Catching up

My father is home with round the clock care and the compulsion to go there every day left me as soon as he was home. I'm glad. It was weird and in the time I spent with him after so many years of a distant relationship I learned several things: people love him. I mean people LOVVVVVVVE him. I should be so lucky in my life to have 1/10th of the people who love him love me. He's loved and has helped a ton of people...a legend in his community...impressive really. I also learned that he is all too human and I guess as his adult child that is something I didn't want to know. The truth is that obviously I knew he wasn't perfect...I mean I no longer have the father/daughter relationship and haven't for about 20 years now which is fine. But I learned more than I could deal with and it made me feel that I didn't want to hang with him any more.

I'm going to put this out there because well, it's the truth, this is anonymous, if anyone does find out my true identity they were just nosey assholes, and last but most importantly, the reason I started this blog, aside from putting down my journey was to be a healthier person...so here goes nothing..

When I started therapy with this new chick, the reason she got my attention was she made one observation; she basically said the reason I'm single is related to my relationship with my father. Am I comfortable with this thought? No. Is it probably true? Yes. My father was not a horrible person. He really wasn't. But he was definitely emotionally abusive in a household that needed no other type of abuse. We all went through a lot emotionally with him or, wait, I'll keep it in the "I" and say I feel like I went through a lot emotionally with him. Between the period of time where he refused to speak to us, his flip flopping on decisions and taking things promised away from us, and his affairs, it was ridiculously unbearable at times. Compared to my mother's emotional rollercoastering he was the more stable, believe it or not. There's more but I won't bore you with the woe is me tails. He did the best that he knew how or maybe he did what he though...the bottom line is it's over. My idea of men if it came from him was not good and spending all this time with him I found out a secret. He has a sexually transmitted disease. There. I said it. It disgusts me. The minute I found out it was like I was moving backwards at the speed of light away from him...the straw that broke the camels back. Too human, too gross, too not what a daughter wants to know about a father. My sibs seem fine with it or at least they don't say anything. Me, I'm like get the fuck out of here. I visited him this past weekend but I'm pretty much done working on the relationship trying to make it something it's not. I feel like this is as close as I want to be with him and it actually made me feel closer to my crazy ass mother. Made me feel bad for her. This was the love of her life. It brought back memories for me of his affairs and our semi-awareness...the way things only partially register in your brain as a child when you're lost in your own teeny tiny school world. I remember being at my parent's business and the phone ringing incessantly and the hang ups and how this went on for years. How he was having an affair with a woman who rented from us..all the shit that you really don't register until you're older and are triggered by something else. It was a crazy life when we were little...scary a little too. There was good and bad like everybody else but there are still a lot of scars from childhood that I know my siblings share. I guess most people have their lumps that never heal. It is what it is. It affected me and though I don't credit it for my immense fear of men (oh yes my friend and you thought you knew me) it definitely added to it...that and some other unfortunate experiences...

So there it is...another secret... another piece of my mind out there. Feels better out than in.  I can't always own all this shit by myself and I have to put it out there...just release some of the pressure from my brain. I haven't been able to tell anyone about my father's secret as it's too gross and blech!! Haven't been able to tell Kay or Diana or Z though I think I would feel comfortable telling both Diana and Z when I see them maybe. It feels good to just put it out there and hey, I know people have bigger and badder shit about their parents but to me it just was too much I suppose. 

On the baby front it's getting closer to the doctor's appointment and I worry that they won't accept me as a client because of my weight...Who knows. I guess time will tell. I have this adrenaline just course through me when I think of it; a nervous energy, anxiety maybe? Not sure. All I know is that it's uncomfortable and I hate it. I hate that this is so hard for me, that it's been so hard and though I realize I'm not the only one, it feels like it. It feels like I'm alone. It feels like I'm alone with this desperation in my heart. This feeling that this chapter in my life is closing all too quickly with no baby in sight.

Yes, it's more of the same

I'm probably just annoying the fuck out of myself more than anybody else but whatever. I got my medical records today from my RE's clinic. The last note said, "patient upset that more information not provided regarding donor ocyte. Pt frustrated and will call back"...I wasn't frustrated really. What I was, was hysterically crying at the unfairness of it all. But the point is, the papers, like anything else related to resuming trying, made me feel bad for lack of a more sophisticated way of describing it. My gut tells me there'll be no babies for me. I hope I'm wrong but I don't think so. The thought of that is too painful so I won't think too much on it. The other thing I thought as I read the papers was that I should have gone somewhere else....somewhere with better stats, some place fancier. Coulda Shoulda whateverthefuck...I didn't and there's nothing I can do as the time went by and the money flew away and there's nothing I can do about it.

