Keeping on..

I believe I mentioned I had gotten my period after work Monday. I was glad to get it as the Dr. mentioned I was to have gotten it over the weekend and when it hadn't come I was worried that perhaps it never would again. Monday and yesterday it was pretty light but today it came in normally except with excruciating cramps. So bad in fact, that I took 3 advil this morning, had to leave work early as I was in real pain, came home and slept for a bit over an hour and had to take 3 more advils..pain. I found myself tearful again today, not so much while I'm at work but when I'm alone. I came home and got to watch some of those shows on TLC where they show people having babies or bringing them home or what have you..I cried..cried when I was happy for them and cried when I was sad for me.

I went to see the Canadians last night and my two regular friends did not come. Some other Canadians whom I'd never met before came and was a total bitch. I shared with the people on the phone and broke down crying in front of the bitch..I didn't care. I find myself caring less about mundane things which is good though I'm still obsessive about work. I have to be careful at work as that one chick Horseface is very angry at me..she is a very dangerous person and therefore my hackles are up and on guard..we'll see what happens..and there's a part of me that doesn't care about that either. The part that cares is the one where hope lives and I'm still hoping for that baby so I need my job more than ever.

Well, that's it in a nutshell and just wanted to touch base briefly before I hit the hay. Life continues but there's a little piece of me that doesn't want to. I know that the beat goes on and I've got to roll with the punches, and all those other motivating cliches but I'm getting tired..I've been tired and I'm getting more tired..two more tries and then I'm pretty much I don't know where.

Smoke 2 cigarettes and call me in the morning..

Last night I spoke briefly to Kay whom I love but it wasn't what I needed. I waited until about 11:30 pm and called Diana who was working graveyard. She said she'd been just about to call me,something I had needed to hear; that someone was thinking of me..needy huh? but there it is. Diana, out of all my friends, knows me the best and is the most similar to me in certain respects. I cried like a freak for about an hour..wracking sobs the ugly, I can't even talk, crying..smoked a marlboro menthol from my emergency stash and finally after 3 days of emotional hell felt human again. Went to work today, got through the meeting without killing anyone or making an ass of myself..almost got through my shift without someone annoying the crap out of me..and here I am: safe and sound at home. Tomorrow is another meeting with my staff to start the day and I have a feeling it's not going to be good. I'm going to try to get through it without getting my ass handed back to me on a platter and just move on. One of my coworker..a young girl who I'm pretty close to, said Gem, next time you can't run around stressing like you do..you gotta be away from here as it's too much..this is all too much and I think she's right. I worked like I always worked and was annoyed by people like I always am..and really, though I know my not getting pregnant is not my fault, I have to do more to protect myself, to ensure that I don't just carry that all capable attitude..it's not good for me and it doesn't do me any favors and really, if I was an embryo, I'd be like, I'm outta here..so next time..I'm going to take a little time to myself and protect myself even if I have to call out to do it. But that's for later but a good lesson along the way.

So the moral of this story? Shit happens and this too shall pass. I feel better. Not 100% back to where I was but better. When I got home today I opened up my underwears to find my period sitting there..a relief as I didn't want to get it while at work, and feel any emotions while there, and also was worried that it wasn't coming..it's here and I'm fine with it. I'll try again in January. Am definitely going to find a shrink as, even though I feel okay, I recognize that I have demons haunting me that I can't shake on my own and eventually they will come for me and take me if I don't deal with them now so on to a therapist it is. Have to find one less crazy than me which you'd think wouldn't be as hard as it is..but isn't this the way of things?

I'm going to try and use this time between now and January to focus on me, finding a therapist and lose a little weight..just get myself together a bit. No more smoking for me as I woke up with the urge after yesterdays slip..maybe a beer later.. Just need to relax.

Where do you go from here?

Just finished dropping off "D" at my mom's. I felt bad as usually "D" and I do a lot of joking and goofing around and really, I feel at the brink of an emotional crumble. This has been by far the hardest time finding out I'm not pregnant..I was so close I can't believe I'm not but there it is. So I dropped "D" off after a somewhat mediocre stay which almost got worse when I felt myself unraveling with "D" and that I just didn't have the patience to deal today so I'm glad it ended before I lost it or was mean or both. I'm at a loss as to what to do if this doesn't work out..where do I go from here? What is it that I want to do with my life if there is no child in it and yes, I can focus on myself and perhaps meeting someone but that's just not who I am. That is just not enough for me..a man is not enough to fill that void.

