In the name of the Father, the Son, and the.. holy doctor?

Went to work today and faced my usual barrage of crisis..left early for a doctor's appointment where some guy proceeds to have a half hour long conversation, as loud as you please, on his ear phone thing and when I look over he says to me.."I'm just as loud as the tv so I don't know why you're looking"..Oh yeah mo fo..I look like I'm shy and won't talk back..well..I proceed to tell him with my hand up as when in the ghetto do as the ghetto-ese or what have you.."I don't think so!..don't even start with me brother" ....thinking..because I'll get down and ghetto with you in two minutes...he shuts up.. with his conversation with me anyway. So I finally after an hour and fifteen minute wait, ...and yes, I need a new fucking doctor,.. I go in..Now I scheduled with a doctor who is not my usual doctor..why? Because my doctor will have you wait close to two hours and look at you strange if you complain so here goes with the ol' lady doctor eating a cinnabon with rosary beads around her neck and a lanyard thingy that says something about Jesus..I tell her why I'm there..need my levels, vitamin b12, vitamin D script..anemia blah blah..getting IVF.. and what does she say? "Are you Christian? God would not like what you're doing".. She proceeds to give me a lecture about religion, about God, my sins..et cetera.. Holy crap! I'm thinking. I look around. Surely there is a camera hidden somewhere with some fool waiting to jump out at me. You fucking kidding me lady? I go through my whole Catholic credentials (hello 12 years in parachiol! duh)...and finally after what seems like an eternity I get a script, a refusal to vitamin b12 inject me..frick you lady!..and a script for more blood work.. Whatever. Listen as far as I know, me and God..we're straight. I pray, I try to be a good person and harm no one with my words or deeds, and I think me and Him..we're cool. That's as far as I go. I don't need a little Filipino lady eating a cinnabon while she's attending to me giving me a God lecture..you and I lady..we're equals here with God. You help people all day and so do I..have done it my whole life and to those people I've hurt believe me I've paid in guilt as I can't remember a time where I hurt someone intentionally and if I did I definitely paid for it in guilt..so you got it lady..I've got guilt therefore I'm a good Catholic! as good as I'll ever be I imagine. This is the same lady that last time I saw her for a b-12 hurt me so bad with the injection that for weeks afterwards I had to have all injections given in my right arm and this during a time I was getting daily b-12's...swear she did this shit on purpose!) I'm mad that I even explained myself to this chick,and am now feeling stressed and defensive, and mad that after all that time in that frigging office, I walk out with not much help than what I walked in with..really just one vitamin script and more blood work! Shit. And for whatever reason, when I get out in the parking lot of the office (which is in a shit part of town and smells like garbage, mind you) I want to cry. I want to cry because this month..this month that I wanted to be "my month" has been too hard..has just been too hard and sometimes I just can't..just can't be strong..can't put up with the bull shit of life and the people in it. I forgot to mention that "D" called me while I'm in with the doctor to tell me they won't let "D" get work because "D" is hearing voices and "D" so upset says to me, but Gem, I'm not hearing voices, and I try to calm "D" down and yesterday as I'm walking into acupuncture I get a call from "D's" psychiatrist regarding a note from the program and what to do about it and you know what..I'm one fucking person and my one sibling, who last week was so "..you don't have to do this alone Gem.." doesn't return any of my texts regarding "D" and the other sibling replies by saying "ugh, weird" after I text them all the shit happening..so what the fuck am I suppose to do but cry just a little man because really sometimes it's just too much. It's just too much and I'm just too alone and I can't get peace for just a second to make one of my dreams come true... So yes, I think me and God ...we're straight because Lord knows, and I mean Lord knows literally,..I've had my share and I've tried to keep my chin up and roll with the punches and keep the faith and all of that but I've had my share and I'm still grateful because I know there are others who've had more so I thank God and I know He knows I'm grateful...I'm grateful for this life and grateful for the strength to keep on keeping on...for the ability to help "D" even if I unintentionally fuck it up for "D" or get angry or sit on the pity pot about it..I'm grateful for my job with a boss who is more than an asshole, working with coworkers who are emotionally warped,and egomaniacal assholes, I'm grateful..I just want my baby..just one little gift (btw the doctor reminded me..like I need to be reminded..that "babies are gifts and if I didn't get one..."..oh yes, she went there..)..so I cried a little and am crying a little sitting on the pity pot because I've had enough but thank God that I can take it. Amen.

Back on the Sauce

So this past Friday I went back to the fertility clinic, had my sonogram and blood drawn and showed her my med supply (they told me to bring it with)..come to find out I'm missing one which she explains I'll have to go to the pharmacy to pick up. The med is Lupron...a new one for me and the instructions go like this...I should be getting my period on Saturday...start the lupron on Sunday and then add the menopur and follistim on Monday..the nurse will explain how to do all of this..if things are different..we'll call you and let you know later today with the blood test results. I get a call as expected except she tells me I'm taking all my meds at once starting Sunday..continue for 4 days and come in on Friday..I say, "I thought I was only taking lupron Sunday and starting the rest on Monday"..no, no this is how it's going..Okay, I hang up because I tend to be a know it all so I shut my pie hole. Then I think..4 days..that's 'til Wednesday..then what? No meds? I call back..she says no it's like I told you and I explain but that means no meds for Thursday and Friday..she says hmmm..that's strange...Okay then start them on Monday and I'll look at your chart..I say listen,double check as I think I'm doing Lupron on Sunday and start the rest of the shit on Monday..except of course I don't say shit..I'm nice..I say meds...Okay she says I'll check but I don't think so..she calls...yes, you're right..blah blah blah..okay awesome thanks. Shit, thank God I was paying attention. Okay, I go to East Jabib pharmacy yesterday...and I mean this shit was far..I was following my GPS system with blind faith as I had no idea where the frick I was..somewhere in the next state is all I know..sheesh...and all I'm thinking is shit man, I still don't have my period..waiting all day for the thing..all night then..can't sleep waiting for the thing..this morning..nothing..I begin cleaning my kitchen taking the stove apart doing shit I never do trying to trigger the mother...nothing! by 9:30 a.m. stove is sparkling, as are my cabinets, backsplash, counters and sink, and I know it's not coming and use the emergency number to my doctor's office...speak to a nurse..Linda.. who seems more than competent..she says hmmm...were you on birth control? Yes. You stopped it when? Wednesday..yes, you should of gotten your period but your levels should have been controlled any way so go ahead and inject...you sure? yes, I'm positive. Okay, so I decide let's make a pot of coffee to give her some time to call back and change her mind but she doesn't call back so I gave myself the lupron...still no period. Oh well. We'll see what happens. Trying to stay Zen for all this. Have continued the acupuncture...gonna dye my hair today, vaccuum, and then to my mom's for Easter dinner. This month I think is different then the others. I don't feel hopeful but I don't feel defeated..I feel like I am going through the motions with a tinge of anxiety running through my veins. Anxiety initially triggered by "D" who by the way was seen my the psychiatrist yesterday. My sibling took "D". The psychiatrist was livid when she heard that we needed a note saying "D" is not a danger to self or others in order to participate in one of the programs in the community and according to my sibling, almost blew a gasket at find out they suspended D from the work program due to hallucinations...according to my sibling the psychiatrist slammed her thighs and let me tell you this is one of the sweetest doctors..I can't even picture her doing it..mumbled about incompetent staff, refused to do a psych eval (thank you duh!),and said, do you know how many people I know from that agency? We happen to know she's on the board of directors...I felt better knowing someone understood my position..she's calling them! Yikes..gives me anxiety as I hate problems but there it is..Hope this chick never retires but alas I know it's only a matter of time. God help us.

