The other half...of the pill that is

The other half of that old Valium finally went down the hatch tonight. That my brain doesn't literally explode surprises the shit out of me. Yesterday...late yesterday...I go over to my mom's and meet my sib who said they were taking D to Target to do some shopping..would I like to come along. Um..I've done like shit worth of Christmas shopping so uh, yeah! I get there, my sibs on the horn with the other sib...we've got nobody to watch my dad today, Teresa called out. When did she call out I ask? Last week. What? What!? and we're trying to figure this shit out the night before? Older sib gets a puss on when I suggest we take turns...arguing with other sib...I say, Hang up and call the day chick. The day chick so far, Rocks...kind, considerate, and will do anything no qualms. Sib is like, she can't do another day. I say just call her ass and see if she knows someone. I get my cell and call myself. She says she's calling a friend, what's the rate for the day, how long and she'll let me know in a few. Calls me back in half hour and it's covered. The anxiety that erupted in my chest over the shit...not so fast to go away.

Today I'm freaked as nobody seems to have any fire under their ass about moving my dad's shit, packing up, nothing. I speak to both sibs who say, "you think we need to start". WTF fellas really? I won't get into it..it's just stupid and long. We haven't packed shit. Younger sib says they'll meet me there tomorrow to pack. Neither know what I'm up to tomorrow so I tell them I'll call after "work".

Kay calls me tonight and I vomit my problems to her over the phone. I explain I cancelled my therapy session as I don't want to share tomorrow with anybody whether it's good or bad except for Kay of course who if I was a lesbian I would marry as she's just too good to me. Anyhow, she says, Gem, take the other half of that Valium, get some sleep tonight and try not to think about it. I decide to go ahead and take it and the anxiety has subsided. I'll sleep in a bit but wanted to just share this whatever this is, here, where I can say what I need.

I wonder at times when I'll find some peace...to have a baby I imagine you need some peace for that egg to want to hold onto. I don't remember a time where I had that. Always chaos in my life. Hoping for the best tomorrow but trying to prepare myself for the worst. Time will tell.

Coming to a head

The anxiety is at full swing folks as this week the shit is coming to a head...so I'll either be in pieces at the end or will see a ray of hope. I have my appointment this Monday with the new clinic and the new doctor. Did I mention I pulled up the stats on Sart.org and my regular clinics stats were ridiculously low...so low it's just not even worth mentioning. The shrink brought up the fact, and I do believe I'm repeating some info here, that stats depend on the info going in...in other words on who they actually accept and it may just be that my clinic takes everybody and this other clinic does not...hoping this isn't the case and they'll actually take me...well time will tell won't it. I feel like this year has been the ass kicker of ass kickers and it'd be great to end on a positive.

In other news, my father is still at the nursing home for longer than we expected as he had somewhat of a setback. He continues to hallucinate and be nowhere near normal mentally or physically. A devastation really and last night after picking up my sib from the bus stop they stated wanting to get to the bottom of it so that he can go back to normal. Go back to normal? Ummm, perhaps I've had the hope bitch slapped out of me but I said to them, Uh,,,I don't think he's going back to "normal". Not for nothing but..hello. I could be wrong. I hope I'm wrong. For D's sake and for his sake as he hates all of this shit and I hate it to but frankly, I'm not holding my breath. Aside from all this shit, the finances are going faster than you can say, whatthefuck? and my youngest sib, who is in charge of the finances is in shock. They had given a budget of $2K to fix the new apartment and I said, are you just accounting for materials? They thought I was nuts. I explained, having recently had a bathroom renovated this shit costs dough. Needless to say, $2k went on materials...we're waiting to hear how much the work turned out to be. Yes, we work ass backwards...work first price later..go figure. There's nothing that can be done about it but we are definitely raising every one's rent come next year. He may be discharged on Monday which worries me because there is no way I can help with that....waited over 2 months for this doctor's appointment but I won't even jump to any worrying as I've got enough in real life.

