Cough, cough, sick

I called out today. Why? Because frankly, I didn't want to go in. I'm tired of hearing people griping, and on top of that there was a case in court today that I didn't want to attend...shit happens. I felt guilty for a minute and then I said fuck it. All the bitches call out left and right and today, I did it. I used to say I hardly ever call out sick but I don't know how true that is anymore. I probably call out, maybe every 3-4 months...maybe 3 or 4 times a year...for me this is a lot. Who cares. The bottom line is my body is killing me (all joints..thank you very much) and I don't want to hear Kay whining or put up with anybody's attitude. Love Kay, don't love anybody else there really but enough is enough...they're getting on my nerves so I stayed home...yes, though I'm trying not to, I feel a bit, just a teeny bit of guilt. I know tomorrow I'll be facing the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune because of it, especially from the girl I was supposed to go to court with but it's not my case...it's hers but she's being a complete chicken shit and needs to just take care of her own shit. That's it. BTW, no I'm not an attorney...blech.

I slept until 11 which I've only done twice in the past maybe 4 years as I don't ever sleep in...ever..but today, I had to do it, I was tired, Tess was feeling cuddly, and I didn't want to face my thoughts. But really, I've been trying to stop pushing myself so hard. I sleep too little, end up doing too much during the day and then can't function for the evening portion of my days..the time that's most important as it's the part I actually enjoy the most. I spent a large part of the beginning of the day watching those baby shows on TV...bringing home baby or whatever they're called. I love watching them though I cry at the end of each one like a total fool. If I had t-vo or whatever it's called, it'd totally be on my list...for now I only enjoy it on those days I'm off.

I logged onto JCP.com and found that they no longer has a plus size maternity section...mothereffers... Pissed as they had the most normal looking clothes of all the sites...who knows if I'll ever need it but I'm a planner... Anyhow, watching those shows today makes me both hopeful and feeling a sense of desperation. A feeling like it'd be great to have a baby but also brings home the realization that it just might not happen. One couple, same sex, had a round of triplets and then were now going in for their twins...it was awesome but not something I'd particularly want. Two would be my limit I think. Anyhow, enough babble, Just wanted to touch base.

You feel what you feel

I'm having one of those days. It's the kind of day where you wake up too sensitive for anything really and I had to delete one of the blogs I follow. I've found that this happens too often for me..when their dreams have come true and I can't stand to read it because deep inside my chest there is a little voice that speaks the truth too loudly, that tells me most likely, this dream will not be mine. Is this pessimistic? I think more realistic.. In truth my brutal honesty is a way I both protect myself and slowly torture myself...the feeling that if I don't build up the hope it'll hurt less but really, I've found that the feeling is still devastating..whether you expected it or not. So today, one more blog got hidden for lack of my capability to figure out how to delete it entirely. It's weird really; there are some people who have a baby and it doesn't bother me at all..in fact I follow a blog where they had a little boy and nothing but joy there in my heart..really. But some people, who didn't struggle or appeared not to, not so much. I even had to get rid of one chick who struggled like a mother effer, had a preemie and actually blogged about how upsetting it is to have missed the last few months of pregnancy. I get it, I get that you didn't get the whole thing and your baby is sick but that you missed the last few months of pregnancy...but listen, let's get our shit straight and focus on the half full.

I have a friend on facebook. I met her as she was/is trying to conceive with donor sperm, though she's married. She has only done ICSI and has to space it out until her and her hubby can save up the pennies for each try. I would never dare bitch to anyone how my insurance sucks and poor me that I only got to try ICSI 3 times and IVF 4 times on my insurance's dime....I'll bitch there's not baby for me, no husband or partner for me, that I'll bitch about, but let's get a little perspective on what people miss out on...a few months of pregnancy and your baby is struggling to live...I'd bitch about the struggling to live part..not the missed months of pregnancy. Shit. But that's me and how I feel, and she feels what she feels, and really, who the fuck am I? Nobody...but I delete them so they don't aggravate the crap out of me.

