1st (technically) HPT

I took a home pregnancy test this morning. I just couldn't wait all day to find out....It was negative..*sigh*. Today is day 6 post 5 day embryo transfer (a/k/a: 6p5det). Kay tells me it's still early and maybe it is but I just can't help but think negatively...I think it's negative for real. A part of me is having a hard time believing that and the other part of me accepts it. I cried for a minute this morning...unexpectedly cried while getting ready for work...just a little for myself. I feel so tired...just so tired of all this crazy running around just to get from point A to point B. Nothing, nothing in my life has been easy really and maybe that's true for everyone. It's just me and Tess here...just me and Tess for too long. I'd love to meet someone, love to lose some of this poundage, love to have a baby...all these things that seem to just eventually trickle into people's life with minimal effort...or so it seems. Doesn't really matter. It really doesn't in the grand scheme of things. I would just like something, someone to share my life with ...to make it worth the struggle. Maybe that's too friggin much. It's weird how little grief I feel really. I'm sad but more than that I feel tired...beat down and tired.

I came home to Tess happy and wagging her tail with her ass in the air like she does...she's so funny...she really is just a precious little thing and I'm grateful for her because she makes me happy. I'm grateful.

Maybe this is it....maybe this is it for me. I'm not sure. I thought to myself this morning...even if there was money left on my insurance..and there isn't a dime left...I don't think I could do it again...it's too much...not just the running around...the shots...those mother effin shots...too many and the progesterone with the huge needle in the ass is beyond too much every day....I must have given myself hundreds of injections and still nothing. Crazy. I must be crazy.

Heavy

Tonight we went out to the movies. Older sibling and I convinced D to go. D never wants to go for fear of people, of noise, of darkness. I don't know. Anyhow, we went to go see that movie Identity Thief...don't waste your money but it was fine time really. We left there and it was still early enough to go see my father. D had not drank any of their $5.50 drink and Older sib insisted they take it with them. We go to my dad's and he is cranky as shit. He screams at us to put him to bed though the aide explained she'd just put him in the chair. We put him to bed after he yells at us a second time. He's uncomfortable and wants to sit up. He wants to lay down. He wants to sit up. He wants to get up though we convince him to just sit. He wants to lay down. Yelling at us each time. He's hot, he's hot...fan him. We stand there with one of those hand held fans waving at him. After an hour of this I tell Older sib let's go. Older sib says he's not calm yet. He's nowhere nears calm. I tell her this is every night...we'll be there til morning as he doesn't get calm..it just continues...we go back and forth...we stay a bit longer and D is falling asleep on the chair not having had their meds yet, their shower yet. I again tell Older sib let's go. My father screams don't you leave me here like this. I ask him what he wants. I need to be more comfortable he says. I go help him straining with his weight that I'm not supposed to be lifting having just had my retrieval 2 days ago. He doesn't help. I say you have to make an effort to move or you're staying there...losing any patience I may have had. I haul him over and up and finally have him straight in the bed. I feel the pressure in my neck, my back, my already aching groins. Take the sheets and blankets off and ask are you more comfortable? Yes he says. Okay we're leaving. He yells not to leave him like this. He's hot and wants more fanning. I tell him Teresa will fan him. He yells no and I say we'll see you tomorrw, D says goodbye, I tell older sib say goodbye. Older sib is in the kitchen rummaging around. What are you looking for? Let's go. I'm looking for D's drink. Are you out of your mind I say...come on...who cares about the drink..let's go. Older sib says they'll walk, pissed off now. Get in the car I say, let's just go. We're in the middle of the hood dude. Older sib is sometimes off their rocker...wanted D to walk to my mom's for a fan. Alone down the street where I was almost mugged last week...can you imagine? Did I mention I was almost mugged? This is my life and my back is killing me and I"m thinking...what the fuck am I planning to bring someone into this hell for? What the fuck?

P. fucking S.: To cap off the night, shortly after completing the top portion of this post, Tess comes into my computer room screaming at the top of her lungs, sounding like she is in agony and I can't calm her down. She's screaming and screaming. I run out of the house calling older sib to call her vet who is open 24/7 in my PJ's and crocs zooming down the road 3 towns over where they give her pills for pain as they can't find anything. Vet is guessing it's her knees coming out of her sockets due to her fucked up patella whatsamawhosit... She also completed emptied her anal glands causing a funky odor..I come home to find I never locked the door, dropped my cell and my IPAD on my dining room floor. And that my friends is a wonderful Saturday night in the life of Gem. But life is still good.

Stolen Groove

I was on such a high on Monday and just feeling so serene on Tuesday, not even the bitches could steal my groove or so I thought. I went into work yesterday to find half my staff gone. Couldn't find a one from a particular section I supervise except for Kay. Go over to the administrative side of the building and there they are crowded into my bosses office to bitch about me. I'm cool, still handling it..no sweat. I speak to my boss afterwards who says there's nothing to talk about; that all their shit is petty shit. Okay but it's hurtful. One of the women in there is a "friend"...we've shared shit. I've given her a ride home before, counseled her through a divorce and the mental breakdown of her son. As a matter of fact, Tuesday she told me the whole story of what is going on with him at this point emphasizing how she can't share it with the others who don't get it. She was in there too. This woman is 20 years my senior. In fact, all these people are older than me. It hurt. The leader of the pack is the chick Patty, who went off on me at the end of November, had gone off again Tuesday night and managed to rile all these people up. My boss said, 2 of the staff admitted having no gripes with me and another had nothing in several years...they were all there to support Patty. It hurt. She continues with her abusive, mean spirited, insubordinate shit and nothing is done. I told my boss this but I may as well have spoken to myself and nothing continues to be done. Today after I had corrected an investigation she leaves me a printout of when to use a semi colon...this because I questioned her use of one. She constantly uses them incorrectly but it was just another snub from her. I went to speak to her and she proceeds to tell me she can't talk right now, cuts me off...same ol' shit. I called her nasty, abusive, and fresh as she stormed away from me. I wanted to deck her one and I know shit comes around but sometimes you wonder why it doesn't come immediately. The truth is, she is a very angry unhappy person because of her son. We've shared a lot about it because of D and the similarities in their outburst and issues as children. The biggest difference is that she's embarrassed by her child and my family would carry D on our shoulders tooting a trumpet we love D that much. Fucked up really. Well I lost my cool with her and cried hysterically in my office. I just can't take the abusive behavior anymore, the snubs, the bullshit when I have tried to be so supportive of not only her but all of my staff. It hurts really...so I let her steal my groove. So not the me I used to be. I'm more vulnerable now, not as tough... but it's just been too much. Life has kicked my ass and though I've tried to roll with the punches I'm scarred..I'm scarred and there's no amount of therapy can take it all away.

Kay said, Gem, you can't let them upset you. Not when you're going to try again. But it's easier said than done and I'm feeling particularly vulnerable especially with the situation with my dad. This new clinic requires a psych eval if you're using donor anything and I have mine scheduled for the end of January. Dude will probably think I'm out of my effin mind but if all this shit was going on in your life you'd be crazed too. Running my dad's business is also getting a little overwhelming and as crazy as she is, I'm thankful as hell for my mother who has been a great help. She ran the business for years and even with her dementia, half the shit is like breathing for her..she remembers and has tons of valuable connections, ideas, et cetera. Thank God. I do what I can and I'm getting good at negotiating deals but picture trying to do all that shit, learn all that shit, after you've worked a full day, and try to juggle visits to the nursing home and your own life, and bring a dog with you because you feel guilty that she's home all day alone...so she's been in people's businesses that aren't happy about it, nursing homes etc. Funny story with Tess; I take her to the nursing home, she starts barking at a nurse who runs by, my dad is all fucked up in the bed and his roommate is fast asleep. Tess' bark is high pitched so my dad's roommate yells out, "it's okay Herbie, daddy's home, Daddy's home..it's okay Herbie". All in his sleep. Funny. I guess you had to be there.

Anyhow, that's it. That's my life right now...Riding the highs and the lows and just trying to maintain.