Wassssup??

Tomorrow I go to "D"s meeting. I'm trying to remind myself to stay calm, not be defensive and not to let the ghetto in me rear it's ugly head and just speak what's on my mind...only because it wouldn't be fair to "D". I'm nervous about the meeting as in my experience, and I've done about a million "D" meetings in my life, it's always "D"s fault..even when it isn't..it's always that there's something wrong with "D" and it raises my hackles. The stakes are different this time as it's not like when I would deal with the school...school is a God given right in this country..day programs are a privelege. So I gotta shut my pie hole. Not an easy task.

On the baby making front, I went to see Dr. B on Monday as I'd gotten my period on Saturday night which was perfect...I was so fearful that it would come on Friday though my cycle really runs more like 29-30 days than the usual 28..so Saturday made it better as Dr. B had told me last time that she wanted to count my spotting day as day 1 rather than counting the first full period day as number 1. She started me on the pill that day saying that she wanted my eggs to all catch up in maturity as though I always gave a good number of eggs..good numbers weren't shit if they weren't any good...of course she said it much more eloquently and didn't curse but that was about what she related. I'm on the pill for a week and a half (until next Wednesday April 4th) and then go in to see her Friday the 6th. Good Friday..interesting.

Anyhow that's it for now...praying praying praying and just trying to be a good person and make something of this life..

Me

I feel like I'm being completely selfish and maybe it's not just a feeling but the truth and I guess I'll have to live with it. So the whole thing with "D" kind of blew up because the chick at the program was freaked out going out with "D" who mentioned hearing voices....come on man! really? That shit freaks you out and you're working where you're working? Shit. So she said we need to have a meeting to eval whether D can continue in the program and blah blah blah. So the case worker from the other program who really doesn't do shit for him called me today..this mind you after what seemed like a million phone calls and email earlier this week...so she calls me today and says she wants me to take D to the shrink. Girl, he went to the shrink 2 weeks ago..it's called a baseline..D will never or has never been symptom free..I said to her..D has been hearing voices since they were 7 or 8 years old...an extra trip to the shrink is not going to make them go away...this is as good as it gets..."we need a meeting" and here we go... So I'm trying to get a hold of my older sib just to let them know hey this shit is going on and I'm stressed...I'm texting and sib keeps telling me to call but of course doesn't answer the phone but whatever. So I get a text from Sib about a doctors appointment D has next week and is Monday or Tuesday better for me? I was pissed..surprise surprise. I called and sib finally picks up..Neither Monday or Tuesday are good for me. How bout calling the other sibling who gets out of work at 4 and wouldn't have to take time off from work to take D. I said if worse comes to worse mom can take D in a cab and I'll meet them though I'd rather not. I don't want to do it. I am frankly sick of being the one who because they live in the area, is stuck with everything that can't be done during the weekend and let me tell you it's not that I do a ton of shit because I've drawn the line crystal clear in the sand in order to protect myself and also, if truth be told, because any time I've needed help I'm on my own. Nobody wants to hear about how I'm trying for a baby and next week is hustle week going to the clinic and starting injections again and I don't want to be stressed or exhausted or any of that shit..so next week is not good for me..figure something else out. I'm just pissed and I'm pissed that my sib is pissed that I won't. They commented last week that I'm not known as the nice sister...yeah well that came with time. Here is what fucked me up: It started about 10 years ago when my younger sib ended up in the hospital..mental mind you which came as a complete shock and was devastating for me not to mention for them as well....I call my older sib and am completely wigged out as younger sib sounded like shit..I tell older, Please get a car service and get over here as little sib is really fucked up...Older sib says, Gem, I'm sketching at Vera Wang and I can't do that right now...a week in the psych ward and never visited younger sib, nothing..Fast forward a few years..I get cancer and have to be in oncology for 10 days.."do you mind if I don't visit as it's hard for me to get there"..later that year crisis with "d"..nobody will answer their phone and are ignoring my messages pleading with them that I need help with this, that I can't find a shrink for D, that the situation is very bad..I'm talking for days everyone is scared to answer their phone leaving me holding the fucking bag. I have resentments..I admit it and am well aware. I used to have a close relationship with my older sib until the Vera Wang fucking comment..really, who do you think you are? How do you leave your younger sib with no family visit as if it doesn't matter and you are the sibling closest to the younger one..come on. And upon seeing my younger sib who'd after she'd been released from psych and come home for the weekend, asks me,.."how did you not break down when you saw (them)"..you don't visit for the week they're hospitalized and you're acting all emotional? Please! My reply is that it's not about me...they need me strong you dumb ass but of course I left off the dumb ass part. The best part is my other sibs are now thick as thieves and I'm the outsider but never once have they ever needed me whether they were in a hospital, in a financial jam (and believe me they've been in beig ones) or in some other type of crisis that I wasn't available and I'm sick of it. I told my older sib when they made the comment that I'm not the nice sister..I may not be the nice sister but I'm the only reliable one..never have I ignored a call for help from these people..who would do that? Anyhow, another vent session just to get the guilt out. I'm not even sure why I feel guilty as the truth is I do my share or I've done my share for too many years..I take care of all the shit with D's program, was the one who found the shrink after a million attempts, got D through the tortures of the school system and unless you know someone with a sever disability and have had to navigate them getting educated, you have no idea what this country is really like..still stuck in medieval times. Tomorrow I have an inservice in the a.m. and end my day with a meeting with the boss..can it get any better for a Friday. There's also some other shit going down at the workplace but another time.

