Someday(s) are harder than others...

It's been a while and in truth I wasn't sure I'd come back but alas here I am with my heart full of emotions just spilling out of me. Right now really I'm just feeling tired; tired and depressed if truth be told. They say the fastest way to clear out a room is to put someone who's depressed in it. Alas, I really don't have to worry about that as few people come here but me and the crazies that lie within me.

Anyhow, where to begin. Really so many things have happened and by the same token nothing. There was an investigation at D's program after D reported that my mom hit them...it was not good. The police were called and I thought I was going to have a stroke. The police refused to investigate... This was so troubling for me on so many levels. First off I felt like I was torn between two lovers; I thought at this point my mother should know better but was caught up in feeling bad for her as she was freaked. The program suggested I press charges...Oh okay...right. D wasn't hurt except for the emotional aspect of it all and I pointed out to the program that this is about the 5th year that goes by without a residential placement for D that I've been requesting as my mother isn't able to properly care for D...hello people. Anyway, long story short, exhausting, almost had a heart attack complete with taking an anti anxiety pill for my heart palpitations and of course nothing came of it and in truth...THANK GOD!!! Nothing like an arrest for a mother who is not only a snob but also suffering from dementia....I would say more about it and try and take side but the truth is...for what? I'm clinging, clinging, to my sanity and reason so I can't take on any more.

My father is in the hospital again....not good. We've also been having problems with both my mother and father's business so I spent most of this morning with my mother in court. Now, if I was ever suicidal I'd spend the whole day with her and I'd surely die of frustration...she is beyond difficult. My plan had been to go to court and go to work afterwards but I found myself unraveling as I drove my mother home so instead I called out, bought myself something to eat, and came home. I then went to the hospital for a little while and then picked up my sib from the bus stop.

I decided to write, or more accurately, what propelled me to write, was my obsession with P face and Asshole which hasn't surfaced in a while but tonight while doing a google search I found out they had a little girl. You want to kill me Universe?! It just wrenched a hole in my heart. I guess a part of me feels that is the life I wish I was living and he's the one that got away and it's my fault because I didn't have the courage or so it seems to make it happen. That's the crazy me talking. The realistic me realizes that it would have never worked as I would have had to be the man and take the reins and that's just not my style and furthermore the dude was immature and in the end we would have been two fatties eating our way through life. His wife seems much more motivated to do shit, make shit happen, and take the bull by the horns...she's also much younger than myself...good for you Asshole (ha...)..! Oh well. That's the healthy me...not really that healthy but better than nothing. The bottom line is I realize perhaps a little late in the game that I want love, I want a man in my life....maybe not a husband but something like it....a support where I have his back and he's got mine and we're a fucking team who kicks ass together and gets through shit together and maybe it's all just a fairy tale we're sold and the actual relationship might be harder than I imagine but I want to have love in my life and that's that.

Speaking of healthy vs. unhealthy me, last week I went to go see the shrink lady and we had a serious talk about why I thought I was nuts. She said to me (again as I seem to be hard to convince), Gem, you are not crazy. Your family is crazy, the shit you  go through is ridiculously difficult and overwhelming and anybody would feel crazy having to take care of all of that. I felt better leaving. Still not 100% convince but I don't think I ever will be. You know, when the whole hitting thing happened with D it kind of shocked me but it didn't. I was hit growing up and really most of my friends were. Truth be told I'm not against corporal punishment but there is a time and a place and I don't believe in hitting when you are out of control. A spanking yes, absolutely, hot wild going crazy no wire hangers shit...no. I've had the no wire hangers shit many times...all of my siblings except for D have...shit happens and believe me that didn't stay with me as much as some of the emotional shit that haunts me til this day. It's funny that my mother was the big hitter though it's my father who caused the most emotional scars and he prided himself on never hitting the kids....my father really did a trip on me and it'll never be resolved. I told this to the shrink lady how this will never be resolved between us; not because he can no longer carry a conversation but because we never had a relationship where we could talk...neither one of my parents did with any of us though I'm sure that's the case for a lot of people. Kay at work talk to her mom every day...and used to speak to her dad every day too until his dementia got too bad. They have what she calls an awesome relationship and I hope, if I ever have children, to have even half the relationship she has with her mother. The shrink lady and I spoke about this...about how I worried that I might not as I have no personal frame of reference of a tight relationship with a parent. I don't know if she was blowing smoke up my ass but she said the fact that it was a goal and something I was striving for would set me on the right path....made me feel better.

Anyhow, there is apparently no rest for the weary as I'm on call and just got a call from the local police...
Will try to document more often...if for no other reason than it's a rare day that I blog and don't feel better after. It really is more of a personal journal than a blog but oh well.....

