Just a bit more

I wrote today but it was really just a rant and I find myself here at a little past 11 just feeling wired, anxious, and scared after more looking up pregnancy crap, obsessing about work and just plain driving myself crazy. I was looking up the med menopur that my doctor is switching me to from Luveris and ganirelix...just seeing what the big difference was and it appears that very little is different other than one is synthetic and menopur is natural and according to what I've read, some people respond better to one than the other. I just have to have hope but I'm find that it's one of the hardest things to have when you've tried and tried and haven't been successful. I find myself just doing the counts and I can't help but realize that it's been about 10 months since I started the process with the RE...had it worked the first time my due date would've been mid-April and I remember thinking what a coincidence this was as it would fall right next to my mother's and my birthday. Alas it wasn't to be..not the 2 IUI's after that or the 2 IVF's after that. I'm 41 next month and the clock is tick tick ticking away..It seems I can hear it with every inhalation and exhalation of my breath..tick fucking tock..time just slipping from me. I used to see a therapist who referred to my life at one point as "the unlived life"..I realize now that statement was not true and I had a different type of life than perhaps she had experienced where things move slower but I should have hustled things up. It seems though when I take a retrospective of my life, that there was always some crisis or some tragedy or some hurdle to get over in my life..with myself or my family or even with just my emotions. Not so much an unlived life but more of a lonely life..a life where there was struggle..normal struggles and sometimes not so normal but it's what I lived and there it is. I didn't come into my own where I could juggle shit until I came to earn a little money.. money makes everything easier, makes things possible especially if you have to do everything alone..not whining just saying and I'm grateful. I'm hoping that I can just get this one thing done..make my life feel like it was worth some of the struggle as otherwise..who cares really? I don't know. Anyhow, tomorrow I have to drive to E. Jabib and it turns out my coworker is going on her own so I'm taking my car on my own and hoping for the best in terms of the transmission..sure it'll be fine but gotta wake up at the crack to get there. Just feeling down tonight, stressed and somewhat overwhelmed by things. You know you hear about people wanting to run away from their lives and sometimes I wish I could just drive and drive and drive and end up nowhere..just away from myself and my thoughts and my crazy mind and this crazy life that's just too much for me..with this crazy job that pays great but is going to shorten my life...gotta hang in..have that hope that everyone talks about and just try to straighten shit out so either I can stay and live with it or go and breathe.

P.S. As I was signing off I heard about someone else (celebrity) who is pregnant..I never thought something could really just stab me in the heart when it had nothing to do with me but really, I can't hear about anybody else having a baby...really it's tearing at me..just killing me and I really just wish people would shut up with the whole pregnancy thing...Shut the fuck up people some of us have nothing!!! just shut the fuck up already. Shit.

Just trying to roll but ..

Work blew today. Totally took away whatever relaxed state I'd been able to reach during the weekend. Walked in positive..talked to too many staff that fuck with you and act like idiots not recognizing that the consequences of their behavior will ultimately fall on you add a smart ass condescending biotch to the mix and voila..headache and feeling like it was a bad day. I tried not to dwell on it and really, part of the problem is I think I'm too sensitive and that others are too insensitive. I hate my job so much..I really do. Not the job, no it's not the job, it's the people I work with. A bunch of idiots who all believe they're underappreciated geniuses. Guess what asspirins!? you are just average!!! Average! I just wish they'd leave me alone and do their work and stop the bitching. I know..I'm one to talk..here I am bitching..but it's not the actual work I'm bitching about..it's the need for every single ("subordinates" mind you) questioning everything you do and then coming up with some snarky remark back...just on the cusp of disrespectful and abusive so you can't really do shit about it. Anyway, that's my rant and I had to get it out of my system. I started going through all my shit this weekend. Got rid of two garbage bags full of clothes and cleaned out all the cupboards in the kitchen. Gonna try and do the hallway closets this coming weekend along with all the paperwork shredded as soon as the heavy duty shredder I purchased is delivered. It was on sale for 120 which is stil a ton of money but I've gone through 2 shit shredders and enough is enough..I just need to put a little money into it and get a real shredder that'll do the job and get it over with. I have an accumulation of paperwork that I've allowed to amass for fear of identity theft and a bad case of carpal tunnel that doesn't allow me to just rip it up so hopefully I'll get all this crap out of my house and I can get someone to come paint and maybe list this thing and get it out of my hair. Though it pains me not to have something to deduct..this thing is holding me down and unless I have a kid, there's no reason to own really..well, that's debatable as I was raised to not believe in throwing your money away which is what renting is but..this is too much already and it's keeping me locked into my job. If I could find something cheaper I can rent, start really socking it to my student loans and within the next few years find my way outta this joint and outta my job. If there's a baby coming then that's different..that'd be a reason to sacrifice...send the kid to private school and day care and that sort of thing. Speaking of making a kid, I went online last night to cryo and it showed that my guy only had a few vials left which I thought was odd as he usually sells out quick and I thought he hadn't had anything in since December. I called today thinking..holy shit he dropped a new load and I missed it but he's out of stuff. More is coming Wednesday and I think I'll buy another vial or maybe two...they raised the price to 614 or some such number...all for some friggin sperm. Oh well..that's the price and I don't have any so..Anyhow, that's enough of my babbling...off I go to chill with Tess.