I've been obsessing lately about what other people got, what I didn't get, shit at work and all kinds of stuff. I think it's because my period is coming and this was the last week of work for the layed off people (Asshole) who I promised myself I would not obsess about, ask about, talk about, et cetera but...and this is not one of those "everything after but is bullshit"...this is a legitimate but...Diana came over and told me Asshole information. Asshole will be working where my sibling D spends D's day. Not only did Diana mention this but yesterday while speaking to a friend she mentioned him, him losing the job, where he was going, and how he and Pface had a baby...said it 3 times to me as if I was old and deaf and then asked me if I heard her, and no I wasn't asking any questions...she was more or less going down a list....it's like he haunts me I swear. So...I'm putting these few words about it here and then I have to stop. No more! No more as it's just too hard and it's too hard for me to realize the extent of my obsessive thoughts and to know that, like any other woman, I'm human to falling prey to the wiles of a man and the fantasies we make up in our heads. In truth, I know it would have never worked out. I have a penchant for losers and perhaps it's a blessing that I'm single..Who knows. Only God I suppose.

So that's it for now. It's raining like hell here and I'd originally had plans to go to Jersey for a barbecue but that's out the window. Fine, fine. Didn't want to go any ol' way.

A little of this and that

Today was one of those days that just wouldn't quit...it was like a mine field of shit at work..never ending and completely exhausting to get through. I think I fucked up at one point and am sure will hear about it on Monday but there were just too many people with too many issues and too many phone calls and too many crisis'. Just an ass kicker and it wasn't one of those days where you kick ass and take numbers..it was just more like holy shit this is kicking my ass and when is it gonna stop. I felt bad as I snapped at Kay at one point. I just didn't want to hear another whine or whimper from anybody and I just needed people to pull their shit together and haul ass and do it right, or at least give it your best shot. Oh well, c'est la vie..what the fuck can you do about it really? Came home and crashed and then went and picked up the sib and went to my mother's. Fine..I'm exhausted.

I don't think I mentioned here or maybe I did, that I haven't been feeling well and for reasons I'm not going to get into right now I am changing general practictioners and have an appointment with a new nurse practictioner on Wednesday. I know my levels are off or some such shit as I can barely make it through the work day, I'm that tired, and having mega issues with my hands and arms and can barely turn my neck..taking breaks as I type because that's where we're at. Been taking a nap each day after work and sleeping hard..it's just not good..am more exhausted than I've been in a long time in a way that's not normal. Gotta get it checked out.

Anyhow, I have more to say about the babymakingshit but right now I don't even want to think about it...just not in a place for it. I will say this as this is what's in the forefront; I don't want to see my RE. Why? Because she's probably very much along and I can't face that. I don't want to face it. Hopefully I won't have to; either they'll find an egg donor after she gives birth or I do it with the other little Canadian guy. I think if I see her I'll cry, not with jealousy I don't think just with the exasperation and frustration of it all.

TGIF

I didn't hear from the girl who offered the eggs after I turned her down in an email...why email? Because we met on the Cryo site and have never spoken in person. I don't want to hurt her as I value the friendship that we've formed but I'm a painfully realistic type of person...if you can't get pg with your eggs I really can't put my money on them either. Kills me as the chick is super nice and any other time the answere would have been a quick and loud yes.