You feel what you feel

I'm having one of those days. It's the kind of day where you wake up too sensitive for anything really and I had to delete one of the blogs I follow. I've found that this happens too often for me..when their dreams have come true and I can't stand to read it because deep inside my chest there is a little voice that speaks the truth too loudly, that tells me most likely, this dream will not be mine. Is this pessimistic? I think more realistic.. In truth my brutal honesty is a way I both protect myself and slowly torture myself...the feeling that if I don't build up the hope it'll hurt less but really, I've found that the feeling is still devastating..whether you expected it or not. So today, one more blog got hidden for lack of my capability to figure out how to delete it entirely. It's weird really; there are some people who have a baby and it doesn't bother me at all..in fact I follow a blog where they had a little boy and nothing but joy there in my heart..really. But some people, who didn't struggle or appeared not to, not so much. I even had to get rid of one chick who struggled like a mother effer, had a preemie and actually blogged about how upsetting it is to have missed the last few months of pregnancy. I get it, I get that you didn't get the whole thing and your baby is sick but that you missed the last few months of pregnancy...but listen, let's get our shit straight and focus on the half full.

I have a friend on facebook. I met her as she was/is trying to conceive with donor sperm, though she's married. She has only done ICSI and has to space it out until her and her hubby can save up the pennies for each try. I would never dare bitch to anyone how my insurance sucks and poor me that I only got to try ICSI 3 times and IVF 4 times on my insurance's dime....I'll bitch there's not baby for me, no husband or partner for me, that I'll bitch about, but let's get a little perspective on what people miss out on...a few months of pregnancy and your baby is struggling to live...I'd bitch about the struggling to live part..not the missed months of pregnancy. Shit. But that's me and how I feel, and she feels what she feels, and really, who the fuck am I? Nobody...but I delete them so they don't aggravate the crap out of me.

I've been obsessing lately about what other people got, what I didn't get, shit at work and all kinds of stuff. I think it's because my period is coming and this was the last week of work for the layed off people (Asshole) who I promised myself I would not obsess about, ask about, talk about, et cetera but...and this is not one of those "everything after but is bullshit"...this is a legitimate but...Diana came over and told me Asshole information. Asshole will be working where my sibling D spends D's day. Not only did Diana mention this but yesterday while speaking to a friend she mentioned him, him losing the job, where he was going, and how he and Pface had a baby...said it 3 times to me as if I was old and deaf and then asked me if I heard her, and no I wasn't asking any questions...she was more or less going down a list....it's like he haunts me I swear. So...I'm putting these few words about it here and then I have to stop. No more! No more as it's just too hard and it's too hard for me to realize the extent of my obsessive thoughts and to know that, like any other woman, I'm human to falling prey to the wiles of a man and the fantasies we make up in our heads. In truth, I know it would have never worked out. I have a penchant for losers and perhaps it's a blessing that I'm single..Who knows. Only God I suppose.

So that's it for now. It's raining like hell here and I'd originally had plans to go to Jersey for a barbecue but that's out the window. Fine, fine. Didn't want to go any ol' way.

Gifts

As much as I bitch I know in truth I've led a very blessed life both with my family and my friends. I have always felt I've had a little guardian Angel sitting on my shoulder though at times, when things get hard, my vision gets hazy and I forget to see my gifts. I had a friend offer me her eggs today. That's one offer of a uterus and one offer of eggs. Is that something or what? People are amazing. Sadly I had to decline and believe me I was tempted...the person was of my same coloring, with freckles, with a similar college major and a similar line of work as I do...and in their early 30's and though the age was only part of the problem, the other thing was, the thing I didn't tell her as I didn't want to hurt her, is that she's had to many miscarriages and I only have this one time...this one time to try...still I'm tempted. And if I get the chance to speak to my doctor, I'll broach the subject with her.

Today at work, I had 3 children in my office ages 4, 5, and 10...sisters...and boy were they adorable...they were with me for a few hours and though I couldn't really work with them in the room with me, I enjoyed their company and my heart ached a little and felt happy too. I found myself thinking about them throughout the day...what they'd be like when they got older. I had put the radio on and the oldest and youngest danced...they were great dancers and I asked the oldest if she was in some type of class...nope...amazing. Anyhow, that was my little joy today. I tried to imagine what it would be like if these were my 3 kids and I had to care for them permanently...could I do it? Yes, I could. Weird as when I watch Diana's kids I don't have this type of connection..but I always hoped for little girls..a .little boy would be wonderful too but I would love one of each (who wouldn't really and how greedy of me) but there it is. So far I have bupkis so who am I to pick what I'd like coming my way..what I'd like is healthy...just give me at least one God and make him healthy.

