Getting poked

My period has yet to rear it's ugly head and at this point it feels like it'll never come. Never have I wanted it more...please please please God and I'll be good. Anyhow, had the blood work and started on the Lupron 10 units5 days ago. It's like riding a bike and even I am shocked at how easy I inject myself like nothing. The nurse said I should get my period by the 10th day and to call if it doesn't come and then come in on day 3 of "the period". This is so crazy not having it.

I'm reading this book...yes reading...something I haven't been able to successfully do since I quit smoking. I used to read like a fiend..I'm sure I've mentioned. When I say like a fiend I mean I could go to the library and take out 2 or 3 7-day return books and be done with them all within the 7 days no problem. I would devour them and it wasn't that I smoked as I read as really who enjoys that? I would just be able to focus in a way I can no longer do. I've started a gazillion books...all supposedly "great" and not going through..but I digress. I'm reading a book called Sing You Home by Jodi Picoult who was an author I used to like...the main character is going through IVF or went through IVF...I just started and it's good. It's true to life but somewhat sad..I cried like a freak this morning at one point and realized 2 things; I haven't had a good cry in a long time and shit these meds are making me more sensitive. Anyway, it's good stuff this book so I thought I'd put it out there especially if you're doing this alone...not because that's how the main character is doing it but because it is so, for lack of a better word, satisfying to have someone explain so many of the emotions that you're going through. I find that going through this alone, with only my friends for support, is very difficult..it's a difficult path, it really is.

I had a though today and I'm not really sure about it or where it came from but it was after reading a little bit in the book and I went to my bathroom and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I thought.."this is it. If this doesn't work I'm done. I can't go on". I don't know if this is true but it popped into my head nonetheless. The process this time around seems very different to me. Detached as I believe I've mentioned before from not only the clinic but the process in certain ways. Last night I made an effort to come home before 11 p.m as that's the time I take my Lupron and didn't I sit down to watch tv and totally forget? Thankfully I remembered 1/2 hour later but still...I'm not hyper vigilant as I was in the past. And if you're curious, as I myself am, it feels neither good nor bad. It feels like acceptance of whatever the Fates, what God, whatever it is my future, has in store for me. I might not like it but I accept. I accept because the fight is gone now.

Last Wednesday Diana and Z came over. We were talking about the lap band and I said that as soon as this baby making thing is over I'm getting it. Z, who is about my size couldn't believe it. She told me I was giving up, cheating, doing things to my body, blah blah blah. I said Z, I do give up. I give up kidding myself that I can do this on my own. I've been fighting this fight for my whole life and I can't do it anymore. I have to accept this. I want to walk without my knees hurting me, run up the stairs without gasping for breath at the end....and really it's not even about looks at this point. I look at my father who is thin but diabetic and my fairy Godmother who is heavy and diabetic and they're both in wheelchairs blind as all shit and I don't want this for me. I want to run like I used to on the treadmill with no problem, I want to sit on a plastic chair and not worry that it'll collapse, I want to go to the doctor and not fear that I'll hear "high blood pressure" "high cholesterol" "diabetes"...I want to give myself a chance to fucking live normally man and though people constantly say "you're not that fat"..I know the truth...I may not be fat enough to require special equipment of any kind but I'm fat enough that it effects how I want to live. I explained to Z that I have to accept things because I'm too tired, too tired. She says, "Where is the Gemma that used to always fight for things"? and I said the truth...Life has kicked my ass and I can't do it anymore. I have to pick my battles and succumb to those that I can't beat. Painful but true.

I finally got the courage to speak to my boss this past Friday about removing the chick from my unit. She agreed. It's going to go over like a lead pipe with the chick and with my unit but it is what it is and I have to make myself as comfortable as possible. Absorbing the work will be problematic but it'll happen. The boss was finally, finally, cool about it and said, this needs to be about work...shit lady...finally you get it..I need harmony within my troops in order for us to work...not their noses up your ass. I didn't say this of course.

Anyhow, that's what's up for now...

Catching up

My father is home with round the clock care and the compulsion to go there every day left me as soon as he was home. I'm glad. It was weird and in the time I spent with him after so many years of a distant relationship I learned several things: people love him. I mean people LOVVVVVVVE him. I should be so lucky in my life to have 1/10th of the people who love him love me. He's loved and has helped a ton of people...a legend in his community...impressive really. I also learned that he is all too human and I guess as his adult child that is something I didn't want to know. The truth is that obviously I knew he wasn't perfect...I mean I no longer have the father/daughter relationship and haven't for about 20 years now which is fine. But I learned more than I could deal with and it made me feel that I didn't want to hang with him any more.

I'm going to put this out there because well, it's the truth, this is anonymous, if anyone does find out my true identity they were just nosey assholes, and last but most importantly, the reason I started this blog, aside from putting down my journey was to be a healthier person...so here goes nothing..

When I started therapy with this new chick, the reason she got my attention was she made one observation; she basically said the reason I'm single is related to my relationship with my father. Am I comfortable with this thought? No. Is it probably true? Yes. My father was not a horrible person. He really wasn't. But he was definitely emotionally abusive in a household that needed no other type of abuse. We all went through a lot emotionally with him or, wait, I'll keep it in the "I" and say I feel like I went through a lot emotionally with him. Between the period of time where he refused to speak to us, his flip flopping on decisions and taking things promised away from us, and his affairs, it was ridiculously unbearable at times. Compared to my mother's emotional rollercoastering he was the more stable, believe it or not. There's more but I won't bore you with the woe is me tails. He did the best that he knew how or maybe he did what he though...the bottom line is it's over. My idea of men if it came from him was not good and spending all this time with him I found out a secret. He has a sexually transmitted disease. There. I said it. It disgusts me. The minute I found out it was like I was moving backwards at the speed of light away from him...the straw that broke the camels back. Too human, too gross, too not what a daughter wants to know about a father. My sibs seem fine with it or at least they don't say anything. Me, I'm like get the fuck out of here. I visited him this past weekend but I'm pretty much done working on the relationship trying to make it something it's not. I feel like this is as close as I want to be with him and it actually made me feel closer to my crazy ass mother. Made me feel bad for her. This was the love of her life. It brought back memories for me of his affairs and our semi-awareness...the way things only partially register in your brain as a child when you're lost in your own teeny tiny school world. I remember being at my parent's business and the phone ringing incessantly and the hang ups and how this went on for years. How he was having an affair with a woman who rented from us..all the shit that you really don't register until you're older and are triggered by something else. It was a crazy life when we were little...scary a little too. There was good and bad like everybody else but there are still a lot of scars from childhood that I know my siblings share. I guess most people have their lumps that never heal. It is what it is. It affected me and though I don't credit it for my immense fear of men (oh yes my friend and you thought you knew me) it definitely added to it...that and some other unfortunate experiences...

So there it is...another secret... another piece of my mind out there. Feels better out than in.  I can't always own all this shit by myself and I have to put it out there...just release some of the pressure from my brain. I haven't been able to tell anyone about my father's secret as it's too gross and blech!! Haven't been able to tell Kay or Diana or Z though I think I would feel comfortable telling both Diana and Z when I see them maybe. It feels good to just put it out there and hey, I know people have bigger and badder shit about their parents but to me it just was too much I suppose. 

