Back on the Sauce

So this past Friday I went back to the fertility clinic, had my sonogram and blood drawn and showed her my med supply (they told me to bring it with)..come to find out I'm missing one which she explains I'll have to go to the pharmacy to pick up. The med is Lupron...a new one for me and the instructions go like this...I should be getting my period on Saturday...start the lupron on Sunday and then add the menopur and follistim on Monday..the nurse will explain how to do all of this..if things are different..we'll call you and let you know later today with the blood test results. I get a call as expected except she tells me I'm taking all my meds at once starting Sunday..continue for 4 days and come in on Friday..I say, "I thought I was only taking lupron Sunday and starting the rest on Monday"..no, no this is how it's going..Okay, I hang up because I tend to be a know it all so I shut my pie hole. Then I think..4 days..that's 'til Wednesday..then what? No meds? I call back..she says no it's like I told you and I explain but that means no meds for Thursday and Friday..she says hmmm..that's strange...Okay then start them on Monday and I'll look at your chart..I say listen,double check as I think I'm doing Lupron on Sunday and start the rest of the shit on Monday..except of course I don't say shit..I'm nice..I say meds...Okay she says I'll check but I don't think so..she calls...yes, you're right..blah blah blah..okay awesome thanks. Shit, thank God I was paying attention. Okay, I go to East Jabib pharmacy yesterday...and I mean this shit was far..I was following my GPS system with blind faith as I had no idea where the frick I was..somewhere in the next state is all I know..sheesh...and all I'm thinking is shit man, I still don't have my period..waiting all day for the thing..all night then..can't sleep waiting for the thing..this morning..nothing..I begin cleaning my kitchen taking the stove apart doing shit I never do trying to trigger the mother...nothing! by 9:30 a.m. stove is sparkling, as are my cabinets, backsplash, counters and sink, and I know it's not coming and use the emergency number to my doctor's office...speak to a nurse..Linda.. who seems more than competent..she says hmmm...were you on birth control? Yes. You stopped it when? Wednesday..yes, you should of gotten your period but your levels should have been controlled any way so go ahead and inject...you sure? yes, I'm positive. Okay, so I decide let's make a pot of coffee to give her some time to call back and change her mind but she doesn't call back so I gave myself the lupron...still no period. Oh well. We'll see what happens. Trying to stay Zen for all this. Have continued the acupuncture...gonna dye my hair today, vaccuum, and then to my mom's for Easter dinner. This month I think is different then the others. I don't feel hopeful but I don't feel defeated..I feel like I am going through the motions with a tinge of anxiety running through my veins. Anxiety initially triggered by "D" who by the way was seen my the psychiatrist yesterday. My sibling took "D". The psychiatrist was livid when she heard that we needed a note saying "D" is not a danger to self or others in order to participate in one of the programs in the community and according to my sibling, almost blew a gasket at find out they suspended D from the work program due to hallucinations...according to my sibling the psychiatrist slammed her thighs and let me tell you this is one of the sweetest doctors..I can't even picture her doing it..mumbled about incompetent staff, refused to do a psych eval (thank you duh!),and said, do you know how many people I know from that agency? We happen to know she's on the board of directors...I felt better knowing someone understood my position..she's calling them! Yikes..gives me anxiety as I hate problems but there it is..Hope this chick never retires but alas I know it's only a matter of time. God help us.