On the food front, this week I'm not doing so hot. I haven't journaled as accurately as I should have and I've been eating not great food...not crazy bad but not awesomely great. I went to OA on Tuesday and there was a new Canadian...she was Hasidic and beautiful and had maintained a 6 year abstinence, 100 lb. weight loss..unreal. I cried the whole meeting ending with uncontrollable crying..she probably thought I was nuts. I was just feeling overly emotional, and one of the other Canadians, Chaya, consoled and spoke to me for almost an hour afterwards..told me I should consider asking Rachel (that's the new Canadians name) to sponsor me.  I want to ask her to sponsor me but I'm scared. I want to try and hit one of the other meetings she goes to and see if she'd be a good fit but really, that's just me procrastinating and not wanting to do what I have to do. The truth is, I don't want to follow the OA diet. It's super duper strict...and I mean strict...it's basically 1 protein, 1 Fruit, 1 veg, 1 dairy for breakfast, same for lunch, sort of the same for dinner, no caffeine, no sugar, no artificial sweetener, no flour, no wheat. I did it once for 3 days..that's as far as I got. The artificial sweetener shit is the killer. I couldn't even have a yogurt...it had to be plain with some fruit and if you've ever eaten plain yogurt it's sour as all shit...gross. Oatmeal with no sweetener...I managed to get it down by slicing some apple into it and sprinkling it with cinnamon...in short, it's not easy. How people do this for years on end is unbelievable to me. I want someone who'll sponsor me on the WW diet...which is possible..we'll see. Procrastination...is the thief of time...story of my life. Anyhow, this lady Rachel, was an inspiration to me as she is where I want to be...100 lbs down and 6 years clean..amazing.

Aside from that, Allison from the clinic got back to me yesterday as I hadn't heard anything and I believe I mentioned when I called the clinic 2 days ago the receptionist was kind of short with me which hurt my feelings. Anyhow, Allison was cool. She explained this process of finding someone can take up to 6 months or more but they're actively looking...okay, as long as they didn't forget about me. So that's where I'm at.

Yesterday, I found out the guy that I'd been crushing on is married with kids. Figures. It didn't hurt really was just disappointing as I'd had a nice little chat with him earlier in the day, and I liked his style though I also found out he's a little wild..I'm a loser picker..did I mention that..I pick losers, they either drink too much, have some type of personality disorder, or are wack-a-doos...Anyway... I'm sorry but there should be a rule that if you're married, you have to wear a ring and if you're in a committed relationship, you should have a big scarlet letter posted to your forehead...I think a lot of people would be happy with this. I don't understand, and maybe it's because I'm not/have never been married..why you would allow your spouse to go out ringless and let me tell you...a lot of people who use the excuse that it interferes with their job (police, plumbers, et cetera) are just full of shit...it doesn't. I've shot a gun with all my rings no problem and fixed shit around the house no problem...just saying. It should be a law...that way there's no confusion.

I'm feeling good today as opposed to the rest of earlier this week where I couldn't stop crying and snivelling but the truth of the matter is, this is a painful time in my life...one of many painful times in my life. Chaya at the Canadians suggested perhaps I need to speak to a professional and perhaps I do..what the frick do I know...but I often feel that sometimes you just feel what you feel and why is it when you feel sad everyone thinks  you need to speak to someone? People feel emotions and half of what is wrong with life is that feeling them, and expressing them is unacceptable. Well, I feel them and at this point in my life, and for the first time in a long time, I don't feel I need a shrink. I think about it often; how I haven't been to see someone in a long time but for once I feel like I'm dealing. It may not be pretty the way I'm dealing, but I am. I am feeling what I feel and accepting it...the good the bad and the ugly. Life has not been easy for me though I know it's been substantially generous in many respects...not maybe in my personal life, no, not in my personal life, because to say that would be to lie to myself, but in other respects, in terms of friendships. work, and financials, it's been better than a lot of people have and I've been blessed...so for today, I'm keeping that in the forefront. Tomorrow is another story..

Single?

