On Sunday Father's Day I got a call saying that there had been a tragic car accident and my uncle had passed away. We were all beside ourselves with grief. My sister and my mother were planning to fly out on Tuesday for the services and I had D with me from Monday to Tuesday morning staying at my apartment for the week. At about 4:45am Tuesday morning I got a call from one of the aides to say my dad wasn't feeling well. I called the hospice nurse.....got into an argument with her of course..and when she finally agreed to go To his apartment she called me back to say he had very little time left to live. Needless to say I got on the horn with my sister at the airport and told her not to get on the plane and long story short my father died Wednesday morning with all of us around him in the middle so a prayer. I was okay through all of the arrangements....through all the vulturing that inevitably happens but tonight I got a phone call that my fairy godmother has had a very bad stroke and in truth it feels like just a bit too much....just a little bit like they're trying to kill me here. Hurting like hell and breaking my heart.
Sometimes this world is just a teensy bit too cruel...
Showing posts with label D. Show all posts
Showing posts with label D. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Someday(s) are harder than others...
It's been a while and in truth I wasn't sure I'd come back but alas here I am with my heart full of emotions just spilling out of me. Right now really I'm just feeling tired; tired and depressed if truth be told. They say the fastest way to clear out a room is to put someone who's depressed in it. Alas, I really don't have to worry about that as few people come here but me and the crazies that lie within me.
Anyhow, where to begin. Really so many things have happened and by the same token nothing. There was an investigation at D's program after D reported that my mom hit them...it was not good. The police were called and I thought I was going to have a stroke. The police refused to investigate... This was so troubling for me on so many levels. First off I felt like I was torn between two lovers; I thought at this point my mother should know better but was caught up in feeling bad for her as she was freaked. The program suggested I press charges...Oh okay...right. D wasn't hurt except for the emotional aspect of it all and I pointed out to the program that this is about the 5th year that goes by without a residential placement for D that I've been requesting as my mother isn't able to properly care for D...hello people. Anyway, long story short, exhausting, almost had a heart attack complete with taking an anti anxiety pill for my heart palpitations and of course nothing came of it and in truth...THANK GOD!!! Nothing like an arrest for a mother who is not only a snob but also suffering from dementia....I would say more about it and try and take side but the truth is...for what? I'm clinging, clinging, to my sanity and reason so I can't take on any more.
My father is in the hospital again....not good. We've also been having problems with both my mother and father's business so I spent most of this morning with my mother in court. Now, if I was ever suicidal I'd spend the whole day with her and I'd surely die of frustration...she is beyond difficult. My plan had been to go to court and go to work afterwards but I found myself unraveling as I drove my mother home so instead I called out, bought myself something to eat, and came home. I then went to the hospital for a little while and then picked up my sib from the bus stop.
I decided to write, or more accurately, what propelled me to write, was my obsession with P face and Asshole which hasn't surfaced in a while but tonight while doing a google search I found out they had a little girl. You want to kill me Universe?! It just wrenched a hole in my heart. I guess a part of me feels that is the life I wish I was living and he's the one that got away and it's my fault because I didn't have the courage or so it seems to make it happen. That's the crazy me talking. The realistic me realizes that it would have never worked as I would have had to be the man and take the reins and that's just not my style and furthermore the dude was immature and in the end we would have been two fatties eating our way through life. His wife seems much more motivated to do shit, make shit happen, and take the bull by the horns...she's also much younger than myself...good for you Asshole (ha...)..! Oh well. That's the healthy me...not really that healthy but better than nothing. The bottom line is I realize perhaps a little late in the game that I want love, I want a man in my life....maybe not a husband but something like it....a support where I have his back and he's got mine and we're a fucking team who kicks ass together and gets through shit together and maybe it's all just a fairy tale we're sold and the actual relationship might be harder than I imagine but I want to have love in my life and that's that.
Speaking of healthy vs. unhealthy me, last week I went to go see the shrink lady and we had a serious talk about why I thought I was nuts. She said to me (again as I seem to be hard to convince), Gem, you are not crazy. Your family is crazy, the shit you go through is ridiculously difficult and overwhelming and anybody would feel crazy having to take care of all of that. I felt better leaving. Still not 100% convince but I don't think I ever will be. You know, when the whole hitting thing happened with D it kind of shocked me but it didn't. I was hit growing up and really most of my friends were. Truth be told I'm not against corporal punishment but there is a time and a place and I don't believe in hitting when you are out of control. A spanking yes, absolutely, hot wild going crazy no wire hangers shit...no. I've had the no wire hangers shit many times...all of my siblings except for D have...shit happens and believe me that didn't stay with me as much as some of the emotional shit that haunts me til this day. It's funny that my mother was the big hitter though it's my father who caused the most emotional scars and he prided himself on never hitting the kids....my father really did a trip on me and it'll never be resolved. I told this to the shrink lady how this will never be resolved between us; not because he can no longer carry a conversation but because we never had a relationship where we could talk...neither one of my parents did with any of us though I'm sure that's the case for a lot of people. Kay at work talk to her mom every day...and used to speak to her dad every day too until his dementia got too bad. They have what she calls an awesome relationship and I hope, if I ever have children, to have even half the relationship she has with her mother. The shrink lady and I spoke about this...about how I worried that I might not as I have no personal frame of reference of a tight relationship with a parent. I don't know if she was blowing smoke up my ass but she said the fact that it was a goal and something I was striving for would set me on the right path....made me feel better.
Anyhow, there is apparently no rest for the weary as I'm on call and just got a call from the local police...
Will try to document more often...if for no other reason than it's a rare day that I blog and don't feel better after. It really is more of a personal journal than a blog but oh well.....
Anyhow, where to begin. Really so many things have happened and by the same token nothing. There was an investigation at D's program after D reported that my mom hit them...it was not good. The police were called and I thought I was going to have a stroke. The police refused to investigate... This was so troubling for me on so many levels. First off I felt like I was torn between two lovers; I thought at this point my mother should know better but was caught up in feeling bad for her as she was freaked. The program suggested I press charges...Oh okay...right. D wasn't hurt except for the emotional aspect of it all and I pointed out to the program that this is about the 5th year that goes by without a residential placement for D that I've been requesting as my mother isn't able to properly care for D...hello people. Anyway, long story short, exhausting, almost had a heart attack complete with taking an anti anxiety pill for my heart palpitations and of course nothing came of it and in truth...THANK GOD!!! Nothing like an arrest for a mother who is not only a snob but also suffering from dementia....I would say more about it and try and take side but the truth is...for what? I'm clinging, clinging, to my sanity and reason so I can't take on any more.
My father is in the hospital again....not good. We've also been having problems with both my mother and father's business so I spent most of this morning with my mother in court. Now, if I was ever suicidal I'd spend the whole day with her and I'd surely die of frustration...she is beyond difficult. My plan had been to go to court and go to work afterwards but I found myself unraveling as I drove my mother home so instead I called out, bought myself something to eat, and came home. I then went to the hospital for a little while and then picked up my sib from the bus stop.
