Dreaming

I had several nightmares last night..real nightmares with monsters and the like. The last thing I remember hearing was my sibling saying to me, you know what that symbol around your neck means don't you? Referring to the new turtle necklace that I'm wearing. My coworker Lexi, told me how in her culture a turtle represents fertility and her mom told me I should find one and wear it at all times and didn't I go to Kohls and find about 5 different pendants with a turtle on it? Coincidence? I think not. Anyhow, I haven't written in a bit and I guess I just needed time to get my brains back together and I can't say I'm there yet but I'm trying. The weekend was particularly difficult. I spent about 15 minutes talking to a visibly pregnant person I was introduced to...all of 23 years old and you know what, really, I think that's about how old you really probably are supposed to be when you start trying..for your body to be most receptive so who the heck am I to judge and I didn't. Not like I normally would anyway. I don't see young people who are pregnant as a disgrace, or a person making a detrimental mistake in their lives..I feel, if anything, people like me, who wait for the career and that elusive prince Charming, are perhaps the fools. Someone should tell you, Hey, he sometimes doesn't make it and don't wait til the last minute and girl, you don't need to have a man..you can be your own woman! But alas, that's not how life is so here I am on the cusp of 40-fucking-one trying to have a baby and desperately hoping that I can just squeeze one out..that I'm wrong in thinking that I did in fact wait just a bit too long. Someone, Oprah or whoever the fuck, should have done a show at some point saying girls, those actresses having babies at 46: they are using donor eggs my friends- so don't think scientist have a magic wand..the eggs do not stay fresh forever! Nobody ever says that...I don't understand why that is. I have a sister who still believes it's possible to have babies older..even though I've explained that the doctor says after 43 it's near to impossible..I say near because there is always that freak occurrence but people seem to think you go to a fertility specialist, and voila! Poof!! they can get it done. I thought this myself..you live and learn. So I just wanted to touch base after once again perusing the online plus size maternity sections in the stores that have them and planning my imaginary wardrobe if it were to ever happen. Dreaming as usual. I have to keep dreaming as it'd be too painful to face the other..the thought that it won't happen. I told myself I'd spend up to 30k of my own money, not including sperm..after my insurance runs out. I think this is about the price of a decent car and something that I would regret not doing..not taking every opportunity to do. I spoke to someone today about how it works that I can borrow against my pension and it's fairly easy so...
Anyhow, that's the plan..I'll keep trying until I cap at 30k or my doctor tells me to stop. Until then..I dream.

Doctor B, Medicine woman

Went to see my doctor today and had a total meltdown..so much so that I left through the back entrance that I didn't even know existed. My doctor is so friggin nice that I broke down as soon as I saw her as I knew I wasn't pregnant, I just knew it. I know my body like no other. I knew that I had cancer when my doctor said I didn't, that's how well I know my body and some other time I'll tell you the crazy story of how I shocked one of the doctor's with my prediction. Anyway, this isn't a prediction, this was 5 pregnancy tests taken in succession. I know everyone says it was too early and it was but really I kind of had a feeling. Any time I thought it might be positive I felt like it might be fake positive...trying to psyche myself out but enough with my rant. My doctor called me at 3 to tell me the news and she sounded just as sad as I felt. I cried for a minute but really, I'd grieved it already so I think that was the last bit of it. She asked me what I wanted to do and I told her try again. She said next time, we'll change the protocol a bit to see if it's any better. A doll I tell you..so sweet that I consider it my little gift from God that that's who I ended up with. Lexi called to tell me she didn't pass her exam to be able to keep her job or rather her score was not high enough. That is also too sad...too sad for her and too sad for me -that a friend at work is leaving as I find myself with so few of them there. Took Tess for a walk, had an early dinner of oatmeal and am going to treat myself to a much deserved pot of coffee and maybe later a puff of a cigarette...just a puff..maybe.

P.s. if anyone ever needs a doctor in the NJ/NY area I will gladly share who I'm using.