I was talking to the girl who replaced Lexi today....she's a bit odd in a detached sort of way but nice enough and I recently found out she's older (30) than I thought. The topic of men and babies came about and she said she was single though she wanted a family and worried her time was running out. I told her hurry up. Hurry up and put yourself out there as it goes by quick and yes, you can definitely get left behind. I suggested eharmony. It was a good conversation...the kind every girl who is 30 and thinks they still have plenty of time needs to hear...you don't have any time and hustle if you want it... What I really wanted to ask her but would never in a million years and this of course is my crazy little fantasy, is, would you ever give someone an egg. The thing is she's partly what I am, she's got mad ass curly hair like me, and she is bright with my skin coloring. I would never ask her but I can secretly dream I suppose.

Anyhow, this whole topic is giving me a fucking headache.... Living in a world where you fantasize about somebody else's eggs ain't easy...sheesh..

Where do you go from here?

Just finished dropping off "D" at my mom's. I felt bad as usually "D" and I do a lot of joking and goofing around and really, I feel at the brink of an emotional crumble. This has been by far the hardest time finding out I'm not pregnant..I was so close I can't believe I'm not but there it is. So I dropped "D" off after a somewhat mediocre stay which almost got worse when I felt myself unraveling with "D" and that I just didn't have the patience to deal today so I'm glad it ended before I lost it or was mean or both. I'm at a loss as to what to do if this doesn't work out..where do I go from here? What is it that I want to do with my life if there is no child in it and yes, I can focus on myself and perhaps meeting someone but that's just not who I am. That is just not enough for me..a man is not enough to fill that void.

I have been having this issue that has been bouncing all over the place triggered by a case at work..about molestation..my skewed perspective on abuse and what is normal and the realization that after a million years in therapy I only briefly touched upon what happened to me once, with one therapist, who I dropped of course. I'll just say what happened here like taking a big bad dose of medicine,..as quickly as possible. I was molested twice in my life or I should say by two different people...one a person just a few years older than me..maybe 5-6 years and one by an older man. One involved touching, kissing, groping all over and the other just attempts and one pushing of a penis against my ass while I was dressed..that's it. These things have recently been haunting me..don't know why as I mostly thought they were non issues...distant memories from my childhood which I assumed everyone experienced at one time or another or something similar..they've just beeen eating me up lately and I just don't know what to do with these thoughts. For whatever reason not being pregnant has made them worse. You see all my life I thought of myself as a non-woman, not attractive enough for a man and though I've been hit on by women, and have toyed with the idea or possibility of being gay, that's not who I am. I am not attracted to women but am scared shitless of men. I told you, I think, about the cop that I met recently who was so nice, and as usual, I ran..been doing that my whole life..ashamed of myself, my body just everything..just always feeling I'm not enough...not good enough. When my doctor told me to go ahead and try to have a baby I couldn't believe it. As weird as it sounds it was confirmation that I am indeed a woman and that someone else could see that too, not just someone to be dismissed. I envy people who just know that about themselves and I don't know where this went wrong in my life but I've always felt different, unattractive, gross, not a real woman though I know intellectually that these are not all true. When I was down to my lowest weight I was hit on and flirted with constantly..I couldn't take this, just couldn't emotionally take it..wanted to hide from the world and in essence, I did just that, gained weight and covered myself. I can't deal with my body. Going to the doctor this time, she's so not judgmental and it so surprised me for her to act like I was normal..it's been a weird experience..... nonsexual which made it easier for me to wrap my head around the concept that I am a woman after all..I don't know. I know this probably all sounds crazy but it's what is deep inside me and the secrets that I've struggled with. They say people have secret lives that they live and I guess this is mine, the shit that runs through my head. I guess it's good that I get it out and find out certain shit about myself, the ways in which my perception is fucked up, before I bring a kid into this world. Also, this whole non-support form my family thing is triggering shit for me. Feelings of being alone as a child, misunderstood, criticized for aspects of the molestation shit which don't really matter to explain it all out. Feelings of non-support during my cancer treatment. Just feeling that my family has never given me what I needed emotionally. I think at times there is something wrong with my family but at other times I think it's me there's something wrong with..the reality of it is I think it's a little of both. I realize at this late point in my life that my family can't give me the things that I need emotionally and really that's not their fault..that just is the reality of what they are. In turn I am not what they want me to be or react how they want me to act. My sister said last night that she can't believe what they (my parents) let me get away with. I think that I've always had an unrealist expectation of them and maybe they see that; maybe they see that I need something that they can't give but it doesn't mean they don't want to. We all have limitations after all.