I decided to write, or more accurately, what propelled me to write, was my obsession with P face and Asshole which hasn't surfaced in a while but tonight while doing a google search I found out they had a little girl. You want to kill me Universe?! It just wrenched a hole in my heart. I guess a part of me feels that is the life I wish I was living and he's the one that got away and it's my fault because I didn't have the courage or so it seems to make it happen. That's the crazy me talking. The realistic me realizes that it would have never worked as I would have had to be the man and take the reins and that's just not my style and furthermore the dude was immature and in the end we would have been two fatties eating our way through life. His wife seems much more motivated to do shit, make shit happen, and take the bull by the horns...she's also much younger than myself...good for you Asshole (ha...)..! Oh well. That's the healthy me...not really that healthy but better than nothing. The bottom line is I realize perhaps a little late in the game that I want love, I want a man in my life....maybe not a husband but something like it....a support where I have his back and he's got mine and we're a fucking team who kicks ass together and gets through shit together and maybe it's all just a fairy tale we're sold and the actual relationship might be harder than I imagine but I want to have love in my life and that's that.
Speaking of healthy vs. unhealthy me, last week I went to go see the shrink lady and we had a serious talk about why I thought I was nuts. She said to me (again as I seem to be hard to convince), Gem, you are not crazy. Your family is crazy, the shit you go through is ridiculously difficult and overwhelming and anybody would feel crazy having to take care of all of that. I felt better leaving. Still not 100% convince but I don't think I ever will be. You know, when the whole hitting thing happened with D it kind of shocked me but it didn't. I was hit growing up and really most of my friends were. Truth be told I'm not against corporal punishment but there is a time and a place and I don't believe in hitting when you are out of control. A spanking yes, absolutely, hot wild going crazy no wire hangers shit...no. I've had the no wire hangers shit many times...all of my siblings except for D have...shit happens and believe me that didn't stay with me as much as some of the emotional shit that haunts me til this day. It's funny that my mother was the big hitter though it's my father who caused the most emotional scars and he prided himself on never hitting the kids....my father really did a trip on me and it'll never be resolved. I told this to the shrink lady how this will never be resolved between us; not because he can no longer carry a conversation but because we never had a relationship where we could talk...neither one of my parents did with any of us though I'm sure that's the case for a lot of people. Kay at work talk to her mom every day...and used to speak to her dad every day too until his dementia got too bad. They have what she calls an awesome relationship and I hope, if I ever have children, to have even half the relationship she has with her mother. The shrink lady and I spoke about this...about how I worried that I might not as I have no personal frame of reference of a tight relationship with a parent. I don't know if she was blowing smoke up my ass but she said the fact that it was a goal and something I was striving for would set me on the right path....made me feel better.
Anyhow, there is apparently no rest for the weary as I'm on call and just got a call from the local police...
Will try to document more often...if for no other reason than it's a rare day that I blog and don't feel better after. It really is more of a personal journal than a blog but oh well.....
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Heavy
Tonight we went out to the movies. Older sibling and I convinced D to go. D never wants to go for fear of people, of noise, of darkness. I don't know. Anyhow, we went to go see that movie Identity Thief...don't waste your money but it was fine time really. We left there and it was still early enough to go see my father. D had not drank any of their $5.50 drink and Older sib insisted they take it with them. We go to my dad's and he is cranky as shit. He screams at us to put him to bed though the aide explained she'd just put him in the chair. We put him to bed after he yells at us a second time. He's uncomfortable and wants to sit up. He wants to lay down. He wants to sit up. He wants to get up though we convince him to just sit. He wants to lay down. Yelling at us each time. He's hot, he's hot...fan him. We stand there with one of those hand held fans waving at him. After an hour of this I tell Older sib let's go. Older sib says he's not calm yet. He's nowhere nears calm. I tell her this is every night...we'll be there til morning as he doesn't get calm..it just continues...we go back and forth...we stay a bit longer and D is falling asleep on the chair not having had their meds yet, their shower yet. I again tell Older sib let's go. My father screams don't you leave me here like this. I ask him what he wants. I need to be more comfortable he says. I go help him straining with his weight that I'm not supposed to be lifting having just had my retrieval 2 days ago. He doesn't help. I say you have to make an effort to move or you're staying there...losing any patience I may have had. I haul him over and up and finally have him straight in the bed. I feel the pressure in my neck, my back, my already aching groins. Take the sheets and blankets off and ask are you more comfortable? Yes he says. Okay we're leaving. He yells not to leave him like this. He's hot and wants more fanning. I tell him Teresa will fan him. He yells no and I say we'll see you tomorrw, D says goodbye, I tell older sib say goodbye. Older sib is in the kitchen rummaging around. What are you looking for? Let's go. I'm looking for D's drink. Are you out of your mind I say...come on...who cares about the drink..let's go. Older sib says they'll walk, pissed off now. Get in the car I say, let's just go. We're in the middle of the hood dude. Older sib is sometimes off their rocker...wanted D to walk to my mom's for a fan. Alone down the street where I was almost mugged last week...can you imagine? Did I mention I was almost mugged? This is my life and my back is killing me and I"m thinking...what the fuck am I planning to bring someone into this hell for? What the fuck?
P. fucking S.: To cap off the night, shortly after completing the top portion of this post, Tess comes into my computer room screaming at the top of her lungs, sounding like she is in agony and I can't calm her down. She's screaming and screaming. I run out of the house calling older sib to call her vet who is open 24/7 in my PJ's and crocs zooming down the road 3 towns over where they give her pills for pain as they can't find anything. Vet is guessing it's her knees coming out of her sockets due to her fucked up patella whatsamawhosit... She also completed emptied her anal glands causing a funky odor..I come home to find I never locked the door, dropped my cell and my IPAD on my dining room floor. And that my friends is a wonderful Saturday night in the life of Gem. But life is still good.