Shit

I've been feeling more emotional lately. I actually broke down at the Korean food market in front of one of my sibs which is so unlike me I can't even tell you. My mom's old neighbor was there. She is like a grandmother to us or more to D really and I love her though I could probably do a better job showing it. She looks terrible. I looked at her and actually saw what she would like look in her casket; that's what she looked like. I broke down...I had trouble just speaking to her as it broke my heart too much really. I keep her savings in an account in my name and I just told her to stop saving any more money as she has too much in there (about 20K). She told me it's just in case something happens...code for in case I die. I told her it's more than enough for what she would need. She told me okay that she wouldn't put more away. Heartbreaking talk. Just heartbreaking. A kinder soul you'd never meet and she's been through too much in her life, lost her 3 little girls when they were all young...I don't know how she's not still howling at the moon in pain and agony really.

Today is my father's birthday. He is in the hospital. Also saddens me. He's not who he once was. It seems everyone is falling apart and pretty soon there'll be no family left except for the sibs as they're all just falling apart.

Looming in the background of all of this is my babies that don't exist. Yesterday someone came to my job with a 2 week old little baby who was just precious. The woman, who probably thought I was a complete loon, let me hold him. He was beyond sweet and I held him for as long as didn't appear crazy. She had 3 other kids and had stabbed the baby's father the day before. Awesome. This is my life. I get to see all the crack head criminals with their babies that they will ultimately introduce into the system, and I stand to the side and get bupkis. Awesome. But that's life I suppose and who the fuck am I?

So I'm feeling a bit sad and tomorrow I leave to visit my family and confirm my cousin's daughter in Puerto Rico. I'm half Puerto Rican on my mother's side. I'm there for 5 days with my older sib and with D. D is having a hard time with all of this and I'm scared of what will actually happen when my mom's neighbor dies (D calls them every morning) or when my father goes though I don't think my father will go in the immediate future, or when my mother goes as I have the feeling that she will go suddenly...just a hunch....what the frick do I know really?

I read a quote today about people not realizing that there's not that much time and it so resonated with me. My old therapist used to say that I was living the unlived life and though I don't completely agree with her it's haunted me always. The thing I keep thinking is that I spent so much time feeling shy, insecure, not good enough, not woman enough that I did neglect large parts of my life. The part where you throw some caution to the wind and try out some guys and the baby part. I should have done all of this when I was younger. Even now I don't try with men. It's the not feeling woman enough, or good enough. Mattie at work made me a feel a bit better this week. One of the guards at work has a crush on me and every time I see him he says something to me. He's gross btw. I tell Mattie and ask her if I'm being too pick and I know she'll shoot straight as she's from the complete hood and she says, "What!? You're out of his league. What is he thinking?" Made me feel better. Sometimes I worry that I've been too picky and hence ended up with nothing but in truth I think that the people who were interested in me weren't good enough and I knew it...except for asshole but asshole too really. Oh well. I could deal with no man, it's the no baby thing that is just killing me. Shit.

Anyhow, that's my life in a nutshell. Lexie will be staying with Tess here at the condo which I hope works out...hope Lexi loves Tess enough as she's used to a million hugs a day. I'm a typical insane dog owner but it's all I have really. So that's that. I'm hoping my trip is fun at least a little. Hope I get to sit by the hotel pool with a cocktail at least once. Just need a little peace...just a little.

La Familia

I got a phone call yesterday when I was just about ready to leave for work from my younger sib saying that my father had fallen, could not get up and was taken by ambulance to the hospital and wouldn't I be good enough to meet him there as I was the closest and they lived too far? I proceeded to curse said sibling out (because I believe I mentioned I have some issues) and said that of course!! as it's always me!! and off I went to the hospital, calling out for the day. My father and I are not tight and I believe I mentioned we spent about 13 years not speaking, yup, count them, 13 years. Why you ask? As a child whenever my father was upset with one of us he would stop speaking to us...not for an hour, a few hours, a day, or even a few days...it would last for weeks, sometimes months, and I remember for one of my sibs for over a year. We used to have to beg him day after day to speak to us until he decided it was enough and then whenever he felt like it he'd speak. So sometime in my 20's when he stopped speaking to me (I was in the middle of working on my bachelors..hence the student loan as the check left with the speaking) I'd had enough and I told him, "you're not speaking to me? Well I'm not speaking to you either" and it was ON! He ignored me and I did the same...lasted 13 years until he called me at work sometime last year or thereabouts. Anyhow off I went to the hospital yesterday...resentful as all hell. My older sib called and said they would come and I told them forget it....at around noon they both showed up. I ended up getting home after 10 p.m. as they admitted him to the hospital and I again went to visit today leaving work early to accommodate him and not overly impact Tess, who I've spent too little time with as it is. Anyhow my sibling, who has mental health problems, was there and planning to stay the whole day...a glutton for punishment not to mention how it'll impact them mentally...my father can be mentally and emotionally abusive (surprised?).

While at the hospital I received a call from D's case worker who proceeded to tell me that the program D is in will require D to participate in individual therapy in order to participate in their work program because of the fact that it was so stressful for D last time. I politely (or at least as politely as possible) explained that I felt this was punitive, that it's always the person with mental health issues that has consequences for sub-par staff (yes I said this), and asked if the staff received consequences? She said she was going to be moved to a different position upon her return from maternity leave.....I say to her, "a promotion I bet" she said nothing....So fucking sick of this. Really am. I wish D didn't want to work and my sibs hadn't told D that in order to have a relationship D needed to have a job...Yes, they said this; healthy all around my family. There's a part of me that wants to walk away from all this shit...just leave them holding the bag. When I brought it up with my younger sib who overheard the conversation sib asks, what ever happened to your search for a therapist? This because the topic so stresses me out...Fuck you I want to say to this sib who has run away from any problem D has had, who has to pop a million pills a day to cope with life and still will disappear when the going gets rough...I may not be the most tactful, the most together, the most finessed, or stress free person, but I show up, I deal. I might break down but I step up when the shit hits the fan.  I want to tell them fuck you.

But instead I tell them I deal with my idiosyncrasies...and most shrinks are too crazy any ol' way which I believe is the truth.....I don't tell them about the shrink I started seeing as really it's none of their business.

I'm tired...I'm real tired. Tired of all the shit. If it all stopped tomorrow, it wouldn't be too soon. Just done.

Relief

I'm going to preface this entry by saying that if you're tired of hearing me gripe, groan, moan, and basically sitting in my shit, go read something else as I'm trying to work through my life here so ...

I went to see the therapist chick last Wednesday. She was nice, professional. Unfortunately she lacked the magic wand I was looking for. I'm going back Tuesday and to the disappointment of anybody who knows my last few attempts with therapy, it seems unlikely I will stick with this chick either. The thing is, or maybe the excuse is that, I'm looking for something not available on a therapeutic couch....relief. Relief from my obsessive baby thoughts, my feelings of despair, feeling overwhelmed, but most of all feeling like just giving fucking up. Just throwing caution to the fucking wind, getting lap band surgery, going back to smoking, paying off my debt, quitting my job and joining the circus where I can drink like a fish and not have any real responsibility except to become intoxicated to the point of oblivion from this pain in my heart that I can't seem to quell at all;  A feeling of utter hopelessness from ever feeling truly happy in this life. I told the therapist chick this...not in so many words as I made sure she didn't feel the need to call in the white jackets and the gist of what she said to me, other than the typical rephrasing of all my shit, was that it appears that I know what I want and it has all been well thought out and it appears that my biggest obstacle was the actual drive into the city (this was at the end of the session where they try to round up what was discussed) and I just needed to make the call and wrap my head around the drive there. Really? Really lady. I said, "it's more than the drive. It's much more than the drive. It's the whole thing, the drive is just a part of it"...as I walked out the door and realized that the most important part of that session had ended for her...the check was handed over and she felt like a genius. Therapy, in my opinion, is so much harder to get through when you've been trained to be a therapist. You know the cheap shit...rephrase...and the ending..the summation of the topics discussed...so when someone throws this amateur night at the Apollo shit at you...it's just hard to take them seriously. I just want someone to throw technique out the window and just really talk to me. Anyhow, I'm going back for the same reason I always go back, because I have to make sure I'm not throwing something valuable out the window...I'm double checking myself. How my last therapist, who I really loved, made the cut, I'm not sure. I think it was that she just listened. Really listened and didn't give me some cheap solution. She actually saved my ass as, if you think I'm in the funky dunk now, you ain't seen nothing. Truth be told last time it wasn't so much that I was in a funk, it was more that I had suffered a trauma and was literally, as I've described before in earlier posts, scared of my own shadow...would actually jump if I saw the slightest move out of the corner of my eye and she 'restored me back to sanity' as they say in the big book. Put humpty dumpty back together again, though really, I have never been the same again but at least I'm functioning, without pills and without shaking so hard I could barely contain myself. That's how bad I was last time; I would literally shake. So that's how it went with therapy, and though I can tell you more about past bad "therapeutic" experiences I won't but I will say this, when I was in school a professor used to always say, that we weren't looking to help people and that's not why we wanted to do therapy, we were there trying to resolve issues in our own lives. They recommended we all do therapy to resolve issues before we practiced and from experience, the professor was correct; craziest most maladjusted people I've ever met was working on my degree... but whateva...  Anyhow, I always tell people when they're looking for a shrink to be wary if they seem too crazy as they'll make you crazier and this my friends is partly why I'm squeamish of therapists...I'm crazy already and don't need your crazy or you making me more crazy..well, I suppose that's really just a part of it.

