today

My father came home yesterday from the nursing home. I have such mixed feelings about our relationship after all of this; shit that haunts me at night. It's so weird really. I had been going every day to visit him as I'd mentioned in an earlier post and today was the first day that I didn't. I feel okay about it. I've cried over his situation these past few weeks and that has been confusing; the feeling of sadness and I've tried to work this out in my head but really, it's just a little clear. I am not going to even begin to try and explain it as it would take too much effort to even try to sort it out in my mind let alone put it on paper. I'm okay with it...as confusing and uncomfortable with it as it feels I accept.

I spoke to the therapist chick last night. A little about the father thing, a little about the sibling thing, a little about the weight thing and a little about the baby thing. She said something to me that's hung with me all day today...she was talking about having seen a doctor who put her on a special diet and though she didn't need to lose weight she ended up losing weight...then she said "I lost a little but of course you have a lot to lose". She went on to try and give me tips on what to eat...she suggested...drum roll please....carrot sticks. Now, you see? This is what I love about therapist (not)...they try to be everything...and what I need is a therapist. I politely said to her as she went on about the carrot sticks, celery, and other such shit, that perhaps if I was going to get suggestions on food I should speak to a nutritionist...she agreed...holy shit is all I can say...man...amateurs! I continue to see her as she's making me think but she said something else that was telling...I mentioned OA and she said, "what's that", I said, Overeaters Anonymous, and she said, never heard of it....holy shit (did I say that already...yes, yes I believe I did) fuck. I'm going to take another angle next time...I'm going to talk about the feelings related to my eating rather than my eating...you know, the disease rather than the symptom..see if we get somewhere. ..*sigh*..

Speaking of...I haven't gone to see the Canadians since I began seeing this chick as Tuesday is this ladies only available day and the same day as OA and in truth it's probably better that I change meetings. I was doing nothing with these ladies but going through the motions and I want to try again to a better attended meeting, get a sponsor and really give it a shot...the problem is finding the time...but we'll have to try to work something out. I'm going back to WW on Sunday with D but it's not enough. I need something to kick my ass down the road to losing weight and deep inside I feel like it's a losing battle and really no pun intended...I mean how else do you express this. I just feel defeated.

My cousin called me today about being her daughter's confirmation sponsor this coming November which means I have to fly over to where they live (Island and no not in the states)...don't want to but can't say no and I already bought a dress as I knew the shit was coming. Oh well...there goes another thousand or so bucks and more stress.. I wonder sometimes if stress ever stops long enough for you to really catch your breath or if it's like one of those torture shits where they dunk your head over and over in the bucket and you just get quick gasps in between each dunk...at least that's how it feels sometimes...quick gasps and a bit more torture.

Anyhow that's what's up with today. All this shit flying through my brain and flying through my life and me just trying to take real quick steps to keep up with it all and not get tripped up by all the shit that brings me down...all the babies around me the pregnant bellies, the time flying by making me older bringing me further and further away from the babies I want...

A little of this and that

Today was one of those days that just wouldn't quit...it was like a mine field of shit at work..never ending and completely exhausting to get through. I think I fucked up at one point and am sure will hear about it on Monday but there were just too many people with too many issues and too many phone calls and too many crisis'. Just an ass kicker and it wasn't one of those days where you kick ass and take numbers..it was just more like holy shit this is kicking my ass and when is it gonna stop. I felt bad as I snapped at Kay at one point. I just didn't want to hear another whine or whimper from anybody and I just needed people to pull their shit together and haul ass and do it right, or at least give it your best shot. Oh well, c'est la vie..what the fuck can you do about it really? Came home and crashed and then went and picked up the sib and went to my mother's. Fine..I'm exhausted.

I don't think I mentioned here or maybe I did, that I haven't been feeling well and for reasons I'm not going to get into right now I am changing general practictioners and have an appointment with a new nurse practictioner on Wednesday. I know my levels are off or some such shit as I can barely make it through the work day, I'm that tired, and having mega issues with my hands and arms and can barely turn my neck..taking breaks as I type because that's where we're at. Been taking a nap each day after work and sleeping hard..it's just not good..am more exhausted than I've been in a long time in a way that's not normal. Gotta get it checked out.

Anyhow, I have more to say about the babymakingshit but right now I don't even want to think about it...just not in a place for it. I will say this as this is what's in the forefront; I don't want to see my RE. Why? Because she's probably very much along and I can't face that. I don't want to face it. Hopefully I won't have to; either they'll find an egg donor after she gives birth or I do it with the other little Canadian guy. I think if I see her I'll cry, not with jealousy I don't think just with the exasperation and frustration of it all.

TGIF

I didn't hear from the girl who offered the eggs after I turned her down in an email...why email? Because we met on the Cryo site and have never spoken in person. I don't want to hurt her as I value the friendship that we've formed but I'm a painfully realistic type of person...if you can't get pg with your eggs I really can't put my money on them either. Kills me as the chick is super nice and any other time the answere would have been a quick and loud yes.

Today was an extremely difficult day at work. I had given most of my staff the day off in one of the areas I work in though thankfully had all my staff in another area (these two areas have nothing to do with each other btw so it's not like they can interchange tasks). Anyhow, I ended up doing work I haven't done in a long time and really, I don't have the patience for it any more. Aside from the patience issue, I get interrupted about a trillion times, my phone wasn't working, and the area that was staffed was having major issues. Kicked my ass today but it felt good to have my juices flowing...felt like I was still alive, that the brain was still working. I was frustrated and glad it was over but also glad to know that I still have it, that I can still do the dirty work.. My job is in human services though not what you'd typically consider human services...you have to be on your toes and guess people's moves, what they're thinking, or be able to get information from them..exhausting. Exhausting, interesting, sad,...it's a lot of things and Mattie, who really had never worked in this type of environment acts as if she finds it as juicy as a soap opera. I guess I'm somewhat jaded as I've worked with the low of the low for too long..to me it's like watching a soap episode except it's the same shit and predictable every day...sometimes the scenes are coming fast and furiously throughout the day and other times you're getting trickles of the show but it's the same fricking show, with the same cast of clowns, pulling the same bullshit move, hurting each other like crazy, using their kids to hurt each other like crazy, being shitty parents...just fucking up each other's lives in general. I'll be honest and say there is a part of my job that I'm not well versed in...that really I have only a little clue about...fucked up huh? I was kind of thrown into it and so I just kind of wing it and do the best I can...so crazy really. If I was more familiar with it, more confident in what I'm doing, I'd probably enjoy it more but it's one of those jobs with too many nuances to do by just observing and I can't really jump in and do it in a way that I'd really be able to learn it...so I'm stuck in this sort of limbo..it is what it is. I'm thankful for the job and though it's not what I wanted to be "when I grew up" it's good enough. A therapist once said to me that loving what you do for a living is a luxury and I believe that's partly true...definitely true in this economy I suppose. Anyhow....