P. fucking S.: To cap off the night, shortly after completing the top portion of this post, Tess comes into my computer room screaming at the top of her lungs, sounding like she is in agony and I can't calm her down. She's screaming and screaming. I run out of the house calling older sib to call her vet who is open 24/7 in my PJ's and crocs zooming down the road 3 towns over where they give her pills for pain as they can't find anything. Vet is guessing it's her knees coming out of her sockets due to her fucked up patella whatsamawhosit... She also completed emptied her anal glands causing a funky odor..I come home to find I never locked the door, dropped my cell and my IPAD on my dining room floor. And that my friends is a wonderful Saturday night in the life of Gem. But life is still good.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
The Pressure
So I get a call Thursday after running around like a fiend...like a fiend I tell you. I had to get to the clinic by 7a.m. as I had an all day conference that I could not reschedule at 9...ugh. I get there...they can't find my chart..my fault as I didn't call the day before, can't find a vein because my scar tissue from cancer has made it so the phlebotomist jokes, "you have no blood"..I wish I say then maybe I could rest..ha ha. Then, I can't open the bathroom door in the exam room which makes it so I can't remove my friggin tampon (girl problems..ugh), doctor leaves and comes back late late later...I run run run back to the work site..make it just in time. Pick up Tess during lunch and drop her off at my mom's as she's been alone way too long...run back to work site. We get out early...I'm delirious with lack of sleep as of course the insomnia kicked into the 3 hours I had allotted myself so I run back home sleep for half hour then run to pick up D for D's doctor appointment...D is hearing voices terribly..poor thing..love D....We drive home happy with the doctor pick up stuff for my dad. I get to my mom's to drop D off...where is my phone? Oh no..lost it..don't care for a minute except older sib calls on mom's line that she needs to be picked up. D's doctor calls, she'll be there for another hour and guess what she found? Phone. I take Tess to my dad's to drop off the food for him...stay with him for 1/2 hour..he's not good..I explain I can't stay as I lost my phone have to pick it up and pick sib up..Dad's unhappy...slumped in his wheelchair a sight nobody ever wants to see...worst nightmare sight you ever want to have of your parents. I go pick up phone, go home make myself a grilled cheese. In the middle of this chaos the clinic calls...my sperm is not there and they can't proceed until I have sperm there.. I'll order it today I promis..yeah, when the frick will I have the time..and who exactly am I picking. Run pick up the sib, get home after 10 conk out on the couch and awaken at 1:30a.m. to realize I took none of my fertility drugs....take them half delirious. Ever try to measure out needles of shit half asleep?...meds I'd never taken before?...yikes.
Which brings me to today. I had work yesterday in the middle of this fricking storm. I go and tell the boss I'm leaving at 12...really because I have to pick out a sperm donor. I'm still delirously tired...spend the afternoon picking out sperm so frustrating as everyone seems to be CMV positive which is a big no no, and hours later, got it down to 3. So sucks as there is nobody I really love but c'est la vie. I call Kay give her the 3 for her opinion...she's leaning towards where I'm leaning, but tells me if you don't have to order til tomorrow see if you see anything in the a.m. and then order. Okay. Today I look...anxious as all shit..make my decision and go to order. My authorization from my doctor has expired. What?!!! I call the clinic and get this mother friggin ghetto chick on the phone who is doing one of those, I'm talking to you but also to my friend at the same time...fuck...fuck...she's not even a teeny bit professional...I have to repeat everything 50 times. I say is this an answering service, "Well hello, of course. You think someobody is gonna pick up on a Saturday? Ha. This is how it is sweetie........." and on and on it goes. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. She says she'll tell one of "the girls" and see if someone gets back to me. Okay, okay you mother fucking uneducated ghetto bitch who is talking to me like I'm a piece of shit when I'm totally freaking out...okay ghetto ass. But I say none of this..not that crazy. I say, thank you so much. And here I wait for the phone call so I can try and order sperm.
I have to resign myself to these facts. If I can't order sperm on time I have to do all this shit all over again. I feel like I don't care. I don't care because I can't take the pressure anymore. I have to start again? Okay fine. I'll start again. I can't fucking give a shit and lose my mind over all of this. I just can't. I'll see if they call and if I can order today..great...if I can't..I'll try for Monday...if I can't, I say FUCK IT AMERICA! I can't take the pressure so I say FUCK IT...thank you so much.
Which brings me to today. I had work yesterday in the middle of this fricking storm. I go and tell the boss I'm leaving at 12...really because I have to pick out a sperm donor. I'm still delirously tired...spend the afternoon picking out sperm so frustrating as everyone seems to be CMV positive which is a big no no, and hours later, got it down to 3. So sucks as there is nobody I really love but c'est la vie. I call Kay give her the 3 for her opinion...she's leaning towards where I'm leaning, but tells me if you don't have to order til tomorrow see if you see anything in the a.m. and then order. Okay. Today I look...anxious as all shit..make my decision and go to order. My authorization from my doctor has expired. What?!!! I call the clinic and get this mother friggin ghetto chick on the phone who is doing one of those, I'm talking to you but also to my friend at the same time...fuck...fuck...she's not even a teeny bit professional...I have to repeat everything 50 times. I say is this an answering service, "Well hello, of course. You think someobody is gonna pick up on a Saturday? Ha. This is how it is sweetie........." and on and on it goes. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. She says she'll tell one of "the girls" and see if someone gets back to me. Okay, okay you mother fucking uneducated ghetto bitch who is talking to me like I'm a piece of shit when I'm totally freaking out...okay ghetto ass. But I say none of this..not that crazy. I say, thank you so much. And here I wait for the phone call so I can try and order sperm.
I have to resign myself to these facts. If I can't order sperm on time I have to do all this shit all over again. I feel like I don't care. I don't care because I can't take the pressure anymore. I have to start again? Okay fine. I'll start again. I can't fucking give a shit and lose my mind over all of this. I just can't. I'll see if they call and if I can order today..great...if I can't..I'll try for Monday...if I can't, I say FUCK IT AMERICA! I can't take the pressure so I say FUCK IT...thank you so much.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
No 3 day?!!?
I went to see the shrink today at the new RE clinic that I'm using. In case anybody was wondering, I'm using the NYU Langone Center or whatever it's called in NYC...it's supposed to be excellent. Anyhow, they make you see a shrink if you're using anything donor. The doctor was top notch and I say this with some experience as in my previous life, before I did what I do now, mental health was my area of expertise or at least I knew a hell of a lot more than the average joe about it and well..I digress as usual...She was Aces. She actually gave a very good way of explaining to a child how they came about...the long and the short..you explain about how an ovum and a sperm when joined produce an embryo which grows in a womb...she went on to explain how you introduce the topic that sometimes there's a father, sometimes people do it by fucking, basically you explain that although sometimes it a man and a woman it doesn't necessarily have to be. She said if you say the whole thing omitting that concept of normally it's a mommy and a daddy kids tend to just think of this and accept...if you bring up they don't have a daddy this becomes the focus...she of course was much more eloquent and pc but you get the drift. Anyhow it was a great way of explaining it and if I wasn't so exhausted I'd explain it a little better but ..friggin tired. The one thing that shocked me was that she informed me that they don't do 3 day transfers...they used to..but they don't anymore. I thought I'd faint. She explained that they are top notch and are not going to waste the time or money on things that don't happen and if the embryo can't make it to 5 day, what "they" discovered was that they wouldn't have survived any ol' way...that's what "the data" shows..that those embryo that wouldn't make it to 5 never would have become a child any way. WHAT!!!?? My last 3 IVF were 3 day. It made me feel like #1 my last clinic was retarded and #2 I don't have a friggin snow balls chance in hell. I expressed feeling that this was never going to happen. She said, if Dr. Noyes didn't think it would happen she wouldn't have put you through this. She also said with donor eggs, if it comes to that, they only like to put 1 back in, 2 max but really only 1. I said, I'll put in 2. I only have one friggin shot and I don't feel that positive about it at all..I'm getting 2 you freaks. I've gone through 2 1/2 years of poking my ass by myself, commuting to E. Jabib to friggin get this shit and tolerated all the bullshit at work just to have "the Mercedes Benz" of insurance as the last clinic called it and the money to support a child, I'm getting 2. Did I tell you I don't think this shit will work?
