A Quiet Desperation

All week I've been obsessing with the thought that I hope I get pregnant..ever since I spoke to the RE on Monday. I have to keep things in perspective and keep myself hopeful but not so hopeful that I set myself up for a devastation. I have two things that are better or different happening than last time; one, my fibroid was cut back, and two, I'm using a different sperm..one that I really want to take. I'm just worried that it won't happen and then wonder what I'll do with my life really...what plans I will have. I spoke to Kay about that fact that I now have to replace my car due to the tranny problem and explained that if I do indeed get pregnant then that would effect what type of car I get and I'd get something more conventional...if it's not in the cars then I'll rebuy what I drive now which is ridiculously unconventional by any stretch of the imagination particularly for a woman my age (ugh the sound of that..ugh, but true). She asked me if it didn't work, wasn't I planning to adopt? Well, I guess I'd have to cross that road but that would be down the pike as this has been emotionally exhausting and I can't continue on a race like thi; have it not work and jump into another battle in an effort to find my baby..I would need time to just collect myself and my disappointment. The thought makes me want to cry. I have two more shots at this left which isn't bad and the RE said she thought my chances were not bad...she didn't say they were good but when I asked her if they were bad, she said absolutely not..made me feel a lot better. So we'll see where it goes. I'm scared. I'm scared of what I'll do if it doesn't happen. A part of me gets so crazed at the idea that I think I'd sell my place, quit my job and just live a simple bullshit, hippy, go back to art life...just feels I'd need to shut down and just get away from all my coworkers who are mothers or wives or both and just so fucking proud of it all that they have to talk about it nonstop..Yes, I realize I'd do the same but it hurts nonetheless. I keep looking up shit to up your chances of conceiving..really not that helpful though they keep mentioning reduce stress..difficult though I'm trying to disengage myself from the bitches at work or I should say, continuing to try..I'm listening to my meditation CD on my breaks there which is somewhat helpful but not always and just trying to keep or needing to try to keep a low profile while there. The work has been relentless this week but I'm trying to just do it and shut up about it. I've been feeling cramping lately indicating my period is coming and the start of this rat race of injections again. I'm ready..I think I'm ready. Going to take some time off when the time comes and just be better to myself. Not always such an easy task.

Who's your daddy?

Went to the RE's today which went fine. She's a doll come to life really...sweeter would be impossible. So I ask her, "Doc, do you think my chances are still good"? She says, "Just as good as last time". Now, I've spent about the last 8 years going to doctors and clinics and the like at least once a month if not weekly and know what that means. That's the "I don't want to answer that or give you an opinion" answer. Last week someone asked me at work if the sonogrammer will tell you if they see something when they're scanning and I explained, that if they tell you they don't see anything but you need to speak to your doctor you can be pretty sure that's the truth..if they say, I'm only the sonogrammer, I cannot or am not allowed to give you an opinion..yeah, you're most likely in danger of being fucked. So I got that answer and was feeling shitty as I got my underwears on and the rest of my clothes. As I'm opening the door to leave she stops me and says, "Gem, listen, are you using the same donor"? I say, "Yes, but last time it really wasn't my same donor as he ran out so I'm going back to the original one"..."Great" she says and proceeds to explain that when talking with the lab person they said that those sperm did not thaw well nor did they fertilize well and another donor would be better. Now aren't I lucky that this dude isn't someone I'm married to? It's such an odd situation to be in to just be able to switch off. I bumped into the receptionist from my general practioners office in the parking lot, which is always weird to see her there as it's not like it's near where we live...but I digress...she'd told me last time her eggs and her husbands sperm were not compatible and they suggested either donor eggs or donor sperm...neither of which she is willing to do so she's just taking her chances even though they are less than 10%. She's there and she's doing it. I say that takes courage, faith, and emotional strength. Was just talking to one of my friends who I met through my sperm bank line who believes she is PG but from a guy she had a brief relationship with but no longer wants in her life. She asked me what I thought of her not telling him and I told her I was against it...baby needs to know who their father is. When I think about all of us "girls" who are dreaming of our babies and how we go about it and what's important to us, it makes me feel less alone..all of us going about it in a different way with different values and different lives but wanting to be mom's or mom's again. It really is something..it really is beautiful in a way. Hoping all of our dreams come true.

No Kids? What do you mean No Kids?

