Just Shut Up Already

My work involves a ton of talking with a ton of different people who are usually in crisis of some sort. We end up meeting about 15 people a day if not more, hearing the most intimate details of their lives, and that's not including people we speak to on the phone. There is a saturation point, at least for me and times where yes, I ignore my phone calls, texts, and emails; really it feels as if I don't want to hear or talk to one more person not about my shit or theirs...I wanna just tell people to leave me the fuck alone. Today is one of those days. Aside from feeling this way, I've mentioned before I have an illness that I don't talk about which is flaring up this week and just killing me so I'm especially grouchy. In comes my mother with dementia and my sib who is M.R. .....ugh! It's very frustrating my plan was to take the to go see my father. But of course my mother has to call saying she wants to tagalong which is just annoying as hell because it's time for us to spend with our father not for her to spend with her ex-husband but if you tell her this she'll flip the hell out.

On top of all this the handyman continues to call me regarding repairs he's working on, the other handyman isn't calling me because he's pissed I don't approve of his ridiculous ideas for repairs (dude! It's fa fucking rental...I'm not putting in top quality shit so the dirty chick who lives there can fuck it up) and I'm just exhausted...near tears exhausted...and my siblings are nowhere to be found!

Fuck I could cry...I could cry cause sometimes its just too hard...feels just too hard.

The one positive note was that after receiving a long lists of shit I needed to get done from the fertility clinic, it turns out I don't have to hunt for a GYN to do them and my regular GP was able to get them all done today...the highlight of my day...the one easy thing I got this week.

So that's that people, a bitch session and I feel a little better. Thanks

Someday(s) are harder than others...

It's been a while and in truth I wasn't sure I'd come back but alas here I am with my heart full of emotions just spilling out of me. Right now really I'm just feeling tired; tired and depressed if truth be told. They say the fastest way to clear out a room is to put someone who's depressed in it. Alas, I really don't have to worry about that as few people come here but me and the crazies that lie within me.

Anyhow, where to begin. Really so many things have happened and by the same token nothing. There was an investigation at D's program after D reported that my mom hit them...it was not good. The police were called and I thought I was going to have a stroke. The police refused to investigate... This was so troubling for me on so many levels. First off I felt like I was torn between two lovers; I thought at this point my mother should know better but was caught up in feeling bad for her as she was freaked. The program suggested I press charges...Oh okay...right. D wasn't hurt except for the emotional aspect of it all and I pointed out to the program that this is about the 5th year that goes by without a residential placement for D that I've been requesting as my mother isn't able to properly care for D...hello people. Anyway, long story short, exhausting, almost had a heart attack complete with taking an anti anxiety pill for my heart palpitations and of course nothing came of it and in truth...THANK GOD!!! Nothing like an arrest for a mother who is not only a snob but also suffering from dementia....I would say more about it and try and take side but the truth is...for what? I'm clinging, clinging, to my sanity and reason so I can't take on any more.

My father is in the hospital again....not good. We've also been having problems with both my mother and father's business so I spent most of this morning with my mother in court. Now, if I was ever suicidal I'd spend the whole day with her and I'd surely die of frustration...she is beyond difficult. My plan had been to go to court and go to work afterwards but I found myself unraveling as I drove my mother home so instead I called out, bought myself something to eat, and came home. I then went to the hospital for a little while and then picked up my sib from the bus stop.

I decided to write, or more accurately, what propelled me to write, was my obsession with P face and Asshole which hasn't surfaced in a while but tonight while doing a google search I found out they had a little girl. You want to kill me Universe?! It just wrenched a hole in my heart. I guess a part of me feels that is the life I wish I was living and he's the one that got away and it's my fault because I didn't have the courage or so it seems to make it happen. That's the crazy me talking. The realistic me realizes that it would have never worked as I would have had to be the man and take the reins and that's just not my style and furthermore the dude was immature and in the end we would have been two fatties eating our way through life. His wife seems much more motivated to do shit, make shit happen, and take the bull by the horns...she's also much younger than myself...good for you Asshole (ha...)..! Oh well. That's the healthy me...not really that healthy but better than nothing. The bottom line is I realize perhaps a little late in the game that I want love, I want a man in my life....maybe not a husband but something like it....a support where I have his back and he's got mine and we're a fucking team who kicks ass together and gets through shit together and maybe it's all just a fairy tale we're sold and the actual relationship might be harder than I imagine but I want to have love in my life and that's that.

