The Freak Out

I was talking to Kay today about missing the opportunity to go out for drinks before it's too late and it occurred to me that if this happens for me this coming week it'll be quite a while before I can enjoy a drink or even go out with friends for that matter. Why this thought crept into my head today, I'm not sure. I didn't think of this with the last round of IVF but all of a sudden I'm a little freaked. A little freaked that this whole venture may be too much. It's not that I'm having second thoughts so much as I'm wigging a little...I guess it's comparable to what someone might feel the day before they're getting married. Yesterday, I went to Weight watchers with Diana and she cried as she talked about her life, feeling suicidal and never realizing how hard it is to be single. She said she never knew what her younger brother was going through or how I dealt with the loneliness of singlehood.. I explained that for us singles, it wasn't as hard..you get used to it gradually and it's not like something was taken from us or we were made to stand alone after having some other party as a support...we've had only us and so in that respect, we are stronger..grew stronger with time. For her, and others finding themselves suddenly single, particularly if you were married early, it's harder I think..you're expected to suddenly stand alone without that support that you've always had unlike us that experienced a gradual separation from our parents and the development of our survival skills. I think this decision is the exception..the decision to have a baby. For the most part I think us singles are hoping for Mr. Wonderful to show up eventually and then plan a family...the crunch time comes and you have to start thinking of doing this shit solo. Hard decision. Very hard. But I see people do it all the time and I refuse to live with the regret of never trying...I couldn't do this to myself as a person or as a woman...and so..onward. Freaked out but onward. My friend Ling picks me up in the morning to take me to the retrieval and I'm just hoping there are some (really hoping for plenty) in there and that this time they fertilize better and eventually implant..That's as far as I'm willing to hope for today and for this weekend. The rest of the wishing will have to wait until that part is over. Baby steps..no pun.