While you wait

The anticipation of what I'll hear tomorrow is killing me and staying in the house all day isn't helping. I had nightmares last night of witnessing a stabbling, test driving a car (not a nightmare but strange), and lastly that Ling had been sitting Tess and that she'd gotten seriously hurt and I had to rush with her to the hospital with her guts hanging out. Tess is teeny tiny so you can only imagine my despair. So that was how I woke up to start my day, scared. I usually go spend time with my siblings on Sundays but when I texted to see what was up they told me they're leaving early to go back home. Sometimes I get so pissed at them as I'd wish they would consider me a little..consider telling me hey if you want to hang with us we're leaving early. I say us as they are a team...when they're together they don't think of me..it's only when the other person isn't available..painful but it is what it is and I have to accept as what real choice is there? There has always been a space between one or another of us. I don't include "D" as "D" really is our center of the universe..the reason we all see each other weekly. My older sib and I used to be super tight and the younger was the one who alienated themselves from us..never wanted to be with us only with their friends..beginning when they went away to college so it was me and the older sib..probably the least healthy of us all. Anyhow, the dynamics changed when the younger sib ended up in a psychiatric ward and the older wouldn't visit..too busy..showed me their true colors and I never forgot it. It was all compounded further when "D" had their crisis and the younger one, who promised to help would ignore my phone calls..I was left holding the bag not knowing where to turn..sounds simple but in reality it was smack in the middle of cancer and it was a crisis comparable to cancer...what do you do with someone who is dependant on a ton of meds when nobody wants to treat them...what do you do? What do you do when they're running out of meds and you don't know where to turn and everyone is refusing them help? Picture yourself sick and trying to cope with this by yourself while going to school and working full time. Not fun. Anyhow, I guess two things finished me off..when they told me I was having a nervous breakdown over the "incident" that happened at work and didn't want to talk to me about it anymore and I coulnd't stop crying..told me go get a shrink (which by the way I did and shrink told me I had PTSD..but yes, I'm "obsessive") and now of course when dealing with trying to get pregnant which they also are not interested in. Actually made the mistake of mentioning it to younger sib yesterday that I thought perhaps I wasn't able and they dismissed it saying well think about adoption..really? You can't even muster up, 'sorry to hear it' or 'why do you think that' or ask one fucking question? Okay, sorry my mistake. I only called you fifty times last week when you were having a meltdown over something being stolen from your car, making sure you were okay. Okay. Anyhow, all this shit is just eating at me today and really the real issue at hand is the question I keep asking myself if this pregnancy thing doesn't work out for me...where do I go from here? It's a sort of anger welling up inside of me..frustration, anger, desperation. I am having a little ole pity party for myself thinking, okay you can't have the thin gene, you aren't getting married, you belong to a crazy ass family, and no kids..? really? Hmmm...so what do I get here? Selfish and greedy huh? It could be worse..could have been poor, starving or a half wit.. I mean really, I could have been. But it still feels not right..I've really tried to be a good person in my life..at least for the first 30 years or so.Lived a life of service..always worked with the less fortunate and gave 101%.. Lately, I'm hanging on by a thread..praying praying but not really giving anything to anyone..feeling like I have nothing left really..just trying to hang onto myself and give a final go at making myself happy...trying for a last dream that I never thought possible..So I'm hoping tomorrow is good. Gotta lighten my mood to make it better put me in a positive more hopeful mood...a mood more in line with conceiving. I see the guy doctor tomorrow, did I mention? My chick is on vacation. Okay, well. Tess is barking and I look out to see the snow and the two little twin girls who live next door making their way inside with their mom. Too sweet.