Family

Yesterday I spent the day with my fairy Godmother. My Godmother is one of those people who doesn't edit and doesn't edit in a loud voice. She will bring up the fact that my sister, who mistakenly felt she could share this information with her, had an abortion when she was 19 years old. Any time I spent time with her she says, so and so had an abortion, remember? I don't think that's something that anybody forgets. She also anounced during her grandson's baby shower (the fact that I had to go wasn't enough) that I'm using donor sperm and getting inseminated. Luckily nobody in the room was English speaking and I quickly told her this was private...not that I think this really makes a difference to her. Yesterday she says, so did you get inseminated? We were in the car but still, this isn't something you just blurt out. She also told me her, her son, and his wife were talking about me and how they couldn't understand why I couldn't find a man as I had such a pretty face. My usual come back for when married people say this is "why would I want to find a man and be married, so I can be as happy as you"...I don't know any happily married people. Anyhow I didn't say this, I just said, I don't want a man right now which is true, I don't. Later after this baby ordeal is resolved maybe I'll look for someone when a few years have passed. She asked me if I was pregnant and sometimes, even though I love these people and have respect for the fact that they're old and crotchedy, I still want to punch them in the nose. Have some sensitivity people. She proceeds to tell me maybe it's not God's plan for me....yes, maybe it's not but maybe it is and I tell her how I wouldn't be happy otherwise. She says that against her feelings she will pray that it happens for me (she was a nun for over 25 years..'nough said). I change the topic...a million times yesterday I change the topic and I practically kick her with my shoe out of the car in the drowning rain. I pick up her million pound dog from the back of the car and all her bags and quickly deposit them in her living room as my shirt, hair and jeans are drenched and my mascara runs down my cheeks...I don't care, I just want her out. Tess and I drive home wet as all hell but finally blissfully alone after spending about 5 hours with her getting her dog and my Tess groomed. Today we go to my uncle's for a barbecue. I always go when he invites us as it's the only family gathering that is actually enjoyable and I think this is mostly due to the fact that both he and his wife push drinks on everyone all day long and everyone ends up buzzed and happy..me included. I get there and am served cheap wine with ice in a paper cup and promptly proceed to get drunk. I'm a wine drinker and no, it's usually not with ice or in a paper cup but for whatever reason, whenever I go there, I drink it the way they want to serve me and enjoy it...I go with D ahead of the other sibs who are also going and meet my mother and our old neighbor who are already there. Our old neighbor is like family and  she's known all of us our whole lives. She had 4 children herself, 3 girls and a boy and the girls all died young from different illnesses and the boy was the only one who survived. This lady is like a Saint though she is nowhere nears a bright woman, she is an absolutely kind woman and D refers to her as Grandma and always has as she's known D since they dropped D off from the foster agency. Anyhow, she's not well these days and I think she is soon going to die. I just have that feeling. I love her to death and when I lived at home she would come over every week and clean my room for me, empty my ashtrays, and the like and I could always count on her to help me in a way I couldn't with my mother. I sat next to her and she explained she wasn't feeling well but had a doctor's appointment next month...I tell her to call the doctor tomorrow...I know she's not well. She asks me if I have any luck with the baby situation and I explain that I don't. She tells me, well, if it's meant to be it'll happen. And this makes me feel better. I always feel like she has a direct connection to God..have you ever met that kind of person? Too good for this earth? This is her. I remember her cooking one day in my mother's kitchen and her saying that the pot would not boil and she finally says, wait, I'll fix it...she takes the spoon and taps the pot in the sign of the cross and doesn't that mother boil. My sister and I couldn't believe it and she continued on as if this was perfectly normal. She's special and although I don't spend as much time with her as I used to, I'll miss her when she's gone. On the other side of me sat my cousin's girlfriend. My cousin, who is 40 mind you, has been dating this girl over 10 years but never proposed. She says she doesn't want to marry either but tonight when she was ribbed with this as usual she says it but it lacks conviction and I, in my ghetto wine stupor, say to her listen, if nothing else, have your babies, whatever you have to do have your babies. I whisper this as my sibs are across from me and my sister says to her, don't listen to whatever she's saying, she's drunk. I tell her, I may be drunk but I'm telling her the truth and she says next year and I make her promise me this is true and I tell her I'm going to check on her. She's 35..next year is a good time though this year is better. I tell her, your eggs grow old and those hollywood ladies are using somebody else's so don't think that doctors have a magic wand. She says she knows...we'll see. I had a nice time with her and my cousin, her boyfriend who is the only cousin geographically close to us and one of the only cousins we grew up with. It was real nice. It felt like we really had family. My cousin agreed that it was hard not to have family here in the U.S.. and it really is. It's why neighbors and Godmothers become family members because there's nobody else around.
The night ended with a trip to facebook to see what is up and one of the girls from high school who was pregnant had her baby. A little girl and may God bless. As usual it hurt only a little but the pain is long lasting. C'est la vie.

