Loooooooonnnngggg weeekend

I decided after my first negative HPT to continue testing on a daily basis...it just so happened I had just enough HPT tests to do one daily until day after tomorrow, Wednesday, when I go in to see the doctor for a real test. So far they've all been negative and no matter how long they sat out they stayed negative. Thankfully, though not good for me, I was dealing with serious work stress..I mean serious work stress..no sleep Friday night..calls to attorneys, police, and other people you don't want to need to call in the middle of the night...and they were all called in the middle of the night..I'm talking wake an attorney up at 3:45 a.m. This went into Saturday and finished off today, Monday morning into Monday afternoon. It's over for now. I might get my ass chewed out tomorrow but we'll deal. Cleaned my entire condo, except for the guest room that only got vacuumed, from top to bottom today in between calls and fits of crying. I secretly have a fake feeling I'm pregnant. I say fake because I don't want to hope..this two week wait, which really isn't two weeks at all, is really sucky, enough to drive someone crazy. I went nuts and had a cup of coffee today..well, half a cup and it's half calf/half decaf..what a rebel I am. I just needed to feel normal for a minute and it was either that or a smoke so I chose the lesser of two evils. I'm having all kinds of progesterone symptoms that I so wish were signs of pregnancy but the reality is what it is. Tomorrow, according to all the charts I've read, is the real start of any HCG being produced and probably the only pregnancy test out of all the ones that I'll be taking, that I can in any way rely on. I'm giving it a shot and trying to just psyche myself up to do this again as I can't help but feel that this is inevitable. I don't know why I'm so torn between feeling that I am and knowing that I'm not. Me who is usually a trust your gut kind of person. I wish I had jotted down what my instincts were last time so I can compare notes but alas...
Well, I'll know for sure by Wednesday (that's only 2 short days from now)..so crazy this whole thing. So crazy that I might end up childless, husbandless, and overweight..that is so not the life I dreamt of when I was growing up. Wow...talk about thinking good thoughts. Well, I tell myself it aint over and even if there are no babies..I'm not done.