Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

It's been a crazy weekend with one of my sibs falling apart and having had something stolen from their car...not good. They had asked me earlier in the week if I would loan them my credit card for a much needed vacation and they'd pay me with their income tax money. I'll be honest and say I was hesitant though I agreed. I don't think they get that I'm financially pre-occupied right now as I have about 8k worth of sperm on a credit card (which I mean to transfer asap), am unsure if this is the year I get a baby, which would also be financially demanding, and I have to buy a friggin car. I have some savings but it's not like it's tons of money...I have a mortgage and student loans from both my bachelor's and master's degrees..ummmm hellooo.. I found that I couldn't say no though but when I asked that they repay me in a lump sum rather than installments they kind of backed off but then had a break yesterday when the crap was stolen from the car so we'll see. They have an anxiety disorder which believe me I get but sometimes I just wish they would be a little more financially responsible.
Today, I woke up with my own feelings of anxiety for really no good reason. I'm just feeling overwhelmed with all the crossroads I'm encountering in my life at this time. My car is in really bad shape and I'm scared it won't hold up but I don't want to commit to a car that I'll regret if I don't or if I do, for that matter, get pregnant. I found the car I think though I've yet to see it up close and personal.. To my utter shock it's considered a luxury brand though it's not one you see every day. Bumped into it and liked it and used it cost about the same as any other which is kind of strange and I don't really get why that is but it is what it is. I'm just nervous as I hate to put myself in a financial hole. Tomorrow I go back to the RE and we start the IVF process again. I'm nervous...really nervous..more than I thought I'd be..it's working my stomach real good. I just keep hoping and praying that this happens and it's God's will. This could really break me and that scares me. I was looking up the adoption process for Haiti which for whatever naive reason, I thought would be easier, and found that it's quite complicated. When I see my connection I'm going to ask her if it really is as complex as all that. For now, I'm focusing on trying for a bio one. Focusing, hoping, praying, and dying of anxiety!

Crazy for feeling so lonely?

I had a dream about asshole last night..actually this morning as I think it was the last dream of the night so I awoke with it fresh in my head. In my dream: Kay was with me and Asshole was sitting to the right of me, though I was refusing to look at him, and Kay kept talking to him and asking him questions and pissing me off. I took her outside to tell her to cut it out and then I asked her, ..."how does he look"? Different she says, just weird and different. We go back in and lo and behold his face is weird..it's him but his face is weird..distorted. I wake up...get my shit together and I go to work and the shit is slamming us left and right..it's crazy busy. I find a second to tell Kay about my dream which she agrees is bizarre, and says maybe the universe is trying to tell you something. A client needs help. I go help the client and who do I see? Asshole...looks straight at me and at first, I'm confused..don't recognize him..something is different, though it's been a few years since I saw him last...a full beard...Maybe it's me but that is too freaky. Too close to the fucking dream..eerily close. I tell Kay..she says she's got chills..it's just plain weird in an eerie way. I call my friend Diana..she doesn't flinch..aren't you shocked? I ask her...no, you have that weird thing you do. We laugh. It's freaky. I tell Kay that I'm glad I told her as otherwise I would have thought my memory was playing tricks on me..that I was totally losing it on a road to crazyville. She says Gem, if you hadn't told me I wouldn't have believed you if you'd told me the dream after. Yes, strange and freaky..I laugh at the thought of my "psychic abilities" when I think of it as the day goes on.... and I think, I'm okay with the Asshole sighting..that I'm over everything..everything that was really nothing but it hurt like a mother effer. But I'm not okay. It fucks up my whole day. The whole day I think about him and his pregnant wife, and how maybe he was toying with me and how I blow things up in my head, and how I'm alone. 40 and counting and definitely alone.