Quiet

There's been a quiet in my life this past week; in my life and inside of me. It's  a little unsettling as I'm used to the run run running of my life at 100 miles an hour, never stopping, just moving forward but it's been quiet. I've made no new acupuncture appointment this week and have been laying low after work each day except for the meeting with the Canadians on Tuesday. I've been verbally quiet as well and I guess it's just a time for contemplation and to try and regroup. Dr. B called me on Monday apologizing for not having called me on Friday and told me the films after the HSG exam were clear and that the corners of my uterus seem clear unlike last time which is a good thing, however, she didn't get a clear shot of the body of my uterus and therefore I have to do the HSG test again..fine...I have to wait for my period next month as it has to be done day 7-10 of my cycle...fine. She wants me to use a different place that does the test exactly like she wants..I ask her to please let me do it at the same place as the doctor was nice and I felt more comfortable. She says she'll call the doctor and see if she'll do the test the way she needs and she'll call me back tomorrow but alas she hasn't called and there is a slight feeling of anxiety waiting combined with a feeling of not wanting to know anymore.  A fear of knowing I suppose and of enjoying the brief respite in my life from all that baby making chaos.
There is a new girl at work that took Lexi's place..a nice girl it seems..young. And there is something I am seeing there..some sort of pain I suppose and I feel bad that she is lost in the crazy that is my workplace. I haven't reached out to her the way I normally would with someone new and scared as I work in a place similar to what I imagine purgatory would be..a step up from hell really where people are mean and cunning but it gets you what you need..paid. They're doing layoffs soon, I believe I mentioned..though I heard it doesn't touch us. We'll see... nerve wracking. Anyhow, I want to reach out to this girl but I feel empty right now. In the rooms of OA they talk about how you gain strength from helping others and perhaps this is what I need in my life. I will try and seek her out but honestly, I feel emotionally weak, just emotionally immobile right now. I will try though as everybody needs somebody and being alone is just crippling. I have Kay at work and if that wasn't the case I don't know what I would do. I'll reach out.
Other than that, I'm just waiting. I went on some sites that offer donor eggs and actually looked at some of the donors which was interesting. The one place near me offers egg programs starting at $25K not including meds or any of the IVF procedure...shit. Hoping this works out financially as I've sort of worked it out in my head. Time will tell.

enough really

One of the girls that I went to high school with just had a baby and two others are expecting theirs any day now. Am I totally jealous? No. It's not jealousy, it's something else that I can't describe. Something that''s sitting in the pit of my stomach, like when you find out your ex-boyfriend, who you're still not over, is getting married or having a baby or some other devastating shit. Not jealousy, just a dull and fearful pain. Yes, it almost feels like fear this sensation.

 I went to the acupuncturist today and when I explained where I was in the process she said to me, "I'm going to tell you a secret that I never told anybody else. My second son is from an egg donor. Even he doesn't know". Is this a small world or what? Any ol' how, it made me feel a little better to actually meet someone who's gone through it. But really, I've come to terms with the egg donor thing for the most part but I can't shake the feeling that this isn't going to happen. The acupuncturist, Dr. G, told me maybe I should take some time off to lose weight, get healthy, and mourn this experience but the truth is I just want to go forward, I just want to get this over with. And I know she was really saying why don't you lose some weight. While I was laying on the table with a zillion needles poking out of me the thought occurred to me that perhaps I can wait a year but really, I don't think I can. I spoke to Kay about it and she agreed that it was something that needed to just move forward. I'm doing my best to not overeat and control my food intake and try to drop a few though weekends are never easy for me for various reasons. I'm trying though which is more than I've been doing the last few months. I just don't want to wait. Partly because I know Dr. B has a limited time before going on maternity leave and I don't want to use another doctor. I like Dr. G but there's no connection, it's like there's something missing there and sometimes I want to just get up and get out of there. I didn't make an appointment for next week. I figured I'll play it by ear. I'm not sure if I'll go back.

Today is not a good day. Like yesterday I have this melancholic feeling hanging over me. This desperation. The feeling of wanting the world to stop for me until this pain subsides kind of like that technique they do for heroin addicts where they put them out until they finish going through withdrawals. That's what I'd like. Put me out until I no longer feel this sadness, this desperation, this feeling that my life is for shit. On top of this I have this anger at my family that I can't shake. I just feel like enough is enough with ignoring the pink elephant in the room. I just got a call from D that one of my siblings needs to go to the hospital due to a migraine. I went off on D which I feel bad about as it's not their fault. I just feel sick and tired of having to be available for them and they're never available for me. I feel like right now I am trying to mourn this and my family has not been there and still they can't even see that I'm in pain or even ask me what the fuck is going on with the pregnancy thing. I won't bring it up as they've blown me off too many times. I'm just tired of everything I suppose. Tired of pretending. Just tired. I feel guilt at ignoring their pain but enough is enough with their sick games. You're sick, do what I do, take care of it yourself. They don't even know that I had surgery in December or anything really. They don't ask so I don't tell. I'm just angry at them, angry at God, and angry at myself.  There are times I want to scream in frustration, just scream with the bullshit of it all but I can't without appearing completely off my rocker. But I want to. I want to scream and I want to smoke and I even want to drink...self destructive I know but it's what I want.