Today was an extremely difficult day at work. I had given most of my staff the day off in one of the areas I work in though thankfully had all my staff in another area (these two areas have nothing to do with each other btw so it's not like they can interchange tasks). Anyhow, I ended up doing work I haven't done in a long time and really, I don't have the patience for it any more. Aside from the patience issue, I get interrupted about a trillion times, my phone wasn't working, and the area that was staffed was having major issues. Kicked my ass today but it felt good to have my juices flowing...felt like I was still alive, that the brain was still working. I was frustrated and glad it was over but also glad to know that I still have it, that I can still do the dirty work.. My job is in human services though not what you'd typically consider human services...you have to be on your toes and guess people's moves, what they're thinking, or be able to get information from them..exhausting. Exhausting, interesting, sad,...it's a lot of things and Mattie, who really had never worked in this type of environment acts as if she finds it as juicy as a soap opera. I guess I'm somewhat jaded as I've worked with the low of the low for too long..to me it's like watching a soap episode except it's the same shit and predictable every day...sometimes the scenes are coming fast and furiously throughout the day and other times you're getting trickles of the show but it's the same fricking show, with the same cast of clowns, pulling the same bullshit move, hurting each other like crazy, using their kids to hurt each other like crazy, being shitty parents...just fucking up each other's lives in general. I'll be honest and say there is a part of my job that I'm not well versed in...that really I have only a little clue about...fucked up huh? I was kind of thrown into it and so I just kind of wing it and do the best I can...so crazy really. If I was more familiar with it, more confident in what I'm doing, I'd probably enjoy it more but it's one of those jobs with too many nuances to do by just observing and I can't really jump in and do it in a way that I'd really be able to learn it...so I'm stuck in this sort of limbo..it is what it is. I'm thankful for the job and though it's not what I wanted to be "when I grew up" it's good enough. A therapist once said to me that loving what you do for a living is a luxury and I believe that's partly true...definitely true in this economy I suppose. Anyhow....

I ate like a pig today and am not looking forward to WW on Sunday as I know it's gone up. I start off the week with the best of intentions and then I fuck it all up..sucks. I'm eating less than I was before but nowhere near my points target that WW wants. Haven't called Rachel either. I don't know what holds me back...my insecurity mostly and a feeling that I won't be successful.  I want what that chick Rachel has..the clean time with the weight loss but I can't find the courage... What a wuss I am, huh?

Tomorrow is another day...tomorrow I'm back on the wagon..again.

Gifts

As much as I bitch I know in truth I've led a very blessed life both with my family and my friends. I have always felt I've had a little guardian Angel sitting on my shoulder though at times, when things get hard, my vision gets hazy and I forget to see my gifts. I had a friend offer me her eggs today. That's one offer of a uterus and one offer of eggs. Is that something or what? People are amazing. Sadly I had to decline and believe me I was tempted...the person was of my same coloring, with freckles, with a similar college major and a similar line of work as I do...and in their early 30's and though the age was only part of the problem, the other thing was, the thing I didn't tell her as I didn't want to hurt her, is that she's had to many miscarriages and I only have this one time...this one time to try...still I'm tempted. And if I get the chance to speak to my doctor, I'll broach the subject with her.

Today at work, I had 3 children in my office ages 4, 5, and 10...sisters...and boy were they adorable...they were with me for a few hours and though I couldn't really work with them in the room with me, I enjoyed their company and my heart ached a little and felt happy too. I found myself thinking about them throughout the day...what they'd be like when they got older. I had put the radio on and the oldest and youngest danced...they were great dancers and I asked the oldest if she was in some type of class...nope...amazing. Anyhow, that was my little joy today. I tried to imagine what it would be like if these were my 3 kids and I had to care for them permanently...could I do it? Yes, I could. Weird as when I watch Diana's kids I don't have this type of connection..but I always hoped for little girls..a .little boy would be wonderful too but I would love one of each (who wouldn't really and how greedy of me) but there it is. So far I have bupkis so who am I to pick what I'd like coming my way..what I'd like is healthy...just give me at least one God and make him healthy.

