Someday(s) are harder than others...

It's been a while and in truth I wasn't sure I'd come back but alas here I am with my heart full of emotions just spilling out of me. Right now really I'm just feeling tired; tired and depressed if truth be told. They say the fastest way to clear out a room is to put someone who's depressed in it. Alas, I really don't have to worry about that as few people come here but me and the crazies that lie within me.

Anyhow, where to begin. Really so many things have happened and by the same token nothing. There was an investigation at D's program after D reported that my mom hit them...it was not good. The police were called and I thought I was going to have a stroke. The police refused to investigate... This was so troubling for me on so many levels. First off I felt like I was torn between two lovers; I thought at this point my mother should know better but was caught up in feeling bad for her as she was freaked. The program suggested I press charges...Oh okay...right. D wasn't hurt except for the emotional aspect of it all and I pointed out to the program that this is about the 5th year that goes by without a residential placement for D that I've been requesting as my mother isn't able to properly care for D...hello people. Anyway, long story short, exhausting, almost had a heart attack complete with taking an anti anxiety pill for my heart palpitations and of course nothing came of it and in truth...THANK GOD!!! Nothing like an arrest for a mother who is not only a snob but also suffering from dementia....I would say more about it and try and take side but the truth is...for what? I'm clinging, clinging, to my sanity and reason so I can't take on any more.

My father is in the hospital again....not good. We've also been having problems with both my mother and father's business so I spent most of this morning with my mother in court. Now, if I was ever suicidal I'd spend the whole day with her and I'd surely die of frustration...she is beyond difficult. My plan had been to go to court and go to work afterwards but I found myself unraveling as I drove my mother home so instead I called out, bought myself something to eat, and came home. I then went to the hospital for a little while and then picked up my sib from the bus stop.

I decided to write, or more accurately, what propelled me to write, was my obsession with P face and Asshole which hasn't surfaced in a while but tonight while doing a google search I found out they had a little girl. You want to kill me Universe?! It just wrenched a hole in my heart. I guess a part of me feels that is the life I wish I was living and he's the one that got away and it's my fault because I didn't have the courage or so it seems to make it happen. That's the crazy me talking. The realistic me realizes that it would have never worked as I would have had to be the man and take the reins and that's just not my style and furthermore the dude was immature and in the end we would have been two fatties eating our way through life. His wife seems much more motivated to do shit, make shit happen, and take the bull by the horns...she's also much younger than myself...good for you Asshole (ha...)..! Oh well. That's the healthy me...not really that healthy but better than nothing. The bottom line is I realize perhaps a little late in the game that I want love, I want a man in my life....maybe not a husband but something like it....a support where I have his back and he's got mine and we're a fucking team who kicks ass together and gets through shit together and maybe it's all just a fairy tale we're sold and the actual relationship might be harder than I imagine but I want to have love in my life and that's that.

Speaking of healthy vs. unhealthy me, last week I went to go see the shrink lady and we had a serious talk about why I thought I was nuts. She said to me (again as I seem to be hard to convince), Gem, you are not crazy. Your family is crazy, the shit you  go through is ridiculously difficult and overwhelming and anybody would feel crazy having to take care of all of that. I felt better leaving. Still not 100% convince but I don't think I ever will be. You know, when the whole hitting thing happened with D it kind of shocked me but it didn't. I was hit growing up and really most of my friends were. Truth be told I'm not against corporal punishment but there is a time and a place and I don't believe in hitting when you are out of control. A spanking yes, absolutely, hot wild going crazy no wire hangers shit...no. I've had the no wire hangers shit many times...all of my siblings except for D have...shit happens and believe me that didn't stay with me as much as some of the emotional shit that haunts me til this day. It's funny that my mother was the big hitter though it's my father who caused the most emotional scars and he prided himself on never hitting the kids....my father really did a trip on me and it'll never be resolved. I told this to the shrink lady how this will never be resolved between us; not because he can no longer carry a conversation but because we never had a relationship where we could talk...neither one of my parents did with any of us though I'm sure that's the case for a lot of people. Kay at work talk to her mom every day...and used to speak to her dad every day too until his dementia got too bad. They have what she calls an awesome relationship and I hope, if I ever have children, to have even half the relationship she has with her mother. The shrink lady and I spoke about this...about how I worried that I might not as I have no personal frame of reference of a tight relationship with a parent. I don't know if she was blowing smoke up my ass but she said the fact that it was a goal and something I was striving for would set me on the right path....made me feel better.

Anyhow, there is apparently no rest for the weary as I'm on call and just got a call from the local police...
Will try to document more often...if for no other reason than it's a rare day that I blog and don't feel better after. It really is more of a personal journal than a blog but oh well.....

This is your brain on drugs

I can't explain how crazy my brain feels while on all of these meds. I spoke to Kay tonight who said it was the same thing last time...I honestly don't remember. Feels so shitty. The silver lining to all this is the fact that this is the last time I have to be on all of these meds. Woot woot. Yes, I'm being sarcastic. The truth is I'd do this 50 more times if you told me it'd work. Well, maybe not 50 but a bunch more.

Went to the therapist today and she isn't leaving my insurance plan like the letter I received stated...she said it's some kind of error. Good session but we won't see each other again until March 5th. By then the shit will have hit the fan. I keep talking negatively hoping that I'm wrong...un-jinxing it so to speak. I know that shit doesn't work. That's how crazily desperate I've become. I'm now trying to un-jinx shit that's not jinxed. Lord...this is partly medication and partly my own insanity. Ugh...just want the relief. We talked about the "man" issue or lack thereof. She asked me if I ever thought of looking for one. No, never occurred to me. I explain I feel too shitty. I tell her straight up, I don't even feel like a woman at this weight. And that my friends is the truth. I feel like a wildebeest...or just a beast as I have no idea what a wildebeest is but it sounds so gross and exactly how I feel..gross. I tell her when this is all done I'm doing the lapband and getting myself in shape. I used to run, not sure if I ever mentioned that. On the treadmill mind you but it was running and I did it almost every friggin day. I'd run and do walking tapes and the Tony Little elliptical gadget...I was pretty fit. Now..not so much. I would like someone though..I would.


Tomorrow I go back to the clinic. I have to get up at 5 to make it there by 7 and make it to work on sort of time. It's the only way to miss the rush hour traffic as if the roads were clear I could make it from here to NYC in probably 40 minutes...in traffic it took almost 2 friggin hours. I'm tired. I'm just physically and emotionally tired.

My father called again tonight..."take me home". "You are home dad". "I want to get out of here. Come pick me up. If you love me you'll pick me up. These people here are liars". And on and on this shit goes. It was already 10 o'clock and I didn't want to go out again. I promised I'd go tomorrow and we'll talk about it all. Shit. The lady who works the morning shift had to leave the country unexpectedly as her brother was killed, poor thing...brutally killed at that. The tenant in the apartment above my dad's killed himself this past weekend...can you imagine? He stabbed himself. All this crazy shit going on and I just need the world to pause for a minute so I can take a fucking nap...it's all too much.

Anyhow, that's that. K, one of the girls I met at IVF class is going for her retrieval in the morning. She's the oldest of us all at 43 but I bet it works for her. I think the one's with the least chance are me and R. Me because of my weight and R because her eggs blow. And I'm going to say that thing you're not supposed to say because it's what I feel and as selfish as it sounds..it's how I feel...selfish....Here goes and if you think less of me..I'm sorry..I hope I'm not the only one who ends up childless. I hope it's either we all have a baby or only some of us have a baby but not just me left behind. Fucked up and selfish but there it is...and I know I'd feel that way sans meds on the brain. Frick.