"D"

So Friday "D" called me and sounded super upset on the phone and when asked explained that one of the workers at the day program who is a job coach and trying to find work for "D" told "D" not to waste her time if "D" really wasn't interested....so of course "D" obsessed over it all weekend and I must have heard at least a dozen time..Gem, can you call her, you gonna call her..Monday you gonna call? So today I coincidentally get a call from "D"'s case manager and I bring up the topic with her "off the record" and she thankfully agrees that this worker seems to not only be going too fast but is a 'bad match' for "D" and said she'd call. Thank you God! but I went ahead and emailed the chick any ol' way as I had promised "D" I'd have contact and I try never to break my promises to "D". It took every ounce of my being not to tell her off but I didn't..I kindly asked her to try and collaborate with me to ensure "D" has a positive experience while trying to gain employment. I wanted to rip her a new one though...over-reaction? Perhaps.. but this is just one of many assholes "D" has had to put up with and "D" loves day program...it's the first time in their life they aren't tortured by peers and I just need this chick to get it together. I know some would say call the director but this would only inevitably lead down to some type of ostrasization of "D"...and hey,I get it..I have coworkers and clients too and coworkers, in normal work places anyway, stick together and clients come and go so instead I shut my mouth and politely ask for collaboration to work together to keep this a positive experience..BITCH! ..no I omitted the bitch but I wanted to. Chick is pregnant (of course) any way so she'll be out of there soon with her know-it-all 25 year old self. 'Wasting her time'..who really says this to a disabled person who drools, rocks, hears voices, has a severe speech impediment, can't tie their shoes or zipper themselves... really chick..I'll give you whatever $10 bucks you feel "D"'s wasted in your life..for crying out loud...don't mess with my "D"! Ugh!! Anyhow, felt the need to vent this out. I have no babies but I got my "D" which is pretty close and I've heard people say they are like a lion defending their cub when it comes to parenting but for me it's beyond that..I am a dragon when it comes to that kid..Or as one of my siblings once said to me when she saw me in action when the school was messing with "D"...they said Oh my God Gem, you're an animal! Yeah, well.. pick on someone your own size. Pissed me off this weekend and made me more angry today having the case worker agree that she'd seen the same dysfunction. Ugh.

Money

Tess was sick today. Sick that she wouldn't eat and this isn't the first time this has happened. Last time I believe the grand total for a weekend of vet bills was about $4K..yes that's $4,000..so today when Tess ignored her food, ignored her favorite..peanut butter and other faves..I began to sweat...no peeing, no pooping, no eating and I thought to myself.. please Tess, please don't get sick right now when I have the car repair guaranteed to be at least $2,400 and I've got medical bills coming and I almost emptied my savings..please Tess. At around 8:30 I gave her a pill that helps with nausea and stimulates her appetite..the last of the pills left over from when she was sick...she ate..thank God. She is now happily chewing on a bully stick and acting normal. The worst part of having a teeny tiny dog is that they're so fragile...I didn't know she'd be teeny tiny when I got her...figured she'd be about 10 pounds...nope...half of that with a super sensitive stomach and an allergy to certian meat..can you imagine!? Ugh...that was another $6k to figure out..I've in total spent approximately $12k just getting this dog healthy and she's not even healthy she's just okay for now...but I love her so..what's a girl to do and she's all I've got for now so..
I took my other baby..my truck ..to the shop tonight and dropped her off..had the "check blah blah blah" light go on last night on top of whatever is wrong with her and the signal also just broke...the poor thing is falling apart but alas I've ridden her hard. She's been my sad car...a car I purchased getting over asshole; a poor attempt to cheer myself up and one I couldn't quite afford at the time...a car that saw me through all my cancer treatments, and going back and forth to graduate school when I should have been laying in bed, and getting lost when my memory was affected and all the trauma with "D" and now this..my long drives to the fertility clinics in the morning at the crack of ass ..the car has seen me through some of the worst parts of my life as an adult and it's taken a licking and kept on ticking..a good rough truck..who by the way my sibling informed me last night I was too "old" to be driving...yeah yeah so says the person who's never purchased their own car in their life and still drives one purchased by their Pappy! please. Anyhow, am hoping they can really fix it and that I don't have to buy another car..I can't buy another car right now..just want to focus on getting pregnant and I need all my pennies for that. Just read somewhere tonight that I can deduct the sperm purchases on my taxes though I think it's only if it equals a certain amount of what you earn per year...I'm going to try and look into it though as every bit counts.
Anyhow, in for a long day tomorrow as there are a slew of interviews we are doing back to back tomorrow...fun fun...and whoever gets the job will probably still be employed while the lot of us hauling ass get lay offs..hope not but time will tell. Truthfully, there's a part of me that doesn't even care about that..just give me my baby..I'll work at Mickey Dees and make it work just give me my baby..

8DP3D ET

So today was officially my 8th day post 3 day embryo transfer. I tested this morning and I tested again tonight..both negatives. I was going to post a pic of the pee stick but I figured if you're reading this you're all too familiar with what a negative pee stick looks like...it looks sad..it looks like it could cry all by itself sitting there on your bathroom vanity with just that one lonely line waiting for a mate that'll never show up. Ahhh, well, c'est la vie I suppose. I'll test again in the a.m. and then I'm off to the doctor and I am seriously considering just calling out. I'm tired. I cried all morning, cried all evening and spent the hours in between stressed by the drama of the bitches at work that can't seem to get along. I missed OA tonight..completely forgot about it except that "D", that sweet thing knows Tuesdays are meetings nights and called me to tell me it was time for me to go..cute that "D" always remembers...love "D" to pieces, like a child I've never had. Anyhow, one of the Canadians called me right before the meeting to say they were running late and I told them I wasn't going..they asked me about being pregnant and I told them...supportive as usual. I could cry from how sweet people have been..Lexi at work and the Canadians..sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet..people that show you kindness. Anyhow, I'm sitting here crying and feeling guilty and Tess has been bored out of her skin. I've tried to play with her as much as possible but when you're down and out it ain't easy. Anyhow, tomorrow is another day and I gotta wake up at the crack of ass to go to the doctors.

Praying

I grew up Catholic and I mean very Catholic...Catholic school, Catholic church, et cetera. I have been praying for quite some time..mostly all of my life though there were a few years where I tapered off and I began again in earnest when the "incident" at work happened and my fairy Godmother gave me the memorare of St. Bernard to say regularly. She was a nun for over 20 years and says it's one of the most powerful prayers so every night I've said this prayer for some time now and I credit Mary (the prayer is to Mary)for helping me quit smoking and keeping "D" and my nose's clean. I also pray to St. Gerard..patron saint of those trying to have a baby. Anyhow, the other day the chick that read my tarot introduced me to St. Therese so I've begun to pray to her..I definitely feel a connection. I just feel this absolute desperation at this point and other than prayer feel like there's no where to turn so I'm praying praying praying like a fiend..my every thought it seems is a prayer. Obsessive huh? I don't care. I just need this and I feel as if I'm grasping at straws. I think this is one of the harder things of doing this alone...if someone else is in this with you, you can obsess together...me, I'm obsessing solo and so would appear crazier than average..(ha, I made a little joke). Anyway, if anyone is reading this feel free to put in a word for me with the big Guy. I'm trying to remember to share the wealth as well and keep others in my prayers who are in the same boat.