Smoking, joking, and other things that aren't so funny

I smoked a cigarette today...well..took 3 drags from a cigarette I should say and of course now I want to smoke. That's how it works..duh to me. Anyhow, went to my mother's and actually had a good time with my siblings..made one of them (who rarely ever really laughs) choke they laughed so hard giving my mother, who insists we are stealing all of her stuff, a hard time. She is accusing us of having stolen a huge bible she had, a bed spread, and a black and white flowered jacked that she later found in one of her 4 closets..she's a clothes mongrel. Yes mom, we stole your bible..as if..that's like a one way ticket to hell. Anyhow, we died laughing about it. Talked to Kay and Diana today...spoke to Diana to just let her know I'm okay as I think I scared her a bit yesterday as I was a mess. Anyhow, feeling better today and just trying to keep the faith that this is all gonna happen for me. And though I don't really believe this, I'm trying to tell myself that I believe this. Honestly can't picture this happening for me. Wish I was rich and then I'd just try and try and try. I logged onto Cryobank to see if my guy had any stuff available and it looks like he'd submitted another batch and there is little if anything left. Gonna try and remember to call tomorrow and also call the pharmacy to refill meds as well as remember to have someone gas up a work car to take to East Jabib on Tuesday..did I mention I have to go to East Jabib on Tuesday? Really it's upstate New York and one of the other heads asked if I was taking a company car could she tag along..I explained I'm taking my truck..then changed my mind when I remembered my tranny is going and the ride is 3 hours round trip so I'm going with her. The goal is not to disclose too much as I tend to be chatty and social even when I don't want to be...annoy the hell out of myself as I tend to say too much. So that's that. Refill meds, gas for the car, and order sperm..weird how that's not so weird anymore. So getting ready for Monday and hoping that the week flies by. Have another meeting with a big wig from another agency along with an attorney over that incident that I had to deal with the other night..I don't think I mentioned it here. Anyhow, it all makes for a lovely month of stress that I'm hoping just cools off and turns to nothing. I want to call the accupuncturist and see if they take my insurance..hoping the answer is yes though I'm not sure if that would kick into my $50K fertility cap with the insurance. Money really does make the world go round. I so wish I hadn't bought this condo as it swallows all my money and if I was in a modest apartment I'd had a lot more to play with ...Gonna see if maybe I unload this shit this year...time will tell what the future holds..don't care what that is just hope it's a baby too...just saying.