I have been having this issue that has been bouncing all over the place triggered by a case at work..about molestation..my skewed perspective on abuse and what is normal and the realization that after a million years in therapy I only briefly touched upon what happened to me once, with one therapist, who I dropped of course. I'll just say what happened here like taking a big bad dose of medicine,..as quickly as possible. I was molested twice in my life or I should say by two different people...one a person just a few years older than me..maybe 5-6 years and one by an older man. One involved touching, kissing, groping all over and the other just attempts and one pushing of a penis against my ass while I was dressed..that's it. These things have recently been haunting me..don't know why as I mostly thought they were non issues...distant memories from my childhood which I assumed everyone experienced at one time or another or something similar..they've just beeen eating me up lately and I just don't know what to do with these thoughts. For whatever reason not being pregnant has made them worse. You see all my life I thought of myself as a non-woman, not attractive enough for a man and though I've been hit on by women, and have toyed with the idea or possibility of being gay, that's not who I am. I am not attracted to women but am scared shitless of men. I told you, I think, about the cop that I met recently who was so nice, and as usual, I ran..been doing that my whole life..ashamed of myself, my body just everything..just always feeling I'm not enough...not good enough. When my doctor told me to go ahead and try to have a baby I couldn't believe it. As weird as it sounds it was confirmation that I am indeed a woman and that someone else could see that too, not just someone to be dismissed. I envy people who just know that about themselves and I don't know where this went wrong in my life but I've always felt different, unattractive, gross, not a real woman though I know intellectually that these are not all true. When I was down to my lowest weight I was hit on and flirted with constantly..I couldn't take this, just couldn't emotionally take it..wanted to hide from the world and in essence, I did just that, gained weight and covered myself. I can't deal with my body. Going to the doctor this time, she's so not judgmental and it so surprised me for her to act like I was normal..it's been a weird experience..... nonsexual which made it easier for me to wrap my head around the concept that I am a woman after all..I don't know. I know this probably all sounds crazy but it's what is deep inside me and the secrets that I've struggled with. They say people have secret lives that they live and I guess this is mine, the shit that runs through my head. I guess it's good that I get it out and find out certain shit about myself, the ways in which my perception is fucked up, before I bring a kid into this world. Also, this whole non-support form my family thing is triggering shit for me. Feelings of being alone as a child, misunderstood, criticized for aspects of the molestation shit which don't really matter to explain it all out. Feelings of non-support during my cancer treatment. Just feeling that my family has never given me what I needed emotionally. I think at times there is something wrong with my family but at other times I think it's me there's something wrong with..the reality of it is I think it's a little of both. I realize at this late point in my life that my family can't give me the things that I need emotionally and really that's not their fault..that just is the reality of what they are. In turn I am not what they want me to be or react how they want me to act. My sister said last night that she can't believe what they (my parents) let me get away with. I think that I've always had an unrealist expectation of them and maybe they see that; maybe they see that I need something that they can't give but it doesn't mean they don't want to. We all have limitations after all.

I have a meeting at 10 a.m. tomorrow with several heads of several agencies..big wigs and I don't feel that I can pull it off but I have to go. I'm hoping they do most of the talking and I can just nod along..I don't want to go to work. I want to stay home and just cry and drink, and smoke and just carry on with my life by myself...with nobody but me and Tess and even Tess I wish wasn't with me as this can't be fun for her..thank God she's low energy and spends so much time sleeping..I just want to stop the world for a minute so I can catch my breath, or sleep for a year, or hibernate and decompensate for a bit, but I can't..mortgage, student loans, bills..shit. How did I get here? How did I get to such a complicated life, with a too complicated job, that I hate so fucking much? Why couldn't I have had something simple? Is there such a thing? I don't know.

To Be or not To Be...that is the Question...

So, last night I mentioned that I got the negative HPT...devastated..crying fit..feeling bad for myself and sat in my own shit for the rest of the evening except for the long walk me and Tess took cause really, why should she sit in it with me? So today I go to the RE's office, say to the nurse, "I don't think I"m pregnant"..'why, did you take a home pregnancy test?'.."yes, and it was negative"..'ohhhh'..okay so I'm like confirmation, this dance is done, nail in the coffin, pack it up and move on. See the Dr. and we have the same exchange except, 'well, it could be too low to show up on an HPT'..oh, I think..Hope?..so she sticks the penis probe inside and looks around and says, "Gemma if you hadn't told me you got a negative I would say you look pregnant. Your mucus is right..ovaries swollen as occurs in pregnancy..it looks good. I don't want to get your hopes up though but I don't want you to be discouraged." I of course break down balling..I mean..what kind of yo-yo hormone crap is this..do I stay or do I go here? So I cry the entire way back to New York..am hysterical as I fill up on cheap Jersey gas..and haul my ass over to the department store..call Diana..who really is drowning in her own stuff but when you can't call family you pick whoever comes to your mind..I buy an overly expensive sweater (which by the way will be returned as I just found a coupon for that store 30% off) while bumping into every pregnant woman, and newborn infant on the planet, ...rush home, set up the crock pot all the while holding in my pee and go take another HPT...guess what it said? Why,.. negative...of course. Have to just keep the faith.