On the baby front it's getting closer to the doctor's appointment and I worry that they won't accept me as a client because of my weight...Who knows. I guess time will tell. I have this adrenaline just course through me when I think of it; a nervous energy, anxiety maybe? Not sure. All I know is that it's uncomfortable and I hate it. I hate that this is so hard for me, that it's been so hard and though I realize I'm not the only one, it feels like it. It feels like I'm alone. It feels like I'm alone with this desperation in my heart. This feeling that this chapter in my life is closing all too quickly with no baby in sight.

Tiny Steps forward

Today was the day I was going to call the new clinic. Actually, I was going to call their satellite office in Westchester in order to avoid city traffic but after I looked closely at the NYU clinic's site, they mentioned they were now in cahoots or what have you, with Westchester and Ct. which led me to believe that the stats weren't reflective of the Westchester clinic so I'm going to the NYC one which isn't too far..it's just a bitch to commute there in the a.m. Anyhow, as I read about the consult they explained you would need your records so I bucked up and called my clinic to request that they transfer my case to me, and they explained I needed to write a letter so it's sitting in the visor of my truck and ready to be dropped off later tonight when I go pick up the sib from the bus stop. I also asked if I could donate my meds to them and they said yes, that they use it for people with no insurance which is good as I probably have a few thousand bucks worth of meds in the fridge. Apparently, and this is one of the things I am so grateful for, my insurance allows unlimited meds....can you imagine? Last time the total on my meds came to over $10K...for one cycle!...the clinic said I have the 'Mercedes Benz of insurance'...don't I know it and it is one of many reasons I don't leave a difficult job..I'm being polite by saying difficult here.... Anyhow, I also found out this week that I do get unlimited IUI's covered by my insurance so if I tried that again (and yes I've been playing with that idea) I only have to cover the sperm which is expensive. In my fantasy, the doctor does two IUI's before proceeding to egg donor and it miraculously works. It would seem like a simple decision to try the IUI but I hesitate because of the expense of the sperm and I can't help but think, "am I just humoring myself here or is there really a chance it can work"? Who the fuck knows. I guess I won't know until I speak to the doctor and I'm not even sure they'll take me as a patient. My understanding of a lot of clinics is if they think it's too far fetched a chance they don't want their stats to drop so they don't even take you. Well, I can't waste my time worrying about this shit.

What motivated me to get moving was actually my friend Z.  She and Diana came over the other night and Z, who is never really an advice giver, said to me, Gem, forget all the extra stuff and just call...don't think about anything. She is right. You can entertain yourself and really just make excuses for reasons you can't move forward...you can sit in your shit all day long, feel like you're not ready, but the truth is you gotta move past that and just act. I know this from my past really but sometimes you just need a real caring friend to remind you and just shove you forward. Z is the friend who said she'd be my surrogate if I needed it...that's Z, generous, loving, and kind like no other...really kind...not nice, kind.

So that's where we're at. I'm hoping, but doubt that, the clinic will send me my paperwork quick so I can get this show on the road. Kay said she'd go with me into New York as long as I drove as she can't drive in NY...why I don't know but alas, I don't give a shit, I'm just grateful she'd come with me. I don't know how I'd get from A to B without my friends. At this point that's what it's like, just travelling from one letter to the next...small steps towards the goal with a little help (or a lot) from my friends...thank God.

Second round of clean up

A few months back, when it looked like the shit had hit the fan, I went through my house and removed most of the baby shit...the clothes Diana had given me and that sort of thing. I came back from the vet today, from taking my Tess and as I sat in my guest room at the computer, I looked up on the shelves to see one too many baby books left and I realized it was time to really clean house. Get rid of all the pregnancy books, and magazines...all the bullshit around. I have one pair of sneakers Diana had given me that are just too cute to part with. I also have a maternity shirt..the first thing I bought when I started trying, that I found on sale at the Gap...I kept that too...though I have a lump in my throat about it....not sure really. Anyhow...purging all this shit in my life. I figure if I ever do have a baby, I can buy anything I really need that'd been given to me. I want to shut down this blog and start a new one though I would like to link them somehow and I'm not sure how that works. Will have to take a look at how to do it.

I still have not received a call from the new "doctor/nurse practitioner" I went to though I've called 3 times and she said she was going to call me by last Saturday...here we are a week later. I left her a message...basically it said mail me my test results. I can't talk to her as she's a nice girl and I'll rip her a new asshole the like she's never experienced before and really for what? Just makes me angry. This on top of it all...just makes me angry.

So that's where I'm at. Still brokenhearted, still crying, still coming to terms with life. Angry at God, at the world really, and unable to pray and I'm fine with it for now though like any good Catholic, the guilt is there. I've tried to pray but end up telling God off and really, what kind of prayer is that? So I've cut it down to a few words, "dear God, thank you for your blessings, please continue to bless me and all those that I care about and need your blessings. Amen". I can utter that at least. Right now my goal is to just make it to Wednesday when I see the shrink lady and I'm just hoping that helps...if nothing else that it brings me some relief. I have my moments. Today I have to do a second birthday celebration for "D" and this one is out at a restaurant/arcade type atmosphere...so not anywhere able to handle th is but there it is. I'll dow hat I can to try and get through it. I smoked again. I keep smoking. It doesn't help but it's my version of self-mutilation I suppose...my fuck you to the world but really I'm just hurting myself...it's all so grown up really. Anyhow, this post, this fucked up post that is probably such a downer, is just for me...just to get shit off my chest really. Shits still on my chest but...fuck.

Sitting in my shit and I really don't effin care

I finally spoke to one of the embryo clinics today. I've been so out of it I just thought the girl was gonna be a total asshole but it turns out she was very helpful. Turns out it'll be about $30,000 using them. Her suggestion was that I might want to change to a larger fertility clinic where they would have a larger selection of in house donors. She even went as far as to look some up, give me their stats, and the telephone numbers. I don't know how I'm going to pull this off emotionally..I really don't. I feel like I'm falling to pieces really. I made an appointment with a shrink for next week. She seems decent when I googled her. Time will tell. I have to give her a chance as my m.o. is usually to just run at the first sign of weakness but the truth is I need help to get through this. I've never felt this alone in my life and so discouraged really. I can't believe still that this is almost over for me. It's too painful to even believe but there it is. Just going through the motions of life right now doing my damnedest not to smoke too much and get back on that stuff which probably contributed to my current situation...who knows really. I'm just so sad about all of this and even that sounds like it's not enough to describe exactly what it is I feel. If I had money, real money, perhaps I wouldn't feel that this is all so final. I don't know. I really don't. Who the fuck knows.

She suggested I try 3 places...NYU fertility, RMA of NY, and Cornell fertility. I get a feeling this is going to be big bucks. I can't help but think things would be so much easier if I wasn't alone and I know why I think this,...because it's the truth really. Just someone who was fighting the fight with me, who I could bounce shit off of without feeling I was burdening them with my misery. I called Diana today and of course was so upset I could barely speak and she was nothing but supportive but I have the feeling that she and Kay are tired of hearing me cry hysterically or maybe this is just my mind playing tricks on me as they both insist they want to hear it.

