Friday, July 29, 2011
Family
So, I have been keeping the fact that I am trying to get pregnant from my family because, as I've said before, my family could turn lemonade back into lemons. The person I'm closest to, and the one who's reaction I feared the most was my oldest sister Jacqueline. Yesterday morning as I'm driving to work, I think to myself that I need to tell my family. It's a gut feeling that if I don't it is going to cause an irreparable wedge between us, and believe me it's not like there isn't already enough there to really make get togethers more than uncomfortable. I spoke to my therapist last night about it and she agreed stating though the reasons I didn't tell were legit, she felt secrets keep you sick and I agree with that as any good 12 stepper would. She said, don't have an expectation or want an expectation..that's theirs..the news is yours. Long and short, tonight I told my older sister. I was met with silence, then disbelief, then more silence and finally with "well if that's what you want, good luck". In the middle of typing this I received a call from my other sibling..they're tight as hell...who had just gotten off the phone with Jacqueline...she was more supportive..which I expected and told me Jacqueline didn't seem angry just a little green..well, wtf else is new. I was a little upset, felt like crying a little at the expected but disappointing reaction but managed to buck myself up and realize that, as my friend Diana always reminds me, not everyone is healthy, even when you want them to be.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Hope
Right now I'm feeling shitty again...just that restless crazy feeling that makes me want to eat, smoke and just search for whatever will make me feel at ease, calm me down...
Was a rough day. A good day but rough in certain respects. Had my last IUI of the month this morning waking up at the crack of ass and just feeling crazy restless, tired, but Tess won't let me sleep, and my brain doesn't make it easy either. Today, Diana's husband was sentenced...8 months...she called me hysterical but explained she wasn't upset and could care less if he rotted in jail. She was angry as she found that he hadn't paid her car insurance for several months and had lied to her about it, and that he had also stolen from other people. She explained she felt she'd been married to a complete stranger, a sociopath of sort. There definitely is something wrong with that guy. I had a meeting at the end of the day where I didn't know any of the answers and was using every ounce of strength to stay awake. All in all, it was a good day mood wise and I felt good about the insemination...I feel hopeful but anxious...on overload if you will. My body is tired, I have a headache, I have bloating, my hands are illing me, and overall feel crotchedy. But inside I feel hopeful.
Was a rough day. A good day but rough in certain respects. Had my last IUI of the month this morning waking up at the crack of ass and just feeling crazy restless, tired, but Tess won't let me sleep, and my brain doesn't make it easy either. Today, Diana's husband was sentenced...8 months...she called me hysterical but explained she wasn't upset and could care less if he rotted in jail. She was angry as she found that he hadn't paid her car insurance for several months and had lied to her about it, and that he had also stolen from other people. She explained she felt she'd been married to a complete stranger, a sociopath of sort. There definitely is something wrong with that guy. I had a meeting at the end of the day where I didn't know any of the answers and was using every ounce of strength to stay awake. All in all, it was a good day mood wise and I felt good about the insemination...I feel hopeful but anxious...on overload if you will. My body is tired, I have a headache, I have bloating, my hands are illing me, and overall feel crotchedy. But inside I feel hopeful.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Side Effects?
I don't write as much as I'd like because of my horrible carpel tunnel syndrome that as soon as I have my baby, I have to address. I've been putting it off for years..ever since I used to seriously do art, I've had trouble. Did I mention anything here about art? ...I don't think so. I have a degree in fine arts..sculpture specifically. I have never used the degree except for a very brief stint teaching children but, I used to lose myself in art for hours, and from years of using a hammer and chisel..and add in other factors (weight), I developed terrible carpel tunnel. Have difficulty using my hands for more than a few minutes at a time though typing is easier than actual writing.. but I digress...
Last night I went to bed and couldn't sleep. Mind you, I've taken myself off all caffeine now but, I'm prone to sleeplessness. Well last night, I was conked, so expected to hit the bed like a ton of bricks and be out. I had to use the ladies room before bed and I heard this crackling noise, almost like electricity, and I called to Tess to come, as I wasn't sure at that point where she was, and became nervous thinking the worst. I call her and here she comes but, what looks like a gigantic bee, is coming with her, I mean the thing was huge..flying full tilt. I grab a towel and swat it, getting it onto the ground but the towel was one of my fluffies so wasn't sure if it was dead..kept pressing on it..I look and it looks like, and is about the size of, half a walnut shell..Long story..flushed it down the toilet but later was feeling woozy, and it almost felt like I'd hallucinated the whole thing. I've never hallucinated except as a child when given Nyquil on two occasions (have never touched that shit since). So I'm laying in bed trying to sleep realizing my brain is in overdrive and I'm getting these vivid images flashing through my head..scary stuff freaking me out, playing like someone is flipping down playing cards. I think 'okay, here comes crazy'... I managed to do some breathing excercises, though I was really beat, and mercifully passed out and awoke to hear myself say, "What?" out loud..I had distincly heard my mother's voice call to me..so weird. Okay so that may have been the Ovidrel that I injected myself with or the fact that getting up to go to the RE then work, not to mentioned the emotional rollercoaster I've been going through, is taking a toll on me. I'm going to try and go to sleep early tonight as I have to go to the RE in the morning. I hate all the side effects from these meds. I've never been one for drugs and such and only take my one pill that keeps me alive daily and that's only because I'd literally be dead otherwise but even through all the surgeries and crap from cancer I never filled a one of those pain pill prescriptions. I just don't like to put crap in me and figured with the cigarettes I used to smoke, and the food I shouldn't be having, not to mention the cancer crap that was pumped into me, my body has really had enough..I don't need pills..or another addiction for that matter. I just want to have my baby and stop putting all this crap in me.