Not now anxiety

There have been various times in my life where I've suffered bouts of anxiety attacks...well this whole thing with "D" appears to have triggered them something fierce..(the meeting didn't go well, in fact it went as bad as it could go)...I felt ready to jump out of my skin all weekend with a twitch in my face and a tremor throughout my body...lovely! Anyhow, one of my siblings who also sufferes from anxiety tried to teach me some breathing excercises and the acupuncturis yesterday tried to calm me down and finally today I treated myself to a massage (they're $28 for an hour at this new place..woo hoo)which did the trick at least for a while..I just have to get my wits back together. It doesn't help that Kay has not been at work and she is usually my anchor...she does nothing but be there but just knowing that there is someone you can fully trust in the building works wonders. It doesn't look like she'll be back tomorrow either. I know I've mentioned before that I've gone through some shit with "D" and I don't really elaborate because really it's just painful shit that only someone who has tried to use 'the system" would really understand..and I guess I have some form of PTSD or some residue of trauma from the past that this recent shit is kicking up...I just can't keep fighting the system for this kid..I want to say UNCLE but I have to keep fighting and I explained to my sibling this weekend I just can't do this alone anymore and I need them to go to the meetings with me even if they don't understand what the fuck they are talking about I'm just not the war horse I used to be..I'm fucked up emotionally to a certain extent after all the shit that's gone down these past 10 years....one of my sibs actually said, Gem, I think this is why you can't get pregnant..you have too much stress in your life..Really? Wow..psychic and a genius..Anyhow enough with the sarcasm..the fact that they acknowledged I was trying was impressive. I am so trying to make this my month...I started the acupuncture, am doing a new regimen of meds and am trying to stay stress free/positive/hopeful and here comes anxiety...something I haven't seen in quite a while..rearing its ugly head shaking my world. Kay even mentioned tonight when I spoke to her how it's been a while since I've had this anxiety shit..she's right it has but it's been sitting there in the wings and once I experienced that shit..it never really went away..never left me alone and I've felt shaky every since..I think I mentioned going to a shrink once who diagnosed me with PTSD..well whatever the fuck it is..it's an ass kicker. Gonna try to beat it and treat myself to relaxation whatevers whenever I can...just have to be zen..oh if it were only so easy. Time will tell. This week I stop the BC pills on Wednesday and go see the doctor on Friday...gonna buy a six pack of beer tomorrow and have myself one just to try and chill a bit...we'll see.

Wassssup??

Tomorrow I go to "D"s meeting. I'm trying to remind myself to stay calm, not be defensive and not to let the ghetto in me rear it's ugly head and just speak what's on my mind...only because it wouldn't be fair to "D". I'm nervous about the meeting as in my experience, and I've done about a million "D" meetings in my life, it's always "D"s fault..even when it isn't..it's always that there's something wrong with "D" and it raises my hackles. The stakes are different this time as it's not like when I would deal with the school...school is a God given right in this country..day programs are a privelege. So I gotta shut my pie hole. Not an easy task.

On the baby making front, I went to see Dr. B on Monday as I'd gotten my period on Saturday night which was perfect...I was so fearful that it would come on Friday though my cycle really runs more like 29-30 days than the usual 28..so Saturday made it better as Dr. B had told me last time that she wanted to count my spotting day as day 1 rather than counting the first full period day as number 1. She started me on the pill that day saying that she wanted my eggs to all catch up in maturity as though I always gave a good number of eggs..good numbers weren't shit if they weren't any good...of course she said it much more eloquently and didn't curse but that was about what she related. I'm on the pill for a week and a half (until next Wednesday April 4th) and then go in to see her Friday the 6th. Good Friday..interesting.

Anyhow that's it for now...praying praying praying and just trying to be a good person and make something of this life..

