I'm a Wuss now..sh#$

I've turned into such a chicken shit I can't even stand my sniveling self anymore. I'm freaked out at work and feeling anxious left and right. I'm super freaked about this upcoming IVF thing and even just waiting for my period (due tomorrow) is totally stressing me out, even though it's not this round I'm doing, but next round....freaked, freaked, freaked. I have to call them though the day I get my period this cycle..why? I don't know..I'm just too freaked to really think shit out. And last but not least...I'm freaked that this guy that is supposedly interested in me is calling me...at least I think it's him as someone, with his same last name, left a quick message yesterday on my machine telling me to call him but not saying why. Supposedly this dude met me at work though he was not a client and of course I can't remember him for shit because that is how I roll...I never remember anybody...just meet wayy too many people. Kay doesn't remember him either. Who the fuck knows..but I'm freaked. I feel like shit about my body and I can't go out with anybody like this. Aside from that I'm in the middle of trying to make a baby... He's actually the same mix I am and works in a sort of similar field.. If he was the one that left the message, he has a slight accent...not really my thing but who the freak am I really.

Anyhow, I'm trying to be calm as I know I have to be for this upcoming cycle but I have too many fires going at the same time and the stress is just ridiculous... Mattie tells me to pray about it and I try to pray but I'm distracted by my own thoughts..craziness really.

Any ol' way, I can't write as my hands are killing me. Wanted to just touch base and catch up, let go of some of these thoughts here on these pages.

Trying to stay cautiously hopeful about the next few months. I'm scared as it's more hopeful than cautious and I can't have another broken heart this year...

The other half...of the pill that is

The other half of that old Valium finally went down the hatch tonight. That my brain doesn't literally explode surprises the shit out of me. Yesterday...late yesterday...I go over to my mom's and meet my sib who said they were taking D to Target to do some shopping..would I like to come along. Um..I've done like shit worth of Christmas shopping so uh, yeah! I get there, my sibs on the horn with the other sib...we've got nobody to watch my dad today, Teresa called out. When did she call out I ask? Last week. What? What!? and we're trying to figure this shit out the night before? Older sib gets a puss on when I suggest we take turns...arguing with other sib...I say, Hang up and call the day chick. The day chick so far, Rocks...kind, considerate, and will do anything no qualms. Sib is like, she can't do another day. I say just call her ass and see if she knows someone. I get my cell and call myself. She says she's calling a friend, what's the rate for the day, how long and she'll let me know in a few. Calls me back in half hour and it's covered. The anxiety that erupted in my chest over the shit...not so fast to go away.

Today I'm freaked as nobody seems to have any fire under their ass about moving my dad's shit, packing up, nothing. I speak to both sibs who say, "you think we need to start". WTF fellas really? I won't get into it..it's just stupid and long. We haven't packed shit. Younger sib says they'll meet me there tomorrow to pack. Neither know what I'm up to tomorrow so I tell them I'll call after "work".

Kay calls me tonight and I vomit my problems to her over the phone. I explain I cancelled my therapy session as I don't want to share tomorrow with anybody whether it's good or bad except for Kay of course who if I was a lesbian I would marry as she's just too good to me. Anyhow, she says, Gem, take the other half of that Valium, get some sleep tonight and try not to think about it. I decide to go ahead and take it and the anxiety has subsided. I'll sleep in a bit but wanted to just share this whatever this is, here, where I can say what I need.

I wonder at times when I'll find some peace...to have a baby I imagine you need some peace for that egg to want to hold onto. I don't remember a time where I had that. Always chaos in my life. Hoping for the best tomorrow but trying to prepare myself for the worst. Time will tell.

Coming to a head

The anxiety is at full swing folks as this week the shit is coming to a head...so I'll either be in pieces at the end or will see a ray of hope. I have my appointment this Monday with the new clinic and the new doctor. Did I mention I pulled up the stats on Sart.org and my regular clinics stats were ridiculously low...so low it's just not even worth mentioning. The shrink brought up the fact, and I do believe I'm repeating some info here, that stats depend on the info going in...in other words on who they actually accept and it may just be that my clinic takes everybody and this other clinic does not...hoping this isn't the case and they'll actually take me...well time will tell won't it. I feel like this year has been the ass kicker of ass kickers and it'd be great to end on a positive.