The Pressure

So I get a call Thursday after running around like a fiend...like a fiend I tell you. I had to get to the clinic by 7a.m. as I had an all day conference that I could not reschedule at 9...ugh. I get there...they can't find my chart..my fault as I didn't call the day before, can't find a vein because my scar tissue from cancer has made it so the phlebotomist jokes, "you have no blood"..I wish I say then maybe I could rest..ha ha. Then, I can't open the bathroom door in the exam room which makes it so I can't remove my friggin tampon (girl problems..ugh), doctor leaves and comes back late late later...I run run run back to the work site..make it just in time. Pick up Tess during lunch and drop her off at my mom's as she's been alone way too long...run back to work site. We get out early...I'm delirious with lack of sleep as of course the insomnia kicked into the 3 hours I had allotted myself so I run back home sleep for half hour then run to pick up D for D's doctor appointment...D is hearing voices terribly..poor thing..love D....We drive home happy with the doctor pick up stuff for my dad. I get to my mom's to drop D off...where is my phone? Oh no..lost it..don't care for a minute except older sib calls on mom's line that she needs to be picked up. D's doctor calls, she'll be there for another hour and guess what she found? Phone.  I take Tess to my dad's to drop off the food for him...stay with him for 1/2 hour..he's not good..I explain I can't stay as I lost my phone have to pick it up and pick sib up..Dad's unhappy...slumped in his wheelchair a sight nobody ever wants to see...worst nightmare sight you ever want to have of your parents. I go pick up phone, go home make myself a grilled cheese. In the middle of this chaos the clinic calls...my sperm is not there and they can't proceed until I have sperm there.. I'll order it today I promis..yeah, when the frick will I have the time..and who exactly am I picking. Run pick up the sib, get home after 10 conk out on the couch and awaken at 1:30a.m. to realize I took none of my fertility drugs....take them half delirious. Ever try to measure out needles of shit half asleep?...meds I'd never taken before?...yikes.

Which brings me to today. I had work yesterday in the middle of this fricking storm. I go and tell the boss I'm leaving at 12...really because I have to pick out a sperm donor. I'm still delirously tired...spend the afternoon picking out sperm so frustrating as everyone seems to be CMV positive which is a big no no, and hours later, got it down to 3. So sucks as there is nobody I really love but c'est la vie. I call Kay give her the 3 for her opinion...she's leaning towards where I'm leaning, but tells me if you don't have to order til tomorrow see if you see anything in the a.m. and then order. Okay. Today I look...anxious as all shit..make my decision and go to order. My authorization from my doctor has expired. What?!!! I call the clinic and get this mother friggin ghetto chick on the phone who is doing one of those, I'm talking to you but also to my friend at the same time...fuck...fuck...she's not even a teeny bit professional...I have to repeat everything 50 times. I say is this an answering service, "Well hello, of course. You think someobody is gonna pick up on a Saturday? Ha. This is how it is sweetie........." and on and on it goes. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. She says she'll tell one of "the girls" and see if someone gets back to me. Okay, okay you mother fucking uneducated ghetto bitch who is talking to me like I'm a piece of shit when I'm totally freaking out...okay ghetto ass. But I say none of this..not that crazy. I say, thank you so much. And here I wait for the phone call so I can try and order sperm.

I have to resign myself to these facts. If I can't order sperm on time I have to do all this shit all over again. I feel like I don't care. I don't care because I can't take the pressure anymore. I have to start again? Okay fine. I'll start again. I can't fucking give a shit and lose my mind over all of this. I just can't. I'll see if they call and if I can order today..great...if I can't..I'll try for Monday...if I can't, I say FUCK IT AMERICA! I can't take the pressure so I say FUCK IT...thank you so much.

Back to the plan

Today I went back to the IVF clinic. Kay went with me at my request because I still wasn't comfortable with the commute into NYC...and the GPS goes crazy with all the bridges and tunnels..plus I wanted the company. Kay is my angel..I swear it. Anyhow..had blood drawn. Spoke to 2 people regarding the no period..they didn't seem that concerned. And last but definitely not least..attended the IVF class even though I'd already gone to one at the old clinic they made me do it again. I met 3 ladies there. One, the youngest who I instantly didn't like was 35 but she ended up being okay. I'm giving her all my old meds as she's paying for them out of pocket which is ridiculous. The second chick is 42 though initially said she was 41..I knew she had lied as I had looked at her DOB written on her folder...she is also using donor sperm. The third, and the one I know the least is also I believe in her 40's and has never tried anything. I emailed them all to just follow up and invited them to keep in touch. Going through the class brought back all of the old feelings of dealing with all the injections and the stress of all that crap but at least it distracted me from the stress of work.

Speaking of.. I asked Kay today if she though I was getting fired. I feel like I'm being set up..I really do. There is nowhere to turn though. My boss' boss is the County Exec who is planning to exit soon and really, who goes to the country exec to bitch. There's nowhere to go. The union can't help me. I don't know. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to just go with the flow and try not to obsess but the stress is ridiculously intense. I'm thinking of applying to a job, also with the government that is posted. It's about 40,000 less a year but it's not nothing.. Gonna look at it again tomorrow when I get to work and see if I qualify for the exam (all the jobs are by examination..civil service..), and go from there. I don't want a cut in pay but at this point the stress is ridiculous. I figure if it comes down to it I'll figure shit out.

I never called the guy back. Did I mention the guy? Not sure if I did or not but never called him. My feeling is if he wanted to reach me he would have called me in the evening when he knew I'd be home instead of just leaving messages during the work day...what the fuck is that? Anyhow, I chickened out because I'm now chickenish. My therapist said I'm stronger than I think but I think she's got it wrong. I think I'm weaker than she thinks...not weaker but more emotionally vulnerable. I feel at times I'm at the precipice of insanity.

Anyhow..I go off as usual. So I'm back on track for babyville. Hoping and praying which is all I can do. The rest is out of my hands.

Stolen Groove

I was on such a high on Monday and just feeling so serene on Tuesday, not even the bitches could steal my groove or so I thought. I went into work yesterday to find half my staff gone. Couldn't find a one from a particular section I supervise except for Kay. Go over to the administrative side of the building and there they are crowded into my bosses office to bitch about me. I'm cool, still handling it..no sweat. I speak to my boss afterwards who says there's nothing to talk about; that all their shit is petty shit. Okay but it's hurtful. One of the women in there is a "friend"...we've shared shit. I've given her a ride home before, counseled her through a divorce and the mental breakdown of her son. As a matter of fact, Tuesday she told me the whole story of what is going on with him at this point emphasizing how she can't share it with the others who don't get it. She was in there too. This woman is 20 years my senior. In fact, all these people are older than me. It hurt. The leader of the pack is the chick Patty, who went off on me at the end of November, had gone off again Tuesday night and managed to rile all these people up. My boss said, 2 of the staff admitted having no gripes with me and another had nothing in several years...they were all there to support Patty. It hurt. She continues with her abusive, mean spirited, insubordinate shit and nothing is done. I told my boss this but I may as well have spoken to myself and nothing continues to be done. Today after I had corrected an investigation she leaves me a printout of when to use a semi colon...this because I questioned her use of one. She constantly uses them incorrectly but it was just another snub from her. I went to speak to her and she proceeds to tell me she can't talk right now, cuts me off...same ol' shit. I called her nasty, abusive, and fresh as she stormed away from me. I wanted to deck her one and I know shit comes around but sometimes you wonder why it doesn't come immediately. The truth is, she is a very angry unhappy person because of her son. We've shared a lot about it because of D and the similarities in their outburst and issues as children. The biggest difference is that she's embarrassed by her child and my family would carry D on our shoulders tooting a trumpet we love D that much. Fucked up really. Well I lost my cool with her and cried hysterically in my office. I just can't take the abusive behavior anymore, the snubs, the bullshit when I have tried to be so supportive of not only her but all of my staff. It hurts really...so I let her steal my groove. So not the me I used to be. I'm more vulnerable now, not as tough... but it's just been too much. Life has kicked my ass and though I've tried to roll with the punches I'm scarred..I'm scarred and there's no amount of therapy can take it all away.