Today like I said earlier, I had to take Tess to the groomer. While she was being groomed I went to get a massage I mentioned I'd been scheduled for ..which was awesome until Mattie showed up and fell asleep and began to snore so loudly nobody could relax...I mean it was loud in a place that is very dark and quiet with just little dainty music playing..man snoring stands out and even the masseuse seemed annoyed. Anyhow..the lady next to me was...drum roll please...pregnant..of course!.. but I made a conscious decision not to let it interfere with my peace..my fairy Godmother always reminds me that, "You never let people interrupt your Peace" and so I moved past it...the snoring on the other hand was not ignorable..next time..I go alone. Anyhow I go to get Tess and call ahead as that's the routine only to learn he needs one more hour..ugh..I go get pizza as at this point it's after 1 p.m. and I haven't had breakfast burn my mouth on the frigging thing and of course bump into someone I know that I can't quite recall how I know..How this happens when I went to a hole in the wall pizza place in a seedy part of the county is beyond but there you have it. Did I mention I tend to hang out in seedier areas so as not to be noticed?? No? Well, yup I do. So, because I had more time to kill, I drove on over to the local Pier 1 store...how it stays open with so few customers is beyond but it's been there for what seems like forever ... So I go in and see a guy..cute I think..he smells a candle puts it down I hear a girl say to him..this matches our so and so and realize he's part of a set....he answers 'Oh yeah it does' or some such nonsense and I can't help but think..you really give a shit that it matches? but whatever I move on and as I walk I'm thinking..where did this part of my life go..the part where you meet someone and move in together and pick out shit together and build a home because it just never happened for me..not once and I know some girls who it's happened for what seems like a million times..so I move to the back of the store away from these two..the only two I'd seen in the store..but as I move to the back I see a teenager..she was extremely petite but I saw she was with her mom who stood what seemed like about 4'10'' and figure oh this girl is older than she looks..probably getting ready for college. She is looking at the door hooks and her mom says..this would look cute on the back of your door for your robe and your towel..she answers and I realize I guessed wrong..she's still too young for college..about 15 I would guess..she picks out a pretty pink one and explains something to her mom to which her mom says.."no, I gottcha"..a mom that seemed to be trying to stay hip with her daughter and it made me realize...daughters and sons! they trump men any ol' day of the week! Made me feel much better about being "single"..

1,001 ways to torture yourself

Okay, here we go again with my obsessiveness and craziness. I did something last night that I shouldn't have. It deterred me from falling asleep and from staying asleep. I looked up pface and asshole's baby registry and there it was. They are due next month!!! Next month!! and really, it's none of my business but it hurt any way. To me it was the closest thing to the one that got away...and the fact that he ended up with her...someone he knew I could not stand made it all that more painful. But there it is..and they're having a baby. And here I am..not having a baby next month...having a birthday instead..a torturous 41st biological clock robbing birthday. Why do I do this to myself? I don't know. It's the crazy in me. Just call me crazy. But I had to get some of it out before I go to work and have to act semi-normal. How I go on I'm not sure as it seems like too many things hurt right now. Hope is what keeps me going...hope that this ain't over..that some dreams can still come true and make this all worthwhile.

Later that sleep deprived day...

I've made a promise to myself today that I'll allow myself to obsess over this for the next few days and then it's done. I'm not going to refer to Pface and Asshole anymore, no more looking their shit up. It's immature and unhealthy, and though I know too many women, and I'm sure some men, tend to do this obsessing over someone thing..for me it's gone on way too long and really..it's not who I am anymore. I'm not that quivering young woman that needed a man in my life and sacrificed personality for the benefit. Though I'd still like someone in my life that person better walk in strong and with a set on him..if you know what I mean as I can't take another weak man in my life..won't make sacrifices like that. You come in whole and strong..all grown up and no exceptions because that is what I need today though at times I'll admit I myself still have my moments of weakness....this morning was one of those moments...it happens to the best of us and I'm at a vulnerable point in my life. I accept this about myself. I'm a woman living her life alone for too long having gone through my share of shit...I'm deserving of the (sometimes more than occasional) meltdown..Not that anyone is bitching but it's hard for me to cut myself a break sometimes. Shit happens.