So this is what is coursing through my mind....fist and foremost...I feel like the game is over...and though I fight this thought, it creeps in over and over. Then I think..I want to change clinics and this I've pretty much determined to be a bit more concrete. I also think perhaps I should do another round of IVF somewhere else...crazy right? I go back and forth. The truth of the matter is I need to consult with a doctor. I'm also thinking I should call my acacupuncturist who went through all this shit and ask her who she used. I'm grasping at straws but this is where my mind is going...Not sure if I can do this. I'm just not sure. I can't stop crying...it's effecting my work. I left early today again and spent the morning and yesterday morning with my door closed. I think my staff are afraid to approach me as I can't stop crying. I'm hoping this chick next week, the shrink, can help me. I just need to sort through all of the muck in my head, re-energize and haul ass. Think things through and get my bearings. I'm sad. Sad like fucked up kind of sad...can't move kind of sad, can't breathe, can't bear to fucking breathe...that kind of sad.

Anyhow, I just have to pull myself out of this funk but I'm also going to try and cut myself a little slack here. I have to mourn this as it really is a death and I've said it before...it's the death of a dream...the dreams we have as children, as young women and as grown women. It hurts. It makes me feel like just giving up on life..it hurts that bad and if it wasnt' for Tess and "D" I probably would just say fuck it all. But I know from past experience that things always get better or so it seems and so I have to hang on to that and think that someday this will just be a memory and really....how much time do I have anyway? Maybe 30 years if I'm lucky? It flies I'll tell you that.

Diana made the comment today that she can't believe how fucked up the cards I've been dealt have been and though I want to believe that this is true, want to indulge myself in my self pity a bit, sit in my shit as they say, I realize this isn't wholly true. I know too well that my cards were pretty good. Listen, I'm aware of my bad cards...they ain't good: cancer, molestation, obesity, issues with D, and belive me..the issues with "D", I lived through it by the skin of my teeth and you wouldn't even begin to believe it, an ass kicker, and there's some shit that's just ridiculously ridiculous. And I've never had real love in my life..painful but there it is.  But...and this is a bit ass but..no pun..I had a great education, have never wanted financially (not rich but have always had adequate food shelter, etc..), have been super successful in my own career, more brains than I've needed, and have always felt an angel sitting on my shoulder..always....even my siblings say that I have a gift..and I feel this, I feel this presence of some type of blessing. But it's been an ass kicker, this life,  nonetheless. I always say that where my life has failed was in the personal department. I have tons of friends..I do and I know how fortunate this is...but I have had no love of my life, no babies, no family of my own really aside from the one I grew up in. This shit leaves a woman feeling like she's not a woman I can tell you that. I wonder sometimes what was my purpose. For "D"? I fight like a mother for "D"...one of my sibling says she loves to hear my rants when I get my craw up for "D" but they don't get what it takes from me...it hurts me to have to act like that...like a bear..fighting..it hurts me..but I do it. I wonder is this why I'm here? For "D"? I've been doing the "D" thing since "D"s birth. Fine. Fine. But I want a family of my own and this can't be all there is for me...these fucking walls in this fucked up job with fucked up people and i'm grateful...I am but this.... It hurts me. That's all I can really say.

You feel what you feel

I'm having one of those days. It's the kind of day where you wake up too sensitive for anything really and I had to delete one of the blogs I follow. I've found that this happens too often for me..when their dreams have come true and I can't stand to read it because deep inside my chest there is a little voice that speaks the truth too loudly, that tells me most likely, this dream will not be mine. Is this pessimistic? I think more realistic.. In truth my brutal honesty is a way I both protect myself and slowly torture myself...the feeling that if I don't build up the hope it'll hurt less but really, I've found that the feeling is still devastating..whether you expected it or not. So today, one more blog got hidden for lack of my capability to figure out how to delete it entirely. It's weird really; there are some people who have a baby and it doesn't bother me at all..in fact I follow a blog where they had a little boy and nothing but joy there in my heart..really. But some people, who didn't struggle or appeared not to, not so much. I even had to get rid of one chick who struggled like a mother effer, had a preemie and actually blogged about how upsetting it is to have missed the last few months of pregnancy. I get it, I get that you didn't get the whole thing and your baby is sick but that you missed the last few months of pregnancy...but listen, let's get our shit straight and focus on the half full.

I have a friend on facebook. I met her as she was/is trying to conceive with donor sperm, though she's married. She has only done ICSI and has to space it out until her and her hubby can save up the pennies for each try. I would never dare bitch to anyone how my insurance sucks and poor me that I only got to try ICSI 3 times and IVF 4 times on my insurance's dime....I'll bitch there's not baby for me, no husband or partner for me, that I'll bitch about, but let's get a little perspective on what people miss out on...a few months of pregnancy and your baby is struggling to live...I'd bitch about the struggling to live part..not the missed months of pregnancy. Shit. But that's me and how I feel, and she feels what she feels, and really, who the fuck am I? Nobody...but I delete them so they don't aggravate the crap out of me.

I've been obsessing lately about what other people got, what I didn't get, shit at work and all kinds of stuff. I think it's because my period is coming and this was the last week of work for the layed off people (Asshole) who I promised myself I would not obsess about, ask about, talk about, et cetera but...and this is not one of those "everything after but is bullshit"...this is a legitimate but...Diana came over and told me Asshole information. Asshole will be working where my sibling D spends D's day. Not only did Diana mention this but yesterday while speaking to a friend she mentioned him, him losing the job, where he was going, and how he and Pface had a baby...said it 3 times to me as if I was old and deaf and then asked me if I heard her, and no I wasn't asking any questions...she was more or less going down a list....it's like he haunts me I swear. So...I'm putting these few words about it here and then I have to stop. No more! No more as it's just too hard and it's too hard for me to realize the extent of my obsessive thoughts and to know that, like any other woman, I'm human to falling prey to the wiles of a man and the fantasies we make up in our heads. In truth, I know it would have never worked out. I have a penchant for losers and perhaps it's a blessing that I'm single..Who knows. Only God I suppose.

So that's it for now. It's raining like hell here and I'd originally had plans to go to Jersey for a barbecue but that's out the window. Fine, fine. Didn't want to go any ol' way.

Gifts

As much as I bitch I know in truth I've led a very blessed life both with my family and my friends. I have always felt I've had a little guardian Angel sitting on my shoulder though at times, when things get hard, my vision gets hazy and I forget to see my gifts. I had a friend offer me her eggs today. That's one offer of a uterus and one offer of eggs. Is that something or what? People are amazing. Sadly I had to decline and believe me I was tempted...the person was of my same coloring, with freckles, with a similar college major and a similar line of work as I do...and in their early 30's and though the age was only part of the problem, the other thing was, the thing I didn't tell her as I didn't want to hurt her, is that she's had to many miscarriages and I only have this one time...this one time to try...still I'm tempted. And if I get the chance to speak to my doctor, I'll broach the subject with her.

