2 a.m. and all's well

Feeling restless and not ready to go to sleep. I have had this crush on this guy for a really long time and haven't done shit about it mostly because of issues with this body. I have gained 60lbs in the last few years thanks to cancer and giving up the smokes (yeah, you give up smokes when the big C scares the crap out of you). So I went from feeling insecure about my overweight body to feeling complete disgust for my now ridiculous size body. I am currently failing miserably at weight watchers and am also trying OA. One of the chicks at OA just gave me this diet to follow which asks that you abstain from all sugar (including all artificial sweeteners..Yikes!), wheat, caffeine, dried fruits, and deli meats. I want to do it though I'm scared I won't be able to stick to it. This is how it goes.... Breakfast: plain oatmeal (or some other grain), one fruit serving, and one protien. Lunch: one grain, one  oil, one protien, two vegetable. Dinner: same as lunch. Nothing in between meals and that's it. Grains are oatmeal, brown rice, bulgar, and that sort of thing..no pasta which is fine. I tried plain oatmeal today to see if I could even give this a shot and it was palatable though I had to put a pinch of ground cinnamon..shit was somewhat nasty...but I've had worse. Gonna aim for Sunday as I have to buy protien. I'm not a vegetarian but eat very little meat...it grosses me out a little, plus cooking really isn't my strongest suit and really...why the frig should I cook for one person?? You end up throwing half the crap out. I usually do sandwich or some such thing. Anyhow, I digress, so thoughts of my crush popped into my head (were pushed into my head but that's TMI for this site) and made me a little sad. This baby thing signals the end of something for me and though I've made my peace with it, it's still once in a while pops into my head..... that I won't have the all american family that everyone expects to have. Why at the age of 40 am I still thinking about the all American family dream? If you have to ask you've never been 40 and single....that's the way the shit is...you don't have it, you may have wanted it, and though you realize you aint getting it...you still think hmmmm..would have been nice and that dream is over. Yes, I can still find someone but the dream of school, job, marriage, house, and family (and in that order) has to go away and I have to wake up to reality. Oh well...I can roll with it...but it is painful. I see the girls at work though that didn't have children and I don't want that for me... I can deal with no husband or man in my life but no children? That would be a devestating blow for me...something I don't even want to imagine. I have prepared myself though with the idea that if that were to happen, I would throw all my energy into rebuilding a new career for myself..either med school or vet school..one of the two. I'm older but I can still find the energy to give it a go...I can't not have children and stay at the dump where I work...I can have a child and stay but I can't have nothing in all areas of my life...We'll see I suppose.