Speaking of healthy vs. unhealthy me, last week I went to go see the shrink lady and we had a serious talk about why I thought I was nuts. She said to me (again as I seem to be hard to convince), Gem, you are not crazy. Your family is crazy, the shit you  go through is ridiculously difficult and overwhelming and anybody would feel crazy having to take care of all of that. I felt better leaving. Still not 100% convince but I don't think I ever will be. You know, when the whole hitting thing happened with D it kind of shocked me but it didn't. I was hit growing up and really most of my friends were. Truth be told I'm not against corporal punishment but there is a time and a place and I don't believe in hitting when you are out of control. A spanking yes, absolutely, hot wild going crazy no wire hangers shit...no. I've had the no wire hangers shit many times...all of my siblings except for D have...shit happens and believe me that didn't stay with me as much as some of the emotional shit that haunts me til this day. It's funny that my mother was the big hitter though it's my father who caused the most emotional scars and he prided himself on never hitting the kids....my father really did a trip on me and it'll never be resolved. I told this to the shrink lady how this will never be resolved between us; not because he can no longer carry a conversation but because we never had a relationship where we could talk...neither one of my parents did with any of us though I'm sure that's the case for a lot of people. Kay at work talk to her mom every day...and used to speak to her dad every day too until his dementia got too bad. They have what she calls an awesome relationship and I hope, if I ever have children, to have even half the relationship she has with her mother. The shrink lady and I spoke about this...about how I worried that I might not as I have no personal frame of reference of a tight relationship with a parent. I don't know if she was blowing smoke up my ass but she said the fact that it was a goal and something I was striving for would set me on the right path....made me feel better.

Anyhow, there is apparently no rest for the weary as I'm on call and just got a call from the local police...
Will try to document more often...if for no other reason than it's a rare day that I blog and don't feel better after. It really is more of a personal journal than a blog but oh well.....

Scars

Maybe it's a moment of clarity when the crazy goes away and you can see through all the clouds and smog that have been choking you for too long. I caught just a glimpse in my memory of who I was and how I was when this whole thing started; when the baby making started. I had walked into this with no weapons, no armor, and in my naiveté was almost slaughtered, or so it seems emotionally to me. Like with any storm or in any battle there are scars and these past two years are no different; I'm standing here a different woman in too many ways. I have to remind myself not to let myself be taken, taken by the emotional pain. At the end of all of this there has to be something left of me; something  left to either raise a child or pick up the pieces of myself emotionally.......or both.

feeling shitty a/k/a Sunday

I totally lost it today at my mom's ..not screaming kind of lost it but bailed on everyone kind of lost it.   I couldn't take being with them any more and it's like I explained to my older sib when they asked me why I was suddenly pissed, I just felt like I was being held hostage. We had gone out to dinner for my mother's birthday which was fine but long and afterwards my sib says we're going to the supermarket to buy shit for my father. I didn't want to go but it was either go with them or drive the car home and pick them up and then, after spending what seemed like an eternity at the supermarket walking on eggshells because younger sib was grouchy,  we had to stop somewhere else and then go to my dads.... My sibling and my mother ended up staying at my fathers house. This normally would not be a problem however we still have not celebrated my mother's birthday meaning opening gifts and cutting a cake. It was already 7 o'clock. I go to my mothers house and I'm trying to sort through the huge mess of shit that we have left to do and finally I just lost my cool. It felt like I was never going to get out of there. Of course there was more to it than that but the gist..
It's my fault really because I find myself stressed over the amount of times spend with my family but I have choices. And really, if we delve a little deeper I'm harboring resentments against my two sibs to begin with and though I try to just ignore that piece of it all it's not easy. I need to do more to limit my time with them but then I feel like I spend too much time alone as it is....shit.
I hate when shit like this happens; when I feel like I can't take them any more, I act out, feel guilty, beat myself up, feel confused....ugh...it's too much.