I ate like a pig today and am not looking forward to WW on Sunday as I know it's gone up. I start off the week with the best of intentions and then I fuck it all up..sucks. I'm eating less than I was before but nowhere near my points target that WW wants. Haven't called Rachel either. I don't know what holds me back...my insecurity mostly and a feeling that I won't be successful.  I want what that chick Rachel has..the clean time with the weight loss but I can't find the courage... What a wuss I am, huh?

Tomorrow is another day...tomorrow I'm back on the wagon..again.

Gifts

As much as I bitch I know in truth I've led a very blessed life both with my family and my friends. I have always felt I've had a little guardian Angel sitting on my shoulder though at times, when things get hard, my vision gets hazy and I forget to see my gifts. I had a friend offer me her eggs today. That's one offer of a uterus and one offer of eggs. Is that something or what? People are amazing. Sadly I had to decline and believe me I was tempted...the person was of my same coloring, with freckles, with a similar college major and a similar line of work as I do...and in their early 30's and though the age was only part of the problem, the other thing was, the thing I didn't tell her as I didn't want to hurt her, is that she's had to many miscarriages and I only have this one time...this one time to try...still I'm tempted. And if I get the chance to speak to my doctor, I'll broach the subject with her.

Today at work, I had 3 children in my office ages 4, 5, and 10...sisters...and boy were they adorable...they were with me for a few hours and though I couldn't really work with them in the room with me, I enjoyed their company and my heart ached a little and felt happy too. I found myself thinking about them throughout the day...what they'd be like when they got older. I had put the radio on and the oldest and youngest danced...they were great dancers and I asked the oldest if she was in some type of class...nope...amazing. Anyhow, that was my little joy today. I tried to imagine what it would be like if these were my 3 kids and I had to care for them permanently...could I do it? Yes, I could. Weird as when I watch Diana's kids I don't have this type of connection..but I always hoped for little girls..a .little boy would be wonderful too but I would love one of each (who wouldn't really and how greedy of me) but there it is. So far I have bupkis so who am I to pick what I'd like coming my way..what I'd like is healthy...just give me at least one God and make him healthy.

On the food front, this week I'm not doing so hot. I haven't journaled as accurately as I should have and I've been eating not great food...not crazy bad but not awesomely great. I went to OA on Tuesday and there was a new Canadian...she was Hasidic and beautiful and had maintained a 6 year abstinence, 100 lb. weight loss..unreal. I cried the whole meeting ending with uncontrollable crying..she probably thought I was nuts. I was just feeling overly emotional, and one of the other Canadians, Chaya, consoled and spoke to me for almost an hour afterwards..told me I should consider asking Rachel (that's the new Canadians name) to sponsor me.  I want to ask her to sponsor me but I'm scared. I want to try and hit one of the other meetings she goes to and see if she'd be a good fit but really, that's just me procrastinating and not wanting to do what I have to do. The truth is, I don't want to follow the OA diet. It's super duper strict...and I mean strict...it's basically 1 protein, 1 Fruit, 1 veg, 1 dairy for breakfast, same for lunch, sort of the same for dinner, no caffeine, no sugar, no artificial sweetener, no flour, no wheat. I did it once for 3 days..that's as far as I got. The artificial sweetener shit is the killer. I couldn't even have a yogurt...it had to be plain with some fruit and if you've ever eaten plain yogurt it's sour as all shit...gross. Oatmeal with no sweetener...I managed to get it down by slicing some apple into it and sprinkling it with cinnamon...in short, it's not easy. How people do this for years on end is unbelievable to me. I want someone who'll sponsor me on the WW diet...which is possible..we'll see. Procrastination...is the thief of time...story of my life. Anyhow, this lady Rachel, was an inspiration to me as she is where I want to be...100 lbs down and 6 years clean..amazing.

Aside from that, Allison from the clinic got back to me yesterday as I hadn't heard anything and I believe I mentioned when I called the clinic 2 days ago the receptionist was kind of short with me which hurt my feelings. Anyhow, Allison was cool. She explained this process of finding someone can take up to 6 months or more but they're actively looking...okay, as long as they didn't forget about me. So that's where I'm at.

Yesterday, I found out the guy that I'd been crushing on is married with kids. Figures. It didn't hurt really was just disappointing as I'd had a nice little chat with him earlier in the day, and I liked his style though I also found out he's a little wild..I'm a loser picker..did I mention that..I pick losers, they either drink too much, have some type of personality disorder, or are wack-a-doos...Anyway... I'm sorry but there should be a rule that if you're married, you have to wear a ring and if you're in a committed relationship, you should have a big scarlet letter posted to your forehead...I think a lot of people would be happy with this. I don't understand, and maybe it's because I'm not/have never been married..why you would allow your spouse to go out ringless and let me tell you...a lot of people who use the excuse that it interferes with their job (police, plumbers, et cetera) are just full of shit...it doesn't. I've shot a gun with all my rings no problem and fixed shit around the house no problem...just saying. It should be a law...that way there's no confusion.

I'm feeling good today as opposed to the rest of earlier this week where I couldn't stop crying and snivelling but the truth of the matter is, this is a painful time in my life...one of many painful times in my life. Chaya at the Canadians suggested perhaps I need to speak to a professional and perhaps I do..what the frick do I know...but I often feel that sometimes you just feel what you feel and why is it when you feel sad everyone thinks  you need to speak to someone? People feel emotions and half of what is wrong with life is that feeling them, and expressing them is unacceptable. Well, I feel them and at this point in my life, and for the first time in a long time, I don't feel I need a shrink. I think about it often; how I haven't been to see someone in a long time but for once I feel like I'm dealing. It may not be pretty the way I'm dealing, but I am. I am feeling what I feel and accepting it...the good the bad and the ugly. Life has not been easy for me though I know it's been substantially generous in many respects...not maybe in my personal life, no, not in my personal life, because to say that would be to lie to myself, but in other respects, in terms of friendships. work, and financials, it's been better than a lot of people have and I've been blessed...so for today, I'm keeping that in the forefront. Tomorrow is another story..