In my head, this is what I picture: A big ass cavernous womb and instead of the sticky gooey shit that my last doctor said was perfect for implantation, I have what sneakily looks like the right goop but it's actually a grease pit, developed from all those years of eating crap, that makes the friggin embryo just slide right out from inside and back out into my always pantyliner..yup, that's what I think. So put 2 in mo-fo's so at least when they both slide their asses out they won't be lonely.
I saw my father today. I'm not that thrilled with the night staff lady. She is a doll mind you, and very respectful, sweet and kind however, I always come in when she's in the middle of her own personal shit. She is the only worker who actually lives in with my dad. When I got there I leaned in towards him and asked him if everything was okay...he said he was anxious because of the men out there...she had men moving some of her belongings that she as having send by ship to her native country...I wasn't happy. I talked to him for a bit and left. She called me at about 11:45 to say my father couldn't sleep and kept mentioning D and how he thought D was lost. I spoke to him and explained D was sleeping and fine...he asked why nobody told him D'd been found...frick...totally delusional.. I don't know what to do with that. Aside from that it's getting increasingly hard to care for his business. All the money gets eaten up by the workers we have to pay to care for him 24/7 and it's not covered by his insurance...it's a mess...we're barely making it and I'm having to pitch in with my own money...not good as it's not like I"m not spending it myself. Shit.
So..that's where we're at.
In my head, this is what I picture: A big ass cavernous womb and instead of the sticky gooey shit that my last doctor said was perfect for implantation, I have what sneakily looks like the right goop but it's actually a grease pit, developed from all those years of eating crap, that makes the friggin embryo just slide right out from inside and back out into my always pantyliner..yup, that's what I think. So put 2 in mo-fo's so at least when they both slide their asses out they won't be lonely.
I saw my father today. I'm not that thrilled with the night staff lady. She is a doll mind you, and very respectful, sweet and kind however, I always come in when she's in the middle of her own personal shit. She is the only worker who actually lives in with my dad. When I got there I leaned in towards him and asked him if everything was okay...he said he was anxious because of the men out there...she had men moving some of her belongings that she as having send by ship to her native country...I wasn't happy. I talked to him for a bit and left. She called me at about 11:45 to say my father couldn't sleep and kept mentioning D and how he thought D was lost. I spoke to him and explained D was sleeping and fine...he asked why nobody told him D'd been found...frick...totally delusional.. I don't know what to do with that. Aside from that it's getting increasingly hard to care for his business. All the money gets eaten up by the workers we have to pay to care for him 24/7 and it's not covered by his insurance...it's a mess...we're barely making it and I'm having to pitch in with my own money...not good as it's not like I"m not spending it myself. Shit.
So..that's where we're at.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Catching up
I almost forgot to write as I've been writing so much to the chicks I met at the clinic. Well, still no period. No sign of hide or hair of it. I finally called the chick at the clinic yesterday who said she'd email the doctor and ask her how she wants to proceed. I found the donor I want to use though I haven't purchased any vials and I'm not sure what the frick I'm waiting for as he'll probably be sold out by the time I get to it. I'm finally rolling with all of this making the calls I needed to make. I'm full of anxiety. Full of it. Chock full! Can't seem to get away from it but for small bits of time.
I'm avoiding my family today as they're driving me crazy but I promised D I would go over. Did I mention D had to have oral surgery. Older sibling kept saying don't call the dentist as I'm calling today...this went on forever and I finally called them....they never called me back BTW which makes me angry but doesn't surprise me. Nothing does anymore when using "the system" for the disabled. It's a racket and if you had to use it, and I'm sure I've said this before, you wouldn't believe you live in the U.S. I live in friggin NY people!! It's not even like I live in Osh Kosh USA.. Whateva! Anyhow, my mother took D to her dentist who is ancient and he had D go to a surgeon. D is better but it was beyond..just beyond..an unnecessary stressor.
Shit at work is what it is. I confronted the one friend of the group that went and reported me...what a wuss. She says, Gem, I have to work with these people. I asked how she thought it would affect our friendship...humina humina humina...puhlease... I don't care anymore. I'm not even angry either I'm just disgusted and realize I have to move on knowing I did nothing wrong here. I work in a fucked up environment but the pay is good so I'll shut the fuck up and be grateful...just wait it out and see what the future holds.
My father continues to not be well. Has a terribel wound on his leg...not good. I worry. The sibs have not been visiting during the week as far as I can tell. One of the care ladies said she called younger sibs for adult diapers Thursday morning so when I showed up Thursday night with NADA! she looked at me like where are they...did you get the call? No? Well neither did I. This is how they roll. Infuriating. So late at night there go me and Tess driving back towards my home to get the diapers and drive all the way back. Whatever..really it's frustrating.
Anyhow..that's the long and the short..will let you know what happens Wednesday at the psych eval for people using donor sperm...too funny...you think I need a shrink for donor sperm? I need a shrink for a million other reason!. ..
I'm avoiding my family today as they're driving me crazy but I promised D I would go over. Did I mention D had to have oral surgery. Older sibling kept saying don't call the dentist as I'm calling today...this went on forever and I finally called them....they never called me back BTW which makes me angry but doesn't surprise me. Nothing does anymore when using "the system" for the disabled. It's a racket and if you had to use it, and I'm sure I've said this before, you wouldn't believe you live in the U.S. I live in friggin NY people!! It's not even like I live in Osh Kosh USA.. Whateva! Anyhow, my mother took D to her dentist who is ancient and he had D go to a surgeon. D is better but it was beyond..just beyond..an unnecessary stressor.
Shit at work is what it is. I confronted the one friend of the group that went and reported me...what a wuss. She says, Gem, I have to work with these people. I asked how she thought it would affect our friendship...humina humina humina...puhlease... I don't care anymore. I'm not even angry either I'm just disgusted and realize I have to move on knowing I did nothing wrong here. I work in a fucked up environment but the pay is good so I'll shut the fuck up and be grateful...just wait it out and see what the future holds.
My father continues to not be well. Has a terribel wound on his leg...not good. I worry. The sibs have not been visiting during the week as far as I can tell. One of the care ladies said she called younger sibs for adult diapers Thursday morning so when I showed up Thursday night with NADA! she looked at me like where are they...did you get the call? No? Well neither did I. This is how they roll. Infuriating. So late at night there go me and Tess driving back towards my home to get the diapers and drive all the way back. Whatever..really it's frustrating.
Anyhow..that's the long and the short..will let you know what happens Wednesday at the psych eval for people using donor sperm...too funny...you think I need a shrink for donor sperm? I need a shrink for a million other reason!. ..