In other news, my father is still at the nursing home for longer than we expected as he had somewhat of a setback. He continues to hallucinate and be nowhere near normal mentally or physically. A devastation really and last night after picking up my sib from the bus stop they stated wanting to get to the bottom of it so that he can go back to normal. Go back to normal? Ummm, perhaps I've had the hope bitch slapped out of me but I said to them, Uh,,,I don't think he's going back to "normal". Not for nothing but..hello. I could be wrong. I hope I'm wrong. For D's sake and for his sake as he hates all of this shit and I hate it to but frankly, I'm not holding my breath. Aside from all this shit, the finances are going faster than you can say, whatthefuck? and my youngest sib, who is in charge of the finances is in shock. They had given a budget of $2K to fix the new apartment and I said, are you just accounting for materials? They thought I was nuts. I explained, having recently had a bathroom renovated this shit costs dough. Needless to say, $2k went on materials...we're waiting to hear how much the work turned out to be. Yes, we work ass backwards...work first price later..go figure. There's nothing that can be done about it but we are definitely raising every one's rent come next year. He may be discharged on Monday which worries me because there is no way I can help with that....waited over 2 months for this doctor's appointment but I won't even jump to any worrying as I've got enough in real life.

Work is work. I finally had the opportunity to speak to my boss about the shit going on in my unit. No reprimands for anybody of course....may be taken off of my staff list and put in a different unit which is fine. I'm just so done with the whole thing really. Just need my peace but need my ego to get out of Peace's way. I am well aware that my worrying is my own OCD shit and though I've never been diagnosed with that..thank God...every one's got a little of everything and it's crystal clear to me that work woes is a topic that I take too personally. I wish I could just go there, leave and blow shit off but it's like I'm constantly playing these old tapes in my head and I rewind the mothers and play them back...angry at the whole shit of it. Got to get over it really. Just trying to find a way. I've just been praying about it like Mattie tells me.

As far as my fairy Godmother I haven't visited her again and I feel terribly guilty but the truth is I have not had time for shit. My apartment is a mess and today, the first day I would have had some time, I found myself unable to get up off the couch dead asleep as I've been unable to catch enough zzzz's all week. I finally had time to dye my hair today and shave everything that needed shaving...tmi..sorry...and tomorrow I take care of plucking and bleaching whatever else needs to be done.

And that's it. I'm wiped. Just fucking wiped. Say a prayer for me this week whoever is out there as I'll need it. I'll need it and I've needed it as there are too many days where I feel I'm at the cusp of losing the shit.. Just losing my friggin mind or whatever is left of it.

Life on life's terms

My father is in the nursing home now and it's not good. He is just about completely blind though my sibling said that peripherally he has some sight. One of his eyes now roves around aimlessly. He can't see shit. He can't walk. It's not good. I know I said that before but it's what comes out of my mouth when people ask me how he's doing; it's not good. We hired someone to sit with him at the nursing home during the day for 8 hours each day..only to ensure he's being cared for properly. It'll be 12 hours on Sundays Tuesdays and Thursdays as our schedules are tight on those days and we can't fill in the rest of the hours when the chick we hired leaves. He'll have to have around the clock care to go home and we hired someone to do that as well. He'll have to move to a bigger place to have a second bedroom for her as she'll be a live-in. It's heartbreaking really and the stress is beyond. It's to the point that I go between anger, crying, silence, complete fear, and back around again. I feel bad. I called the other day when I was at work to check on him and he said, "Gem, get me out of here. I don't want to be here, I want to be home". I know that feeling. I was in isolation on the oncology ward for a week, and it was supposed to be for 2 but half way in I called my friend Z and had her pick me up against medical advice...they even threatened to call the police as I was radioactive but I was adamant...a hospital will do that to you..drive you crazy. What's saving his ass is all the company he's getting..tons of people coming by. Monday of last week there were over 30 people in the one day...I may have mentioned that before but hell if I can remember shit from day to day..I'm just wiped. I've been running home from work to pick up Tess, drop her off at my mom's and going to the nursing home until the night, then running back to get Tess, going home, and starting it all again the next day. It's this crazy fear and panic in my stomach...I almost left tonight at about 9:30 pm to go see him in a panic. Just irrationally worried...about what I'm not sure...just that he'll be upset really...that he'll find himself helpless with nobody around and the orderlies won't hear him because he can't yell out.

My father and I have had a shit relationship..I believe I mentioned that for over 10 years we didn't speak and I have no guilt over that, really...that's not what drives me at all. I think in truth I'd do it for any friend in the same situation. I know hospitals and I know panic and it's not pretty and so I'm freaked. If it were me I'd not want to be living this way if there wasn't hope to improve. My father is an odd duck though. He is unnaturally calm in all situations. He's not freaked about being blind it seems, it's just more sick of being there and not home. When I explained he has to be able to walk on his own he seemed to accept this. I envy this calm, this roll with the punches mentality. I've never seen the dude panic, never heard him raise his voice, or act anything but in control...so not like me..