While you wait

The anticipation of what I'll hear tomorrow is killing me and staying in the house all day isn't helping. I had nightmares last night of witnessing a stabbling, test driving a car (not a nightmare but strange), and lastly that Ling had been sitting Tess and that she'd gotten seriously hurt and I had to rush with her to the hospital with her guts hanging out. Tess is teeny tiny so you can only imagine my despair. So that was how I woke up to start my day, scared. I usually go spend time with my siblings on Sundays but when I texted to see what was up they told me they're leaving early to go back home. Sometimes I get so pissed at them as I'd wish they would consider me a little..consider telling me hey if you want to hang with us we're leaving early. I say us as they are a team...when they're together they don't think of me..it's only when the other person isn't available..painful but it is what it is and I have to accept as what real choice is there? There has always been a space between one or another of us. I don't include "D" as "D" really is our center of the universe..the reason we all see each other weekly. My older sib and I used to be super tight and the younger was the one who alienated themselves from us..never wanted to be with us only with their friends..beginning when they went away to college so it was me and the older sib..probably the least healthy of us all. Anyhow, the dynamics changed when the younger sib ended up in a psychiatric ward and the older wouldn't visit..too busy..showed me their true colors and I never forgot it. It was all compounded further when "D" had their crisis and the younger one, who promised to help would ignore my phone calls..I was left holding the bag not knowing where to turn..sounds simple but in reality it was smack in the middle of cancer and it was a crisis comparable to cancer...what do you do with someone who is dependant on a ton of meds when nobody wants to treat them...what do you do? What do you do when they're running out of meds and you don't know where to turn and everyone is refusing them help? Picture yourself sick and trying to cope with this by yourself while going to school and working full time. Not fun. Anyhow, I guess two things finished me off..when they told me I was having a nervous breakdown over the "incident" that happened at work and didn't want to talk to me about it anymore and I coulnd't stop crying..told me go get a shrink (which by the way I did and shrink told me I had PTSD..but yes, I'm "obsessive") and now of course when dealing with trying to get pregnant which they also are not interested in. Actually made the mistake of mentioning it to younger sib yesterday that I thought perhaps I wasn't able and they dismissed it saying well think about adoption..really? You can't even muster up, 'sorry to hear it' or 'why do you think that' or ask one fucking question? Okay, sorry my mistake. I only called you fifty times last week when you were having a meltdown over something being stolen from your car, making sure you were okay. Okay. Anyhow, all this shit is just eating at me today and really the real issue at hand is the question I keep asking myself if this pregnancy thing doesn't work out for me...where do I go from here? It's a sort of anger welling up inside of me..frustration, anger, desperation. I am having a little ole pity party for myself thinking, okay you can't have the thin gene, you aren't getting married, you belong to a crazy ass family, and no kids..? really? Hmmm...so what do I get here? Selfish and greedy huh? It could be worse..could have been poor, starving or a half wit.. I mean really, I could have been. But it still feels not right..I've really tried to be a good person in my life..at least for the first 30 years or so.Lived a life of service..always worked with the less fortunate and gave 101%.. Lately, I'm hanging on by a thread..praying praying but not really giving anything to anyone..feeling like I have nothing left really..just trying to hang onto myself and give a final go at making myself happy...trying for a last dream that I never thought possible..So I'm hoping tomorrow is good. Gotta lighten my mood to make it better put me in a positive more hopeful mood...a mood more in line with conceiving. I see the guy doctor tomorrow, did I mention? My chick is on vacation. Okay, well. Tess is barking and I look out to see the snow and the two little twin girls who live next door making their way inside with their mom. Too sweet.

Beyond the Irritables

When I was sick, and I've heard from others who've had the same type of cancer, I would get what I'd call, "the irritables". It felt as if I was going to crawl out of my skin and was just the most irritating sensation..it would get so bad that I couldn't interact with anyone as I'd bite their heads off. I'd lay in bed with a scrunchy pillow that I'd gotten as a gift while I was in the hospital, and I'd put the pillow between my knees and cry. Why between my knees? Who the heck knows but it's what felt the best..laying down on my side with my knees not touching..even as I write this I can clearly remember the sensation. Lately, I've been feeling something similar...it's not physical though, it's more emotional and it's all aimed at my mother and at myself. I've been eating and eating and eating trying to make those feelings go away but nothings been working. I think a part of it is due to the anticipation of starting the process of IVF again, and another part is genuine anger at my mother...anger I wish I could let go of. I pray each night for patience with her, for me to be a better daughter, kinder and more considerate. I think to myself Gem, she's getting old and this relationship isn't how you want it to be between you. But I swear when I'm with her it's all I can do not to grit my teeth and I know it's fucked up but it's what I feel and I hate myself for it.

Years ago, when I was a less disillusioned, more trusting person, I used to see these people who were so unhappy and I used to call them "people who suck lemons"; where you can see the unhappiness and disgust with life on their face; they'd walk around with a perpetual grimace looking as if they'd been handed shit on a stick their whole lives. I used to pray that I would never be one of these but I see myself sometimes in a mirror with an incessant frown pasted on my face and it scares me. I'm a lemon sucker! or becoming one..something that I never thought I could be. I used to be the person who always had a smile, a joke, and I felt I had a warm heart inside...I don't know where that person went or what killed her. There are just crumbs of my old self left and on that rare occasion when I spot what is the best part of me, I miss her. I miss how people felt about her and the feeling of everyone wanting to be with me. This person that I am today though, can't be around too many people, for too long, without snapping. I'm not sure when this changed or if it had to do with my sickness and what it did to me, or all the shit that I had to go through during my sickness and with the troubles with "D" and with nobody helping me. It was a very lonely desperate time for me. I was sick and had this other problem on my lap; a humongous, disgusting problem that I couldn't talk about and was trying to finish a masters and work, and get well. It was bad. And my mother had her head up her ass, and my siblings ran from the problem, and I couldn't reach them, I'd call them to ask them what we were going to do about "D" and they wouldn't take my calls..it was too hard for them..but not for me? It was bad; very fucking sad and very fucking bad and I spent months and months hanging on to my sanity by a thread and crying and not knowing where to turn. It worked out. I got well. "D"'s issues were addressed though it lopped a good 10 years right off the top of my life, and I "forgave" my family for leaving me alone to deal with all this shit. But you see, even as I write the word "forgave" I know that there is a part of me harboring that feeling of abandonment and I supposed after a while and countless times of feeling my family is not rooting for me, it has festered and become a resentment. It left me scarred..and work added to those scars. All issues that I would work out with a therapist..but even that is just irritating for me now..trying to find a therapist I can trust and trust that she isn't crazier than me. I started talking about this a little bit with the Canadians on Tuesdays. It helps a little though I have a tendency to ramble at times. Find myself feeling alone at times lately, and am hoping to spend some time this week with my fair Godmother. All things seem better after seeing her and I'm grateful. Grateful to have someone in my life who gives that to me.