Kay said, Gem, you can't let them upset you. Not when you're going to try again. But it's easier said than done and I'm feeling particularly vulnerable especially with the situation with my dad. This new clinic requires a psych eval if you're using donor anything and I have mine scheduled for the end of January. Dude will probably think I'm out of my effin mind but if all this shit was going on in your life you'd be crazed too. Running my dad's business is also getting a little overwhelming and as crazy as she is, I'm thankful as hell for my mother who has been a great help. She ran the business for years and even with her dementia, half the shit is like breathing for her..she remembers and has tons of valuable connections, ideas, et cetera. Thank God. I do what I can and I'm getting good at negotiating deals but picture trying to do all that shit, learn all that shit, after you've worked a full day, and try to juggle visits to the nursing home and your own life, and bring a dog with you because you feel guilty that she's home all day alone...so she's been in people's businesses that aren't happy about it, nursing homes etc. Funny story with Tess; I take her to the nursing home, she starts barking at a nurse who runs by, my dad is all fucked up in the bed and his roommate is fast asleep. Tess' bark is high pitched so my dad's roommate yells out, "it's okay Herbie, daddy's home, Daddy's home..it's okay Herbie". All in his sleep. Funny. I guess you had to be there.

Anyhow, that's it. That's my life right now...Riding the highs and the lows and just trying to maintain.

She says it's not my weight!!

So I went to the appointment today. Took 2, count them 2 hours to get there. She was thorough as all hell and I was nervous as all hell. Cried all the way to Kay's house to pick her up as she made the trip with me..what a friend. So the doctor asks me what brings me there, asks me what I think went wrong. I tell her they told me it's most likely a chromosomal abnormality or it could be my weight. She says, "It's not your weight". She then says, Whyyyy didn't you come here first?! I wish you would have. She says it's my age and my uterus but later, after looking at my uterus..fun fun...she says it's fine.  Tells me that I could try IVF again, that it wouldn't be crazy. That if she were to do it the one thing she would have done differently is she would have let the eggs mature a little more before taking them out. Can I tell you...the whole time I was doing IVF I was wondering why she didn't leave them in for longer?! but I never trust myself, don't want to appear like a know it all, scared to ruffle feathers or ask stupid questions, and I hate that but that's life. She says, if you're producing 20something eggs, and only 5 are mature, what a waste of all those other eggs! She says to find out if the remaining balance on my insurance $11,000 can be completely applied to donor eggs and if not to try the IVF once more...if it can then just go with donor as the stats are better... I tell her I'll do a round of donor out of pocket. So it looks like it's another round of IVF. I don't think it'll work but I've gotta give it a shot...one last shot with my own eggs. Right before I began writing this post, I logged onto my facebook and saw that another one of my friends, my age and always sickly, just had a baby. All I can do is pray.

After the doctor's appointment Kay and I went and got something to eat, I ran home with a ridiculously upset stomach and a little tipsy from 1/2 a glass of wine, fell asleep or more like a coma on the couch and then went to my dad's apartment to begin packing up the shit. I had told my younger sib to meet me and we could just do an hour's worth so they agreed. We emptied his fridge, cleared everything off the wall, all his meds and bathroom shit, Pretty good so far. We also discovered that my cousin who is 19 and was shipped here to stay with relatives from whatever country he's from has been breaking into my dad's with a credit card, this after we changed the locks suspecting he had been breaking in, and has been having friends over. We left him a note along with all his shit we found hidden in a closet for him to hightail it. My dad tried to help him when he first came and let him live with him but had to kick him out, as did the other relative he was sent here to stay with..I still feel bad as it's winter and freezing but we can't have someone using drugs living there.

So after that I ran to the supermarket as we're having a breakfast at work tomorrow in lieu of a gift exchange and bought all kinds of shit...shitty shit. Usually I bake or order a beautiful platter of fruit that costs an arm and a leg but my heart's not in it. I'm pissed at those people or some of them and honestly, who has time for that and I'm stressed. So I bought two packs of $3 cinnamon buns, a box of cookies, one of donuts, all store baked (wow, impressive), 3 orange juice containers, and I'll pick up some bagels tomorrow. Sounds like a lot but really I spent about $20 at the supermarket and have a coupon for bagels and cream cheese combo for $12.99 so..... I usually buy each staff a gift and bake them a little something. Fuck it is what I'm saying this year....fuck it and I'm tired. I didn't even decorate my house...no tree no nothing. My plan is to buy 2 poinsettias tomorrow and put one in the dining and one in the living and merry friggin Christmas folks.

So that's it. I started the day crying on my way to the doctor and ended it crying seeing my dad's apartment empty but I smiled all day in between as in general it's been good...chick gave me hope. So the beat goes on and I'm hopeful again. Not deliriously, naively hopeful but thinking..hmm...maybe. Maybe it can happen.

The other half...of the pill that is

The other half of that old Valium finally went down the hatch tonight. That my brain doesn't literally explode surprises the shit out of me. Yesterday...late yesterday...I go over to my mom's and meet my sib who said they were taking D to Target to do some shopping..would I like to come along. Um..I've done like shit worth of Christmas shopping so uh, yeah! I get there, my sibs on the horn with the other sib...we've got nobody to watch my dad today, Teresa called out. When did she call out I ask? Last week. What? What!? and we're trying to figure this shit out the night before? Older sib gets a puss on when I suggest we take turns...arguing with other sib...I say, Hang up and call the day chick. The day chick so far, Rocks...kind, considerate, and will do anything no qualms. Sib is like, she can't do another day. I say just call her ass and see if she knows someone. I get my cell and call myself. She says she's calling a friend, what's the rate for the day, how long and she'll let me know in a few. Calls me back in half hour and it's covered. The anxiety that erupted in my chest over the shit...not so fast to go away.

Today I'm freaked as nobody seems to have any fire under their ass about moving my dad's shit, packing up, nothing. I speak to both sibs who say, "you think we need to start". WTF fellas really? I won't get into it..it's just stupid and long. We haven't packed shit. Younger sib says they'll meet me there tomorrow to pack. Neither know what I'm up to tomorrow so I tell them I'll call after "work".

Kay calls me tonight and I vomit my problems to her over the phone. I explain I cancelled my therapy session as I don't want to share tomorrow with anybody whether it's good or bad except for Kay of course who if I was a lesbian I would marry as she's just too good to me. Anyhow, she says, Gem, take the other half of that Valium, get some sleep tonight and try not to think about it. I decide to go ahead and take it and the anxiety has subsided. I'll sleep in a bit but wanted to just share this whatever this is, here, where I can say what I need.

I wonder at times when I'll find some peace...to have a baby I imagine you need some peace for that egg to want to hold onto. I don't remember a time where I had that. Always chaos in my life. Hoping for the best tomorrow but trying to prepare myself for the worst. Time will tell.

Blessed (hate this word but..)

I hate the word blessed. I feel like it's overused and for whatever reason I just don't like it. I don't hate the meaning behind it and I wish there was another word for it but there really isn't.