Meds

Just came from my mother's house and I had completely forgotten that a new shipment of meds had come in. I opened her refrigerator to find the entire bottom shelf full of boxes, needles and the like. Interestingly enough she mentions not a word about them other than the one call I received earlier this week to tell me I had some packages that had arrived and that she'd refrigerated them. Weird or what but that's my family..don't discuss it and it doesn't exist. I had them sent to her house as someone needed to sign due to the fact that the meds totalled over $10K this month...meds that I hope are covered by my insurance for a procedure that I'm not sure is still covered by my insurance. I have one of those plans that gives you a cap as to how much you can spend rather than tell you what fertility procedures you are allowed to have done. For me the cap is $50K and I can't imagine that I haven't reached that yet though I'm unsure if that includes fertility meds. Nonetheless, if it doesn't..I have to give myself this opportunity. I want at least 2 more after this if this next one doesn't work..the thought of that makes me physically sick..I literally got a stomach ache just writing that thought down. The meds are a little different this time. I'm still on the follistim but instead of the Luveris and the Ganirelix..I'm taking something called menopur. It's supposed to help your eggs mature and help deliver a better quality embryo which I pray to sweet Jesus it does. I have a hole in my heart and I don't know how much more of this I can take. It's tearing me apart...the thought that I might live this life and never have children is just unbearable though I know it's entirely possible. I'm not sure if I mentioned the chick at work who can't have kids that's about my age. She was married about 2 to 3 years ago and was trying to have kids and couldn't..went for fertility treatment and still couldn't..she actually took my spot in the foster care training as I was supposed to sign up for that and didn't..long story which I believed I touched upon briefly in an entry some time ago...anyhow, foster parenting has also been a heartbreaking experience..they gave her a baby..took it away, returned it to her and are waiting to have it taken away again. I found out a little more this week about her infertility status. Apparently it's something genetic that her and her sister have and the chick who told me said it had something to do with her tubes...sounded a little weird to me as I'm pretty sure they can circumvent the tube thing with IVF....she apparently tried IUI3-4 times and one round of IVF which I found odd she didn't try more but again I don't have the details. This chick and I aren't friends..she's a mean girl who has softened up to me only due to the fact that a)I gave her my foster care spot saving her from waiting another 6 months to sign up and b)because I speak another language which she needs help with more than just occasionally so... whatever the case, I think she is one of those people who would be a great mother and is deprived of the fact..now a crackhead..they get a baby every time. Life isn't supposed to be fair and I know this ..I know this all too well and it doesn't just apply to me..it applies to too many..to everyone I would guess. So I go again at the end of this month and tonight putting away box after box of a car's value of medication I couldn't help but cry at both the frustration of the whole ordeal and the relief that I have the opportunity again..truly a bitter sweet experience that though I don't want to go through again am thankful that I get to try again. Thank you God.

1,001 ways to torture yourself

Okay, here we go again with my obsessiveness and craziness. I did something last night that I shouldn't have. It deterred me from falling asleep and from staying asleep. I looked up pface and asshole's baby registry and there it was. They are due next month!!! Next month!! and really, it's none of my business but it hurt any way. To me it was the closest thing to the one that got away...and the fact that he ended up with her...someone he knew I could not stand made it all that more painful. But there it is..and they're having a baby. And here I am..not having a baby next month...having a birthday instead..a torturous 41st biological clock robbing birthday. Why do I do this to myself? I don't know. It's the crazy in me. Just call me crazy. But I had to get some of it out before I go to work and have to act semi-normal. How I go on I'm not sure as it seems like too many things hurt right now. Hope is what keeps me going...hope that this ain't over..that some dreams can still come true and make this all worthwhile.

Later that sleep deprived day...

I've made a promise to myself today that I'll allow myself to obsess over this for the next few days and then it's done. I'm not going to refer to Pface and Asshole anymore, no more looking their shit up. It's immature and unhealthy, and though I know too many women, and I'm sure some men, tend to do this obsessing over someone thing..for me it's gone on way too long and really..it's not who I am anymore. I'm not that quivering young woman that needed a man in my life and sacrificed personality for the benefit. Though I'd still like someone in my life that person better walk in strong and with a set on him..if you know what I mean as I can't take another weak man in my life..won't make sacrifices like that. You come in whole and strong..all grown up and no exceptions because that is what I need today though at times I'll admit I myself still have my moments of weakness....this morning was one of those moments...it happens to the best of us and I'm at a vulnerable point in my life. I accept this about myself. I'm a woman living her life alone for too long having gone through my share of shit...I'm deserving of the (sometimes more than occasional) meltdown..Not that anyone is bitching but it's hard for me to cut myself a break sometimes. Shit happens.