On Hold

Just a quick update as I haven't written since my last meltdown. I've done nothing to work towards pregnancy. Haven't called Ms. Autumn to get the donor egg going. I've had too much with my dad, his business and work and am waiting for a bit of a lull where I can catch my breath just a little. Aside from that I guess I'm just waiting for myself to settle down emotionally.
The thing with my siblings has been eating at me more and more. Their disinterest is beyond...just beyond. I have to accept as there is nothing I can do about it and I don't want to harp on it but what is one to do. It's painful. They blatantly rejoice in other's pregnancies but won't even utter a peep of a question as to anything regarding my trying. Hurts.

It is what it is and like I said before I can't do anything about it.

Anyhow, everything else is the same; everything is chaos. I'm just trying to hang on until this all passes. It's stressful as hell and I see my father swinging back and forth getting a bit better and then worse. I wish we could get rid of some of his business as it's just too much really but it's not my decision to make. Onward.

Hypersensitive?

I understand when my siblings don't want to talk to me about my trying to have a baby. At least I try to understand. I don't understand why they have to bring each time another person gets pregnant. I just got an email from one of my fucking asshole siblings announcing someone else's pregnancy??!! Sometimes I think my whole fucking family has to be out of their minds because who would do that to somebody? Even somebody you hate you don't do that to.

Curve Balls

I had my follow up consult with the doctor on Monday. I fully expected for her to either tell me to do donor egg or give up altogether. She told me money being no object I should do at least another 2 rounds of ivf seeing as I'm "such a good responder"....What!!??...She said Gem, there's no rhyme or reason as to who gets pregnant...she can't predict. She said the embryos looked good and my lining was "beautiful".... Heard this phrase before from Dr. B. I told her I'd been expecting to go straight to donor and I was torn and that money is an object as I'm single and not rich though I would wish of course to be a millionaire. Ha ha..joke when nervous. Now this chick is one of the top fertility specialists in the country as well as a top cancer specialist. She was actually recently on the Katie Couric show and this is what she said: "You see all of this? All of this around me (she gestures at all of her awards and there are many).....my job ...everything I worked for? This is nothing compared to my children. Nothing at all. The best thing I've ever done in my life, the greatest thing is my children. You have to keep trying if you really want them. It's something you'll never regret". I tell her how I feel that I will regret it if I don't keep trying. I tell her I think I've made up my mind to go with donor eggs. She says that that's a rational decision and that the statistics are much higher. We talk a bit more and we end the meeting. It lasted all of 10 minutes. As I'm walking to the elevator I realize that now I haven't made up my mind. Now I'm not sure that I want to go with donor eggs. Now what the fuck do I do? I think it would've been easier she just told me to go with the donor, I wouldn't  have so many questions in my mind. Now I'm just confused. If it wasn't that it would cost me so much money to try my own eggs and then donor eggs if that doesn't work out I'd be more willing to just risk it but altogether if I do two more cycles of the IVF and it doesn't work and I decide to go with donor eggs I would end up spending more than $40,000.... money that I don't have. It would mean I would have to take out mega loans, borrow against my pension, against my retirement account,  tap myself out completely financially in terms of savings, and be completely freaked out by it all. I have a significant mortgage as well as a significant amount in student loans, and I also pay a large common charge for my condo complex. If it wasn't for all those factors and I just rented a place I didn't have the student loans perhaps I wouldn't be so worried. By the same token, I know that I make decent money and that my job is relatively secure. What do I do? I don't know. I really don't. J tells me do one more, R doesn't say either way but she's married and I get the impression she's okay financially, Kay doesn't say either way either, Jo-Ann says Gem just do it. I'm torn.

