It ain't all bad

A couple of days a week, I go into work early..these are my favorite days as it gives me a minute before anyone is around and I get to leave everyone behind when I leave early. Today I went in early got a few things done..one little back and forth with one of the crazy girls at work which was somewhat upsetting but it passed and the therapist I had called yesterday called me back..again. I was surprised as, like I stated previously, she didn't sound overly enthusiatic about making the appointment but I should stop being so presumptious and just go with the flow at times. I have an appointment for next Thursday at 5 right by my job so it works out. It'd work out better if it was at 415 but hey... Anyhow, I'm hoping it goes well. As crazy as I feel sometimes and as much as I don't always trust my judgment anymore, I know I made the right decision to leave the other chick. I have to stop trying to cram the square into the circle, and just trust what my gut is telling me. For whatever reason when this new chick called me, Sinthia with an S!..judgement!..I felt better..not sure why but I did and my day went better. I had the cable company come out and move the tv from one side of the room to the other, tipped the guy who seemed a little freaky and not at all friendly to Tess, and tried to relax for the rest of the evening. Tomorrow I'm going in early again and hope it goes just as well. I basically just stayed away from everyone.

I forgot to mention that yesterday I got a text from Mattie that she was putting in her 2 weeks notice as she was overwhelmed. I told her we'd talk today when she came in but, of course, she called out. She does this a lot but for whatever reason, it doesn't bother me all that much. I spoke to her today and suggested she put in a leave rather than quit until she can get a hold of her personal life. She called the director of her agency who agreed and then called to thank me. There are times where I like when she's there and times when I don't but for whatever reason, I always feel better when she's around even if her lotion smells like rotten fruit and her food stinks to high heaven and stinks up my office. I think she came at just the right time, and like with so many other things and people in my life, I can't help but be grateful to God for giving me things/people who propped me up at a time where I felt like I couldn't stand on my own. Mattie was one of those props and I'm sure I mentioned before, I think the feeling is mutual.

Anyhow, carpel tunnel setting in so...

What do I do with all of this?

I went to see the Canadians today. There was a new chick there..just as heavy as me but shorter..married..a little odd or at least it seemed to me. Had a talk with one of them afterwards regarding the whole fertility thing and food thing and she said perhaps the hormones are making me eat more...it's possible. I know that I haven't felt this crazy in a long time. And on that note: I told my therapist that I didn't want to see her any more. She emailed me to say she was puzzled...This statement, though brief, infuriates me, and I'll tell you why (rational or irrational). I just feel that as a therapist, whatever it is you're feeling is your problem..period! So you tell me you're puzzled and what do you want me to do with that as your client because I most certainly am not your peer in this relationship.. you're puzzled? well, that in a nutshell says it all. I'm puzzled too and when I find a shrink that can figure out this puzzle, I'll give you her number. Fucking crazy ass therapists..give me a sane therapist..a thing that apparently doesn't exist unless that person has worked on themselves for years and years, and continues to work on attaining a semblance of sanity to spread to those of us less fortunate folks. Shit! I wrote her back and just said "Thank you (name). I appreciate you having seen me". Really I wanted to write "I know you're puzzled..duh" but I can't..that's the bitch in me. Maybe it's the hormones, maybe it's the food, the two years sans cigarettes that to this day haunts and taunts, whatever it is, I'm cranky and irritable and not in the mood for shit. Weird that my old therapist recommended her as they couldn't be more different and the only thing I can see they had in common is that they were both lesbians..other than that..nothing. I called some other chick today who called me back pretty quickly thought there seemed to be a note of disinterest in her message. Will make an appointment and try her out. I know what I'm looking for..I'm looking for someone calm and reliable..someone who calls you when you call them and lets me talk. I wanted to say so much in my last session and I ended up being able to squeeze two words in and left pissed. Still pissed. Puzzled.

I had to inject myself twice tonight as I only had 300 iu left in the cartridge and needed to take 375 iu and I certainly wasn't going to toss the 300 iu I had left..I heard that stuff cost a fortune..thank God for government insurance. I did it but it adds to the irritation of it all. It's hard for me to explain why injecting myself upsets me so much but it just does. I really can't stand it and just want to feel normal again. I'll have to hang in as the only way to get off the hormones is to get pregnant and then my hormones really kick in..Shit.