I digress as usual. So today I actually slept in and woke up at 10... I find that the longer I sleep the less thinking I have to do. I woke up made a complex tuna salad that was horrendous and ended up eating PB & J instead and have stayed quiet except for the fits of crying or telling Tess to hush it as I can't deal with her demands right now...guilt guilt guilt.. And just wondering where I go, what do I do to make myself feel better?  I don't know. It's the quiet that's killing me really...that sadness that makes you want to just curl inside yourself and become mute. That's where I'm at. And I keep looking for some relief and it's nothing that a cigarette, a cookie, or a glass of wine can seem to even begin to touch. I want to run, run, run and actually played with the idea of going to visit Ollie in Fla. but he's in the middle of a new relationship and really it's not what I need. I just feel like I need someone to help me but I can't seem to find that person. I'm looking something to assuage all these feelings and just give me some inner peace...some feeling of hope...a feeling that things will really get better, will become tolerable, will be worth living. Relief, relief, relief..that doesn't seem to come.

Sitting in my shit and I really don't effin care

I finally spoke to one of the embryo clinics today. I've been so out of it I just thought the girl was gonna be a total asshole but it turns out she was very helpful. Turns out it'll be about $30,000 using them. Her suggestion was that I might want to change to a larger fertility clinic where they would have a larger selection of in house donors. She even went as far as to look some up, give me their stats, and the telephone numbers. I don't know how I'm going to pull this off emotionally..I really don't. I feel like I'm falling to pieces really. I made an appointment with a shrink for next week. She seems decent when I googled her. Time will tell. I have to give her a chance as my m.o. is usually to just run at the first sign of weakness but the truth is I need help to get through this. I've never felt this alone in my life and so discouraged really. I can't believe still that this is almost over for me. It's too painful to even believe but there it is. Just going through the motions of life right now doing my damnedest not to smoke too much and get back on that stuff which probably contributed to my current situation...who knows really. I'm just so sad about all of this and even that sounds like it's not enough to describe exactly what it is I feel. If I had money, real money, perhaps I wouldn't feel that this is all so final. I don't know. I really don't. Who the fuck knows.

She suggested I try 3 places...NYU fertility, RMA of NY, and Cornell fertility. I get a feeling this is going to be big bucks. I can't help but think things would be so much easier if I wasn't alone and I know why I think this,...because it's the truth really. Just someone who was fighting the fight with me, who I could bounce shit off of without feeling I was burdening them with my misery. I called Diana today and of course was so upset I could barely speak and she was nothing but supportive but I have the feeling that she and Kay are tired of hearing me cry hysterically or maybe this is just my mind playing tricks on me as they both insist they want to hear it.

So this is what is coursing through my mind....fist and foremost...I feel like the game is over...and though I fight this thought, it creeps in over and over. Then I think..I want to change clinics and this I've pretty much determined to be a bit more concrete. I also think perhaps I should do another round of IVF somewhere else...crazy right? I go back and forth. The truth of the matter is I need to consult with a doctor. I'm also thinking I should call my acacupuncturist who went through all this shit and ask her who she used. I'm grasping at straws but this is where my mind is going...Not sure if I can do this. I'm just not sure. I can't stop crying...it's effecting my work. I left early today again and spent the morning and yesterday morning with my door closed. I think my staff are afraid to approach me as I can't stop crying. I'm hoping this chick next week, the shrink, can help me. I just need to sort through all of the muck in my head, re-energize and haul ass. Think things through and get my bearings. I'm sad. Sad like fucked up kind of sad...can't move kind of sad, can't breathe, can't bear to fucking breathe...that kind of sad.

Anyhow, I just have to pull myself out of this funk but I'm also going to try and cut myself a little slack here. I have to mourn this as it really is a death and I've said it before...it's the death of a dream...the dreams we have as children, as young women and as grown women. It hurts. It makes me feel like just giving up on life..it hurts that bad and if it wasnt' for Tess and "D" I probably would just say fuck it all. But I know from past experience that things always get better or so it seems and so I have to hang on to that and think that someday this will just be a memory and really....how much time do I have anyway? Maybe 30 years if I'm lucky? It flies I'll tell you that.

Diana made the comment today that she can't believe how fucked up the cards I've been dealt have been and though I want to believe that this is true, want to indulge myself in my self pity a bit, sit in my shit as they say, I realize this isn't wholly true. I know too well that my cards were pretty good. Listen, I'm aware of my bad cards...they ain't good: cancer, molestation, obesity, issues with D, and belive me..the issues with "D", I lived through it by the skin of my teeth and you wouldn't even begin to believe it, an ass kicker, and there's some shit that's just ridiculously ridiculous. And I've never had real love in my life..painful but there it is.  But...and this is a bit ass but..no pun..I had a great education, have never wanted financially (not rich but have always had adequate food shelter, etc..), have been super successful in my own career, more brains than I've needed, and have always felt an angel sitting on my shoulder..always....even my siblings say that I have a gift..and I feel this, I feel this presence of some type of blessing. But it's been an ass kicker, this life,  nonetheless. I always say that where my life has failed was in the personal department. I have tons of friends..I do and I know how fortunate this is...but I have had no love of my life, no babies, no family of my own really aside from the one I grew up in. This shit leaves a woman feeling like she's not a woman I can tell you that. I wonder sometimes what was my purpose. For "D"? I fight like a mother for "D"...one of my sibling says she loves to hear my rants when I get my craw up for "D" but they don't get what it takes from me...it hurts me to have to act like that...like a bear..fighting..it hurts me..but I do it. I wonder is this why I'm here? For "D"? I've been doing the "D" thing since "D"s birth. Fine. Fine. But I want a family of my own and this can't be all there is for me...these fucking walls in this fucked up job with fucked up people and i'm grateful...I am but this.... It hurts me. That's all I can really say.

Cough, cough, sick

I called out today. Why? Because frankly, I didn't want to go in. I'm tired of hearing people griping, and on top of that there was a case in court today that I didn't want to attend...shit happens. I felt guilty for a minute and then I said fuck it. All the bitches call out left and right and today, I did it. I used to say I hardly ever call out sick but I don't know how true that is anymore. I probably call out, maybe every 3-4 months...maybe 3 or 4 times a year...for me this is a lot. Who cares. The bottom line is my body is killing me (all joints..thank you very much) and I don't want to hear Kay whining or put up with anybody's attitude. Love Kay, don't love anybody else there really but enough is enough...they're getting on my nerves so I stayed home...yes, though I'm trying not to, I feel a bit, just a teeny bit of guilt. I know tomorrow I'll be facing the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune because of it, especially from the girl I was supposed to go to court with but it's not my case...it's hers but she's being a complete chicken shit and needs to just take care of her own shit. That's it. BTW, no I'm not an attorney...blech.

