Healthy to survive by or something like that

I'm not posting regularly anymore and I'm okay with this. The fact of the matter is I've come to the realization that I have been pushing myself too hard in all aspects of my life for too long and frankly I have to give myself a fricking break already.

I started a new weight loss whatever. One of the ladies form overeaters anonymous recommended someone to me and I'm on day 5 and I really feel like this is something I can do..for the first time in a long time. The gist of the first plan (she changes them as we go) is carb protein fruit and dairy for breakfast, protein, grain, one raw and one cooked veg for lunch, same for dinner, and fruit and dairy for a night snack. Nothing in between and no breaking up a meal. The lady is also an OA-er and told me to pray for help getting through and as wonky as it sounds I did and it helped.

My next ivf was postponed due to zika virus..can you imagine?! Anyhow, at first I was upset but it's giving me a push to get shit done. Aside from the trying to lose weight thing, I signed up for my licensing prep course. I believe I mentioned this before how I have a degree that would enable me to work as a therapist but I never got my license..how silly is that? Well, not so silly is you were me me at the time. It was cancer and family crisis time at the time and I couldn't handle not one more little thing..not one and so I didn't...really I couldn't. Well, it's never too late though I'm terrified that I will fail and the truth is, I might. I haven't been in school in 10 years so it's not like the subject is fresh but I'm taking the prep course and hopefully they'll have a suggestion. It's embarrassing not to have it and plus, I want it as my backup career and also my dream career eventually...we'll see.

Anyhow, that is it. I'd like to say that I will log in here and keep track of my weight loss like a good little captain but that probably won't happen. I will promise that if this sticks, and if I lose, I will at some point post my losses..not consistently I'm sure but I will.

Today as I drove home from my OA meeting this morning, I thought of The Promises stated in The Big Book of AA, which OA also follows. I had been told if I hung in there they would eventually happen and today for the first time I felt like it was possible.

They state:   

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. 

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

I feel at peace in many areas of my life for the first time.  Not stress free because that's just not my life, at least not today, but I feel at peace about the food at least. I feel like it is possible to get off this fucking merry go round that I've been on my whole life and maybe this is only a temporary feeling, after all, it's not my first go at this, but I feel like this is different. I feel like this is emotional and I'm not freaked and it's a relief to feel that. 

My name is Gem and I'm a COmpulsivesive overeater

Don't know if I mentioned, that I'd been going to oa for a few years and was working with a sponsor until she dropped me... I'll get further into this at some other time as I just wanted to drop a quick post. I went back to weight watchers today and I havens been there in a few weeks. I thought I had lost as for the most part, I had tracked but the weekend I'll admit was a complete bust. Anyhow I gained..2 pounds. Had a long talk with one of the workers promised myself I'd do better, came home and ate the house. What the fuck is wrong with me...I don't want to but for whatever fucking reason I do it.. I go back to oa on  Saturday..I don't know anymore. It feels like I'll never get it but the other people in oa say, I'm not special or different and therefore if they could, I can. I keep hanging in. I am going to elaborate on this in the future and the shot going through my mind but it's 130 a.m. So..

Hard boiled eggs

I just thought I'd post an update because I need to get it out and sort it out and just regroup. There has been so much going on and I just feel a little overwhelmed...more than overwhelmed really. This month should end a two year long fight to refinance a mortgage that got all fucked up because of one of my siblings although we don't acknowledge this is why, this is why. Anyhow, that really doesn't matter...what does is that it's been stressful and hopefully at the end of this month we'll be finishing this mess...God willing that is. I'm tired of it to the point that I don't care anymore and if you know that feeling, then you know that feeling it's a go through the motions because who gives a good fuck at this point...I'm just going through the motions as I'm exhausted and too exhausted to think but not too exhausted to react. I have to watch myself as my tendency to get mouthy with people might end up being the death of me or at least burn a bridge I might need.