Faeries, Thieves, and Showers

I was invited by my fairy godmother to the babyshower of her grandson who is all of 21 and his girlfriend who is about that age as well, is pregnant with her 3rd, count them, 3rd child (by different guys mind you). Anyhow, I was scared to go for a million different reason but I mustered up my courage Friday night and took "D" with me shopping which ended up being just okay and not as heartbreaking as I thought.. Really, I just chose several of the on sale outfits and shoved them in a gift bag...fine. Saturday I dropped Tess off at my mom's to stay with my sibs two dogs and off I went. I was greeted by my godmother's husband Jules who is a show-off but like my Godmom..honest to a fault. I come into the house and he promptly tells me that I better lock my purse in my car as his Grandson is going to be at the party and it won't be safe inside. Right off the bat I know I'll be fine..I mingle, I help clean, I help serve, I get buzzed, it's all good. Her presents were simple gifts really and even though I was unusually conservative with my gift, it was one of the more generous bags. The highlight of my evening was when my Godmother announced in her high pitched voice how I'm trying but due to the fact that I'm single will be getting inseminated! I wanted to ring her neck..I jabbed her in her 80 year old ribs instead and told her to hush it. And that my friends was another lovely weekend!

Me without my hat

I went to weight watchers this morning only to find that it was closed for removations. The chick from work was there too along with a slew of other people who were directed to go to another Town...two seconds from where I just came from (home)..I decide I'll go shopping. Now, I had thought I might go shopping after ww and had planned to bring my hat and put that crap on in the bathroom after the meeting. Usually, if I go out during the day, I have a prop, a disguise of sorts. Some glasses, a hat, a hood, whatever..so of course..left the friggin hat at home. I'm at a home store looking at all the knick knack patty whacks feeling all to conspicuous and lo and behold I bump into one of "D"'s old staff members...someone who knows way too many secrets about my family..someone I'd rather not see. So I do the chit chat, the kiss, the b.s. b.s that accompanies this type of meeting..and feeling like shit, abandon my cart and make a beeline to the exit. I decide I'll go to the department store across the way..get through the traffic and it's mobbed...what are the chances I won't bump into someone I know? Zero to none...trek across the parking lot past the fucking baby store..and jump on the thruway home. Weird you think right? How I don't want to be seen? There are too many demons, not skeletons, demons in my closet. Things that haunt me and hurt me. It's nothing I've done per se but shit I've been through and all here in this tiny fucking place that I wish I could leave with way too many people that I know...too many. If you spend 1 hour out with me in public you would say holy shit Gem, how many friggin people do you know? A lot. A whole fucking lot and it's the good the bad and the ugly..a mixed lot from a mixed life and I hate it. Too sensitive you think? Yes, absolutely too sensitive..guilty.

I'm home. I think of going to the 12:30 meeting near me but don't want to..torn between two lovers really as I want to get the info packet they're giving out today regarding their new program. Going to go out with my other sister later (I think)..the other sister who I never hang with and of course with "D" as my mother is away and my other sib is half way around the world for work.

I saw the new therapist again this past Wednesday. I want to abandon ship but I'm not letting myself. Gonna try and stick it out...try not to be too sensitive...not sure this chick is equipped to deal with me. I've always believed that in order to develop a good therapeutic relationship the therapist has to be stronger than the client or at least the client has to have this impression. I can be an animal so this makes the search that much harder...I can be an animal but I'm hypersensitive so the combination is one that really kills me..we'll see what happens.

The Doc

I love my doctor..my RE that is..have I mentioned this? She's beautiful inside and out and just the nicest person you can ever imagine..seems unreal sometimes. I'm at times a very nosey person..I say at times as there are others where you'd think I would want to know something and I really couldn't care less. So yesterday when I'm sitting with Kay for countless hours she asks me about my doctor..how old is she..does she have kids..where does she live? How the frick should I know. I never thought about it..never thought about her and you know what, sometimes you're better off not knowing. I think if it wasn't for the nature of my job, where you receive more information about people than you would ever want to know..their deepest, darkest and dirtiest, I'd probably be more inquisitive in general but well, it kind of changes stuff for me but when Kay asked, I quickly got to work digging...wish I hadn't. Ended up seeing a pic of her in an intimate pic with her family of her after giving birth. She has 2 children btw, both boys, and a handsome husband who is from the same country as her though his job is not nearly as prestigious as hers...she's early 30's and he's late 30's...I know exact ages but really what I found was too much information. Sometimes, you're better off not knowing that some people are indeed ..just human...lost some of that ethereal quality she had about her though she still is a sweety! You ever meet someone that you wish you could be even a little like? I think..how do you grow up to be a person like this..so nice, caring, loving and beautiful to boot? Don't know..something to strive towards emulating I suppose..(good luck with that one Gem)!

She called me today regarding the plans. She said continue with meds..blah blah and she was thinking..this is what she says..she was thinking I could probably remove these tubes myself..oh lawd!..will be removing them Monday night..myself! sheesh! I figure if I can inject myself in the rear..this should be a cinch..at least I can reach and use a mirror (her suggestion, the mirror).

Went to a meeting for "D" this morning as they are signing "D" up for a work program. They explained "D" felt 12 hours a week would be fine..I said, you know "D" has no concept of what 12 hours is right?..."really?"...yes, really...how bout we start with 8 hours as last time "D" tried working it was 2 hours a week and poor "D" was terminated..poor kid..terminated and devestated. Went to Walmart afterwards..a big trip as it's not that nearby..love that store! can't get over how cheap everything is there...you can buy Jeans for $20..sometimes even cheaper!! Bought a whole bunch of men's long sleeved t's for the weekends...comfy and I don't give a shit what they look like really as I feel gross about my body right now so don't want to spend tons on clothes. Went home and took a walk with Tess but really I think I try to do too much..I have to try and rest more.

