My father is in the nursing home now and it's not good. He is just about completely blind though my sibling said that peripherally he has some sight. One of his eyes now roves around aimlessly. He can't see shit. He can't walk. It's not good. I know I said that before but it's what comes out of my mouth when people ask me how he's doing; it's not good. We hired someone to sit with him at the nursing home during the day for 8 hours each day..only to ensure he's being cared for properly. It'll be 12 hours on Sundays Tuesdays and Thursdays as our schedules are tight on those days and we can't fill in the rest of the hours when the chick we hired leaves. He'll have to have around the clock care to go home and we hired someone to do that as well. He'll have to move to a bigger place to have a second bedroom for her as she'll be a live-in. It's heartbreaking really and the stress is beyond. It's to the point that I go between anger, crying, silence, complete fear, and back around again. I feel bad. I called the other day when I was at work to check on him and he said, "Gem, get me out of here. I don't want to be here, I want to be home". I know that feeling. I was in isolation on the oncology ward for a week, and it was supposed to be for 2 but half way in I called my friend Z and had her pick me up against medical advice...they even threatened to call the police as I was radioactive but I was adamant...a hospital will do that to you..drive you crazy. What's saving his ass is all the company he's getting..tons of people coming by. Monday of last week there were over 30 people in the one day...I may have mentioned that before but hell if I can remember shit from day to day..I'm just wiped. I've been running home from work to pick up Tess, drop her off at my mom's and going to the nursing home until the night, then running back to get Tess, going home, and starting it all again the next day. It's this crazy fear and panic in my stomach...I almost left tonight at about 9:30 pm to go see him in a panic. Just irrationally worried...about what I'm not sure...just that he'll be upset really...that he'll find himself helpless with nobody around and the orderlies won't hear him because he can't yell out.
My father and I have had a shit relationship..I believe I mentioned that for over 10 years we didn't speak and I have no guilt over that, really...that's not what drives me at all. I think in truth I'd do it for any friend in the same situation. I know hospitals and I know panic and it's not pretty and so I'm freaked. If it were me I'd not want to be living this way if there wasn't hope to improve. My father is an odd duck though. He is unnaturally calm in all situations. He's not freaked about being blind it seems, it's just more sick of being there and not home. When I explained he has to be able to walk on his own he seemed to accept this. I envy this calm, this roll with the punches mentality. I've never seen the dude panic, never heard him raise his voice, or act anything but in control...so not like me..
In the middle of all this I'm playing with the thought of Colorado; the #1 rated place for fertility that seems to promise miracles. I'm in limbo right now only because I know I couldnt' do any treatment with my nerves the way they are. I'm an emotional mess and experiencing anxiety like crazy. Just waiting til things settle if they do at all. Time will tell.
At this point I'm just trying to accept it all. Just when you think you're in a funk something comes to rock your world and fuck you up beyond what you thought you could endure and suddenly...you're coping, you're moving forward, going through the motions if that's all you can do...just going on. This is life.
Someone wrote this on their facebook page tonight and I found it so apropos; Life's about hanging on when you're heart's had enough..and giving more when you wanna give up. Too true.
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