Beyond the Irritables

When I was sick, and I've heard from others who've had the same type of cancer, I would get what I'd call, "the irritables". It felt as if I was going to crawl out of my skin and was just the most irritating sensation..it would get so bad that I couldn't interact with anyone as I'd bite their heads off. I'd lay in bed with a scrunchy pillow that I'd gotten as a gift while I was in the hospital, and I'd put the pillow between my knees and cry. Why between my knees? Who the heck knows but it's what felt the best..laying down on my side with my knees not touching..even as I write this I can clearly remember the sensation. Lately, I've been feeling something similar...it's not physical though, it's more emotional and it's all aimed at my mother and at myself. I've been eating and eating and eating trying to make those feelings go away but nothings been working. I think a part of it is due to the anticipation of starting the process of IVF again, and another part is genuine anger at my mother...anger I wish I could let go of. I pray each night for patience with her, for me to be a better daughter, kinder and more considerate. I think to myself Gem, she's getting old and this relationship isn't how you want it to be between you. But I swear when I'm with her it's all I can do not to grit my teeth and I know it's fucked up but it's what I feel and I hate myself for it.

Years ago, when I was a less disillusioned, more trusting person, I used to see these people who were so unhappy and I used to call them "people who suck lemons"; where you can see the unhappiness and disgust with life on their face; they'd walk around with a perpetual grimace looking as if they'd been handed shit on a stick their whole lives. I used to pray that I would never be one of these but I see myself sometimes in a mirror with an incessant frown pasted on my face and it scares me. I'm a lemon sucker! or becoming one..something that I never thought I could be. I used to be the person who always had a smile, a joke, and I felt I had a warm heart inside...I don't know where that person went or what killed her. There are just crumbs of my old self left and on that rare occasion when I spot what is the best part of me, I miss her. I miss how people felt about her and the feeling of everyone wanting to be with me. This person that I am today though, can't be around too many people, for too long, without snapping. I'm not sure when this changed or if it had to do with my sickness and what it did to me, or all the shit that I had to go through during my sickness and with the troubles with "D" and with nobody helping me. It was a very lonely desperate time for me. I was sick and had this other problem on my lap; a humongous, disgusting problem that I couldn't talk about and was trying to finish a masters and work, and get well. It was bad. And my mother had her head up her ass, and my siblings ran from the problem, and I couldn't reach them, I'd call them to ask them what we were going to do about "D" and they wouldn't take my calls..it was too hard for them..but not for me? It was bad; very fucking sad and very fucking bad and I spent months and months hanging on to my sanity by a thread and crying and not knowing where to turn. It worked out. I got well. "D"'s issues were addressed though it lopped a good 10 years right off the top of my life, and I "forgave" my family for leaving me alone to deal with all this shit. But you see, even as I write the word "forgave" I know that there is a part of me harboring that feeling of abandonment and I supposed after a while and countless times of feeling my family is not rooting for me, it has festered and become a resentment. It left me scarred..and work added to those scars. All issues that I would work out with a therapist..but even that is just irritating for me now..trying to find a therapist I can trust and trust that she isn't crazier than me. I started talking about this a little bit with the Canadians on Tuesdays. It helps a little though I have a tendency to ramble at times. Find myself feeling alone at times lately, and am hoping to spend some time this week with my fair Godmother. All things seem better after seeing her and I'm grateful. Grateful to have someone in my life who gives that to me.