I want to go with donor because I'm tired, tired of all the physical shit ivf puts you through and I believe I mentioned the illness I have that I don't talk about...it makes it worse and it hurts. I know though that there will be a part of me angry that I wasn't resilient enough....tough enough to hang in though the rational part of me says, "it's been 3 IUI's and 4 ivf how much more shit can you take"? On top of this my meds from after cancer were changed and I'm having heart palpitations....not a good time to decide but I'm not getting any younger. Fuck and ugh..

Another one down

R got her results yesterday....negative. Not sure if I mentioned that one of her frozen embryo had died the day of transfer and so they had to take her last one for transfer. She's got none left that means.

Monday I go in to see the doctor for the consult.....they had initially told me it would be a phone conference but they called to say they wanted to see me in person. If I'm repeating myself, my apologies, I'm all over the place really.

I'm as usual scared to see what the doctor is going to say. I guess my fear is that she's going to say I'm  too heavy, or she doesn't want to work with me, or she feels like it's impossible for me to actually get pregnant. J mentioned to me this week also feeling like she is fighting a losing battle and feeling like she wants to give up. She also said she doesn't think she wants to try donor eggs and mentioned going straight to adoption. I can't imagine ever just giving up on myself that easily....Its hard not to judge when you've gone though 2 years of torture....She's only gone through two cycles and her insurance covers six more cycles..... I just feel like that's a cop-out.. but what do I know and who the fuck am I to judge....(going to hell I tell you). Maybe she's on the fence about getting pregnant, or even scared, and I understand that; she is single like me and I can't tell you how hard it is to go through this alone so I really need to just shut up already. There have been so many times where I question if I really want to do this or not. Even though there's a part of me that can't imagine my life without children, there's another part of me that is so fearful of doing this. You think about what if something were to happen to you and the child ends up with no parents? I think about how little family I really have around me and how none of my siblings have children and how in turn, that would affect my child's future. Perhaps I'm overthinking everything but I'm a planner by nature and I never want my child to feel all alone in the world. Do I have control issues or what? I guess I can't plan everything in life and that should've been obvious to me by now.....a hard lessons to learn for me it would seem.

Well onward....We will see what the doctor says on Monday and really just how I feel about whatever she has to say. I have no doubt that I will use, or try to use, donor eggs. No matter the cost I feel I have to at least give myself that one opportunity though it does scare me financially and otherwise.

Relief

Did you ever get to one of those points in your life where you just can't find a way to make yourself feel normal again; like you're crawling out of your skin and you don't know what to do to temper that feeling? I'm in between wanting to smoke, wanting to drink, wanting to drug myself just a little, and wanting to just slip into some sort of peaceful coma...just for a little while..just to rest my brain and my heart for a little bit. None of those things would help me...maybe combining a few of them but that could also kill me and I don't want to die but I do want to rest; just to be able to get rid of this ache in my chest from too much of everything in life. It's really just too much sometimes..too much for one person really. I wonder if it's different if you're going through life with someone else...a partner sharing your grief..I don't know. I imagine it has to be in some ways.

I had a phone call today from my Godmother's neighbor Javier. He and his wife babysat for my Tess one day as they have a tiny dog too. They are also having fertility problems. His wife can get pregnant but she miscarries. She actually got to 6 months along one time and miscarried in her bathroom, the babies little feet dangling from between her legs. Torturous. We have from time to time touched base though the wife is super shy, super sweet but super shy. He's older and I'm guessing has a drinking problem...he has a drinking problem. Anyhow he called me out of the blue to ask me how the fertility shit is going so we talked for a bit. It was good to talk to someone about it who wasn't directly going through it but knew the struggle. I at times wish I could really just freely talk to someone about what it is I feel...not just the process but the actual emotions going through my soul and body. It's not good. It's really not good. My edges seem to be fraying this time around. The clinic told me to call the doctor's assistant to set up a phone consult but I haven't done it yet. I'm building up the...what?..courage? I'm not sure what I'm building up but maybe it's just getting my bearings. Just putting this all together..my brain together.