Dreaming

I had several nightmares last night..real nightmares with monsters and the like. The last thing I remember hearing was my sibling saying to me, you know what that symbol around your neck means don't you? Referring to the new turtle necklace that I'm wearing. My coworker Lexi, told me how in her culture a turtle represents fertility and her mom told me I should find one and wear it at all times and didn't I go to Kohls and find about 5 different pendants with a turtle on it? Coincidence? I think not. Anyhow, I haven't written in a bit and I guess I just needed time to get my brains back together and I can't say I'm there yet but I'm trying. The weekend was particularly difficult. I spent about 15 minutes talking to a visibly pregnant person I was introduced to...all of 23 years old and you know what, really, I think that's about how old you really probably are supposed to be when you start trying..for your body to be most receptive so who the heck am I to judge and I didn't. Not like I normally would anyway. I don't see young people who are pregnant as a disgrace, or a person making a detrimental mistake in their lives..I feel, if anything, people like me, who wait for the career and that elusive prince Charming, are perhaps the fools. Someone should tell you, Hey, he sometimes doesn't make it and don't wait til the last minute and girl, you don't need to have a man..you can be your own woman! But alas, that's not how life is so here I am on the cusp of 40-fucking-one trying to have a baby and desperately hoping that I can just squeeze one out..that I'm wrong in thinking that I did in fact wait just a bit too long. Someone, Oprah or whoever the fuck, should have done a show at some point saying girls, those actresses having babies at 46: they are using donor eggs my friends- so don't think scientist have a magic wand..the eggs do not stay fresh forever! Nobody ever says that...I don't understand why that is. I have a sister who still believes it's possible to have babies older..even though I've explained that the doctor says after 43 it's near to impossible..I say near because there is always that freak occurrence but people seem to think you go to a fertility specialist, and voila! Poof!! they can get it done. I thought this myself..you live and learn. So I just wanted to touch base after once again perusing the online plus size maternity sections in the stores that have them and planning my imaginary wardrobe if it were to ever happen. Dreaming as usual. I have to keep dreaming as it'd be too painful to face the other..the thought that it won't happen. I told myself I'd spend up to 30k of my own money, not including sperm..after my insurance runs out. I think this is about the price of a decent car and something that I would regret not doing..not taking every opportunity to do. I spoke to someone today about how it works that I can borrow against my pension and it's fairly easy so...
Anyhow, that's the plan..I'll keep trying until I cap at 30k or my doctor tells me to stop. Until then..I dream.

Loooooooonnnngggg weeekend

I decided after my first negative HPT to continue testing on a daily basis...it just so happened I had just enough HPT tests to do one daily until day after tomorrow, Wednesday, when I go in to see the doctor for a real test. So far they've all been negative and no matter how long they sat out they stayed negative. Thankfully, though not good for me, I was dealing with serious work stress..I mean serious work stress..no sleep Friday night..calls to attorneys, police, and other people you don't want to need to call in the middle of the night...and they were all called in the middle of the night..I'm talking wake an attorney up at 3:45 a.m. This went into Saturday and finished off today, Monday morning into Monday afternoon. It's over for now. I might get my ass chewed out tomorrow but we'll deal. Cleaned my entire condo, except for the guest room that only got vacuumed, from top to bottom today in between calls and fits of crying. I secretly have a fake feeling I'm pregnant. I say fake because I don't want to hope..this two week wait, which really isn't two weeks at all, is really sucky, enough to drive someone crazy. I went nuts and had a cup of coffee today..well, half a cup and it's half calf/half decaf..what a rebel I am. I just needed to feel normal for a minute and it was either that or a smoke so I chose the lesser of two evils. I'm having all kinds of progesterone symptoms that I so wish were signs of pregnancy but the reality is what it is. Tomorrow, according to all the charts I've read, is the real start of any HCG being produced and probably the only pregnancy test out of all the ones that I'll be taking, that I can in any way rely on. I'm giving it a shot and trying to just psyche myself up to do this again as I can't help but feel that this is inevitable. I don't know why I'm so torn between feeling that I am and knowing that I'm not. Me who is usually a trust your gut kind of person. I wish I had jotted down what my instincts were last time so I can compare notes but alas...
Well, I'll know for sure by Wednesday (that's only 2 short days from now)..so crazy this whole thing. So crazy that I might end up childless, husbandless, and overweight..that is so not the life I dreamt of when I was growing up. Wow...talk about thinking good thoughts. Well, I tell myself it aint over and even if there are no babies..I'm not done.

Just waiting

So at around 3 p.m. I called the RE's office as my doctor had said they'd be contacting me with instructions as to when I was doing the implantation, saying most likely Thursday. The nurse told me I'd have to call tomorrow between 8:30 and 9 to see if I was actually going Thursday or Friday. I explained that my shift starts at 8 and this makes it difficult. She explained the embryos may or may not be ready and they'd have to check on them in the morning...Oh. Well that trumps it's going to be difficult for me to leave work, right? I called my friend Ling who had said she could take me tomorrow to explain and she said didn't think it'd be a problem. I was going to ask Kay again but she's been super stressed and high voltage and right now I need peace and serenity. Ling is not the healthiest emotionally but she's someone who usually does well when dealing with sick people so.. and she was more than willing. I helped her with her children when they were little and still they come over for major homework assignments regularly so she is always saying she owes me which so isn't true..though at one time I saved one of her kid's lives..we joke about this. Those were our days of afternoon cocktails every day and working nights..back when neither of us had any and I mean any money. We had lost contact for a while and upon reconnecting she let me know she had developed a drinkig problem. I always look back and think..thank God I walked away when I did with just the smoking habit and the food issue..alcohol on top of it would have sent me over the edge. She struggles with the alcohol at night mostly..mostly wine. If worse comes to worse, I can drive myself but can't take the valium they suggest you take before the procedure..I really want the valium..so unlike me but I've had enough already. If you saw my body, I have bruises all over my arms, my stomach and one so large on my hand from the IV, a coworker actually gasped today when she saw it..yes..it's been semi-torturous so..valium please!