8DP3D ET

So today was officially my 8th day post 3 day embryo transfer. I tested this morning and I tested again tonight..both negatives. I was going to post a pic of the pee stick but I figured if you're reading this you're all too familiar with what a negative pee stick looks like...it looks sad..it looks like it could cry all by itself sitting there on your bathroom vanity with just that one lonely line waiting for a mate that'll never show up. Ahhh, well, c'est la vie I suppose. I'll test again in the a.m. and then I'm off to the doctor and I am seriously considering just calling out. I'm tired. I cried all morning, cried all evening and spent the hours in between stressed by the drama of the bitches at work that can't seem to get along. I missed OA tonight..completely forgot about it except that "D", that sweet thing knows Tuesdays are meetings nights and called me to tell me it was time for me to go..cute that "D" always remembers...love "D" to pieces, like a child I've never had. Anyhow, one of the Canadians called me right before the meeting to say they were running late and I told them I wasn't going..they asked me about being pregnant and I told them...supportive as usual. I could cry from how sweet people have been..Lexi at work and the Canadians..sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet..people that show you kindness. Anyhow, I'm sitting here crying and feeling guilty and Tess has been bored out of her skin. I've tried to play with her as much as possible but when you're down and out it ain't easy. Anyhow, tomorrow is another day and I gotta wake up at the crack of ass to go to the doctors.

Loooooooonnnngggg weeekend

I decided after my first negative HPT to continue testing on a daily basis...it just so happened I had just enough HPT tests to do one daily until day after tomorrow, Wednesday, when I go in to see the doctor for a real test. So far they've all been negative and no matter how long they sat out they stayed negative. Thankfully, though not good for me, I was dealing with serious work stress..I mean serious work stress..no sleep Friday night..calls to attorneys, police, and other people you don't want to need to call in the middle of the night...and they were all called in the middle of the night..I'm talking wake an attorney up at 3:45 a.m. This went into Saturday and finished off today, Monday morning into Monday afternoon. It's over for now. I might get my ass chewed out tomorrow but we'll deal. Cleaned my entire condo, except for the guest room that only got vacuumed, from top to bottom today in between calls and fits of crying. I secretly have a fake feeling I'm pregnant. I say fake because I don't want to hope..this two week wait, which really isn't two weeks at all, is really sucky, enough to drive someone crazy. I went nuts and had a cup of coffee today..well, half a cup and it's half calf/half decaf..what a rebel I am. I just needed to feel normal for a minute and it was either that or a smoke so I chose the lesser of two evils. I'm having all kinds of progesterone symptoms that I so wish were signs of pregnancy but the reality is what it is. Tomorrow, according to all the charts I've read, is the real start of any HCG being produced and probably the only pregnancy test out of all the ones that I'll be taking, that I can in any way rely on. I'm giving it a shot and trying to just psyche myself up to do this again as I can't help but feel that this is inevitable. I don't know why I'm so torn between feeling that I am and knowing that I'm not. Me who is usually a trust your gut kind of person. I wish I had jotted down what my instincts were last time so I can compare notes but alas...
Well, I'll know for sure by Wednesday (that's only 2 short days from now)..so crazy this whole thing. So crazy that I might end up childless, husbandless, and overweight..that is so not the life I dreamt of when I was growing up. Wow...talk about thinking good thoughts. Well, I tell myself it aint over and even if there are no babies..I'm not done.

Yes, it's official..I'm crazy...big whoop

Okay, I've been obsessing about taking a pregnancy test even though it's only 3 days post embryo transfer...irrational? Absolutely! but there it is...so finally..to shut my pie hole up..I took one with of course a negative result and as I'm speaking to Diana on the phone telling her how crazy I am..making sure she won't disown me as a friend, I go to the garbage..fish out the test that's been in there for over an hour and of course it says positive. Now we all know this is an evaporation line but boy did it make me happy...just to even know that the line did exist..I kept the stick on my sink for another hour and would visit it a few times until finally, grossed out by the damn thing, chucked it for good. I will now say 3 hail Mary's and 2 Our Fathers..kidding.