On the food front, this week I'm not doing so hot. I haven't journaled as accurately as I should have and I've been eating not great food...not crazy bad but not awesomely great. I went to OA on Tuesday and there was a new Canadian...she was Hasidic and beautiful and had maintained a 6 year abstinence, 100 lb. weight loss..unreal. I cried the whole meeting ending with uncontrollable crying..she probably thought I was nuts. I was just feeling overly emotional, and one of the other Canadians, Chaya, consoled and spoke to me for almost an hour afterwards..told me I should consider asking Rachel (that's the new Canadians name) to sponsor me.  I want to ask her to sponsor me but I'm scared. I want to try and hit one of the other meetings she goes to and see if she'd be a good fit but really, that's just me procrastinating and not wanting to do what I have to do. The truth is, I don't want to follow the OA diet. It's super duper strict...and I mean strict...it's basically 1 protein, 1 Fruit, 1 veg, 1 dairy for breakfast, same for lunch, sort of the same for dinner, no caffeine, no sugar, no artificial sweetener, no flour, no wheat. I did it once for 3 days..that's as far as I got. The artificial sweetener shit is the killer. I couldn't even have a yogurt...it had to be plain with some fruit and if you've ever eaten plain yogurt it's sour as all shit...gross. Oatmeal with no sweetener...I managed to get it down by slicing some apple into it and sprinkling it with cinnamon...in short, it's not easy. How people do this for years on end is unbelievable to me. I want someone who'll sponsor me on the WW diet...which is possible..we'll see. Procrastination...is the thief of time...story of my life. Anyhow, this lady Rachel, was an inspiration to me as she is where I want to be...100 lbs down and 6 years clean..amazing.

Aside from that, Allison from the clinic got back to me yesterday as I hadn't heard anything and I believe I mentioned when I called the clinic 2 days ago the receptionist was kind of short with me which hurt my feelings. Anyhow, Allison was cool. She explained this process of finding someone can take up to 6 months or more but they're actively looking...okay, as long as they didn't forget about me. So that's where I'm at.

Yesterday, I found out the guy that I'd been crushing on is married with kids. Figures. It didn't hurt really was just disappointing as I'd had a nice little chat with him earlier in the day, and I liked his style though I also found out he's a little wild..I'm a loser picker..did I mention that..I pick losers, they either drink too much, have some type of personality disorder, or are wack-a-doos...Anyway... I'm sorry but there should be a rule that if you're married, you have to wear a ring and if you're in a committed relationship, you should have a big scarlet letter posted to your forehead...I think a lot of people would be happy with this. I don't understand, and maybe it's because I'm not/have never been married..why you would allow your spouse to go out ringless and let me tell you...a lot of people who use the excuse that it interferes with their job (police, plumbers, et cetera) are just full of shit...it doesn't. I've shot a gun with all my rings no problem and fixed shit around the house no problem...just saying. It should be a law...that way there's no confusion.

I'm feeling good today as opposed to the rest of earlier this week where I couldn't stop crying and snivelling but the truth of the matter is, this is a painful time in my life...one of many painful times in my life. Chaya at the Canadians suggested perhaps I need to speak to a professional and perhaps I do..what the frick do I know...but I often feel that sometimes you just feel what you feel and why is it when you feel sad everyone thinks  you need to speak to someone? People feel emotions and half of what is wrong with life is that feeling them, and expressing them is unacceptable. Well, I feel them and at this point in my life, and for the first time in a long time, I don't feel I need a shrink. I think about it often; how I haven't been to see someone in a long time but for once I feel like I'm dealing. It may not be pretty the way I'm dealing, but I am. I am feeling what I feel and accepting it...the good the bad and the ugly. Life has not been easy for me though I know it's been substantially generous in many respects...not maybe in my personal life, no, not in my personal life, because to say that would be to lie to myself, but in other respects, in terms of friendships. work, and financials, it's been better than a lot of people have and I've been blessed...so for today, I'm keeping that in the forefront. Tomorrow is another story..

Crazy: Part......Uhh..Crazy.period.