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Stolen Groove
I was on such a high on Monday and just feeling so serene on Tuesday, not even the bitches could steal my groove or so I thought. I went into work yesterday to find half my staff gone. Couldn't find a one from a particular section I supervise except for Kay. Go over to the administrative side of the building and there they are crowded into my bosses office to bitch about me. I'm cool, still handling it..no sweat. I speak to my boss afterwards who says there's nothing to talk about; that all their shit is petty shit. Okay but it's hurtful. One of the women in there is a "friend"...we've shared shit. I've given her a ride home before, counseled her through a divorce and the mental breakdown of her son. As a matter of fact, Tuesday she told me the whole story of what is going on with him at this point emphasizing how she can't share it with the others who don't get it. She was in there too. This woman is 20 years my senior. In fact, all these people are older than me. It hurt. The leader of the pack is the chick Patty, who went off on me at the end of November, had gone off again Tuesday night and managed to rile all these people up. My boss said, 2 of the staff admitted having no gripes with me and another had nothing in several years...they were all there to support Patty. It hurt. She continues with her abusive, mean spirited, insubordinate shit and nothing is done. I told my boss this but I may as well have spoken to myself and nothing continues to be done. Today after I had corrected an investigation she leaves me a printout of when to use a semi colon...this because I questioned her use of one. She constantly uses them incorrectly but it was just another snub from her. I went to speak to her and she proceeds to tell me she can't talk right now, cuts me off...same ol' shit. I called her nasty, abusive, and fresh as she stormed away from me. I wanted to deck her one and I know shit comes around but sometimes you wonder why it doesn't come immediately. The truth is, she is a very angry unhappy person because of her son. We've shared a lot about it because of D and the similarities in their outburst and issues as children. The biggest difference is that she's embarrassed by her child and my family would carry D on our shoulders tooting a trumpet we love D that much. Fucked up really. Well I lost my cool with her and cried hysterically in my office. I just can't take the abusive behavior anymore, the snubs, the bullshit when I have tried to be so supportive of not only her but all of my staff. It hurts really...so I let her steal my groove. So not the me I used to be. I'm more vulnerable now, not as tough... but it's just been too much. Life has kicked my ass and though I've tried to roll with the punches I'm scarred..I'm scarred and there's no amount of therapy can take it all away.
Kay said, Gem, you can't let them upset you. Not when you're going to try again. But it's easier said than done and I'm feeling particularly vulnerable especially with the situation with my dad. This new clinic requires a psych eval if you're using donor anything and I have mine scheduled for the end of January. Dude will probably think I'm out of my effin mind but if all this shit was going on in your life you'd be crazed too. Running my dad's business is also getting a little overwhelming and as crazy as she is, I'm thankful as hell for my mother who has been a great help. She ran the business for years and even with her dementia, half the shit is like breathing for her..she remembers and has tons of valuable connections, ideas, et cetera. Thank God. I do what I can and I'm getting good at negotiating deals but picture trying to do all that shit, learn all that shit, after you've worked a full day, and try to juggle visits to the nursing home and your own life, and bring a dog with you because you feel guilty that she's home all day alone...so she's been in people's businesses that aren't happy about it, nursing homes etc. Funny story with Tess; I take her to the nursing home, she starts barking at a nurse who runs by, my dad is all fucked up in the bed and his roommate is fast asleep. Tess' bark is high pitched so my dad's roommate yells out, "it's okay Herbie, daddy's home, Daddy's home..it's okay Herbie". All in his sleep. Funny. I guess you had to be there.
Anyhow, that's it. That's my life right now...Riding the highs and the lows and just trying to maintain.
Kay said, Gem, you can't let them upset you. Not when you're going to try again. But it's easier said than done and I'm feeling particularly vulnerable especially with the situation with my dad. This new clinic requires a psych eval if you're using donor anything and I have mine scheduled for the end of January. Dude will probably think I'm out of my effin mind but if all this shit was going on in your life you'd be crazed too. Running my dad's business is also getting a little overwhelming and as crazy as she is, I'm thankful as hell for my mother who has been a great help. She ran the business for years and even with her dementia, half the shit is like breathing for her..she remembers and has tons of valuable connections, ideas, et cetera. Thank God. I do what I can and I'm getting good at negotiating deals but picture trying to do all that shit, learn all that shit, after you've worked a full day, and try to juggle visits to the nursing home and your own life, and bring a dog with you because you feel guilty that she's home all day alone...so she's been in people's businesses that aren't happy about it, nursing homes etc. Funny story with Tess; I take her to the nursing home, she starts barking at a nurse who runs by, my dad is all fucked up in the bed and his roommate is fast asleep. Tess' bark is high pitched so my dad's roommate yells out, "it's okay Herbie, daddy's home, Daddy's home..it's okay Herbie". All in his sleep. Funny. I guess you had to be there.
Anyhow, that's it. That's my life right now...Riding the highs and the lows and just trying to maintain.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Coming to a head
The anxiety is at full swing folks as this week the shit is coming to a head...so I'll either be in pieces at the end or will see a ray of hope. I have my appointment this Monday with the new clinic and the new doctor. Did I mention I pulled up the stats on Sart.org and my regular clinics stats were ridiculously low...so low it's just not even worth mentioning. The shrink brought up the fact, and I do believe I'm repeating some info here, that stats depend on the info going in...in other words on who they actually accept and it may just be that my clinic takes everybody and this other clinic does not...hoping this isn't the case and they'll actually take me...well time will tell won't it. I feel like this year has been the ass kicker of ass kickers and it'd be great to end on a positive.
In other news, my father is still at the nursing home for longer than we expected as he had somewhat of a setback. He continues to hallucinate and be nowhere near normal mentally or physically. A devastation really and last night after picking up my sib from the bus stop they stated wanting to get to the bottom of it so that he can go back to normal. Go back to normal? Ummm, perhaps I've had the hope bitch slapped out of me but I said to them, Uh,,,I don't think he's going back to "normal". Not for nothing but..hello. I could be wrong. I hope I'm wrong. For D's sake and for his sake as he hates all of this shit and I hate it to but frankly, I'm not holding my breath. Aside from all this shit, the finances are going faster than you can say, whatthefuck? and my youngest sib, who is in charge of the finances is in shock. They had given a budget of $2K to fix the new apartment and I said, are you just accounting for materials? They thought I was nuts. I explained, having recently had a bathroom renovated this shit costs dough. Needless to say, $2k went on materials...we're waiting to hear how much the work turned out to be. Yes, we work ass backwards...work first price later..go figure. There's nothing that can be done about it but we are definitely raising every one's rent come next year. He may be discharged on Monday which worries me because there is no way I can help with that....waited over 2 months for this doctor's appointment but I won't even jump to any worrying as I've got enough in real life.
Work is work. I finally had the opportunity to speak to my boss about the shit going on in my unit. No reprimands for anybody of course....may be taken off of my staff list and put in a different unit which is fine. I'm just so done with the whole thing really. Just need my peace but need my ego to get out of Peace's way. I am well aware that my worrying is my own OCD shit and though I've never been diagnosed with that..thank God...every one's got a little of everything and it's crystal clear to me that work woes is a topic that I take too personally. I wish I could just go there, leave and blow shit off but it's like I'm constantly playing these old tapes in my head and I rewind the mothers and play them back...angry at the whole shit of it. Got to get over it really. Just trying to find a way. I've just been praying about it like Mattie tells me.