Anyhow, how I ended up choosing the fertility clinic where I was going was because Kay had a friend, also working for the government, who is a lesbian and had children using donor sperm with this clinic. Her name is Stacy who has a wife Eve. They have 2 children a boy and a girl who are beautiful and she had them with minimal problems. So when I started on this journey, Kay called up Stacy and asked her for the info and she set me up with all of it, the sperm bank, the clinic, the whole enchilada...grateful grateful blessed.. We (Kay and me) bump into her today on our way to the parking lot going on our lunch breaks and she asks me what's up with the fertility. I explain I have an appointment in December at a new place and blah blah blah... donor eggs..blah blah... She says, you know, I have an embryo still at the clinic...she pauses and thinks...says it'd be weird for me to have a full sibling of her kids and then says...you know, if I'm not mistaken I have several eggs stored away if you want them... I say Stace...maybe you better think about this and get back to me...I mean we're outside in the parking lot while you're sitting in your hot van...she says, no, I'm fine with it, I can't do the embryo as that's too weird but the eggs would be fine..no different than using donor sperm, though I'm not sure if they're still there she says...I ask her if she'd check...Yeah, yeah...I will. Just like that. Can you imagine? That's the second offer someone gives me of their eggs. That's 2 egg donor people who in truth  don't even know me that well at all....how blessed am I? It's more than luck so it's blessed...even if I can't stand the word.

I don't know Stacy that well...at all really other than what I mentioned up above and that she hates one of the girls who I supervise who is also a lesbian...had a relationship with Eve at one point I believe...anyhow, I wanted to talk to Kay about it but as usual when I got back to the office after the break it was all balls to the wall with back to back work. Kay mentioned on our way out the door how we hadn't had a chance to talk about it, and I said I'd wanted to talk to her about it too. Kay is like the equivalent to my husband/partner at this point as she's been there for me like you wouldn't believe... a friend like no other really...couldn't get a better friend.

My thoughts are this...and yes a little negative but real..always keeping it real so I don't really hurt myself...I'll definitely take the eggs if they still exist...it'll be a bit weird as Stacy is Jewish and looks absolutely nothing like me but I know this about her; she's good people...kind and level headed...I also know that frozen eggs don't usually result in a pregnancy...but it's a shot.

As much as pregnancy hasn't happened for me I can't help but think that one of the following is true; Either, A) God is giving me all these blessings because He really wants me to have a child or B) He's giving me all these chances to show me that no matter what, it's just not in the cards for me. I'm of course hoping it's A. I suppose time will tell.

Right now my next goal is trying to get myself healthy...just vitamin level wise as all my levels are whacked and also I found a lump that I have to have checked....it's been there for several months and my doctor found it too...so mammogram it is. I really hope it's nothing. If it's the big C again I can't continue with fertility. It wouldn't be fair to a child as it would then seem to me that my chances of living long would not be good...how many times can you get C and win? I don't know. If there were a baby daddy perhaps I'd feel differently but there isn't so..

So that's that. Life never ceases to amaze me and people never cease to amaze me though I think if I had some eggs stored away and my babies were made already I could probably give them as a gift. I didn't think I could a little bit ago but now, I think so...I really do. I'm grateful today. Grateful and in awe...Just when I think people are shit...someone comes along and screams Not all of us! and ain't that the truth.

Enough for now and for tomorrow too..

This morning I looked up directions to he clinic in NY. According to mapquest, it'll take me about 49 minutes to get there from Kay's house. When I look at this clinic or look up any of the information for that matter, I get an instant headache, and instant feeling of anxiety, a shaking throughout my body...just an overall feeling of dread at starting this process again. Of being introduced to new doctors that may or may not be assholes. Of working with a new clinic that may or may not want to or be able to help me. Of just facing the music of infertility and fertility treatments again...the hustle of it all, the 'your life is going at a thousand miles an hour yet standing still' of it all. The headache encompasses my throat if that's at all possible...just a totally emotionally and physical response to the thought of going there...but I'm going. I'm going and I'm probably willing to go for broke...literally. Just wish the internal shaking would stop. I gotta build up my courage...just build up that shit that propels you to move obstacles...the thing that came so much easier to me before "the incident" at work...the shit that shook me up so much I've never been the same but I have to move past that and find the old Gem. The I can kick anybody's ass including my own, Gem. It's how I got through everything, through childhood, through school, through cancer, through that and all of the rest though I haven't been able to call it up in a long time. I have to move forward regardless of this shaking fear that brings me to tears and the feeling of being weak..weaker than I used to be though stronger than I was. Shit, that doesn't really make any sense except to me really. Okay, enough of the babble. I'm shutting down the rest of the thoughts for today as I got the directions in front of me, sent the letter to the old clinic for my records, and took inventory of the meds left in my fridge (5 boxes of menopur and 3 boxes of follistim)..not as much as I thought but still enough to help someone else.

Tiny Steps forward

Today was the day I was going to call the new clinic. Actually, I was going to call their satellite office in Westchester in order to avoid city traffic but after I looked closely at the NYU clinic's site, they mentioned they were now in cahoots or what have you, with Westchester and Ct. which led me to believe that the stats weren't reflective of the Westchester clinic so I'm going to the NYC one which isn't too far..it's just a bitch to commute there in the a.m. Anyhow, as I read about the consult they explained you would need your records so I bucked up and called my clinic to request that they transfer my case to me, and they explained I needed to write a letter so it's sitting in the visor of my truck and ready to be dropped off later tonight when I go pick up the sib from the bus stop. I also asked if I could donate my meds to them and they said yes, that they use it for people with no insurance which is good as I probably have a few thousand bucks worth of meds in the fridge. Apparently, and this is one of the things I am so grateful for, my insurance allows unlimited meds....can you imagine? Last time the total on my meds came to over $10K...for one cycle!...the clinic said I have the 'Mercedes Benz of insurance'...don't I know it and it is one of many reasons I don't leave a difficult job..I'm being polite by saying difficult here.... Anyhow, I also found out this week that I do get unlimited IUI's covered by my insurance so if I tried that again (and yes I've been playing with that idea) I only have to cover the sperm which is expensive. In my fantasy, the doctor does two IUI's before proceeding to egg donor and it miraculously works. It would seem like a simple decision to try the IUI but I hesitate because of the expense of the sperm and I can't help but think, "am I just humoring myself here or is there really a chance it can work"? Who the fuck knows. I guess I won't know until I speak to the doctor and I'm not even sure they'll take me as a patient. My understanding of a lot of clinics is if they think it's too far fetched a chance they don't want their stats to drop so they don't even take you. Well, I can't waste my time worrying about this shit.

What motivated me to get moving was actually my friend Z.  She and Diana came over the other night and Z, who is never really an advice giver, said to me, Gem, forget all the extra stuff and just call...don't think about anything. She is right. You can entertain yourself and really just make excuses for reasons you can't move forward...you can sit in your shit all day long, feel like you're not ready, but the truth is you gotta move past that and just act. I know this from my past really but sometimes you just need a real caring friend to remind you and just shove you forward. Z is the friend who said she'd be my surrogate if I needed it...that's Z, generous, loving, and kind like no other...really kind...not nice, kind.

So that's where we're at. I'm hoping, but doubt that, the clinic will send me my paperwork quick so I can get this show on the road. Kay said she'd go with me into New York as long as I drove as she can't drive in NY...why I don't know but alas, I don't give a shit, I'm just grateful she'd come with me. I don't know how I'd get from A to B without my friends. At this point that's what it's like, just travelling from one letter to the next...small steps towards the goal with a little help (or a lot) from my friends...thank God.

Nowhere to run

You ever have that feeling you wanted to just run out of your skin? Like it was just to tight and uncomfortable and you didn't know what to do with yourself? I had a cigarette...well, half a cig...and am on my second glass of wine...had 4, count them, 4, oreos....a Weight watchers ice cream bar and a lean cuisine...still in my skin, can't run from myself it seems. Even this, this outlet seems like it's not helping.