So that's that for tonight..I got a barrel full of feelings and nothing to do with them. Nobody to listen to them or nobody I care to burden with them so I'm throwing them out to the universe. Enjoy!

Cry Baby

Woke up feeling super sensitive today; on the verge of tears really and had to run to the RE before work so was up by 5:30 and out the door at about 6:30. Once again it was couples day at the RE and again it hurt to watch. Had to exert supreme effort not to cry and the stab in the heart came when a couple showed up with the chicks mom...a thing I couldn't imagine in my wildest dreams my mother doing other than when she had to when I was a child too young to go alone. I love my mother but there are so many times I wish she was just a little more motherly and a little less her needing to be mothered. She grew up an orphan and that in a nutshell explains it all. We get who we get and I appreciate many of the things she taught me, the things she felt it was important to learn; manners, how to dress, to guard your credit like it's your life, and keep a clean house. My RE appeared genuinely disappointed that it didn't take and told me not to worry, that it was really the first real chance I had and she wanted to increase my dose of follistim to increase my chances. She's adorable..just the sweetest thing and I thank God that that's who I ended up with, a real gift to me who is so embarrassed and humiliated to show my body but this chick..she makes it seem like who cares..love her. So she checks me out, says she sees what looks like another 5 follicles; 4 small and one large..is somewhat concerned but explains that it's either residual from last time and not yet discarded by my body, or my hormones are off and we have to skip a month. Either way is fine as truthfully, I'm exhausted emotionally. She calls later to say my hormones are fine and onward with the injections;375 iu of follistim. Ugh. So that in a nut shell was my day. Had one upset with the boss but really just trivial and crazy amounts of people to manage this morning ..typical Monday.

So all-in-all, okay if exhausting, day. Thankful in a million little and big ways. Hoping October is my month. No Gemini baby(ies) for me..whew!

Like a thief in the night

So I've been hiding out all weekend, avoiding calls and keeping myself on the down low. Just want to run away a little. Found a new donor that I'll try if this upcoming month doesn't work out. I need a stress free week at work to get my bearings...will have to hide out there as well. It's to the point where I want to sit in the dark and just let time go by discreetly without it noticiing me for a little bit but with my family and friends quietly at arms length in case I need them and of course my Tess.

One of the Canadians from my oa meeting called me...3 times...been ignoring her. I just can't right now.. I feel terrible about it. I did go to an online oa meeting last night..was good and I shared. I've been spiralling out of control with these hormones and really with just me..can't reign myself in. I've been reading this book called Angry Fat Girls, about a group of women who lost and gained weight and went on to lose it again...gives me hope. I had at one point gotten very close to normal weight...not normal skinny but normal shopping store normal. It was very scary for me in the men department and I know I use my weight to protect me...another way to hide. I have done this a lot in my life...hidden out. I run scared a lot..scared of men and scared of scary women..bitchy self assured, self righteous women...you'd never know this if you met me. I'm often told the first impression people get of me is 'tough'..no accident..and true to a point but it's a purposeful tough not a natural tough. I make an effort to have a dead pan stare and walk with confidence. My fairy godmother calls it my shield. It is. I want to lose weight because honestly, my body is having a difficult time carrying all this, but emotionally, I can't deal with male attention right now and even if I tell myself I can wear a 'disguise' so to speak..scares me and all in all I can't get a handle on my food addiction, so who am I kidding? Anyhow, had to rant and just get some of it off my chest. Just feeling tired and whatnot.Feel like smoking, drinking, doing my old thing, just getting buzzed with a smoke..been over 2 years but I can't. Need some time off and it's coming..Have some personal time I'm willing to part with so will scan the calendar for a good day to be off.

This week, I need to work on finding a therapist..a part of me wants to give it another try with this chick..my brain tells me to get a grip on reality and move on. Brain is gonna have to win as I don't have time for trifling.