Feeling discombobulated today..just out of sorts really like I'm crawling out of my skin. Feels similar to when I was first sick with the big C when you feel your body is going to turn itself inside out...I called it "the irritables" at the time and every once in a while, if my meds aren't right...I get them. Today I have them and really, it's my own fault...I lost a bottle of pills and had been taking the wrong dose for 2 weeks and finally started back on the right dose this past week. Not good. But that's not what's making me feel crazy..

A few weeks back....maybe about a month ago or there abouts...I mailed back the questionnaire regarding the embryo selection...that in itself, wrapping my head around that, was hard....compounding that, I haven't heard anything. I go to the mailbox every day waiting for something and of course I get bupkis..nothing..nada.. I got a bill from them today which I was expecting as I have about $15K of checks sitting here on my dresser. I'm thinking tomorrow or Wednesday I'll take a ride out there during my lunch and drive them over...I'll just ask for a half hour extra as the place is a bit far, and I have to endorse them so don't feel comfortable just mailing them. Anyhow...it's driving me crazy, and I know this is irrational but you feel what you feel, ..I feel abandoned. I feel like they (the clinice) really don't care and in truth I know they care as much as you can when you have a million clients. I've been there before, having worked in human services most of my life...you care when they're in front of you and that's human and most of the time you forget who they are..that's normal when you have large volumes of clients..that's life..but it still stings more than a little and it's harder because I'm alone I think...maybe it's just as hard if you're in a relationship but it feels harder because I'm doing this alone with no family support and just support (great support btw) from my friends. So it's making me a little crazy, even making me doubt my doctor, my clinic, it's not good. I feel crazy. On top of that I was exhausted coming home from work and tried napping but Tess won't let me sleep deep, keeps pawing at me, so I was in twilight sleep, woke up in a fog with the irritables. Drank a glass and a bit of wine which helped a little but still feel just this inner feeling of crazy.

Work hasn't helped much as though I'd never admit this...I'm having lulls...lulls where there's either little to do or I don't want to do what there is, and then at other times, we're moving at the speed of light..it's like a bipolar work environment. Kay has also been driving me crazy though I love her to pieces..I just am impatient lately and today she was just too loud and I'm crabby and that does not mix. Tomorrow I have to go out on an assignment with her and I'm not thrilled by it. I just want to sit home really but when I'm here Tess is driving me crazy. It's not that she wants more than the average but she is a bit spoiled or maybe not, and wants attention and even after I give her some she wants more and when she doesn't..I'm feeling guilty that she laying there bored. I take Tess everywhere with me except for work, OA, and doctor's appointments...I even take her to weight watchers sometimes because I feel guilty leaving her at home. She actually threw a fit yesterday when I went into a store and left her in the car...mind you I left the car and a/c running while I ran in but she threw a hissy fit stomping her feet...not attractive...snorted and everything..love her though..but I digress..she's getting on my nerves. I don't know what I want really. Just want to feel at peace.

I don't call the clinic, though I know I should already, because I don't want to hear what's next in my life and that, my friends, is the truth. I don't want to get someone else's eggs, sync myself up with this person, inject myself again to no end, and finally I don't want another negative friggin pregnancy stick. What I do want is to turn my brain off for a few days, maybe even weeks or month, and just tap out of this; tap out of the feeling of craziness, the feeling that I'll never be a woman, never be a mother, never be satisfied with my life, my body, my career, my anything without a child. If you'd of told me this in my 20's, when I swore I'd never want any, I would have said you were crazy..but alas, who's crazy now? Me...feeling unravelled for too long...my life in a seemingly never ending limbo.

I'm thinking, sometime this week, I'll take a day off or half a day or something. Just stay home and chill out. Maybe tomorrow I'll leave early. Thursday I have to take D to the doctors so I'll be going taking a few hours off from work in the morning as I take D after work and don't want Tess home alone for that long. Guilt guilt guilt...I hear people leaving their dogs with no problem, and I never thought I'd be so whatever you want to call this but then again, I have never had a dog as a single person living alone and I just don't think it's fair so...guilt wins.