I went to an OA thing this morning and struggled to haul my ass out of bed at 8 a.m. on a Sunday. Usually, it wouldn't be such a biggie for me but I was tired from yesterday and just tired..I've been exhausted to the point of immobility. So I went and it ran from 9:30 until 1 but I stayed until 12...only because I became very uncomfortable. There was a speaker there who went contrary to what I know of OA saying that you really don't need a sponsor (not that I have one) and that you really don't need a food plan. That as long as you have a solid relationship with good normal eating will come and blah blah blah blah blah....listen, if I wanted religion I would have gone to church. I wasn't the only one having a hard time following this type of shit and get this...chick was heavy... Listen, at this point in my life, where I am today, I don't want to hear crazy talk. You're crazy, think you have magic powers...tell it to your shrink...I need to hang out with a crazy person like I need to gain 10 pounds...I'm already feeling nuts thank you...just leave me the fuck alone.  A guy there said what I felt and said... I don't come here for spirituality, I come here to lose weight and get healthy. What surprised me is the lady in front of me and the chick next to me both thought the chick had discovered the wheel...that is until everyone got a little crazy on the chick. Needless to say I hightailed it out of there but in retro I wish I had stayed. Why? Because the whole thing left a bad taste about OA in my mouth..no pun...and I wish I'd stayed long enough to have a different perspective. Oh well...that's my MO it seems...when the going gets uncomfortable, the uncomfortable get going.

Anyhow, that was it for the weekend. I am exhausted, still feel like shit, and on top of that misplaced my phone. I don't care though. Right now I feel like I don't care about anything. I just want to hide and sleep and cry and if it wasn't for Tess, and for D and for that little voice in my head propelling me forward, warning me that I can't let myself fall too deep into this funk, I'd give in to my urge and just sleep. Sleep, smoke, drink, and eat...that's what I'd like to do. But alas, tomorrow is a work day. Kay won't be in but that's okay as she's in a funk for no reason that I could see, and no reason she can see according to her but it's hard to be in a funk with someone else who is but can't locate why when I know exactly why I am and yet they keep comparing their situation to yours...

Enough. Letting the wine do too much talking. That's it for now. Looking forward to Wednesday (shrink) and really, I think I'm giving it too much weight really as she has no magic wand but I do hope she can help me. Just help me get my wits about me, get my bearings, and get my momentum to propel forward and stop crying.

A little of this and that

Today was one of those days that just wouldn't quit...it was like a mine field of shit at work..never ending and completely exhausting to get through. I think I fucked up at one point and am sure will hear about it on Monday but there were just too many people with too many issues and too many phone calls and too many crisis'. Just an ass kicker and it wasn't one of those days where you kick ass and take numbers..it was just more like holy shit this is kicking my ass and when is it gonna stop. I felt bad as I snapped at Kay at one point. I just didn't want to hear another whine or whimper from anybody and I just needed people to pull their shit together and haul ass and do it right, or at least give it your best shot. Oh well, c'est la vie..what the fuck can you do about it really? Came home and crashed and then went and picked up the sib and went to my mother's. Fine..I'm exhausted.

I don't think I mentioned here or maybe I did, that I haven't been feeling well and for reasons I'm not going to get into right now I am changing general practictioners and have an appointment with a new nurse practictioner on Wednesday. I know my levels are off or some such shit as I can barely make it through the work day, I'm that tired, and having mega issues with my hands and arms and can barely turn my neck..taking breaks as I type because that's where we're at. Been taking a nap each day after work and sleeping hard..it's just not good..am more exhausted than I've been in a long time in a way that's not normal. Gotta get it checked out.

Anyhow, I have more to say about the babymakingshit but right now I don't even want to think about it...just not in a place for it. I will say this as this is what's in the forefront; I don't want to see my RE. Why? Because she's probably very much along and I can't face that. I don't want to face it. Hopefully I won't have to; either they'll find an egg donor after she gives birth or I do it with the other little Canadian guy. I think if I see her I'll cry, not with jealousy I don't think just with the exasperation and frustration of it all.

Crazy: Part......Uhh..Crazy.period.

Feeling discombobulated today..just out of sorts really like I'm crawling out of my skin. Feels similar to when I was first sick with the big C when you feel your body is going to turn itself inside out...I called it "the irritables" at the time and every once in a while, if my meds aren't right...I get them. Today I have them and really, it's my own fault...I lost a bottle of pills and had been taking the wrong dose for 2 weeks and finally started back on the right dose this past week. Not good. But that's not what's making me feel crazy..

A few weeks back....maybe about a month ago or there abouts...I mailed back the questionnaire regarding the embryo selection...that in itself, wrapping my head around that, was hard....compounding that, I haven't heard anything. I go to the mailbox every day waiting for something and of course I get bupkis..nothing..nada.. I got a bill from them today which I was expecting as I have about $15K of checks sitting here on my dresser. I'm thinking tomorrow or Wednesday I'll take a ride out there during my lunch and drive them over...I'll just ask for a half hour extra as the place is a bit far, and I have to endorse them so don't feel comfortable just mailing them. Anyhow...it's driving me crazy, and I know this is irrational but you feel what you feel, ..I feel abandoned. I feel like they (the clinice) really don't care and in truth I know they care as much as you can when you have a million clients. I've been there before, having worked in human services most of my life...you care when they're in front of you and that's human and most of the time you forget who they are..that's normal when you have large volumes of clients..that's life..but it still stings more than a little and it's harder because I'm alone I think...maybe it's just as hard if you're in a relationship but it feels harder because I'm doing this alone with no family support and just support (great support btw) from my friends. So it's making me a little crazy, even making me doubt my doctor, my clinic, it's not good. I feel crazy. On top of that I was exhausted coming home from work and tried napping but Tess won't let me sleep deep, keeps pawing at me, so I was in twilight sleep, woke up in a fog with the irritables. Drank a glass and a bit of wine which helped a little but still feel just this inner feeling of crazy.

Work hasn't helped much as though I'd never admit this...I'm having lulls...lulls where there's either little to do or I don't want to do what there is, and then at other times, we're moving at the speed of light..it's like a bipolar work environment. Kay has also been driving me crazy though I love her to pieces..I just am impatient lately and today she was just too loud and I'm crabby and that does not mix. Tomorrow I have to go out on an assignment with her and I'm not thrilled by it. I just want to sit home really but when I'm here Tess is driving me crazy. It's not that she wants more than the average but she is a bit spoiled or maybe not, and wants attention and even after I give her some she wants more and when she doesn't..I'm feeling guilty that she laying there bored. I take Tess everywhere with me except for work, OA, and doctor's appointments...I even take her to weight watchers sometimes because I feel guilty leaving her at home. She actually threw a fit yesterday when I went into a store and left her in the car...mind you I left the car and a/c running while I ran in but she threw a hissy fit stomping her feet...not attractive...snorted and everything..love her though..but I digress..she's getting on my nerves. I don't know what I want really. Just want to feel at peace.

I don't call the clinic, though I know I should already, because I don't want to hear what's next in my life and that, my friends, is the truth. I don't want to get someone else's eggs, sync myself up with this person, inject myself again to no end, and finally I don't want another negative friggin pregnancy stick. What I do want is to turn my brain off for a few days, maybe even weeks or month, and just tap out of this; tap out of the feeling of craziness, the feeling that I'll never be a woman, never be a mother, never be satisfied with my life, my body, my career, my anything without a child. If you'd of told me this in my 20's, when I swore I'd never want any, I would have said you were crazy..but alas, who's crazy now? Me...feeling unravelled for too long...my life in a seemingly never ending limbo.

I'm thinking, sometime this week, I'll take a day off or half a day or something. Just stay home and chill out. Maybe tomorrow I'll leave early. Thursday I have to take D to the doctors so I'll be going taking a few hours off from work in the morning as I take D after work and don't want Tess home alone for that long. Guilt guilt guilt...I hear people leaving their dogs with no problem, and I never thought I'd be so whatever you want to call this but then again, I have never had a dog as a single person living alone and I just don't think it's fair so...guilt wins.