Bruising

Today felt really weird. Kay was back at work finally and I had missed her like crazy. The last, I'd say 3 days, it had seemed the pain had subsided a bit but today it was back...not in full force mind you, but just this slight ache and pain in my heart, a slightly bruised feeling of sorrow in my chest just hurting me ever so slightly. There was a little girl at work today..she must have been all of 1 1/2, if that, with cute little clothes on and the sweetest sounding chirping sounds were coming from the office and I finally took a look to see who it was. The colleague who was taking care of her mother later told me that the mother was pregnant again and also had 2 other children who had been taken away by children services due to neglect...isn't that just crap? Heartbreaking crap but there it is.
I prayed last night for God to tell me if I was making the right decision on the donor embryo and pursuing a child still and today, for whatever reason, I got the feeling that a baby just isn't in the cards for me. I know this really means nothing but it's a feeling I have, the feeling that added to my renewed sadness today. I just don't know what direction my life is going in as it seems like all the really big decisions are out of my hands and going nothing like I had imagined or would have planned them to go. It's just so painful sometimes..this whole thing is just so unimaginably painful...and I don't know which way to turn if this never happens for me. I don't even think I'll have the money left to try adoption. I still haven't gotten rid of all the books and baby clothes Diana had given me though I think tomorrow I'll box them up and give them to my mother for her friend's garage sale....no, on second thought I'll just toss in in the salvation army bin...avoid all the questions and the look of satisfaction on her face knowing that I can't have a child. It's hard not to be able to share this unbelievable sadness with my family but none of them were thrilled with my decision nor will they entertain the topic with me so I have to just sort of live around it when I'm with them. It breaks my heart and Kay, who has a very supportive family is always shocked at the shenanigans that happen with my family, the callousness really. You get used to it so it isn't a surprise but this pain has been one of the most difficult things to keep under wraps. I feel like someone has scooped out all of my insides and left me empty...left me with an agonizing emptiness. But enough about my pain...there are only a limited amount of adjectives you can use to describe pain before you start sounding like a drama queen or some badly written soap scene. I just have to find a way to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Just keep moving forward towards what? I don't know. Towards nothing. Towards the same shit every day. If there is no baby, I have to stay at my job long enough to pay off all this debt and then I'll sell this joint and move into a little apartment. In my head I go back to smoking and drinking fully caffeinated coffee, go back to art and just living for me, getting through it as painlessly as I possibly can. I know I don't talk much about what I do and who I work with but the meat and potatoes of my job is about children...fucked up children who are either fucked up because of choices they've made for themselves or  being raised by fucked up people or in the middle of a fucked up situation. Mostly we just hear the story and don't meet the children, just deal with the legalities of their situation or deal with state laws and shit but we do see these children mostly because when we see the parents they bring them with them...I can't do this job without having my heart broken for the rest of my life. My old boss, my first boss, a kind woman, had lost her child when he was just a little boy..her only son, and I never knew how she did this job. She would drink at lunch and drink more at home and she would pace and pace and pace the halls and frankly I don't want to do this, I don't think I'm strong enough to do this; to have this shit hammered into your head on a daily basis when you have no babies in your arms and you see all these babies get all fucked up by their fucked up drug addicted, crazy assed, self absorbed parents. I can't do this with no babies...it would just be a daily torture. One of the other chicks I became friends with also using the same cryo bank is in a similar field and also unable to get pregnant. She jokes that maybe if she smoked a little crack it would happen as that's what seems to work for the people she works with. It's not funny but it's a little true...I used to work in mental health and always remember the one client who delivered a baby in her room. She was schizophrenic and had already had 8 babies taken from her by children's services....it's seems the more fucked up you are the more fertile......crack addict = 10 babies, schizophrenic = 5 babies...no addictions and no (serious) mental health issues = you get bupkis. I don't know. I don't get it. I really don't.

$$?........$#%&*

I left work early today to go drop off the films at Dr. B's office. I had initially intended to mail them but was scared they'd get lost and the thought of repeating that shit is enough to make me cry. I was able to get some information today on the loan process to borrow against my pension and my coworker explained I can borrow up to 10k without gettting taxed from the pension program but I can also borrow from this other retirement account I had started when I first got the job that I completely forgot about. The money comes directly out of my check so I forget that it's being taken out. I'm getting anxious about the money thing mostly because my car is acting all rickety and really, I should be thinking about replacing it as it is 10 years old and I've driven it hard but alas that's not in the financial cards so I'm going to have to make do. I'm scared and anxious right now about the future I guess cause it feels like everything is up in the air. I'm curious as to what Dr. B thinks of the films as it shows that the tube that was badly blocked is now clear though I don't think at this point it makes much of a difference. So, any ol' how, I'm just trying to get to the weekend and to chill out. I've been restless in a weird way. I also have started to work on my weight issue again. I made a decision to start even though they tell you don't start a diet when you're trying to get pregnant but at this point I don't know if "they" know what the fuck they're talking about any way.