A Quiet Desperation

All week I've been obsessing with the thought that I hope I get pregnant..ever since I spoke to the RE on Monday. I have to keep things in perspective and keep myself hopeful but not so hopeful that I set myself up for a devastation. I have two things that are better or different happening than last time; one, my fibroid was cut back, and two, I'm using a different sperm..one that I really want to take. I'm just worried that it won't happen and then wonder what I'll do with my life really...what plans I will have. I spoke to Kay about that fact that I now have to replace my car due to the tranny problem and explained that if I do indeed get pregnant then that would effect what type of car I get and I'd get something more conventional...if it's not in the cars then I'll rebuy what I drive now which is ridiculously unconventional by any stretch of the imagination particularly for a woman my age (ugh the sound of that..ugh, but true). She asked me if it didn't work, wasn't I planning to adopt? Well, I guess I'd have to cross that road but that would be down the pike as this has been emotionally exhausting and I can't continue on a race like thi; have it not work and jump into another battle in an effort to find my baby..I would need time to just collect myself and my disappointment. The thought makes me want to cry. I have two more shots at this left which isn't bad and the RE said she thought my chances were not bad...she didn't say they were good but when I asked her if they were bad, she said absolutely not..made me feel a lot better. So we'll see where it goes. I'm scared. I'm scared of what I'll do if it doesn't happen. A part of me gets so crazed at the idea that I think I'd sell my place, quit my job and just live a simple bullshit, hippy, go back to art life...just feels I'd need to shut down and just get away from all my coworkers who are mothers or wives or both and just so fucking proud of it all that they have to talk about it nonstop..Yes, I realize I'd do the same but it hurts nonetheless. I keep looking up shit to up your chances of conceiving..really not that helpful though they keep mentioning reduce stress..difficult though I'm trying to disengage myself from the bitches at work or I should say, continuing to try..I'm listening to my meditation CD on my breaks there which is somewhat helpful but not always and just trying to keep or needing to try to keep a low profile while there. The work has been relentless this week but I'm trying to just do it and shut up about it. I've been feeling cramping lately indicating my period is coming and the start of this rat race of injections again. I'm ready..I think I'm ready. Going to take some time off when the time comes and just be better to myself. Not always such an easy task.

Who's your daddy?

Went to the RE's today which went fine. She's a doll come to life really...sweeter would be impossible. So I ask her, "Doc, do you think my chances are still good"? She says, "Just as good as last time". Now, I've spent about the last 8 years going to doctors and clinics and the like at least once a month if not weekly and know what that means. That's the "I don't want to answer that or give you an opinion" answer. Last week someone asked me at work if the sonogrammer will tell you if they see something when they're scanning and I explained, that if they tell you they don't see anything but you need to speak to your doctor you can be pretty sure that's the truth..if they say, I'm only the sonogrammer, I cannot or am not allowed to give you an opinion..yeah, you're most likely in danger of being fucked. So I got that answer and was feeling shitty as I got my underwears on and the rest of my clothes. As I'm opening the door to leave she stops me and says, "Gem, listen, are you using the same donor"? I say, "Yes, but last time it really wasn't my same donor as he ran out so I'm going back to the original one"..."Great" she says and proceeds to explain that when talking with the lab person they said that those sperm did not thaw well nor did they fertilize well and another donor would be better. Now aren't I lucky that this dude isn't someone I'm married to? It's such an odd situation to be in to just be able to switch off. I bumped into the receptionist from my general practioners office in the parking lot, which is always weird to see her there as it's not like it's near where we live...but I digress...she'd told me last time her eggs and her husbands sperm were not compatible and they suggested either donor eggs or donor sperm...neither of which she is willing to do so she's just taking her chances even though they are less than 10%. She's there and she's doing it. I say that takes courage, faith, and emotional strength. Was just talking to one of my friends who I met through my sperm bank line who believes she is PG but from a guy she had a brief relationship with but no longer wants in her life. She asked me what I thought of her not telling him and I told her I was against it...baby needs to know who their father is. When I think about all of us "girls" who are dreaming of our babies and how we go about it and what's important to us, it makes me feel less alone..all of us going about it in a different way with different values and different lives but wanting to be mom's or mom's again. It really is something..it really is beautiful in a way. Hoping all of our dreams come true.

No Kids? What do you mean No Kids?