After the night

I woke up today with a deep sense of loss, as if I'd just gone through something. A feeling seeming so out of place as there really wasn't anything ever there but I guess it's the loss of a little bit of hope...all after just a moment last night.. I want to believe that it'll happen but like too many other things that haven't, I don't want it to be unbearably painful and put too much hope or make believe it will, when the reality is it might not. The truth is, I'm on the cusp of old, I'm terribly overweight, and my body has had more than it's share of poisons pumped into it both for medical reasons and from years of addiction to nicotine so..... My feeling is,I don't want to give up, and of course I'll continue as this was only my second time but I don't want to have endless months or even years of doing this as I've read so many other people have.. I don't know. Do I limit myself to 6 months..then stretch it to 7, to 8, where do you cut yourself off? Hoping it doesn't come to that and I guess I'm just going to have to see where the road leads me. Just feeling super sad today. Slept like the dead after taking 2 benadryl for a cold..was psyched to find it in my cabinet last night as usually I just use the claritin since cold meds are out (thyroid condition). So I slept and woke up what felt like a year later. Gotta snap myself out of this. I took Tess to the groomer today and she looks beautiful as usual. I always tell her that's she's my beautiful little girl and on the long way home from the groomer's I thought to myself..what if she is the only thing I'll have in my life to take care of..how will I handle that? I guess I just would as the thought of adopting doesn't appeal to me. I know some people may find that weird..it's not that I couldn't love an adopted child but I'm not feeling it for whatever reason. "D" is adopted whom I love with all my heart..the closest thing to a child I've had but no, adoption just doesn't feel right..but maybe later I would change my mind. Don't know if I ever mentioned here that I almost applied to take 2 little girls early last year..I believe I did..

Anyhow, for now I guess I just start again. Will see the RE Monday morning.

AF you bitch!

So I'm on day 10 post IUI and I'm thinking..I'm going to test tomorrow as the anticipation is killing me and I can't keep thinking I am pregnant and making this imaginary baby real. She saved me wasting a test stick as the bitch came early. I should have known as I felt mild cramping on two occasions today but I was holding onto hope for dear life and lo and behold I come home from my mom's about 15 minutes ago, go to the bathroom and voila, by the power of television, there on my pantyliner is a red mother friggin trace of that bitch. I realize I'm lucky I still get my period as there are some people with fertility issues that don't but I was so hoping not to have to do this again...yes, me and about a million other people in my same boat. I have to tell you something that really shocked me..upon seeing the blood there on the tissue, though I wasn't truly surprised, what did surprise me was how painful it was to see it. It instantly brought tears to my eyes and I'll admit as I write this that it's still painful. I have got to continue though and just move on with it. I can't imagine it not happening. If it doesn't it's on to plan B... a change of careers and a simpler life..if it's just going to be me it's not worth all of this aggravation. Sometimes I think to myself that I am sabotaging my chances with this weight or maybe it is that I'm just not supposed to get pregnant..but I know how my life has been...it's mostly been a series of things coming extremely easy or extremely hard; no in between, so I just thought it would either be crystal clear that I can't or a quick and easy fertilization. I have 2 more vials put away and someone offered to sell me 3 other vials though how I would get them to my RE safely is something to consider.

I saw my new therapist this past Wednesday and I hate to admit it but I think this is a bust. She sucks. We spend practically the whole session going over her accomplishments with some minor comments about my life. I left there pissed. I think people in practice forget that therapy is not just a conversation. Anyway, I'm not even going to get into it..suffice is to say I have to look for someone else..she is not the one. Even writing about it pisses me off.

So that's my week in a nutshell besides the bullshit that happened at work. It's been a doozy of a week which started off with me escorting Jecca out of my office...yes, that kind of week...just not my week I guess. A beginning with an ending to match though we still have Saturday..God help me.

Baby Making

I feel like I haven't written in quite some time though in reality, it's been about a week. I was inseminated on Tuesday,a surprise as the Dr. had initially stated that it would be Wednesday, but my levels were rapidly increasing so Tuesday it was and then again on Wednesday. I am very hopeful this time around as I had 4, count them 4, follicles. Last week the Dr. thought there were only 3 but lo and behold.. She was psyched as well, so I'm crossing my fingers, am excited, and trying not to imagine a million pregnancy symptoms. I feel fine except that I have (embarrassingly enough) terrible gas pain for the past 3 days. If I tell you that I never get gas, I never get gas but I'm trying not to think about it or over diagnose and yes I googled it and got my hopes up as apparently it is an early sign of pregnancy but still it could also be an early sign of eating too much broccolli.. I'm excited and scared all rolled into one.