Praying

I grew up Catholic and I mean very Catholic...Catholic school, Catholic church, et cetera. I have been praying for quite some time..mostly all of my life though there were a few years where I tapered off and I began again in earnest when the "incident" at work happened and my fairy Godmother gave me the memorare of St. Bernard to say regularly. She was a nun for over 20 years and says it's one of the most powerful prayers so every night I've said this prayer for some time now and I credit Mary (the prayer is to Mary)for helping me quit smoking and keeping "D" and my nose's clean. I also pray to St. Gerard..patron saint of those trying to have a baby. Anyhow, the other day the chick that read my tarot introduced me to St. Therese so I've begun to pray to her..I definitely feel a connection. I just feel this absolute desperation at this point and other than prayer feel like there's no where to turn so I'm praying praying praying like a fiend..my every thought it seems is a prayer. Obsessive huh? I don't care. I just need this and I feel as if I'm grasping at straws. I think this is one of the harder things of doing this alone...if someone else is in this with you, you can obsess together...me, I'm obsessing solo and so would appear crazier than average..(ha, I made a little joke). Anyway, if anyone is reading this feel free to put in a word for me with the big Guy. I'm trying to remember to share the wealth as well and keep others in my prayers who are in the same boat.

Just wanted to Add

It's been a while since I gave myself a progesterone shot and I really have to say that it hurt like a futher mucker!!!! Like a futher mucker my friends!!!! SON of O' Bitch it HURT!!! IT HURT!!

Worrying, Hoping, but definitely not Sleeping

I was awoken this morning by a text from my sib at the unGodly hour of 6:30 a.m. and I was in a deep sleep..finally. Of course that was it for me so here I am worrying, stressing, feeling sorry for myself. I've been looking up all kinds of stuff...for instance, this morning, caffeine and IVF? results:don't do it. So I'm making some tea which is usually something I don't drink and if I do, it's usually something I drink at night..but I need something warm though I'd love a coffee. I told myself if it doesn't happen this time I'm going to sit down with a cup of coffee and a cigarette and get my ear pierced..again..self destructive huh? Mildly but it's the best I can do. I'd get a tattoo but I'm saving that for in case I do have a child and will ink something fabulous to commemorate I'm sure..or not. I just want one to take..just one..boy or girl..anything healthy...I guess that's what we all want. I was talking to one of the girls online who has done 5 IUI (paying it out of her own pocket) and using donor sperm and she said how she wants twins...I want twins too but I won't be greedy..just send me my one baby and we'll call it a done deal. I have significant cramps today probably from the catheter. I read up on the whole business and they said right now what my body is hopefully doing is keeping the embryo warm and safe while the cells God-willing are multiplying. About 7 days post transfer they should be done and then the thing hatches (hatches?) and hopeful implantation begins. I'll admit that the last time around I didn't know that this is how it worked. I imagined that implantation was a battle that was starting as soon as they were put in but alas, that is not the case. I'm just hoping they do multiply..doctor said they were slow ones..not great...but it is what it is and miracles do happen. I have to call the clinic today as I forgot to jot down how much progesterone I'm supposed to inject myself with..duh. Thought of it last night. I think it's 2cc's but I'm not sure and I'm definitely not going to guess.
There's just so much shit running through my head..disappointments and upset with others and worry about never having babies...an idea I just can't seem to wrap my head around. Gonna try to stay positive and focused today...would love to clean out my closets though don't want to do anything that I might dwell about later..just going to chill with Tess and watch the boob tube, go online, maybe venture out a little later to the supermarket..we'll see.
Oh, P.S. Today is the 7th anniversary of my cancer diagnosis..Time flies.

Embryo transfer

Woke up this morning after a dream that a man entered my home with two little children...a girl and a boy...literally walked right in and I was only wearing a tshirt and I reprimanded him. The little boy came up to me..he had to be maybe all of 2 years old and asked why I yelled, if I was upset. I took his pudgy little hand in mine and told him that I wasn't and he was precious..then I woke up. Got up showered and about 1/4 to 9 got the call asking if I could come in by 10. I was already showered so I called Kay who sounded dead asleep and told her and she said she'd pick me up at 9;15 and off we went. 3 embryo made it and all 3 went in. They said though they didn't multiply as quickly as they wanted they were definitely in good shape and progressing with no cell fragmentation. I was high on valium which was good and the Dr. was nice. The whole thing took maybe 5 minutes...put my relaxation tape on my ipod on and slept for 1/2 hour, given an injection of Progesterone which I'll have to do every morning with a progesterone suppository (vaginal) at night. Instructions to take estradol sp? beginning Friday, and left and here I am to tell the tale. Feeling hopeful and happy and hoping they stay in.