The real reason I'm here today after so long is as an update to what is going on with the whole fertility thing. I had a donor, the donor backed out. Ended up with another donor who seemed awesome and I had my bill paid for ($25K to start..ugh) and everything and I got a phone call with some bad news today...because of the Zika virus my donor cannot donate until August because she had traveled to Columbia last month. I initially froze and wanted to cry but went in to talk to Kay at work and managed to just pull myself together. My option was to wait or choose someone else and really, who the fuck wants to go through all of that again. First off my clinic is in NYC...I live about 45 minutes away but it's a trek and I drive a very old wrangler...not a city vehicle by any stretch...it gets there but it's a little scary sometimes..whatever...really though I don't want to agonize over the dos and don'ts and what ifs and who the fuck of picking someone else. So I'm opting to wait. In the meantime I have several things that I would like to work on; First and foremost..my weight..I would like to lost at least 20 lbs and really more but lets not go crazy..20 is going to be an accomplishment as I can't seem to stop eating as of late and I've been going to weight watchers and OA and if I see that stupid ass commercial with Oprah saying she can eat fucking bread...sigh. Anyhow, aside from that, I want to get my kitchen refinished, my carpeting replaced and my guest room cleaned out and painted. I also, and this is a big one, want to get my License for social work. I have an MSW but never got the license that would allow me to practice therapy under someone else's LCSW license... I ultimately wanted to be a therapist but ended up getting into the legal field because Life happens but I do want to do that. They are giving a prep course in May and so... Am I sad about having to wait another 4 to 5 months or more to try? Yes, to the point that my heart broke a little but you know, it's not the first time my heart has broken and like anything else that happens more than once in your life, you get used to it. You do. So this little twinge in my heart that makes me feel like I'm choking is must sitting there and I"m not letting it grow or get out of hand. I'm going to acknowledge that this more than sucks and isn't fair but life is definitely not fair. I'm going to be so old when I have a kid..it's so crazy. I started this shit when I was 39 and here I have going to be 40 fucking 5..but I'm lucky I can try. I'm borrowing the money against my pension and it'll automatically be withdrawn from my pay for the next 5 years.. that's how I'm doing it. I also am using 10K from my savings leaving me with a small lump of money for emergencies.

I'm hoping to be able to jump back in here more than I have. I'm using a lap top which I hate hate hate but my desk top is too slow to type on..don't even ask. It's actually a big reason I haven't written because I hate writing like this. It is what it is.

So that's my story. I'm just praying about it and trying to accept life on life's terms because, well because what else is there.

Out of the blue

Today, Friday ( though it's technically Saturday now), I left work and for the first time in a while I was feeling pretty good with no hurt feelings from a fucked up staff hurting my oh so delicate soul and no work I was worried about having left undone; just walked out like a regular happy human being on a Friday night. D had asked me to pick them up from the group home late that day so I had time before I picked them, and my other sibling up from the bus stop. I went home and everything was fine...at about 8:30 I get up to go get D, a 30 minute ride in the pitch black tree lined road, and boom! Sadness! Not just a little ad but this overwhelming feeling of just effed up melancholy...just completely overwhelmed me and brought me to tears with no accompanying thought really...just effing sad as all hell.. It's still here with me at 2 a.m. Sitting on my chest like a beast, just killing me softly. 

Frigging sad..hurts too and I can't remember feeling this way as it feels like a strange strange kind of sad.. Man. I really hope it goes away.

A Donor

I just want to shoot out a real quick post and although I'm not regularly posting anymore, I hope to and this is also something big..... They found a donor. On this week of all weeks where I felt the sadness and agony coming back after my sister's crap this past weekend, I got a call yesterday from the clinic. As soon as I saw the area code I knew..I knew something was coming. They told me she is Puerto Rican (I'm mixed and  half PRican),ca-ca-curly hair! which they had told me was extremely difficult to find (woot woot), on the Dean's list in Grad school, and beautiful. She's 30 which is older than they prefer but they told me her levels were excellent. They are waiting for the last of her tests to come back and for my Dr., who they explained is super picky, to look at her herself. I wanted to cry and scream because even though this isn't 100 % certain, it's hope and I haven't had that, at least a strong feeling of that in a while. After the call I went into Kay's office and we screamed and hugged like fools who'd won the lotto. I feel like God and my dad, and everyone else who is out there and up there looking down, is just giving me a break and telling me to hold on. Am I scared shitless? Yes, yes I am. For a million different reasons I'm scared but I'm also very thankful to have the opportunity to try.

I'm going to my OA meeting this morning and though I feel very comforted by this Saturday morning group, I don't think I'm going to share this with anyone. I shared it with Kay and I think I'm good with just that.

No where to go

It's been a long time since I've written but I have nowhere to go with this so here I am. It's not that I haven't wanted to written but the truth of the matter is I haven't felt the emotional need...until today.

Today would have been my dad's 80th birthday. It's been a little over two years since he's passed and that may seem like a good bit of time, it's like it has gone in slow motion as we have been in and out of court regarding the will and all of the property and the problems with the property. The problems are a story for another day.