I slept until 11 which I've only done twice in the past maybe 4 years as I don't ever sleep in...ever..but today, I had to do it, I was tired, Tess was feeling cuddly, and I didn't want to face my thoughts. But really, I've been trying to stop pushing myself so hard. I sleep too little, end up doing too much during the day and then can't function for the evening portion of my days..the time that's most important as it's the part I actually enjoy the most. I spent a large part of the beginning of the day watching those baby shows on TV...bringing home baby or whatever they're called. I love watching them though I cry at the end of each one like a total fool. If I had t-vo or whatever it's called, it'd totally be on my list...for now I only enjoy it on those days I'm off.

I logged onto JCP.com and found that they no longer has a plus size maternity section...mothereffers... Pissed as they had the most normal looking clothes of all the sites...who knows if I'll ever need it but I'm a planner... Anyhow, watching those shows today makes me both hopeful and feeling a sense of desperation. A feeling like it'd be great to have a baby but also brings home the realization that it just might not happen. One couple, same sex, had a round of triplets and then were now going in for their twins...it was awesome but not something I'd particularly want. Two would be my limit I think. Anyhow, enough babble, Just wanted to touch base.

Crazy: Part......Uhh..Crazy.period.

Feeling discombobulated today..just out of sorts really like I'm crawling out of my skin. Feels similar to when I was first sick with the big C when you feel your body is going to turn itself inside out...I called it "the irritables" at the time and every once in a while, if my meds aren't right...I get them. Today I have them and really, it's my own fault...I lost a bottle of pills and had been taking the wrong dose for 2 weeks and finally started back on the right dose this past week. Not good. But that's not what's making me feel crazy..

A few weeks back....maybe about a month ago or there abouts...I mailed back the questionnaire regarding the embryo selection...that in itself, wrapping my head around that, was hard....compounding that, I haven't heard anything. I go to the mailbox every day waiting for something and of course I get bupkis..nothing..nada.. I got a bill from them today which I was expecting as I have about $15K of checks sitting here on my dresser. I'm thinking tomorrow or Wednesday I'll take a ride out there during my lunch and drive them over...I'll just ask for a half hour extra as the place is a bit far, and I have to endorse them so don't feel comfortable just mailing them. Anyhow...it's driving me crazy, and I know this is irrational but you feel what you feel, ..I feel abandoned. I feel like they (the clinice) really don't care and in truth I know they care as much as you can when you have a million clients. I've been there before, having worked in human services most of my life...you care when they're in front of you and that's human and most of the time you forget who they are..that's normal when you have large volumes of clients..that's life..but it still stings more than a little and it's harder because I'm alone I think...maybe it's just as hard if you're in a relationship but it feels harder because I'm doing this alone with no family support and just support (great support btw) from my friends. So it's making me a little crazy, even making me doubt my doctor, my clinic, it's not good. I feel crazy. On top of that I was exhausted coming home from work and tried napping but Tess won't let me sleep deep, keeps pawing at me, so I was in twilight sleep, woke up in a fog with the irritables. Drank a glass and a bit of wine which helped a little but still feel just this inner feeling of crazy.

Work hasn't helped much as though I'd never admit this...I'm having lulls...lulls where there's either little to do or I don't want to do what there is, and then at other times, we're moving at the speed of light..it's like a bipolar work environment. Kay has also been driving me crazy though I love her to pieces..I just am impatient lately and today she was just too loud and I'm crabby and that does not mix. Tomorrow I have to go out on an assignment with her and I'm not thrilled by it. I just want to sit home really but when I'm here Tess is driving me crazy. It's not that she wants more than the average but she is a bit spoiled or maybe not, and wants attention and even after I give her some she wants more and when she doesn't..I'm feeling guilty that she laying there bored. I take Tess everywhere with me except for work, OA, and doctor's appointments...I even take her to weight watchers sometimes because I feel guilty leaving her at home. She actually threw a fit yesterday when I went into a store and left her in the car...mind you I left the car and a/c running while I ran in but she threw a hissy fit stomping her feet...not attractive...snorted and everything..love her though..but I digress..she's getting on my nerves. I don't know what I want really. Just want to feel at peace.

I don't call the clinic, though I know I should already, because I don't want to hear what's next in my life and that, my friends, is the truth. I don't want to get someone else's eggs, sync myself up with this person, inject myself again to no end, and finally I don't want another negative friggin pregnancy stick. What I do want is to turn my brain off for a few days, maybe even weeks or month, and just tap out of this; tap out of the feeling of craziness, the feeling that I'll never be a woman, never be a mother, never be satisfied with my life, my body, my career, my anything without a child. If you'd of told me this in my 20's, when I swore I'd never want any, I would have said you were crazy..but alas, who's crazy now? Me...feeling unravelled for too long...my life in a seemingly never ending limbo.

I'm thinking, sometime this week, I'll take a day off or half a day or something. Just stay home and chill out. Maybe tomorrow I'll leave early. Thursday I have to take D to the doctors so I'll be going taking a few hours off from work in the morning as I take D after work and don't want Tess home alone for that long. Guilt guilt guilt...I hear people leaving their dogs with no problem, and I never thought I'd be so whatever you want to call this but then again, I have never had a dog as a single person living alone and I just don't think it's fair so...guilt wins.

Anyhow, enough of my insane babbling...I'll contact the clinic in some fashion this week. Not looking forward to it..really dreading it actually. Oh well.

Phone calls

I had my HSG scheduled for this morning. Funny how some things happen. My test was at 9 a.m. in east jabib New Jersey (not a real place btw) so I needed an hour to get there. I set my alarm for 7:30 a.m.....why this would make sense to me I have no idea. So here I am this morning cutting up Tessa's food (It comes in a block, don't ask), and I look at the clock and it says 7:45 a.m. and I think to myself...what the fuck? What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck?! was I thinking. I put down her food and water, hightail it to the shower (hello it's not like I'm going somewhere where skipping would even be an option), scrub myself all over, scrub again, rinse, brush the teeth, thank God that I had set out all my clothes, underclothes et cetera the night before, jump in it, throw some makeup on and I'm out of the house at 8a.m. ..shit. I get there with 10 minutes to spare and finally a male attendant calls me in (.....huh) and they explain he's helping as the other chick's not in but will wait outside while anything is going on and come in when he has to shoot the pics...fine. She puts the shit in, it HURTSSSSS like a motherfucker...more pain than I think I can withstand and I lay there whimpering because it's that painful. I turn, I turn the other way, I'm done. She says it all looks clear though there is some scalloping though she doesn't think this is significant in any way. I think, what the fuck is scalloping? I think of roof shingles, clothing hems and potatoes...I don't know what she's talking about but in true Gem stupidity, I don't ask...I can only think of one thing which is getting out of there, taking some advils and relieving the stress and pain...I get my films and I'm out. Okay cool beans. I leave, program my GPS to go to my doctor's office to see how far and figure out it's only 15-20 away and off I go. Drop the shit off, go grocery shopping and I'm home.

I'm putting the stuff away and my cell rings...restricted call...The chick says she's Sandra and so and so gave her my number regarding international adoption. I think to myself, "shit, really". I'm not ready. I'm not ready for this yet, I don't know. She tells me all about the process, explains it's pricey and takes about a year. She has a connection that could save me $10K...I do have to go to Haiti (UGH!!)...I get the information, thank her, call her the wrong name of course because it wouldn't be me if I didn't fuck up your name, and we hang up.

I fall asleep on the couch and wake up 2 hours later. Dr. B calls. She says the top of the uterus looks perfect however the middle appears as if there is some constriction, perhaps the fibroid is pressing on the uterus though she thinks the space is "adequate enough to carry a pregnancy". Fuck, I think, adequate is not perfect....adequate is code for maybe. Okay, where do we go from here. She asks me what I've decided and says she can't remember my choices clearly. Shit, she can't remember...I thought I was special...*sigh*..alas it appears I'm just average. Moving on from my sarcastic thoughts, I tell her I thought we were moving in the direction of donor egg with my uterus. She asks if I've made a wish list. Wish list? She says she has one donor in mind that matches my ethnicity that she's thinking of...hmmm...okay...the rest of the conversation is just basic bullshit...bullshit that still hurts but only because of what we're talking about, not because of how it's delivered. She'll have Allison the person in charge of donors call me. I thank her. I want to cry as all I can do is picture her sitting there pregnant talking to me about using one particular chicks donor eggs that she has in mind because she is my same race and I wonder if she even knows what race I am. I'm upset obviously but it's not the conversation...it's really just about a million different things, a million different difficult and painful reasons.