Next embryo transplant..I have to take it easy..Doc implied it might not happen until February..that's fine too. Can't stress. I didn't mention that one of my facebook friends..my age...just announced yesterday that she's expecting again..her *cough..6th! She was looking for hand-me-downs...interesting..as I would have never thought to post a request..sometimes I think I'm a bit of a snob that way..expecting everything to be new for a new baby... Got a text today from an ex-coworker (who I don't particularly care for) saying one of her children (2 are currently pregnant..AGAIN!!) is expecting a girl! It's a girl! I really want to write back..who gives a shit you bragging moron??!!! but I can't so instead I just don't reply...can't anymore. Kay says, just think how great it'll be when you can announce yours..I suppose...you know you're a grump when Kay is seeing the glass as half full as opposed to you..Gonna try to stay positive. I do feel hopeful. Felt hopeful after hanging up with the doctor. She told me they had to remove more of the fibroid than they thought..it isn't a separate fibroid like Kay said, it's actually the one on the outside that's growing into the inside...lovely..whatever. I hope that if I do get pregnant I can ask the ob/gyn to do a c-section and remove the fibroid at the same time. My thinking is my chances of a c-section are high because of my weight...might as well kill two birds with one stone as the fibroid is too large for laproscopic surgery..it's actually larger than my uterus..scary so I want it out..don't need anything in me that might in any way be cancer. Waiting for pathology on the D&C which scares me...the word pathology itself scares me now..don't find anything please! So that's that..Monday tubes come out which I can't wait as it's beyond even describable of what it's like though not the worse thing I've ever had..thank God..just want to be able to feel like I don't have to walk gingerly with something hanging between my legs.

Oh, my sister called me today...surprising..but it was good to connect. Have to accept was is given rather than be disappointed that the connection didn't have what I was looking for. It is what it is and I have to be grateful as I need my family..disfunctional as it may be..

Not my Funday..

I don't know what it is about Sundays...for me they're never good..then again I think I'm starting to become a pessimist or maybe it's all the hormones. It seems like I'm super-sensitive lately...just spinning myself into a small bout of the blues. Today I dyed my hair and hung out with Tess. Texted my sister to see if she wanted me to pick something up on the way to my mother's. She tells me they're leaving as my other sibling was called into work. That's the shit with those two..when they're together nobody gives a shit about me but if one of them doesn't come down my phone doesn't stop..it really hurts my feelings. I went out with them yesterday and of course nobody asked about how my trying is going. I'd like to say I don't care but that's not true in any way shape or form. Just wish they gave a shit..really gave a shit..not just when they need me or when the other isn't around. I went to my mother's anyway and I shouldn't have. She was as usual, trying to get me to do what she wants me to do and having a fit when I wouldn't bend, though she tried all her tricks a total of 3, count them, 3, times...lady is a trip. Needless to say I stayed for less than an hour..feeling shitty about myself...feeling shitty about "D"...just feeling shitty. So Tess and I are back home and she's here next to me sleeping while I stew in my guilt and feel sorry for myself.. I did have a nice talk with Diana last night and even though it was only a half hour it always makes me feel like I'm not alone in the world and that someone else speaks the same language as me...I didn't even talk as it was mostly her shit with her husband but all the same, it made me feel less alone. I don't know..don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. I get my procedure done Tuesday..hope it doesn't hurt too much and start the new shrinky dink Thursday and hope she's not a total waste..I'm looking for someone who is sharp but not too bossy and not hell bent on her opinion being the only way. I'm not (for the most part) crazy...just somewhat tormented by too much shit. We'll see.

Where do you go from here?

Just finished dropping off "D" at my mom's. I felt bad as usually "D" and I do a lot of joking and goofing around and really, I feel at the brink of an emotional crumble. This has been by far the hardest time finding out I'm not pregnant..I was so close I can't believe I'm not but there it is. So I dropped "D" off after a somewhat mediocre stay which almost got worse when I felt myself unraveling with "D" and that I just didn't have the patience to deal today so I'm glad it ended before I lost it or was mean or both. I'm at a loss as to what to do if this doesn't work out..where do I go from here? What is it that I want to do with my life if there is no child in it and yes, I can focus on myself and perhaps meeting someone but that's just not who I am. That is just not enough for me..a man is not enough to fill that void.

I have been having this issue that has been bouncing all over the place triggered by a case at work..about molestation..my skewed perspective on abuse and what is normal and the realization that after a million years in therapy I only briefly touched upon what happened to me once, with one therapist, who I dropped of course. I'll just say what happened here like taking a big bad dose of medicine,..as quickly as possible. I was molested twice in my life or I should say by two different people...one a person just a few years older than me..maybe 5-6 years and one by an older man. One involved touching, kissing, groping all over and the other just attempts and one pushing of a penis against my ass while I was dressed..that's it. These things have recently been haunting me..don't know why as I mostly thought they were non issues...distant memories from my childhood which I assumed everyone experienced at one time or another or something similar..they've just beeen eating me up lately and I just don't know what to do with these thoughts. For whatever reason not being pregnant has made them worse. You see all my life I thought of myself as a non-woman, not attractive enough for a man and though I've been hit on by women, and have toyed with the idea or possibility of being gay, that's not who I am. I am not attracted to women but am scared shitless of men. I told you, I think, about the cop that I met recently who was so nice, and as usual, I ran..been doing that my whole life..ashamed of myself, my body just everything..just always feeling I'm not enough...not good enough. When my doctor told me to go ahead and try to have a baby I couldn't believe it. As weird as it sounds it was confirmation that I am indeed a woman and that someone else could see that too, not just someone to be dismissed. I envy people who just know that about themselves and I don't know where this went wrong in my life but I've always felt different, unattractive, gross, not a real woman though I know intellectually that these are not all true. When I was down to my lowest weight I was hit on and flirted with constantly..I couldn't take this, just couldn't emotionally take it..wanted to hide from the world and in essence, I did just that, gained weight and covered myself. I can't deal with my body. Going to the doctor this time, she's so not judgmental and it so surprised me for her to act like I was normal..it's been a weird experience..... nonsexual which made it easier for me to wrap my head around the concept that I am a woman after all..I don't know. I know this probably all sounds crazy but it's what is deep inside me and the secrets that I've struggled with. They say people have secret lives that they live and I guess this is mine, the shit that runs through my head. I guess it's good that I get it out and find out certain shit about myself, the ways in which my perception is fucked up, before I bring a kid into this world. Also, this whole non-support form my family thing is triggering shit for me. Feelings of being alone as a child, misunderstood, criticized for aspects of the molestation shit which don't really matter to explain it all out. Feelings of non-support during my cancer treatment. Just feeling that my family has never given me what I needed emotionally. I think at times there is something wrong with my family but at other times I think it's me there's something wrong with..the reality of it is I think it's a little of both. I realize at this late point in my life that my family can't give me the things that I need emotionally and really that's not their fault..that just is the reality of what they are. In turn I am not what they want me to be or react how they want me to act. My sister said last night that she can't believe what they (my parents) let me get away with. I think that I've always had an unrealist expectation of them and maybe they see that; maybe they see that I need something that they can't give but it doesn't mean they don't want to. We all have limitations after all.