Back in the swing

I was supposed to have gotten my HSG exam yesterday, that's the test where they shoot the dye through your fallopian tubes...anyhow, I had called them on Friday to make the appointment and specifically requested a female which they assured me would be the case but I've dealt with these clowns before so yesterday, before I requested the time from the boss, I called them. Yeah, they said not only did I cancel my appointment but it's scheduled with a male...they put me on hold to double check as they are utterly confused and the manager comes on..."Is there a problem with your appointment"..Ummm, yeah they told me I cancelled and that I was scheduled with a male. "No, it's not cancelled but you're scheduled with a male"...I go over the whole thing how I'd requested a female she tries to put it on me saying perhaps I didn't explain good enough...a female...the thing with a vagina between her legs..that's a female..it's who I want performing the test...No, we have doctor so and so...yeah I say, I've met that dick wad...he's an ass...and this sounds like an inside problem to me not something I need to hear about so do you have an appointment with a female for me or not? No. Thank you and good bye...fucker...but I didn't say fucker..I cried instead because it's just too frustrating this process and I've really had enough...I call the other radiology place near me explain I need a female she puts me on hold forever and says she has an availability for me. I say "with a female"? She says no, no female. I say, (and I did say this) "are you guys all fucking retarded or are you just trained to act fucking stupid"...I hang up and make a note to never go there...I finally find a place about an hour from me and the next state over who has a female..I take the appointment for 12 though I know I have an appointment for "D" this morning at 10 and hope that I can hustle and make it on time.
I had asked my sibling to go with me to "D"'s appointment and one of them agreed to go. Of course when I say, you want to pick me up at work as it's right near there they say, No, I'll find it...so this morning I'm hustling trying to do my hair as I wasn't going to work I get a call from the sib...where is this place...I explain and think shit they'll be there too early as they'd already gotten to the town next door an hour ahead. I get to "D"'s program and lo and behold, no sib...we wait another 15 minutes and finally they arrive...awesome. We get through it, I go to the place for radiology, who by the way are super nice and make me start to think that it's just us New Yorkers who suck ass, and get home, crash on the couch. When I started writing this post, I was finalizing my decision not to go to OA and last minute I threw on the sneakers and went. I didn't want to go because I didn't want to answer all the questions from the Canadians...it's just that I'm exhausted by the experience already and it's draining. But I went and of course Sara, who is very pushy had very strong opinions about everything and really, who needs someone else's opinions. Sara had a very bad experience raising her only son and has tremendous guilt as she feels she did a shitty job and to be truthful, from what she says, she did do a shitty job. Apparently she was a wild woman when she was younger with too many boyfriends and she allowed one of them to beat the shit out of her son...left him black and blue and she let it happen and didn't step in so now her son has resentments. I adore Sara and she is very sweet and supportive and to be frank I can't picture living how she's described as she is a Hasidic Jew now though one of the other Canadians explained that this wasn't always the case. Anyhow, I spent too long talking with her outside and it was fine but really I need to make my decisions on my own. She thinks I'm making a mistake wanting a child though one of the other girls Shannon, agrees with me as she also has personal regrets never having had a child of her own. These girls are in their 60's by the way and all of them practice some form of the Jewish religion though Sara is by far the most religious and strictest. Nice girls. Anyhow, I went, I saw, and I didn't conquer but I'm glad I went though I didn't take back my responsibility of carrying the shit back and forth. I don't know where I'll be emotionally from week to week and didn't want to commit so...Okay, enough of me babbling.

Next

I went to see my doctor today and again I have to say what a doll as are her staff; just kind gentle caring people. I cried the whole time and couldn't enter the building for about 15 minutes as I couldn't collect myself. I tried calling Diana and Z and finally reached Mattie though she really is not the type of person you want to call when you're falling apart. Plus it's weird because we're friends but she sees me as her boss even if I don't see her that way... Anyhow I pulled myself together as much as I could and went in and waited forever which was fine as it gave me time to calm down. Of course the only other two people in the waiting room were there with babies...ugh. Anyhow the long and the short of it is she surprised me as usual. She said money being no object ideally she would suggest donor eggs with a gestational...money being an issue, she suggests donor eggs period. She said I could try again on my own but statistically it was unlikely to happen. She would like to again have an xray of my uterus and gave me a script for that. She went over all the steps we had taken thus far and explained that although my eggs looked good she thinks they are chromosonally not as they appear or she feels they would have flourished and taken. My uterus though there is a fibroid should have enough space to take an embryo but she'd like to check it again to make sure the fibroid hasn't gotten any bigger and invaded deeper into the uterus. She explained that when she cut the fibroid out, it kept coming back in due to the pressure of it against my uterus and the size of the thing..she'd cut and more would come in, cut and again more would come in. She said she finally stopped cutting for fear of preforating my intestine...so there you go. I spoke to the finanacial chick, also sweet as hell, who explained if I have any insurance left the bill would come to a little over 18K for a donor egg...wtih no insurance it would be about 26k...she said when I get my next reimbursement check from the insurance company, call them and see if there is any funds left and then I can call them. This is a lot of money for me though I have a bit in savings and I can borrow $10-15k against my pension (I think). If there's more I'll have to put it on a credit card and move on from there. If I don't get pregnant after all of this I'll get a second job and bang this debt out which is what I did when I first bought my condo if I do get pregnant I'll just pay it off slow. If the shit hits the fan I can borrow money from my father who is always offering money and I never take him up on it partly due to pride but mostly because I don't really need any. Anyhow, I cried hysterically on the way home, just felt so emotionally broken and defeated, and finally broke down and texted Kay, the person I really wanted to talk to, who texted me back that it was alright to call her. I feel bad as she's in Florida visiting with her parents but I just needed to hear a supportive voice. She really has gone above and beyond as a friend. Anyhow, I calmed down while pulled over on the side of the road in East Jabib New Jersey and right there called to make the appointment for the xray who, to add insult to injury explained I need a doctor's note saying I'm not pregnant before they'll test me. I call my doctor's office and they tell me to come in at 1p.m. when the doctor is in...I ask which doctor they say Almonte...the crazy bitch who told me to go talk to a priest as what I was doing was a sin...I hang up thinking I'll be waiting two hours for the crazy bitch to fuck me up, and remember there is a new walk in clinic near my job...I go and ther's nobody there waiting and they see me and give me the note within half hour of walking in....the guy who does the test comes in and says, "congratulations (I swear my heart stopped)...you're not pregnant"..sick joke but he doesn't know..shit. I go Monday to the xray and right after to see my endocrinologist who is a few blocks down from the xray place so...I will again have to leave work early and everyone is already talking shit about what is going on as I never take off and it seems like lately I am taking off every minute...I don't care. I gotta fight for a family. There is a quote that I have written on my desk by Yehuda Berg that talks about making change and how you can't just sit there but you have to stand up and make a bold move. I'll write it down and post it next time but each time I read it it's a reminder to me of how life works really; how we have to make our future and I believe that completely though there are things that are out of our hands. I need to keep moving forward because if I don't believe that there is a future for me, one that is acceptable to me in terms of finding life fulfilling and giving my love to someone other than to Tess, I can't find a way to go on...not in any type of healthy or happy way for me. I know people can live without children and without a partner of some sort but I've been without deep love in my life for what seems like forever and it's too empty, too empty for me.