Since when do you have to remind a woman, any woman that she has no kids. If this is a decision she chose to make, believe me she's done a lot of explaining about it and needs no reminders and if she didn't make this decision by choice then again, believe me she is quite aware that she has no kids in her life. Fucking people. And then when confronted you cry and say it was a comment meant to just state a fact, "like you don't have blonde hair". I don't think so. Last time I checked not having blonde hair didn't break anyone's heart. What I wanted to say was so mean, it would have been irreversible; no amount of begging or pleading or getting teary eyed with apologies would have been enough to forgive what I wanted to say back to the chick. Hypersensitive? Maybe. But the chick is well aware of my desire for children, maybe not aware that I'm trying but aware that I want them or wanted them or what have you. I cried at work. Can you fucking imagine..I cried at work..not teary eyed..all out cried where I couldn't speak. Lovely. Just a quiet crying thank God. Still crying as I write this. I wonder sometimes what goes through people's minds about people my age who want kids but haven't or couldn't have them. You think this is easy? Easy is getting married at 28, buying a house with a white pickett fence and decorating it, paying bills with two incomes, getting a dog and having 2.3 kids or whatever the statistic is and making decisions with somebody else about how you'll take care of them....that my friend is easy and don't let anyone tell you it isn't. Ask a person who has been divorced for a year or two how much easier that life was and how unaware they were about how hard it is to do it alone. This? This is not easy by any stretch of the fucking imagination. It's not easy to go to school when nobody supports you, not easy to buy a house and pay a mortgage by yourself, get a dog by yourself, eat dinner most nights by yourself, and definitely not have a baby by yourself...that my friend is not easy. When nobody is down in the trenches with you all of your decisions fall on and rest on you, just you. Get a clue you marrieds, get a fucking clue. Better yet, don't talk to us singles unless you have something nice to say because you don't know about hard until you've had to do it all alone, year after fucking year..alone. Hard alone is much worse than hard with someone else...and I don't want to hear that the other person is lazy, doesn't help you, even that he doesn't have a job, cause unless they're beating you..puhhlease. It just makes me so angry and it's the second incident this week, though the first person I think was deliberately doing it to aggravate me. I told myself as I was driving home today to try and ignore these animals but it gets hard. I've been staying away from them but it's hard any ole way. Just have to keep the faith because really, what choice do I have? I know I have no fucking kids people, I really do but I'm sick of hearing about that fact as it's just stating the obvious..doesn't make you smart, observant, cool, or any of the sort and by the way you children bearing people...yes, to your children you are very special and good for you I'm totally and sincerely jealous but to anybody else you really aren't a genius and haven't done anything that was that stupendous..you did something completely natural and in most cases, you did it accidentally..so just shut your pie hole when you feel like saying that we don't understand because we don't have kids...just shut your friggin pie hole...I've wiped an ass before, tucked someone in and actually had about a gallon of urine in my car and on me before, cleaned a fucking nose...it's not rocket science my friend..you're special to your child and family so you've got nothing to brag to me about..you're not even doing it that well from where I stand..ass.

Dysfunction Junction what's your Function

So I have relatives here from wherever they're from, I believe I mentioned that...so another came yesterday that I'm not overly fond of. She's not really a relative it's the "by marriage" kind of thing. So this is the dysfunctional scenario for today: I had made plans with one of my relative to come over and fix a few things for me...long standing plans..I was to pick him up after work before I pick my sister up and run around like a loon. So I adjust..I roll...I get all my shit done during my break at lunch, run home like a fiend, put all the groceries away, take out the trash, get Tess ready and we're out the door. I call the mother...she tells me she has other plans for the guy that was supposed to come over...I tell her she's gotta be kidding..she says we'll talk when I get there..I pull over and start yelling that if that was the case what the fuck was I going over there for..I hear the guys wife says she'll take her...the same chick I don't like. Fine..I appreciate it. I call the guy, who is two blocks down from my mom's visiting a relative and tell him I'll pick him up. I get there his wife who volunteered to take the mother is there drinking a bacardi shot. Now,... absorb all of this shit. She must have fucking run over there as I was literally 5 minutes from there...and downed the shot quick as shit..why you ask? Because, I live in dysfunction fucking junction. Guess who can't drive with a shot in her? Nobody fucking can..Needless to say, I'm home exhausted having run all over the place for fucking nothing..Thank you..thank you very much. And yes, those flames are coming out of my ears. I wanted to smoke but I ate instead. I still want to smoke. Big surprise.