I started seeing the new therapist this past week...not thrilled by her but she'll do in a pinch but I think eventually I'll have to switch her out. She's one of these old school tell me about your past type therapists and listen, it's all fine and good, and yes, my childhood was probably not the norm, but it's done and I'm okay with it...but she insists we go over it and tries to match up present feelings with shit from the past..fine, fine..but at the first sign of crazy, I'm out! People ask me all the time, Gem, why don't you hang a shingle? I think about it all the time and at one point I would have loved it..but the reality is that when you're a therapist (or that type of thing) you need to recognize when you yourself aren't healthy enough to work and I think too few people aren't healthy enough. Me? I'm not strong enough right now to take on a caseload of 15-20 people's issues..I can only, and that's barely, deal with mine..so no, no shingle..the world has enough crazy people practicing mental health care. So onward I go, in a field that doesn't require you to be anything in particular..just on your toes and ready to cover your ass in a minute.

Anyhow, I just wanted to catch up, and update this little adventure I'm on. My family is still not keen with this whole thing and the only person who talks to me about it with any genuine interest is my younger sibling..fine, fine..not really but it'll have to do for now..

Mix ups, joy, and secrets.

Had a pretty good day though exhausting...Started off at the RE's office where there is some other patient with the same first name as me..strange because it isn't all that common..anyhow, got called into a back room and explained that the Dr. would like to speak to me..picture it Sicily..you go to the RE and you're put in a regular office to wait for the doc..not an exam room. Of course I think the worst and of course they'd just mistakenly pulled the other chicks file with my same name instead of mine and the bad news wasn't for me...whew!! scared the shit out of me..thought one of two things; either something that would prevent me from having a baby or cancer was back which would prevent me from having a baby as I wouldn't try if it came back. Worried for nothing but did feel bad for the other girl. Turns out I have 3 good follicles available that are doing nicely, my levels are "excellent", and off we go...go back on Monday and probably inseminate on Tuesday..cool! One of the girls I made friends with at the RE's, Beth, was there...she's pregnant and I'm thrilled for her. She's been trying for 10 years for crying out loud!-she can't even believe it as in all the years she's never been pregnant at all. So needless to say..just thrilled for her..she really is a doll. We exchanged information so we can keep in contact.

Speaking of information, just wanted to make a little confession here...most all of the names in my blog have been changed including mine only because of what I do for a living and if someone came across this blog it wouldn't be good for me. People in the donor sperm circle can make out who I am but for everyone else I need to be anonymous in order to keep myself safe..physically, mentally, and financially. No, I'm not famous but I'm pretty well known to the point that any time I go out with my family they get annoyed by people coming up to me (I get annoyed as well)... Gemma is a name that's special to me and not so far from my own.. My apologies if anyone feel like I deceived them.

Over the edge of irritable

Okay, so this has to be the Follistim or however you spell it. I've spent the entire day with just Tess and I'm irritable as hell. Had only one brief positive conversation by phone and I want to rip people's head off. Who you ask?..oh well people on FACEBOOK which is stupid, as it's people I don't know, not doing anything in particular,...just feeling like they're know it alls,..which I know they're not but want to rip their heads off anyway..this ain't good. We have 6 more full days to go on this shit and I have a block party with the WHOLE!!!!! family on Saturday..Ugh!! The only real upset I had today was I found a tick on Tess which I was shocked to find as #1 she's never had one before and #2 the vet changed her flea/tick preventive to something that supposedly kills ticks very quickly (vectra it's called)..took the little blood sucker off with a tweezer but it really freaked and skeeved me out..my poor Tess..as if she's got any nourishment to spare..She threw up again today..scares me. Also worried about continuing with these meds..will talk to the doc tomorrow..I have ativans from last year if the shit gets really bad but I try not to take them..actually not even sure they're still good. Have almost the entire bottle from the original script left that's how scared I am of getting hooked on prescription crap. Anyhow...hands hurt and crabby so...ugh

Follisitim or is it me? More Ramblings...

