My name is Gem and I'm a COmpulsivesive overeater

Don't know if I mentioned, that I'd been going to oa for a few years and was working with a sponsor until she dropped me... I'll get further into this at some other time as I just wanted to drop a quick post. I went back to weight watchers today and I havens been there in a few weeks. I thought I had lost as for the most part, I had tracked but the weekend I'll admit was a complete bust. Anyhow I gained..2 pounds. Had a long talk with one of the workers promised myself I'd do better, came home and ate the house. What the fuck is wrong with me...I don't want to but for whatever fucking reason I do it.. I go back to oa on  Saturday..I don't know anymore. It feels like I'll never get it but the other people in oa say, I'm not special or different and therefore if they could, I can. I keep hanging in. I am going to elaborate on this in the future and the shot going through my mind but it's 130 a.m. So..

Hard boiled eggs

I just thought I'd post an update because I need to get it out and sort it out and just regroup. There has been so much going on and I just feel a little overwhelmed...more than overwhelmed really. This month should end a two year long fight to refinance a mortgage that got all fucked up because of one of my siblings although we don't acknowledge this is why, this is why. Anyhow, that really doesn't matter...what does is that it's been stressful and hopefully at the end of this month we'll be finishing this mess...God willing that is. I'm tired of it to the point that I don't care anymore and if you know that feeling, then you know that feeling it's a go through the motions because who gives a good fuck at this point...I'm just going through the motions as I'm exhausted and too exhausted to think but not too exhausted to react. I have to watch myself as my tendency to get mouthy with people might end up being the death of me or at least burn a bridge I might need.

The real reason I'm here today after so long is as an update to what is going on with the whole fertility thing. I had a donor, the donor backed out. Ended up with another donor who seemed awesome and I had my bill paid for ($25K to start..ugh) and everything and I got a phone call with some bad news today...because of the Zika virus my donor cannot donate until August because she had traveled to Columbia last month. I initially froze and wanted to cry but went in to talk to Kay at work and managed to just pull myself together. My option was to wait or choose someone else and really, who the fuck wants to go through all of that again. First off my clinic is in NYC...I live about 45 minutes away but it's a trek and I drive a very old wrangler...not a city vehicle by any stretch...it gets there but it's a little scary sometimes..whatever...really though I don't want to agonize over the dos and don'ts and what ifs and who the fuck of picking someone else. So I'm opting to wait. In the meantime I have several things that I would like to work on; First and foremost..my weight..I would like to lost at least 20 lbs and really more but lets not go crazy..20 is going to be an accomplishment as I can't seem to stop eating as of late and I've been going to weight watchers and OA and if I see that stupid ass commercial with Oprah saying she can eat fucking bread...sigh. Anyhow, aside from that, I want to get my kitchen refinished, my carpeting replaced and my guest room cleaned out and painted. I also, and this is a big one, want to get my License for social work. I have an MSW but never got the license that would allow me to practice therapy under someone else's LCSW license... I ultimately wanted to be a therapist but ended up getting into the legal field because Life happens but I do want to do that. They are giving a prep course in May and so... Am I sad about having to wait another 4 to 5 months or more to try? Yes, to the point that my heart broke a little but you know, it's not the first time my heart has broken and like anything else that happens more than once in your life, you get used to it. You do. So this little twinge in my heart that makes me feel like I'm choking is must sitting there and I"m not letting it grow or get out of hand. I'm going to acknowledge that this more than sucks and isn't fair but life is definitely not fair. I'm going to be so old when I have a kid..it's so crazy. I started this shit when I was 39 and here I have going to be 40 fucking 5..but I'm lucky I can try. I'm borrowing the money against my pension and it'll automatically be withdrawn from my pay for the next 5 years.. that's how I'm doing it. I also am using 10K from my savings leaving me with a small lump of money for emergencies.

I'm hoping to be able to jump back in here more than I have. I'm using a lap top which I hate hate hate but my desk top is too slow to type on..don't even ask. It's actually a big reason I haven't written because I hate writing like this. It is what it is.

So that's my story. I'm just praying about it and trying to accept life on life's terms because, well because what else is there.