I'm having trouble at work...getting the work done. My job requires thinking. Lots of fucking thinking. Thinking, planning, strategizing. None of these things are really my forte...I'm more of a talking kind of person...more social service type shit. Anyhow, I'm struggling. Struggling not to just say to people, leave me the fuck alone! My brain is shit! But of course I can't say that. I have to go through the shit..the meetings, the bullshit, the staff crap, and of course my asshole director who is the type of person who asks you a question but already has the answer she wants...you know...the type of person who thinks her brain cells are the best...good..fuck it..fuck you lady...don't ask me and make me think just to tell me that's not the answer..answer your own fucking question...just tell me where I'm going and what to say.

I'm drowning really. My father is really to shit. Really to shit. I saw him last night and I could have cried with how fucked up he is. Just a shell of what he once was.

On top of that I finally looked at all my credit card statements, savings and all that shit and it's not good. I have about 10K in credit cards, and not as much as I thought in savings. I get my tax money back and I'm hoping that's at least 4k and that's it. It's exasperating to think about paying the $20+K for the donor egg thing though at least with this idea, the donor egg idea, I've made peace. I've done all I can, all within my power to do my own eggs...it's just not happening. So for now I'm on a strict no spend budget and we'll see what happens. I figure I'm going to borrow the $10k from my pension plan (which they make you pay back in 5 years), 5K from savings, and I'll either borrow the rest from my other retirement account (I set this up separately) or put it on my credit card. That's that. I'll be fucked for 5 years as that's how long I have to go to pay back my master's degree as well and then it'll be a little relief.

I hadn't written because in truth I didn't want to speak. I think I stayed silent for two solid days...what's to say really except that it felt like it feels for everybody else; like my heart was literally breaking apart in two; a feeling I expected and was preparing myself for. It hurt any ol' way. How do you prepare yourself for agony? I don't know. I did my best and lived to tell the tale so I guess that's success. J from the 3 girls I met at the clinic was super cool about it and supportive, R tried to be but she's younger. She had her transfer yesterday. I believe I mentioned she produced 2 good blasts that she planned on transferrring individually as she wanted to avoid twins. One of them unfortunately didn't survive the thaw and they had to ask her if it was okay to defrost the other...so it's inside and she's waiting to see what happens. I hope it takes for her sake. The pain is too much really...too much for even the biggest asshole in the world to deserve and she really is a nice girl.

Anyhow, that's it for me. Had to put this all out there so it didn't swallow me whole...so I could breathe just a little. Thank you.

1 positive....but none for you

We finally got a positive from one of the girls in the group....the oldest one of us...wouldn't you know....On her first try. She produced one egg in total...count them....one. They say you just need one good one. The email hit me like a ton of bricks...literally made me gasp. I did what I promised I wouldn't..ran to the bathroom to test.....Negative....big fat bupkis for me. I'm okay...A little bit of pain in my stomach...like the kind you get when you find out the boy you love is marrying somebody else but not as intense...the same though...hits you in the same spot.

I don't want to cry at this clinic tomorrow. It's not the homey caring place like my old clinic where everyone is rooting for you. This is very upper east side...designer handbag...nobody knows your name kind of place. Can't lose it there. I feel like tears are right there but really I've done all this shit before; this mass of emotions. What's the point really?

Right before all this at about 10:30pm my dads aide called...he won't settle down. I talk to him and he's all kinds of confused...."come get me" I hear him yell. I talk to him...calm him for a sec...it doesn't last but a few seconds.

Sometimes I wonder what this life is all about.