As far as my fairy Godmother I haven't visited her again and I feel terribly guilty but the truth is I have not had time for shit. My apartment is a mess and today, the first day I would have had some time, I found myself unable to get up off the couch dead asleep as I've been unable to catch enough zzzz's all week. I finally had time to dye my hair today and shave everything that needed shaving...tmi..sorry...and tomorrow I take care of plucking and bleaching whatever else needs to be done.
And that's it. I'm wiped. Just fucking wiped. Say a prayer for me this week whoever is out there as I'll need it. I'll need it and I've needed it as there are too many days where I feel I'm at the cusp of losing the shit.. Just losing my friggin mind or whatever is left of it.
In other news, my father is still at the nursing home for longer than we expected as he had somewhat of a setback. He continues to hallucinate and be nowhere near normal mentally or physically. A devastation really and last night after picking up my sib from the bus stop they stated wanting to get to the bottom of it so that he can go back to normal. Go back to normal? Ummm, perhaps I've had the hope bitch slapped out of me but I said to them, Uh,,,I don't think he's going back to "normal". Not for nothing but..hello. I could be wrong. I hope I'm wrong. For D's sake and for his sake as he hates all of this shit and I hate it to but frankly, I'm not holding my breath. Aside from all this shit, the finances are going faster than you can say, whatthefuck? and my youngest sib, who is in charge of the finances is in shock. They had given a budget of $2K to fix the new apartment and I said, are you just accounting for materials? They thought I was nuts. I explained, having recently had a bathroom renovated this shit costs dough. Needless to say, $2k went on materials...we're waiting to hear how much the work turned out to be. Yes, we work ass backwards...work first price later..go figure. There's nothing that can be done about it but we are definitely raising every one's rent come next year. He may be discharged on Monday which worries me because there is no way I can help with that....waited over 2 months for this doctor's appointment but I won't even jump to any worrying as I've got enough in real life.
Work is work. I finally had the opportunity to speak to my boss about the shit going on in my unit. No reprimands for anybody of course....may be taken off of my staff list and put in a different unit which is fine. I'm just so done with the whole thing really. Just need my peace but need my ego to get out of Peace's way. I am well aware that my worrying is my own OCD shit and though I've never been diagnosed with that..thank God...every one's got a little of everything and it's crystal clear to me that work woes is a topic that I take too personally. I wish I could just go there, leave and blow shit off but it's like I'm constantly playing these old tapes in my head and I rewind the mothers and play them back...angry at the whole shit of it. Got to get over it really. Just trying to find a way. I've just been praying about it like Mattie tells me.
As far as my fairy Godmother I haven't visited her again and I feel terribly guilty but the truth is I have not had time for shit. My apartment is a mess and today, the first day I would have had some time, I found myself unable to get up off the couch dead asleep as I've been unable to catch enough zzzz's all week. I finally had time to dye my hair today and shave everything that needed shaving...tmi..sorry...and tomorrow I take care of plucking and bleaching whatever else needs to be done.
And that's it. I'm wiped. Just fucking wiped. Say a prayer for me this week whoever is out there as I'll need it. I'll need it and I've needed it as there are too many days where I feel I'm at the cusp of losing the shit.. Just losing my friggin mind or whatever is left of it.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Shit
I've been feeling more emotional lately. I actually broke down at the Korean food market in front of one of my sibs which is so unlike me I can't even tell you. My mom's old neighbor was there. She is like a grandmother to us or more to D really and I love her though I could probably do a better job showing it. She looks terrible. I looked at her and actually saw what she would like look in her casket; that's what she looked like. I broke down...I had trouble just speaking to her as it broke my heart too much really. I keep her savings in an account in my name and I just told her to stop saving any more money as she has too much in there (about 20K). She told me it's just in case something happens...code for in case I die. I told her it's more than enough for what she would need. She told me okay that she wouldn't put more away. Heartbreaking talk. Just heartbreaking. A kinder soul you'd never meet and she's been through too much in her life, lost her 3 little girls when they were all young...I don't know how she's not still howling at the moon in pain and agony really.
Today is my father's birthday. He is in the hospital. Also saddens me. He's not who he once was. It seems everyone is falling apart and pretty soon there'll be no family left except for the sibs as they're all just falling apart.
Looming in the background of all of this is my babies that don't exist. Yesterday someone came to my job with a 2 week old little baby who was just precious. The woman, who probably thought I was a complete loon, let me hold him. He was beyond sweet and I held him for as long as didn't appear crazy. She had 3 other kids and had stabbed the baby's father the day before. Awesome. This is my life. I get to see all the crack head criminals with their babies that they will ultimately introduce into the system, and I stand to the side and get bupkis. Awesome. But that's life I suppose and who the fuck am I?
So I'm feeling a bit sad and tomorrow I leave to visit my family and confirm my cousin's daughter in Puerto Rico. I'm half Puerto Rican on my mother's side. I'm there for 5 days with my older sib and with D. D is having a hard time with all of this and I'm scared of what will actually happen when my mom's neighbor dies (D calls them every morning) or when my father goes though I don't think my father will go in the immediate future, or when my mother goes as I have the feeling that she will go suddenly...just a hunch....what the frick do I know really?
I read a quote today about people not realizing that there's not that much time and it so resonated with me. My old therapist used to say that I was living the unlived life and though I don't completely agree with her it's haunted me always. The thing I keep thinking is that I spent so much time feeling shy, insecure, not good enough, not woman enough that I did neglect large parts of my life. The part where you throw some caution to the wind and try out some guys and the baby part. I should have done all of this when I was younger. Even now I don't try with men. It's the not feeling woman enough, or good enough. Mattie at work made me a feel a bit better this week. One of the guards at work has a crush on me and every time I see him he says something to me. He's gross btw. I tell Mattie and ask her if I'm being too pick and I know she'll shoot straight as she's from the complete hood and she says, "What!? You're out of his league. What is he thinking?" Made me feel better. Sometimes I worry that I've been too picky and hence ended up with nothing but in truth I think that the people who were interested in me weren't good enough and I knew it...except for asshole but asshole too really. Oh well. I could deal with no man, it's the no baby thing that is just killing me. Shit.
Anyhow, that's my life in a nutshell. Lexie will be staying with Tess here at the condo which I hope works out...hope Lexi loves Tess enough as she's used to a million hugs a day. I'm a typical insane dog owner but it's all I have really. So that's that. I'm hoping my trip is fun at least a little. Hope I get to sit by the hotel pool with a cocktail at least once. Just need a little peace...just a little.
Today is my father's birthday. He is in the hospital. Also saddens me. He's not who he once was. It seems everyone is falling apart and pretty soon there'll be no family left except for the sibs as they're all just falling apart.
Looming in the background of all of this is my babies that don't exist. Yesterday someone came to my job with a 2 week old little baby who was just precious. The woman, who probably thought I was a complete loon, let me hold him. He was beyond sweet and I held him for as long as didn't appear crazy. She had 3 other kids and had stabbed the baby's father the day before. Awesome. This is my life. I get to see all the crack head criminals with their babies that they will ultimately introduce into the system, and I stand to the side and get bupkis. Awesome. But that's life I suppose and who the fuck am I?