All the siblings got together today to eat tacos (my dad's favorite) and to stop by the cemetery which is local. It all was fine. On our way out of there someone got the idea to go get frozen yogurt and off we went and thank God this was also very local. My younger sister was driving with me as the passenger, the rest of the clan in the back. In the course of conversation, I mentioned I had been in Jersey yesterday and she  inquired what I was doing in Jersey. When I said, nothing important as I was at an OA meeting and really who the fuck cares..she says, I think I know why you were there..I'm going to...I"m trying. Now, truth be told, I kinda knew she was trying which bothered me but that's life. I say to her, "No, I don't go to Jersey and if that's where you're going you may want to check their stats, and if you'd told me, I would have helped you...I can help you if you want". Now, right after I say that, I feel something. Something I've felt only once before on the day I was diagnosed with cancer and was driving home. It was just a little different and I realize now it was shock...and I wanted to cry but not soft cry, I wanted to really cry. You want to know why? Because I was never allowed to talk about my experience with fertility treatment. Had I been able to she would have known that I wasn't going to Jersey anymore and hadn't been for almost 3 years. The fact that she can talk about it, feels free to talk about it, like because it's her it's okay now, is the ass kicker. I broke my own heart with my offering to help her because that is my way. I'm no fucking saint and that's for damn fucking straight, but if you know me just a little you know that any time someone needs help I'm there...I may resent it but I show up, physically or emotionally and most of the time both.

So in that moment, after I say that to her that I can help her, I add that she should check the stats, that I"m not in Jersey and am in NYC and as soon as all this info is out I regret it. I know that I will not be there for her throughout her pregnancy for any reason. I think I have had enough. I want to howl at the moon. And we pull into my mom's driveway and in my head I'm organizing the fastest way to get the fuck out of there. I grab my two dogs, my laundry, my fro yo (of course) and haul ass out. And I cry the short ride home and don't know what else to do with myself and I think of this and this little spot which I'm pretty sure my older sister had at one point discovered and here I am.

I have to stop letting things hurt me so much but the truth is, how do you stop the only family you have from hurting you over and over and over because it's all you have. So you put up with it because otherwise, it's just you and two dogs and one or two close friends who have their own lives. But I'm so tired of it all really but there's nowhere to run from it. On this day..where I started off crying for the people of Paris, for my dad, and finally I end it crying for myself like a big fucking baby... but you feel what you feel and I feel pain and there's nowhere to go with it because it's all right here. I may have coated over all the pain I felt when my sister's abandoned me and they did, no doubt about it through all of those fertility treatments, the surgery and the point where I thought life had given me so much pain and had so forgotten me that I wanted to die. And though I don't feel some of that any more, I don't feel that crazy bordering on wanting to die pain, the pain from my family remains. I buried it deep but it's still right there and I hate it, I hate them a little I really do.

Time

It's been what seems like a million years since I've written anything here, in what used to seem like a part of me. So much has happened since after my dads death that it would take a million posts and I still think I wouldn't be able to describe it all. I'm feeling some kind of way today and with nowhere else to go with it, or at least nowhere satisfying, here I am. I've wanted to write so many times but for various reasons...

Today, one of the girls I met at the fertility center is pregnant with twins girls. Out of the three of us, I am the last to have nothing. I am thrilled for her but quite naturally so sad for me. If that is self indulgent, babyish or what have you...fine..I accept. It hurts me and I don't want it to and I'm genuinely happy for her as she by no means had it easy...she struggled as much as the rest of us who have undergone countless ivf cycles. I keep in the forefront of my mind the fact that I'm so lucky to have had the opportunity to even try the ivf. I'm doing ivf one more time and I'm doing donor eggs. I'm keeping that on the down low generally..for now. All my money will be going towards this and I don't care..it's my last try. I've gotta give this my best shot. I met with the doctor last month who told me it was a 50/50 shot...better odds by tons than if I used my own eggs. I've saved enough that I can cover   most of it and I am grateful to God, I really am. I'm just feeling tired of it all. Of all these babies everywhere and none for me...no husband, not even a significant other, and no babies.. I'm feeling sorry for myself, I am, but I'm entitled a little.

The past year has been very difficult but that is nothing new. If you've been reading along it'll come as no surprise as life has never been easy for me, for anyone really and this fact is fine. I still believe life is good...maybe unfair at times but overall good and I've been luckier in many respects than most. I say this also for myself, as I need to always remember this.

 My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer early last year , actually about 10 months after my dad passed and shortly after my sibling D moved into a group home. One of the women who worked as an aide for my dad moved in with my mom to just keep an eye on her and so she wouldn't be alone..it really worked out thankfully. The group home thing happened fast too as I pressured the case manager to hustle it up...shit was getting bad at my moms and it was not a healthy place for D. D is living 1/2 hour from me in a gorgeous house and although it has not been perfect, D more or less likes it though there has been some things that weren't great..we're working with what we have.