Today I gave myself my second injection of the follisitim 300 mgs/? I'm not feeling so hot today emotionally and I'm not sure if this is due to the meds or due to me. I had a very stressful day at work trying to decipher greek that the boss gave me..blows my mind that she gives me shit she should be doing and I have no idea about. If I worked at a regular company it'd be one thing but I work for the government so this shit is important but oh well, I do what I can. I called up another head Government worker in charge of the project my boss gave me and she was stunned that I was working on it let alone working on it by myself..sho the fuck knows..this is just a crazy place to work but I'm grateful for the job. Tomorrow I'm calling out..something I hardly ever do...maybe 2 to 3 times a year...it makes me feel guilty so I don't like to do it. I just need a day to relax and catch up with myself so to speak. I feel extremely emotional, though in truth, I was feeling this way earlier in the week but my period is over and today it's worse than ever. So I was wondering if it was the injections or the fact that I'm feeling incredibly lonely this week particularly at work...not sure. Kay has been out and thankfully Mattie came in this week...(this is the older lady who is from an outside agency assigned to help me). She's a doll and not your typical grandma (she's in recovery over 20 years from hard street drugs) but she has good words of wisdom though at times she's talking out of her ass and makes the shit up, but I like her. She asked me today why I find it easier when she's there as she doesn't do too much and I explained that the staff behave differently when she's there. I'm not sure if it's because she's older or if it's because there's a witness but they don't go off on me and aren't mean to me..they really don't confront me on shit so I like it as I really can't stand when they do that..it's hurtful to me as I really do try and be nice to them.

Right now, when I'm trying to have a baby, I really need to stay as stress free as possible and my job makes that very difficult. Between the staff and my asshole boss it'd be bad enough but add that the job itself is demanding and stressful and it can send anyone over the edge. So I was glad for Mattie this week and it just so happens that tomorrow she won't be there so me being out works out.

Aside from Mattie, I really didn't talk to anyone today. I had a conversation with Ollie who is on his way to Florida from Texas with all of his belongings but it was all about him..rightfully so, as he is going through something major and his sister was also listening in so it's not like I want to say anything personal for her to hear but I felt like I just needed to talk to someone. I tried to call Diana but she wasn't working tonight and wasn't picking up her cell. The fact that she wasn't at work makes me believe some shit must have hit the fan as she never calls out. Her brother has stage 4 cancer and her mom is also just recovering from cancer. It's such a fucked up situation on top of what she's already going through. She has had a rough life. She had another brother who jumped off a bridge and killed himself..heart breaking stuff. Kay comes back tomorrow and I'm glad though she doesn't have shit easy right now either as her son, the military vet, is going through some serious shit..not good. It's hard when everyone is going through something to find with whom to vent shit. The crazy therapist called me back finally..seeing her next week..thank God. So that's it in a nut shell.

Tess is still not 100%...puked Sunday, ate Monday and Tuesday and puked today.

RE visit

Just a short note:
Today I went to see the RE in the morning as I got my period on Saturday as I mentioned and I should have gone in day 1 but they weren't open and this weekend was the holiday..blah blah blah... She is so super nice. When she saw me she said she'd been thinking about me all last month and had given my situation with the blocked fallopian some thought and wanted to change what I was doing. I was shocked really. She said that clomid is good but follisitim would be more effective and wanted me to start injecting tonight. She gave me a sample (can you imagine..I heard this stuff cost a fortune) as I had to leave for work and couldn't stop by a pharmacy to pick it up. I'm taking 300 units? or whatever each night and go back to the office on Friday. Getting excited. Hoping I don't develop drastic mood swings or emotional melt downs with these shots. Here goes nothing...

