Meds

Just came from my mother's house and I had completely forgotten that a new shipment of meds had come in. I opened her refrigerator to find the entire bottom shelf full of boxes, needles and the like. Interestingly enough she mentions not a word about them other than the one call I received earlier this week to tell me I had some packages that had arrived and that she'd refrigerated them. Weird or what but that's my family..don't discuss it and it doesn't exist. I had them sent to her house as someone needed to sign due to the fact that the meds totalled over $10K this month...meds that I hope are covered by my insurance for a procedure that I'm not sure is still covered by my insurance. I have one of those plans that gives you a cap as to how much you can spend rather than tell you what fertility procedures you are allowed to have done. For me the cap is $50K and I can't imagine that I haven't reached that yet though I'm unsure if that includes fertility meds. Nonetheless, if it doesn't..I have to give myself this opportunity. I want at least 2 more after this if this next one doesn't work..the thought of that makes me physically sick..I literally got a stomach ache just writing that thought down. The meds are a little different this time. I'm still on the follistim but instead of the Luveris and the Ganirelix..I'm taking something called menopur. It's supposed to help your eggs mature and help deliver a better quality embryo which I pray to sweet Jesus it does. I have a hole in my heart and I don't know how much more of this I can take. It's tearing me apart...the thought that I might live this life and never have children is just unbearable though I know it's entirely possible. I'm not sure if I mentioned the chick at work who can't have kids that's about my age. She was married about 2 to 3 years ago and was trying to have kids and couldn't..went for fertility treatment and still couldn't..she actually took my spot in the foster care training as I was supposed to sign up for that and didn't..long story which I believed I touched upon briefly in an entry some time ago...anyhow, foster parenting has also been a heartbreaking experience..they gave her a baby..took it away, returned it to her and are waiting to have it taken away again. I found out a little more this week about her infertility status. Apparently it's something genetic that her and her sister have and the chick who told me said it had something to do with her tubes...sounded a little weird to me as I'm pretty sure they can circumvent the tube thing with IVF....she apparently tried IUI3-4 times and one round of IVF which I found odd she didn't try more but again I don't have the details. This chick and I aren't friends..she's a mean girl who has softened up to me only due to the fact that a)I gave her my foster care spot saving her from waiting another 6 months to sign up and b)because I speak another language which she needs help with more than just occasionally so... whatever the case, I think she is one of those people who would be a great mother and is deprived of the fact..now a crackhead..they get a baby every time. Life isn't supposed to be fair and I know this ..I know this all too well and it doesn't just apply to me..it applies to too many..to everyone I would guess. So I go again at the end of this month and tonight putting away box after box of a car's value of medication I couldn't help but cry at both the frustration of the whole ordeal and the relief that I have the opportunity again..truly a bitter sweet experience that though I don't want to go through again am thankful that I get to try again. Thank you God.