Work is work. I finally had the opportunity to speak to my boss about the shit going on in my unit. No reprimands for anybody of course....may be taken off of my staff list and put in a different unit which is fine. I'm just so done with the whole thing really. Just need my peace but need my ego to get out of Peace's way. I am well aware that my worrying is my own OCD shit and though I've never been diagnosed with that..thank God...every one's got a little of everything and it's crystal clear to me that work woes is a topic that I take too personally. I wish I could just go there, leave and blow shit off but it's like I'm constantly playing these old tapes in my head and I rewind the mothers and play them back...angry at the whole shit of it. Got to get over it really. Just trying to find a way. I've just been praying about it like Mattie tells me.

As far as my fairy Godmother I haven't visited her again and I feel terribly guilty but the truth is I have not had time for shit. My apartment is a mess and today, the first day I would have had some time, I found myself unable to get up off the couch dead asleep as I've been unable to catch enough zzzz's all week. I finally had time to dye my hair today and shave everything that needed shaving...tmi..sorry...and tomorrow I take care of plucking and bleaching whatever else needs to be done.

And that's it. I'm wiped. Just fucking wiped. Say a prayer for me this week whoever is out there as I'll need it. I'll need it and I've needed it as there are too many days where I feel I'm at the cusp of losing the shit.. Just losing my friggin mind or whatever is left of it.

Valium-ing it up

My life has been unbelievably crazy lately and the anxiety has been back full force. Today, after visiting my doctor and visiting my fairy Godmother in the nursing home, I came home exhausted with the thoughts of all that is going on in my life floating in my head. Feeling guilt over not visiting my father today, knowing none of the children have today, feeling bad about my Godmother, about having left Tess alone too long, and mostly obsessing about the bitch at work who acted super obnoxious during a meeting today. So I'm laying on the couch with my heart palpitating out of my chest and finally, out of fear of having a heart attack, I thankfully remembered that I had a pill of valium that Dr. B had given me to take when I was having an implanting of embryo. I ended up not being able to take it as I didn't have a ride so had to do it sans drugs. I'm not a drug person so I split the shit in half and down the hatch it went. Jumped on here right after so hopefully it does the trick. I'm just tired. Physically, mentally, and emotionally tired. I find myself crying at the drop of a hat and I know this is in part due to my impending period... ugh. 

My doctor subtley brought up the topic of weight loss. Two doctors in a two week period. Not sure how to go about doing this really. Just feeling a bit lost.

Time will tell but had the thought this morning that I must take action in order to make change in my life. Gotta get my shit together to get my life in gear. I pray I can do it.

Trying to roll with the punches..

It's been an ass kicker of a week and I find myself with anxiety, obsessive thoughts, and unable to friggin sleep. My father is not well. Not the kind of 'not well' that impairs one physically...it's all mental...hallucinating nonstop, he even looks and sounds different. The night before after we'd left the nursing home my sibs were called back as he'd become violent with the aides. My older sib ran over there to find him surrounded by aides at the reception desk, sitting there calmly and when they asked him what was wrong he answered..I'm sitting here surrounded by apes...referring to the aides.. The only saving grace is that he said this in a different language. Sheesh. My other sib came down from where they live and ended up staying until 6 a.m. as he would not go to sleep though they'd given him 4 different meds to try and knock him out. Though I offered to come down my sib refused and truthfully, I was delirious as I'd been going since early that morning non stop and had gotten home past midnight getting the call a bit after 1 a.m. I could have gone but they probably would have had to give me something as well. I've been trying to see him daily and trying not to go on the days my younger sib is able to come down though it's a crap shoot when they're coming which is a bit frustrating...I'm tired.