Excitement

Tomorrow I go back to the RE as my period came on Saturday. Hoping this doesn't screw it up that I got it on a long weekend so it's not "day one" when I go in. I'm not going to lie...I'm scared of getting pregnant. It's scary doing it alone no matter how prepared you think you are, how ballsy you feel you are, how against the grain you've lived the rest of your life, having a baby alone, or planning to have one is scary. The first month I tried I was so pysched and I'm trying to conjure about that feeling of enthusiasm and excitement but I think things were slightly different then. My family didn't know, I had a good therapist, my friend Ollie was on board, all minor but major things. So I'm scared. This isn't a good week to gauge anything, I keep telling myself, as I have my period which makes me feel vulnverable and emotional, the boss comes back which leaves me feeling angry and somewhat hopeless, and my best friend is out of state.. Also, today is a Monday but really like a Sunday..the worst day of the week for me as it's back to work I go. Well, I know this: I'm lucky to have a job, this feeling will pass, and last but of most importance, I know that if I don't have a child I will regret it for the rest of my life..so onward we go perhaps not excited but hopeful. I think what's really killing me, what's really been renting space in my head for free is the loss of that "ideal family" which in my heart I know doesn't exist but sometimes I just wish I'd had the opportunity to experience this for myself..but time is running out and alone I must go or I won't get to go at all. That's life and I can't get everything I've ever wanted..most people can't and don't no matter how it looks from across the fence..I have to believe this or I'd be yelling "it's not fair". Realistically, I know I've been blessed in my life..I see the people starving in Africa and have met hungry people right here in the U.S. and I know that there but for the Grace of God goes me..so I have been blessed and continue to be blessed. Have to not feel sorry for myself which I think sometimes I find hard. Ah well, all life lessons and character defects to overcome. Tomorrow I go to the RE, then work, then to the Canadians.. and as usual..the beat goes on.

Hormonal Babbling

So, I got my period this morning which I was expecting. Glad it comes every month, cramps and all as it means there is hope. Along with it comes the PMS that for whatever reason seems to be lasting through the first day of this cycle. I just feel shitty..lonely..alone really and I am though I'm supposed to be leaving for a picnic at my Godmom's..I don't want to go. Isn't that silly? I feel alone but don't want to go to a picnic to be with people? But I'm sure you know what I mean..that's not the company I want..looking for a more intimate type of companionship right now..Not sexual, just a friend really. My friends are all emotionally fucked right now. Did I tell you Ollie broke up with his partner? No. Well he did. He's moving back to Florida which I think is better for him anyway as that's where his family is. I'm not sure if I wrote about that here.. a big disappointment really as the plan was for him to move here to N.Y. and help when the kid(s)came (his idea not mine) but alas it's not to be and really he needs to be with his family where he has the most support. He has a house there too so he'll be okay. He had cancer a few years back too but his kicked his ass back and forth and left and right..that shit wasn't playing with him...he got a good ass whooping from that mean ol' cancer..everyone usually does but his was unusually brutal. He's also positive.....don't think I mentioned that.. so his immune system is beyond compromised..yeah, he needs to be with his family. But as usual I digress, so he's in his shit right now and I try to be there, Diana is dealing with the 2 boys alone while the hubby is in jail situation (which still sounds so beyond unbelievable it's not even funny..jail??? come'on), and Kay is dealing with the legal repercussions of her son the pothead and her other son who is a veteran and dealing with PTSD, and on top of that last night she learned he is drinking heavily and told her he thinks he has a problem...right before she's heading off for visit with her parents one of whom has alzheimers...love them all but needless to say, I can't go to them with my trivial shit while their fighting for their own sanity. So I came here. Truth be told I'd use this more but as I've mentioned my hands can't take the typing but I do what I can. Anyhow, off to the picnic..alone!! to be with people I don't want to be with except for my Godmom who I love. Gotta bring those creamers!