I'm fearful it won't happen and I'll have to go through this shit for months and months. My fear is twofold as not only do I fear that it will bankrupt me financially, I also recognize that it can bankrupt me emotionally, and I have to preserve that for when my child comes...try to maintain my emotional wellbeing as fully intact as possible. The fact that this is a concern is still somewhat shocking to me, and two years ago, I would have plowed through it no prob. I have to adjust to this new idea of the more emotional and vulnerable me and that, I suppose, has been a life lesson for me.. that sometimes I am weak. A word that I would never, and I mean never, would have connected with myself in the past.
Last night I went to bed and couldn't sleep. Mind you, I've taken myself off all caffeine now but, I'm prone to sleeplessness. Well last night, I was conked, so expected to hit the bed like a ton of bricks and be out. I had to use the ladies room before bed and I heard this crackling noise, almost like electricity, and I called to Tess to come, as I wasn't sure at that point where she was, and became nervous thinking the worst. I call her and here she comes but, what looks like a gigantic bee, is coming with her, I mean the thing was huge..flying full tilt. I grab a towel and swat it, getting it onto the ground but the towel was one of my fluffies so wasn't sure if it was dead..kept pressing on it..I look and it looks like, and is about the size of, half a walnut shell..Long story..flushed it down the toilet but later was feeling woozy, and it almost felt like I'd hallucinated the whole thing. I've never hallucinated except as a child when given Nyquil on two occasions (have never touched that shit since). So I'm laying in bed trying to sleep realizing my brain is in overdrive and I'm getting these vivid images flashing through my head..scary stuff freaking me out, playing like someone is flipping down playing cards. I think 'okay, here comes crazy'... I managed to do some breathing excercises, though I was really beat, and mercifully passed out and awoke to hear myself say, "What?" out loud..I had distincly heard my mother's voice call to me..so weird. Okay so that may have been the Ovidrel that I injected myself with or the fact that getting up to go to the RE then work, not to mentioned the emotional rollercoaster I've been going through, is taking a toll on me. I'm going to try and go to sleep early tonight as I have to go to the RE in the morning. I hate all the side effects from these meds. I've never been one for drugs and such and only take my one pill that keeps me alive daily and that's only because I'd literally be dead otherwise but even through all the surgeries and crap from cancer I never filled a one of those pain pill prescriptions. I just don't like to put crap in me and figured with the cigarettes I used to smoke, and the food I shouldn't be having, not to mention the cancer crap that was pumped into me, my body has really had enough..I don't need pills..or another addiction for that matter. I just want to have my baby and stop putting all this crap in me.
I'm fearful it won't happen and I'll have to go through this shit for months and months. My fear is twofold as not only do I fear that it will bankrupt me financially, I also recognize that it can bankrupt me emotionally, and I have to preserve that for when my child comes...try to maintain my emotional wellbeing as fully intact as possible. The fact that this is a concern is still somewhat shocking to me, and two years ago, I would have plowed through it no prob. I have to adjust to this new idea of the more emotional and vulnerable me and that, I suppose, has been a life lesson for me.. that sometimes I am weak. A word that I would never, and I mean never, would have connected with myself in the past.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Timing is everything
I went in for my first IUI yesterday. A rather unpleasant experience as it seemed like it was take your partner to the RE's office day. There was one lesbian couple and about 20 hetero couples and I don't know how it is in other RE offices but there are times where patients are streaming out into the hall and this was definitely one of those days. So I'm sitting there by myself next to the only other person there alone and of course I hear reception talking on the phone and they say "Mandinga? Mandinga? your husband is on the phone". Yes, I'm sitting next to Mandinga (not her real name but can't remember it). I'm sitting there with my purse, my huge work bag overflowing with my shit that helps me survive the day and the Ovidrel injection I had picked up from CVS the day before trying with all my might not to cry and texting my friend Kay who thankfully told me I could text away while she got ready to go to work. So I finally go in, she tells me she can't find my little ol' follicle but will do IUI anyway as it could be hiding and inserts the catheter with the quarter inch of stuff I paid close to $600 dollars for and bada-bing bada-boom, I'm inseminated and 45 minutes late to work. I got a phone call later in the day telling me that my bloodwork showed I wasn't ovulating and take the Ovidrel Saturday between 7 and 9... I was admittedly a little freaked at the thought of giving myself an injection, texted my friend who is studying to be a nurse to call me, finally called Ollie who I remembered injected himself regularly when he was going through the big C who told me just do it really fast and it'll be fine. So, I got online, 'you tubed' giving yourself ovidrel and rushed into the kitchen to do it..then rushed to the bathroom to do it as it just didn't seem like a kitchen thing to do. I pinched an inch of flesh under my belly button like the chick on the video, jabbed it in quick like Ollie said and voila..not bad at all..actually super easy nothingness to it. Go in Monday for my last insemination of the month. Feels good..taking care of business. Wishing, hoping, and praying for a little someone...not that Tess isn't a little someone but I have a lot more love to give so...