Anyhow, enough of my insane babbling...I'll contact the clinic in some fashion this week. Not looking forward to it..really dreading it actually. Oh well.

Nothing more than feelings...

I'm struggling again and I can't really blame it on PMS as my period was over 5 days ago. It's this sadness man that has settled and been sitting on my chest. The kind that makes it difficult to breathe, difficult to swallow really; it's just a lump there and it takes everything I have to make it through every minute of my day. I want to hide from life; hide from all the babies, the pregnant ladies, the everything and anything related to kids, to motherhood to fatherhood to any type of hood that I don't belong to. Just that quiet desperation again killing me.

 I go for my HSG test (again) for the 3rd time this Monday and I want to hurry up and just get it over with, get to the last chapter of the book I guess you could say; just want to know how this all ends. I'm scared too though, as there is a very big part of me that doesn't want to know...just doesn't want to know. It's going to kill me I feel. I tell Kay this, and I tell Diana this, and I tell Z and Mattie this but they don't seem to understand what I mean. I think this ending might kill me if not literally than emotionally. It's just too sad for me, too sad, too sad, too painful. And really how much can one person endure in one life?

Someone havnig a bad day wrote on facebook today (a site that is no longer the place I once loved to visit), how God never gives you more than you can endure and I think,.. I don't know about that. I once read, and I think it's a valid point, that if that were true there would be nobody in psych wards as aren't too many people in wards those that couldn't handle what they were given? I try not to think of the never having a baby thing as it's too scary and for me, it's one of those, "I don't think I can handle situations". I can go on but it would be a bitter person moving forward...I feel I'm turning into that already, into a bitter person, something I've always dreaded becoming and in fact, Diana and I, when we worked together used to talk about people who went around life with a frown; we called them "People who sucked on lemons"..we still call them this..childish but whateva. Shit, who knew. I am trying to keep the faith...trying trying trying to just trust in God, that he's got my back but there's a very big part of me that has some doubts...fucked up but there it is. I keep praying, keep hoping there is someone hearing me, hearing my desperate prayers.

My life is half over already, more than half probably, considering my history (ex-smoker, obese, with a history of cancer), and I wonder, could I get through the rest with just me? Could I get through the rest just for me, just for little ol' me? There is a woman at work, Jecca, that I've mentioned before. She's 56 or there abouts and getting ready to retire this year. She's been married twice...the first time for a short period and the second to someone about 20 some odd years older who died several years back...no children...she has one sister, also no children and that's it. She's spent some Thanksgivings at a shelter feeding the homeless for lack of somewhere to go on Thanksgiving...fucked up huh? Last year her sister arranged for her a place to go. She spends her nights drinking wine in her huge house and smoking cigarettes. I was tight with her at one time, even invited her to spend Thanksgiving with my family when she had nowhere but she's dicked me a few times and I no longer trust her...that's the one difference between her and I, I have tight friends and I don't dick them, thank God...but I digress... My point is, I don't want that life...that life with no real family of my own...nobody to really love....nobody to cook for, to take care of, to come home to even if it's only on holidays, nobody to make your house a home for. If you came to my home, you would see that it looks like a home. I always imagined that I would be bringing babies here, feeding children here and Diane especially always comments about how cute I've made the place and how warm and inviting it is. It's a very modest home but I've done what I can to make it comfy ( it was a dump when I bought it which is how I was able to afford it at the time). Anyhow, that's what I want. I want children to cook for, to love, to help with their homework, to tuck in, to wash their little clothes and take care of them...that's what I want. I want to be old and have them visit once in a while and have them ask me to bake cookies for them, or whatever becomes their favorite thing that I cook for them. The bottom line is, I want to be a mom. What do you do when that's what you want for your life and it doesn't happen? How do you keep putting one foot in front of the other? I don't know.

Quiet

There's been a quiet in my life this past week; in my life and inside of me. It's  a little unsettling as I'm used to the run run running of my life at 100 miles an hour, never stopping, just moving forward but it's been quiet. I've made no new acupuncture appointment this week and have been laying low after work each day except for the meeting with the Canadians on Tuesday. I've been verbally quiet as well and I guess it's just a time for contemplation and to try and regroup. Dr. B called me on Monday apologizing for not having called me on Friday and told me the films after the HSG exam were clear and that the corners of my uterus seem clear unlike last time which is a good thing, however, she didn't get a clear shot of the body of my uterus and therefore I have to do the HSG test again..fine...I have to wait for my period next month as it has to be done day 7-10 of my cycle...fine. She wants me to use a different place that does the test exactly like she wants..I ask her to please let me do it at the same place as the doctor was nice and I felt more comfortable. She says she'll call the doctor and see if she'll do the test the way she needs and she'll call me back tomorrow but alas she hasn't called and there is a slight feeling of anxiety waiting combined with a feeling of not wanting to know anymore.  A fear of knowing I suppose and of enjoying the brief respite in my life from all that baby making chaos.
There is a new girl at work that took Lexi's place..a nice girl it seems..young. And there is something I am seeing there..some sort of pain I suppose and I feel bad that she is lost in the crazy that is my workplace. I haven't reached out to her the way I normally would with someone new and scared as I work in a place similar to what I imagine purgatory would be..a step up from hell really where people are mean and cunning but it gets you what you need..paid. They're doing layoffs soon, I believe I mentioned..though I heard it doesn't touch us. We'll see... nerve wracking. Anyhow, I want to reach out to this girl but I feel empty right now. In the rooms of OA they talk about how you gain strength from helping others and perhaps this is what I need in my life. I will try and seek her out but honestly, I feel emotionally weak, just emotionally immobile right now. I will try though as everybody needs somebody and being alone is just crippling. I have Kay at work and if that wasn't the case I don't know what I would do. I'll reach out.
Other than that, I'm just waiting. I went on some sites that offer donor eggs and actually looked at some of the donors which was interesting. The one place near me offers egg programs starting at $25K not including meds or any of the IVF procedure...shit. Hoping this works out financially as I've sort of worked it out in my head. Time will tell.

enough really

One of the girls that I went to high school with just had a baby and two others are expecting theirs any day now. Am I totally jealous? No. It's not jealousy, it's something else that I can't describe. Something that''s sitting in the pit of my stomach, like when you find out your ex-boyfriend, who you're still not over, is getting married or having a baby or some other devastating shit. Not jealousy, just a dull and fearful pain. Yes, it almost feels like fear this sensation.

 I went to the acupuncturist today and when I explained where I was in the process she said to me, "I'm going to tell you a secret that I never told anybody else. My second son is from an egg donor. Even he doesn't know". Is this a small world or what? Any ol' how, it made me feel a little better to actually meet someone who's gone through it. But really, I've come to terms with the egg donor thing for the most part but I can't shake the feeling that this isn't going to happen. The acupuncturist, Dr. G, told me maybe I should take some time off to lose weight, get healthy, and mourn this experience but the truth is I just want to go forward, I just want to get this over with. And I know she was really saying why don't you lose some weight. While I was laying on the table with a zillion needles poking out of me the thought occurred to me that perhaps I can wait a year but really, I don't think I can. I spoke to Kay about it and she agreed that it was something that needed to just move forward. I'm doing my best to not overeat and control my food intake and try to drop a few though weekends are never easy for me for various reasons. I'm trying though which is more than I've been doing the last few months. I just don't want to wait. Partly because I know Dr. B has a limited time before going on maternity leave and I don't want to use another doctor. I like Dr. G but there's no connection, it's like there's something missing there and sometimes I want to just get up and get out of there. I didn't make an appointment for next week. I figured I'll play it by ear. I'm not sure if I'll go back.