Adoption

Just wanted to write a little blurb on adoption. I have a sort of connection to adopt from Haiti though I hadn't seen the chick in a while. Today she came into my office and we had an opportunity to talk. The process is difficult and it would entail a trip to Haiti...something I really don't want to do. I love Haitian people, I actually speak some Creole which always shocks people as it's not a typical language to learn but it's always intrigued me... I know that it's very dangerous there, very poor, and very dangerous, and though I won't explain how I know so much about it, suffice is to say that I do, even though I've never been there nor am I Haitian. I always wanted to visit until I learned so much about it. It is now a place that even thinking about it scares the shit out of me. We'll see what happens. I gave her some of my personal information and she gave me hers and we'll see where this leads. The one positive is that I meet all of Haiti's requirements for adoption; they ask that you be over 35, you can be single (woohoo!!), and it seems that although not absolutely necessary, they prefer that you don't have other children. This is not an absolute for me, and I'm unsure of the cost but at least I have a start to some info. I haven't given up on the egg donor thing and as a matter of fact, go next Monday to have my second HSG..fun fun. Just wanted to update.

On the food front:

I have been hesitant to write about dieting, food, compulsive overeating, et cetera, on here because it is such a sensitive subject for me and I find that too often, people have simple answers for a complicated problem. By the same token, I have to deal with my food issues so here it is. Kay has a bowl of candy in her office and she won't get rid of it. It tortures me and I can hardly resist it. It's like leaving a glass of vodka available at any time when you have a drinker in the office but alas, I know this is not Kay's problem, it's mine. I find myself eating to assuage my stress and anxiety. I have been obsessing over Asshole and I thought I had washed the thoughts of him out of my head but apparently I haven't. I gotta get over it. I have to move on with my life and I know I will. I'm not sure which came first the chicken or the egg; if it's that thinking of him is giving me the anxiety or it's the anxiety making me think of him....crazy. And though I find that I am having trouble controlling my food, I did begin to journal my food again and I also weighed myself (not as bad as I had thought). I am loosely following the WW program though I'm not going to meetings..will start these, God willing, on Sunday. Will continue with OA but if nobody shows up tomorrow...that's it...I'm done. I'm not doing this shit again where I go and nobody else is there..that's bullshit.

Anyhow, that's it. I'm tired and frustrated tonight and want to drink and smoke and can't write. That's where I am in this life. Just taking one step at a time trying not to walk off that proverbial bridge and just realize that this too shall pass, and that there is always a better day on the horizon. I have to believe this even when I don't believe it. Gotta keep on keeping on (though I hate that saying it fits).

Trying

I spent most of the day indoors today doing nothing really but watching crime tv....watched until I couldn't take it anymore and then showered went to my mother's, argued a bit with her over shit she wants me to do that I don't want to, read the paper, and went out with the siblings to Walmart and then for a late dinner at a "Chili's" type place. I'm trying, trying to regroup, to feel better, to just feel normal but I can't seem to make my way out of the house without bumping into a pregnant person or a child or to just hear the screaming/crying of a child and I myself find myself wanting to scream and cry and throw my own sort of tantrum at the insanity and hopelessness I feel in my heart and in my whole body really. I don't want to see kid's toys, kid's clothes, ads for baby shit, anything related to what I dream about and of course, it's impossible. It's literally life and I can't seem to find a comfortable place in it. Staying indoors isn't helping my mental state...it makes me feel more alone and more isolated than I've been feeling lately if that's possible. Just feeling like I don't belong and feeling so resentful. I really am and though I'm trying not to, trying not to be mad at God and the universe, the Fates or what have you, I am mad, I'm bitter, and I hate the feeling, and I can't help but wonder if there really is something controlling destiny...maybe this is all just me begging nobody for anything. I don't usually share those feeling because I know they're terrible but sometimes they creep into my thoughts...that it's just luck of the draw what happens and what doesn't. I don't know. I don't like to think about that.
In the meantime, I'm trying to focus once again on my weight and on just being healthier; making healthier choices...something that I at least have some semblance of control over. I lost control of the eating sometimes...part of the whole problem in a nutshell I suppose. I continue going to OA though I was pissed last week when nobody else showed though I did most of the meeting on the phone until the only caller hung up...I just picked up my shit and hightailed. it. I'm trying. Next week I'm starting WW again for the billionth time.
That's it. My life in a nutshell for today. Just trying to live it and not fall apart, not self destruct which is easier said than done. A part of me wants to eat what I want, drink like a fish and smoke like a chimney..I won't. At least not today.

Quiet

There's been a quiet in my life this past week; in my life and inside of me. It's  a little unsettling as I'm used to the run run running of my life at 100 miles an hour, never stopping, just moving forward but it's been quiet. I've made no new acupuncture appointment this week and have been laying low after work each day except for the meeting with the Canadians on Tuesday. I've been verbally quiet as well and I guess it's just a time for contemplation and to try and regroup. Dr. B called me on Monday apologizing for not having called me on Friday and told me the films after the HSG exam were clear and that the corners of my uterus seem clear unlike last time which is a good thing, however, she didn't get a clear shot of the body of my uterus and therefore I have to do the HSG test again..fine...I have to wait for my period next month as it has to be done day 7-10 of my cycle...fine. She wants me to use a different place that does the test exactly like she wants..I ask her to please let me do it at the same place as the doctor was nice and I felt more comfortable. She says she'll call the doctor and see if she'll do the test the way she needs and she'll call me back tomorrow but alas she hasn't called and there is a slight feeling of anxiety waiting combined with a feeling of not wanting to know anymore.  A fear of knowing I suppose and of enjoying the brief respite in my life from all that baby making chaos.
There is a new girl at work that took Lexi's place..a nice girl it seems..young. And there is something I am seeing there..some sort of pain I suppose and I feel bad that she is lost in the crazy that is my workplace. I haven't reached out to her the way I normally would with someone new and scared as I work in a place similar to what I imagine purgatory would be..a step up from hell really where people are mean and cunning but it gets you what you need..paid. They're doing layoffs soon, I believe I mentioned..though I heard it doesn't touch us. We'll see... nerve wracking. Anyhow, I want to reach out to this girl but I feel empty right now. In the rooms of OA they talk about how you gain strength from helping others and perhaps this is what I need in my life. I will try and seek her out but honestly, I feel emotionally weak, just emotionally immobile right now. I will try though as everybody needs somebody and being alone is just crippling. I have Kay at work and if that wasn't the case I don't know what I would do. I'll reach out.
Other than that, I'm just waiting. I went on some sites that offer donor eggs and actually looked at some of the donors which was interesting. The one place near me offers egg programs starting at $25K not including meds or any of the IVF procedure...shit. Hoping this works out financially as I've sort of worked it out in my head. Time will tell.