On the weight thing, I finally, finally, finally, got an OA sponsor and began "working the program" starting with completely giving up,sugar. If you've never given it up take it from me...holy shit its hard.I went through very bad withdrawals and had to call out one day like a typical junkie! It was no joke. I've lost 20 lbs and I would love to lose 50 more...more if I could but I'm grateful for what I've done so far...it's been 4 months and maybe 20 isn't much for that time but I haven't gone up and for me that's good enough. My sponsor is a self described bitch and exactly what I need. She calls it like she sees it and so far so good.

I'm going to try and stay writing and I also plan to go back to art. It's been years but this is my year. I feel it in my bones. The reality of it is, I'm not the same person that I once was and this isn't new for me. It seems every few years I have an awakening of sorts and life takes me in a new direction or motivates me to move in a new direction and here I am again...onward.

So Life Goes On

I'm back at work and its the same shit different day though I certainly don't feel like the same person.

My relatives from my moms side are visiting and it's bittersweet as they're still grieving over my uncles death but the trip had been planned for a while , my aunt hasn't been to the U.S. in over 20 years and so the visit happened and I'm glad as I know we still have our lives to live so we're doing some fun things for my cousin who is here and young and her and I actually took a cake decorating class (that's her thing) and because I used to be a sculptor (not sure if I ever mentioned..) it wasn't such a stretch...it was fun...made me miss art so much though I now know cake decorating, the icing part, is not for me.... whatever... I digress.

Today I received a message from my friend Ollie about his wedding in November. I've known him since I was 15 or so and he knew my father well....My father actually invited him to live with him when Ollie was down and out.....I got one line from him when my dad died...not a call not a card and for every tragedy in his life I've flown out to help him. It bothers me and I'm not replying to his stupid wedding bullshit. I'm pissed. But that's it...life goes on and nobody seems to stop when it feels like your life has stopped...it's natural I suppose.

It's hard.

My fairy Godmother

I went to go visit with my fairy Godmother on Wednesday. She was completely unresponsive and had been so since the previous day when she'd been admitted by ambulance. I cried the whole time there...I've been strong but really how much can someone take. The nurse was eager to speak to me as she said they had no info as no family had stopped by. Heartbreaking. Two nuns had stopped by earlier and I explained that she'd been a nun for over 20 years. I gave them what information I knew and stayed for about 2 hours just talking to someone who appeared to be in a deep sleep. Thursday morning I called the hospital and they explained she'd finally awoken but could not speak though at times could not yes. I went to see her later that day and it was not good. Better than Wednesday but still a far cry from my usually feisty Godmother. I felt awful as I couldn't stop crying and she just stared at me but really, it was the straw that broke the camel's back...just way to much and even as I write this I can't help but feel a deep and guttural sorrow in my chest; feeling too much loss in such a short time.

It's been hard. My younger sib is having a very difficult time. They also had the awful experience of having a long time love who'd they recently broke up with find a new person and tell them it was serious. My sib is very close to a breakdown and I'm seriously worried.

At times it feels as if there's a curse over our family though there have been many blessings there seems to be just a bit too much heartache and troubles throughout our lives. I don't get it but have to think it's some kind of test from God or the fates or what have you.

Just trying to hang in.

I spoke to the girls who are trying. R just had a disappointment and J is going for a retrieval today. I'm hoping to get my application for the donor thing filled out sometime this coming month.

Sadness and heartache

On Sunday Father's Day I got a call saying that there had been a tragic car accident and my uncle had passed away. We were all beside ourselves with grief. My sister and my mother were planning to fly out on Tuesday for the services and I had D with me from Monday to Tuesday morning staying at my apartment for the week. At about 4:45am Tuesday morning I got a call from one of the aides to say my dad wasn't feeling well. I called the hospice nurse.....got into an argument with her of course..and when she finally agreed to go To his apartment she called me back to say he had very little time left to live. Needless to say I got on the horn with my sister at the airport and told her not to get on the plane and long story short my father died Wednesday morning with all of us around him in the middle so a prayer. I was okay through all of the arrangements....through all the vulturing that inevitably happens but tonight I got a phone call that my fairy godmother has had a very bad stroke and in truth it feels like just a bit too much....just a little bit like they're trying to kill me here. Hurting like hell and breaking my heart.

Sometimes this world is just a teensy bit too cruel...

Just Shut Up Already

My work involves a ton of talking with a ton of different people who are usually in crisis of some sort. We end up meeting about 15 people a day if not more, hearing the most intimate details of their lives, and that's not including people we speak to on the phone. There is a saturation point, at least for me and times where yes, I ignore my phone calls, texts, and emails; really it feels as if I don't want to hear or talk to one more person not about my shit or theirs...I wanna just tell people to leave me the fuck alone. Today is one of those days. Aside from feeling this way, I've mentioned before I have an illness that I don't talk about which is flaring up this week and just killing me so I'm especially grouchy. In comes my mother with dementia and my sib who is M.R. .....ugh! It's very frustrating my plan was to take the to go see my father. But of course my mother has to call saying she wants to tagalong which is just annoying as hell because it's time for us to spend with our father not for her to spend with her ex-husband but if you tell her this she'll flip the hell out.