 I don't care what race I get which is something that someone else might care about.. but me, not so much. So it's not matchy matchy...don't care. I need the chick to have gone to college, have not done drugs, not have been a total slut or loser or unable to concentrate or given her mother hell. I want her to be smart, gentle, and sweet as I'm not fully convinced that these attributes are all gathered through nurture rather than nature. I want to know why she's giving up her eggs for 8 thousand dollars because you couldn't give me a million dollars for one itty bitty one of mine even if they are no good just because there is a possibility that my baby may be going home with you. But if it wasn't for the fact that she didn't think like me, didn't look at her eggs as too precious to give away, I'd have no chance at all. Shit. Shit, shit, shit, and shit. I guess I still haven't fully absorbed the idea of using someone else's eggs. I can't explain it really but I imagine that everyone feels this way, that this decision isn't an easy one for anybody, and that this idea, as sickening as it is, and I'm sorry to say that it is, is easier to digest than the thought of travelling to Haiti to adopt someone else's baby. That sentence, as horrible as it is in content and probably in grammar, is too true...painful, selfish, perhaps egomaniacal but true. It's how I feel, right or wrong. And I can't help but wonder, am I just grasping at straws here. Is this some bone they throw you when you want something that's never going to happen? I don't know..I don't know. I'm scared....I'm scared it's over..and I'm scared it won't work.

I wait for Allison's phone call and we'll see what that brings. Can't wait.

Family

Yesterday I spent the day with my fairy Godmother. My Godmother is one of those people who doesn't edit and doesn't edit in a loud voice. She will bring up the fact that my sister, who mistakenly felt she could share this information with her, had an abortion when she was 19 years old. Any time I spent time with her she says, so and so had an abortion, remember? I don't think that's something that anybody forgets. She also anounced during her grandson's baby shower (the fact that I had to go wasn't enough) that I'm using donor sperm and getting inseminated. Luckily nobody in the room was English speaking and I quickly told her this was private...not that I think this really makes a difference to her. Yesterday she says, so did you get inseminated? We were in the car but still, this isn't something you just blurt out. She also told me her, her son, and his wife were talking about me and how they couldn't understand why I couldn't find a man as I had such a pretty face. My usual come back for when married people say this is "why would I want to find a man and be married, so I can be as happy as you"...I don't know any happily married people. Anyhow I didn't say this, I just said, I don't want a man right now which is true, I don't. Later after this baby ordeal is resolved maybe I'll look for someone when a few years have passed. She asked me if I was pregnant and sometimes, even though I love these people and have respect for the fact that they're old and crotchedy, I still want to punch them in the nose. Have some sensitivity people. She proceeds to tell me maybe it's not God's plan for me....yes, maybe it's not but maybe it is and I tell her how I wouldn't be happy otherwise. She says that against her feelings she will pray that it happens for me (she was a nun for over 25 years..'nough said). I change the topic...a million times yesterday I change the topic and I practically kick her with my shoe out of the car in the drowning rain. I pick up her million pound dog from the back of the car and all her bags and quickly deposit them in her living room as my shirt, hair and jeans are drenched and my mascara runs down my cheeks...I don't care, I just want her out. Tess and I drive home wet as all hell but finally blissfully alone after spending about 5 hours with her getting her dog and my Tess groomed. Today we go to my uncle's for a barbecue. I always go when he invites us as it's the only family gathering that is actually enjoyable and I think this is mostly due to the fact that both he and his wife push drinks on everyone all day long and everyone ends up buzzed and happy..me included. I get there and am served cheap wine with ice in a paper cup and promptly proceed to get drunk. I'm a wine drinker and no, it's usually not with ice or in a paper cup but for whatever reason, whenever I go there, I drink it the way they want to serve me and enjoy it...I go with D ahead of the other sibs who are also going and meet my mother and our old neighbor who are already there. Our old neighbor is like family and  she's known all of us our whole lives. She had 4 children herself, 3 girls and a boy and the girls all died young from different illnesses and the boy was the only one who survived. This lady is like a Saint though she is nowhere nears a bright woman, she is an absolutely kind woman and D refers to her as Grandma and always has as she's known D since they dropped D off from the foster agency. Anyhow, she's not well these days and I think she is soon going to die. I just have that feeling. I love her to death and when I lived at home she would come over every week and clean my room for me, empty my ashtrays, and the like and I could always count on her to help me in a way I couldn't with my mother. I sat next to her and she explained she wasn't feeling well but had a doctor's appointment next month...I tell her to call the doctor tomorrow...I know she's not well. She asks me if I have any luck with the baby situation and I explain that I don't. She tells me, well, if it's meant to be it'll happen. And this makes me feel better. I always feel like she has a direct connection to God..have you ever met that kind of person? Too good for this earth? This is her. I remember her cooking one day in my mother's kitchen and her saying that the pot would not boil and she finally says, wait, I'll fix it...she takes the spoon and taps the pot in the sign of the cross and doesn't that mother boil. My sister and I couldn't believe it and she continued on as if this was perfectly normal. She's special and although I don't spend as much time with her as I used to, I'll miss her when she's gone. On the other side of me sat my cousin's girlfriend. My cousin, who is 40 mind you, has been dating this girl over 10 years but never proposed. She says she doesn't want to marry either but tonight when she was ribbed with this as usual she says it but it lacks conviction and I, in my ghetto wine stupor, say to her listen, if nothing else, have your babies, whatever you have to do have your babies. I whisper this as my sibs are across from me and my sister says to her, don't listen to whatever she's saying, she's drunk. I tell her, I may be drunk but I'm telling her the truth and she says next year and I make her promise me this is true and I tell her I'm going to check on her. She's 35..next year is a good time though this year is better. I tell her, your eggs grow old and those hollywood ladies are using somebody else's so don't think that doctors have a magic wand. She says she knows...we'll see. I had a nice time with her and my cousin, her boyfriend who is the only cousin geographically close to us and one of the only cousins we grew up with. It was real nice. It felt like we really had family. My cousin agreed that it was hard not to have family here in the U.S.. and it really is. It's why neighbors and Godmothers become family members because there's nobody else around.
The night ended with a trip to facebook to see what is up and one of the girls from high school who was pregnant had her baby. A little girl and may God bless. As usual it hurt only a little but the pain is long lasting. C'est la vie.

To test or not to test ..that is the question?

As I explained I bought a 3 pack of pregnancy tests yesterday though I had thought to myself I would only do one the day before I go to the doctor to kind of burst that bubble of hope and begin the grieving process if that is the process that needs to be begun.. I want to test. I want to test so bad. I went to acupuncture today and my doctor was shocked that 5 were put back in. Both of her kids were born via IVF after 40 is that a coincidence or what...yes it's a coincidence as I don't believe in signs any more. So she did her thing over me and I fell into a semi sleep. Today she put 3 needles in my head...a first as it's usually just one in my head, one in the forehead and other's scattered about...she said she needed me to get rid of all the crazy thinking swimming through my head and the proccupation and I dont' know if it's just psychosomatic but I actually felt so much clearer and at rest emotionally leaving there..I'm grateful though the one thing that continues to swim through my head is that I do want to test. She asked if I wanted an appointment for Saturday but seeing as I go to the doctor on Friday and will probably be a wreck on Saturday I told her next Wednesday same bat time same bat channel was fine.
I went to work today and I was feeling so scattered and crazy and even when Mattie came in, who usually grounds me in certain respects, I still felt scattered and unfocused so I called up my doctor to see if I could come in earlier which was fine and I left work early for the day. Of course as I'm walking into the building of my doctor's office I get a call from work that made my blood boil but whateva....better blood boiling out on my own than in that hell hole. I came home and made myself an early dinner as I was starving and slept for a little interrupted by a few panicked phone calls from "D" and scratching at my legs from Tess who did not want me to sleep...I want to sleep people!!! Can't seem to ever sleep uninterrupted either by others or by my own demons swimming in my head. I'm not sure if I mentioned that I'm not a sleeper. I think it contributes to many of my problems in my life, my grouchiness, my overeating, my constant fatigue. I have always wished to be one of those people who can go down for 7 or 8 hours straight....I will occasionally get 6 but it's never straight through....Anyhow, I'm tired all the time and naps don't seem to fare any better for me. I'm babbling now. I think I'll test in the morning and then once after work tomorrow. I'll tell you the truth though...I don't think I am. I don't think I'll ever be but that's our little secret I suppose. I don't even want the best part of myself to know that. It's too sad really and the best part of me deserves a little hope.