Today is not a good day. Like yesterday I have this melancholic feeling hanging over me. This desperation. The feeling of wanting the world to stop for me until this pain subsides kind of like that technique they do for heroin addicts where they put them out until they finish going through withdrawals. That's what I'd like. Put me out until I no longer feel this sadness, this desperation, this feeling that my life is for shit. On top of this I have this anger at my family that I can't shake. I just feel like enough is enough with ignoring the pink elephant in the room. I just got a call from D that one of my siblings needs to go to the hospital due to a migraine. I went off on D which I feel bad about as it's not their fault. I just feel sick and tired of having to be available for them and they're never available for me. I feel like right now I am trying to mourn this and my family has not been there and still they can't even see that I'm in pain or even ask me what the fuck is going on with the pregnancy thing. I won't bring it up as they've blown me off too many times. I'm just tired of everything I suppose. Tired of pretending. Just tired. I feel guilt at ignoring their pain but enough is enough with their sick games. You're sick, do what I do, take care of it yourself. They don't even know that I had surgery in December or anything really. They don't ask so I don't tell. I'm just angry at them, angry at God, and angry at myself.  There are times I want to scream in frustration, just scream with the bullshit of it all but I can't without appearing completely off my rocker. But I want to. I want to scream and I want to smoke and I even want to drink...self destructive I know but it's what I want.

Bruising

Today felt really weird. Kay was back at work finally and I had missed her like crazy. The last, I'd say 3 days, it had seemed the pain had subsided a bit but today it was back...not in full force mind you, but just this slight ache and pain in my heart, a slightly bruised feeling of sorrow in my chest just hurting me ever so slightly. There was a little girl at work today..she must have been all of 1 1/2, if that, with cute little clothes on and the sweetest sounding chirping sounds were coming from the office and I finally took a look to see who it was. The colleague who was taking care of her mother later told me that the mother was pregnant again and also had 2 other children who had been taken away by children services due to neglect...isn't that just crap? Heartbreaking crap but there it is.
I prayed last night for God to tell me if I was making the right decision on the donor embryo and pursuing a child still and today, for whatever reason, I got the feeling that a baby just isn't in the cards for me. I know this really means nothing but it's a feeling I have, the feeling that added to my renewed sadness today. I just don't know what direction my life is going in as it seems like all the really big decisions are out of my hands and going nothing like I had imagined or would have planned them to go. It's just so painful sometimes..this whole thing is just so unimaginably painful...and I don't know which way to turn if this never happens for me. I don't even think I'll have the money left to try adoption. I still haven't gotten rid of all the books and baby clothes Diana had given me though I think tomorrow I'll box them up and give them to my mother for her friend's garage sale....no, on second thought I'll just toss in in the salvation army bin...avoid all the questions and the look of satisfaction on her face knowing that I can't have a child. It's hard not to be able to share this unbelievable sadness with my family but none of them were thrilled with my decision nor will they entertain the topic with me so I have to just sort of live around it when I'm with them. It breaks my heart and Kay, who has a very supportive family is always shocked at the shenanigans that happen with my family, the callousness really. You get used to it so it isn't a surprise but this pain has been one of the most difficult things to keep under wraps. I feel like someone has scooped out all of my insides and left me empty...left me with an agonizing emptiness. But enough about my pain...there are only a limited amount of adjectives you can use to describe pain before you start sounding like a drama queen or some badly written soap scene. I just have to find a way to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Just keep moving forward towards what? I don't know. Towards nothing. Towards the same shit every day. If there is no baby, I have to stay at my job long enough to pay off all this debt and then I'll sell this joint and move into a little apartment. In my head I go back to smoking and drinking fully caffeinated coffee, go back to art and just living for me, getting through it as painlessly as I possibly can. I know I don't talk much about what I do and who I work with but the meat and potatoes of my job is about children...fucked up children who are either fucked up because of choices they've made for themselves or  being raised by fucked up people or in the middle of a fucked up situation. Mostly we just hear the story and don't meet the children, just deal with the legalities of their situation or deal with state laws and shit but we do see these children mostly because when we see the parents they bring them with them...I can't do this job without having my heart broken for the rest of my life. My old boss, my first boss, a kind woman, had lost her child when he was just a little boy..her only son, and I never knew how she did this job. She would drink at lunch and drink more at home and she would pace and pace and pace the halls and frankly I don't want to do this, I don't think I'm strong enough to do this; to have this shit hammered into your head on a daily basis when you have no babies in your arms and you see all these babies get all fucked up by their fucked up drug addicted, crazy assed, self absorbed parents. I can't do this with no babies...it would just be a daily torture. One of the other chicks I became friends with also using the same cryo bank is in a similar field and also unable to get pregnant. She jokes that maybe if she smoked a little crack it would happen as that's what seems to work for the people she works with. It's not funny but it's a little true...I used to work in mental health and always remember the one client who delivered a baby in her room. She was schizophrenic and had already had 8 babies taken from her by children's services....it's seems the more fucked up you are the more fertile......crack addict = 10 babies, schizophrenic = 5 babies...no addictions and no (serious) mental health issues = you get bupkis. I don't know. I don't get it. I really don't.

My own quiet desperation

For an ordinary Tuesday, this one was extraordinarily long. I had that quiet feeling inside...that full empty feeling that could lead you to a good cry in no time at all. Thankfully I didn't break down but I had my moments today. I find myself paralyzed at work and unable to do the most mundane of tasks. Truthfully, this is a state that I've found myself the majority of the year...present, but distracted by all the things occurring in the peripherals of my life. I ran out of body powder this morning, something I always use, and of course was forced to go down the baby aisle of the supermarket...I looked only in one direction, down where I knew it would be and veered out of the aisle midway where it splits and leads into the next section.  I get to the front of the store, pregnant lady, coming in, lady with a newborn, out in the parking lot lady about to burst she was so pregnant. Coincident? Yes, I'm not that lost that I don't know it only stands out because it's in the forefront of my mind. I bought some pregnancy tests while I was inside..I had initially planned to not test which is something I can do this time out...not excited...but then thought better of it...I go to the doctor on Friday which means she will call me on Friday while I'm at work...I can't be surprised while I'm at work nor do I want to break down while I'm there so I'll test on Thursday. I could cry this time out as it's just to close to the finale of my journey. I was talking to Kay today about how hard it was for me to close the chapter on the fairy tale of husband, house, child, 1.5 dogs et cetera and I had to just shake my head at the stupidity of that, of having that actually be an issue. Closing the chapter on this dream will be incomparably harder...just something that I can't even believe  I'm contemplating let alone actually doing. But I'll do one more and that's it...regardless of the cost as I'm unsure my insurance is footing this last IVF bill for me...I promised myself one more and I'll do it so I'll have no regrets but it's hard. And then there's that tiny, teeny tiny little voice of hope that maybe it took this time...maybe I got lucky and caught a break this time and I think, Please, please shut up voice, as you've spoken before and your words are just too painful in the end. These are my thoughts all day quiet in my head and heavy in my chest just killing me.