Today at work, I had 3 children in my office ages 4, 5, and 10...sisters...and boy were they adorable...they were with me for a few hours and though I couldn't really work with them in the room with me, I enjoyed their company and my heart ached a little and felt happy too. I found myself thinking about them throughout the day...what they'd be like when they got older. I had put the radio on and the oldest and youngest danced...they were great dancers and I asked the oldest if she was in some type of class...nope...amazing. Anyhow, that was my little joy today. I tried to imagine what it would be like if these were my 3 kids and I had to care for them permanently...could I do it? Yes, I could. Weird as when I watch Diana's kids I don't have this type of connection..but I always hoped for little girls..a .little boy would be wonderful too but I would love one of each (who wouldn't really and how greedy of me) but there it is. So far I have bupkis so who am I to pick what I'd like coming my way..what I'd like is healthy...just give me at least one God and make him healthy.

On the food front, this week I'm not doing so hot. I haven't journaled as accurately as I should have and I've been eating not great food...not crazy bad but not awesomely great. I went to OA on Tuesday and there was a new Canadian...she was Hasidic and beautiful and had maintained a 6 year abstinence, 100 lb. weight loss..unreal. I cried the whole meeting ending with uncontrollable crying..she probably thought I was nuts. I was just feeling overly emotional, and one of the other Canadians, Chaya, consoled and spoke to me for almost an hour afterwards..told me I should consider asking Rachel (that's the new Canadians name) to sponsor me.  I want to ask her to sponsor me but I'm scared. I want to try and hit one of the other meetings she goes to and see if she'd be a good fit but really, that's just me procrastinating and not wanting to do what I have to do. The truth is, I don't want to follow the OA diet. It's super duper strict...and I mean strict...it's basically 1 protein, 1 Fruit, 1 veg, 1 dairy for breakfast, same for lunch, sort of the same for dinner, no caffeine, no sugar, no artificial sweetener, no flour, no wheat. I did it once for 3 days..that's as far as I got. The artificial sweetener shit is the killer. I couldn't even have a yogurt...it had to be plain with some fruit and if you've ever eaten plain yogurt it's sour as all shit...gross. Oatmeal with no sweetener...I managed to get it down by slicing some apple into it and sprinkling it with cinnamon...in short, it's not easy. How people do this for years on end is unbelievable to me. I want someone who'll sponsor me on the WW diet...which is possible..we'll see. Procrastination...is the thief of time...story of my life. Anyhow, this lady Rachel, was an inspiration to me as she is where I want to be...100 lbs down and 6 years clean..amazing.

Aside from that, Allison from the clinic got back to me yesterday as I hadn't heard anything and I believe I mentioned when I called the clinic 2 days ago the receptionist was kind of short with me which hurt my feelings. Anyhow, Allison was cool. She explained this process of finding someone can take up to 6 months or more but they're actively looking...okay, as long as they didn't forget about me. So that's where I'm at.

Yesterday, I found out the guy that I'd been crushing on is married with kids. Figures. It didn't hurt really was just disappointing as I'd had a nice little chat with him earlier in the day, and I liked his style though I also found out he's a little wild..I'm a loser picker..did I mention that..I pick losers, they either drink too much, have some type of personality disorder, or are wack-a-doos...Anyway... I'm sorry but there should be a rule that if you're married, you have to wear a ring and if you're in a committed relationship, you should have a big scarlet letter posted to your forehead...I think a lot of people would be happy with this. I don't understand, and maybe it's because I'm not/have never been married..why you would allow your spouse to go out ringless and let me tell you...a lot of people who use the excuse that it interferes with their job (police, plumbers, et cetera) are just full of shit...it doesn't. I've shot a gun with all my rings no problem and fixed shit around the house no problem...just saying. It should be a law...that way there's no confusion.

I'm feeling good today as opposed to the rest of earlier this week where I couldn't stop crying and snivelling but the truth of the matter is, this is a painful time in my life...one of many painful times in my life. Chaya at the Canadians suggested perhaps I need to speak to a professional and perhaps I do..what the frick do I know...but I often feel that sometimes you just feel what you feel and why is it when you feel sad everyone thinks  you need to speak to someone? People feel emotions and half of what is wrong with life is that feeling them, and expressing them is unacceptable. Well, I feel them and at this point in my life, and for the first time in a long time, I don't feel I need a shrink. I think about it often; how I haven't been to see someone in a long time but for once I feel like I'm dealing. It may not be pretty the way I'm dealing, but I am. I am feeling what I feel and accepting it...the good the bad and the ugly. Life has not been easy for me though I know it's been substantially generous in many respects...not maybe in my personal life, no, not in my personal life, because to say that would be to lie to myself, but in other respects, in terms of friendships. work, and financials, it's been better than a lot of people have and I've been blessed...so for today, I'm keeping that in the forefront. Tomorrow is another story..

Pain in every corner

I usually get the weekend paper from my mother but right now she and "D" are out of the country and I stopped her subscription so I ran out yesterday just for the local Sunday. Me and the paper have a love hate relationship. My sibling always says I should be in politics as I get myself all riled up by the injustices in the world and I guess I can put up a good debate...it also makes me pissed as all hell so I always tell sib to just can it and mind their own bees wax...Anyhow, as usual, I digress. I get the paper and look for the coupon section and for whatever reason, I can't look at it. It doesn't instantly register as to why and the first two pages are not coupons at all but rather an ad for the Olympics. Today Kay brings in coupons to share and again I'm looking at the Olympic's ad...I look...wtf is bothering me...an Olympian hopeful with her mom...they look identical and I look away from it and up from my desk and find myself looking into the little stand up mirror that's on my desk purchased at the dollor store and I realize...this will never be me. I will never have someone with my curly, curly, curly, hair, or my million freckles that I really shouldn't have but that all my siblings do (we have no idea where we got these shits from), or my full lips or my "near perfect" teeth (not my opinion..my dentist's)...and yes, I also won't have a crazy kid who is hypervigilant nearing paranoia, supersensitive almost to the absurd, fightst depression, or has the overweight gene..but I will miss the frigging freckles, and I will miss the curls and I take a good look at the pic and it breaks my heart just a little and it makes me cry just a little. And I know, I have to accept, even if I don't like it or I don't want it, it's not one of those things where you can say " I don't accept" like I've done with all the things that just weren't tolerable in my life...in this case, whether I accept it emotionally or not...the choice isn't mine..I have to accept that it'll never be and that's it and Amen.