Back in the swing

I was supposed to have gotten my HSG exam yesterday, that's the test where they shoot the dye through your fallopian tubes...anyhow, I had called them on Friday to make the appointment and specifically requested a female which they assured me would be the case but I've dealt with these clowns before so yesterday, before I requested the time from the boss, I called them. Yeah, they said not only did I cancel my appointment but it's scheduled with a male...they put me on hold to double check as they are utterly confused and the manager comes on..."Is there a problem with your appointment"..Ummm, yeah they told me I cancelled and that I was scheduled with a male. "No, it's not cancelled but you're scheduled with a male"...I go over the whole thing how I'd requested a female she tries to put it on me saying perhaps I didn't explain good enough...a female...the thing with a vagina between her legs..that's a female..it's who I want performing the test...No, we have doctor so and so...yeah I say, I've met that dick wad...he's an ass...and this sounds like an inside problem to me not something I need to hear about so do you have an appointment with a female for me or not? No. Thank you and good bye...fucker...but I didn't say fucker..I cried instead because it's just too frustrating this process and I've really had enough...I call the other radiology place near me explain I need a female she puts me on hold forever and says she has an availability for me. I say "with a female"? She says no, no female. I say, (and I did say this) "are you guys all fucking retarded or are you just trained to act fucking stupid"...I hang up and make a note to never go there...I finally find a place about an hour from me and the next state over who has a female..I take the appointment for 12 though I know I have an appointment for "D" this morning at 10 and hope that I can hustle and make it on time.
I had asked my sibling to go with me to "D"'s appointment and one of them agreed to go. Of course when I say, you want to pick me up at work as it's right near there they say, No, I'll find it...so this morning I'm hustling trying to do my hair as I wasn't going to work I get a call from the sib...where is this place...I explain and think shit they'll be there too early as they'd already gotten to the town next door an hour ahead. I get to "D"'s program and lo and behold, no sib...we wait another 15 minutes and finally they arrive...awesome. We get through it, I go to the place for radiology, who by the way are super nice and make me start to think that it's just us New Yorkers who suck ass, and get home, crash on the couch. When I started writing this post, I was finalizing my decision not to go to OA and last minute I threw on the sneakers and went. I didn't want to go because I didn't want to answer all the questions from the Canadians...it's just that I'm exhausted by the experience already and it's draining. But I went and of course Sara, who is very pushy had very strong opinions about everything and really, who needs someone else's opinions. Sara had a very bad experience raising her only son and has tremendous guilt as she feels she did a shitty job and to be truthful, from what she says, she did do a shitty job. Apparently she was a wild woman when she was younger with too many boyfriends and she allowed one of them to beat the shit out of her son...left him black and blue and she let it happen and didn't step in so now her son has resentments. I adore Sara and she is very sweet and supportive and to be frank I can't picture living how she's described as she is a Hasidic Jew now though one of the other Canadians explained that this wasn't always the case. Anyhow, I spent too long talking with her outside and it was fine but really I need to make my decisions on my own. She thinks I'm making a mistake wanting a child though one of the other girls Shannon, agrees with me as she also has personal regrets never having had a child of her own. These girls are in their 60's by the way and all of them practice some form of the Jewish religion though Sara is by far the most religious and strictest. Nice girls. Anyhow, I went, I saw, and I didn't conquer but I'm glad I went though I didn't take back my responsibility of carrying the shit back and forth. I don't know where I'll be emotionally from week to week and didn't want to commit so...Okay, enough of me babbling.

Shitty....(yes, yes, witty I know)

I'm feeling shitty today as you may have guessed. I was back at the grind and was only overwhelmed momentarily by the humongous pile of mail on my desk and it's not the kind you can just skim....I actually have to read each line looking for certain shit in there...if you saw the piles you'd cry. Thankfully one of the other chicks (who is supposed to pick up my slack in my absence) had actually stepped up and read a pile commenting holy shit you get a ton of mail..no shit. So work was fine...there was the usual email full of greek gobbledy gook that I don't understand and a bit of the normal chaos but nothing outstanding which usually means we'll get the backlash the next day...that's how my job is...if it ain't crazy on a Monday just wait for it as it's coming. Any ol' how I was talking to Kay about my 5 little embryos in my belly or whatever is left of them. Each time I go to the bathroom and wipe (yes, tmi but oh well), I think, did I just wipe away my baby? Probably. I have this pit in my stomach that it just won't happen and I asked Kay twice now to repeat what the doctor said...that they're all 6 and 8 cells with no fragments which I know is just a bit of an increase to my odds but I need reassurance that the odds were better this time.  I have this overwhelming feeling of melancholia...not depression where you feel like life is hopeless but this deep sadness in the very core of me...this ache really...just grasping at the last strings of hope...so emotionally painful. I'm supposed to go see the Canadians tomorrow but don't think I can....just don't want the questions ...too much I tell you...just too much for me. I go Friday to the doctor for my test...it wouldn't be so bad if I could have the weekend to regroup but a weekend where I have to interact with my family seems like it might put me over the edge. I want to scream at the frustration of the situation and I think, Why? Why did I wait so long to do this shit? Why did I have to be so scared? There is nothing to fear in this life yet I'm always running scared and I think why the fuck did I have to be such a chicken waiting for some man that wasn't coming to rescue me and give me the support I never really needed except in the fairy tails swimming in my fucking head? I should have tried a year after I got the cancer clearance...but alas I didn't and I have to move forward with this one regret hanging in my life. Too painful really. These stupid celebrities making it seem like we have forever when we don't...why do we buy into their bullshit hype. Don't know.

Later this same day....
I don't know why I can't seem to pull myself up today. Though I'm not necessarily feeling like I'm unraveling per se I just am in somewhat of a funk...perhaps preparing myself for Friday in a way...a premature mourning...trying to protect myself ..as usual. I just want this whole fight to be over...just for someone to either give me my gift or chop me off at the knees already..it's such a torturous limbo to live in..not knowing if what you are living is a pipe dream or not. I thank God for Kay as I'd never would have been able to hang in here for this long...she's my main support which is pretty pathetic but there it is. I'm playing the crying game tonight and I can't seem to help myself...just need to soothe myself in some way and once again dream of the day when I can sit out on my balcony with either  a glass of wine or a beer and a cigarette and finally exhale from this suspended nightmare. Today at work I felt a flicker of excitement and I had to tamp it down..I can't do this to myself again and would rather go from sad to happy than from happy to sad...status quo is fine but I don't want to plummet...just can't keep plummeting month after month. Oh well...this is all out of my hands and I guess I have no choice but to let go and let God and see what the future brings. I read a quote someone wrote yesterday that said God never says no, His answer is Yes, Not Yet, or I have something better for you...hope this is true though can't imagine better. Have to trust and keep the Faith. As they say in "the rooms" thanks for letting me share. These posting have so helped me just unload.
BTW, I wanted to post that I have been having few if any symptoms...only small sharp pains which I believe are a result of the progesterone as they seem familiar from last time. No sore boobs or none of the other fake pregnancy crap I've usually gotten which is good.