Thursday, July 21, 2011
IUI #1
Tomorrow morning I go in for my first IUI. I'm a little nervous and a little confused. I picked up my injection of Ovidrel which they told me to bring with me however, everything I have read states you need to take it 12-36 hours before you are inseminated. I'm trying to let go of that obsessive thought and move on. Also, it says if you have a thyroid condition you should consult Dr/Phx. Ugh!! So I've said my prayers and just have to let go and let God and hope for the best.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
The follicle
I went for the ultrasound yesterday with the male RE and isn't God good, he made the male RE gay...felt much better after realizing this... Anyhow, he checked my fallopian ovaries and I have a maturing follicle that measure 17 cm? mm? whatever, it measured 17 and he said that's exactly what they were hoping for so IUI on Friday. I was surprised there was only 1 though due to the high mgs of Clomid I received and reading the bulletin boards on the cryo bank web site...no matter, the fact is there is an absolute chance for me. I'm trying to not get my hopes up as I know my chances are slim but alas, I can't help but hope that one time will do it. Could I be that lucky/blessed? I could be I think. Time will tell
Monday, July 18, 2011
Shi#%!
Tomorrow I go for my sonogram which leads up to Friday's insemination..my first IUI. I didn't think I'd be this nervous but alas here I am pretty shitting. I had a fit of crying this past weekend that wouldn't stop. I blogged about it but there was too much to say and I never did finish that thought..maybe sometime this week I'll bang it out. I think it was the clomid that made me so hysterical. When I tell you I couldn't stop, I couldn't stop. It was right before I had to go out with my siblings including "D" so I had to call Kay to help me pull myself together. I sobbed and sobbed and in retrospect, though I blamed it all on the meds and hormones, I think it's the last remnants of mourning for the kind of life I dreamt of maybe just a little. I never was a big one for fairy tales but in my secret life, the one where I didn't have to be so tough and so brave, I did dream of one day finding my knight; someone who could protect me from the too many demons coursing through my brain and walking nearby. Still, when I'm looking at men, I look for the big ones. The ones that can really protect me, not only physically, but with enough balls to do the job. Not the ruffins (as my Godmom calls them) but just the one's that know not to take any shit and that a woman is not their mom, their buddy, or their physical equal. I don't share with everyone that this is how I feel. I have a thing about showing vulnerability; it scares me to let anyone know what my achilles heel may be..but I'll tell you that most of the time I walk around petrified that someone will do something to hurt me physically..men really...hence the life of a spinster here. Oh well. I do hope that somewhere down the line..when the baby or babies are a little older maybe, I can find someone. I real man, not this sorry excuse you see nowadays. I know I sound jaded..I am...I talk about it in therapy and I'm more open to it than I used to be. Trust issues that I don't want to pass down to whatever child ends up in my life. Speaking of...
Did I ever tell you I almost adopted two children? It was a little over a year ago and it was something that literally fell in my lap. The children were 3 and 4 years old. I was able to pull the history on them though and realized that they were from a seriously disturbed mother and changed my mind. I think sometimes maybe it was a mistake, maybe that was my chance. But in all fairness to myself and them I was not in a position mentally to take them. I had just had my "incident" at work, had left my therapist, and was hanging on for dear life. You want to hear weird? Last week the two children came in close proximity to me. I had never met them before but had seen pics and let me tell you....adorable. Not conventionally adorable but adorable. The person who has them seems to be taking good care of them so...but still at times I think what could have been. Maybe in another life I would have been able to cope but after "D" I don't think I could knowingly enter into caring for someone else that was severely disabled. If it was fate and a child of my own, I guess I'd have to find the strength from within, but to knowingly bring one into my life..no. This may sound selfish but any parent of a disabled child would probably tell you the same thing...though they wouldn't change a thing, they wouldn't volunteer to take one on. It's a heartbreaking experience...it still is and things are good with "D"...couldn't love them more..the best part of my life..the person I love the most..but it has caused me pain like I've never known or never thought to know. One of the girls at work who has a child with Autism and I always talk about this...how much you love them but how painful, not hard, as hard is a different topic altogehter, but painful, the situation is. Anyhow, another one of my coworkers is seeking to adopt through the state. It's mostly children who have either mentally incompetent mothers or else drug addicted mothers that the state has available. She was recently hoping to get one she knew had been taken away from it's crack addicted mother. Me, I dont' think I could do this.
So I go in tomorrow for my pelvic sono with an RE (male) that I've never gone to before and I'm shitting. I just hope I'm on the right path..have been asking God to lead me to the right path because I'm frightened and this experience has made me feel more alone or has magnified how single I really am. It has also surpsingly enough made me feel like so much more of a woman..I can't explain it. Just made me feel whole and happy with myself in a way I never have before. Overweight body and all I feel like I really am a whole person, missing nothing..It's a feeling I've never had before; that I am enough. It's good.