Testing, one, two, three, testing...

So I bought a home pregnancy test during my lunch break at work. I know it's early but I had to be prepared for the negative and in the deepest, darkest, secret part of myself, I've been telling myself I'm pregnant. This is not good! I will be devastated tomorrow so I had to stick a pin in that friggin imagination balloon..sure enough..negative. I cried for a second..just a second of frustration and pitty party-ness..feeling like everyone gets everything,.. I get nothing, ..I'm going home to eat worms like a big friggin baby. It's painful..real painful...I want to run from my life but there's really nowhere to go so.. I go to the RE tomorrow to confirm and do an US and then we start again. Though I write this, there's a disconnected part of me that doesn't fully believe it because I don't want to believe it..don't want to believe that I've gone through all this shit for nothing..both of my ass cheeks hurt still from these shots, I'm hormonal as hell, and have close to 10K worth of sperm on my AMEX card and yet nothing..nothing at all..can you imagine? And I only have 2 more tries on my insurance. If I pull it together I can probably scrape up enough for one round of IVF on my own but then I have not one drop of savings...scary when you are trying to have a child...to do it sans a penny of savings. I don't regret taking the test as I can now grieve slowly and in private. I'm pissed though and hurt but I have to learn to accept this...do my two more tries and then ..

"D" is coming to stay with me this weekend overnight so I have to prepare my spare room and do some cooking, cleaning, and shopping. I like when "D" stays though it's also somewhat taxing..and it always seems that "D" comes when I'm not emotionally equipped but the plan has been laid and so ..

shit.

Killer Colleagues!!

Today was a whirlwind of a day. I've been trying to keep a low profile...lower than usual, at work as I've been feeling emotionally shaky...just an inner jitter that I can't seem to shake and so I have to keep stress (a/k/a coworkers) away. Well today it starts off like shit. I have some hard decisions to make that will result in people getting very angry at me..then I have this twirp reception kid come into my office screaming and cursing about my staff..biotches you say? Yeah, no fucking kidding..welcome to my world..but I'll be damned if I'm doing your job. So he goes off, and this kid is a spoiled punk whose mom is a bigwig in another area and so my boss of course buried her nose in thos cheeks, and the kid really belongs working at a pizza hut..that's the truth..lazy. So he goes crazy, I calm him down, he upsets a client, I calm the staff who now has to deal with the client down, then he pulls some cocka mamie thing where rather than do his job he forwards the work to me..so I told him..listen..don't talk to clients..take their name and pass it on to a staff..don't make any decisions for them or explain jack to them..just pass their name to a staff..that's it. Doesn't the little shit get pissed off starts slamming crap around and then go running to my boss? And here comes Ms. Power-Trip to reprimand me and tell me to march myself and go do the work and that we'll talk about my treating a reception staff a certain way tomorrow. I insisted we speak on it now and pulled her into a coworker's office. Long story short she initially defended the kid but unfortunately for his sorry ass there were too many witnesses including (thank you Lord), Mattie, who had returned to work this week and was in my office when the little shit exploded..mouth agape at his behavior mind you. Whew..he was reprimanded and cried. Tried to throw me under the bus the little shit..took his ass down with me..we'll see what tomorrow brings..it's not easy I tell you. All this friggin stress and it is extremely stressful as aside from all this crap I had a mountain of work to do and serious legal issues (work) that I was trying to juggle...while sitting on the fact that I'm trying to get pregnant, have taken a ton of drugs so I'm super emotional, and waiting to hear that it's once again a BFN!! Now I don't know this for sure but I'm preparing myself for the disappointment. The kid upset me so much my stomach was in knots and I had to run to find a bathroom...I do not like to do this at work and yes it's TMI but it is what it is. Hoping tomorrow is better. It's the last day before the weekend thanks to Veteran's day. Ugh..need some good news Friday but have a feeling it's not gonna be what I wanna hear. I'll live but it'll hurt.

Monday

I just want to add here that I love my mother as much as she drives me crazy and doesn't show a maternal side..she's the mother God gave me and I'm lucky to have one..Wanted to add that to conclude yesterday's rant. I was angry and though it's all true..spread out over a lifetime, it's not the worst situation in the world..