At work. Hmmm...how to sum it up so that my hands don't fall off explaining it all. One of the chicks at work has been having a titty fit regarding their caseload. Now listen, I gave some of the investigations to others when I saw it was too much but right now they have one a month for the next several months and they wanted me to ask the judge for an extension...for a report due in January!! I tried to explain calmly my concerns but she ripped me a new one, actually followed me to my office screaming at me while I yelled for her to stop and that was enough..finally slamming the door and locking it. The next day I was in for some more. Amidst all this was calls from the aides regarding my father being out of control. I sat quietly in my office for a minute contemplating whether to cry or have a nervous breakdown. My day ended Friday with a trip over to court for a sentencing on a case and we were whisked away to safety when pandemonium broke out. It was crazy, adrenaline pumping kind of shit...and that my friends was the end of my work week.

I don't see the shrink this week. She's overbooked..sweet. I have to plan for emotional survival. At work the plan is to close the office door and just ignore people. Home, gonna just pace myself though the work week starts with me having to meet someone to do some work for my dad's business...that's after my real job on Monday. Sweet..again. My sibs and I had to take over his business. Did I mention this? It's been an ass kicker and a good learning experience...not much of a stretch as we grew up surrounded by it and my mother, even with her growing dementia is able to be a resource when we are stuck and unsure of how things are done. Interestingly enough she remembers how to operate all financials. Thankfully.

So that's my life. Never a dull moment. The anxiety is killer. The no sleep is killer. And I wonder why I can't have babies. I can't remember a time when there wasn't some kind of stress. It's exhausting. And the other day, as I left the nursing home, a thought came to me; why? Why would I want to bring someone into this world full of all this crazy ass suffering? How fucking selfish am I? But I guess we're all selfish, or most of us, as most of us do it. It would bring me joy and I guess that's what life is about. Just enjoying the little joys. It's what keeps us going and not drowing in our shit. Finding things that make life fulfiling and worthwhile. The thought of children does that for me.

Smoking....

I started smoking regularly when I was about 14 years old and I loved it..absolutely loved it, though towards the end, it scared the shit out of me. I officially quit smoking, oh I'd say about 3 or 4 years ago though in the past I'd occasionally have a drag when the shit hit the fan and I thought I couldn't deal with stuff. When you smoke, or when you're a smoker I should say, it gives you something definitive to do when you're stressed, upset, or otherwise unsure what to do with a particular emotion. For me it was always an alternative to eating and I admit it helped me lost weight when I tried to diet. Tonight, at a time where I would have liked to smoke I found myself eating mac and chees...I hate fucking mac and cheese and only had it in the house as Lexie loves it and she was watching Tess for me while I was away. I ate some, Tess ate some, and finally I tossed the shit realizing I was emotionally eating shit I didn't even like. Awesome. I haven't been to WW in about a month and I don't even want to go. It feels like it's not even helping to go and I feel like what would really help me is OA though why I haven't dragged my ass to a meeting is beyond. Well, the truth is, it's not exactly like my life has been anything but smooth but then again, whose life is?

I'm scared of my doctor's appointment with the new fertilility clinic. I think my weight is going to be an issue. And no matter how many times I say I'm going to lose some weight I continue to binge eat and try to assuage my feelings of whatever with food. It's my addiction and since I quit smoking it seems like I can't get a grasp on it at all. I'm constantly looking for that feeling of relief, the exhale out, the release of the tension, and no matter what I do it doesn't come. Part of me feels like maybe I'm self sabotaging, scared to live the life I've dreamt of dreaming. Who knows?

Smoking isn't going to help me with this one and I know they say when you quit one addiction you pick up another but in my case it's really that I picked up the pace on another one of my vices. What to do? I'm certainly not going to smoke again..that's out. I gotta find my way out of this one and I'm not sure how really. My therapist seems to have little to no experience with addiction of any kind so it's really not a resource. Gonna try to hit an OA meeting at least by next week. Will let you know if I make it.