Did I ever tell you I almost adopted two children? It was a little over a year ago and it was something that literally fell in my lap. The children were 3 and 4 years old. I was able to pull the history on them though and realized that they were from a seriously disturbed mother and changed my mind. I think sometimes maybe it was a mistake, maybe that was my chance. But in all fairness to myself and them I was not in a position mentally to take them. I had just had my "incident" at work, had left my therapist, and was hanging on for dear life. You want to hear weird? Last week the two children came in close proximity to me. I had never met them before but had seen pics and let me tell you....adorable. Not conventionally adorable but adorable. The person who has them seems to be taking good care of them so...but still at times I think what could have been. Maybe in another life I would have been able to cope but after "D" I don't think I could knowingly enter into caring for someone else that was severely disabled. If it was fate and a child of my own, I guess I'd have to find the strength from within, but to knowingly bring one into my life..no. This may sound selfish but any parent of a disabled child would probably tell you the same thing...though they wouldn't change a thing, they wouldn't volunteer to take one on. It's a heartbreaking experience...it still is and things are good with "D"...couldn't love them more..the best part of my life..the person I love the most..but it has caused me pain like I've never known or never thought to know. One of the girls at work who has a child with Autism and I always talk about this...how much you love them but how painful, not hard, as hard is a different topic altogehter, but painful, the situation is. Anyhow, another one of my coworkers is seeking to adopt through the state. It's mostly children who have either mentally incompetent mothers or else drug addicted mothers that the state has available. She was recently hoping to get one she knew had been taken away from it's crack addicted mother. Me, I dont' think I could do this.
So I go in tomorrow for my pelvic sono with an RE (male) that I've never gone to before and I'm shitting. I just hope I'm on the right path..have been asking God to lead me to the right path because I'm frightened and this experience has made me feel more alone or has magnified how single I really am. It has also surpsingly enough made me feel like so much more of a woman..I can't explain it. Just made me feel whole and happy with myself in a way I never have before. Overweight body and all I feel like I really am a whole person, missing nothing..It's a feeling I've never had before; that I am enough. It's good.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Nights
I was thinking about this guy that I used to work with that I used to more than have a crush on. I think back to that time as it's been quite a while as to how it all ended. Someone spread a rumor that I was involved with another coworker and this guy called me and confronted me and that was the end of that. I was crazy about him and it killed me..it killed me more that he ended up marrying one of my other coworkers. But that was a long time ago..I was someone else then...still fucked up but life hadn't killed me like now. I immaturely have code names for them;Asshole and P#$@face..did I say immaturely? Anyhow, I was looking at some baby clothes wondering if I'll ever need it and I ran a search for this guy's girl at a popular baby item registry just to see if perhaps they were expecting. I do this every few months..check up, see what I'm missing. I see him every once in a blue moon...we don't speak any more, and last time I saw him he had aged horribly, had gained an enormous amount of weight, had gone gray, and appeared to have trouble walking. It was so surreal to see him that way. Anyhow, tonight I thought of him as I'm looking through all these things wondering what it might have been like with him, or with anyone for that matter, to plan for a child. I've been having these days where I'm eccstatically happy during the day and crash with loneliness at night and fear that perhaps I can't do this alone. I know I can, but I get this niggling doubt creeping into my brain each night haunting me. I told you the other night I woke up screaming? Haven't woken up screaming in a while..The clomid also seems to be making me more sensitive I feel. It could be the med or the fact that this is alot. I'm happy and over the moon I'm doing it but it cements the fact that I am doing this alone. I have supports in friends, don't get me wrong, but ultimately it'll be me.
I felt weird today with my friend Diana. I think I mentioned that I would elaborate about her some time. Diana has been my very great friend for many years now and we've actually known each other since we were both 19 however became tight about 12-13 years ago when we worked together tied at the hip. She's going through something right now that's so bad, there aint nothing good about it. Close to two years ago, her husband lost his job due to an immature idiotic prank he pulled on a coworker. It was so bad (and racist/discriminatory) that it effected his license to do what he does and nobody would hire him. Diana has been married to him for about 15 years and she has always been his biggest cheerleader, and always expressed immense love and attraction for him. A few months back, after being forced to return to the workforce to help support her family she received a phone call from the hubby telling her to come quick as he was being arrested. Diana almost died from the shock to learn her husband had committed a very bad crime while working at his previous job. She was devestated...the news made the paper...her coworkers were aware...and more upsetting her family wanted nothing to do with him and was angry at her for not leaving immediately. About a month after this happened Diane's brother discovered he had terminal cancer. Needless to say Diana has been going through more than hard times. They have two very young children..one a toddler. Her husband will be going to prison this month. The weird part of today's conversation with her had to do with her moving in with me. I had earlier this year, tried to list my condo for sale and was looking to buy a bigger place so I could get Tess a little friend. Anyhow, I told Diana that if it worked out she could move in with me and the kids..and I meant it however, my plans changed. The baby thing happened and I realized not only was moving going to be near to impossible in this market, selling while trying to reproduce was just too much. Anyhow, Diana mentioned feeling I had given up on the "plan" of having a place for both of us. It was weird but I know she is wild with worry and fear so I'm just trying to be supportive and not think too much into this. I just explained that I wouldn't be able to sell and though her moving in with her mom was going to be less than ideal for her, time would settle some of the shit she was going through. I mean really, what do you say in this type of situation? It's so surreal as I always thought of her husband as being on the up and up...bad with their finances but on the up and up. Who really knows anybody? Diana was so freaked by the whole incident. I think it must have been a great shock to realize you're living with someone you really don't know..capable of shit you'd never think someone you'd be with would be capable of. The piece of shit has taken to making not so veiled threats against her and the kids. I think she should get out fast but who am I? I expressed this to her, offered to help her with a restraining order, and that's pretty much all I can do.. When she's working late and scared, I have called to check up on him and make sure the kids aren't hurt or he hasn't flown off the deep end. I think really, he's just scared too..who the fuck knows. It's such a fucked up situation really.