Sanity

Sometimes, no,... most of the time, I think there is no such thing as sanity.I'm sitting here at 2 a.m. upset over something that I'd like to mention but don't for fear that I'll look crazy, not only to those reading here, but to those writing here; myself that is. So as I sit in my shit feeling miserable over another imaginary Asshole and PFace situation, thinking should I write or should I go, I come across a post from another blogger talking about the turmoils of their sanity and think to myself, Shit! we are all soooooo putting up a front. It's the shit that people don't say but want to say, that's their true self but I think,most of us hold back for fear of looking crazy, angry, stupid, et cetera. So I say, Gem, you're a little crazy but not by much my friend, and at least you know it. So I'll dare to talk a little bit about Asshole and PFace, two characters I've mentioned in a post in the past. Asshole broke my heart even though we had nothing together he broke my friggin heart and PFace, well, she was just there, an accessory to the crime so to speak. Anyhow, I found out tonight that they bought a house. A real pretty house and I'll put it out there not only for you but mostly for me,.. I'm jealous. Now..that's a hard one for me as I'm not a materialist person and jealousy is not something that I usually feel. I had to think about this really. I guess the jealousy comes from not having what I expressed in the first post I wrote here ever some time ago; the white pickett fence, the 2.5 kids, cars, dog, the husband...the whole shit and caboodle. I'm jealous, and trust me, I recognize that most of the time, the grass is always greener until you walk on that shit and realize that it's all a fucked up illusion, a facade, but still..... I'd like to live there for a minute...in that world that looks so pink..a world I've rarely visited but have seen countless times from afar. It makes me sad you know? I don't know...don't know if I'll ever be over that loss. When I first thought about starting a family, I bought a book on single motherhood and the author expressed the need to grieve over the loss of that picture book family. For me, that is so true, so real, so my life. This experience has proven to be a bitter sweet one for me as though it's a journey towards a dream, this isn't exactly how the dream should go you know? It scares me being a single mother in that I am in essence alone in this. Scares me.I look at people sometimes who have everything, pickett fence and all, and I think, why not me God? Why didn't I get a chance at that? I know for me there may be other plans He has in store, but it hurts a little. Makes me feel not good enough sometimes for love..from a man that is; though in truth, I'm scared as hell of them and what they can do to me..pain-wise that is..physically, emotionally, et cetera. But still,I'd like some romance in my life..maybe I couldn't do the living together or marriage thing but I could do the love thing..... Men... They have so fucked me up. And women too. It's all been so much at times though I don't usually dwell on that..it slips in sometimes..my little demons mostly from childhood/adolescents.

Forward

So I'm not sure if I mentioned I bought four more vials of man puke. Today I see the telltale signs of my period coming on along which means I go in Tuesday for that pelvic penis procedure. They're closed Monday for the holiday, I checked. Anyhow, for whatever reason, self protection, or what have you, I'm not as excited as I was the first month around. I keep thinking getting pregnant seems so far fetched. I felt my ovaries give a lunge yesterday when the cutest little boy came in with his mom. She let me carry him and he was delicious. Little caramel colored boy with a big ol' fro smelled like cocoa butter..so cuddly..yeah my ovaries lurched, lunged, and twitched. So I'm trying to just stay positive. I did something else, aside from buying that maternity shirt a few months back, I bought a baby carrier on ebay. It's one of those carriers you wear on the front..got a good deal in my size and I just decided to indulge myself at the cost of $16 I thought it was worth the little treat..even if I never get to wear it..who cares. I keep praying for God's help...for a healthy baby with a p.s. of healthy girl please..lol..I'd love a boy too but..

Anyhow, I called the first therapist I went to see to ask for asecond session and she has yet to call me back. Hmmm...sign that maybe this chick isn't the one. Two days is more than the average for a therapist..they usually call you back the same day..gonna try and check another one out next week. See, this is the shit I hate about trying to find one...half of them are nut jobs themselves..Ugh!! but I need the support or would like the support..especially going through this thing. I guess we'll see what happens.

I'm going to a barbecue/picnic at my Godmom's tomorrow night..I love her to pieces as I mentioned before..she's just so good to me. I asked her if she wanted me to bring anything and she told me to bring coffee creamers..I knew she would ask me to bring them..lol.. She says with her heavy Bronx accent, "Well, I guess you could bring some of those creamers like last time..". I picked them up tonight on my way home from my mom's and will bring something else..alcoholic from my cabinet..most likely as I have tons of booze her that I've gotten as gifts..no way I'd ever get to all of it and she likes to have her cocktails. So that's my plan for this weekend...that and I was hoping to head back to WW (weight watchers) sometime too. I need to move on this shit and stop procrastinating. The goal now is to eat healthy rather than lose. I don't want probs for my baby because I'm a junk food addict who can't control herself....Anyway, I babble..

Not looking forward to the period penis pap but alas it's the price we pay for babies made solo.