Anyhow, enough of my insane babbling...I'll contact the clinic in some fashion this week. Not looking forward to it..really dreading it actually. Oh well.

This is only an outlet, and yes, I'm aware. Thanks.

I'm reading this book that's called Getting Pregnant When you Thought You Couldn't....magic wand not included. Well, I added the magic wand line. In truth the word THOUGHT is in there meaning this is really for people who aren't sure if they can't but have tried and are pretty much fucked. There are some good parts to this book...there's a question and answer section which is pretty good and there are small, or I should say SMALL sections on egg donation, and trying to get pregnant as a single person. It's an interactive book with some exercises and maybe I'm jaded, let's face it..I'm jaded, but the exercises are really for people who have had minimal contact with a therapist...in short, they're basic. It suggests a sort of journal but emphasizes that it should be used as a tool only and you should not grow dependant on it...hmm, interesting..... Anyhow, all sarcasm aside, it's a legit book, and I've been reading it but like I said, there's no magic wand and if I hadn't bought it on half.com for about $5 total, it would've been a bit of a waste of money. As usual, I digress from what's really on my mind....

Just as I was leaving work today, in a pretty decent mood except for the fact that earlier in the day I had caught of glimpse of me and Kay's reflection as we stood next to each other, all 90 (no exaggeration) pounds of her, next to all (no exaggeration) ridiculous weight of me , .... I bump into a colleague and another chick from an adjoining department. They were outside smoking and here comes the girl from the "big office" who started a small conversation with the girl from the adjoining. Anyhow this girl always stood out to me only because she used to check me out (go ahead and say it's in my head, don't care) but not in the lesbian sort of way just in the what do you have sort of way (the way girls sometimes do to each other), when I first started working there, 60 some odd pounds ago when I was physically at my top, and esthetically at my top as well. Anyhow, in the 8 or so odd years I've been there, the chick became engaged got married and as she walked away the girl from the adjoining shakes her head. As I finish the conversation with my colleague regarding her baby girl who is running a fever and will have to be taken to the blah blah blah by the blah blah blah in the morning, I ask the other girl, "What"...still in a good mood I am...day is not so bad really mentality...She says, I can't believe she just had a baby... Come on man! Really!? Really, fucking really? You gotta be thin as shit, work in the "big office" have a rock on your finger the size of Mount Rushmore as you drive in your 75K car and have a baby. Really??!! My literal answer was, "Oh, I gotta go. Take care guys"....and just shoot me with a fucking gun why don't you, run me over with your ridiculously priced car that even if I had it like that I wouldn't get please....just put me out. But instead, I jump in my 10 year old car, that I love BTW!, and I hightail it out of there as fast as I can just saying God take me home as fast as I can go and Gem, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry and all I could think of is that I would find my relief right here. Right here on my little outlet that the stupid book tells you not to rely too heavily upon. Well, since the book included nothing close to a magic wand, and there was absolutely nothing highlighting the word THOUGHT, I say...Really, it's just an outlet so just shut the fuck up really.

Getting rid of the monkeys on my back

I keep looking up statistics for egg donor success rates...a crazy obsession really and of course I keep looking for articles quoting high rates as the thought of going through all of this for nothing seeems just crazy. This is where my head is: I think if this doesn't work, I will work like mad to pay down the debt and then I'll try again..and that's it. That's it. I can't do any more than that really. I'm one person with just a regular job and no matter what the statistics say or what search engine or what-have-you I use, the question that I'm really asking requires a crystal ball; will I get pregnant using a donor egg? Alas, there is no answer to that on the internet.