Me

I feel like I'm being completely selfish and maybe it's not just a feeling but the truth and I guess I'll have to live with it. So the whole thing with "D" kind of blew up because the chick at the program was freaked out going out with "D" who mentioned hearing voices....come on man! really? That shit freaks you out and you're working where you're working? Shit. So she said we need to have a meeting to eval whether D can continue in the program and blah blah blah. So the case worker from the other program who really doesn't do shit for him called me today..this mind you after what seemed like a million phone calls and email earlier this week...so she calls me today and says she wants me to take D to the shrink. Girl, he went to the shrink 2 weeks ago..it's called a baseline..D will never or has never been symptom free..I said to her..D has been hearing voices since they were 7 or 8 years old...an extra trip to the shrink is not going to make them go away...this is as good as it gets..."we need a meeting" and here we go... So I'm trying to get a hold of my older sib just to let them know hey this shit is going on and I'm stressed...I'm texting and sib keeps telling me to call but of course doesn't answer the phone but whatever. So I get a text from Sib about a doctors appointment D has next week and is Monday or Tuesday better for me? I was pissed..surprise surprise. I called and sib finally picks up..Neither Monday or Tuesday are good for me. How bout calling the other sibling who gets out of work at 4 and wouldn't have to take time off from work to take D. I said if worse comes to worse mom can take D in a cab and I'll meet them though I'd rather not. I don't want to do it. I am frankly sick of being the one who because they live in the area, is stuck with everything that can't be done during the weekend and let me tell you it's not that I do a ton of shit because I've drawn the line crystal clear in the sand in order to protect myself and also, if truth be told, because any time I've needed help I'm on my own. Nobody wants to hear about how I'm trying for a baby and next week is hustle week going to the clinic and starting injections again and I don't want to be stressed or exhausted or any of that shit..so next week is not good for me..figure something else out. I'm just pissed and I'm pissed that my sib is pissed that I won't. They commented last week that I'm not known as the nice sister...yeah well that came with time. Here is what fucked me up: It started about 10 years ago when my younger sib ended up in the hospital..mental mind you which came as a complete shock and was devastating for me not to mention for them as well....I call my older sib and am completely wigged out as younger sib sounded like shit..I tell older, Please get a car service and get over here as little sib is really fucked up...Older sib says, Gem, I'm sketching at Vera Wang and I can't do that right now...a week in the psych ward and never visited younger sib, nothing..Fast forward a few years..I get cancer and have to be in oncology for 10 days.."do you mind if I don't visit as it's hard for me to get there"..later that year crisis with "d"..nobody will answer their phone and are ignoring my messages pleading with them that I need help with this, that I can't find a shrink for D, that the situation is very bad..I'm talking for days everyone is scared to answer their phone leaving me holding the fucking bag. I have resentments..I admit it and am well aware. I used to have a close relationship with my older sib until the Vera Wang fucking comment..really, who do you think you are? How do you leave your younger sib with no family visit as if it doesn't matter and you are the sibling closest to the younger one..come on. And upon seeing my younger sib who'd after she'd been released from psych and come home for the weekend, asks me,.."how did you not break down when you saw (them)"..you don't visit for the week they're hospitalized and you're acting all emotional? Please! My reply is that it's not about me...they need me strong you dumb ass but of course I left off the dumb ass part. The best part is my other sibs are now thick as thieves and I'm the outsider but never once have they ever needed me whether they were in a hospital, in a financial jam (and believe me they've been in beig ones) or in some other type of crisis that I wasn't available and I'm sick of it. I told my older sib when they made the comment that I'm not the nice sister..I may not be the nice sister but I'm the only reliable one..never have I ignored a call for help from these people..who would do that? Anyhow, another vent session just to get the guilt out. I'm not even sure why I feel guilty as the truth is I do my share or I've done my share for too many years..I take care of all the shit with D's program, was the one who found the shrink after a million attempts, got D through the tortures of the school system and unless you know someone with a sever disability and have had to navigate them getting educated, you have no idea what this country is really like..still stuck in medieval times. Tomorrow I have an inservice in the a.m. and end my day with a meeting with the boss..can it get any better for a Friday. There's also some other shit going down at the workplace but another time.

"D"

So Friday "D" called me and sounded super upset on the phone and when asked explained that one of the workers at the day program who is a job coach and trying to find work for "D" told "D" not to waste her time if "D" really wasn't interested....so of course "D" obsessed over it all weekend and I must have heard at least a dozen time..Gem, can you call her, you gonna call her..Monday you gonna call? So today I coincidentally get a call from "D"'s case manager and I bring up the topic with her "off the record" and she thankfully agrees that this worker seems to not only be going too fast but is a 'bad match' for "D" and said she'd call. Thank you God! but I went ahead and emailed the chick any ol' way as I had promised "D" I'd have contact and I try never to break my promises to "D". It took every ounce of my being not to tell her off but I didn't..I kindly asked her to try and collaborate with me to ensure "D" has a positive experience while trying to gain employment. I wanted to rip her a new one though...over-reaction? Perhaps.. but this is just one of many assholes "D" has had to put up with and "D" loves day program...it's the first time in their life they aren't tortured by peers and I just need this chick to get it together. I know some would say call the director but this would only inevitably lead down to some type of ostrasization of "D"...and hey,I get it..I have coworkers and clients too and coworkers, in normal work places anyway, stick together and clients come and go so instead I shut my mouth and politely ask for collaboration to work together to keep this a positive experience..BITCH! ..no I omitted the bitch but I wanted to. Chick is pregnant (of course) any way so she'll be out of there soon with her know-it-all 25 year old self. 'Wasting her time'..who really says this to a disabled person who drools, rocks, hears voices, has a severe speech impediment, can't tie their shoes or zipper themselves... really chick..I'll give you whatever $10 bucks you feel "D"'s wasted in your life..for crying out loud...don't mess with my "D"! Ugh!! Anyhow, felt the need to vent this out. I have no babies but I got my "D" which is pretty close and I've heard people say they are like a lion defending their cub when it comes to parenting but for me it's beyond that..I am a dragon when it comes to that kid..Or as one of my siblings once said to me when she saw me in action when the school was messing with "D"...they said Oh my God Gem, you're an animal! Yeah, well.. pick on someone your own size. Pissed me off this weekend and made me more angry today having the case worker agree that she'd seen the same dysfunction. Ugh.