On top of all this the handyman continues to call me regarding repairs he's working on, the other handyman isn't calling me because he's pissed I don't approve of his ridiculous ideas for repairs (dude! It's fa fucking rental...I'm not putting in top quality shit so the dirty chick who lives there can fuck it up) and I'm just exhausted...near tears exhausted...and my siblings are nowhere to be found!

Fuck I could cry...I could cry cause sometimes its just too hard...feels just too hard.

The one positive note was that after receiving a long lists of shit I needed to get done from the fertility clinic, it turns out I don't have to hunt for a GYN to do them and my regular GP was able to get them all done today...the highlight of my day...the one easy thing I got this week.

So that's that people, a bitch session and I feel a little better. Thanks

Someday(s) are harder than others...

It's been a while and in truth I wasn't sure I'd come back but alas here I am with my heart full of emotions just spilling out of me. Right now really I'm just feeling tired; tired and depressed if truth be told. They say the fastest way to clear out a room is to put someone who's depressed in it. Alas, I really don't have to worry about that as few people come here but me and the crazies that lie within me.

Anyhow, where to begin. Really so many things have happened and by the same token nothing. There was an investigation at D's program after D reported that my mom hit them...it was not good. The police were called and I thought I was going to have a stroke. The police refused to investigate... This was so troubling for me on so many levels. First off I felt like I was torn between two lovers; I thought at this point my mother should know better but was caught up in feeling bad for her as she was freaked. The program suggested I press charges...Oh okay...right. D wasn't hurt except for the emotional aspect of it all and I pointed out to the program that this is about the 5th year that goes by without a residential placement for D that I've been requesting as my mother isn't able to properly care for D...hello people. Anyway, long story short, exhausting, almost had a heart attack complete with taking an anti anxiety pill for my heart palpitations and of course nothing came of it and in truth...THANK GOD!!! Nothing like an arrest for a mother who is not only a snob but also suffering from dementia....I would say more about it and try and take side but the truth is...for what? I'm clinging, clinging, to my sanity and reason so I can't take on any more.

My father is in the hospital again....not good. We've also been having problems with both my mother and father's business so I spent most of this morning with my mother in court. Now, if I was ever suicidal I'd spend the whole day with her and I'd surely die of frustration...she is beyond difficult. My plan had been to go to court and go to work afterwards but I found myself unraveling as I drove my mother home so instead I called out, bought myself something to eat, and came home. I then went to the hospital for a little while and then picked up my sib from the bus stop.

I decided to write, or more accurately, what propelled me to write, was my obsession with P face and Asshole which hasn't surfaced in a while but tonight while doing a google search I found out they had a little girl. You want to kill me Universe?! It just wrenched a hole in my heart. I guess a part of me feels that is the life I wish I was living and he's the one that got away and it's my fault because I didn't have the courage or so it seems to make it happen. That's the crazy me talking. The realistic me realizes that it would have never worked as I would have had to be the man and take the reins and that's just not my style and furthermore the dude was immature and in the end we would have been two fatties eating our way through life. His wife seems much more motivated to do shit, make shit happen, and take the bull by the horns...she's also much younger than myself...good for you Asshole (ha...)..! Oh well. That's the healthy me...not really that healthy but better than nothing. The bottom line is I realize perhaps a little late in the game that I want love, I want a man in my life....maybe not a husband but something like it....a support where I have his back and he's got mine and we're a fucking team who kicks ass together and gets through shit together and maybe it's all just a fairy tale we're sold and the actual relationship might be harder than I imagine but I want to have love in my life and that's that.

Speaking of healthy vs. unhealthy me, last week I went to go see the shrink lady and we had a serious talk about why I thought I was nuts. She said to me (again as I seem to be hard to convince), Gem, you are not crazy. Your family is crazy, the shit you  go through is ridiculously difficult and overwhelming and anybody would feel crazy having to take care of all of that. I felt better leaving. Still not 100% convince but I don't think I ever will be. You know, when the whole hitting thing happened with D it kind of shocked me but it didn't. I was hit growing up and really most of my friends were. Truth be told I'm not against corporal punishment but there is a time and a place and I don't believe in hitting when you are out of control. A spanking yes, absolutely, hot wild going crazy no wire hangers shit...no. I've had the no wire hangers shit many times...all of my siblings except for D have...shit happens and believe me that didn't stay with me as much as some of the emotional shit that haunts me til this day. It's funny that my mother was the big hitter though it's my father who caused the most emotional scars and he prided himself on never hitting the kids....my father really did a trip on me and it'll never be resolved. I told this to the shrink lady how this will never be resolved between us; not because he can no longer carry a conversation but because we never had a relationship where we could talk...neither one of my parents did with any of us though I'm sure that's the case for a lot of people. Kay at work talk to her mom every day...and used to speak to her dad every day too until his dementia got too bad. They have what she calls an awesome relationship and I hope, if I ever have children, to have even half the relationship she has with her mother. The shrink lady and I spoke about this...about how I worried that I might not as I have no personal frame of reference of a tight relationship with a parent. I don't know if she was blowing smoke up my ass but she said the fact that it was a goal and something I was striving for would set me on the right path....made me feel better.