Earlier today I got a call from one of my staff (frantically mind you) asking for help with a client (child) completely nuts and out of control who finally had to be restrained by an officer. I run out of the building to where she's working, not knowing what to expect. He rolls his lower lip against the glass at me when he sees me....soooo silence of the lambs like. Ugh. I asked her, what's wrong with him...her reply? "he's adopted". Fucked up? Maybe. But too often we work with these kids that are all fucked up and out of control and too often they have that one common denominator..adopted...this was also too often true when I worked with the dually diagnosed (mentally ill/addicts), I would say 75% were adopted. D is adopted...my poor sweet D who breaks my heart, just breaks my heart with all they've suffered. This isn't always the case. I have 4 friends growing up who were adopted and are relatively normal...one is an alcoholic but that didn't happen until she was in her early 30's, and two of them are a little whacked but hey people who live in glass houses....  It still scares me this about adoption. I try to keep in the forefront of my mind that what I see at work is the worst of the worst in terms of children, in terms of men, in terms of marriage, and there are happy endings. Diana always says that she doesn't know why God sent me to work where I work as I was already warped when it came to men...who the fuck knows. I know I learned that some men are good too..I learned this from some of my coworkers who are relatively good people (yes, they do exist). My one coworker Henry who was married and never cheated but was left 2 years ago by a cheating wife (he has some serious control issues but would help you if and when the shit hit the fan...good people..not marriage material though) and my other coworker who I won't even give a name, who is sweet as sugar and it appeas that his wife has recently left him after 20 plus years of marriage...nices guy but a bit effem for my taste..but good people...real good people...they do exist....and I guess this is something I've learned from working there...but the adoption thing...it's just been re-inforced.

Anyhow, I find myself babbling. I just...I just want to not look and see things that hurt me so much...I can't imagine living my life with this...living this forever. Seeing every baby ad hurt me, seeing every pregnant lady hurt me, every baby coupon, every child's toy...just facing this at every corner...I don't want this to be a forever.

A Tough Week with Tough Choices

 I finally got the paperwork from Allison. I looked at it backwards and forward as I couldn't believe how simplistic it was. It asked you what race you wanted, and then you had to rate that on a scale of 1-3, 1 being very importan and 3 being not important. Then it asked you how important religion was to you but didn't ask you what religion you wanted, same went for ethnicity, then what color hair, eyes, what body frame, height and that was it. I called Allison and she quickly explained that they'll send me profiles of people that fall in between these categories, you pick, take meds to sync up to the donor and then get inseminated....all in one sentence she explained it in sort of a rush. I was upset. I said to Mattie when I hung up with her...just look how quick someone can explain to you how to make one of the most important decisions in your life...bada-bing bada-boom...done. So I checked off all the shit adding my comments on the side because that's how I roll and taped a pic of myself (as requested) on the stupid form and sent it back. I didn't want to harp on it or have it in my posession any longer. I wanted to add to just send me the shit and I'll pick out my own but I can't burn any bridges at this place and just want to hurry up and get this done with and end my relationship with these people already. I added that the person had to have some college and that art was a plus as everyone in my family is artisitc in some way and we can all sing but I'd rather they have the art bit if at all possible. Really, I felt the form said a big fat, We Really Don't Give A Shit What You Pick SOoooo, Just Pick Anybody You Infertile Loser.  You know when you get the feeling that you're done somewhere? That's how I feel. Just do what you can for me here and cut me loose...really just let me go already. I asked Allison the first time we talked if she thought I was grasping at straws because really I wanted to know, and of course she said, "not at all"...no conversation no nothing...yeah yeah, easy answers. fuck. If it wasn't that I'm at the end of all this shit I'd switch to somewhere else. fuck fuck fuck...so tired really of all of this but not tired enough to just quit already. Gotta stay in this fight til I'm completely down on my knees I guess.

I finally gave away all of the baby clothes Diana had given me...I left myself with a tiny corduroy jacket and  a pair of skechers baby shoes...both too cute to give away. That's all I've kept. The books are next and really I could just bag up my whole condo and throw it in the dumpsters...that's how I feel, like I really don't give a shit about anything. I have thrown in the towel almost completely and this next step only holds a glimmer of hope for me. I'm scared of it and I'm scared of the financial repercussions for me after this. I put about $500 on the card this weekend and another $500 this week for car repairs and a trip to the grocery...I had to send a family member another $2300 last week...this ain't monopoly money folks but what do you do? I don't know. Just tired of it all, tired of it but I have to just keep moving.

On the WW front, I'm sticking to it so far these past 4 days...journaling the shit on my WW app. We'll see if I can't hold it...can't refrain from gorging my sadness with food.

I also went online last night and looked up more ethnic donors for sperm just in case I have to pick someone outside of my race...have to spice it up a bit I suppose. Really, I don't care what the kid looks like...just give me healthy and not crazy.

Nothing more than feelings...

I'm struggling again and I can't really blame it on PMS as my period was over 5 days ago. It's this sadness man that has settled and been sitting on my chest. The kind that makes it difficult to breathe, difficult to swallow really; it's just a lump there and it takes everything I have to make it through every minute of my day. I want to hide from life; hide from all the babies, the pregnant ladies, the everything and anything related to kids, to motherhood to fatherhood to any type of hood that I don't belong to. Just that quiet desperation again killing me.

 I go for my HSG test (again) for the 3rd time this Monday and I want to hurry up and just get it over with, get to the last chapter of the book I guess you could say; just want to know how this all ends. I'm scared too though, as there is a very big part of me that doesn't want to know...just doesn't want to know. It's going to kill me I feel. I tell Kay this, and I tell Diana this, and I tell Z and Mattie this but they don't seem to understand what I mean. I think this ending might kill me if not literally than emotionally. It's just too sad for me, too sad, too sad, too painful. And really how much can one person endure in one life?

Someone havnig a bad day wrote on facebook today (a site that is no longer the place I once loved to visit), how God never gives you more than you can endure and I think,.. I don't know about that. I once read, and I think it's a valid point, that if that were true there would be nobody in psych wards as aren't too many people in wards those that couldn't handle what they were given? I try not to think of the never having a baby thing as it's too scary and for me, it's one of those, "I don't think I can handle situations". I can go on but it would be a bitter person moving forward...I feel I'm turning into that already, into a bitter person, something I've always dreaded becoming and in fact, Diana and I, when we worked together used to talk about people who went around life with a frown; we called them "People who sucked on lemons"..we still call them this..childish but whateva. Shit, who knew. I am trying to keep the faith...trying trying trying to just trust in God, that he's got my back but there's a very big part of me that has some doubts...fucked up but there it is. I keep praying, keep hoping there is someone hearing me, hearing my desperate prayers.

My life is half over already, more than half probably, considering my history (ex-smoker, obese, with a history of cancer), and I wonder, could I get through the rest with just me? Could I get through the rest just for me, just for little ol' me? There is a woman at work, Jecca, that I've mentioned before. She's 56 or there abouts and getting ready to retire this year. She's been married twice...the first time for a short period and the second to someone about 20 some odd years older who died several years back...no children...she has one sister, also no children and that's it. She's spent some Thanksgivings at a shelter feeding the homeless for lack of somewhere to go on Thanksgiving...fucked up huh? Last year her sister arranged for her a place to go. She spends her nights drinking wine in her huge house and smoking cigarettes. I was tight with her at one time, even invited her to spend Thanksgiving with my family when she had nowhere but she's dicked me a few times and I no longer trust her...that's the one difference between her and I, I have tight friends and I don't dick them, thank God...but I digress... My point is, I don't want that life...that life with no real family of my own...nobody to really love....nobody to cook for, to take care of, to come home to even if it's only on holidays, nobody to make your house a home for. If you came to my home, you would see that it looks like a home. I always imagined that I would be bringing babies here, feeding children here and Diane especially always comments about how cute I've made the place and how warm and inviting it is. It's a very modest home but I've done what I can to make it comfy ( it was a dump when I bought it which is how I was able to afford it at the time). Anyhow, that's what I want. I want children to cook for, to love, to help with their homework, to tuck in, to wash their little clothes and take care of them...that's what I want. I want to be old and have them visit once in a while and have them ask me to bake cookies for them, or whatever becomes their favorite thing that I cook for them. The bottom line is, I want to be a mom. What do you do when that's what you want for your life and it doesn't happen? How do you keep putting one foot in front of the other? I don't know.