Regrouping

I have been in a serious funk. A serious funk I tell you. Some deep shit of sadness and I can't for the life of me recall if this happened the last time IVF failed. It's taking a toll and my fucking job and asshole boss don't help. I can't seem to make myself feel any better no matter what I do so I'm allowing myself to wallow a little but then I have to find a way to regroup. Have to find a way to get my spirits up before the next IVF as I think it'll effect the outcome. I want to feel calm, at peace and just semi-happy at least. I made myself a deal. If there is no baby I'm out. I'm going to finish up with my credentials, sell the condo, pay off as much as I can on my student loans, and get the fuck out. I can find an apartment for less than a grand because really, who needs luxury. Talking to a friend at work about it, she balked and said you'll never make this much, but really, who needs money if you have no kids? You just need enough to live and make sure you're covered for when you retire..that's it. There would be no college loans or any such thing to worry about and I figure I sock enough away monthly now that I can apply to some of my student loans and the like to get me out of debt and outta this job pronto. That's if there is no baby and I hope that there is..I don't care if I'm stuck working in hell forever but please give me my baby God. I also am seriously thinking that after the baby I'm doing lap band. I just can't take the weight anymore. I don't want to get heavier than I am as I'll be entering the morbidly obese category and it's not even that..it's that I'm ashamed of myself and what I look like..ashamed. So after the baby or after if there is no baby..lap band. Hate to do it and I never thought I would but there it is.

Dreaming

I had several nightmares last night..real nightmares with monsters and the like. The last thing I remember hearing was my sibling saying to me, you know what that symbol around your neck means don't you? Referring to the new turtle necklace that I'm wearing. My coworker Lexi, told me how in her culture a turtle represents fertility and her mom told me I should find one and wear it at all times and didn't I go to Kohls and find about 5 different pendants with a turtle on it? Coincidence? I think not. Anyhow, I haven't written in a bit and I guess I just needed time to get my brains back together and I can't say I'm there yet but I'm trying. The weekend was particularly difficult. I spent about 15 minutes talking to a visibly pregnant person I was introduced to...all of 23 years old and you know what, really, I think that's about how old you really probably are supposed to be when you start trying..for your body to be most receptive so who the heck am I to judge and I didn't. Not like I normally would anyway. I don't see young people who are pregnant as a disgrace, or a person making a detrimental mistake in their lives..I feel, if anything, people like me, who wait for the career and that elusive prince Charming, are perhaps the fools. Someone should tell you, Hey, he sometimes doesn't make it and don't wait til the last minute and girl, you don't need to have a man..you can be your own woman! But alas, that's not how life is so here I am on the cusp of 40-fucking-one trying to have a baby and desperately hoping that I can just squeeze one out..that I'm wrong in thinking that I did in fact wait just a bit too long. Someone, Oprah or whoever the fuck, should have done a show at some point saying girls, those actresses having babies at 46: they are using donor eggs my friends- so don't think scientist have a magic wand..the eggs do not stay fresh forever! Nobody ever says that...I don't understand why that is. I have a sister who still believes it's possible to have babies older..even though I've explained that the doctor says after 43 it's near to impossible..I say near because there is always that freak occurrence but people seem to think you go to a fertility specialist, and voila! Poof!! they can get it done. I thought this myself..you live and learn. So I just wanted to touch base after once again perusing the online plus size maternity sections in the stores that have them and planning my imaginary wardrobe if it were to ever happen. Dreaming as usual. I have to keep dreaming as it'd be too painful to face the other..the thought that it won't happen. I told myself I'd spend up to 30k of my own money, not including sperm..after my insurance runs out. I think this is about the price of a decent car and something that I would regret not doing..not taking every opportunity to do. I spoke to someone today about how it works that I can borrow against my pension and it's fairly easy so...
Anyhow, that's the plan..I'll keep trying until I cap at 30k or my doctor tells me to stop. Until then..I dream.