It seems everyone right now is going through something and I have to say, other than the baby project, my life (knock on wood) has been relatively quiet right now..trying to keep on the down low at work and trying to make myself as invisible as possible...just need to be left alone there in order to survive. My nights though have been haunting me..a time for reflecting on the scary things that go bump in my head keeping me awake, giving me anxiety. It's hard to share this with anybody or find relief from these feelings when everybody seems to be in such a place of distress and my therapist is out for a month. I miss having that relief but next week she's back so... Just have to make it through these nights for now.
I felt weird today with my friend Diana. I think I mentioned that I would elaborate about her some time. Diana has been my very great friend for many years now and we've actually known each other since we were both 19 however became tight about 12-13 years ago when we worked together tied at the hip. She's going through something right now that's so bad, there aint nothing good about it. Close to two years ago, her husband lost his job due to an immature idiotic prank he pulled on a coworker. It was so bad (and racist/discriminatory) that it effected his license to do what he does and nobody would hire him. Diana has been married to him for about 15 years and she has always been his biggest cheerleader, and always expressed immense love and attraction for him. A few months back, after being forced to return to the workforce to help support her family she received a phone call from the hubby telling her to come quick as he was being arrested. Diana almost died from the shock to learn her husband had committed a very bad crime while working at his previous job. She was devestated...the news made the paper...her coworkers were aware...and more upsetting her family wanted nothing to do with him and was angry at her for not leaving immediately. About a month after this happened Diane's brother discovered he had terminal cancer. Needless to say Diana has been going through more than hard times. They have two very young children..one a toddler. Her husband will be going to prison this month. The weird part of today's conversation with her had to do with her moving in with me. I had earlier this year, tried to list my condo for sale and was looking to buy a bigger place so I could get Tess a little friend. Anyhow, I told Diana that if it worked out she could move in with me and the kids..and I meant it however, my plans changed. The baby thing happened and I realized not only was moving going to be near to impossible in this market, selling while trying to reproduce was just too much. Anyhow, Diana mentioned feeling I had given up on the "plan" of having a place for both of us. It was weird but I know she is wild with worry and fear so I'm just trying to be supportive and not think too much into this. I just explained that I wouldn't be able to sell and though her moving in with her mom was going to be less than ideal for her, time would settle some of the shit she was going through. I mean really, what do you say in this type of situation? It's so surreal as I always thought of her husband as being on the up and up...bad with their finances but on the up and up. Who really knows anybody? Diana was so freaked by the whole incident. I think it must have been a great shock to realize you're living with someone you really don't know..capable of shit you'd never think someone you'd be with would be capable of. The piece of shit has taken to making not so veiled threats against her and the kids. I think she should get out fast but who am I? I expressed this to her, offered to help her with a restraining order, and that's pretty much all I can do.. When she's working late and scared, I have called to check up on him and make sure the kids aren't hurt or he hasn't flown off the deep end. I think really, he's just scared too..who the fuck knows. It's such a fucked up situation really.
It seems everyone right now is going through something and I have to say, other than the baby project, my life (knock on wood) has been relatively quiet right now..trying to keep on the down low at work and trying to make myself as invisible as possible...just need to be left alone there in order to survive. My nights though have been haunting me..a time for reflecting on the scary things that go bump in my head keeping me awake, giving me anxiety. It's hard to share this with anybody or find relief from these feelings when everybody seems to be in such a place of distress and my therapist is out for a month. I miss having that relief but next week she's back so... Just have to make it through these nights for now.
Clomid
So I've been on Clomid 4 days now...I find myself extremely tearful and somewhat depressed in the evenings. Also deep sleeping?.. I've also been in a lot of carpel tunnel pain with this heat. Anyhow, tomorrow is my last dose until next month and can't wait to get this out of my system. Next week is my first IUI...!!! I would like to say that I'm feeling nothing but excited but truth be told, I'm scared. I'm scared of doing this alone but I'm more scared of not doing it at all...so.
My friend Ollie called today and it looks like he'll definitely be moving over here. I can't help but wonder if it isn't God helping me out..I hope so. I'm just praying I can do this, physically and mentally and financially. Right now I staff away in my saving about $350 a month. I get a substantial pay increase in two months, God willing and will add that to the monthly pot. This way when I have to fork money over for day care I'll already have gotten used to the idea of living with less. I know this isn't 100% of what it'll cost as from what I see it's about $1000 per month but I figure I'll find a way.
Anyhow dying here of sleep deprivation so..
My friend Ollie called today and it looks like he'll definitely be moving over here. I can't help but wonder if it isn't God helping me out..I hope so. I'm just praying I can do this, physically and mentally and financially. Right now I staff away in my saving about $350 a month. I get a substantial pay increase in two months, God willing and will add that to the monthly pot. This way when I have to fork money over for day care I'll already have gotten used to the idea of living with less. I know this isn't 100% of what it'll cost as from what I see it's about $1000 per month but I figure I'll find a way.
Anyhow dying here of sleep deprivation so..