Ebb and Flow of a Slow regroup

I have periods of time where I'm feeling fine and periods that I feel I'm back down on my knees asking for some mercy. I have a lot to be thankful for. They are laying off left and right where I work and at this point I'm safe. Safe and grateful as I know there won't be another job coming along in some time that comes with this salary...not with a degree in something related to human services anyway. Asshole is getting laid off. Am I happy? Satisfied? Smug? None of the above. I feel a deep sadness at the things I am lacking in my life compared to what I have. I guess it all evens out as some of us have these huge luscious families and others have these huge fucked up careers...very rarely do we get both at least not where I come from. I'm grateful and I hate to say but...buttttttt...Today I was minding my business, doing some grocery shopping as Diana and Z are coming over. I'm on line and I hear someone say, "Gemma? Gemma So-and-So?" I turn around and search the person's face. That this happens to me a lot is an understatement as I live in a small area and I've been around for a while and most people have either met me or heard of me and rarely do I ever remember their names...fucked up but true and really, on a regular basis, I meet an average of about 10 people so... Anyhow, I remembered her...grade school. And there she is pretty as a picture with her red hair and her baby with flaming red hair and it was nice to see her but she asked the dreaded.."Kids"? ..."No, no kids, I wish" I say, and then the awkward.."You can have mine" comment/joke/what the fuck do I respond to that. In my head I think, ..really? Can I really have yours? Because I might just take you up on it. But of course I say the polite, "Oh is that your little girl?.. She's lovely. Too cute really". And I do all I can to bag all my shit and haul ass before I start crying. I make it to my car, feel the tears well and manage to pull it all together and finish my crazy lunch break itinerary of running from the grocery, to the bank, to the post office, to the gas station, and finally find my way back to the office. God is good and puts my neighbor, who also went to graduate school with me and interned with me in the office and I bring her in and we shoot the shit til just about time for me to hightail it out of there and I'm home to vacuum and wash out the wine glasses, pack up the groceries and wait for Diana and Z.
I haven't written in a bit as really, what was there to say? I'm waiting as we speak for my period and there's a part of me that doesn't want it...doesn't want it to come. I need to just get on with my life and I can't seem to manage that feeling like I'm constantly in limbo with this fertility thing. I'm just exhausted by it, emotionally and even physically exhausted by it,  and I secretly think it's just not going to happen but the thought of that is so painful, so agonizingly painful that I can't fully allow it to play out in my head. You know what I mean? I can't think outside of the simpleness of just that statement "maybe it won't happen"...outside of that I need to shut out any other thought on the topic. So for now...I wait. As soon as I get it I have to call the lab to schedule an HSG test and then call my doctor to tell her when it's scheduled...as I write it my body goes numb..that's how much I hate the thought...the thought that I'm getting closer and closer to perhaps the biggest disappointment or the biggest joy in my life. Fuck.

Bruising

Today felt really weird. Kay was back at work finally and I had missed her like crazy. The last, I'd say 3 days, it had seemed the pain had subsided a bit but today it was back...not in full force mind you, but just this slight ache and pain in my heart, a slightly bruised feeling of sorrow in my chest just hurting me ever so slightly. There was a little girl at work today..she must have been all of 1 1/2, if that, with cute little clothes on and the sweetest sounding chirping sounds were coming from the office and I finally took a look to see who it was. The colleague who was taking care of her mother later told me that the mother was pregnant again and also had 2 other children who had been taken away by children services due to neglect...isn't that just crap? Heartbreaking crap but there it is.
I prayed last night for God to tell me if I was making the right decision on the donor embryo and pursuing a child still and today, for whatever reason, I got the feeling that a baby just isn't in the cards for me. I know this really means nothing but it's a feeling I have, the feeling that added to my renewed sadness today. I just don't know what direction my life is going in as it seems like all the really big decisions are out of my hands and going nothing like I had imagined or would have planned them to go. It's just so painful sometimes..this whole thing is just so unimaginably painful...and I don't know which way to turn if this never happens for me. I don't even think I'll have the money left to try adoption. I still haven't gotten rid of all the books and baby clothes Diana had given me though I think tomorrow I'll box them up and give them to my mother for her friend's garage sale....no, on second thought I'll just toss in in the salvation army bin...avoid all the questions and the look of satisfaction on her face knowing that I can't have a child. It's hard not to be able to share this unbelievable sadness with my family but none of them were thrilled with my decision nor will they entertain the topic with me so I have to just sort of live around it when I'm with them. It breaks my heart and Kay, who has a very supportive family is always shocked at the shenanigans that happen with my family, the callousness really. You get used to it so it isn't a surprise but this pain has been one of the most difficult things to keep under wraps. I feel like someone has scooped out all of my insides and left me empty...left me with an agonizing emptiness. But enough about my pain...there are only a limited amount of adjectives you can use to describe pain before you start sounding like a drama queen or some badly written soap scene. I just have to find a way to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Just keep moving forward towards what? I don't know. Towards nothing. Towards the same shit every day. If there is no baby, I have to stay at my job long enough to pay off all this debt and then I'll sell this joint and move into a little apartment. In my head I go back to smoking and drinking fully caffeinated coffee, go back to art and just living for me, getting through it as painlessly as I possibly can. I know I don't talk much about what I do and who I work with but the meat and potatoes of my job is about children...fucked up children who are either fucked up because of choices they've made for themselves or  being raised by fucked up people or in the middle of a fucked up situation. Mostly we just hear the story and don't meet the children, just deal with the legalities of their situation or deal with state laws and shit but we do see these children mostly because when we see the parents they bring them with them...I can't do this job without having my heart broken for the rest of my life. My old boss, my first boss, a kind woman, had lost her child when he was just a little boy..her only son, and I never knew how she did this job. She would drink at lunch and drink more at home and she would pace and pace and pace the halls and frankly I don't want to do this, I don't think I'm strong enough to do this; to have this shit hammered into your head on a daily basis when you have no babies in your arms and you see all these babies get all fucked up by their fucked up drug addicted, crazy assed, self absorbed parents. I can't do this with no babies...it would just be a daily torture. One of the other chicks I became friends with also using the same cryo bank is in a similar field and also unable to get pregnant. She jokes that maybe if she smoked a little crack it would happen as that's what seems to work for the people she works with. It's not funny but it's a little true...I used to work in mental health and always remember the one client who delivered a baby in her room. She was schizophrenic and had already had 8 babies taken from her by children's services....it's seems the more fucked up you are the more fertile......crack addict = 10 babies, schizophrenic = 5 babies...no addictions and no (serious) mental health issues = you get bupkis. I don't know. I don't get it. I really don't.