8DP3D ET

So today was officially my 8th day post 3 day embryo transfer. I tested this morning and I tested again tonight..both negatives. I was going to post a pic of the pee stick but I figured if you're reading this you're all too familiar with what a negative pee stick looks like...it looks sad..it looks like it could cry all by itself sitting there on your bathroom vanity with just that one lonely line waiting for a mate that'll never show up. Ahhh, well, c'est la vie I suppose. I'll test again in the a.m. and then I'm off to the doctor and I am seriously considering just calling out. I'm tired. I cried all morning, cried all evening and spent the hours in between stressed by the drama of the bitches at work that can't seem to get along. I missed OA tonight..completely forgot about it except that "D", that sweet thing knows Tuesdays are meetings nights and called me to tell me it was time for me to go..cute that "D" always remembers...love "D" to pieces, like a child I've never had. Anyhow, one of the Canadians called me right before the meeting to say they were running late and I told them I wasn't going..they asked me about being pregnant and I told them...supportive as usual. I could cry from how sweet people have been..Lexi at work and the Canadians..sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet..people that show you kindness. Anyhow, I'm sitting here crying and feeling guilty and Tess has been bored out of her skin. I've tried to play with her as much as possible but when you're down and out it ain't easy. Anyhow, tomorrow is another day and I gotta wake up at the crack of ass to go to the doctors.

Canada

I went to see the Canadians today. Only Robby was there which was fine and we also had a couple of people on the phone bridge. When the meeting ended Robby asked me about the baby making thing, the food thing, and in general how am I holding up. I told her the whole baby making fiasco story and also how my eating is out of control and I can't seem to get a grip...the worst it's been in a long time. She made me promise to go to another meeting this week and I'm going to try and really do it not just say it or make an excuse. We had a nice long talk and basically she told me I needed more meetings and to just get 3 days in and I would start from there. On the baby making topic, she told me to not give up, to try and lose some weight to make it easier to carry and shared how she never tried and now at 60-something has major regrets...even tried to adopt when she was in her 50's but realized she was just too old...said it was the biggest regret of her life. I left there feeling hopeful..more hopeful than I had in a long time. I set up a meeting with a new therapist yesterday for next week..don't believe I mentioned it. We'll see how it goes. I'm going to really try with this chick unless she's a complete psycho freak...have to get my mental affairs in order.

It was a difficult day...the boss was emailing me like she'd just discovered the shit, clients were lining up like we were giving away toasters and we just didn't have the man power, my mother's shrink called to advocate for my mother (and that's a story for another day...didn't go too well for the shrink and we'll leave it at that), and I ended the work day at my endocrinologist office which was fine but for whatever reason I always leave there feeling like fuck so tried to rush home...took me almost an hour and wanted to cry with the frustration of the day and cancel on the Canadians but God is good and I'm thankful I didn't as it turned into a nice night.

Keeping on..

I believe I mentioned I had gotten my period after work Monday. I was glad to get it as the Dr. mentioned I was to have gotten it over the weekend and when it hadn't come I was worried that perhaps it never would again. Monday and yesterday it was pretty light but today it came in normally except with excruciating cramps. So bad in fact, that I took 3 advil this morning, had to leave work early as I was in real pain, came home and slept for a bit over an hour and had to take 3 more advils..pain. I found myself tearful again today, not so much while I'm at work but when I'm alone. I came home and got to watch some of those shows on TLC where they show people having babies or bringing them home or what have you..I cried..cried when I was happy for them and cried when I was sad for me.

I went to see the Canadians last night and my two regular friends did not come. Some other Canadians whom I'd never met before came and was a total bitch. I shared with the people on the phone and broke down crying in front of the bitch..I didn't care. I find myself caring less about mundane things which is good though I'm still obsessive about work. I have to be careful at work as that one chick Horseface is very angry at me..she is a very dangerous person and therefore my hackles are up and on guard..we'll see what happens..and there's a part of me that doesn't care about that either. The part that cares is the one where hope lives and I'm still hoping for that baby so I need my job more than ever.

Well, that's it in a nutshell and just wanted to touch base briefly before I hit the hay. Life continues but there's a little piece of me that doesn't want to. I know that the beat goes on and I've got to roll with the punches, and all those other motivating cliches but I'm getting tired..I've been tired and I'm getting more tired..two more tries and then I'm pretty much I don't know where.

I Piss on Canada!!

I went to see the Canadians (OA mtg) tonight and nobody showed up...again. I was pissed. I was throwing up all night and have been sick to my stomach all day and dragged my ass the whole half hour there in the dark through the frigging woods and nobody. There was 2 people on the phone line at least so we did a quick 1/2 hour meeting with all 3 of us sharing. Came home and Tess and I took a long walk though in reality it was a little scary as it really is friggin dark around this complex. Came back in to find a phone message from one of the Canadians explaining she couldn't come because she was exhausted and so on...fine fine...this meeting seems to be going to shit...I'd be surprised if it hangs on without disbanding as it just gets no play...it seems Tuesday night is not a good night for compulsive overeaters...maybe they're all home watching the biggest loser...Who TF knows?

Anyhow, went to the IVF class this morning. It was very informative and made me feel positive that there could possibly be more than the 3 tries depending on how many eggs are harvested. Harvest? Is that the right term? Anyhow I came back and googled the percentage rate of women my age (40) becoming pregnant with IVF...15% which isn't fooling anybody. That statistic sucks. I didn't realize it was that low and for IUI it is only 5%...who knew. Well, I'm gonna try and if it's not in the cards, it's not in the cards and I have to move forward with possibly adopting or doing whatever...I don't know what. I had a frank talk with God and told him I'm not sure what is going on with him and I ...what he wants me to do in this life but I pray he shows me the way. As sacrilegious as this may sound, I'm going to see a psychic tomorrow...hoping she can shed some light..it's cheating but I'm hard up right now plus I don't 100% believe..it's fun though and gives me hope that some day my prince may indeed come on a white horse and everything while sitting outside on a picnic bench..no?