No news is No news

I haven't written because really nothing has been happening on the baby making front, the dieting front, or any other front taking up space in my brain and body. Tonight I finally finished the medication prescribed to me after having had my uterine study last month and I have my period..or what appears to be my period. Went for blood work this morning for my thyroid levels and iron levels which are both all fucked up as usual..at least the iron thing is as usual. My uncle is here from wherever he's from which is great as it seems that we never see family from wherever they're from as much as we'd like. His wife is due to fly in next week. He's fixing crap up in my condo which is awesome. Upon his arrival, my other uncle, who really isn't my uncle, came over with his wife. The wife told me my mother told her I was trying, told her she's not happy about it, and of course nobody could understand why she isn't...duh..anyhow my uncles wife told me she's praying that it happens for me and she'd be happy to help me when the time comes with babysitting and such..cool huh? I thought it was very nice of her. Anyhow, not gonna bore you with the rest of the b.s. but wanted to touch base to say I'm still out here fighting the fight, or at least preparing to fight it, rolling with the punches, and trying to make life happen for myself. We'll see how it turns out.

Faeries, Thieves, and Showers

I was invited by my fairy godmother to the babyshower of her grandson who is all of 21 and his girlfriend who is about that age as well, is pregnant with her 3rd, count them, 3rd child (by different guys mind you). Anyhow, I was scared to go for a million different reason but I mustered up my courage Friday night and took "D" with me shopping which ended up being just okay and not as heartbreaking as I thought.. Really, I just chose several of the on sale outfits and shoved them in a gift bag...fine. Saturday I dropped Tess off at my mom's to stay with my sibs two dogs and off I went. I was greeted by my godmother's husband Jules who is a show-off but like my Godmom..honest to a fault. I come into the house and he promptly tells me that I better lock my purse in my car as his Grandson is going to be at the party and it won't be safe inside. Right off the bat I know I'll be fine..I mingle, I help clean, I help serve, I get buzzed, it's all good. Her presents were simple gifts really and even though I was unusually conservative with my gift, it was one of the more generous bags. The highlight of my evening was when my Godmother announced in her high pitched voice how I'm trying but due to the fact that I'm single will be getting inseminated! I wanted to ring her neck..I jabbed her in her 80 year old ribs instead and told her to hush it. And that my friends was another lovely weekend!

Emotional Ass Whoopings

Tomorrow I see the doctor. It's been a while since I've been to the clinic and I'm trying to prepare myself for another bout of emotional ass whoopings. I used to walk in there smiling and walk out of there euphoric but alas, reality has reared it's ugly head one too many times to give me negative news related to that joint... so I go in tomorrow with a heavy heart and a fear that I won't recognize anyone; that everyone would have gotten their little piece of heaven and I'm still at the starting gate waiting, just waiting and hoping that there's a little piece left for me. We all sit there together and you get to know your group...there's the orthodox couple where the woman is a teeny tiny young beautiful thing and the guy is gross and mistreats her...the other couple with the beautiful tiny wife and big ugly dude who treats her like a princess...the yuppy couple who speak in nods and eye movements not daring to move their lips..and the list goes on..we all notice each other, raise our brows to each other but never speak to each other...weird really. I imagine that I'm the "woman who is never there with her partner"..if they labeled the way I labeled, I imagine that's who I'd be..the "no partner is ever with her" woman. I'm cool with that in theory, but at times it is, I'll admit, an emotional bummer. So I go in tomorrow to see my beautiful, inside and out, doctor who I imagine has the perfect life with her beautiful husband and two boys..(yes, I think I mentioned I looked her up and found out, regrettably in retrospect, too much information about her...uh, I'm a total nosey stalker)..I don't resent her blessings as she's that nice..too nice to even be jealous about..like a lovely angel really. This is how I see her..ethereal..and I'm not alone..Kay says the same thing, that there's something ethereal and almost glowing like about her..weird, huh? That's my doctor. I'll see her and she'll pump me up with hope and then soothe me with her gentle words when my world comes crashing down. Hoping that tomorrow doesn't bring any bad news..she said she was waiting for the pathology report and historyically, this hasn't been a good thing for me, these pathology reports....Don't even want to go there but the brain goes where it goes. I imagine if it was horrible news I'd of gotten a phone call so..that's good. Going to try and go in with some semblance of a positive outlook..it'll work this next time I'm sure..God willing..please God..