Smoking, joking, and other things that aren't so funny

I smoked a cigarette today...well..took 3 drags from a cigarette I should say and of course now I want to smoke. That's how it works..duh to me. Anyhow, went to my mother's and actually had a good time with my siblings..made one of them (who rarely ever really laughs) choke they laughed so hard giving my mother, who insists we are stealing all of her stuff, a hard time. She is accusing us of having stolen a huge bible she had, a bed spread, and a black and white flowered jacked that she later found in one of her 4 closets..she's a clothes mongrel. Yes mom, we stole your bible..as if..that's like a one way ticket to hell. Anyhow, we died laughing about it. Talked to Kay and Diana today...spoke to Diana to just let her know I'm okay as I think I scared her a bit yesterday as I was a mess. Anyhow, feeling better today and just trying to keep the faith that this is all gonna happen for me. And though I don't really believe this, I'm trying to tell myself that I believe this. Honestly can't picture this happening for me. Wish I was rich and then I'd just try and try and try. I logged onto Cryobank to see if my guy had any stuff available and it looks like he'd submitted another batch and there is little if anything left. Gonna try and remember to call tomorrow and also call the pharmacy to refill meds as well as remember to have someone gas up a work car to take to East Jabib on Tuesday..did I mention I have to go to East Jabib on Tuesday? Really it's upstate New York and one of the other heads asked if I was taking a company car could she tag along..I explained I'm taking my truck..then changed my mind when I remembered my tranny is going and the ride is 3 hours round trip so I'm going with her. The goal is not to disclose too much as I tend to be chatty and social even when I don't want to be...annoy the hell out of myself as I tend to say too much. So that's that. Refill meds, gas for the car, and order sperm..weird how that's not so weird anymore. So getting ready for Monday and hoping that the week flies by. Have another meeting with a big wig from another agency along with an attorney over that incident that I had to deal with the other night..I don't think I mentioned it here. Anyhow, it all makes for a lovely month of stress that I'm hoping just cools off and turns to nothing. I want to call the accupuncturist and see if they take my insurance..hoping the answer is yes though I'm not sure if that would kick into my $50K fertility cap with the insurance. Money really does make the world go round. I so wish I hadn't bought this condo as it swallows all my money and if I was in a modest apartment I'd had a lot more to play with ...Gonna see if maybe I unload this shit this year...time will tell what the future holds..don't care what that is just hope it's a baby too...just saying.

Yes, it's official..I'm crazy...big whoop

Okay, I've been obsessing about taking a pregnancy test even though it's only 3 days post embryo transfer...irrational? Absolutely! but there it is...so finally..to shut my pie hole up..I took one with of course a negative result and as I'm speaking to Diana on the phone telling her how crazy I am..making sure she won't disown me as a friend, I go to the garbage..fish out the test that's been in there for over an hour and of course it says positive. Now we all know this is an evaporation line but boy did it make me happy...just to even know that the line did exist..I kept the stick on my sink for another hour and would visit it a few times until finally, grossed out by the damn thing, chucked it for good. I will now say 3 hail Mary's and 2 Our Fathers..kidding.

Which came first? The chicken or the egg...or some such crazy thing

I don't know if everyone has had this experience growing up, though I imagine some people have...When I was I'd say in about the 5th grade, we learned about incubators and how to incubate an egg and make it a chick. Well, in my class the teacher agreed to carry the experiment out, rather than just explain it, if someone agreed to take the chicks home...of course someone did..the guy's name was John and his parents were the kind of parents that volunteered for everything..so we got the eggs (not sure where as I'm pretty sure it wasn't the supermarket) and lo and behold..chicks. I don't know why that seemed so easy really. It wasn't like I had an Einstein as a teacher or special magic eggs. If memory serves me correctly, the incubator was really some hay and a lightbulb or some such thing. I'm sure you know where I'm going with this..why? Why is it so easy to make a chick and get good eggs but so difficult to make a person? Had 18 eggs retrieved yesterday..sounds good right? Well, only 5 were mature and only 4 fertilized. I got the call today. So now we wait and see if they survive and the cells multiply the way they should for implantation. I'm praying for 2...just 2 to be okay. I need this time to be my time. I know most people seem to get it on the 4th and I know I'm not special but I'm alone and I need this time to happen for me. It just makes sense that if it usually happens on the 4th try for couples trying with IVF (or so it seems to me) then it should be half that time for me. Not real sense but fair is square kind of sense...childish but that's how I feel right now.

I took my friend Ling with me yesterday or I should say Ling took me. Word to the wise, when you're doing something so intimate and private, only take a best friend...(By the way, you can apply this rule to a million other areas of your life). Shouldn't have taken her. She was fine, nice, supportive, et cetera but it was just one of a million things on her day's agenda.....interesting but not the big deal it is to me (of course)..someone not involved in my every day life like Kay or Diana...even Lexi would have been a better choice but Ling kept asking to help and I feel like I'm relying too heavily on Kay and so I chose Ling..Next time..definitely Kay.

Anyhow, I call on Monday for the implantation day which they explained was most likely Monday.

Feelling not as optimistic, as I'd hoped for at least 8.....Greedy huh?.. but it's the truth so...

P.S.Started meds of Doxycycline yesterday (antibiotic) and Medrol (steroid).

The Freak Out

I was talking to Kay today about missing the opportunity to go out for drinks before it's too late and it occurred to me that if this happens for me this coming week it'll be quite a while before I can enjoy a drink or even go out with friends for that matter. Why this thought crept into my head today, I'm not sure. I didn't think of this with the last round of IVF but all of a sudden I'm a little freaked. A little freaked that this whole venture may be too much. It's not that I'm having second thoughts so much as I'm wigging a little...I guess it's comparable to what someone might feel the day before they're getting married. Yesterday, I went to Weight watchers with Diana and she cried as she talked about her life, feeling suicidal and never realizing how hard it is to be single. She said she never knew what her younger brother was going through or how I dealt with the loneliness of singlehood.. I explained that for us singles, it wasn't as hard..you get used to it gradually and it's not like something was taken from us or we were made to stand alone after having some other party as a support...we've had only us and so in that respect, we are stronger..grew stronger with time. For her, and others finding themselves suddenly single, particularly if you were married early, it's harder I think..you're expected to suddenly stand alone without that support that you've always had unlike us that experienced a gradual separation from our parents and the development of our survival skills. I think this decision is the exception..the decision to have a baby. For the most part I think us singles are hoping for Mr. Wonderful to show up eventually and then plan a family...the crunch time comes and you have to start thinking of doing this shit solo. Hard decision. Very hard. But I see people do it all the time and I refuse to live with the regret of never trying...I couldn't do this to myself as a person or as a woman...and so..onward. Freaked out but onward. My friend Ling picks me up in the morning to take me to the retrieval and I'm just hoping there are some (really hoping for plenty) in there and that this time they fertilize better and eventually implant..That's as far as I'm willing to hope for today and for this weekend. The rest of the wishing will have to wait until that part is over. Baby steps..no pun.