While you wait

The anticipation of what I'll hear tomorrow is killing me and staying in the house all day isn't helping. I had nightmares last night of witnessing a stabbling, test driving a car (not a nightmare but strange), and lastly that Ling had been sitting Tess and that she'd gotten seriously hurt and I had to rush with her to the hospital with her guts hanging out. Tess is teeny tiny so you can only imagine my despair. So that was how I woke up to start my day, scared. I usually go spend time with my siblings on Sundays but when I texted to see what was up they told me they're leaving early to go back home. Sometimes I get so pissed at them as I'd wish they would consider me a little..consider telling me hey if you want to hang with us we're leaving early. I say us as they are a team...when they're together they don't think of me..it's only when the other person isn't available..painful but it is what it is and I have to accept as what real choice is there? There has always been a space between one or another of us. I don't include "D" as "D" really is our center of the universe..the reason we all see each other weekly. My older sib and I used to be super tight and the younger was the one who alienated themselves from us..never wanted to be with us only with their friends..beginning when they went away to college so it was me and the older sib..probably the least healthy of us all. Anyhow, the dynamics changed when the younger sib ended up in a psychiatric ward and the older wouldn't visit..too busy..showed me their true colors and I never forgot it. It was all compounded further when "D" had their crisis and the younger one, who promised to help would ignore my phone calls..I was left holding the bag not knowing where to turn..sounds simple but in reality it was smack in the middle of cancer and it was a crisis comparable to cancer...what do you do with someone who is dependant on a ton of meds when nobody wants to treat them...what do you do? What do you do when they're running out of meds and you don't know where to turn and everyone is refusing them help? Picture yourself sick and trying to cope with this by yourself while going to school and working full time. Not fun. Anyhow, I guess two things finished me off..when they told me I was having a nervous breakdown over the "incident" that happened at work and didn't want to talk to me about it anymore and I coulnd't stop crying..told me go get a shrink (which by the way I did and shrink told me I had PTSD..but yes, I'm "obsessive") and now of course when dealing with trying to get pregnant which they also are not interested in. Actually made the mistake of mentioning it to younger sib yesterday that I thought perhaps I wasn't able and they dismissed it saying well think about adoption..really? You can't even muster up, 'sorry to hear it' or 'why do you think that' or ask one fucking question? Okay, sorry my mistake. I only called you fifty times last week when you were having a meltdown over something being stolen from your car, making sure you were okay. Okay. Anyhow, all this shit is just eating at me today and really the real issue at hand is the question I keep asking myself if this pregnancy thing doesn't work out for me...where do I go from here? It's a sort of anger welling up inside of me..frustration, anger, desperation. I am having a little ole pity party for myself thinking, okay you can't have the thin gene, you aren't getting married, you belong to a crazy ass family, and no kids..? really? Hmmm...so what do I get here? Selfish and greedy huh? It could be worse..could have been poor, starving or a half wit.. I mean really, I could have been. But it still feels not right..I've really tried to be a good person in my life..at least for the first 30 years or so.Lived a life of service..always worked with the less fortunate and gave 101%.. Lately, I'm hanging on by a thread..praying praying but not really giving anything to anyone..feeling like I have nothing left really..just trying to hang onto myself and give a final go at making myself happy...trying for a last dream that I never thought possible..So I'm hoping tomorrow is good. Gotta lighten my mood to make it better put me in a positive more hopeful mood...a mood more in line with conceiving. I see the guy doctor tomorrow, did I mention? My chick is on vacation. Okay, well. Tess is barking and I look out to see the snow and the two little twin girls who live next door making their way inside with their mom. Too sweet.

Which came first? The chicken or the egg...or some such crazy thing

I don't know if everyone has had this experience growing up, though I imagine some people have...When I was I'd say in about the 5th grade, we learned about incubators and how to incubate an egg and make it a chick. Well, in my class the teacher agreed to carry the experiment out, rather than just explain it, if someone agreed to take the chicks home...of course someone did..the guy's name was John and his parents were the kind of parents that volunteered for everything..so we got the eggs (not sure where as I'm pretty sure it wasn't the supermarket) and lo and behold..chicks. I don't know why that seemed so easy really. It wasn't like I had an Einstein as a teacher or special magic eggs. If memory serves me correctly, the incubator was really some hay and a lightbulb or some such thing. I'm sure you know where I'm going with this..why? Why is it so easy to make a chick and get good eggs but so difficult to make a person? Had 18 eggs retrieved yesterday..sounds good right? Well, only 5 were mature and only 4 fertilized. I got the call today. So now we wait and see if they survive and the cells multiply the way they should for implantation. I'm praying for 2...just 2 to be okay. I need this time to be my time. I know most people seem to get it on the 4th and I know I'm not special but I'm alone and I need this time to happen for me. It just makes sense that if it usually happens on the 4th try for couples trying with IVF (or so it seems to me) then it should be half that time for me. Not real sense but fair is square kind of sense...childish but that's how I feel right now.