Wow upside down

"Wow upside down" is the code name we use for my mother when she's within earshot(genius I know..sigh). I was just there and I can't remember a time whenever I've come back from there when I felt good about myself. Today was no different.  There've been times when I thought it was me and my fault and I'll admit I contribute as I won't let shit just go...but I know it's mostly the insanity of what is my family. This weekend my youngest sibling, the one with th history of a breakdown decided that they couldn't come....it was just too much for them as they'd been traumatized from last weekend but last minute decided to change their mind....shortly regretted it...when I tell you the situation ain't easy it ain't.  The thing is my mother...she's not your typical mother and never has been really...had a bad childhood .....a fact we were (or I should say are) reminded of on a regular basis growing up and until this day it is a main topic of conversation for her....can't see that anyone else has suffered...just her...will dismiss anybody else's pain saying hers is or was worse. You bring up that you went to the doctor and are having such and such a problem...she will only acknowledge to say she went and hers is worse...always whatever she is going through, went through is worse...is a miser and would like you to pay for everything..never mind that not a one of us is married and has someone to share the bills with and any opportunity she has is trying to get you to do something for her... every. opportunity. every. single. one. And this applies to anyone. Has lost contact with many people who no longer wish to speak to her as she will squeeze the life from you ....never asks how you are..nothing. My older sib explains it like this...if it has nothing to do with her..it's not important. Sadly this is about 99%  true. I love her but it ain't easy and she's one of those people that if you try and sit down to talk to them about it gets so defensive that she ends up making you feel like you are the lowest piece of shit ever. I find I am similar to her in some respects which scares the shit out of me. I acknowledge but don't accept and have to make a conscious effort to be aware. I do care about others and definitely don't think my life has been the worst and am told I'm a pretty good listening so it's none of those things..but I tend to be a bit argumentative (maybe more than a bit) and can at times be a bit of a know it all not including anything at work of course (duh and shit). Anyhow, I left there telling her a joke to make myself feel better and run run running to the safety of my own place, wtih my own things, done my own way, with nobody asking me to do anything except for Tess who seems to always want me to play play play and I just really don't feel like it lately. The reality of it is, that my mother will drive you crazy and we as the twisted "children" who are full of resentments make the situation worse. She can't help herself as she can't see her behavior but we can see our but for some reason can't seem to be able to control ourselves...I know I'm not explaining it right it's just a weird family phenomenon that happens when we're with her and everyone ends up miserable including her...very frigging healthy.
Anyhow, on the IVF front, I have been feeling no different than any other day, actually less symptomatic than the last two week wait and I can't help but think this is a failure...positive thinking I know but it's honest if nothing else. I'm not sure if I mentioned that the anesthesiologist was quite intrigued by my job and for whatever reason as it was somewhat of a stretch, related it to the movie the Shawshak redemption....would not stop talking about the friggin movie and I couldn't help but think back to that episode of "Friends" where Phoebe (if you know the show) is having triplets and the OBGYN keeps referring back to episodes of Happy Days and the Fonz...I mean the guy would not get off of Shawshank Redemption..even Kay thought it was weird. He was nice though so he was forgiven...so of course after my lovely time at my mother's I come home flick on the boob and sure enough...Hello Morgan Freeman! Shawshank..of course. It's not a sign though it's just a coincidence. Last time I was in the 2 week waiting period I kept bumping into picks of Bradley Cooper...significant because my donor supposedly resembles Bradley Cooper...I kept thinking maybe it was a sign but obvioulsy it meant nothing other than Mr. Copper sure is popular...same thing with Shawshank but when I spoke to Kay we laughed like idiots...you gotta ask yourself...what the fuck man? Really? So that's that. So yes, my donor looks like Bradley Copper and also supposedly looks like the blonde guy with the long hair from Lost...not the hobbit guy the other hot one. This is normally not my taste of men and initially I had picked someone completely different...average looking but then I said hell, if I'm going to pick from all these choices..I'm picking the creme de la creme...someone who would never sleep with me in real life and the truth is looks matter so if I have to give this kid no father, at least let me give the kid a fighting chance in the looks department...Kay who helped me agreed..pick the most gorgeous one you can find and Bradley Cooper was it (truthfully, I had to look him up as I'm not a celebrity drooler). Don't know what the combo of me and him would look like but I'm sure it would beat me picking someone that looks like Howdie Doodie (my first choice was red haired and I later learned incedibly freckled, which combined with my freckles would be a Hell No!).
I had Sunday night anxiety tonight which I don't think I've had in a while....all because I gotta go back tomorrow. I just don't like work right now as I'm dealing with too many statistical shit and it always throws me for a loop...should have been an accountant with all the number shit I have to do and I'm not good at it at all. Sucks. I wish I knew the job better...I know this must sounds strange that I supervise people doing a job I know very little about but it is what it is...it's the effed up position I'm in right now and have been for a few years. I've learned a ton about it since taking over but if you've never actually had to do the work then it's all just theory really..sucks..did I mention that? sucks.

Yeah, this will work..

I'm supposed to be staying stress free and zen but I believe I mentioned I promised my Godmother to take her dog to the groomer. So I call her tonight and tell her it's going to be earlier than planned and please be dressed in case you have to go with and the dogs aren't getting along (they've never met). She tells me she has other plans with her neighbor to take her other dog and yes, she is 81 with 2 dogs less than a year old each ..one of which is a pit bull...only my Godmother...anyhow, I understand but I have to handle these two dogs and get to the doctor...she tells me her dog is black with dirt. Hmmmm...trying to figure out how not to be totally gross by the time I get to the doctor. So the plan is pick up her dog, it's some kind of cockapoo or labapoo or something..fairly large curly haired white dog, keep my tiny Tess from killing her dog and drive to East Jabib where my groomer is located than go across the county to my doctor's appointment..try to fit in either some shopping (as I desperately need new pants) or a massage (as I just received a million gift certificates for my birthday - actually I got 5 of them..woo hoo for me). After that pick the dogs back up, drop off my Godmom's, run home and change to go to dinner for my mother's birthday which is also happening in East Jabib..next state over (not my idea obviously). Today was also a run run run day. Did work. Got a call to trigger tonight at 9...really 9? That's smack in the middle of my night chaos. And will be going into the clinic at 8:30 on Sunday. So of course I get a call to pick up one of my siblings tonight at 7:30 p.m. which is the usual time. Sibling wants to run into the pharmacy. We are now looking at 8:30 p.m. and thankfully I threw in the HCG shot into my laundry bag just in case I didn't make it home in time which obviously was not going to happen. Get to my mother's to drop sibling off and at precisely 9:01 p.m. as it has to be on the dot..I inject myself in my mother's powder room...gross..I hate my mother's house...but in it went. So I ran today, will be running around tomorrow and Sunday will have to get up at the crack of ass to drop Tess off, come back home, and have Kay pick me up at 7:40 a.m. giving us just the right amount of time to get to the Doctor's by 8:30 a.m. Marathon weekend as usual but it is what it is and I'm more relaxed than I've been in a while so that's that. I've been trying to not focus on the things that I don't have and trying not to be jealous of others. Trying not to think about PFace and Asshole and the fact that their baby is here by now...the same month I had calculated mine would come had the first try worked..weird how shit like that happens. It's okay really...hurts but it's okay though please God and I know I've said this before, but please God, just send me my baby...don't make me lust after everything. Maybe this is sick..not sure but it's how I feel and really I think it's normal so...

Sheesh!!