So, today was another Monday. I did my calculations and it appears that my period should not be showing up until sometime late next week though it hasn't been regular since pumping my body full of all this crap. I actually had a very short period sometime last month but I guess it's from all the meds that is forcing my body to do what the RE wants it to do. I don't feel anything much today..was cramp free all day until late tonight when I had some cramping. Last night when I awoke to use the bathroom there were two tiny and I mean teensy drops of blood..they were bright read and not smudgy..more like suspended drops..weird and pardon the TMI but it is what it is.. I thought to myself, "aww, two fell out"..I know that's not how it works but those were my thoughts..I'm scared that this won't be it..Have a feeling it isn't but want to be somewhat hopeful..not sure what'll happen of course..Friday is the day.

The Parents

Tonight I just got into quite an argument with my mother... Upsetting. I don't know at what time in my life, but suspect sometime in my early 20's, I became disillusioned and disappointed by my parents..I guess in just the realization that they will never live up to the expectation I had for them and really, that's not their fault, I mean, who the fuck am I? Maybe everyone at one point has this realization..it's cause a real break in our relationship ever since. Tonight my mother started the topic again regarding what exactly "D's" diagnosis is, wanting to decrease "D's" meds herself as "D" sleeps "too much' even though "D" takes these meds for auditory hallucinations. I don't get her, I really don't. Who does this kind of thing because it's hard for them to get their child up in the morning? Really? Cause it's a pain in the ass for you to get them up, your child should hear terrifying voices? I don't know. So I say, this again? And she starts yelling that she can't talk in her own house, that she has nobody to speak to and she's carrying on, screaming as usual, her usual rant that nobody gives a shit about her. I tell her maybe if you changed the topic..it's the same topic and if it's not that topic, you're asking one of us for something. She says, "you never do any favors for me at all!" Well I had had it. I told her that I didn't have to do any favors for her..that I did more than my share for "D" and practically raised "D" which she disputed..I asked her, "Tell me one school meeting I didn't attend? One program meeting I didn't attend? One doctor that wasn't found if not by me? Any significant part of D's life that I hadn't been involved in?" I was fucking livid. I have lost more sleep over this kid than she would ever know with all the shit throughout "D's" life..the time no doctor would take "D"...nobody wanted to take the case when D required tons of medication but had nobody to prescribe..when we had all the problems in school due to the "incident", when we had all the problems finding a school where "D" could exist and every fucking day after working an overnight shift before going to school full time I'd trek my ass down to the school flip the kid over my shoulder and take the out of control child kicking and screaming home because the school couldn't handle "D"... I sat for 2 weeks straight in "D's" class one year to try and figure out what the fuck was wrong, drove the kid to school for a month back and forth when D was suspended from the bus..yeah, I don't help her...WTF!!!!! And the times she's come through for me...Hmmm.. let's think..the one, count them, one visit she made to the hospital oncology ward when I was in there for over a week...she visited for a whole 5 minutes and had the fucking nerve to tell me she was visiting so and so..the mother fucker who had molested me as a child..knowing full well how I felt about that fucker..can you fucking imagine???? Fucking oblivious...even my father who barely spoke to me throughout most of my adult life wanted to kill the mother fucker but my mother? no, she wants to visit..and tell me about it when I'm trapped in oncology's isolation room...And I forgive my mother a lot...I don't harp or dwell on her hitting us as children..that's not even a blip on my radar of shit but do I remember? Hell yes..crazy ass woman would tear our room up and throw every single possession in the garbage..you think I exaggerate? EVERY single belonging you had would end up in the trash and this happened let's see...hmmm...can't count how many times I came home to a room full of nothing but your bed and furniture..no posters on the wall, no socks, no pants, no nothing..crazy..yeah and all the support she's given me now trying to conceive..can't even bring it up any more as I can't take the fucking hurt. I know my siblings think I'm crazy as they accuse me of trying to have a normal conversation with her..think she's incapable of talking about anything but her..my sibs words not mine..I don't know. I look at all my friends with the normal mothers who are supportive and talk with them and they go shopping sometimes or out to lunch and I think WTF? And let me tell you..there is a part of me that's made my peace with that..I'm not looking for Mrs. Brady here..but once in a while..can she just be a little motherly? Ask, how are you and wait for an answer before she asks you for something?

Sorry, I had to vent that out and I'm fine really. Just trying to clear out my head and talk it out. Sometimes I think I'm mean to her and other times I feel justified but in reality I wish I could ignore her little idiosyncracies and just accept her as she is..I try...I really do. The funny thing is every time I visit her I say a prayer on my way to not upset her or let her upset me..every single time and didn't I forget today because I took a different route and didn't pass the church that usually triggers my prayer? Ugh. If there wasn't a chance I had babies in here today would definitely be a take a puff from my stash of smokes day.