I have a meeting at 10 a.m. tomorrow with several heads of several agencies..big wigs and I don't feel that I can pull it off but I have to go. I'm hoping they do most of the talking and I can just nod along..I don't want to go to work. I want to stay home and just cry and drink, and smoke and just carry on with my life by myself...with nobody but me and Tess and even Tess I wish wasn't with me as this can't be fun for her..thank God she's low energy and spends so much time sleeping..I just want to stop the world for a minute so I can catch my breath, or sleep for a year, or hibernate and decompensate for a bit, but I can't..mortgage, student loans, bills..shit. How did I get here? How did I get to such a complicated life, with a too complicated job, that I hate so fucking much? Why couldn't I have had something simple? Is there such a thing? I don't know.

Testing, one, two, three, testing...

So I bought a home pregnancy test during my lunch break at work. I know it's early but I had to be prepared for the negative and in the deepest, darkest, secret part of myself, I've been telling myself I'm pregnant. This is not good! I will be devastated tomorrow so I had to stick a pin in that friggin imagination balloon..sure enough..negative. I cried for a second..just a second of frustration and pitty party-ness..feeling like everyone gets everything,.. I get nothing, ..I'm going home to eat worms like a big friggin baby. It's painful..real painful...I want to run from my life but there's really nowhere to go so.. I go to the RE tomorrow to confirm and do an US and then we start again. Though I write this, there's a disconnected part of me that doesn't fully believe it because I don't want to believe it..don't want to believe that I've gone through all this shit for nothing..both of my ass cheeks hurt still from these shots, I'm hormonal as hell, and have close to 10K worth of sperm on my AMEX card and yet nothing..nothing at all..can you imagine? And I only have 2 more tries on my insurance. If I pull it together I can probably scrape up enough for one round of IVF on my own but then I have not one drop of savings...scary when you are trying to have a child...to do it sans a penny of savings. I don't regret taking the test as I can now grieve slowly and in private. I'm pissed though and hurt but I have to learn to accept this...do my two more tries and then ..

"D" is coming to stay with me this weekend overnight so I have to prepare my spare room and do some cooking, cleaning, and shopping. I like when "D" stays though it's also somewhat taxing..and it always seems that "D" comes when I'm not emotionally equipped but the plan has been laid and so ..

shit.

The Parents

Tonight I just got into quite an argument with my mother... Upsetting. I don't know at what time in my life, but suspect sometime in my early 20's, I became disillusioned and disappointed by my parents..I guess in just the realization that they will never live up to the expectation I had for them and really, that's not their fault, I mean, who the fuck am I? Maybe everyone at one point has this realization..it's cause a real break in our relationship ever since. Tonight my mother started the topic again regarding what exactly "D's" diagnosis is, wanting to decrease "D's" meds herself as "D" sleeps "too much' even though "D" takes these meds for auditory hallucinations. I don't get her, I really don't. Who does this kind of thing because it's hard for them to get their child up in the morning? Really? Cause it's a pain in the ass for you to get them up, your child should hear terrifying voices? I don't know. So I say, this again? And she starts yelling that she can't talk in her own house, that she has nobody to speak to and she's carrying on, screaming as usual, her usual rant that nobody gives a shit about her. I tell her maybe if you changed the topic..it's the same topic and if it's not that topic, you're asking one of us for something. She says, "you never do any favors for me at all!" Well I had had it. I told her that I didn't have to do any favors for her..that I did more than my share for "D" and practically raised "D" which she disputed..I asked her, "Tell me one school meeting I didn't attend? One program meeting I didn't attend? One doctor that wasn't found if not by me? Any significant part of D's life that I hadn't been involved in?" I was fucking livid. I have lost more sleep over this kid than she would ever know with all the shit throughout "D's" life..the time no doctor would take "D"...nobody wanted to take the case when D required tons of medication but had nobody to prescribe..when we had all the problems in school due to the "incident", when we had all the problems finding a school where "D" could exist and every fucking day after working an overnight shift before going to school full time I'd trek my ass down to the school flip the kid over my shoulder and take the out of control child kicking and screaming home because the school couldn't handle "D"... I sat for 2 weeks straight in "D's" class one year to try and figure out what the fuck was wrong, drove the kid to school for a month back and forth when D was suspended from the bus..yeah, I don't help her...WTF!!!!! And the times she's come through for me...Hmmm.. let's think..the one, count them, one visit she made to the hospital oncology ward when I was in there for over a week...she visited for a whole 5 minutes and had the fucking nerve to tell me she was visiting so and so..the mother fucker who had molested me as a child..knowing full well how I felt about that fucker..can you fucking imagine???? Fucking oblivious...even my father who barely spoke to me throughout most of my adult life wanted to kill the mother fucker but my mother? no, she wants to visit..and tell me about it when I'm trapped in oncology's isolation room...And I forgive my mother a lot...I don't harp or dwell on her hitting us as children..that's not even a blip on my radar of shit but do I remember? Hell yes..crazy ass woman would tear our room up and throw every single possession in the garbage..you think I exaggerate? EVERY single belonging you had would end up in the trash and this happened let's see...hmmm...can't count how many times I came home to a room full of nothing but your bed and furniture..no posters on the wall, no socks, no pants, no nothing..crazy..yeah and all the support she's given me now trying to conceive..can't even bring it up any more as I can't take the fucking hurt. I know my siblings think I'm crazy as they accuse me of trying to have a normal conversation with her..think she's incapable of talking about anything but her..my sibs words not mine..I don't know. I look at all my friends with the normal mothers who are supportive and talk with them and they go shopping sometimes or out to lunch and I think WTF? And let me tell you..there is a part of me that's made my peace with that..I'm not looking for Mrs. Brady here..but once in a while..can she just be a little motherly? Ask, how are you and wait for an answer before she asks you for something?

Sorry, I had to vent that out and I'm fine really. Just trying to clear out my head and talk it out. Sometimes I think I'm mean to her and other times I feel justified but in reality I wish I could ignore her little idiosyncracies and just accept her as she is..I try...I really do. The funny thing is every time I visit her I say a prayer on my way to not upset her or let her upset me..every single time and didn't I forget today because I took a different route and didn't pass the church that usually triggers my prayer? Ugh. If there wasn't a chance I had babies in here today would definitely be a take a puff from my stash of smokes day.

Crabby, frustrated, and plain ol' feeling like shi#

I'm on progesterone which I'm not sure if I mentioned here earlier. I started Saturday and of course it has all kinds of side effects that are basically like exaggerated feelings of your period. I'm crabby as all heck and sensitive and then I fluctuate between the two emotions and just feel plain ol' crazy. I went to see the new therapist last week and again today. Perhaps I'm not in a good place to judge or what have you but this one is a dud as well...when you're cutting me off at every sentence to complete it with whatever is going on in your mind...ummm, yeah,..no!At this point I feel like giving up but I really hate the idea of not having a backup therapist in case I start to lose it. Co dependant? Perhaps but realize I don't exactly get prime adult interaction on a regular basis.. I minimally interact with my siblingss during the week except for "D" and that's not normal adult conversation. My friends all seem to be going through a crisis at the same time so it's not like they need to hear my pidley shit so a therapist is ideal for me and I've had one for most of my adult life. I also have to add that depression runs in my family big time so I also use it as a preventive so that I never sink into a funk too deep to climb out of.