Crazy for feeling so lonely?

I had a dream about asshole last night..actually this morning as I think it was the last dream of the night so I awoke with it fresh in my head. In my dream: Kay was with me and Asshole was sitting to the right of me, though I was refusing to look at him, and Kay kept talking to him and asking him questions and pissing me off. I took her outside to tell her to cut it out and then I asked her, ..."how does he look"? Different she says, just weird and different. We go back in and lo and behold his face is weird..it's him but his face is weird..distorted. I wake up...get my shit together and I go to work and the shit is slamming us left and right..it's crazy busy. I find a second to tell Kay about my dream which she agrees is bizarre, and says maybe the universe is trying to tell you something. A client needs help. I go help the client and who do I see? Asshole...looks straight at me and at first, I'm confused..don't recognize him..something is different, though it's been a few years since I saw him last...a full beard...Maybe it's me but that is too freaky. Too close to the fucking dream..eerily close. I tell Kay..she says she's got chills..it's just plain weird in an eerie way. I call my friend Diana..she doesn't flinch..aren't you shocked? I ask her...no, you have that weird thing you do. We laugh. It's freaky. I tell Kay that I'm glad I told her as otherwise I would have thought my memory was playing tricks on me..that I was totally losing it on a road to crazyville. She says Gem, if you hadn't told me I wouldn't have believed you if you'd told me the dream after. Yes, strange and freaky..I laugh at the thought of my "psychic abilities" when I think of it as the day goes on.... and I think, I'm okay with the Asshole sighting..that I'm over everything..everything that was really nothing but it hurt like a mother effer. But I'm not okay. It fucks up my whole day. The whole day I think about him and his pregnant wife, and how maybe he was toying with me and how I blow things up in my head, and how I'm alone. 40 and counting and definitely alone.

Not my Funday..

I don't know what it is about Sundays...for me they're never good..then again I think I'm starting to become a pessimist or maybe it's all the hormones. It seems like I'm super-sensitive lately...just spinning myself into a small bout of the blues. Today I dyed my hair and hung out with Tess. Texted my sister to see if she wanted me to pick something up on the way to my mother's. She tells me they're leaving as my other sibling was called into work. That's the shit with those two..when they're together nobody gives a shit about me but if one of them doesn't come down my phone doesn't stop..it really hurts my feelings. I went out with them yesterday and of course nobody asked about how my trying is going. I'd like to say I don't care but that's not true in any way shape or form. Just wish they gave a shit..really gave a shit..not just when they need me or when the other isn't around. I went to my mother's anyway and I shouldn't have. She was as usual, trying to get me to do what she wants me to do and having a fit when I wouldn't bend, though she tried all her tricks a total of 3, count them, 3, times...lady is a trip. Needless to say I stayed for less than an hour..feeling shitty about myself...feeling shitty about "D"...just feeling shitty. So Tess and I are back home and she's here next to me sleeping while I stew in my guilt and feel sorry for myself.. I did have a nice talk with Diana last night and even though it was only a half hour it always makes me feel like I'm not alone in the world and that someone else speaks the same language as me...I didn't even talk as it was mostly her shit with her husband but all the same, it made me feel less alone. I don't know..don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. I get my procedure done Tuesday..hope it doesn't hurt too much and start the new shrinky dink Thursday and hope she's not a total waste..I'm looking for someone who is sharp but not too bossy and not hell bent on her opinion being the only way. I'm not (for the most part) crazy...just somewhat tormented by too much shit. We'll see.

Smoke 2 cigarettes and call me in the morning..

Last night I spoke briefly to Kay whom I love but it wasn't what I needed. I waited until about 11:30 pm and called Diana who was working graveyard. She said she'd been just about to call me,something I had needed to hear; that someone was thinking of me..needy huh? but there it is. Diana, out of all my friends, knows me the best and is the most similar to me in certain respects. I cried like a freak for about an hour..wracking sobs the ugly, I can't even talk, crying..smoked a marlboro menthol from my emergency stash and finally after 3 days of emotional hell felt human again. Went to work today, got through the meeting without killing anyone or making an ass of myself..almost got through my shift without someone annoying the crap out of me..and here I am: safe and sound at home. Tomorrow is another meeting with my staff to start the day and I have a feeling it's not going to be good. I'm going to try to get through it without getting my ass handed back to me on a platter and just move on. One of my coworker..a young girl who I'm pretty close to, said Gem, next time you can't run around stressing like you do..you gotta be away from here as it's too much..this is all too much and I think she's right. I worked like I always worked and was annoyed by people like I always am..and really, though I know my not getting pregnant is not my fault, I have to do more to protect myself, to ensure that I don't just carry that all capable attitude..it's not good for me and it doesn't do me any favors and really, if I was an embryo, I'd be like, I'm outta here..so next time..I'm going to take a little time to myself and protect myself even if I have to call out to do it. But that's for later but a good lesson along the way.

So the moral of this story? Shit happens and this too shall pass. I feel better. Not 100% back to where I was but better. When I got home today I opened up my underwears to find my period sitting there..a relief as I didn't want to get it while at work, and feel any emotions while there, and also was worried that it wasn't coming..it's here and I'm fine with it. I'll try again in January. Am definitely going to find a shrink as, even though I feel okay, I recognize that I have demons haunting me that I can't shake on my own and eventually they will come for me and take me if I don't deal with them now so on to a therapist it is. Have to find one less crazy than me which you'd think wouldn't be as hard as it is..but isn't this the way of things?

I'm going to try and use this time between now and January to focus on me, finding a therapist and lose a little weight..just get myself together a bit. No more smoking for me as I woke up with the urge after yesterdays slip..maybe a beer later.. Just need to relax.

To Be or not To Be...that is the Question...

So, last night I mentioned that I got the negative HPT...devastated..crying fit..feeling bad for myself and sat in my own shit for the rest of the evening except for the long walk me and Tess took cause really, why should she sit in it with me? So today I go to the RE's office, say to the nurse, "I don't think I"m pregnant"..'why, did you take a home pregnancy test?'.."yes, and it was negative"..'ohhhh'..okay so I'm like confirmation, this dance is done, nail in the coffin, pack it up and move on. See the Dr. and we have the same exchange except, 'well, it could be too low to show up on an HPT'..oh, I think..Hope?..so she sticks the penis probe inside and looks around and says, "Gemma if you hadn't told me you got a negative I would say you look pregnant. Your mucus is right..ovaries swollen as occurs in pregnancy..it looks good. I don't want to get your hopes up though but I don't want you to be discouraged." I of course break down balling..I mean..what kind of yo-yo hormone crap is this..do I stay or do I go here? So I cry the entire way back to New York..am hysterical as I fill up on cheap Jersey gas..and haul my ass over to the department store..call Diana..who really is drowning in her own stuff but when you can't call family you pick whoever comes to your mind..I buy an overly expensive sweater (which by the way will be returned as I just found a coupon for that store 30% off) while bumping into every pregnant woman, and newborn infant on the planet, ...rush home, set up the crock pot all the while holding in my pee and go take another HPT...guess what it said? Why,.. negative...of course. Have to just keep the faith.