My schedule is kicking my ass!! This morning I went to go see Dr. B...had to be there at 7 in order to try to get to work on time which meant getting up at 5:15 a.m. and of course, I was late to work any ol' way as the doctor's office took extra long..can't win. So I go in, bloodwork, vaginal sonogram (yes perhaps TMI but alas that's what the blog's about) and she says retrieval probably Saturday or Sunday...Hoping for Sunday because my schedule sucks and I have a friggin meeting Tuesday afternoon that I really should not miss as they've been planning it for what seems like forever. Go to work...I'm dying as I haven't been able to sleep on the Lupron and I'm wiped. Decide I'm going home early and when I'm just about home I get a call from the doctor's office..."she wants to see you tomorrow at 8:30"...yeah, I start work at 8...nobody cares...they'll see me at 8:30..call the boss as I'm aware we have a meeting in the a.m. who says "but I wanted to discuss the (bullshit bullshit) tomorrow'..she catches herself and says Oh, well it's medical..we'll be here when you get in..yeah thought so...and in the house I go to say hi to Tess and try to chill for a minute but it's off to the races again tomorrow and I'm beat! Meds were decreased at least for tomorrow. They'd changed my meds on Monday from Lupron 20cc BID, Follistim 300 AM, and Menopur 150 HS to Lupron BID and all other meds AM and today they canged them again omitting the Menopur in the AM until the doctor sees me. My abdomen looks like a globe as it is all blue and green and I'm running out of areas to inject that don't hurt..I'm also bruised from the acupuncture and my carpal tunnel sydnrome is killing me...Don't even care!...just hoping hoping hoping... I was also hoping to schedule acupuncture for after the embryo transfer but I have to cut myself a break as I can't get everything synchronized perfectly and stress about it...This weekend I also have a groomer's appointment for Tess and I also told my (fairy) Godmother (she's 81 and can't do it) that I would take her dog. My groomer squeezed that dog in so I can't back out as, if you have a dog that needs grooming, you know that appointments are extremely hard to come by last minute especially if you have a good groomer so ..onward. Worse comes to worse I'll have to ask my sibling to jump in and help me..Fuck! That'll go over like a lead pipe...gotta rest but can't seem to stop the madness and with work there's only so far I can push it. I took off Wednesday and Thursday of next week as if I call out 3 days in a row I need a note from my doctor and I don't want them knowing my shit so I figured take these two days off as vacation days and if you have to call out sick.....you get the picture..Anyhow, that's it..I'm going to try and catch some ZZZZ's today with Tess and just chill...hope Tess isn't a pain and let's me actually rest. If I could drink I would as it helps me snooze but alas... Anyhow, that's it for now..just wanted to update.

Single?

Today like I said earlier, I had to take Tess to the groomer. While she was being groomed I went to get a massage I mentioned I'd been scheduled for ..which was awesome until Mattie showed up and fell asleep and began to snore so loudly nobody could relax...I mean it was loud in a place that is very dark and quiet with just little dainty music playing..man snoring stands out and even the masseuse seemed annoyed. Anyhow..the lady next to me was...drum roll please...pregnant..of course!.. but I made a conscious decision not to let it interfere with my peace..my fairy Godmother always reminds me that, "You never let people interrupt your Peace" and so I moved past it...the snoring on the other hand was not ignorable..next time..I go alone. Anyhow I go to get Tess and call ahead as that's the routine only to learn he needs one more hour..ugh..I go get pizza as at this point it's after 1 p.m. and I haven't had breakfast burn my mouth on the frigging thing and of course bump into someone I know that I can't quite recall how I know..How this happens when I went to a hole in the wall pizza place in a seedy part of the county is beyond but there you have it. Did I mention I tend to hang out in seedier areas so as not to be noticed?? No? Well, yup I do. So, because I had more time to kill, I drove on over to the local Pier 1 store...how it stays open with so few customers is beyond but it's been there for what seems like forever ... So I go in and see a guy..cute I think..he smells a candle puts it down I hear a girl say to him..this matches our so and so and realize he's part of a set....he answers 'Oh yeah it does' or some such nonsense and I can't help but think..you really give a shit that it matches? but whatever I move on and as I walk I'm thinking..where did this part of my life go..the part where you meet someone and move in together and pick out shit together and build a home because it just never happened for me..not once and I know some girls who it's happened for what seems like a million times..so I move to the back of the store away from these two..the only two I'd seen in the store..but as I move to the back I see a teenager..she was extremely petite but I saw she was with her mom who stood what seemed like about 4'10'' and figure oh this girl is older than she looks..probably getting ready for college. She is looking at the door hooks and her mom says..this would look cute on the back of your door for your robe and your towel..she answers and I realize I guessed wrong..she's still too young for college..about 15 I would guess..she picks out a pretty pink one and explains something to her mom to which her mom says.."no, I gottcha"..a mom that seemed to be trying to stay hip with her daughter and it made me realize...daughters and sons! they trump men any ol' day of the week! Made me feel much better about being "single"..

Fears, worries and whining..ugh.

I'm getting closer and closer to my period coming and last night I actually had a dream that it had come and it was a Friday, the day I least want my period to show up because the clinic is closed and you have to wait til Monday to be seen. In my dream I got my period as I was getting ready for work and I looked at the clock and thought if I say fuck it to work and leave now maybe they can still see me...but it brought on a feeling of anxiety and I guess it just goes to show how fearful and anxious I am about this cycle. I was reading my insurance bill last night and they sent me another $9,000+ dollar check for the doctor and I can't help but think how fast my cap has gone..I'm not even sure I'm covered for this cycle which is a hard pill to swallow. I just put in $2500 into my car yesterday and also purchased another vial of sperm last week...just one as I know how the money situation is but then again don't want to cheap out on myself and have regrets later but where do you draw the line financially? I don't want to get myself in a situation from which I can never recover. It's all just overwhelming and scary. Did I mention that I made an appointment with the acupuncturist? I did..initial fee is $175 and though I could file it as an out of network..my deductible this year went up to $1,000...this to me sounds all like I'm playing with monopoly money. I've never been a person who spent freely and didn't budget carefully..thank God as it's saved my ass a million times..not to mention it's also saved other family member's asses..to be in a hole like this is just unbelievably scary but to not have a child is scarier so...
Aside from all the financial fears is the inevitable fear that it just might not happen. It's just a pit in my stomach thinking this just might not happen and then what do you do? A million dollars in bills, no baby and stuck in a fucked up job...too much to think about as I want to try and keep things as positive as I can...how am I doing? Awful I know..gotta keep praying. I wish there was a sign that it was all going to be alright..childish but it's how I feel.
So today I am off to take Tess to the groomers and am meeting Mattie (at her insistence) at the foot massage place...I don't want to go but I keep putting her off and I think it's upsetting to her so...It'll help me relax and it's only $28 so...but after that...watching the pennies again..Ugh.

Money

Tess was sick today. Sick that she wouldn't eat and this isn't the first time this has happened. Last time I believe the grand total for a weekend of vet bills was about $4K..yes that's $4,000..so today when Tess ignored her food, ignored her favorite..peanut butter and other faves..I began to sweat...no peeing, no pooping, no eating and I thought to myself.. please Tess, please don't get sick right now when I have the car repair guaranteed to be at least $2,400 and I've got medical bills coming and I almost emptied my savings..please Tess. At around 8:30 I gave her a pill that helps with nausea and stimulates her appetite..the last of the pills left over from when she was sick...she ate..thank God. She is now happily chewing on a bully stick and acting normal. The worst part of having a teeny tiny dog is that they're so fragile...I didn't know she'd be teeny tiny when I got her...figured she'd be about 10 pounds...nope...half of that with a super sensitive stomach and an allergy to certian meat..can you imagine!? Ugh...that was another $6k to figure out..I've in total spent approximately $12k just getting this dog healthy and she's not even healthy she's just okay for now...but I love her so..what's a girl to do and she's all I've got for now so..
I took my other baby..my truck ..to the shop tonight and dropped her off..had the "check blah blah blah" light go on last night on top of whatever is wrong with her and the signal also just broke...the poor thing is falling apart but alas I've ridden her hard. She's been my sad car...a car I purchased getting over asshole; a poor attempt to cheer myself up and one I couldn't quite afford at the time...a car that saw me through all my cancer treatments, and going back and forth to graduate school when I should have been laying in bed, and getting lost when my memory was affected and all the trauma with "D" and now this..my long drives to the fertility clinics in the morning at the crack of ass ..the car has seen me through some of the worst parts of my life as an adult and it's taken a licking and kept on ticking..a good rough truck..who by the way my sibling informed me last night I was too "old" to be driving...yeah yeah so says the person who's never purchased their own car in their life and still drives one purchased by their Pappy! please. Anyhow, am hoping they can really fix it and that I don't have to buy another car..I can't buy another car right now..just want to focus on getting pregnant and I need all my pennies for that. Just read somewhere tonight that I can deduct the sperm purchases on my taxes though I think it's only if it equals a certain amount of what you earn per year...I'm going to try and look into it though as every bit counts.
Anyhow, in for a long day tomorrow as there are a slew of interviews we are doing back to back tomorrow...fun fun...and whoever gets the job will probably still be employed while the lot of us hauling ass get lay offs..hope not but time will tell. Truthfully, there's a part of me that doesn't even care about that..just give me my baby..I'll work at Mickey Dees and make it work just give me my baby..