I've had this lingering thought in my head this week, and really, maybe I'm just looking for a scapegoat but....I'm not sure if I mentioned that I had seen a therapist for many years in my life and our relationship ended negatively right around the time of the incident at work. In retrospect, I should have ended the relationship years and years earlier as there was an abundance of transferance and cross-transferance issues that a blind man should have picked up on but I didn't and shit happens and I'm a stronger person for it. This lady, who I loved too much like a mother, often disappointed me like a mother and I realize now that her opinion weighed too heavily in my life. The thing reverberating in my mind is a conversation I had with her about wanting children and how I would do it alone if it came to that. She said to me that her concern with me being a single mother is her feeling that I would raise the child with the mentality of "it's me and you against the world"...hmmm. This always stayed with me (obviously) and it scared me as I didn't want to ever be a dysfunctional parent and now I'm pissed. I should have had the courage to just do what I wanted rather than seek out her approval and for too long I thought that I just was never enough, never good enough, though that wasn't fully to blame on the therapist...I have to own that...but it pisses me off that I let that into my brain and let her views influence me. I wonder now how this could have even crossed her mind when all I was ever looking for was someone to guide me and someone to love...a companion. Still looking. Anyhow, there it is, out in the open and ready to be flushed down the toilet...and it's gone. Hindsight is indeed 20/20! At my weakest moment, when I was struggling with trauma in my life, was when I was finally able to cut those strings...had to cut them in order to survive..and I thank God for how we are made to fight for our own survival both physical survival and mental...as this is what it was for me.. a fight for sanity...and I got there..I survived. I have to so thank another therapist, Arleeen, who was able to dust me off, stand me on my two feet, tell me I'm enough and set me straight...all in less than a year. Sitting in Arleen's office, after all the shit I'd been through, I had been a puddle of shit, something I thought would never be solid again, but I am. Maybe not how I was...but I never want to be who I was, and am thankful for who I've become. I think back to a time where I thought I could never make it without a therapist and I've seen now that I'm resilient. That even when I don't think I'll make it another day, another minute, I can. Not alone...but with a little help from my friends and from my faith. I guess I'm writing about it as it's still haunting me, those demons from my past, and I have to just expel the last bit of it from my life...once and for all.

I went to WW today. My friend/coworker who'd joined with me didn't show up again and really, I'm fine with it. I think I need to do this on my own really and I'm taking it seriously. I lost 3 pounds last week and none this week which is totally my doing. They talked a little today about food being like any other addiction and there it is. It's true and it's what holds me back...triggers, anxiety, and the call of the wild that makes me go to the kitchen even when I don't want to, even when I know I've had enough. For today, I'm going to try to stay on program. I'll deal with tomorrow, tomorrow. I go back to OA on Tuesday. I have to try and be open and honest with just myself really. Take what I need and leave what I don't. Sometimes I find I make things too complicated and hold myself back so I have to try and just keep it simple...We'll see how it goes.

Goodbyes

I have a friend I made from the CCB website as we'd been using the same donor sperm, or rather, her partner was using the same sperm as I was. We talk regularly and her partner had been doing IUI's...12 in total I believe. She just found out that IVF, which would be her next step,  is $26k where she lives and it's pretty much curtains for them. I received a message from her on Facebook that seemed like a goodbye to me. Just brought me down...another one bites the dust and I can't help but think that this may be me in a month or two...biting the reality dust. I felt sad for her but more sad for her partner who is understandably devastated. It's just devastating. It's a loss of your babies...the babies you pictured having as a child...real babies you imagined when you played with your baby dolls and just knew that you would eventually have along with that husband who would be just perfect...shit. Life is just an ass kicker sometimes.

I feel like sometimes my heart will surely fucking explode with the grief and the pain but it doesn't, it just goes on and on and on. Even when I think it's not possible to take another breath, another step, to live another day, it just goes on, and it's as if nothing is happening in your world, nothing horrible. It's not like when someone dies, or when you get fired, get divorced or whatever other horrific thing happens...nobody really gets it unless they have lived it. What you get is people saying, well you can adopt and when I hear this, I just want to tear their eyeballs out. That is one of the stupidest things you can fucking say. Really I can adopt? So can you you fucking ass wipe but that isn't a first choice for anybody and again, I'm so tired of people's easy answers to life tragedies. The right answer is "I'm sorry. How devastating", or something like that. That is the right answer.