Monday, July 11, 2011
Hope
Just a brief update:
I went to see my RE today as today was day 2 of my little friend, aunt F, et cetera. As usual, the RE was super nice. She showed me films of my uterus and fallopians and boy is that one tube blocked...no chance of anything getting through there..there's not even a tube..the whole thing is surrounded by mass. But she wants to go on and try the clomid and IUI so tonight is my first night of clomid. I'm going to be honest and say I'm scared to take it. I've never been one for pills and even with all the surgeries and crap I've had throughout my life I've never once taken a pain pill given to me by prescription. The only non-life perserving pill I've taken is a half milligram pill of Ativan for anxiety and I was prescribed those about 2 years ago and have more than 3/4 of the bottle still. I'm not a "drugs" kind of person and my drug of choice has always been food. Anyway I took them..she put me on 150 mg which, if I'm comparing notes seems a tad high but I'm glad as I've gotta give it a good shot. I'm scared of the side effects one of which is nightmares. The shit is, at times, I end up with nightmares already. Last night I dreamt I had cancer again, was locked in the oncology ward with all old people, and one of them had bitten me. I woke up screaming at the top of my lungs and had to calm poor Tess down. Any old how, I'm taking this for five days, and on the 19th going in for a sono with another RE as mine will be away on vacay (shit!) and of course it'll be a man (fukc!) but you do what you have to do and on the 22nd I'm scheduled for my first IUI. I am so excited, I can cry thought don't want to get my hopes up.
Ollie came for the visit and though it was brief it was good. He definitely wants to move back to NY and said he'll be my "Manny"...I'm not banking on that and realize I have to be prepared to care for this baby solo (yes I'm already in the mindset that it's definitely happening..praying that pregnancy becomes my reality..squeezing away any doubts that it won't) but it's nice to know he wants to help...it's nice to know I'm not alone. Anyhow, have to hit the hay as I've been up for about 19 hours straight now and this weekend I probably slept a cumulative 12 hours all together from Fri to Sunday..if that so off I go...happy and hopeful to bed and praying for no nightmares or weird side effects.
I went to see my RE today as today was day 2 of my little friend, aunt F, et cetera. As usual, the RE was super nice. She showed me films of my uterus and fallopians and boy is that one tube blocked...no chance of anything getting through there..there's not even a tube..the whole thing is surrounded by mass. But she wants to go on and try the clomid and IUI so tonight is my first night of clomid. I'm going to be honest and say I'm scared to take it. I've never been one for pills and even with all the surgeries and crap I've had throughout my life I've never once taken a pain pill given to me by prescription. The only non-life perserving pill I've taken is a half milligram pill of Ativan for anxiety and I was prescribed those about 2 years ago and have more than 3/4 of the bottle still. I'm not a "drugs" kind of person and my drug of choice has always been food. Anyway I took them..she put me on 150 mg which, if I'm comparing notes seems a tad high but I'm glad as I've gotta give it a good shot. I'm scared of the side effects one of which is nightmares. The shit is, at times, I end up with nightmares already. Last night I dreamt I had cancer again, was locked in the oncology ward with all old people, and one of them had bitten me. I woke up screaming at the top of my lungs and had to calm poor Tess down. Any old how, I'm taking this for five days, and on the 19th going in for a sono with another RE as mine will be away on vacay (shit!) and of course it'll be a man (fukc!) but you do what you have to do and on the 22nd I'm scheduled for my first IUI. I am so excited, I can cry thought don't want to get my hopes up.
Ollie came for the visit and though it was brief it was good. He definitely wants to move back to NY and said he'll be my "Manny"...I'm not banking on that and realize I have to be prepared to care for this baby solo (yes I'm already in the mindset that it's definitely happening..praying that pregnancy becomes my reality..squeezing away any doubts that it won't) but it's nice to know he wants to help...it's nice to know I'm not alone. Anyhow, have to hit the hay as I've been up for about 19 hours straight now and this weekend I probably slept a cumulative 12 hours all together from Fri to Sunday..if that so off I go...happy and hopeful to bed and praying for no nightmares or weird side effects.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Fukcen Funk
I think I am in a serious funk or some such thing. I can't seem to find the energy for anything and I just feel like shit. I have been eating out of control and just feeling detached. It could be due to my period coming but nonetheless, I don't feel like myself. My therapist has also been away for a month and that's usually where I go to just let my feelings all hang out or whatever it is that's renting space in my head. I think I mentioned she's retiring and she referred me to two people though the first chick couldn't accomodate my schedule and the second wasn't on my insurance and though usually I'd pay the deductible and just move on with it, I'm not in a financial position to do that right now or any time in the near future soo...
I saw the Canadians yesterday. I didn't want to go but since I have a commitment and am in charge of all the paraphenalia, off I went. It was a good meeting. I am starting to feel like I'm a part of the group even though there really is only 4 or 5 of us but we're regulars so... I wish I could just abstain and do what I have to do food wise but that seems to be slow going for me. Ms. Mattie tells me keep going to meeting and the mind will follow..I hope so.