Single?

Today like I said earlier, I had to take Tess to the groomer. While she was being groomed I went to get a massage I mentioned I'd been scheduled for ..which was awesome until Mattie showed up and fell asleep and began to snore so loudly nobody could relax...I mean it was loud in a place that is very dark and quiet with just little dainty music playing..man snoring stands out and even the masseuse seemed annoyed. Anyhow..the lady next to me was...drum roll please...pregnant..of course!.. but I made a conscious decision not to let it interfere with my peace..my fairy Godmother always reminds me that, "You never let people interrupt your Peace" and so I moved past it...the snoring on the other hand was not ignorable..next time..I go alone. Anyhow I go to get Tess and call ahead as that's the routine only to learn he needs one more hour..ugh..I go get pizza as at this point it's after 1 p.m. and I haven't had breakfast burn my mouth on the frigging thing and of course bump into someone I know that I can't quite recall how I know..How this happens when I went to a hole in the wall pizza place in a seedy part of the county is beyond but there you have it. Did I mention I tend to hang out in seedier areas so as not to be noticed?? No? Well, yup I do. So, because I had more time to kill, I drove on over to the local Pier 1 store...how it stays open with so few customers is beyond but it's been there for what seems like forever ... So I go in and see a guy..cute I think..he smells a candle puts it down I hear a girl say to him..this matches our so and so and realize he's part of a set....he answers 'Oh yeah it does' or some such nonsense and I can't help but think..you really give a shit that it matches? but whatever I move on and as I walk I'm thinking..where did this part of my life go..the part where you meet someone and move in together and pick out shit together and build a home because it just never happened for me..not once and I know some girls who it's happened for what seems like a million times..so I move to the back of the store away from these two..the only two I'd seen in the store..but as I move to the back I see a teenager..she was extremely petite but I saw she was with her mom who stood what seemed like about 4'10'' and figure oh this girl is older than she looks..probably getting ready for college. She is looking at the door hooks and her mom says..this would look cute on the back of your door for your robe and your towel..she answers and I realize I guessed wrong..she's still too young for college..about 15 I would guess..she picks out a pretty pink one and explains something to her mom to which her mom says.."no, I gottcha"..a mom that seemed to be trying to stay hip with her daughter and it made me realize...daughters and sons! they trump men any ol' day of the week! Made me feel much better about being "single"..

Fears, worries and whining..ugh.

I'm getting closer and closer to my period coming and last night I actually had a dream that it had come and it was a Friday, the day I least want my period to show up because the clinic is closed and you have to wait til Monday to be seen. In my dream I got my period as I was getting ready for work and I looked at the clock and thought if I say fuck it to work and leave now maybe they can still see me...but it brought on a feeling of anxiety and I guess it just goes to show how fearful and anxious I am about this cycle. I was reading my insurance bill last night and they sent me another $9,000+ dollar check for the doctor and I can't help but think how fast my cap has gone..I'm not even sure I'm covered for this cycle which is a hard pill to swallow. I just put in $2500 into my car yesterday and also purchased another vial of sperm last week...just one as I know how the money situation is but then again don't want to cheap out on myself and have regrets later but where do you draw the line financially? I don't want to get myself in a situation from which I can never recover. It's all just overwhelming and scary. Did I mention that I made an appointment with the acupuncturist? I did..initial fee is $175 and though I could file it as an out of network..my deductible this year went up to $1,000...this to me sounds all like I'm playing with monopoly money. I've never been a person who spent freely and didn't budget carefully..thank God as it's saved my ass a million times..not to mention it's also saved other family member's asses..to be in a hole like this is just unbelievably scary but to not have a child is scarier so...
Aside from all the financial fears is the inevitable fear that it just might not happen. It's just a pit in my stomach thinking this just might not happen and then what do you do? A million dollars in bills, no baby and stuck in a fucked up job...too much to think about as I want to try and keep things as positive as I can...how am I doing? Awful I know..gotta keep praying. I wish there was a sign that it was all going to be alright..childish but it's how I feel.
So today I am off to take Tess to the groomers and am meeting Mattie (at her insistence) at the foot massage place...I don't want to go but I keep putting her off and I think it's upsetting to her so...It'll help me relax and it's only $28 so...but after that...watching the pennies again..Ugh.