I have a meeting at 10 a.m. tomorrow with several heads of several agencies..big wigs and I don't feel that I can pull it off but I have to go. I'm hoping they do most of the talking and I can just nod along..I don't want to go to work. I want to stay home and just cry and drink, and smoke and just carry on with my life by myself...with nobody but me and Tess and even Tess I wish wasn't with me as this can't be fun for her..thank God she's low energy and spends so much time sleeping..I just want to stop the world for a minute so I can catch my breath, or sleep for a year, or hibernate and decompensate for a bit, but I can't..mortgage, student loans, bills..shit. How did I get here? How did I get to such a complicated life, with a too complicated job, that I hate so fucking much? Why couldn't I have had something simple? Is there such a thing? I don't know.

Testing, one, two, three, testing...

So I bought a home pregnancy test during my lunch break at work. I know it's early but I had to be prepared for the negative and in the deepest, darkest, secret part of myself, I've been telling myself I'm pregnant. This is not good! I will be devastated tomorrow so I had to stick a pin in that friggin imagination balloon..sure enough..negative. I cried for a second..just a second of frustration and pitty party-ness..feeling like everyone gets everything,.. I get nothing, ..I'm going home to eat worms like a big friggin baby. It's painful..real painful...I want to run from my life but there's really nowhere to go so.. I go to the RE tomorrow to confirm and do an US and then we start again. Though I write this, there's a disconnected part of me that doesn't fully believe it because I don't want to believe it..don't want to believe that I've gone through all this shit for nothing..both of my ass cheeks hurt still from these shots, I'm hormonal as hell, and have close to 10K worth of sperm on my AMEX card and yet nothing..nothing at all..can you imagine? And I only have 2 more tries on my insurance. If I pull it together I can probably scrape up enough for one round of IVF on my own but then I have not one drop of savings...scary when you are trying to have a child...to do it sans a penny of savings. I don't regret taking the test as I can now grieve slowly and in private. I'm pissed though and hurt but I have to learn to accept this...do my two more tries and then ..

"D" is coming to stay with me this weekend overnight so I have to prepare my spare room and do some cooking, cleaning, and shopping. I like when "D" stays though it's also somewhat taxing..and it always seems that "D" comes when I'm not emotionally equipped but the plan has been laid and so ..

shit.

Just plain ol' UGH!!!!

I am scheduled for my third, count them 3, IUI tomorrow. Not looking forward to it as I'm not feeling well. I have an illness which I have kept secret for many years and nobody, not even my best friends know, and it just occurred to me as I sit here in pain that I can finally say it somewhere...here. I have an illness that effects only 1% of the population..it's embarrassing so I have never told anyone and no, it's not sexually transmitted...I guess it's somewhat similar to psoriasis except it isn't on any exposed areas of my body. The hormones are making it worse. It's not contagious nor deadly but it's painful as all FUCK!! I say this in capitals as that's what it is and there is no cure because as my Dr. explained, it effects so few people and isn't fatal but it hurts and I've had it since I was a child..no, even as a child I never told anyone...can you imagine? But as I explained I grew up more than real quiet and I'll leave it at that. It has stopped me from doing many things in my life and I could cry at the Fates that have given me this. It is so bad, you could give me the cancer I had twice more and I'd trade it for this. About 4 Dr.'s have semi treated it (or tried to) and I of course had to tell my RE so I guess people do know but nobody outside of my medical life know. My RE said she had another patient once who had it but only knew a little bit about it..I was surprised she knew anything about it but then again..the chick went to Harvard so I'm sure she knows alot about alot. I went through the whole day at work today with this shit and finally came home to do what I can to alleviate the pain. I would normally take advil but that is out while I'm trying to get PG so... I'm sitting here trying to calm down and trying to make this shit calm down with compresses and such..pain...I could cry I tell you..hurts that much. I heard it goes away after menopause and I'm hoping that's the case...so fucked up I tell y ou..just fucked up.

Anyhow, my RE said that if this IUI doesn't take she wants me to move on to IVF. I hesitate for one reason only; I was hoping to save the IVF for when I'm 43 in case I want another one but I say to myself, Gem, don't be greedy..do what you can and you might only be able to have the one..Okay, I'd be eternally grateful for the one and only ask that it be healthy Lord. Just one sweet and healthy baby..greedy would be 2.. Two healthy babies. I could touch them it seems so real..Hope and pray for them and that I stay healthy enough to raise them. That's one of my fears..that I'll die and they won't have a parent but I've asked my older sister if that is the case would she take care of them..and she said yes. She's crazy but she's very maternal so ..

Anyway, enough happy talk..shit's killing me..praying that God alleviates some of this for me.