Full of Embryos

My doctor explained to me why we were up in the air as to whether it was today or tomorrow for insemination; it turns out 2 more eggs fertilized and they wanted to wait and see how they progressed to be able to pick the best of the bunch..they didn't progress and so I found myself rush rush rushing from work to the RE's office for my implantation..no ride, no valium, and in the end, no biggie. Four went in; 1 excellent, 2 very good ones, and 1 good enough..so now we wait. I was started on injectible progesteron which my doctor explained was old fashioned but for me she'd like it as a back up and the progesterone suppositories at night. The injections are in the ass..both the nurse and doctor doubted I'd be able to pull it off myself but I managed to do one in their office though the test will be if I can manage to do it on the other side of my butt..one side is easier to access for me than the other..this should be fun.

The closer I get to this as a reality the more scared I become. I have doubts on my ability to be a good parent. My fears I think are not the traditional..it's more my fear of being able to be active enough for a child. I'm giving myself 5 months after the baby is born to lose some weight and if not then I'm going to have to look into lap band..enough is enough and I have to either shit or get off the pot. I have to do everything I can to be the best parent as it'll just be me fucking up this kid..and she/he will have nobody to immediately run to so.. I went for a walk early today with Willa and am trying to get back into the habit of doing that. Getting harder with the weather as it's freezing. The other day Tess refused to walk and I had to carry her the whole way..crazy dog. I'm hoping I can keep it up even if I have to put her in a bag to come with me.

Just trying to do my best here.

I went out with my friend Ling today and she asked about my sibs and family. She's known me for about 18 years and my family. She was upset to hear they weren't supportive at all. It got me upset a little to just talk about it but it is what it is. I can't stay sick with them..have to make my life and move on.

Just waiting

So at around 3 p.m. I called the RE's office as my doctor had said they'd be contacting me with instructions as to when I was doing the implantation, saying most likely Thursday. The nurse told me I'd have to call tomorrow between 8:30 and 9 to see if I was actually going Thursday or Friday. I explained that my shift starts at 8 and this makes it difficult. She explained the embryos may or may not be ready and they'd have to check on them in the morning...Oh. Well that trumps it's going to be difficult for me to leave work, right? I called my friend Ling who had said she could take me tomorrow to explain and she said didn't think it'd be a problem. I was going to ask Kay again but she's been super stressed and high voltage and right now I need peace and serenity. Ling is not the healthiest emotionally but she's someone who usually does well when dealing with sick people so.. and she was more than willing. I helped her with her children when they were little and still they come over for major homework assignments regularly so she is always saying she owes me which so isn't true..though at one time I saved one of her kid's lives..we joke about this. Those were our days of afternoon cocktails every day and working nights..back when neither of us had any and I mean any money. We had lost contact for a while and upon reconnecting she let me know she had developed a drinkig problem. I always look back and think..thank God I walked away when I did with just the smoking habit and the food issue..alcohol on top of it would have sent me over the edge. She struggles with the alcohol at night mostly..mostly wine. If worse comes to worse, I can drive myself but can't take the valium they suggest you take before the procedure..I really want the valium..so unlike me but I've had enough already. If you saw my body, I have bruises all over my arms, my stomach and one so large on my hand from the IV, a coworker actually gasped today when she saw it..yes..it's been semi-torturous so..valium please!

Anyhow so I'm in a sort of limbo waiting to see and the kind of fucked up part of it is that I had changed my entire calendar tomorrow in preparation for the insemination..rearranged a fairly large meeting and here I am waiting..In truth, I really don't give a shit..I hate meetings...I'm sure the guy who had to rearrange all this feels differently. Speaking of meetings, this morning I went to one as a matter of fact..one of those here's breakfast long meetings. I bumped into a police officer..cute!..who struck up a conversation..when I introduced myself he said he knew me already and recalled 'the incident" that had occurred at work with me. He asked me if things had gotten any better and commented that someone should have taken a bat to my coworker..so of course I fell in love and also fell apart..had to walk away and haven't been right all day..it's just too much still..too painful the whole incident. Waiting for the day when it's little more than a memory.. Made me feel good that the cop felt this way though..like there are still men out there willing to put up their dukes for you..you know? I know this is so anti-women's independance and blah blah blah but sometimes..you need a Knight..even if it's just long enough to take a swing or say he'd take a swing..a girl needs a knight. Anyhow, trying to just keep my eye on the prize here, what's really important..my baby.