Anyhow so I'm in a sort of limbo waiting to see and the kind of fucked up part of it is that I had changed my entire calendar tomorrow in preparation for the insemination..rearranged a fairly large meeting and here I am waiting..In truth, I really don't give a shit..I hate meetings...I'm sure the guy who had to rearrange all this feels differently. Speaking of meetings, this morning I went to one as a matter of fact..one of those here's breakfast long meetings. I bumped into a police officer..cute!..who struck up a conversation..when I introduced myself he said he knew me already and recalled 'the incident" that had occurred at work with me. He asked me if things had gotten any better and commented that someone should have taken a bat to my coworker..so of course I fell in love and also fell apart..had to walk away and haven't been right all day..it's just too much still..too painful the whole incident. Waiting for the day when it's little more than a memory.. Made me feel good that the cop felt this way though..like there are still men out there willing to put up their dukes for you..you know? I know this is so anti-women's independance and blah blah blah but sometimes..you need a Knight..even if it's just long enough to take a swing or say he'd take a swing..a girl needs a knight. Anyhow, trying to just keep my eye on the prize here, what's really important..my baby.

3a.m. and all's well (for lack of something catchier)

So tomorrow I go for IVF..shitting a little hence the 3 a.m. blog. Anyhow, my friend Kay is taking me of course as who the hell else would do it. I'm supposed to have stopped eating and drinking at midnight and of course,,thirsty as all hell..ridiculous. I'm not sure why I'm nervous..I guess it all started Friday when I couldn't pick out a new donor and then found out I needed to order ASAP or I'd be fucked. Kay called me this morning to tell me the road to the RE's office is closed on account of this freak snow storm we had yesterday so I had to pull an alternate route up on mapquest so I'm pretty set. Gonna get up at about 7:15 and Kay is coming at about 9..gotta be there at 10. Scared..not scared more that I'm not looking forward to this whole thing..I'm really not. After the big C I just kinda feel like please stop poking me people and I don't like being under..makes me feel too vulnerable..feel like they'll be talking about my disgusting body..they will..oh well.

So I have a good feeling about this. I had a hunch and I could be wrong, that when I changed donors it would happen. I picked a donor I'm not thrilled with and after the fact I realized too late, that it was an Asshole lookalike..I didn't mean to do that. It must have been subconscious or maybe just coincidence but I"m not happy about it but at this point there's nothing I can do.

I'll be straight and say I've been thinking about them a ton lately and I say them because it's not him, it's them, it's an obsession that comes and goes in my life..I hate it and pray that it goes away all the time but it pops into my head and I can't seem to shake it. I'm trying to just focus on my own life..the reality of what it is..sometimes it seems so insignificant and that I'm grasping at straws here trying to make a life for myself against the flow here. My family. I don't even know what to say about them..you'd think they'd be like..how's it going, any news, so exciting, are you worried..instead..nothing..absolutely nothing. It hurts but I decided I'm not bringing it up again at all even if I get pregnant I'm not bringing it up. I think sometimes it's my fault that they're like this as I haven't exactly been a great sister or daughter..I've pushed them away. It's too painful for me and perhaps I'm a coward but that's how I feel..like it's just too much. I love them but it's a defensive love..you have to be careful because that love will kill you. It will emotionally kill you.

Jabs to the Gut

I sat in my RE's office this morning at about 7 a.m. watching all the beautiful people and not so beautiful people sit with their significant others. A lesbian couple, a black woman with her red headed white husband (who bTw was cuuuute..I'm not dead), the pretty couple who I thought were already finished with this as it'd been a while since they'd been there, and the hispanic couple with the husband who is quite obviously a controlling dick.. I sat there thinking shit Gem, what the heck are you doing? You're alone..you're doing this alone..how can you possibly pull this off emotionally..the pain of being alone has been magnified for whatever reason after finding out about Asshole and Pface..I've prayed on it and prayed on it, to liberate me from these thoughts and really, I don't even think it's jealousy as the thought of him repulses me now as much as the thought of her..too gross to even consider but not alone..though to me a lonely life any ol' how. I don't know what it is I want or what I'm looking for. Well maybe I do. I explained it pretty well to my friend Kay last night on the phone..I want someone in my life who can make me feel like a woman..just look at me like I'm a woman as at times I feel so discounted in this way. I don't even think marriage is something that I would want..but someone to take me out once in a while, treat me like a lady, and love me the same way once in a while. I don't think I could handle more than this but to find someone I can trust..I don't know..that's the hard part.

