Healthy to survive by or something like that

I'm not posting regularly anymore and I'm okay with this. The fact of the matter is I've come to the realization that I have been pushing myself too hard in all aspects of my life for too long and frankly I have to give myself a fricking break already.

I started a new weight loss whatever. One of the ladies form overeaters anonymous recommended someone to me and I'm on day 5 and I really feel like this is something I can do..for the first time in a long time. The gist of the first plan (she changes them as we go) is carb protein fruit and dairy for breakfast, protein, grain, one raw and one cooked veg for lunch, same for dinner, and fruit and dairy for a night snack. Nothing in between and no breaking up a meal. The lady is also an OA-er and told me to pray for help getting through and as wonky as it sounds I did and it helped.

My next ivf was postponed due to zika virus..can you imagine?! Anyhow, at first I was upset but it's giving me a push to get shit done. Aside from the trying to lose weight thing, I signed up for my licensing prep course. I believe I mentioned this before how I have a degree that would enable me to work as a therapist but I never got my license..how silly is that? Well, not so silly is you were me me at the time. It was cancer and family crisis time at the time and I couldn't handle not one more little thing..not one and so I didn't...really I couldn't. Well, it's never too late though I'm terrified that I will fail and the truth is, I might. I haven't been in school in 10 years so it's not like the subject is fresh but I'm taking the prep course and hopefully they'll have a suggestion. It's embarrassing not to have it and plus, I want it as my backup career and also my dream career eventually...we'll see.

Anyhow, that is it. I'd like to say that I will log in here and keep track of my weight loss like a good little captain but that probably won't happen. I will promise that if this sticks, and if I lose, I will at some point post my losses..not consistently I'm sure but I will.

Today as I drove home from my OA meeting this morning, I thought of The Promises stated in The Big Book of AA, which OA also follows. I had been told if I hung in there they would eventually happen and today for the first time I felt like it was possible.

They state:   

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. 

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

I feel at peace in many areas of my life for the first time.  Not stress free because that's just not my life, at least not today, but I feel at peace about the food at least. I feel like it is possible to get off this fucking merry go round that I've been on my whole life and maybe this is only a temporary feeling, after all, it's not my first go at this, but I feel like this is different. I feel like this is emotional and I'm not freaked and it's a relief to feel that. 

My name is Gem and I'm a COmpulsivesive overeater

Don't know if I mentioned, that I'd been going to oa for a few years and was working with a sponsor until she dropped me... I'll get further into this at some other time as I just wanted to drop a quick post. I went back to weight watchers today and I havens been there in a few weeks. I thought I had lost as for the most part, I had tracked but the weekend I'll admit was a complete bust. Anyhow I gained..2 pounds. Had a long talk with one of the workers promised myself I'd do better, came home and ate the house. What the fuck is wrong with me...I don't want to but for whatever fucking reason I do it.. I go back to oa on  Saturday..I don't know anymore. It feels like I'll never get it but the other people in oa say, I'm not special or different and therefore if they could, I can. I keep hanging in. I am going to elaborate on this in the future and the shot going through my mind but it's 130 a.m. So..

Hard boiled eggs

I just thought I'd post an update because I need to get it out and sort it out and just regroup. There has been so much going on and I just feel a little overwhelmed...more than overwhelmed really. This month should end a two year long fight to refinance a mortgage that got all fucked up because of one of my siblings although we don't acknowledge this is why, this is why. Anyhow, that really doesn't matter...what does is that it's been stressful and hopefully at the end of this month we'll be finishing this mess...God willing that is. I'm tired of it to the point that I don't care anymore and if you know that feeling, then you know that feeling it's a go through the motions because who gives a good fuck at this point...I'm just going through the motions as I'm exhausted and too exhausted to think but not too exhausted to react. I have to watch myself as my tendency to get mouthy with people might end up being the death of me or at least burn a bridge I might need.

The real reason I'm here today after so long is as an update to what is going on with the whole fertility thing. I had a donor, the donor backed out. Ended up with another donor who seemed awesome and I had my bill paid for ($25K to start..ugh) and everything and I got a phone call with some bad news today...because of the Zika virus my donor cannot donate until August because she had traveled to Columbia last month. I initially froze and wanted to cry but went in to talk to Kay at work and managed to just pull myself together. My option was to wait or choose someone else and really, who the fuck wants to go through all of that again. First off my clinic is in NYC...I live about 45 minutes away but it's a trek and I drive a very old wrangler...not a city vehicle by any stretch...it gets there but it's a little scary sometimes..whatever...really though I don't want to agonize over the dos and don'ts and what ifs and who the fuck of picking someone else. So I'm opting to wait. In the meantime I have several things that I would like to work on; First and foremost..my weight..I would like to lost at least 20 lbs and really more but lets not go crazy..20 is going to be an accomplishment as I can't seem to stop eating as of late and I've been going to weight watchers and OA and if I see that stupid ass commercial with Oprah saying she can eat fucking bread...sigh. Anyhow, aside from that, I want to get my kitchen refinished, my carpeting replaced and my guest room cleaned out and painted. I also, and this is a big one, want to get my License for social work. I have an MSW but never got the license that would allow me to practice therapy under someone else's LCSW license... I ultimately wanted to be a therapist but ended up getting into the legal field because Life happens but I do want to do that. They are giving a prep course in May and so... Am I sad about having to wait another 4 to 5 months or more to try? Yes, to the point that my heart broke a little but you know, it's not the first time my heart has broken and like anything else that happens more than once in your life, you get used to it. You do. So this little twinge in my heart that makes me feel like I'm choking is must sitting there and I"m not letting it grow or get out of hand. I'm going to acknowledge that this more than sucks and isn't fair but life is definitely not fair. I'm going to be so old when I have a kid..it's so crazy. I started this shit when I was 39 and here I have going to be 40 fucking 5..but I'm lucky I can try. I'm borrowing the money against my pension and it'll automatically be withdrawn from my pay for the next 5 years.. that's how I'm doing it. I also am using 10K from my savings leaving me with a small lump of money for emergencies.

I'm hoping to be able to jump back in here more than I have. I'm using a lap top which I hate hate hate but my desk top is too slow to type on..don't even ask. It's actually a big reason I haven't written because I hate writing like this. It is what it is.

So that's my story. I'm just praying about it and trying to accept life on life's terms because, well because what else is there.