Life's whirlwinds

So right before we left on our trip my father had gone into the hospital with a blood clot in his arm that caused it to swell to ridiculously large proportions. We thought he'd go in and that would be the end but apparently it triggered more damage to what had already occurred with the stroke and the dude began to hallucinate and become violent, was put on psychiatric meds and ultimately transferred to a nursing home where he is now. The hallucinations for the most part have subsided. When I tell you this is so unlike my father I cannot even explain. My father is one of those people who never gets their feathers ruffled...Never..Ever. Have never seen him explode in anger or yell a day in his life. When he's going to be an asshole to you he does it in a calm collected, piss you off even more way. It was needless to say a stressful trip as we'd left my younger sibling here alone with the situation and they were starting to unravel under the pressure. We visited him the same night we got in and the yesterday as well and he is so not the same but that's life I suppose. He's a skeleton and when we visited him yesterday he had just finished puking his guts out. We're hoping to get his new apartment set up as soon as the tenants move out though they're taking their sweet fucking time. On top of this his brother came in from the country he's from and he stopped by my mom's yesterday. I saw he was wearing my father's favorite baseball cap which pissed me off as last time he left with a brand new pair of my father's shoes. It seems everyone tries to take advantage of whatever situation they can. The women that are caring for him are not excluded from this, at least the overnight person seems to be. The day person seems to be excellent and I'm hoping this isn't all just an optical illusion.

As far as the trip went there's nothing much to say. Everyone was kind, everyone was broke. We gave out as much money to whichever family members seemed to need it the most but it's never really enough. What do you do? I would like to send my cousin Vanessa some money though it's awkward. She asked to borrow a few thousand from me earlier this year and I sent it to her with her promising to get it back to me this December which doesn't look likely. I'll send her some for Christmas though I know it'll never be the amount she needs. The economy over there is ridiculous really...what do you do? Aside from all that mess and I won't mention the gossip pool they've got rolling over there, we were stressed and quiet the entire trip knowing that my father over here was not well and my sib was falling apart. When we landed I could have kissed the fucking dirty ground I was so relieved and I slept the sleep of death on the cab ride home as I hadn't slept peacefully the whole trip...just an hour or two at a pop.

Ohhh, I almost forgot, I went to see a psychic over there who said without a cleansing she didn't foresee me having any children or a marriage as someone had cursed me. Now I believe in psychics but this chick seemed to just be looking for $$ so I don't believe it...can't believe it. She said more about a spirit of a little girl floating around me trying to get to me but mostly I had to lead her in the right direction and I've been to my share where you don't have to say shit so..that was that. It was kind of scary as I'd never gone to a potions type of person but ... Whatever. Life is life and my thoughts are I'll try to make mine what I want and if it doesn't work out so be it.

In a few weeks I go see the new doctor. I'm scared she won't take me. I was doing comparison success rates between that clinic and my old one but one of them used percentages and the other used fractions and Lord help me if I can try to figure it out. I did what I could mentally with my underutilized math and it seems like the new clinic has much better percentage rates but really I guess it's all up to God and the fates. Time will tell.

I'm tired from all of this but feel like I accomplished something just getting through it. I'm sure there's more to come and we'll see what that is.

Shit

I've been feeling more emotional lately. I actually broke down at the Korean food market in front of one of my sibs which is so unlike me I can't even tell you. My mom's old neighbor was there. She is like a grandmother to us or more to D really and I love her though I could probably do a better job showing it. She looks terrible. I looked at her and actually saw what she would like look in her casket; that's what she looked like. I broke down...I had trouble just speaking to her as it broke my heart too much really. I keep her savings in an account in my name and I just told her to stop saving any more money as she has too much in there (about 20K). She told me it's just in case something happens...code for in case I die. I told her it's more than enough for what she would need. She told me okay that she wouldn't put more away. Heartbreaking talk. Just heartbreaking. A kinder soul you'd never meet and she's been through too much in her life, lost her 3 little girls when they were all young...I don't know how she's not still howling at the moon in pain and agony really.

Today is my father's birthday. He is in the hospital. Also saddens me. He's not who he once was. It seems everyone is falling apart and pretty soon there'll be no family left except for the sibs as they're all just falling apart.