I took my friend Ling with me yesterday or I should say Ling took me. Word to the wise, when you're doing something so intimate and private, only take a best friend...(By the way, you can apply this rule to a million other areas of your life). Shouldn't have taken her. She was fine, nice, supportive, et cetera but it was just one of a million things on her day's agenda.....interesting but not the big deal it is to me (of course)..someone not involved in my every day life like Kay or Diana...even Lexi would have been a better choice but Ling kept asking to help and I feel like I'm relying too heavily on Kay and so I chose Ling..Next time..definitely Kay.

Anyhow, I call on Monday for the implantation day which they explained was most likely Monday.

Feelling not as optimistic, as I'd hoped for at least 8.....Greedy huh?.. but it's the truth so...

P.S.Started meds of Doxycycline yesterday (antibiotic) and Medrol (steroid).

The Freak Out

I was talking to Kay today about missing the opportunity to go out for drinks before it's too late and it occurred to me that if this happens for me this coming week it'll be quite a while before I can enjoy a drink or even go out with friends for that matter. Why this thought crept into my head today, I'm not sure. I didn't think of this with the last round of IVF but all of a sudden I'm a little freaked. A little freaked that this whole venture may be too much. It's not that I'm having second thoughts so much as I'm wigging a little...I guess it's comparable to what someone might feel the day before they're getting married. Yesterday, I went to Weight watchers with Diana and she cried as she talked about her life, feeling suicidal and never realizing how hard it is to be single. She said she never knew what her younger brother was going through or how I dealt with the loneliness of singlehood.. I explained that for us singles, it wasn't as hard..you get used to it gradually and it's not like something was taken from us or we were made to stand alone after having some other party as a support...we've had only us and so in that respect, we are stronger..grew stronger with time. For her, and others finding themselves suddenly single, particularly if you were married early, it's harder I think..you're expected to suddenly stand alone without that support that you've always had unlike us that experienced a gradual separation from our parents and the development of our survival skills. I think this decision is the exception..the decision to have a baby. For the most part I think us singles are hoping for Mr. Wonderful to show up eventually and then plan a family...the crunch time comes and you have to start thinking of doing this shit solo. Hard decision. Very hard. But I see people do it all the time and I refuse to live with the regret of never trying...I couldn't do this to myself as a person or as a woman...and so..onward. Freaked out but onward. My friend Ling picks me up in the morning to take me to the retrieval and I'm just hoping there are some (really hoping for plenty) in there and that this time they fertilize better and eventually implant..That's as far as I'm willing to hope for today and for this weekend. The rest of the wishing will have to wait until that part is over. Baby steps..no pun.

Trigger

Gave myself a 10,000 unit HCG trigger shot and received confirmation that egg retrieval will be on Friday. Hoping, praying, and trying to stay stress free.

Catching up

I've been meaning to post but haven't had a moment...story of my life so thought I'd scribble down a few words. I also wanted a chart inserted to track my meds but alas, a list will have to do;

1/30 Follistim IM 450cc in the P.M.
1/31 "" "
2/1 "" "
2/2 "" "
2/3 "" "
2/4 "" "
2/5 "" " ,IM Luveris, IM Ganirelix all in the A.M.
2/6 "" " " "
2/7 "" " " "
2/8 will be the same

I also had to go see Dr. B on Monday 2/6, go again tomorrow (2/8) and she said I'd be going in most likely Friday for the egg retrieval and either Monday Tuesday or Wednesday to put the embryos back in.

I won't lie...I'm nervous..more like anxious really. I had my tarot read last night. Indicated a pregnancy..possibly two. There was a sad part as it also indicated that I may never find true love but as long as I have my children, I think I'll be okay with this. Aside from giving it my best shot this too is out of my hands.

So that's the update and I have to get to getting. Will keep updating..more as a record for me than anything else.