Shi#%!

Tomorrow I go for my sonogram which leads up to Friday's insemination..my first IUI. I didn't think I'd be this nervous but alas here I am pretty shitting. I had a fit of crying this past weekend that wouldn't stop. I blogged about it but there was too much to say and I never did finish that thought..maybe sometime this week I'll bang it out. I think it was the clomid that made me so hysterical. When I tell you I couldn't stop, I couldn't stop. It was right before I had to go out with my siblings including "D" so I had to call Kay to help me pull myself together. I sobbed and sobbed and in retrospect, though I blamed it all on the meds and hormones, I think it's the last remnants of mourning for the kind of life I dreamt of maybe just a little. I never was a big one for fairy tales but in my secret life, the one where I didn't have to be so tough and so brave, I did dream of one day finding my knight; someone who could protect me from the too many demons coursing through my brain and walking nearby. Still, when I'm looking at men, I look for the big ones. The ones that can really protect me, not only physically, but with enough balls to do the job. Not the ruffins (as my Godmom calls them) but just the one's that know not to take any shit and that a woman is not their mom, their buddy, or their physical equal. I don't share with everyone that this is how I feel. I have a thing about showing vulnerability; it scares me to let anyone know what my achilles heel may be..but I'll tell you that most of the time I walk around petrified that someone will do something to hurt me physically..men really...hence the life of a spinster here. Oh well. I do hope that somewhere down the line..when the baby or babies are a little older maybe, I can find someone. I real man, not this sorry excuse you see nowadays. I know I sound jaded..I am...I talk about it in therapy and I'm more open to it than I used to be. Trust issues that I don't want to pass down to whatever child ends up in my life. Speaking of...

Did I ever tell you I almost adopted two children? It was a little over a year ago and it was something that literally fell in my lap. The children were 3 and 4 years old. I was able to pull the history on them though and realized that they were from a seriously disturbed mother and changed my mind. I think sometimes maybe it was a mistake, maybe that was my chance. But in all fairness to myself and them I was not in a position mentally to take them. I had just had my "incident" at work, had left my therapist, and was hanging on for dear life. You want to hear weird? Last week the two children came in close proximity to me. I had never met them before but had seen pics and let me tell you....adorable. Not conventionally adorable but adorable. The person who has them seems to be taking good care of them so...but still at times I think what could have been. Maybe in another life I would have been able to cope but after "D" I don't think I could knowingly enter into caring for someone else that was severely disabled. If it was fate and a child of my own, I guess I'd have to find the strength from within, but to knowingly bring one into my life..no. This may sound selfish but any parent of a disabled child would probably tell you the same thing...though they wouldn't change a thing, they wouldn't volunteer to take one on. It's a heartbreaking experience...it still is and things are good with "D"...couldn't love them more..the best part of my life..the person I love the most..but it has caused me pain like I've never known or never thought to know. One of the girls at work who has a child with Autism and I always talk about this...how much you love them but how painful, not hard, as hard is a different topic altogehter, but painful, the situation is. Anyhow, another one of my coworkers is seeking to adopt through the state. It's mostly children who have either mentally incompetent mothers or else drug addicted mothers that the state has available. She was recently hoping to get one she knew had been taken away from it's crack addicted mother. Me, I dont' think I could do this.

So I go in tomorrow for my pelvic sono with an RE (male) that I've never gone to before and I'm shitting. I just hope I'm on the right path..have been asking God to lead me to the right path because I'm frightened and this experience has made me feel more alone or has magnified how single I really am. It has also surpsingly enough made me feel like so much more of a woman..I can't explain it. Just made me feel whole and happy with myself in a way I never have before. Overweight body and all I feel like I really am a whole person, missing nothing..It's a feeling I've never had before; that I am enough. It's good.