Acceptance

I don't know what is going to happen and I guess I'll have sit with that at least for the next 12 hours. I meet with my doctor tomorrow possibly for the last time. She had asked that I call her to set up a meeting and so tomorrow at 11 I'll be there with my heart in my throat. It has been an incredibly emotional week for me and a week where I've had moments where I have felt more alone than ever before in my life and moments where I couldn't believe the strength and blessings of friendships. Kay has been supportive through all of this and Diana has been as much as possible considering all the shit going on in her life. She and Z came over last night for dinner along with Diana's two boys who are just precious. Z told me she is in and we had an opportunity to talk at length about the whole thing both alone and with Diana. Z explained that this was something she'd thought about at length for some time now as we'd talked about it before. I explained that I was worried because talking about it before consisted of us talking shit over too many glasses of wine but she insisted that she's given this serious thought and she would be totally fine going in on it. I'll see what the doctor says tomorrow. Z is overweight like me so she might not be a feasible candidate and if that's the case then I really am done I suppose. I've hesitated to write about what I was feeling on here I guess because I've gotten no feedback but I need these postings and I have to dismiss the thoughts in my minds about whether or not people are reading, are supportive, or what they think of me. This after all is only about me and my life and what I need; I share it only because it is a benefit to me as a sort of therapeutic outlet and I have to keep that thought in the forefront of my mind when I write as the writing is what is helpful to me not the followers. I've been praying for acceptance which has been going as expected; a difficult pill to swallow. One of the few people in my life who knows that I'd been trying said to me after learning that I'd smoked that I can't jeopardize my health and I have to look towards the future. An odd concept when you feel like you don't want to go on in this joint and you just want the world to stop for a minute but it hit home. This is not the end. It is a road block which I have no idea how to get around but I've had numerous obstacles in my life that I've overcome and hopefully this too shall join that list.

I bought Dr. B a gift. I had thought about it for several days how I wanted to get her something and finally today I found what I wanted but after I purchased it I thought perhaps it was weird that I was giving her a gift. I asked Mattie and she said when I mentioned it to her yesterday she thought it was odd but didn't think it was so much anymore. Anyhow, I wrapped it up and am giving it to her. It's nothing much. It's one of those Willow Tree Angel figurines with no face ( I put a pic so you can see) and it's called thanks for your kindness. It says it all really. I don't want to cry tomorrow as it seems like each time I see Dr. B I'm falling apart. I want to just listen to what she has to say, ask her if Z could be a candidate and if yes, would they do it there, and just try and walk out of there with a little dignity and not through the back entrance as I've had to do the last two times. If she says this is not a go and I can't do this I'll go back one more time to give in all my meds as I probably have a good 5-6 thousand dollars worth of meds in my fridge that I can donate to someone who can't afford it; Some cartridges of the follistim which I hear is super expensive and menopur also expensive, along with crinone cream, progesterone, ganirelix, a whole slew of shit. I want to get rid of all the baby books so I'll call the family shelter and see if they want them. The baby clothes Diana gave me I'll put in my mom's friend's garage sale though I'm keeping two items...a beautiful jacket and some cute shoes because you never know what the future holds but I can't have all this shit surrounding me and drowning me in grief and sadness. I'm am trying to have some closure here which is why I hurried up to set up the meeting wtih Dr. B and I have an appointment with Dr. P the acupuncturist to end it if that's where I'm heading...basically collecting and discarding what I need to, to help me move on. The only thing that I can't seem to find a way to get rid of is this lump in my chest that seems to be suffocating me but I imagine that dissipates as well with time. I'm worn now, I am. Diana mentioned today when I spoke to her that I looked spent as hell and that I have to get some sleep and she's right. I gotta start to take care of myself again. I have to slow down a little at least mentally and just cut myself a break. It's been a lot this life these past 10 years..actually my whole life pretty much has been just one stressful situation to the next and I guess maybe it's that way for a lot of people where you don't ever have a moment of peace but I have to start making peace in my life and with my life.

