Me

I feel like I'm being completely selfish and maybe it's not just a feeling but the truth and I guess I'll have to live with it. So the whole thing with "D" kind of blew up because the chick at the program was freaked out going out with "D" who mentioned hearing voices....come on man! really? That shit freaks you out and you're working where you're working? Shit. So she said we need to have a meeting to eval whether D can continue in the program and blah blah blah. So the case worker from the other program who really doesn't do shit for him called me today..this mind you after what seemed like a million phone calls and email earlier this week...so she calls me today and says she wants me to take D to the shrink. Girl, he went to the shrink 2 weeks ago..it's called a baseline..D will never or has never been symptom free..I said to her..D has been hearing voices since they were 7 or 8 years old...an extra trip to the shrink is not going to make them go away...this is as good as it gets..."we need a meeting" and here we go... So I'm trying to get a hold of my older sib just to let them know hey this shit is going on and I'm stressed...I'm texting and sib keeps telling me to call but of course doesn't answer the phone but whatever. So I get a text from Sib about a doctors appointment D has next week and is Monday or Tuesday better for me? I was pissed..surprise surprise. I called and sib finally picks up..Neither Monday or Tuesday are good for me. How bout calling the other sibling who gets out of work at 4 and wouldn't have to take time off from work to take D. I said if worse comes to worse mom can take D in a cab and I'll meet them though I'd rather not. I don't want to do it. I am frankly sick of being the one who because they live in the area, is stuck with everything that can't be done during the weekend and let me tell you it's not that I do a ton of shit because I've drawn the line crystal clear in the sand in order to protect myself and also, if truth be told, because any time I've needed help I'm on my own. Nobody wants to hear about how I'm trying for a baby and next week is hustle week going to the clinic and starting injections again and I don't want to be stressed or exhausted or any of that shit..so next week is not good for me..figure something else out. I'm just pissed and I'm pissed that my sib is pissed that I won't. They commented last week that I'm not known as the nice sister...yeah well that came with time. Here is what fucked me up: It started about 10 years ago when my younger sib ended up in the hospital..mental mind you which came as a complete shock and was devastating for me not to mention for them as well....I call my older sib and am completely wigged out as younger sib sounded like shit..I tell older, Please get a car service and get over here as little sib is really fucked up...Older sib says, Gem, I'm sketching at Vera Wang and I can't do that right now...a week in the psych ward and never visited younger sib, nothing..Fast forward a few years..I get cancer and have to be in oncology for 10 days.."do you mind if I don't visit as it's hard for me to get there"..later that year crisis with "d"..nobody will answer their phone and are ignoring my messages pleading with them that I need help with this, that I can't find a shrink for D, that the situation is very bad..I'm talking for days everyone is scared to answer their phone leaving me holding the fucking bag. I have resentments..I admit it and am well aware. I used to have a close relationship with my older sib until the Vera Wang fucking comment..really, who do you think you are? How do you leave your younger sib with no family visit as if it doesn't matter and you are the sibling closest to the younger one..come on. And upon seeing my younger sib who'd after she'd been released from psych and come home for the weekend, asks me,.."how did you not break down when you saw (them)"..you don't visit for the week they're hospitalized and you're acting all emotional? Please! My reply is that it's not about me...they need me strong you dumb ass but of course I left off the dumb ass part. The best part is my other sibs are now thick as thieves and I'm the outsider but never once have they ever needed me whether they were in a hospital, in a financial jam (and believe me they've been in beig ones) or in some other type of crisis that I wasn't available and I'm sick of it. I told my older sib when they made the comment that I'm not the nice sister..I may not be the nice sister but I'm the only reliable one..never have I ignored a call for help from these people..who would do that? Anyhow, another vent session just to get the guilt out. I'm not even sure why I feel guilty as the truth is I do my share or I've done my share for too many years..I take care of all the shit with D's program, was the one who found the shrink after a million attempts, got D through the tortures of the school system and unless you know someone with a sever disability and have had to navigate them getting educated, you have no idea what this country is really like..still stuck in medieval times. Tomorrow I have an inservice in the a.m. and end my day with a meeting with the boss..can it get any better for a Friday. There's also some other shit going down at the workplace but another time.