I wrote today but it was really just a rant and I find myself here at a little past 11 just feeling wired, anxious, and scared after more looking up pregnancy crap, obsessing about work and just plain driving myself crazy. I was looking up the med menopur that my doctor is switching me to from Luveris and ganirelix...just seeing what the big difference was and it appears that very little is different other than one is synthetic and menopur is natural and according to what I've read, some people respond better to one than the other. I just have to have hope but I'm find that it's one of the hardest things to have when you've tried and tried and haven't been successful. I find myself just doing the counts and I can't help but realize that it's been about 10 months since I started the process with the RE...had it worked the first time my due date would've been mid-April and I remember thinking what a coincidence this was as it would fall right next to my mother's and my birthday. Alas it wasn't to be..not the 2 IUI's after that or the 2 IVF's after that. I'm 41 next month and the clock is tick tick ticking away..It seems I can hear it with every inhalation and exhalation of my breath..tick fucking tock..time just slipping from me. I used to see a therapist who referred to my life at one point as "the unlived life"..I realize now that statement was not true and I had a different type of life than perhaps she had experienced where things move slower but I should have hustled things up. It seems though when I take a retrospective of my life, that there was always some crisis or some tragedy or some hurdle to get over in my life..with myself or my family or even with just my emotions. Not so much an unlived life but more of a lonely life..a life where there was struggle..normal struggles and sometimes not so normal but it's what I lived and there it is. I didn't come into my own where I could juggle shit until I came to earn a little money.. money makes everything easier, makes things possible especially if you have to do everything alone..not whining just saying and I'm grateful. I'm hoping that I can just get this one thing done..make my life feel like it was worth some of the struggle as otherwise..who cares really? I don't know. Anyhow, tomorrow I have to drive to E. Jabib and it turns out my coworker is going on her own so I'm taking my car on my own and hoping for the best in terms of the transmission..sure it'll be fine but gotta wake up at the crack to get there. Just feeling down tonight, stressed and somewhat overwhelmed by things. You know you hear about people wanting to run away from their lives and sometimes I wish I could just drive and drive and drive and end up nowhere..just away from myself and my thoughts and my crazy mind and this crazy life that's just too much for me..with this crazy job that pays great but is going to shorten my life...gotta hang in..have that hope that everyone talks about and just try to straighten shit out so either I can stay and live with it or go and breathe.
P.S. As I was signing off I heard about someone else (celebrity) who is pregnant..I never thought something could really just stab me in the heart when it had nothing to do with me but really, I can't hear about anybody else having a baby...really it's tearing at me..just killing me and I really just wish people would shut up with the whole pregnancy thing...Shut the fuck up people some of us have nothing!!! just shut the fuck up already. Shit.
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