Oh, I failed to mention I got my fucking period today...while taking progesterone mind you even though the doctor told me I wouldn't get it..I did...period is stronger than iron I tell you...bitch just keeps coming to rain on my parade..

Well, I've got Tess here munching away on a bullystick..she'll have to do as my child for now..she really is such a sweetheart. Love her to pieces. She sat so still today as I brushed her hair just enjoying it..so sweet that little princess..like a little angel from heaven. I swear God sent her special for me to love as she's been a joy even in times of real sadness for me..

Crabby, frustrated, and plain ol' feeling like shi#

I'm on progesterone which I'm not sure if I mentioned here earlier. I started Saturday and of course it has all kinds of side effects that are basically like exaggerated feelings of your period. I'm crabby as all heck and sensitive and then I fluctuate between the two emotions and just feel plain ol' crazy. I went to see the new therapist last week and again today. Perhaps I'm not in a good place to judge or what have you but this one is a dud as well...when you're cutting me off at every sentence to complete it with whatever is going on in your mind...ummm, yeah,..no!At this point I feel like giving up but I really hate the idea of not having a backup therapist in case I start to lose it. Co dependant? Perhaps but realize I don't exactly get prime adult interaction on a regular basis.. I minimally interact with my siblingss during the week except for "D" and that's not normal adult conversation. My friends all seem to be going through a crisis at the same time so it's not like they need to hear my pidley shit so a therapist is ideal for me and I've had one for most of my adult life. I also have to add that depression runs in my family big time so I also use it as a preventive so that I never sink into a funk too deep to climb out of.

Last night I hung with the Canadians..well, one Canadian and really you can consider her a civilian. She asked me, "Are you sure you want to do this, have a baby?" I told her I was pretty sure. She said that when she was my age (40) she didn't want to have a baby and now she regrets it every day of her life (she's in her early 60's). I told her that I've heard this from a lot of people. Jecca at work who I'm currently not really speaking to, is one of my big motivators for trying..I look at her and can't help but see a sad life. I realize I'm not her and our thinking is different but the end result is..living life for just yourself is not my idea of living life. For some people it may be enought to amass wealth, or have a big house..to me that's all just bull shit. Yes, I need some things but I'm definitely not a keeping up with the anybody kind of person. That's just not what my life is about. So I have to try. I'm currently in my two week wait and will test on Sunday. I don't think I am for whatever reason..I just get the feeling this is going to be as hard as possible for me. Time will tell.

What do I do with all of this?

I went to see the Canadians today. There was a new chick there..just as heavy as me but shorter..married..a little odd or at least it seemed to me. Had a talk with one of them afterwards regarding the whole fertility thing and food thing and she said perhaps the hormones are making me eat more...it's possible. I know that I haven't felt this crazy in a long time. And on that note: I told my therapist that I didn't want to see her any more. She emailed me to say she was puzzled...This statement, though brief, infuriates me, and I'll tell you why (rational or irrational). I just feel that as a therapist, whatever it is you're feeling is your problem..period! So you tell me you're puzzled and what do you want me to do with that as your client because I most certainly am not your peer in this relationship.. you're puzzled? well, that in a nutshell says it all. I'm puzzled too and when I find a shrink that can figure out this puzzle, I'll give you her number. Fucking crazy ass therapists..give me a sane therapist..a thing that apparently doesn't exist unless that person has worked on themselves for years and years, and continues to work on attaining a semblance of sanity to spread to those of us less fortunate folks. Shit! I wrote her back and just said "Thank you (name). I appreciate you having seen me". Really I wanted to write "I know you're puzzled..duh" but I can't..that's the bitch in me. Maybe it's the hormones, maybe it's the food, the two years sans cigarettes that to this day haunts and taunts, whatever it is, I'm cranky and irritable and not in the mood for shit. Weird that my old therapist recommended her as they couldn't be more different and the only thing I can see they had in common is that they were both lesbians..other than that..nothing. I called some other chick today who called me back pretty quickly thought there seemed to be a note of disinterest in her message. Will make an appointment and try her out. I know what I'm looking for..I'm looking for someone calm and reliable..someone who calls you when you call them and lets me talk. I wanted to say so much in my last session and I ended up being able to squeeze two words in and left pissed. Still pissed. Puzzled.

I had to inject myself twice tonight as I only had 300 iu left in the cartridge and needed to take 375 iu and I certainly wasn't going to toss the 300 iu I had left..I heard that stuff cost a fortune..thank God for government insurance. I did it but it adds to the irritation of it all. It's hard for me to explain why injecting myself upsets me so much but it just does. I really can't stand it and just want to feel normal again. I'll have to hang in as the only way to get off the hormones is to get pregnant and then my hormones really kick in..Shit.

So that's that for tonight..I got a barrel full of feelings and nothing to do with them. Nobody to listen to them or nobody I care to burden with them so I'm throwing them out to the universe. Enjoy!

Excitement

Tomorrow I go back to the RE as my period came on Saturday. Hoping this doesn't screw it up that I got it on a long weekend so it's not "day one" when I go in. I'm not going to lie...I'm scared of getting pregnant. It's scary doing it alone no matter how prepared you think you are, how ballsy you feel you are, how against the grain you've lived the rest of your life, having a baby alone, or planning to have one is scary. The first month I tried I was so pysched and I'm trying to conjure about that feeling of enthusiasm and excitement but I think things were slightly different then. My family didn't know, I had a good therapist, my friend Ollie was on board, all minor but major things. So I'm scared. This isn't a good week to gauge anything, I keep telling myself, as I have my period which makes me feel vulnverable and emotional, the boss comes back which leaves me feeling angry and somewhat hopeless, and my best friend is out of state.. Also, today is a Monday but really like a Sunday..the worst day of the week for me as it's back to work I go. Well, I know this: I'm lucky to have a job, this feeling will pass, and last but of most importance, I know that if I don't have a child I will regret it for the rest of my life..so onward we go perhaps not excited but hopeful. I think what's really killing me, what's really been renting space in my head for free is the loss of that "ideal family" which in my heart I know doesn't exist but sometimes I just wish I'd had the opportunity to experience this for myself..but time is running out and alone I must go or I won't get to go at all. That's life and I can't get everything I've ever wanted..most people can't and don't no matter how it looks from across the fence..I have to believe this or I'd be yelling "it's not fair". Realistically, I know I've been blessed in my life..I see the people starving in Africa and have met hungry people right here in the U.S. and I know that there but for the Grace of God goes me..so I have been blessed and continue to be blessed. Have to not feel sorry for myself which I think sometimes I find hard. Ah well, all life lessons and character defects to overcome. Tomorrow I go to the RE, then work, then to the Canadians.. and as usual..the beat goes on.