So I'm feeling a bit sad and tomorrow I leave to visit my family and confirm my cousin's daughter in Puerto Rico. I'm half Puerto Rican on my mother's side. I'm there for 5 days with my older sib and with D. D is having a hard time with all of this and I'm scared of what will actually happen when my mom's neighbor dies (D calls them every morning) or when my father goes though I don't think my father will go in the immediate future, or when my mother goes as I have the feeling that she will go suddenly...just a hunch....what the frick do I know really?
I read a quote today about people not realizing that there's not that much time and it so resonated with me. My old therapist used to say that I was living the unlived life and though I don't completely agree with her it's haunted me always. The thing I keep thinking is that I spent so much time feeling shy, insecure, not good enough, not woman enough that I did neglect large parts of my life. The part where you throw some caution to the wind and try out some guys and the baby part. I should have done all of this when I was younger. Even now I don't try with men. It's the not feeling woman enough, or good enough. Mattie at work made me a feel a bit better this week. One of the guards at work has a crush on me and every time I see him he says something to me. He's gross btw. I tell Mattie and ask her if I'm being too pick and I know she'll shoot straight as she's from the complete hood and she says, "What!? You're out of his league. What is he thinking?" Made me feel better. Sometimes I worry that I've been too picky and hence ended up with nothing but in truth I think that the people who were interested in me weren't good enough and I knew it...except for asshole but asshole too really. Oh well. I could deal with no man, it's the no baby thing that is just killing me. Shit.
Anyhow, that's my life in a nutshell. Lexie will be staying with Tess here at the condo which I hope works out...hope Lexi loves Tess enough as she's used to a million hugs a day. I'm a typical insane dog owner but it's all I have really. So that's that. I'm hoping my trip is fun at least a little. Hope I get to sit by the hotel pool with a cocktail at least once. Just need a little peace...just a little.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
today
My father came home yesterday from the nursing home. I have such mixed feelings about our relationship after all of this; shit that haunts me at night. It's so weird really. I had been going every day to visit him as I'd mentioned in an earlier post and today was the first day that I didn't. I feel okay about it. I've cried over his situation these past few weeks and that has been confusing; the feeling of sadness and I've tried to work this out in my head but really, it's just a little clear. I am not going to even begin to try and explain it as it would take too much effort to even try to sort it out in my mind let alone put it on paper. I'm okay with it...as confusing and uncomfortable with it as it feels I accept.
I spoke to the therapist chick last night. A little about the father thing, a little about the sibling thing, a little about the weight thing and a little about the baby thing. She said something to me that's hung with me all day today...she was talking about having seen a doctor who put her on a special diet and though she didn't need to lose weight she ended up losing weight...then she said "I lost a little but of course you have a lot to lose". She went on to try and give me tips on what to eat...she suggested...drum roll please....carrot sticks. Now, you see? This is what I love about therapist (not)...they try to be everything...and what I need is a therapist. I politely said to her as she went on about the carrot sticks, celery, and other such shit, that perhaps if I was going to get suggestions on food I should speak to a nutritionist...she agreed...holy shit is all I can say...man...amateurs! I continue to see her as she's making me think but she said something else that was telling...I mentioned OA and she said, "what's that", I said, Overeaters Anonymous, and she said, never heard of it....holy shit (did I say that already...yes, yes I believe I did) fuck. I'm going to take another angle next time...I'm going to talk about the feelings related to my eating rather than my eating...you know, the disease rather than the symptom..see if we get somewhere. ..*sigh*..
Speaking of...I haven't gone to see the Canadians since I began seeing this chick as Tuesday is this ladies only available day and the same day as OA and in truth it's probably better that I change meetings. I was doing nothing with these ladies but going through the motions and I want to try again to a better attended meeting, get a sponsor and really give it a shot...the problem is finding the time...but we'll have to try to work something out. I'm going back to WW on Sunday with D but it's not enough. I need something to kick my ass down the road to losing weight and deep inside I feel like it's a losing battle and really no pun intended...I mean how else do you express this. I just feel defeated.
My cousin called me today about being her daughter's confirmation sponsor this coming November which means I have to fly over to where they live (Island and no not in the states)...don't want to but can't say no and I already bought a dress as I knew the shit was coming. Oh well...there goes another thousand or so bucks and more stress.. I wonder sometimes if stress ever stops long enough for you to really catch your breath or if it's like one of those torture shits where they dunk your head over and over in the bucket and you just get quick gasps in between each dunk...at least that's how it feels sometimes...quick gasps and a bit more torture.
Anyhow that's what's up with today. All this shit flying through my brain and flying through my life and me just trying to take real quick steps to keep up with it all and not get tripped up by all the shit that brings me down...all the babies around me the pregnant bellies, the time flying by making me older bringing me further and further away from the babies I want...
I spoke to the therapist chick last night. A little about the father thing, a little about the sibling thing, a little about the weight thing and a little about the baby thing. She said something to me that's hung with me all day today...she was talking about having seen a doctor who put her on a special diet and though she didn't need to lose weight she ended up losing weight...then she said "I lost a little but of course you have a lot to lose". She went on to try and give me tips on what to eat...she suggested...drum roll please....carrot sticks. Now, you see? This is what I love about therapist (not)...they try to be everything...and what I need is a therapist. I politely said to her as she went on about the carrot sticks, celery, and other such shit, that perhaps if I was going to get suggestions on food I should speak to a nutritionist...she agreed...holy shit is all I can say...man...amateurs! I continue to see her as she's making me think but she said something else that was telling...I mentioned OA and she said, "what's that", I said, Overeaters Anonymous, and she said, never heard of it....holy shit (did I say that already...yes, yes I believe I did) fuck. I'm going to take another angle next time...I'm going to talk about the feelings related to my eating rather than my eating...you know, the disease rather than the symptom..see if we get somewhere. ..*sigh*..
Speaking of...I haven't gone to see the Canadians since I began seeing this chick as Tuesday is this ladies only available day and the same day as OA and in truth it's probably better that I change meetings. I was doing nothing with these ladies but going through the motions and I want to try again to a better attended meeting, get a sponsor and really give it a shot...the problem is finding the time...but we'll have to try to work something out. I'm going back to WW on Sunday with D but it's not enough. I need something to kick my ass down the road to losing weight and deep inside I feel like it's a losing battle and really no pun intended...I mean how else do you express this. I just feel defeated.
My cousin called me today about being her daughter's confirmation sponsor this coming November which means I have to fly over to where they live (Island and no not in the states)...don't want to but can't say no and I already bought a dress as I knew the shit was coming. Oh well...there goes another thousand or so bucks and more stress.. I wonder sometimes if stress ever stops long enough for you to really catch your breath or if it's like one of those torture shits where they dunk your head over and over in the bucket and you just get quick gasps in between each dunk...at least that's how it feels sometimes...quick gasps and a bit more torture.
Anyhow that's what's up with today. All this shit flying through my brain and flying through my life and me just trying to take real quick steps to keep up with it all and not get tripped up by all the shit that brings me down...all the babies around me the pregnant bellies, the time flying by making me older bringing me further and further away from the babies I want...