Anyhow, there is apparently no rest for the weary as I'm on call and just got a call from the local police...
Will try to document more often...if for no other reason than it's a rare day that I blog and don't feel better after. It really is more of a personal journal than a blog but oh well.....

Scars

Maybe it's a moment of clarity when the crazy goes away and you can see through all the clouds and smog that have been choking you for too long. I caught just a glimpse in my memory of who I was and how I was when this whole thing started; when the baby making started. I had walked into this with no weapons, no armor, and in my naiveté was almost slaughtered, or so it seems emotionally to me. Like with any storm or in any battle there are scars and these past two years are no different; I'm standing here a different woman in too many ways. I have to remind myself not to let myself be taken, taken by the emotional pain. At the end of all of this there has to be something left of me; something  left to either raise a child or pick up the pieces of myself emotionally.......or both.

feeling shitty a/k/a Sunday

I totally lost it today at my mom's ..not screaming kind of lost it but bailed on everyone kind of lost it.   I couldn't take being with them any more and it's like I explained to my older sib when they asked me why I was suddenly pissed, I just felt like I was being held hostage. We had gone out to dinner for my mother's birthday which was fine but long and afterwards my sib says we're going to the supermarket to buy shit for my father. I didn't want to go but it was either go with them or drive the car home and pick them up and then, after spending what seemed like an eternity at the supermarket walking on eggshells because younger sib was grouchy,  we had to stop somewhere else and then go to my dads.... My sibling and my mother ended up staying at my fathers house. This normally would not be a problem however we still have not celebrated my mother's birthday meaning opening gifts and cutting a cake. It was already 7 o'clock. I go to my mothers house and I'm trying to sort through the huge mess of shit that we have left to do and finally I just lost my cool. It felt like I was never going to get out of there. Of course there was more to it than that but the gist..
It's my fault really because I find myself stressed over the amount of times spend with my family but I have choices. And really, if we delve a little deeper I'm harboring resentments against my two sibs to begin with and though I try to just ignore that piece of it all it's not easy. I need to do more to limit my time with them but then I feel like I spend too much time alone as it is....shit.
I hate when shit like this happens; when I feel like I can't take them any more, I act out, feel guilty, beat myself up, feel confused....ugh...it's too much.

On Hold

Just a quick update as I haven't written since my last meltdown. I've done nothing to work towards pregnancy. Haven't called Ms. Autumn to get the donor egg going. I've had too much with my dad, his business and work and am waiting for a bit of a lull where I can catch my breath just a little. Aside from that I guess I'm just waiting for myself to settle down emotionally.
The thing with my siblings has been eating at me more and more. Their disinterest is beyond...just beyond. I have to accept as there is nothing I can do about it and I don't want to harp on it but what is one to do. It's painful. They blatantly rejoice in other's pregnancies but won't even utter a peep of a question as to anything regarding my trying. Hurts.

It is what it is and like I said before I can't do anything about it.

Anyhow, everything else is the same; everything is chaos. I'm just trying to hang on until this all passes. It's stressful as hell and I see my father swinging back and forth getting a bit better and then worse. I wish we could get rid of some of his business as it's just too much really but it's not my decision to make. Onward.

Hypersensitive?

I understand when my siblings don't want to talk to me about my trying to have a baby. At least I try to understand. I don't understand why they have to bring each time another person gets pregnant. I just got an email from one of my fucking asshole siblings announcing someone else's pregnancy??!! Sometimes I think my whole fucking family has to be out of their minds because who would do that to somebody? Even somebody you hate you don't do that to.