I was researching IUI with a blocked fallopian and it just doesn't look like my odds are that great. As of now I have spent about $1,300 on two vials of "stuff" and put it on my AMEX card which is fine but if the odds aren't in my favor, it looks like I can be doing that another 5, 6, or more times... I guess I'll speak to my RE when I get my period. That's the other thing, my regular RE may not be available and I'll have to see one of the guys there. I have a thing about male Dr.'s....I don't use male Dr.'s. The only two I have are my dentist and a specialist and that's only because he did the cancer thing with me and I don't get naked in front of him. Any time I've had surgery, I've worn men's boxer briefs to ensure there was no funny business...I know sounds paranoid but I err on the side of caution as many Dr.'s are perverts just like everyone else...did I tell you I don't trust men???
My friend Ollie is coming down from Tx to visit on Friday. Initially he was going to stay with me. He is the one male I trust (to a point) plus he's gay, plus I've known him since high school. His partner is coming too which wasn't in the original plans and I don't think the partner likes me much so needless to say Ollie might spend one night with me and that's it. Wish I'd have more notice as I had wanted to fix my house a little...get new curtains and such..we'll see what I can whip up. Ollie has seen me through much of the worst and vice versa...believe it or not he also had cancer and so did his partner...weird as we're all relatively young. Anyhow, when I had a big problem with "D" and had just been emotionally damaged I had gone to see him for about 2 weeks. He helped me pull myself together and put things in perspective and just let me breathe for a minute. I would get up early and make coffee and bring a book outside and sit by the edge of his pool and just read and meditate. I remember one time, I had decided to lie on a float in his pool (I can't swim) and he was working in his bedroom office and he opened up the french doors in his bedroom that led out to the pool (yes, one of two gorgous, built to suit homes..so jealous) and I asked him what he was doing and he said making sure you're okay while I work. Thought that was sweet...Anyhow, he just got me through and it seems like every time we meet it's because one of us needs the other. He stayed with me a little bit ago when the whole shit at work happened and when he was really sick with cancer, I flew out to Tx to take care of him and clean his house and make sure he was okay. I always said, if I could meet a straight guy similar to Ollie, I would marry him in a minute. We just click. We can talk for hours or stay quiet for hours and it's all good. When he heard I was trying to get pregnant he said he was moving here to NY to be with me and they'd sell their house in Tx which I thought was also sweet. His partner even seemed to go with the plan and he has an extremely serious job so I was surprised..I think after the excitement settled he realized he needed to rethink that plan and honestly, I don't want a baby daddy for my child...though I'd love "uncles" for him or her. Ollie said they were still thinking of coming but would wait til the baby was here.
There is a part of me that feels the baby won't come...scares me that I'll put all my hopes into him or her coming and he won't show. My father said to me the other day that he dreamt of two boy babies holding on to his leg. I was shocked as I made no mention of babies to him but my father and mother have always been very intuitive in their own way. I won't say psychic but my mother was a superb "guesser" before the dementia and my father has always been extremely sensitive to his environment. I believe in psychic power or sixth sense so...maybe it's crazy but I do believe people are given gifts of sensitivity though I also realize I may be wrong and in fact people are just persceptive or good "guessers".
Anyway, though I'm scared my baby won't come, I feel the need to try though I question myself at times. I'm hoping this is normal though. I picked out names for either a boy or a girl though I won't mention what they are. The boys is a more common name but the girl's is not...it's a simple one syllable name and my two best friends Kay and Diana said it sounds beautiful and sophisticated. ..it is similar to a name like Ty (if it were a boy), or Faye...just simple. It came to me one night and I have no idea how as I've never heard of anyone with that as a first name but I just knew it was perfect. If "she" comes I'll post it. I came to the realization the other day while talking with Diana until 2 in the morning that this is probably the only child I will ever have (if I can indeed manage to get PG). I kept saying well in a few years once you have this one you can try again but I don't think that's likely. We'll see I suppose. I never wanted to have an only child as I feel children suffer when they're alone but unless I have twins (would LOVEEE it!!!) it seems like an only child it will be. But I'm counting my chicken here. I'm praying for a healthy child if that's God's will so we'll see.
I saw the Canadians yesterday. I didn't want to go but since I have a commitment and am in charge of all the paraphenalia, off I went. It was a good meeting. I am starting to feel like I'm a part of the group even though there really is only 4 or 5 of us but we're regulars so... I wish I could just abstain and do what I have to do food wise but that seems to be slow going for me. Ms. Mattie tells me keep going to meeting and the mind will follow..I hope so.
I was researching IUI with a blocked fallopian and it just doesn't look like my odds are that great. As of now I have spent about $1,300 on two vials of "stuff" and put it on my AMEX card which is fine but if the odds aren't in my favor, it looks like I can be doing that another 5, 6, or more times... I guess I'll speak to my RE when I get my period. That's the other thing, my regular RE may not be available and I'll have to see one of the guys there. I have a thing about male Dr.'s....I don't use male Dr.'s. The only two I have are my dentist and a specialist and that's only because he did the cancer thing with me and I don't get naked in front of him. Any time I've had surgery, I've worn men's boxer briefs to ensure there was no funny business...I know sounds paranoid but I err on the side of caution as many Dr.'s are perverts just like everyone else...did I tell you I don't trust men???