Last night I hung with the Canadians..well, one Canadian and really you can consider her a civilian. She asked me, "Are you sure you want to do this, have a baby?" I told her I was pretty sure. She said that when she was my age (40) she didn't want to have a baby and now she regrets it every day of her life (she's in her early 60's). I told her that I've heard this from a lot of people. Jecca at work who I'm currently not really speaking to, is one of my big motivators for trying..I look at her and can't help but see a sad life. I realize I'm not her and our thinking is different but the end result is..living life for just yourself is not my idea of living life. For some people it may be enought to amass wealth, or have a big house..to me that's all just bull shit. Yes, I need some things but I'm definitely not a keeping up with the anybody kind of person. That's just not what my life is about. So I have to try. I'm currently in my two week wait and will test on Sunday. I don't think I am for whatever reason..I just get the feeling this is going to be as hard as possible for me. Time will tell.

After the night

I woke up today with a deep sense of loss, as if I'd just gone through something. A feeling seeming so out of place as there really wasn't anything ever there but I guess it's the loss of a little bit of hope...all after just a moment last night.. I want to believe that it'll happen but like too many other things that haven't, I don't want it to be unbearably painful and put too much hope or make believe it will, when the reality is it might not. The truth is, I'm on the cusp of old, I'm terribly overweight, and my body has had more than it's share of poisons pumped into it both for medical reasons and from years of addiction to nicotine so..... My feeling is,I don't want to give up, and of course I'll continue as this was only my second time but I don't want to have endless months or even years of doing this as I've read so many other people have.. I don't know. Do I limit myself to 6 months..then stretch it to 7, to 8, where do you cut yourself off? Hoping it doesn't come to that and I guess I'm just going to have to see where the road leads me. Just feeling super sad today. Slept like the dead after taking 2 benadryl for a cold..was psyched to find it in my cabinet last night as usually I just use the claritin since cold meds are out (thyroid condition). So I slept and woke up what felt like a year later. Gotta snap myself out of this. I took Tess to the groomer today and she looks beautiful as usual. I always tell her that's she's my beautiful little girl and on the long way home from the groomer's I thought to myself..what if she is the only thing I'll have in my life to take care of..how will I handle that? I guess I just would as the thought of adopting doesn't appeal to me. I know some people may find that weird..it's not that I couldn't love an adopted child but I'm not feeling it for whatever reason. "D" is adopted whom I love with all my heart..the closest thing to a child I've had but no, adoption just doesn't feel right..but maybe later I would change my mind. Don't know if I ever mentioned here that I almost applied to take 2 little girls early last year..I believe I did..

Anyhow, for now I guess I just start again. Will see the RE Monday morning.

Shi#%!

Tomorrow I go for my sonogram which leads up to Friday's insemination..my first IUI. I didn't think I'd be this nervous but alas here I am pretty shitting. I had a fit of crying this past weekend that wouldn't stop. I blogged about it but there was too much to say and I never did finish that thought..maybe sometime this week I'll bang it out. I think it was the clomid that made me so hysterical. When I tell you I couldn't stop, I couldn't stop. It was right before I had to go out with my siblings including "D" so I had to call Kay to help me pull myself together. I sobbed and sobbed and in retrospect, though I blamed it all on the meds and hormones, I think it's the last remnants of mourning for the kind of life I dreamt of maybe just a little. I never was a big one for fairy tales but in my secret life, the one where I didn't have to be so tough and so brave, I did dream of one day finding my knight; someone who could protect me from the too many demons coursing through my brain and walking nearby. Still, when I'm looking at men, I look for the big ones. The ones that can really protect me, not only physically, but with enough balls to do the job. Not the ruffins (as my Godmom calls them) but just the one's that know not to take any shit and that a woman is not their mom, their buddy, or their physical equal. I don't share with everyone that this is how I feel. I have a thing about showing vulnerability; it scares me to let anyone know what my achilles heel may be..but I'll tell you that most of the time I walk around petrified that someone will do something to hurt me physically..men really...hence the life of a spinster here. Oh well. I do hope that somewhere down the line..when the baby or babies are a little older maybe, I can find someone. I real man, not this sorry excuse you see nowadays. I know I sound jaded..I am...I talk about it in therapy and I'm more open to it than I used to be. Trust issues that I don't want to pass down to whatever child ends up in my life. Speaking of...

Did I ever tell you I almost adopted two children? It was a little over a year ago and it was something that literally fell in my lap. The children were 3 and 4 years old. I was able to pull the history on them though and realized that they were from a seriously disturbed mother and changed my mind. I think sometimes maybe it was a mistake, maybe that was my chance. But in all fairness to myself and them I was not in a position mentally to take them. I had just had my "incident" at work, had left my therapist, and was hanging on for dear life. You want to hear weird? Last week the two children came in close proximity to me. I had never met them before but had seen pics and let me tell you....adorable. Not conventionally adorable but adorable. The person who has them seems to be taking good care of them so...but still at times I think what could have been. Maybe in another life I would have been able to cope but after "D" I don't think I could knowingly enter into caring for someone else that was severely disabled. If it was fate and a child of my own, I guess I'd have to find the strength from within, but to knowingly bring one into my life..no. This may sound selfish but any parent of a disabled child would probably tell you the same thing...though they wouldn't change a thing, they wouldn't volunteer to take one on. It's a heartbreaking experience...it still is and things are good with "D"...couldn't love them more..the best part of my life..the person I love the most..but it has caused me pain like I've never known or never thought to know. One of the girls at work who has a child with Autism and I always talk about this...how much you love them but how painful, not hard, as hard is a different topic altogehter, but painful, the situation is. Anyhow, another one of my coworkers is seeking to adopt through the state. It's mostly children who have either mentally incompetent mothers or else drug addicted mothers that the state has available. She was recently hoping to get one she knew had been taken away from it's crack addicted mother. Me, I dont' think I could do this.

So I go in tomorrow for my pelvic sono with an RE (male) that I've never gone to before and I'm shitting. I just hope I'm on the right path..have been asking God to lead me to the right path because I'm frightened and this experience has made me feel more alone or has magnified how single I really am. It has also surpsingly enough made me feel like so much more of a woman..I can't explain it. Just made me feel whole and happy with myself in a way I never have before. Overweight body and all I feel like I really am a whole person, missing nothing..It's a feeling I've never had before; that I am enough. It's good.