Voodoo dolls and the TWW....again

This two week wait seems a little different...no false hopes. I'm thinking this ain't it. Why? Because it's the safest thing to think...a safer thought that doesn't hurt as much....negative and I know that's not good but neither is crying for a month afterwards soo... Listened to two relaxation tapes this morning as I feel a pit in my stomach and scheduled a session with the acupuncturist for tomorrow though mine is away so will have to see the guy Marc. Did I tell you about Marc...I saw him once before ..it was awkward as he's about my age and we were talking about my period and really dude you're not a doctor so...I told him so...just said this conversation is uncomfortable...awesome and tactful but it's how I am..ugh. He's Kay's regular acupuncturist at another place where he works. Anyhow I have a session with him tomorrow and I hope I can relax. I have cramps which I read back to my last TWW posts and this is the norm. Weird how you forget from each time to each time though you never forget the unbearable feeling of waiting. I'd forgotten that last time I'd only had 3 embryo put back in and I knew even when he did it that my chances weren't good so there is a slight edge this time..does that sound too positive..ha ha...that's as excited as I'll get. I would think my chances were very good this time but I'm scared to think this...just scared at where I am at this point in the process really...no more insurance money, dwindling hope, increase in anxiety, and 41. Not sure if I mentioned that my friend Lexi brought me over a fertility doll that her mom had made...it's very adorable...she said she put "corn rows" in her hair...and her body is stuffed with rice. I showed Kay a photo..she noted the blue eyes and I told her the corn rows and rice were from my side of the family...yup, I got jokes! Lexi explained that you have to name the doll so I gave it a combo of my girl and boy name picks for my babies. Have had them picked out for years now.

Weirdly cute right?  Anyhow, I had always thought I'd have a twin boy and girl...maybe this is just what everyone fantasizes about but I really thought I would...if it happened I'd be over the moon...just one and I'd be over the moon. Yesterday and today I kept praying and praying and I finally said to God, listen, you know what my prayer is so I'm not going to just keep repeating it a million times during the day as I feel like this is just me begging. I asked for it to be His will and I'll pray at night as usual and my brief morning salutations. I'm not going to lose my mind over it as if it doesn't happen my fear is I'll lose my faith and I need my faith...it's what helps keep me "sane" or whatever this mental state is called. It has always been my light in the uncertain dark. Something more powerful than me that I guess I have to hold onto and grasp because without it life is just to lonely and scary so I don't want to lose it.