Walking, praying, and talking to myself

Just came back from a walk with Tess...just around the complex. Said my prayers on my way around..just felt like crying and I started a conversation with the Big Guy in order to avoid waterworks and decided to make it official and say all my prayers. Was a little worried that someone would see me talking to myself but my need to beg overrode any fear that the neighbors would think I had lost it. I've taken to just pleading with God for help with this...it's a desperation I've felt at other moments of my life..uncomfortable, and humbling and I just need this pain to end; I need for this to happen for me. I fear that perhaps I want it too desperately to happen..that I'll drive myself to an emotionally distraught state that will contribute to my difficulty in conceiving and I tellyou, my job ain't helping. Really..how can you go to a million meetings in a week, make a million lists of shit for different people, have piles and piles of mail to read, and actually get your work done...how does this happen? I don't know. I can't even get to the mail part of it...it's too much..just too much work and I see the other supervisor..the one from "the incident" chilling all day doing nothing..literally doing nothing..but really, who gives a fuck..I'm just trying to do me and focus on what I have to do and not lose it. It's easier for me when Mattie is there. I don't know if it's because she's older or because she's black and 'street' that people tend not to mess with me when she's in the office. This isn't in my head as I mentioned it to Kay who said she'd noticed this to be true too, that people don't mess with me when she's there...actually tend to not come into my office..love it!!.. She's not menacing in any way you just know she won't take your shit..don't know how I know this you just do. She is very helpful to me emotionally and I feel protected with her there with me..an odd feeling really that she does this...the poor woman is getting paid literally minimum wage and alternates between a 20 hour week and a 4 hour week..4 hour weeks are hard..this is a 4 hour week. I'm lucky to have her. She reminds me so much of my fairy godmother..though my fairy godmother was never a crack addict..actually was the complete opposite having spent a significant portion of her life in the convent. Anyhow, she came when I needed an Angel and a protector and I felt that right off. Funny how things happen. When she first met me (as a client and no, I don't remember) she said I was a total witch..surprise! and then when she interviewed and saw it was me she said she thought in her head "great, I'm screwed" but that's not how it happened. She didn't realize I was only cold as we interviewed with my boss with whom I'm always cold and standoffish...as soon as she moved into my office..I set her up and she said it was like meeting a different person. Ha ha!! I was protective of her from the jump as my staff thought she was going to be their little slave until I explained she is only there to help me..not them..Mattie was grateful as have I mentioned I work with bitches..and she got this the first day in...actually had a confrontation with one and said "I'll fix her"..I said how? she said, "I'm going to pray for her"..deep huh? Now nobody gives her work but me or she can request work from a few people if she chooses..that's how it goes.. Truth is she really sucks as a helper. She does stamp in my mail and alphabetize it though I use the term alphabetize loosely...oh well...don't really care. She also has tasks that she refuses to do for me as she simply hates them...don't care. I often think that she's a little blessing sent to help me as she came, like I said, when I needed someone and also helps me with navigating the 12 step process..she has over 20 years clean and sober...though I'll admit I get annoyed with her when she acts greedy or too ghetto, hate the smell of her lotion and I mean hate! and I end up squished in my office having to share with her..I'm the only one who shares but this was my choice... and in truth I have a pretty big office so I'm not really that squished it's just I have a lot of shit so having her in there is sometimes too full. But I couldn't leave her out there exposed to the wolves..not that she can't take care of herself but it would be different fighting styles and these bitches are clever... So there you have it..my story on Mattie.
I've been so teary this week it's been hard to be at work and I have had a million and one things to try and get done. I guess I should be grateful for the distractions. It's just that work is so unpleasant. One of the girls approached me today on an innocent comment I made yesterday just asked me what my motivation was in sharing with her...duh ass, just to share..when I explained that perhaps I overshared she said that I never share and am always guarded..you think? Hmmm..made one remark and I'm getting cross-examined..can't imagine what it'd be like if I spoke freely. Anyhow, this is just a rant and babble..I know it's not interesting but it's what's floating in my head..Shit, just remember I forgot to buy sperm today..fuck. This is how my mind is lately just air headed..My car goes in the shop Monday and though I've only been without it one day..I miss it terribly. There's nothing like your own car that you know like the back of your hand and mine is an oldie but a goody..people ask me if I don't plan to buy a new one and the only way that'll happen is if a baby is coming then for safety reason it might be a good idea and if you saw my car you'd know what I mean..an old truck and it ain't smooth..love it. Am driving my families old car which drives opposite of mine, like you're floating..but doesn't have working wipers, working radio, and can turn off unexpectedly and sometimes not turn back on so..want my car back..
Okay, enough babbling..
Oh, I have a little crush..not sure I mentioned..saw him yesterday and we spoke briefly..cute..wish I was back to my good weight and then I'd go for it but right now feeling gross..but it's nice to feel like a woman sometimes and lately with the whole body, weight, no baby, et cetera phenomenon..so don't feel like a woman.

Just trying to roll but ..

Work blew today. Totally took away whatever relaxed state I'd been able to reach during the weekend. Walked in positive..talked to too many staff that fuck with you and act like idiots not recognizing that the consequences of their behavior will ultimately fall on you add a smart ass condescending biotch to the mix and voila..headache and feeling like it was a bad day. I tried not to dwell on it and really, part of the problem is I think I'm too sensitive and that others are too insensitive. I hate my job so much..I really do. Not the job, no it's not the job, it's the people I work with. A bunch of idiots who all believe they're underappreciated geniuses. Guess what asspirins!? you are just average!!! Average! I just wish they'd leave me alone and do their work and stop the bitching. I know..I'm one to talk..here I am bitching..but it's not the actual work I'm bitching about..it's the need for every single ("subordinates" mind you) questioning everything you do and then coming up with some snarky remark back...just on the cusp of disrespectful and abusive so you can't really do shit about it. Anyway, that's my rant and I had to get it out of my system. I started going through all my shit this weekend. Got rid of two garbage bags full of clothes and cleaned out all the cupboards in the kitchen. Gonna try and do the hallway closets this coming weekend along with all the paperwork shredded as soon as the heavy duty shredder I purchased is delivered. It was on sale for 120 which is stil a ton of money but I've gone through 2 shit shredders and enough is enough..I just need to put a little money into it and get a real shredder that'll do the job and get it over with. I have an accumulation of paperwork that I've allowed to amass for fear of identity theft and a bad case of carpal tunnel that doesn't allow me to just rip it up so hopefully I'll get all this crap out of my house and I can get someone to come paint and maybe list this thing and get it out of my hair. Though it pains me not to have something to deduct..this thing is holding me down and unless I have a kid, there's no reason to own really..well, that's debatable as I was raised to not believe in throwing your money away which is what renting is but..this is too much already and it's keeping me locked into my job. If I could find something cheaper I can rent, start really socking it to my student loans and within the next few years find my way outta this joint and outta my job. If there's a baby coming then that's different..that'd be a reason to sacrifice...send the kid to private school and day care and that sort of thing. Speaking of making a kid, I went online last night to cryo and it showed that my guy only had a few vials left which I thought was odd as he usually sells out quick and I thought he hadn't had anything in since December. I called today thinking..holy shit he dropped a new load and I missed it but he's out of stuff. More is coming Wednesday and I think I'll buy another vial or maybe two...they raised the price to 614 or some such number...all for some friggin sperm. Oh well..that's the price and I don't have any so..Anyhow, that's enough of my babbling...off I go to chill with Tess.