Awake

It's a little after 3 and I've been laying in bed for over an hour unable to sleep wide awake. Still in a state of shock I suppose. Just feeling so alone, so so many things really that I can't even accurately describe what it is I'm feeling...frozen I suppose...just frozen in disbelief. Unbelievably sad. Empty but full of emotions. I feel as if this is a death for me of some sort...a feeling similar to having lost someone. All day I felt the ache of my period coming and I kept thinking, is that a pregnancy symptom, and then I'd be like, Oh yeah, duh...so weird to have that sensation...after just a short period of time to be looking at every cramp as if it might be implantation though in reality a year is not that short. The periods for the in between months where you can't try never felt like real periods...never did for some reason. How do you put one foot in front of the other when a life dream, a major life dream is over? How do you go on? Like most women I just assumed one day I'd be married with kids and when the married never happened, it was hard, but I accepted, I learned to accept, made easier because it was cushioned by my drive to finally put into motion my dream of having a child. And then there was nothing..no dream. I've had other stupid little dreams...dreams of owning my own house, with a little yard, that sort of dream, the kind that doesn't hurt so much if it doesn't happen or have a time line that'll run out and be too late to really be exactly the way you want it. Not like a wedding that you can't really have at 50 without looking like a ridiculous bride, or children with the bio clock...a house has no time line. A house wouldn't make sense now. This place doesn't really make sense now with the extra bedroom and the kid friendly amenities... What dreams should I be dreaming about? I don't know. And I can't run from the world like I want to...from all the women in the world ..and it seems each one is pregnant and complaining about the symptoms of pregnancy and I just want to tell them go fuck off you dumb stupid ignorant idiot....you ungrateful bitch...but you can't without looking like a complete psycho bitch...so I sit in silence and try not to cry...and close my eyes at the hair salon today while getting my yearly haircut where I want to ask her to shave me bald but instead just close my eyes so I don't see the pregnant girl and don't cry when they can't stop talking about her baby "Elijah" waiting to be born and I want to say Elijah is a stupid over popular name..and you're hispanic duh...anyhow I close my eyes and cry on my way to my mother's where I'd left Tess to play wiht the other dogs, and then clean myself up so "D" doesn't see and so I don't have to explain to people who don't want to know any ol' way. And now I can't sleep. And you'd think it's all these thoughts that are running through my head overwhelming me but it's not...it's just two...I won't have any babies and I want to smoke...those two thoughts like a good obsessive person and that's all I think except maybe some wine would help but really...when does wine help?

Back to reality

I've gone through today in a state of shock, going high and low in all different emotional directions, and yes, I realize that this is my third post...I've already talked to all of my friends, some of them more than once, except for Ollie and there is no way I'm calling him. Anyhow, the reality is setting in that I will never ever carry a child in my womb. I could cry and scream simultaneously in frustration and I can't help but be angry at I don't know who...the fates I suppose..at God...at life. And it feels to me like I should be going through this with somebody but it's just me and Tess here...Tess who senses something is wrong but is just staying out of the way. There are parts of me that just want to self destruct, smoke, drink, eat myself into a coma...just stop my brain for a minute until this grief is gone. How do people get through this? I don't know. I don't know. It's just too much. Just gotta get through this weekend, this coming week, this month until my brain can just wrap itself around this idea and stop. How do you go on with nothing to look forward to? I'm not like those girls at work who content themselves with no children but millions of facials, or trips, or romps with men, or drinkning..that's not a life to me...not a life I want for me. And if I hear one more fucking person mention adoption I'll fucking puke. I know adoption...adoption costs money, adoption makes it so you never know what you're getting, "D" who I love is adopted but truthfully, I would never want to do what it took to raise D again...never...I know adoption...it's not out of the question but it is for now. I don't want to hear cheap easy answers...I just need to grieve and collect myself...pull myself together as I have to face my family tonight. I'm so fucking mad...I just can't . This whole fucking year...hell and torture...for nothing. I got nothing.

Some Hope, a smoke, and a bucket of tears..

Today has no doubt been a day of disappointment and my doctor finally called a little after 1 to confirm that it's a negative and to just briefly give me a synopsis of what she feels the issues are and where we go from here. Basically I think she thinks this is the end for me or at least for my uterus. She mentioned that my age, combined with my uterus, combined with what she politely referred to as my BMI (aka fat ass) are holding me back and at this point a "gestational carrier" is what she would consider the most viable option. She said the one good thing is that at my age I seem to still be producing relatively good eggs which is in itself a blessing  as most women my age..blah blah blah... I looked online for how much a "gestational carrier" would run and it appears that it's over 20k and can top 120k depending on who the heck knows what. I call my friend Diana who seems to always get my calls when I'm so hysterical I can't even talk. She tries to calm me down, apologizes that she hasn't called, I tell her I know we've all had our plates full of shit lately. I don't think I ever mentioned that Diana and me used to be a regular three musketeers with my other friend who I'll call Z. Z is a doll but we have grown apart though we still text and speak about one time a month....also Diana didn't want to talk to Z after the scandal with her husband...I'm not clear as to why it was so embarrassing for Diana to talk to Z about it but there it is. Z herself has one child, a teenager that she had super young, and Z is a full time student aside from working full time so none of us have had the time of day to really connect. Z and I always spoke about her having a baby for me and I brought it up to Diana to ask her if she thought I could ask her. She told me Gem, ask her..she said, "I really think she might". So true to form Z, one of the most unselfish people that I know gets a text from me that says, "I know this is a weird question, but would you ever consider being a surrogate"...she answers a minute later, "I told you, for you Gem, any time". I cried. She was at work and told me she'd call me on her break. She works in a children's psych facility...we all met, Diana, me and Z working with the psych population...we all did it for over a decade each and Diana and Z are still in the field...Z works with children and gets the shit knocked out of her every year at least once but she went back to school again for nursing thinking a career change was in order. Anyhow, she called me a few minutes after I spoke wth the doctor who said we should set up a time next week to meet and carve out a plan. I ask Z, Z, you sure...you need to think about this...she says she's given this lots of thought in the past and as long as it's not her egg, she's in though she'd like to wait to finish school...I explain about old eggs...ask her to think about it and I'll call her next week. That's my only hope except for adoption. I go out after hanging up with her and smoke a cig from my hidden stash...self destructive I know..not to mention how it sucks for my eggs but.... I don't know if this will ever happen...but it's a little tiny light...the only little light I've got on right now so I cling to it.