Oh, ..my fairy Godmother called to invite me to....drum roll please...a fucking baby shower! Yes, yes, no fucking applause at my luck but it's all good. It's her fucked up grandson's girlfriend who is having a baby and I don't think there's one person happy about it. I'm totally fine with it really...it just hurts the teeniest tiniest little bit..totally tolerable pain. I even get to go baby shopping for a nice gift..now that, yes that'll hurt.

She couldn't have been raised by this woman

I went to my mother's house today with a sense of relief as I knew she was gone for the day. Off to Atlantic city to play the slots which she does on occasion. So the younger sibling was home as they had agreed to spend the day caring for "D". It went surprisingly well...we went shopping and had a pretty decent conversation about where we were going in our lives. As soon as my mother arrived my hackles went up...she was home earlier than I'd thought and I immediately began to scramble getting my belongings together...she named a million things she'd left to be done, rattling off the list asking if they'd been done, and I called up to my younger sib to be on the watch as she was on a roll. I'd almost made it out when I said the unthinkable..."mom, keep in mind that this is {sibling's} weekend too and don't ask for too much tomorrow". Yeah,.. wrong thing to say. Went off on a tirade of what do I ever do for her...what does sibling do for her..she insisted I tell her so I did...pissed her the fuck off. Gave her the laundry list: go to the supermarket, go to the pharmacy, write out her checks, take her to church, pick her up, do her hair, call her doctors, read this letter, et cetera et fucking cetera... She stone walled me. As I try to explain that my goal isn't to upset her but just have her try to keep in mind that we get tired too. She tells me we have no consideration for her and what is my problem with her. We have no consideration of you? I ask..are you out of your mind?! She stopped talking to me...completely stone walled me. That's usually my father's move to stop speaking. I told her that I always seem to upset her but the truth is I'm the only one who'll say something to her. I tried to say it all calmly and conversation like. I told her maybe it's better that I don't visit any more...Nothing. She won't answer. I left. I feel bad and think it is me. It must be me as even she, who has whatever it is she has, dementia?, has noticed that it's me...point blank said.."I don't know what your problem is with me". It must be me. I think to myself that it's probably better that I don't go back there...too much stress and I wonder where did this anger come from. I feel a definite anger towards her and it comes out.. I won't lie about that. I call her on all her shit and won't let one slip by though each day that I drive to her house I pray on my way there that I don't upset anyone and that I don't get upset. I wonder sometimes who this lady is...why she isn't the mother that I want..not why she can't be..why I can't accept her...I'm not sure...I don't know what it is about me that expects her to be more than she is..maybe more than she can be or could've been..where did this come from. I am an angry bitter person I think to myself. I am an angry hostile person. I think of my doctor...Dr. B who is all things good and sweet...beautiful inside and out and I wonder how her mom was towards her. What surrounded her to make her so sweet or was it just how she was meant to be. I think of that show...19 kids and counting and how the mother on the show explained that she consciously makes an effort to speak to them sweetly as that's what type of mother she wants to be and what she wants her kids to experience and her husband explains that if they don't speak to them with respect there'll be no trust and respect reflected back and I think..Is this my problem, what went wrong with me? Why can't I be a sweet warm person, what made me this hard angry hypersensitive person? And what did I want from them..what exactly did they do that made me so angry at them? Just annoy me really...maybe I am magnifying her deficits more than the average person..maybe... I'm not even sure of anything any more. All I know is that when I leave there, I feel like a bad person. When I'm there I just want to eat and eat and eat..I want to yell and yell and yell and argue argue argue and I always leave upset..can't recall a time that I left there feeling adequate or sane..always a bad feeling. I have nowhere to run..no sanctuary outside of my home where I can go to tell someone. The new therapist doesn't seem like a resource, at least not yet..probably not ever though I don't want to be such a pessimist..Not sure. What I do know is that something needs to give..something needs to change..I need to change my reaction to her. She had me list anything I do for her...I'm listing laundry fucking detergent puchases for crying outloud. Fuck. Fuck, I tell you. Fuck. Grocery shopping trips. Listing shit I do for "D". Since when do I have to qualify what I do for her. I asked her, what do you do for me? Can you list something? Just one thing? Fuck. How petty. How motherfucking petty.