Looming in the background of all of this is my babies that don't exist. Yesterday someone came to my job with a 2 week old little baby who was just precious. The woman, who probably thought I was a complete loon, let me hold him. He was beyond sweet and I held him for as long as didn't appear crazy. She had 3 other kids and had stabbed the baby's father the day before. Awesome. This is my life. I get to see all the crack head criminals with their babies that they will ultimately introduce into the system, and I stand to the side and get bupkis. Awesome. But that's life I suppose and who the fuck am I?

So I'm feeling a bit sad and tomorrow I leave to visit my family and confirm my cousin's daughter in Puerto Rico. I'm half Puerto Rican on my mother's side. I'm there for 5 days with my older sib and with D. D is having a hard time with all of this and I'm scared of what will actually happen when my mom's neighbor dies (D calls them every morning) or when my father goes though I don't think my father will go in the immediate future, or when my mother goes as I have the feeling that she will go suddenly...just a hunch....what the frick do I know really?

I read a quote today about people not realizing that there's not that much time and it so resonated with me. My old therapist used to say that I was living the unlived life and though I don't completely agree with her it's haunted me always. The thing I keep thinking is that I spent so much time feeling shy, insecure, not good enough, not woman enough that I did neglect large parts of my life. The part where you throw some caution to the wind and try out some guys and the baby part. I should have done all of this when I was younger. Even now I don't try with men. It's the not feeling woman enough, or good enough. Mattie at work made me a feel a bit better this week. One of the guards at work has a crush on me and every time I see him he says something to me. He's gross btw. I tell Mattie and ask her if I'm being too pick and I know she'll shoot straight as she's from the complete hood and she says, "What!? You're out of his league. What is he thinking?" Made me feel better. Sometimes I worry that I've been too picky and hence ended up with nothing but in truth I think that the people who were interested in me weren't good enough and I knew it...except for asshole but asshole too really. Oh well. I could deal with no man, it's the no baby thing that is just killing me. Shit.

Anyhow, that's my life in a nutshell. Lexie will be staying with Tess here at the condo which I hope works out...hope Lexi loves Tess enough as she's used to a million hugs a day. I'm a typical insane dog owner but it's all I have really. So that's that. I'm hoping my trip is fun at least a little. Hope I get to sit by the hotel pool with a cocktail at least once. Just need a little peace...just a little.

Trudging along

I write less and less it seems mostly because what the fuck is there to write about? I have my appointment next month and I'm hoping she takes my case but I've read negative reviews about this doctor's bedside manner so I'm not hoping for much. One of the other girls who started trying around the same time with me is pregnant. She did it the old fashion way. So strange.  She started trying and was using my same guy. She met someone on match.com and actually talked to me about it asking me what she should do. I told her fuck the sperm, go for the guy because really, truthfully, that's really what most people want; the whole enchilada..not just part of it..and she did. She ended up marrying the dude maybe 2 months ago and voila, just like that, she is pregnant. Yup, just like that...just like it's supposed to happen. The whole enchilada. And yes, I had to block her shit from my Facebook page. I just can't read it.

Yesterday, my coworker Jill brought her baby in. The kid is about 1 1/2 or something like that and an absolute doll. She was wearing these pink footie pajamas and had a pony tail and was drinking from a baby bottle and looked just precious...like a sweet angel. I said to Mattie this week while flipping through Pinterest crap, that's what's the hardest, to see the little things people do with their kid and know that it won't be you. Dress them up, read to them, help them with whatever, get ready for the holidays...all those sweet sweet things. Jill's little girl would smile and then run to Jill and cling to her leg..it was just precious really and just sweet. That's what I'll miss if I never have a child, the sweetness of the every day crap.

So onward we go, trudging through this life. Next week I have to fly to see my relatives and do the whole confirmation thing. Not looking forward to it really...just want to be home and I haven't even left yet. Been checking to see if my fertility doctor gave birth...is that some sick shit or what...I don't know who's sicker..me or the fates that when I'm trying to conceive this doctor ends up getting pregnant..that is so my life right there.