I went today to a conference that was talking about trauma, victimization, re-victimization by agencies, et cetera...and the incident from work popped into my head and I got so angry....just so fucking angry that my boss didn't protect me but instead protected herself and that fucking asshole..the fact that they twisted the story in a way that made me look like I was nuts..I take my share of the blame..I do, as I shouldn't have gotten angry..but to be manhandled..too much..I didn't deserve that..traumatized by that still today and that's all I'll say on that though I get flashbacks and I'll share that as well. Reinforced my distrust of men even more..made me weak in a way I didn't even know I was..fucked me up. I hate that fucking bitch and I don't want to feel any different about it..I feel the need to hang on to that in order to protect myself..fucking coward of a woman..coward of a man too..fucking cowards.

Just feeling hurt and vulnerable these days. I picked a new donor though I'm not happy with him. I'll admit to my superficiality as the reason I don't like him is he's not cute enough..he'll take though I have a feeling. Feeling on the edge of wild or edge of something..not insanity but of some deep sadness that's not depression just an exhaustion from all the emotions in my life. It hasn't been easy but it's been easier than a starving man's and many others.

All of these things, are little jabs to my gut and to my heart..trying to break me and I hang on to what's around me..been hanging onto Kay for dear life..Kay who is always my faithful friend..a gift I tell you. A blessing.

Run run running from the Pussy (cat) and the (Jack) Ass

I didn't know where to go with this. I really didn't. Talking to Kay and Diana didn't help much..really it didn't. I knew one day it was coming and so here it is..the day I found out Pussy face and Asshole were pregnant. Not quite as painful as finding out they were dating..or that they were engaged..or that they got married ..but painful nonetheless. So here I am with this information and really feeling nothing but shocked, confused, and I won't lie, in some pain. Not pain like I would have felt 5 or 6 years ago but pain. Wondering what did I do in my life that was so fucking terrible that I didn't deserve to meet someone too. I know asshole wasn't for me really though at one point I did think we'd end up together (delusional thinking), but in restrospect, I can see he's not healthy and it wouldn't have been good, but isn't unhealthy better than nothing? Is it? I'm really asking because I'm not sure. So no husband, or even significant someone, and no baby..yet. I want to scream with the unfairness of it all but the truth is, I know it's plenty fair. The reality of it is, that she did things, like the song says, that I wouldn't or couldn't do. And the forces that be kept us apart. He wasn't strong enough for me, strong enough to be the person I needed/need in my life and that's just the fact of it all. I needed a person who would fight for me and be a man for me and that's not who he is..so he's there and I'm here fighting for my baby..but not fighting for my man (whoever that may be)because like Asshole, that's something I can't seem to do either..too alike the both of us I guess, in that way anyway.

Speaking of babies, I went to the RE today but didn't see my regular chick, I had to see the gay guy Dr. L...I really like him and feel comfortable with him..it's the gay thing..makes me feel comfortable and taken care of..(past experiences) so it was good. He found about 14, count them, 14 follicles!!...good huh?

Bitter sweet getting pregnant this way I tell you. It's so precious but it makes not having a partner so crystal clear..magnifies any feelings of loneliness...but not trying is not an option here. It really isn't.

One thing I learned from having cancer and from realizing late in life that you really have to make an effort to attain your goals and dreams, is that life is very short. Now, I know people say this all the time but it really is the truth in terms of time. I do this thing every once in a while when I'm doing something mundane like climbing the stairs or sitting in a diner with my family or friends where I consciously remember the scene and think to myself, one day you'll look back and remember this. I remember doing this in high school all the time and let me tell you..it feels like that was just a year or two ago the scenes are so clear..white moccasins climbing the stairs up to the second floor. Life really is very brief so every day has to really count. I'm not saying I do fantastical things daily but I'm always, every single day, moving towards bettering myself in some way, or moving towards a goal. I feel at 40 that I'm running out of time..I know it may sound silly but I'm half way through and it doesn't seem like it'll be enough.It's the reason I go to bed late and wake up early on the weekends..don't want to miss anything..yes, yes, it's not good for me I know..constant sleep deprivation.