Mood swings

The day went easier than I thought...much better than last week's day in East Jabib that's for sure. Interviewed a slew of people which really is unnecessary..we should just ask for a resume and to have them sit for 3 minutes as that's how long it takes to make up your mind...then again my boss always has ulterior motives for hiring people so ..
Anyhow, was feeling good about myself today, somewhat productive though I'll admit am concerned about my lack of energy..will try and go to the doctor for blood work as I'm sure it's all fucked up..as usual. I tell you this whole cancer shit really fucked up my body and I can't help but think it's impacting the fertility thing but who knows...what I do know is that I'm having trouble absorbing different vitamins and it's been going on for too long and I'm too tired and though I've been taking the sublingual b-12 I know I have to bite the bullet and just go in to get my shots..sucks. Anyhow I was feeling okay like I said and log onto facebook. My real reason for going online tonight was to do some research on accupuncture and it's benefits with trying to conceive but I am a get distracted type of person and of course digressed into a different area. I log on and it seems like everyone is pregnant or had a baby or some such thing...3 at one time..2 pregnancies and one baby and I am by no means one of those people with a trillion facebook friends..I have my modest 100+ that's it. So it got me down a bit. I just ..well..I think it'd be ridiculous to mention what I was..what's the focus of this blog if not to whine about not having a baby. It's not whining really and I need to cut myself a break. I think most women...want a baby..it's natural to want a baby and a family so I'm just doing what's natural and boy is it painful not to be able to do it. I'm trying again this month...going to try the accupuncture I think..don't have a positive feeling but gotta keep trying. Gotta keep my chin up, keep the faith, and all that other good stuff you're supposed to say or tell yourself or believe or whatever.

Money

Tess was sick today. Sick that she wouldn't eat and this isn't the first time this has happened. Last time I believe the grand total for a weekend of vet bills was about $4K..yes that's $4,000..so today when Tess ignored her food, ignored her favorite..peanut butter and other faves..I began to sweat...no peeing, no pooping, no eating and I thought to myself.. please Tess, please don't get sick right now when I have the car repair guaranteed to be at least $2,400 and I've got medical bills coming and I almost emptied my savings..please Tess. At around 8:30 I gave her a pill that helps with nausea and stimulates her appetite..the last of the pills left over from when she was sick...she ate..thank God. She is now happily chewing on a bully stick and acting normal. The worst part of having a teeny tiny dog is that they're so fragile...I didn't know she'd be teeny tiny when I got her...figured she'd be about 10 pounds...nope...half of that with a super sensitive stomach and an allergy to certian meat..can you imagine!? Ugh...that was another $6k to figure out..I've in total spent approximately $12k just getting this dog healthy and she's not even healthy she's just okay for now...but I love her so..what's a girl to do and she's all I've got for now so..
I took my other baby..my truck ..to the shop tonight and dropped her off..had the "check blah blah blah" light go on last night on top of whatever is wrong with her and the signal also just broke...the poor thing is falling apart but alas I've ridden her hard. She's been my sad car...a car I purchased getting over asshole; a poor attempt to cheer myself up and one I couldn't quite afford at the time...a car that saw me through all my cancer treatments, and going back and forth to graduate school when I should have been laying in bed, and getting lost when my memory was affected and all the trauma with "D" and now this..my long drives to the fertility clinics in the morning at the crack of ass ..the car has seen me through some of the worst parts of my life as an adult and it's taken a licking and kept on ticking..a good rough truck..who by the way my sibling informed me last night I was too "old" to be driving...yeah yeah so says the person who's never purchased their own car in their life and still drives one purchased by their Pappy! please. Anyhow, am hoping they can really fix it and that I don't have to buy another car..I can't buy another car right now..just want to focus on getting pregnant and I need all my pennies for that. Just read somewhere tonight that I can deduct the sperm purchases on my taxes though I think it's only if it equals a certain amount of what you earn per year...I'm going to try and look into it though as every bit counts.
Anyhow, in for a long day tomorrow as there are a slew of interviews we are doing back to back tomorrow...fun fun...and whoever gets the job will probably still be employed while the lot of us hauling ass get lay offs..hope not but time will tell. Truthfully, there's a part of me that doesn't even care about that..just give me my baby..I'll work at Mickey Dees and make it work just give me my baby..