Anyhow, that's it for now. I have a ton of other shit going on in my life but alas my hands have taken a beating this week...so I'll say goodbye for now.

Weekend with Family...round a trillion

Another lovely weekend with the family that ended up with my getting into a heated argument with my youngest sib. This is my version of it, and I say my version because I'm sure my sib sees it differently. So, we're all sitting around the table eating a late lunch/early dinner. I'm on one end near the phone, my mother is on the other with a sibling sitting on either side of her. The phone rings for the millionth time, I take it and hand it to my mother. My sib, sitting to the right of her snatches it from my hand roughly and says hello, apparently exasperated that I didn't say hello and answer it. I shake my head, give them a look and then try to not give it too much mind though I realize it's no longer a pleasant place for me. The phone rings again, I hand it to my sibling who while reaching for it informs me, "you might have to come back tomorrow to help dad with the meds". I say to my other sib who has my ipad and had been downloading something, "Okay, I think it's time for me to go". Sibling with the phone now yells, "Fine. I'll do it. Dammit, you don't want to do anything. I'll do it myself". I say, I've really had enough here today, between having a phone snatched from my hand, and being told what I'm going to be doing. They proceed to scream that they didn't tell me what to do rather they said I might be doing it. I'm yelling now and say what you're supposed to do is ask me if I might be willing to do it. They proceed to denigrate me and tell me I'm mean, I'm nasty, I need meds, I'm a million things. I say they need to look at their own behavior and they repeat the same sentence to me. I said I just said that to you. I go to my car, unload my father's groceries, come back inside and tell them yelling really that I don't need them to be abusive towards me, always sniping, always zinging, they try throwing it back at me and I lose it and tell them I'm tired of their fucking picking on me games, their self righteousness. It's how I feel. I apologize to D who I know will be upset, apologize to my mother for the scene and leave. The thing is I'm not really angry. I'm hurt. I don't know what makes ,my sibling think they can talk to me this way and disregard me because I live close by and just because. I drive home shaking. And listen, could I be wrong about all this? Yes. Yes, I could. But I would never say to my sib, 'you may have to do such and such'....they wouldn't even go for it. I'm just tired of that particular sibling's shit. My therapist believes their behavior is due to their bipolar disorder but why is it I"m always the one left to feel crazy?

So I came home and tried to calm myself down, ate half a huge bag of kettle corn or however you spell it popcorn. Chilled for a little while, received a call from the court to say they would not be open tomorrow due to the hurricane (shit really?), went grocery shopping, dyed my hair even though it was kind of super late to be blow drying it and jumped on here to finish this post.

I"m hoping to go into work tomorrow, finish some statistics I'm working on that my boss is pissed that I still haven't submitted and then hightail it home if it's not super busy. I suppose I'll have to wait and see. I have a bunch of candles in case the lights go out and I'm going to try and collect some water tomorrow in one of my big storage bins so if I lose water I can at least flush the toilet. I have about 4 gallons of drinking water which I think (hope) should be fine and that folks, is my weekend in a nutshell. We'll see what the week brings.

Stalking and other crazy shit I do

So I'm at the hospital waiting for my mom to get out of surgery....story of my life...this hospital plays a lullaby every time a baby is born...awesome! I go to the bathroom in time to see a man pulling up the car to take his newborn home for the first time....more awesome....pregnancy women everywhere ...fucking fantastic...there's no safe place here to hide...a virtual war zone for the infertile.

What most people do in the hospital is wait so I came prepared with my trusty IPAD... did a little stalking to see if my fertility doctor gave birth.....another lullaby goes off...mother fucker...and on my doctor's site she has as her background an egg being inseminated by a trillion sperm and it's like an arrow to my heart that somehow ricochets to my stomach and I want to write her a message saying, instead of showing off with what you do, practice chick....but I know that in reality it has nothing to do with her...it's me and my old rotten eggs...it's life and it hurts...but it's real. Shit.