Shitty....(yes, yes, witty I know)

I'm feeling shitty today as you may have guessed. I was back at the grind and was only overwhelmed momentarily by the humongous pile of mail on my desk and it's not the kind you can just skim....I actually have to read each line looking for certain shit in there...if you saw the piles you'd cry. Thankfully one of the other chicks (who is supposed to pick up my slack in my absence) had actually stepped up and read a pile commenting holy shit you get a ton of mail..no shit. So work was fine...there was the usual email full of greek gobbledy gook that I don't understand and a bit of the normal chaos but nothing outstanding which usually means we'll get the backlash the next day...that's how my job is...if it ain't crazy on a Monday just wait for it as it's coming. Any ol' how I was talking to Kay about my 5 little embryos in my belly or whatever is left of them. Each time I go to the bathroom and wipe (yes, tmi but oh well), I think, did I just wipe away my baby? Probably. I have this pit in my stomach that it just won't happen and I asked Kay twice now to repeat what the doctor said...that they're all 6 and 8 cells with no fragments which I know is just a bit of an increase to my odds but I need reassurance that the odds were better this time.  I have this overwhelming feeling of melancholia...not depression where you feel like life is hopeless but this deep sadness in the very core of me...this ache really...just grasping at the last strings of hope...so emotionally painful. I'm supposed to go see the Canadians tomorrow but don't think I can....just don't want the questions ...too much I tell you...just too much for me. I go Friday to the doctor for my test...it wouldn't be so bad if I could have the weekend to regroup but a weekend where I have to interact with my family seems like it might put me over the edge. I want to scream at the frustration of the situation and I think, Why? Why did I wait so long to do this shit? Why did I have to be so scared? There is nothing to fear in this life yet I'm always running scared and I think why the fuck did I have to be such a chicken waiting for some man that wasn't coming to rescue me and give me the support I never really needed except in the fairy tails swimming in my fucking head? I should have tried a year after I got the cancer clearance...but alas I didn't and I have to move forward with this one regret hanging in my life. Too painful really. These stupid celebrities making it seem like we have forever when we don't...why do we buy into their bullshit hype. Don't know.

Later this same day....
I don't know why I can't seem to pull myself up today. Though I'm not necessarily feeling like I'm unraveling per se I just am in somewhat of a funk...perhaps preparing myself for Friday in a way...a premature mourning...trying to protect myself ..as usual. I just want this whole fight to be over...just for someone to either give me my gift or chop me off at the knees already..it's such a torturous limbo to live in..not knowing if what you are living is a pipe dream or not. I thank God for Kay as I'd never would have been able to hang in here for this long...she's my main support which is pretty pathetic but there it is. I'm playing the crying game tonight and I can't seem to help myself...just need to soothe myself in some way and once again dream of the day when I can sit out on my balcony with either  a glass of wine or a beer and a cigarette and finally exhale from this suspended nightmare. Today at work I felt a flicker of excitement and I had to tamp it down..I can't do this to myself again and would rather go from sad to happy than from happy to sad...status quo is fine but I don't want to plummet...just can't keep plummeting month after month. Oh well...this is all out of my hands and I guess I have no choice but to let go and let God and see what the future brings. I read a quote someone wrote yesterday that said God never says no, His answer is Yes, Not Yet, or I have something better for you...hope this is true though can't imagine better. Have to trust and keep the Faith. As they say in "the rooms" thanks for letting me share. These posting have so helped me just unload.
BTW, I wanted to post that I have been having few if any symptoms...only small sharp pains which I believe are a result of the progesterone as they seem familiar from last time. No sore boobs or none of the other fake pregnancy crap I've usually gotten which is good.

Wow upside down

"Wow upside down" is the code name we use for my mother when she's within earshot(genius I know..sigh). I was just there and I can't remember a time whenever I've come back from there when I felt good about myself. Today was no different.  There've been times when I thought it was me and my fault and I'll admit I contribute as I won't let shit just go...but I know it's mostly the insanity of what is my family. This weekend my youngest sibling, the one with th history of a breakdown decided that they couldn't come....it was just too much for them as they'd been traumatized from last weekend but last minute decided to change their mind....shortly regretted it...when I tell you the situation ain't easy it ain't.  The thing is my mother...she's not your typical mother and never has been really...had a bad childhood .....a fact we were (or I should say are) reminded of on a regular basis growing up and until this day it is a main topic of conversation for her....can't see that anyone else has suffered...just her...will dismiss anybody else's pain saying hers is or was worse. You bring up that you went to the doctor and are having such and such a problem...she will only acknowledge to say she went and hers is worse...always whatever she is going through, went through is worse...is a miser and would like you to pay for everything..never mind that not a one of us is married and has someone to share the bills with and any opportunity she has is trying to get you to do something for her... every. opportunity. every. single. one. And this applies to anyone. Has lost contact with many people who no longer wish to speak to her as she will squeeze the life from you ....never asks how you are..nothing. My older sib explains it like this...if it has nothing to do with her..it's not important. Sadly this is about 99%  true. I love her but it ain't easy and she's one of those people that if you try and sit down to talk to them about it gets so defensive that she ends up making you feel like you are the lowest piece of shit ever. I find I am similar to her in some respects which scares the shit out of me. I acknowledge but don't accept and have to make a conscious effort to be aware. I do care about others and definitely don't think my life has been the worst and am told I'm a pretty good listening so it's none of those things..but I tend to be a bit argumentative (maybe more than a bit) and can at times be a bit of a know it all not including anything at work of course (duh and shit). Anyhow, I left there telling her a joke to make myself feel better and run run running to the safety of my own place, wtih my own things, done my own way, with nobody asking me to do anything except for Tess who seems to always want me to play play play and I just really don't feel like it lately. The reality of it is, that my mother will drive you crazy and we as the twisted "children" who are full of resentments make the situation worse. She can't help herself as she can't see her behavior but we can see our but for some reason can't seem to be able to control ourselves...I know I'm not explaining it right it's just a weird family phenomenon that happens when we're with her and everyone ends up miserable including her...very frigging healthy.
Anyhow, on the IVF front, I have been feeling no different than any other day, actually less symptomatic than the last two week wait and I can't help but think this is a failure...positive thinking I know but it's honest if nothing else. I'm not sure if I mentioned that the anesthesiologist was quite intrigued by my job and for whatever reason as it was somewhat of a stretch, related it to the movie the Shawshak redemption....would not stop talking about the friggin movie and I couldn't help but think back to that episode of "Friends" where Phoebe (if you know the show) is having triplets and the OBGYN keeps referring back to episodes of Happy Days and the Fonz...I mean the guy would not get off of Shawshank Redemption..even Kay thought it was weird. He was nice though so he was forgiven...so of course after my lovely time at my mother's I come home flick on the boob and sure enough...Hello Morgan Freeman! Shawshank..of course. It's not a sign though it's just a coincidence. Last time I was in the 2 week waiting period I kept bumping into picks of Bradley Cooper...significant because my donor supposedly resembles Bradley Cooper...I kept thinking maybe it was a sign but obvioulsy it meant nothing other than Mr. Copper sure is popular...same thing with Shawshank but when I spoke to Kay we laughed like idiots...you gotta ask yourself...what the fuck man? Really? So that's that. So yes, my donor looks like Bradley Copper and also supposedly looks like the blonde guy with the long hair from Lost...not the hobbit guy the other hot one. This is normally not my taste of men and initially I had picked someone completely different...average looking but then I said hell, if I'm going to pick from all these choices..I'm picking the creme de la creme...someone who would never sleep with me in real life and the truth is looks matter so if I have to give this kid no father, at least let me give the kid a fighting chance in the looks department...Kay who helped me agreed..pick the most gorgeous one you can find and Bradley Cooper was it (truthfully, I had to look him up as I'm not a celebrity drooler). Don't know what the combo of me and him would look like but I'm sure it would beat me picking someone that looks like Howdie Doodie (my first choice was red haired and I later learned incedibly freckled, which combined with my freckles would be a Hell No!).
I had Sunday night anxiety tonight which I don't think I've had in a while....all because I gotta go back tomorrow. I just don't like work right now as I'm dealing with too many statistical shit and it always throws me for a loop...should have been an accountant with all the number shit I have to do and I'm not good at it at all. Sucks. I wish I knew the job better...I know this must sounds strange that I supervise people doing a job I know very little about but it is what it is...it's the effed up position I'm in right now and have been for a few years. I've learned a ton about it since taking over but if you've never actually had to do the work then it's all just theory really..sucks..did I mention that? sucks.