Walking, praying, and talking to myself

Just came back from a walk with Tess...just around the complex. Said my prayers on my way around..just felt like crying and I started a conversation with the Big Guy in order to avoid waterworks and decided to make it official and say all my prayers. Was a little worried that someone would see me talking to myself but my need to beg overrode any fear that the neighbors would think I had lost it. I've taken to just pleading with God for help with this...it's a desperation I've felt at other moments of my life..uncomfortable, and humbling and I just need this pain to end; I need for this to happen for me. I fear that perhaps I want it too desperately to happen..that I'll drive myself to an emotionally distraught state that will contribute to my difficulty in conceiving and I tellyou, my job ain't helping. Really..how can you go to a million meetings in a week, make a million lists of shit for different people, have piles and piles of mail to read, and actually get your work done...how does this happen? I don't know. I can't even get to the mail part of it...it's too much..just too much work and I see the other supervisor..the one from "the incident" chilling all day doing nothing..literally doing nothing..but really, who gives a fuck..I'm just trying to do me and focus on what I have to do and not lose it. It's easier for me when Mattie is there. I don't know if it's because she's older or because she's black and 'street' that people tend not to mess with me when she's in the office. This isn't in my head as I mentioned it to Kay who said she'd noticed this to be true too, that people don't mess with me when she's there...actually tend to not come into my office..love it!!.. She's not menacing in any way you just know she won't take your shit..don't know how I know this you just do. She is very helpful to me emotionally and I feel protected with her there with me..an odd feeling really that she does this...the poor woman is getting paid literally minimum wage and alternates between a 20 hour week and a 4 hour week..4 hour weeks are hard..this is a 4 hour week. I'm lucky to have her. She reminds me so much of my fairy godmother..though my fairy godmother was never a crack addict..actually was the complete opposite having spent a significant portion of her life in the convent. Anyhow, she came when I needed an Angel and a protector and I felt that right off. Funny how things happen. When she first met me (as a client and no, I don't remember) she said I was a total witch..surprise! and then when she interviewed and saw it was me she said she thought in her head "great, I'm screwed" but that's not how it happened. She didn't realize I was only cold as we interviewed with my boss with whom I'm always cold and standoffish...as soon as she moved into my office..I set her up and she said it was like meeting a different person. Ha ha!! I was protective of her from the jump as my staff thought she was going to be their little slave until I explained she is only there to help me..not them..Mattie was grateful as have I mentioned I work with bitches..and she got this the first day in...actually had a confrontation with one and said "I'll fix her"..I said how? she said, "I'm going to pray for her"..deep huh? Now nobody gives her work but me or she can request work from a few people if she chooses..that's how it goes.. Truth is she really sucks as a helper. She does stamp in my mail and alphabetize it though I use the term alphabetize loosely...oh well...don't really care. She also has tasks that she refuses to do for me as she simply hates them...don't care. I often think that she's a little blessing sent to help me as she came, like I said, when I needed someone and also helps me with navigating the 12 step process..she has over 20 years clean and sober...though I'll admit I get annoyed with her when she acts greedy or too ghetto, hate the smell of her lotion and I mean hate! and I end up squished in my office having to share with her..I'm the only one who shares but this was my choice... and in truth I have a pretty big office so I'm not really that squished it's just I have a lot of shit so having her in there is sometimes too full. But I couldn't leave her out there exposed to the wolves..not that she can't take care of herself but it would be different fighting styles and these bitches are clever... So there you have it..my story on Mattie.
I've been so teary this week it's been hard to be at work and I have had a million and one things to try and get done. I guess I should be grateful for the distractions. It's just that work is so unpleasant. One of the girls approached me today on an innocent comment I made yesterday just asked me what my motivation was in sharing with her...duh ass, just to share..when I explained that perhaps I overshared she said that I never share and am always guarded..you think? Hmmm..made one remark and I'm getting cross-examined..can't imagine what it'd be like if I spoke freely. Anyhow, this is just a rant and babble..I know it's not interesting but it's what's floating in my head..Shit, just remember I forgot to buy sperm today..fuck. This is how my mind is lately just air headed..My car goes in the shop Monday and though I've only been without it one day..I miss it terribly. There's nothing like your own car that you know like the back of your hand and mine is an oldie but a goody..people ask me if I don't plan to buy a new one and the only way that'll happen is if a baby is coming then for safety reason it might be a good idea and if you saw my car you'd know what I mean..an old truck and it ain't smooth..love it. Am driving my families old car which drives opposite of mine, like you're floating..but doesn't have working wipers, working radio, and can turn off unexpectedly and sometimes not turn back on so..want my car back..
Okay, enough babbling..
Oh, I have a little crush..not sure I mentioned..saw him yesterday and we spoke briefly..cute..wish I was back to my good weight and then I'd go for it but right now feeling gross..but it's nice to feel like a woman sometimes and lately with the whole body, weight, no baby, et cetera phenomenon..so don't feel like a woman.