Hormones?

I've been feeling shitty the last two days. Not sick shitty just emotionally shitty. Work has been hard and I've been keeping my shit clean, staying away, not talking to anyone, I really have, but they come to me and sometimes it's just part of the job. There's a portion of my job that I'm not that great at. I was never involved in this type of work before in my life and was never trained how to do it so it was basically baptism by fire..jump in and do it...except I don't really do it, my job is to answer questions for people who do it, so I'm on the fringes of the job all the time and so that's all I know..the fringes of the job. It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't take advantage of the fact that I don't know it...today though, I didn't let them bully me into letting them not do shit, making excuses using rules I know nothing about, I called someone who knows their shit who works at the very top, though doesn't work for my agency, and sure as shit, I was right, they were trying to get away with not doing it out of laziness and the shit with that is that it's my ass. I am going to make a supreme effort to try and catch up with all my work (I've been behind for about a year due to mass quantities of work and also, I'll admit dragging my ass due to resenting the fact that they give me more...I mentioned there's no love loss right?), anyhow today I said, Gem, you're going to have to work double time, give more work to other people, and you're going to get down in the trenches and learn this job from the bottom up. I don't know how I'll pull this off as when I tell you I get shit loads of work, it's shit loads. A colleague asked me how I choose what to work on first and asked if I made a list. No list, it's whatever is worrying my stomach the most. The pressure is at times incredible and too often I find myself panicked and overwhelmed. Ms. Mattie asked me the other day if I had a special manual to answer everyone's questions. I asked her why she asked and she said she assumed they'd given me some special manual as everyone bugs me all day long...no, there's no friggin manual...been looking for a special manual. I used to try to explain to the boss how I needed help, that I couldn't keep up with it and she'd shrug her shoulders...so I stopped giving a shit so much about it too....fuck it..it's ultimately her head and one time when expressed feeling worried that something wasn't finished and asked if I could rush, I shrugged my shoulders...ballsy but hey, wtf? now you're panicked?...That's reason number a million she hates me but mostly cause I call her out on her shit and I'll do it in front of others...it's gotten that ugly.There's been more shit that has happened this week that I'm just too tired to get into...just the drama of work which I will at some times express here and sometimes not.
Anyhow I got lucky today and had a Dr.'s appt after work so left an hour earlier than usual. Again my Dr. made me feel great. She is so psyched that I'm trying to get pregnant. I can't help but be surprised. But she's sees all my blood work and though all of my levels are low in terms of vitamins she told me to just add some D to the pre-natals, and continue with the B-12 injections and I should be good to go so... :) She said to me, you know, before you have a baby your job is important, your friends are important, men are important, but all of that goes away when you have a baby..the only thing that is important is your baby. That seemed so wonderful to me. I'm going to say something that perhaps sounds stupid but ...when I first got Tess, I was scared I wouldn't love her enough. But now she is so precious to me, I love her dearly even though I know she's just a dog, I never thought I could love a dog like this..now I know, this aint no baby but I'm responsible for her and I love her more than I thought so when a baby does come along, I can't imagine what that'll feel like to love like that. The way the Dr. looked when she said it, made it sound so precious, and tender, and just beautiful.
That was the end of my day and it ended in a good way. The rest of the day I stayed in except for a late day walk with Tess who didn't want to be outside for whatever reason.