In the middle of all this I'm playing with the thought of Colorado; the #1 rated place for fertility that seems to promise miracles. I'm in limbo right now only because I know I couldnt' do any treatment with my nerves the way they are. I'm an emotional mess and experiencing anxiety like crazy. Just waiting til things settle if they do at all. Time will tell.

At this point I'm just trying to accept it all. Just when you think you're in a funk something comes to rock your world and fuck you up beyond what you thought you could endure and suddenly...you're coping, you're moving forward, going through the motions if that's all you can do...just going on. This is life.

Someone wrote this on their facebook page tonight and I found it so apropos; Life's about hanging on when you're heart's had enough..and giving more when you wanna give up. Too true.

Shi#%!

Tomorrow I go for my sonogram which leads up to Friday's insemination..my first IUI. I didn't think I'd be this nervous but alas here I am pretty shitting. I had a fit of crying this past weekend that wouldn't stop. I blogged about it but there was too much to say and I never did finish that thought..maybe sometime this week I'll bang it out. I think it was the clomid that made me so hysterical. When I tell you I couldn't stop, I couldn't stop. It was right before I had to go out with my siblings including "D" so I had to call Kay to help me pull myself together. I sobbed and sobbed and in retrospect, though I blamed it all on the meds and hormones, I think it's the last remnants of mourning for the kind of life I dreamt of maybe just a little. I never was a big one for fairy tales but in my secret life, the one where I didn't have to be so tough and so brave, I did dream of one day finding my knight; someone who could protect me from the too many demons coursing through my brain and walking nearby. Still, when I'm looking at men, I look for the big ones. The ones that can really protect me, not only physically, but with enough balls to do the job. Not the ruffins (as my Godmom calls them) but just the one's that know not to take any shit and that a woman is not their mom, their buddy, or their physical equal. I don't share with everyone that this is how I feel. I have a thing about showing vulnerability; it scares me to let anyone know what my achilles heel may be..but I'll tell you that most of the time I walk around petrified that someone will do something to hurt me physically..men really...hence the life of a spinster here. Oh well. I do hope that somewhere down the line..when the baby or babies are a little older maybe, I can find someone. I real man, not this sorry excuse you see nowadays. I know I sound jaded..I am...I talk about it in therapy and I'm more open to it than I used to be. Trust issues that I don't want to pass down to whatever child ends up in my life. Speaking of...

Did I ever tell you I almost adopted two children? It was a little over a year ago and it was something that literally fell in my lap. The children were 3 and 4 years old. I was able to pull the history on them though and realized that they were from a seriously disturbed mother and changed my mind. I think sometimes maybe it was a mistake, maybe that was my chance. But in all fairness to myself and them I was not in a position mentally to take them. I had just had my "incident" at work, had left my therapist, and was hanging on for dear life. You want to hear weird? Last week the two children came in close proximity to me. I had never met them before but had seen pics and let me tell you....adorable. Not conventionally adorable but adorable. The person who has them seems to be taking good care of them so...but still at times I think what could have been. Maybe in another life I would have been able to cope but after "D" I don't think I could knowingly enter into caring for someone else that was severely disabled. If it was fate and a child of my own, I guess I'd have to find the strength from within, but to knowingly bring one into my life..no. This may sound selfish but any parent of a disabled child would probably tell you the same thing...though they wouldn't change a thing, they wouldn't volunteer to take one on. It's a heartbreaking experience...it still is and things are good with "D"...couldn't love them more..the best part of my life..the person I love the most..but it has caused me pain like I've never known or never thought to know. One of the girls at work who has a child with Autism and I always talk about this...how much you love them but how painful, not hard, as hard is a different topic altogehter, but painful, the situation is. Anyhow, another one of my coworkers is seeking to adopt through the state. It's mostly children who have either mentally incompetent mothers or else drug addicted mothers that the state has available. She was recently hoping to get one she knew had been taken away from it's crack addicted mother. Me, I dont' think I could do this.

So I go in tomorrow for my pelvic sono with an RE (male) that I've never gone to before and I'm shitting. I just hope I'm on the right path..have been asking God to lead me to the right path because I'm frightened and this experience has made me feel more alone or has magnified how single I really am. It has also surpsingly enough made me feel like so much more of a woman..I can't explain it. Just made me feel whole and happy with myself in a way I never have before. Overweight body and all I feel like I really am a whole person, missing nothing..It's a feeling I've never had before; that I am enough. It's good.