My friend Ollie is coming down from Tx to visit on Friday. Initially he was going to stay with me. He is the one male I trust (to a point) plus he's gay, plus I've known him since high school. His partner is coming too which wasn't in the original plans and I don't think the partner likes me much so needless to say Ollie might spend one night with me and that's it. Wish I'd have more notice as I had wanted to fix my house a little...get new curtains and such..we'll see what I can whip up. Ollie has seen me through much of the worst and vice versa...believe it or not he also had cancer and so did his partner...weird as we're all relatively young. Anyhow, when I had a big problem with "D" and had just been emotionally damaged I had gone to see him for about 2 weeks. He helped me pull myself together and put things in perspective and just let me breathe for a minute. I would get up early and make coffee and bring a book outside and sit by the edge of his pool and just read and meditate. I remember one time, I had decided to lie on a float in his pool (I can't swim) and he was working in his bedroom office and he opened up the french doors in his bedroom that led out to the pool (yes, one of two gorgous, built to suit homes..so jealous) and I asked him what he was doing and he said making sure you're okay while I work. Thought that was sweet...Anyhow, he just got me through and it seems like every time we meet it's because one of us needs the other. He stayed with me a little bit ago when the whole shit at work happened and when he was really sick with cancer, I flew out to Tx to take care of him and clean his house and make sure he was okay. I always said, if I could meet a straight guy similar to Ollie, I would marry him in a minute. We just click. We can talk for hours or stay quiet for hours and it's all good. When he heard I was trying to get pregnant he said he was moving here to NY to be with me and they'd sell their house in Tx which I thought was also sweet. His partner even seemed to go with the plan and he has an extremely serious job so I was surprised..I think after the excitement settled he realized he needed to rethink that plan and honestly, I don't want a baby daddy for my child...though I'd love "uncles" for him or her. Ollie said they were still thinking of coming but would wait til the baby was here.
There is a part of me that feels the baby won't come...scares me that I'll put all my hopes into him or her coming and he won't show. My father said to me the other day that he dreamt of two boy babies holding on to his leg. I was shocked as I made no mention of babies to him but my father and mother have always been very intuitive in their own way. I won't say psychic but my mother was a superb "guesser" before the dementia and my father has always been extremely sensitive to his environment. I believe in psychic power or sixth sense so...maybe it's crazy but I do believe people are given gifts of sensitivity though I also realize I may be wrong and in fact people are just persceptive or good "guessers".
Anyway, though I'm scared my baby won't come, I feel the need to try though I question myself at times. I'm hoping this is normal though. I picked out names for either a boy or a girl though I won't mention what they are. The boys is a more common name but the girl's is not...it's a simple one syllable name and my two best friends Kay and Diana said it sounds beautiful and sophisticated. ..it is similar to a name like Ty (if it were a boy), or Faye...just simple. It came to me one night and I have no idea how as I've never heard of anyone with that as a first name but I just knew it was perfect. If "she" comes I'll post it. I came to the realization the other day while talking with Diana until 2 in the morning that this is probably the only child I will ever have (if I can indeed manage to get PG). I kept saying well in a few years once you have this one you can try again but I don't think that's likely. We'll see I suppose. I never wanted to have an only child as I feel children suffer when they're alone but unless I have twins (would LOVEEE it!!!) it seems like an only child it will be. But I'm counting my chicken here. I'm praying for a healthy child if that's God's will so we'll see.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Abstinence
Haven't written as I didn't want to face myself I suppose. I haven't been able to stay "abstinent" for the past 4 days thought I start each day with the best or at least good, intentions. I get to my mom's and it's been all balls to the wall. I'm hoping that I can jump back on tomorrow but don't feel optimistic. I've been under this demons spell for so long. Don't know what to do about it any more.
Just a little blurb here as my Doctor called me on Friday to tell me she looked at my scans, and it's not that my fallopian is closed, so much as that a fibroid outside of my uterus is pressing against it and blocking it. She wants to proceed as planned feeling that my uterus is clean and able to carry a child and she will put me on clomid to up my egg production so that my chances are increased. I'm hoping that it works and doesn't take forever...not so much worried about the trying but somewhat concerned about the financial. I have savings but don't want to spend it all on sperm as that's my nest egg for my maternity leave. I'm hoping that if and when a baby comes I can take at least 6 months off (unpaid) leave. I've accumulated about 3 months of time off not including the 1 1/2 week of reserve time I have put aside that I don't want to tap. We'll see how it goes. In a year (to nine months) I should have another month and a half of time to take off hopefully but want to have at least 3 months salary put away just in case I don't have the time I can at least coast a while.
Anyhow that's my story. Not too great. Hate the food thing..it's the one thing in my life I feel I'm unable to really get a grip of.
Just a little blurb here as my Doctor called me on Friday to tell me she looked at my scans, and it's not that my fallopian is closed, so much as that a fibroid outside of my uterus is pressing against it and blocking it. She wants to proceed as planned feeling that my uterus is clean and able to carry a child and she will put me on clomid to up my egg production so that my chances are increased. I'm hoping that it works and doesn't take forever...not so much worried about the trying but somewhat concerned about the financial. I have savings but don't want to spend it all on sperm as that's my nest egg for my maternity leave. I'm hoping that if and when a baby comes I can take at least 6 months off (unpaid) leave. I've accumulated about 3 months of time off not including the 1 1/2 week of reserve time I have put aside that I don't want to tap. We'll see how it goes. In a year (to nine months) I should have another month and a half of time to take off hopefully but want to have at least 3 months salary put away just in case I don't have the time I can at least coast a while.
Anyhow that's my story. Not too great. Hate the food thing..it's the one thing in my life I feel I'm unable to really get a grip of.
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