Funk

I'm feeling a little down at the thought of not trying this month but realistically, buying anything right now would be downright ridiculous. I have a little in savings, maybe 7k which really isn't much and my goal is to have a nice hefty reserve in there for maternity leave as I will probably have to fund at least 2 months of leave completely out of pocket and I don't want to start this journey off already in a state of financial struggle, well, more financial struggle than it will be. I've estimated I would need about 1k a month for child care at least and will have to live very frugally for several years. That's fine but I can't start off owing thousands of dollars. Like I said, I wanted to cap off my spending at 5k so I have to bring this vet bill down a bit before I try again. Shit!! Thank God I was able to make a little extra this month at work. But still, I'm disappointed. Will have to live with that disappointment I suppose. It just seems like a month is a long time to wait now and I just want to start this journey already....the more I wait the more the fear that it will never happen penetrates my thoughts.

Oh,I never mentioned I told my mother yesterday I was trying. She shakes her head in disapproval, and says, "well that's your problem"...LOL!!! that is so my mother it's laughable. I guess that's why I never mentioned it..it was a typical shrug off from her. When I had cancer and broke the news to her, she had been watching television. I told her and she just raised her eyebrows and went back to watching. She's a good one for ignoring crap she doesn't want to hear, think about, or doesn't affect her. I don't take it as an "I don't care", I take it as an "I can't deal"..you have to think of it this way or drive yourself crazy. She's my mother and I love her but she really doesn't make it easy.

So everyone that needed to know now knows. I haven't told my father because I don't talk to him about such things. I think he'll be thrilled though but will tell him when it actually happens.

So that was my weekend in a nutshell. Tomorrow my Tess comes home if all goes well. I'm feeling so alone without her and never thought I'd feel so lost. Hope she's okay. The vet called me this morning and said they still aren't sure what is wrong but think it may be a blockage in her intestine and they're waiting for her to pass something. I'm worried as my work week is a bit hectic and Tuesday in particular is going to be hard. I don't want to leave her alone. I have the OA meeting but the Canadians will not be there so I have to go it alone. I'm thinking of sneaking Tess in with me. The meeting is in a hospital though so...not sure how that will go. I guess we'll see.

Fukcen Funk

I think I am in a serious funk or some such thing. I can't seem to find the energy for anything and I just feel like shit. I have been eating out of control and just feeling detached. It could be due to my period coming but nonetheless, I don't feel like myself. My therapist has also been away for a month and that's usually where I go to just let my feelings all hang out or whatever it is that's renting space in my head. I think I mentioned she's retiring and she referred me to two people though the first chick couldn't accomodate my schedule and the second wasn't on my insurance and though usually I'd pay the deductible and just move on with it, I'm not in a financial position to do that right now or any time in the near future soo...

I saw the Canadians yesterday. I didn't want to go but since I have a commitment and am in charge of all the paraphenalia, off I went. It was a good meeting. I am starting to feel like I'm a part of the group even though there really is only 4 or 5 of us but we're regulars so... I wish I could just abstain and do what I have to do food wise but that seems to be slow going for me. Ms. Mattie tells me keep going to meeting and the mind will follow..I hope so.

I was researching IUI with a blocked fallopian and it just doesn't look like my odds are that great. As of now I have spent about $1,300 on two vials of "stuff" and put it on my AMEX card which is fine but if the odds aren't in my favor, it looks like I can be doing that another 5, 6, or more times... I guess I'll speak to my RE when I get my period. That's the other thing, my regular RE may not be available and I'll have to see one of the guys there. I have a thing about male Dr.'s....I don't use male Dr.'s. The only two I have are my dentist and a specialist and that's only because he did the cancer thing with me and I don't get naked in front of him. Any time I've had surgery, I've worn men's boxer briefs to ensure there was no funny business...I know sounds paranoid but I err on the side of caution as many Dr.'s are perverts just like everyone else...did I tell you I don't trust men???

My friend Ollie is coming down from Tx to visit on Friday. Initially he was going to stay with me. He is the one male I trust (to a point) plus he's gay, plus I've known him since high school. His partner is coming too which wasn't in the original plans and I don't think the partner likes me much so needless to say Ollie might spend one night with me and that's it. Wish I'd have more notice as I had wanted to fix my house a little...get new curtains and such..we'll see what I can whip up. Ollie has seen me through much of the worst and vice versa...believe it or not he also had cancer and so did his partner...weird as we're all relatively young. Anyhow, when I had a big problem with "D" and had just been emotionally damaged I had gone to see him for about 2 weeks. He helped me pull myself together and put things in perspective and just let me breathe for a minute. I would get up early and make coffee and bring a book outside and sit by the edge of his pool and just read and meditate. I remember one time, I had decided to lie on a float in his pool (I can't swim) and he was working in his bedroom office and he opened up the french doors in his bedroom that led out to the pool (yes, one of two gorgous, built to suit homes..so jealous) and I asked him what he was doing and he said making sure you're okay while I work. Thought that was sweet...Anyhow, he just got me through and it seems like every time we meet it's because one of us needs the other. He stayed with me a little bit ago when the whole shit at work happened and when he was really sick with cancer, I flew out to Tx to take care of him and clean his house and make sure he was okay. I always said, if I could meet a straight guy similar to Ollie, I would marry him in a minute. We just click. We can talk for hours or stay quiet for hours and it's all good. When he heard I was trying to get pregnant he said he was moving here to NY to be with me and they'd sell their house in Tx which I thought was also sweet. His partner even seemed to go with the plan and he has an extremely serious job so I was surprised..I think after the excitement settled he realized he needed to rethink that plan and honestly, I don't want a baby daddy for my child...though I'd love "uncles" for him or her. Ollie said they were still thinking of coming but would wait til the baby was here.

There is a part of me that feels the baby won't come...scares me that I'll put all my hopes into him or her coming and he won't show. My father said to me the other day that he dreamt of two boy babies holding on to his leg. I was shocked as I made no mention of babies to him but my father and mother have always been very intuitive in their own way. I won't say psychic but my mother was a superb "guesser" before the dementia and my father has always been extremely sensitive to his environment. I believe in psychic power or sixth sense so...maybe it's crazy but I do believe people are given gifts of sensitivity though I also realize I may be wrong and in fact people are just persceptive or good "guessers".