Curve Balls

I had my follow up consult with the doctor on Monday. I fully expected for her to either tell me to do donor egg or give up altogether. She told me money being no object I should do at least another 2 rounds of ivf seeing as I'm "such a good responder"....What!!??...She said Gem, there's no rhyme or reason as to who gets pregnant...she can't predict. She said the embryos looked good and my lining was "beautiful".... Heard this phrase before from Dr. B. I told her I'd been expecting to go straight to donor and I was torn and that money is an object as I'm single and not rich though I would wish of course to be a millionaire. Ha ha..joke when nervous. Now this chick is one of the top fertility specialists in the country as well as a top cancer specialist. She was actually recently on the Katie Couric show and this is what she said: "You see all of this? All of this around me (she gestures at all of her awards and there are many).....my job ...everything I worked for? This is nothing compared to my children. Nothing at all. The best thing I've ever done in my life, the greatest thing is my children. You have to keep trying if you really want them. It's something you'll never regret". I tell her how I feel that I will regret it if I don't keep trying. I tell her I think I've made up my mind to go with donor eggs. She says that that's a rational decision and that the statistics are much higher. We talk a bit more and we end the meeting. It lasted all of 10 minutes. As I'm walking to the elevator I realize that now I haven't made up my mind. Now I'm not sure that I want to go with donor eggs. Now what the fuck do I do? I think it would've been easier she just told me to go with the donor, I wouldn't  have so many questions in my mind. Now I'm just confused. If it wasn't that it would cost me so much money to try my own eggs and then donor eggs if that doesn't work out I'd be more willing to just risk it but altogether if I do two more cycles of the IVF and it doesn't work and I decide to go with donor eggs I would end up spending more than $40,000.... money that I don't have. It would mean I would have to take out mega loans, borrow against my pension, against my retirement account,  tap myself out completely financially in terms of savings, and be completely freaked out by it all. I have a significant mortgage as well as a significant amount in student loans, and I also pay a large common charge for my condo complex. If it wasn't for all those factors and I just rented a place I didn't have the student loans perhaps I wouldn't be so worried. By the same token, I know that I make decent money and that my job is relatively secure. What do I do? I don't know. I really don't. J tells me do one more, R doesn't say either way but she's married and I get the impression she's okay financially, Kay doesn't say either way either, Jo-Ann says Gem just do it. I'm torn.

I want to go with donor because I'm tired, tired of all the physical shit ivf puts you through and I believe I mentioned the illness I have that I don't talk about...it makes it worse and it hurts. I know though that there will be a part of me angry that I wasn't resilient enough....tough enough to hang in though the rational part of me says, "it's been 3 IUI's and 4 ivf how much more shit can you take"? On top of this my meds from after cancer were changed and I'm having heart palpitations....not a good time to decide but I'm not getting any younger. Fuck and ugh..

Another one down

R got her results yesterday....negative. Not sure if I mentioned that one of her frozen embryo had died the day of transfer and so they had to take her last one for transfer. She's got none left that means.

Monday I go in to see the doctor for the consult.....they had initially told me it would be a phone conference but they called to say they wanted to see me in person. If I'm repeating myself, my apologies, I'm all over the place really.

I'm as usual scared to see what the doctor is going to say. I guess my fear is that she's going to say I'm  too heavy, or she doesn't want to work with me, or she feels like it's impossible for me to actually get pregnant. J mentioned to me this week also feeling like she is fighting a losing battle and feeling like she wants to give up. She also said she doesn't think she wants to try donor eggs and mentioned going straight to adoption. I can't imagine ever just giving up on myself that easily....Its hard not to judge when you've gone though 2 years of torture....She's only gone through two cycles and her insurance covers six more cycles..... I just feel like that's a cop-out.. but what do I know and who the fuck am I to judge....(going to hell I tell you). Maybe she's on the fence about getting pregnant, or even scared, and I understand that; she is single like me and I can't tell you how hard it is to go through this alone so I really need to just shut up already. There have been so many times where I question if I really want to do this or not. Even though there's a part of me that can't imagine my life without children, there's another part of me that is so fearful of doing this. You think about what if something were to happen to you and the child ends up with no parents? I think about how little family I really have around me and how none of my siblings have children and how in turn, that would affect my child's future. Perhaps I'm overthinking everything but I'm a planner by nature and I never want my child to feel all alone in the world. Do I have control issues or what? I guess I can't plan everything in life and that should've been obvious to me by now.....a hard lessons to learn for me it would seem.

Well onward....We will see what the doctor says on Monday and really just how I feel about whatever she has to say. I have no doubt that I will use, or try to use, donor eggs. No matter the cost I feel I have to at least give myself that one opportunity though it does scare me financially and otherwise.

Relief

Did you ever get to one of those points in your life where you just can't find a way to make yourself feel normal again; like you're crawling out of your skin and you don't know what to do to temper that feeling? I'm in between wanting to smoke, wanting to drink, wanting to drug myself just a little, and wanting to just slip into some sort of peaceful coma...just for a little while..just to rest my brain and my heart for a little bit. None of those things would help me...maybe combining a few of them but that could also kill me and I don't want to die but I do want to rest; just to be able to get rid of this ache in my chest from too much of everything in life. It's really just too much sometimes..too much for one person really. I wonder if it's different if you're going through life with someone else...a partner sharing your grief..I don't know. I imagine it has to be in some ways.