Since when do you have to remind a woman, any woman that she has no kids. If this is a decision she chose to make, believe me she's done a lot of explaining about it and needs no reminders and if she didn't make this decision by choice then again, believe me she is quite aware that she has no kids in her life. Fucking people. And then when confronted you cry and say it was a comment meant to just state a fact, "like you don't have blonde hair". I don't think so. Last time I checked not having blonde hair didn't break anyone's heart. What I wanted to say was so mean, it would have been irreversible; no amount of begging or pleading or getting teary eyed with apologies would have been enough to forgive what I wanted to say back to the chick. Hypersensitive? Maybe. But the chick is well aware of my desire for children, maybe not aware that I'm trying but aware that I want them or wanted them or what have you. I cried at work. Can you fucking imagine..I cried at work..not teary eyed..all out cried where I couldn't speak. Lovely. Just a quiet crying thank God. Still crying as I write this. I wonder sometimes what goes through people's minds about people my age who want kids but haven't or couldn't have them. You think this is easy? Easy is getting married at 28, buying a house with a white pickett fence and decorating it, paying bills with two incomes, getting a dog and having 2.3 kids or whatever the statistic is and making decisions with somebody else about how you'll take care of them....that my friend is easy and don't let anyone tell you it isn't. Ask a person who has been divorced for a year or two how much easier that life was and how unaware they were about how hard it is to do it alone. This? This is not easy by any stretch of the fucking imagination. It's not easy to go to school when nobody supports you, not easy to buy a house and pay a mortgage by yourself, get a dog by yourself, eat dinner most nights by yourself, and definitely not have a baby by yourself...that my friend is not easy. When nobody is down in the trenches with you all of your decisions fall on and rest on you, just you. Get a clue you marrieds, get a fucking clue. Better yet, don't talk to us singles unless you have something nice to say because you don't know about hard until you've had to do it all alone, year after fucking year..alone. Hard alone is much worse than hard with someone else...and I don't want to hear that the other person is lazy, doesn't help you, even that he doesn't have a job, cause unless they're beating you..puhhlease. It just makes me so angry and it's the second incident this week, though the first person I think was deliberately doing it to aggravate me. I told myself as I was driving home today to try and ignore these animals but it gets hard. I've been staying away from them but it's hard any ole way. Just have to keep the faith because really, what choice do I have? I know I have no fucking kids people, I really do but I'm sick of hearing about that fact as it's just stating the obvious..doesn't make you smart, observant, cool, or any of the sort and by the way you children bearing people...yes, to your children you are very special and good for you I'm totally and sincerely jealous but to anybody else you really aren't a genius and haven't done anything that was that stupendous..you did something completely natural and in most cases, you did it accidentally..so just shut your pie hole when you feel like saying that we don't understand because we don't have kids...just shut your friggin pie hole...I've wiped an ass before, tucked someone in and actually had about a gallon of urine in my car and on me before, cleaned a fucking nose...it's not rocket science my friend..you're special to your child and family so you've got nothing to brag to me about..you're not even doing it that well from where I stand..ass.

Dysfunction Junction what's your Function

So I have relatives here from wherever they're from, I believe I mentioned that...so another came yesterday that I'm not overly fond of. She's not really a relative it's the "by marriage" kind of thing. So this is the dysfunctional scenario for today: I had made plans with one of my relative to come over and fix a few things for me...long standing plans..I was to pick him up after work before I pick my sister up and run around like a loon. So I adjust..I roll...I get all my shit done during my break at lunch, run home like a fiend, put all the groceries away, take out the trash, get Tess ready and we're out the door. I call the mother...she tells me she has other plans for the guy that was supposed to come over...I tell her she's gotta be kidding..she says we'll talk when I get there..I pull over and start yelling that if that was the case what the fuck was I going over there for..I hear the guys wife says she'll take her...the same chick I don't like. Fine..I appreciate it. I call the guy, who is two blocks down from my mom's visiting a relative and tell him I'll pick him up. I get there his wife who volunteered to take the mother is there drinking a bacardi shot. Now,... absorb all of this shit. She must have fucking run over there as I was literally 5 minutes from there...and downed the shot quick as shit..why you ask? Because, I live in dysfunction fucking junction. Guess who can't drive with a shot in her? Nobody fucking can..Needless to say, I'm home exhausted having run all over the place for fucking nothing..Thank you..thank you very much. And yes, those flames are coming out of my ears. I wanted to smoke but I ate instead. I still want to smoke. Big surprise.