The End?

Just came from the doctor and it didn't really sound too hopeful...in fact she suggested I might want to consider a surrogate because of the fibroid she tried to correct in my uterus. I really have nothing else to say here. How realistic is this for a single person with limited funds? Not very. I'm waiting for her phone call and we'll see but it looks like I might be done here.

Nightcap

I get a call from my aunt...she's called me one other time in my life that I can remember. My father is sick and wants to go to the doctor NOW!! I tell her I'll call her in a minute, go to my fridge to look at the magnet of the walk in clinic to note that the clinic closes at 8...it's of course 8:30 p.m. I call her back tell her to have him get ready. I go to where he lives two towns over and call when I'm downstairs explaining there's no parking and I'm double parked please come down...Okay, 20 minutes later and one explanation to the cops as to why I'm double parked and still no father. Me and my father are not close. In fact we only started speaking to each other early last year after going about 12 years without speaking...why? the long and the short..when I was growing up my father would get angry at you and stop speaking to you...not for days..for months until you begged and begged day after friggin day for him to speak to you...one day I decided...two can play at this game...you don't want to speak to me..don't! and so the silence began. He finally called me at work 12 years later. So here I am at my father's pissed as all hell because really he could've taken care of this in the day time when shit like his primary doctor is open and why is it that every emergency I'm the first responder...all because I'm geographically closer and my older sibling, who lives in the city has the excuse that they don't have a car..grow up and get a car. So I go and I'm waiting and finally someone comes to say he's very weak and needs help...I say fuck it and park in a fire zone ...go up to his apartment and he's despondent...I say I'm calling 911. My aunt who has terminal cancer mind you agrees and says maybe he should have gone to the doctor's sooner..you think. Okay....talk to cops...20 minutes and what seems like forever we got some EMT in the house...the guy is a total asshole...acts like an asshole to my father and tries to asshole me and gets a piece of his ass ripped open...he tries to give me the business...he gets the hand...yes, I live in the ghetto and when in Rome....he finally chills out and starts acting like a human being and treating my father like a human. We are off to the ER where my younger sibling is meeting me...they text me to say they're there already and they "got this"....you got this? WTF do you got? I don't know really,,,,I'm just not having a good day so I don't know if I find this rude because it's rude or because I'm looking to tear someone's ass off. We go to the ER he gets checked by the doctor who tells us maybe we should go home as it's going to be a while...sibling wants to stay...I say ciao martyr..and home I am by just about 11 p.m. Awesome day! One more pregnancy test just to make sure and voila...piss on a stick..still negative and that's all folks.

Negative

I spent most of my day either hysterically crying, crying softly to myself, crying on the inside, or waiting for some privacy so I can cry. I finally broke down this morning before work and took a home pregnancy test...negative...very very negative...cried while showering, while doing my hair, while driving to work...closed the door to my office and cried some fucking more. Kay came in and of course right away she says it's too early and I stop her...come on man...we've been through this shit..it's not too early..it's too negative..but I love Kay and she's been my rock through all this shit and I know this is hard for her too. She's been praying like a fiend as has her mother..that's the kind of people they are..kind..Mattie came in today and I almost bit her head off when she suggested shit to distract myself this weekend...are you fucking kidding me..it's not like I applied for college and didn't get in, or didn't pass some friggin test of some kind, this is heartbreaking, life plan changing shit so at least, at least give it the respect it deserves rather than suggesting I go to the local fucking dog show...really! please. I have two tests left which I'll save for tonight and for tomorrow a.m. before I go to the doctor for the real blood test. I decided not to answer when the doctor calls tomorrow and just listen to that shit in private...I can't torture myself at work...again. So really, there's nothing more to say..I'm going to give it one more shot if I can come June and then this fight is over.

To test or not to test ..that is the question?