I had a phone call today from my Godmother's neighbor Javier. He and his wife babysat for my Tess one day as they have a tiny dog too. They are also having fertility problems. His wife can get pregnant but she miscarries. She actually got to 6 months along one time and miscarried in her bathroom, the babies little feet dangling from between her legs. Torturous. We have from time to time touched base though the wife is super shy, super sweet but super shy. He's older and I'm guessing has a drinking problem...he has a drinking problem. Anyhow he called me out of the blue to ask me how the fertility shit is going so we talked for a bit. It was good to talk to someone about it who wasn't directly going through it but knew the struggle. I at times wish I could really just freely talk to someone about what it is I feel...not just the process but the actual emotions going through my soul and body. It's not good. It's really not good. My edges seem to be fraying this time around. The clinic told me to call the doctor's assistant to set up a phone consult but I haven't done it yet. I'm building up the...what?..courage? I'm not sure what I'm building up but maybe it's just getting my bearings. Just putting this all together..my brain together.

I'm having trouble at work...getting the work done. My job requires thinking. Lots of fucking thinking. Thinking, planning, strategizing. None of these things are really my forte...I'm more of a talking kind of person...more social service type shit. Anyhow, I'm struggling. Struggling not to just say to people, leave me the fuck alone! My brain is shit! But of course I can't say that. I have to go through the shit..the meetings, the bullshit, the staff crap, and of course my asshole director who is the type of person who asks you a question but already has the answer she wants...you know...the type of person who thinks her brain cells are the best...good..fuck it..fuck you lady...don't ask me and make me think just to tell me that's not the answer..answer your own fucking question...just tell me where I'm going and what to say.

I'm drowning really. My father is really to shit. Really to shit. I saw him last night and I could have cried with how fucked up he is. Just a shell of what he once was.

On top of that I finally looked at all my credit card statements, savings and all that shit and it's not good. I have about 10K in credit cards, and not as much as I thought in savings. I get my tax money back and I'm hoping that's at least 4k and that's it. It's exasperating to think about paying the $20+K for the donor egg thing though at least with this idea, the donor egg idea, I've made peace. I've done all I can, all within my power to do my own eggs...it's just not happening. So for now I'm on a strict no spend budget and we'll see what happens. I figure I'm going to borrow the $10k from my pension plan (which they make you pay back in 5 years), 5K from savings, and I'll either borrow the rest from my other retirement account (I set this up separately) or put it on my credit card. That's that. I'll be fucked for 5 years as that's how long I have to go to pay back my master's degree as well and then it'll be a little relief.

I hadn't written because in truth I didn't want to speak. I think I stayed silent for two solid days...what's to say really except that it felt like it feels for everybody else; like my heart was literally breaking apart in two; a feeling I expected and was preparing myself for. It hurt any ol' way. How do you prepare yourself for agony? I don't know. I did my best and lived to tell the tale so I guess that's success. J from the 3 girls I met at the clinic was super cool about it and supportive, R tried to be but she's younger. She had her transfer yesterday. I believe I mentioned she produced 2 good blasts that she planned on transferrring individually as she wanted to avoid twins. One of them unfortunately didn't survive the thaw and they had to ask her if it was okay to defrost the other...so it's inside and she's waiting to see what happens. I hope it takes for her sake. The pain is too much really...too much for even the biggest asshole in the world to deserve and she really is a nice girl.

Anyhow, that's it for me. Had to put this all out there so it didn't swallow me whole...so I could breathe just a little. Thank you.

1 positive....but none for you

We finally got a positive from one of the girls in the group....the oldest one of us...wouldn't you know....On her first try. She produced one egg in total...count them....one. They say you just need one good one. The email hit me like a ton of bricks...literally made me gasp. I did what I promised I wouldn't..ran to the bathroom to test.....Negative....big fat bupkis for me. I'm okay...A little bit of pain in my stomach...like the kind you get when you find out the boy you love is marrying somebody else but not as intense...the same though...hits you in the same spot.

I don't want to cry at this clinic tomorrow. It's not the homey caring place like my old clinic where everyone is rooting for you. This is very upper east side...designer handbag...nobody knows your name kind of place. Can't lose it there. I feel like tears are right there but really I've done all this shit before; this mass of emotions. What's the point really?

Right before all this at about 10:30pm my dads aide called...he won't settle down. I talk to him and he's all kinds of confused...."come get me" I hear him yell. I talk to him...calm him for a sec...it doesn't last but a few seconds.

Sometimes I wonder what this life is all about.