Anyhow, I'm pissed tonight and I'm upset and maybe part of it is that I got my period today which is never good for me. All these periods and cramps for nothing. What a joke.

Pain in every corner

I usually get the weekend paper from my mother but right now she and "D" are out of the country and I stopped her subscription so I ran out yesterday just for the local Sunday. Me and the paper have a love hate relationship. My sibling always says I should be in politics as I get myself all riled up by the injustices in the world and I guess I can put up a good debate...it also makes me pissed as all hell so I always tell sib to just can it and mind their own bees wax...Anyhow, as usual, I digress. I get the paper and look for the coupon section and for whatever reason, I can't look at it. It doesn't instantly register as to why and the first two pages are not coupons at all but rather an ad for the Olympics. Today Kay brings in coupons to share and again I'm looking at the Olympic's ad...I look...wtf is bothering me...an Olympian hopeful with her mom...they look identical and I look away from it and up from my desk and find myself looking into the little stand up mirror that's on my desk purchased at the dollor store and I realize...this will never be me. I will never have someone with my curly, curly, curly, hair, or my million freckles that I really shouldn't have but that all my siblings do (we have no idea where we got these shits from), or my full lips or my "near perfect" teeth (not my opinion..my dentist's)...and yes, I also won't have a crazy kid who is hypervigilant nearing paranoia, supersensitive almost to the absurd, fightst depression, or has the overweight gene..but I will miss the frigging freckles, and I will miss the curls and I take a good look at the pic and it breaks my heart just a little and it makes me cry just a little. And I know, I have to accept, even if I don't like it or I don't want it, it's not one of those things where you can say " I don't accept" like I've done with all the things that just weren't tolerable in my life...in this case, whether I accept it emotionally or not...the choice isn't mine..I have to accept that it'll never be and that's it and Amen.

Earlier today I got a call from one of my staff (frantically mind you) asking for help with a client (child) completely nuts and out of control who finally had to be restrained by an officer. I run out of the building to where she's working, not knowing what to expect. He rolls his lower lip against the glass at me when he sees me....soooo silence of the lambs like. Ugh. I asked her, what's wrong with him...her reply? "he's adopted". Fucked up? Maybe. But too often we work with these kids that are all fucked up and out of control and too often they have that one common denominator..adopted...this was also too often true when I worked with the dually diagnosed (mentally ill/addicts), I would say 75% were adopted. D is adopted...my poor sweet D who breaks my heart, just breaks my heart with all they've suffered. This isn't always the case. I have 4 friends growing up who were adopted and are relatively normal...one is an alcoholic but that didn't happen until she was in her early 30's, and two of them are a little whacked but hey people who live in glass houses....  It still scares me this about adoption. I try to keep in the forefront of my mind that what I see at work is the worst of the worst in terms of children, in terms of men, in terms of marriage, and there are happy endings. Diana always says that she doesn't know why God sent me to work where I work as I was already warped when it came to men...who the fuck knows. I know I learned that some men are good too..I learned this from some of my coworkers who are relatively good people (yes, they do exist). My one coworker Henry who was married and never cheated but was left 2 years ago by a cheating wife (he has some serious control issues but would help you if and when the shit hit the fan...good people..not marriage material though) and my other coworker who I won't even give a name, who is sweet as sugar and it appeas that his wife has recently left him after 20 plus years of marriage...nices guy but a bit effem for my taste..but good people...real good people...they do exist....and I guess this is something I've learned from working there...but the adoption thing...it's just been re-inforced.

Anyhow, I find myself babbling. I just...I just want to not look and see things that hurt me so much...I can't imagine living my life with this...living this forever. Seeing every baby ad hurt me, seeing every pregnant lady hurt me, every baby coupon, every child's toy...just facing this at every corner...I don't want this to be a forever.