I can't explain how crazy my brain feels while on all of these meds. I spoke to Kay tonight who said it was the same thing last time...I honestly don't remember. Feels so shitty. The silver lining to all this is the fact that this is the last time I have to be on all of these meds. Woot woot. Yes, I'm being sarcastic. The truth is I'd do this 50 more times if you told me it'd work. Well, maybe not 50 but a bunch more.
Went to the therapist today and she isn't leaving my insurance plan like the letter I received stated...she said it's some kind of error. Good session but we won't see each other again until March 5th. By then the shit will have hit the fan. I keep talking negatively hoping that I'm wrong...un-jinxing it so to speak. I know that shit doesn't work. That's how crazily desperate I've become. I'm now trying to un-jinx shit that's not jinxed. Lord...this is partly medication and partly my own insanity. Ugh...just want the relief. We talked about the "man" issue or lack thereof. She asked me if I ever thought of looking for one. No, never occurred to me. I explain I feel too shitty. I tell her straight up, I don't even feel like a woman at this weight. And that my friends is the truth. I feel like a wildebeest...or just a beast as I have no idea what a wildebeest is but it sounds so gross and exactly how I feel..gross. I tell her when this is all done I'm doing the lapband and getting myself in shape. I used to run, not sure if I ever mentioned that. On the treadmill mind you but it was running and I did it almost every friggin day. I'd run and do walking tapes and the Tony Little elliptical gadget...I was pretty fit. Now..not so much. I would like someone though..I would.
Tomorrow I go back to the clinic. I have to get up at 5 to make it there by 7 and make it to work on sort of time. It's the only way to miss the rush hour traffic as if the roads were clear I could make it from here to NYC in probably 40 minutes...in traffic it took almost 2 friggin hours. I'm tired. I'm just physically and emotionally tired.
My father called again tonight..."take me home". "You are home dad". "I want to get out of here. Come pick me up. If you love me you'll pick me up. These people here are liars". And on and on this shit goes. It was already 10 o'clock and I didn't want to go out again. I promised I'd go tomorrow and we'll talk about it all. Shit. The lady who works the morning shift had to leave the country unexpectedly as her brother was killed, poor thing...brutally killed at that. The tenant in the apartment above my dad's killed himself this past weekend...can you imagine? He stabbed himself. All this crazy shit going on and I just need the world to pause for a minute so I can take a fucking nap...it's all too much.
Anyhow, that's that. K, one of the girls I met at IVF class is going for her retrieval in the morning. She's the oldest of us all at 43 but I bet it works for her. I think the one's with the least chance are me and R. Me because of my weight and R because her eggs blow. And I'm going to say that thing you're not supposed to say because it's what I feel and as selfish as it sounds..it's how I feel...selfish....Here goes and if you think less of me..I'm sorry..I hope I'm not the only one who ends up childless. I hope it's either we all have a baby or only some of us have a baby but not just me left behind. Fucked up and selfish but there it is...and I know I'd feel that way sans meds on the brain. Frick.
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