Anyway, though I'm scared my baby won't come, I feel the need to try though I question myself at times. I'm hoping this is normal though. I picked out names for either a boy or a girl though I won't mention what they are. The boys is a more common name but the girl's is not...it's a simple one syllable name and my two best friends Kay and Diana said it sounds beautiful and sophisticated. ..it is similar to a name like Ty (if it were a boy), or Faye...just simple. It came to me one night and I have no idea how as I've never heard of anyone with that as a first name but I just knew it was perfect. If "she" comes I'll post it. I came to the realization the other day while talking with Diana until 2 in the morning that this is probably the only child I will ever have (if I can indeed manage to get PG). I kept saying well in a few years once you have this one you can try again but I don't think that's likely. We'll see I suppose. I never wanted to have an only child as I feel children suffer when they're alone but unless I have twins (would LOVEEE it!!!) it seems like an only child it will be. But I'm counting my chicken here. I'm praying for a healthy child if that's God's will so we'll see.

Crazy food addiction

So I decided to start trying to follow the 90 day OA plan (no flour, no sugar, no artificial sweetener, no whatever the frick) today. I started my day off with a bowl of plain oatmeal flavored with a little cinnamon, a cup of coffee which is not allowed, and minus the fruit as my stomach can't deal with fruit and I had to go to Weight watchers this a.m. So breakfast was fine...ate it and felt fine. I go to WW, lost 3.8 lbs (no celebration as this is the 4 I gained last week with my friggin period), ran to my friend's house who had pregnancy books for me, and ran home starving. I wanted to stop and buy some fish as I thought it'd be nice to have fish, brown rice and some spinach or other veg but of course was too hungry to start shopping so I came home, put a few baby potatoes to nuke, scrambled an egg along with a container of egg white, and sauteed some broccolli with onions and peppers. (I mixed the eggs with the broccolli and put some reduced fat cheese on top). Ate all of that and felt that crazy feeling you get when you need a little sugar or a cracker or piece of bread so had a piece of fruit..still no good. So I'm sitting here with my bottle of seltzer saying "listen you crazy animal..settle down now, settle down".

 If you haven't spent your entire life dieting, researching dieting, learning about compulsive overeating, and why people who are fat stay fat, you're probably thinking, wtf is wrong with this chick? But whether we choose to acknowledge it or not, thinking that the person just has to diet and excercise, is somewhat primitive and ignorant; if you have half a brain cell, you'd have to acknowledge that there is more to the problem than that but my point is not to lecture..my point is: I have a serious problem with food. Now you're probably thinking I'm one of those people that have to be forklifted out of my house...that's not the case at all as I excercise daily and have a regular life, and though I'm overweight it's not stand out overweight...
nonetheless, my addiction to food is very real, very heart breaking, very painful.

How I first made the final decision to start trying to get pregnant was related to my weight. Last month I'm at the doctor's office..my regular G.P. and she is flipping through my chart commenting that I've gained a tremendous amount of weight in the last few years.."How come?" she says. "Cancer and quitting smoking", I say. She nods. I explain how I can't seem to get it off and she says "have you considered...", "Lap band", I say. "Yes" she says. I explain that I am now at a crossroads in my life where though I have considered lap band I would like to have a child though I'm uncertain if perhaps I'm too overweight? "Oh no", she says.."go have your baby. Lap band can wait a few years". and right there I could have cried with joy...I cry as I write this. So here I am ..day one of the OA 90 day, struggling but still trying as I know the lighter I am the better off I am.

I've been going to OA for about maybe 5 months however I only go to one meeting. It's a meeting made up of mostly Orthodox jewish women which is fine with me as I am able to keep my identity on the DL (I know a lot of people and they know me right back and they're the good, the bad, and the ugly). So this meeting with these women, who are too kind to the Puerto Rican girl who shows up each week, give me strength, hope, and the will to keep trying to lose with the help of God and the sisterhood who transcends all Religions, and all cultures.

I mentioned in another post that I had experienced something traumatic. I'm not going to go into detail but suffice is to say it happened at work, it was an incident of bullying and emotional abuse by a male colleague, and depending who you speak to, you may or may not feel I deserved it. Doesn't really matter as I've made my peace with that issue as well. As I had previously described, it left me feeling like a dog that'd been run over on the street and I honestly didn't think I would ever recover. I found a new therapist who has been supportive (of course she is retiring in a month), who suggested OA and though I was resistant, I trust this lady. I met her after my regular therapist who I'd been seeing for years emotionally abandoned me, and I had tried some other chick who insisted on speaking with a baby voice unless I reminded her that I needed her to talk to me regular (you think I'm effing kidding? I'm not.). Picture being at one of your darkest moments and everywhere you turn you encounter what appears to be crazy. You know those horror movies where there's a person who is scared and running and they keep bumping into some distorted clown figure or the like? That's how I felt...everywhere I looked..instability and dysfunction. So when I found this lady, I wanted to go home with her, cling to her, have her protect me from the demons in my head, and at my job, and from my family (yes them too). I felt like an infant who had been battered and left outside to die and I didn't think my psyche would actually make it but we humans are resilient. My therapist says to me all the time that I'm brave...if she had met the me who I used to be she would have thought I was a warrior!..but that person..she was clobbered too many times...by too many things...molestation, parents who couldn't protect her, by a sick sibling, by cancer, by an abusive coworker, an asshole boss, and by life...so now, there's just me..I'm no longer a warrior but I can fake it a little and I have my moments. You fuck with me...you're going down, maybe not physically but verbally...I don't take shit anymore and I don't get upset at people like I used to. It's sort of a zen feeling where I can tell you off, get super heated and it's gone..poof..it doesn't stay inside. How? you ask..no. It's not How..it's why? Because I don't give a shit about those people any more. Those people who try to squash you down with their words and make you feel less than. I know who "my people" are now, after so many heartbreaking losses, and I was surprised to find that "my people" are many. I have a lot of people on my team and I love them..it's clear now whereas before I loved them but I loved too many who just wanted to be seen with me.. a person who had something. If I sound like an ego maniac, please excuse me, as though I'm not super special and won't mention what I do, I have a semi-important job where you might want to know me. Anyhow, that's that. I went from a person who was somewhat stable to a person who gets frequent anxiety attacks and for a while flackbacks. A shrink I saw said I was suffering from PTSD...I think he's right but enough about that. I go to OA to be with the women..I call them the Canadians..don't ask. So I go see the Canadians every Tuesday and it helps. It helps me stay connected to my higher power, God, who I had all but abandoned until I was on my knees beggin for mercy from the pain..just begging from the pain, and I'm up, I'm walking, it's still painful but I'm functioning, trying to have my baby.

So some may be thinking, Chick is crazy, that may be, but my thinking is, where the eff else can you go to rant and ramble.