Anyhow, I'm sure I'll cry again today, peruse the registrant section of babies-r-us to see if there's a pussy face registered..but today is really the end of something for me. Why it took me so long to get here I'm not sure but I'm here.

Sanity

Sometimes, no,... most of the time, I think there is no such thing as sanity.I'm sitting here at 2 a.m. upset over something that I'd like to mention but don't for fear that I'll look crazy, not only to those reading here, but to those writing here; myself that is. So as I sit in my shit feeling miserable over another imaginary Asshole and PFace situation, thinking should I write or should I go, I come across a post from another blogger talking about the turmoils of their sanity and think to myself, Shit! we are all soooooo putting up a front. It's the shit that people don't say but want to say, that's their true self but I think,most of us hold back for fear of looking crazy, angry, stupid, et cetera. So I say, Gem, you're a little crazy but not by much my friend, and at least you know it. So I'll dare to talk a little bit about Asshole and PFace, two characters I've mentioned in a post in the past. Asshole broke my heart even though we had nothing together he broke my friggin heart and PFace, well, she was just there, an accessory to the crime so to speak. Anyhow, I found out tonight that they bought a house. A real pretty house and I'll put it out there not only for you but mostly for me,.. I'm jealous. Now..that's a hard one for me as I'm not a materialist person and jealousy is not something that I usually feel. I had to think about this really. I guess the jealousy comes from not having what I expressed in the first post I wrote here ever some time ago; the white pickett fence, the 2.5 kids, cars, dog, the husband...the whole shit and caboodle. I'm jealous, and trust me, I recognize that most of the time, the grass is always greener until you walk on that shit and realize that it's all a fucked up illusion, a facade, but still..... I'd like to live there for a minute...in that world that looks so pink..a world I've rarely visited but have seen countless times from afar. It makes me sad you know? I don't know...don't know if I'll ever be over that loss. When I first thought about starting a family, I bought a book on single motherhood and the author expressed the need to grieve over the loss of that picture book family. For me, that is so true, so real, so my life. This experience has proven to be a bitter sweet one for me as though it's a journey towards a dream, this isn't exactly how the dream should go you know? It scares me being a single mother in that I am in essence alone in this. Scares me.I look at people sometimes who have everything, pickett fence and all, and I think, why not me God? Why didn't I get a chance at that? I know for me there may be other plans He has in store, but it hurts a little. Makes me feel not good enough sometimes for love..from a man that is; though in truth, I'm scared as hell of them and what they can do to me..pain-wise that is..physically, emotionally, et cetera. But still,I'd like some romance in my life..maybe I couldn't do the living together or marriage thing but I could do the love thing..... Men... They have so fucked me up. And women too. It's all been so much at times though I don't usually dwell on that..it slips in sometimes..my little demons mostly from childhood/adolescents.

Timing is everything

I went in for my first IUI yesterday. A rather unpleasant experience as it seemed like it was take your partner to the RE's office day. There was one lesbian couple and about 20 hetero couples and I don't know how it is in other RE offices but there are times where patients are streaming out into the hall and this was definitely one of those days. So I'm sitting there by myself next to the only other person there alone and of course I hear reception talking on the phone and they say "Mandinga? Mandinga? your husband is on the phone". Yes, I'm sitting next to Mandinga (not her real name but can't remember it). I'm sitting there with my purse, my huge work bag overflowing with my shit that helps me survive the day and the Ovidrel injection I had picked up from CVS the day before trying with all my might not to cry and texting my friend Kay who thankfully told me I could text away while she got ready to go to work. So I finally go in, she tells me she can't find my little ol' follicle but will do IUI anyway as it could be hiding and inserts the catheter with the quarter inch of stuff I paid close to $600 dollars for and bada-bing bada-boom, I'm inseminated and 45 minutes late to work. I got a phone call later in the day telling me that my bloodwork showed I wasn't ovulating and take the Ovidrel Saturday between 7 and 9... I was admittedly a little freaked at the thought of giving myself an injection, texted my friend who is studying to be a nurse to call me, finally called Ollie who I remembered injected himself regularly when he was going through the big C who told me just do it really fast and it'll be fine. So, I got online, 'you tubed' giving yourself ovidrel and rushed into the kitchen to do it..then rushed to the bathroom to do it as it just didn't seem like a kitchen thing to do. I pinched an inch of flesh under my belly button like the chick on the video, jabbed it in quick like Ollie said and voila..not bad at all..actually super easy nothingness to it. Go in Monday for my last insemination of the month. Feels good..taking care of business. Wishing, hoping, and praying for a little someone...not that Tess isn't a little someone but I have a lot more love to give so...