Doctor B, Medicine woman

Went to see my doctor today and had a total meltdown..so much so that I left through the back entrance that I didn't even know existed. My doctor is so friggin nice that I broke down as soon as I saw her as I knew I wasn't pregnant, I just knew it. I know my body like no other. I knew that I had cancer when my doctor said I didn't, that's how well I know my body and some other time I'll tell you the crazy story of how I shocked one of the doctor's with my prediction. Anyway, this isn't a prediction, this was 5 pregnancy tests taken in succession. I know everyone says it was too early and it was but really I kind of had a feeling. Any time I thought it might be positive I felt like it might be fake positive...trying to psyche myself out but enough with my rant. My doctor called me at 3 to tell me the news and she sounded just as sad as I felt. I cried for a minute but really, I'd grieved it already so I think that was the last bit of it. She asked me what I wanted to do and I told her try again. She said next time, we'll change the protocol a bit to see if it's any better. A doll I tell you..so sweet that I consider it my little gift from God that that's who I ended up with. Lexi called to tell me she didn't pass her exam to be able to keep her job or rather her score was not high enough. That is also too sad...too sad for her and too sad for me -that a friend at work is leaving as I find myself with so few of them there. Took Tess for a walk, had an early dinner of oatmeal and am going to treat myself to a much deserved pot of coffee and maybe later a puff of a cigarette...just a puff..maybe.

P.s. if anyone ever needs a doctor in the NJ/NY area I will gladly share who I'm using.

8DP3D ET

So today was officially my 8th day post 3 day embryo transfer. I tested this morning and I tested again tonight..both negatives. I was going to post a pic of the pee stick but I figured if you're reading this you're all too familiar with what a negative pee stick looks like...it looks sad..it looks like it could cry all by itself sitting there on your bathroom vanity with just that one lonely line waiting for a mate that'll never show up. Ahhh, well, c'est la vie I suppose. I'll test again in the a.m. and then I'm off to the doctor and I am seriously considering just calling out. I'm tired. I cried all morning, cried all evening and spent the hours in between stressed by the drama of the bitches at work that can't seem to get along. I missed OA tonight..completely forgot about it except that "D", that sweet thing knows Tuesdays are meetings nights and called me to tell me it was time for me to go..cute that "D" always remembers...love "D" to pieces, like a child I've never had. Anyhow, one of the Canadians called me right before the meeting to say they were running late and I told them I wasn't going..they asked me about being pregnant and I told them...supportive as usual. I could cry from how sweet people have been..Lexi at work and the Canadians..sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet..people that show you kindness. Anyhow, I'm sitting here crying and feeling guilty and Tess has been bored out of her skin. I've tried to play with her as much as possible but when you're down and out it ain't easy. Anyhow, tomorrow is another day and I gotta wake up at the crack of ass to go to the doctors.

Loooooooonnnngggg weeekend

I decided after my first negative HPT to continue testing on a daily basis...it just so happened I had just enough HPT tests to do one daily until day after tomorrow, Wednesday, when I go in to see the doctor for a real test. So far they've all been negative and no matter how long they sat out they stayed negative. Thankfully, though not good for me, I was dealing with serious work stress..I mean serious work stress..no sleep Friday night..calls to attorneys, police, and other people you don't want to need to call in the middle of the night...and they were all called in the middle of the night..I'm talking wake an attorney up at 3:45 a.m. This went into Saturday and finished off today, Monday morning into Monday afternoon. It's over for now. I might get my ass chewed out tomorrow but we'll deal. Cleaned my entire condo, except for the guest room that only got vacuumed, from top to bottom today in between calls and fits of crying. I secretly have a fake feeling I'm pregnant. I say fake because I don't want to hope..this two week wait, which really isn't two weeks at all, is really sucky, enough to drive someone crazy. I went nuts and had a cup of coffee today..well, half a cup and it's half calf/half decaf..what a rebel I am. I just needed to feel normal for a minute and it was either that or a smoke so I chose the lesser of two evils. I'm having all kinds of progesterone symptoms that I so wish were signs of pregnancy but the reality is what it is. Tomorrow, according to all the charts I've read, is the real start of any HCG being produced and probably the only pregnancy test out of all the ones that I'll be taking, that I can in any way rely on. I'm giving it a shot and trying to just psyche myself up to do this again as I can't help but feel that this is inevitable. I don't know why I'm so torn between feeling that I am and knowing that I'm not. Me who is usually a trust your gut kind of person. I wish I had jotted down what my instincts were last time so I can compare notes but alas...
Well, I'll know for sure by Wednesday (that's only 2 short days from now)..so crazy this whole thing. So crazy that I might end up childless, husbandless, and overweight..that is so not the life I dreamt of when I was growing up. Wow...talk about thinking good thoughts. Well, I tell myself it aint over and even if there are no babies..I'm not done.