As I explained I bought a 3 pack of pregnancy tests yesterday though I had thought to myself I would only do one the day before I go to the doctor to kind of burst that bubble of hope and begin the grieving process if that is the process that needs to be begun.. I want to test. I want to test so bad. I went to acupuncture today and my doctor was shocked that 5 were put back in. Both of her kids were born via IVF after 40 is that a coincidence or what...yes it's a coincidence as I don't believe in signs any more. So she did her thing over me and I fell into a semi sleep. Today she put 3 needles in my head...a first as it's usually just one in my head, one in the forehead and other's scattered about...she said she needed me to get rid of all the crazy thinking swimming through my head and the proccupation and I dont' know if it's just psychosomatic but I actually felt so much clearer and at rest emotionally leaving there..I'm grateful though the one thing that continues to swim through my head is that I do want to test. She asked if I wanted an appointment for Saturday but seeing as I go to the doctor on Friday and will probably be a wreck on Saturday I told her next Wednesday same bat time same bat channel was fine.
I went to work today and I was feeling so scattered and crazy and even when Mattie came in, who usually grounds me in certain respects, I still felt scattered and unfocused so I called up my doctor to see if I could come in earlier which was fine and I left work early for the day. Of course as I'm walking into the building of my doctor's office I get a call from work that made my blood boil but whateva....better blood boiling out on my own than in that hell hole. I came home and made myself an early dinner as I was starving and slept for a little interrupted by a few panicked phone calls from "D" and scratching at my legs from Tess who did not want me to sleep...I want to sleep people!!! Can't seem to ever sleep uninterrupted either by others or by my own demons swimming in my head. I'm not sure if I mentioned that I'm not a sleeper. I think it contributes to many of my problems in my life, my grouchiness, my overeating, my constant fatigue. I have always wished to be one of those people who can go down for 7 or 8 hours straight....I will occasionally get 6 but it's never straight through....Anyhow, I'm tired all the time and naps don't seem to fare any better for me. I'm babbling now. I think I'll test in the morning and then once after work tomorrow. I'll tell you the truth though...I don't think I am. I don't think I'll ever be but that's our little secret I suppose. I don't even want the best part of myself to know that. It's too sad really and the best part of me deserves a little hope.

Gemma the Grouch

I am feeling overly hostile tonight and just wanted to get it off my chest. I'm just aggravated and annoyed at everything and I guess it's just anger at the fates and really, it's nobody's fault. Tonight I got emails from my sibling about mother's day plans. They want to go to dinner some 45 minutes away when really I don't even want to go anywhere...I want to stay home in bed and just say FUK YOU WORLd!!!! I don't want to go to some hoity toity place where I have to dress up to hang out with a bunch of people where I don't belong. I just don't want to go and especially not 45 minutes away which means driving in the car for all that time back and forth with these people...we never get along...get annoyed with each other and some poor asshole, too often it's me, gets stuck with a bill for several hundred dollars and never sees a dime from someone else. I'd suggested a local middle of the road place but no....and then I look like an asshole as I'm the party pooper. And you know what? I am. I'm going through something people..whether you choose to acknowledge it or not I'm going through something so just leave me the fuck alone..I don't care about mother's day. I don't. I love my mother but mostly she aggravates the fuck out of me, my siblings act even more assholic around her than usual as she annoys the fuck out of them too and we all end up miserable together so what's the fucking point of all this bullshit? I just want to crawl into my bed and you can come get me at the end of the year and see if I'm ready to come out...right now I'm not...right now I'm ready to just turn my brain off, my body off, put poor Tess in a kennel and just sleep for a year....just emotionally shut myself down until I can cope. Hate this feeling. Hate feeling so hopeless about this situation and truthfully, I don't know, I may be throwing a tantrum for nothing but I can't seem to help myself. I'm just tired folks. Just so friggin tired man. Gotta take some time off from work and chill out...regroup or what have you.

My own quiet desperation

For an ordinary Tuesday, this one was extraordinarily long. I had that quiet feeling inside...that full empty feeling that could lead you to a good cry in no time at all. Thankfully I didn't break down but I had my moments today. I find myself paralyzed at work and unable to do the most mundane of tasks. Truthfully, this is a state that I've found myself the majority of the year...present, but distracted by all the things occurring in the peripherals of my life. I ran out of body powder this morning, something I always use, and of course was forced to go down the baby aisle of the supermarket...I looked only in one direction, down where I knew it would be and veered out of the aisle midway where it splits and leads into the next section.  I get to the front of the store, pregnant lady, coming in, lady with a newborn, out in the parking lot lady about to burst she was so pregnant. Coincident? Yes, I'm not that lost that I don't know it only stands out because it's in the forefront of my mind. I bought some pregnancy tests while I was inside..I had initially planned to not test which is something I can do this time out...not excited...but then thought better of it...I go to the doctor on Friday which means she will call me on Friday while I'm at work...I can't be surprised while I'm at work nor do I want to break down while I'm there so I'll test on Thursday. I could cry this time out as it's just to close to the finale of my journey. I was talking to Kay today about how hard it was for me to close the chapter on the fairy tale of husband, house, child, 1.5 dogs et cetera and I had to just shake my head at the stupidity of that, of having that actually be an issue. Closing the chapter on this dream will be incomparably harder...just something that I can't even believe  I'm contemplating let alone actually doing. But I'll do one more and that's it...regardless of the cost as I'm unsure my insurance is footing this last IVF bill for me...I promised myself one more and I'll do it so I'll have no regrets but it's hard. And then there's that tiny, teeny tiny little voice of hope that maybe it took this time...maybe I got lucky and caught a break this time and I think, Please, please shut up voice, as you've spoken before and your words are just too painful in the end. These are my thoughts all day quiet in my head and heavy in my chest just killing me.