You know, mother's are so important. It's our refuge I think and when you don't have one you're lost. My mother never had one and in turn she could never be our refuge..MY refuge as I have to learn to keep it in the "I" and not speak for my siblings. I've felt lost for as long as I can remember though we all try and go back to the house to find our peace...the missing piece..I wonder what type of mother I would be if given the opportunity. Would I be supportive, argumentative, angry? Would I love enough? Would it be enough to satisfy a child..with my broken self? I think yes at times as I think I love Tess too much..smother her, overdress her for the weather, baby her. Is this good mothering? Does anyone really know what it is? Not sure.

Me without my hat

I went to weight watchers this morning only to find that it was closed for removations. The chick from work was there too along with a slew of other people who were directed to go to another Town...two seconds from where I just came from (home)..I decide I'll go shopping. Now, I had thought I might go shopping after ww and had planned to bring my hat and put that crap on in the bathroom after the meeting. Usually, if I go out during the day, I have a prop, a disguise of sorts. Some glasses, a hat, a hood, whatever..so of course..left the friggin hat at home. I'm at a home store looking at all the knick knack patty whacks feeling all to conspicuous and lo and behold I bump into one of "D"'s old staff members...someone who knows way too many secrets about my family..someone I'd rather not see. So I do the chit chat, the kiss, the b.s. b.s that accompanies this type of meeting..and feeling like shit, abandon my cart and make a beeline to the exit. I decide I'll go to the department store across the way..get through the traffic and it's mobbed...what are the chances I won't bump into someone I know? Zero to none...trek across the parking lot past the fucking baby store..and jump on the thruway home. Weird you think right? How I don't want to be seen? There are too many demons, not skeletons, demons in my closet. Things that haunt me and hurt me. It's nothing I've done per se but shit I've been through and all here in this tiny fucking place that I wish I could leave with way too many people that I know...too many. If you spend 1 hour out with me in public you would say holy shit Gem, how many friggin people do you know? A lot. A whole fucking lot and it's the good the bad and the ugly..a mixed lot from a mixed life and I hate it. Too sensitive you think? Yes, absolutely too sensitive..guilty.

I'm home. I think of going to the 12:30 meeting near me but don't want to..torn between two lovers really as I want to get the info packet they're giving out today regarding their new program. Going to go out with my other sister later (I think)..the other sister who I never hang with and of course with "D" as my mother is away and my other sib is half way around the world for work.

I saw the new therapist again this past Wednesday. I want to abandon ship but I'm not letting myself. Gonna try and stick it out...try not to be too sensitive...not sure this chick is equipped to deal with me. I've always believed that in order to develop a good therapeutic relationship the therapist has to be stronger than the client or at least the client has to have this impression. I can be an animal so this makes the search that much harder...I can be an animal but I'm hypersensitive so the combination is one that really kills me..we'll see what happens.

A fix for crazy in brief

I'm a big fan of the show, the Mentalist. If you've never watched it I'd say take a look when you get a chance. For a large part of my early life, I lived my life observing everything that went on around me. I was quiet to the extreme as I'm sure I mentioned at some point in this long story. I mention this because the main character figures shit out by just being super observant noticing shit you might not have paid any mind to...so interesting.. Anyhow, I digress...in one of the first shows the main character makes a comment that has stuck with me and I think about all too often, " a therapist is a disease posing as a cure"...I went to see the new therapist. She's bright which is good...she is a teensy bit judgmental and I don't think she's too keen on us having the same degree from the same University and knowing almost all of the same people. Every time I mentioned someone she would fill in their last name...hmmm...given it a chance. Gonna try and do the 10 first sessions allotted by my insurance and see what happens. I left there feeling worse than when I went in so that being said, at the first hint that I am regressing..it's all balls to the wall and I'm outta there but I have to give it a chance. It can't be that every therapist sucks..sometimes it's gotta be that I'm just super sensitive. The shit is, if you're therapist has issues..you're fucked. The number one thing I remember from grad school was a professor mentioning that all of us were studying to do therapy not because we wanted to help people but because of our own issues that needed to be resolved. I totally agree though I'm sure most therapist might not..but the truth is, most of the therapists I've met are fucked in the head. It's like the fact that the majority of drug counselors have a history...coincidence? don't thin so..crazy fixers have their own experiences as well. So I tread carefully.

BTW, the friggin antenna up my crotch..bitch and a half...just thought I'd mention it.