Sunday, September 2, 2012
My father, my family, and everything else
This past Tuesday my father had a stroke. D found him on the floor of his apartment and thankfully called a neighbor for help. We are all very proud of D who was able to act and save my father's life. He's still in the hospital and not doing too hot. He's stable but it's questionable as to whether or not he'll ever be able to care for himself or live alone. He is going to be going to a nursing home and then rehab though when this is happening, we're not sure. There is a disconnect between my siblings and I. I guess everyone handles things differently and my youngest sib who suffers from terrible anxiety is just really quiet, D broke down yesterday as it'd been the first time they visited my dad (they have a fear of hospitals and the sick). As for me I'm riding an emotional and physical roller coaster between extreme sadness/depression, exhaustion, a feeling of being discluded by my siblings, and just wanting to get off this crazy ride already. Just tired and I was tired to begin with.
Tomorrow we go for an interview at the nursing home which seems so surreal to me. Everyone jokes about when their parents have to go or if they'll have to go to a nursing home but when it really happens it feels unbelievable/surreal. The day after that we go to speak to the attorney. His affairs are not in order in case the shit hits the fan and it's a lot to take care of.
My friend from grade school called me today. We all grew up in the same area and have always stayed in touch. She used to be my best friend but was too crazy for my ass so we grew apart in our 20's. She called as my other grade school friend had called her concerned for my father. Not sure if I mentioned that my father has a catrillion friends and everybody knows him...makes me look like I don't know anybody really. Even at my job people ask me about him all the time. Anyhow, we're getting calls left and right as is my mother and it's just one big ol' mess. Anyhow, my friend called me to ask about my father and said she and her mother were planning to go visit him in the hospital. She also told me she's pregnant...of course she is.
Friday night while at the hospital my aunt mentioned her daughter, who is my age (my cousin..duh), had also been trying IVF unsuccessfully though she'd only tried 2 times...once here and once in the country where she is from. She said she had to stop due to the expense and I told my aunt to tell her to call me. Whether she will or not is uncertain as none of the cousins are close having grown up in different countries among other obstacles to a real friendship...just complicated. Anyhow it made me sad that she couldn't and that I couldn't and I thought perhaps we could share some type of whatever. I don't know. In my fantasy..we split a cycle of donor eggs and end up with sibling cousins.
I have this feeling in the pit of my lower stomach. It's a heaviness, an ache. It feels like what you feel when you get a pit in your stomach but lower...just a weight sitting there and a weight in my brain, just dragging me. When I was pulling into my complex last night I though of Dr. B and the fact that she's pregnant and I wondered if she'd given birth yet or where she was in this whole thing and I felt an overwhelming feeling of being jipped. I know her pregnancy had nothing to do with nothing it's just the feeling of jealousy and anger....feelings so foreign to me except in this department. I don't know. Overall, I know I won't go back there. I had intended to give them all the meds in my fridge as there's tons of them which I'm sure someone can use but I know I'm done with them and I never want to go to that clinic again. Listen, they were absolute dolls, all of them couldn't have been nicer but it's just a bad place for me. I walked in there happy with hope and walked out with bubkis and it's no body's fault but it's a place I never want to see again.
Anyhow, just wanted to get this out there... Life is an ass kicker and I don't know why it continues to surprise me but it does.
Tomorrow we go for an interview at the nursing home which seems so surreal to me. Everyone jokes about when their parents have to go or if they'll have to go to a nursing home but when it really happens it feels unbelievable/surreal. The day after that we go to speak to the attorney. His affairs are not in order in case the shit hits the fan and it's a lot to take care of.
My friend from grade school called me today. We all grew up in the same area and have always stayed in touch. She used to be my best friend but was too crazy for my ass so we grew apart in our 20's. She called as my other grade school friend had called her concerned for my father. Not sure if I mentioned that my father has a catrillion friends and everybody knows him...makes me look like I don't know anybody really. Even at my job people ask me about him all the time. Anyhow, we're getting calls left and right as is my mother and it's just one big ol' mess. Anyhow, my friend called me to ask about my father and said she and her mother were planning to go visit him in the hospital. She also told me she's pregnant...of course she is.
Friday night while at the hospital my aunt mentioned her daughter, who is my age (my cousin..duh), had also been trying IVF unsuccessfully though she'd only tried 2 times...once here and once in the country where she is from. She said she had to stop due to the expense and I told my aunt to tell her to call me. Whether she will or not is uncertain as none of the cousins are close having grown up in different countries among other obstacles to a real friendship...just complicated. Anyhow it made me sad that she couldn't and that I couldn't and I thought perhaps we could share some type of whatever. I don't know. In my fantasy..we split a cycle of donor eggs and end up with sibling cousins.
I have this feeling in the pit of my lower stomach. It's a heaviness, an ache. It feels like what you feel when you get a pit in your stomach but lower...just a weight sitting there and a weight in my brain, just dragging me. When I was pulling into my complex last night I though of Dr. B and the fact that she's pregnant and I wondered if she'd given birth yet or where she was in this whole thing and I felt an overwhelming feeling of being jipped. I know her pregnancy had nothing to do with nothing it's just the feeling of jealousy and anger....feelings so foreign to me except in this department. I don't know. Overall, I know I won't go back there. I had intended to give them all the meds in my fridge as there's tons of them which I'm sure someone can use but I know I'm done with them and I never want to go to that clinic again. Listen, they were absolute dolls, all of them couldn't have been nicer but it's just a bad place for me. I walked in there happy with hope and walked out with bubkis and it's no body's fault but it's a place I never want to see again.
Anyhow, just wanted to get this out there... Life is an ass kicker and I don't know why it continues to surprise me but it does.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
La Familia
I got a phone call yesterday when I was just about ready to leave for work from my younger sib saying that my father had fallen, could not get up and was taken by ambulance to the hospital and wouldn't I be good enough to meet him there as I was the closest and they lived too far? I proceeded to curse said sibling out (because I believe I mentioned I have some issues) and said that of course!! as it's always me!! and off I went to the hospital, calling out for the day. My father and I are not tight and I believe I mentioned we spent about 13 years not speaking, yup, count them, 13 years. Why you ask? As a child whenever my father was upset with one of us he would stop speaking to us...not for an hour, a few hours, a day, or even a few days...it would last for weeks, sometimes months, and I remember for one of my sibs for over a year. We used to have to beg him day after day to speak to us until he decided it was enough and then whenever he felt like it he'd speak. So sometime in my 20's when he stopped speaking to me (I was in the middle of working on my bachelors..hence the student loan as the check left with the speaking) I'd had enough and I told him, "you're not speaking to me? Well I'm not speaking to you either" and it was ON! He ignored me and I did the same...lasted 13 years until he called me at work sometime last year or thereabouts. Anyhow off I went to the hospital yesterday...resentful as all hell. My older sib called and said they would come and I told them forget it....at around noon they both showed up. I ended up getting home after 10 p.m. as they admitted him to the hospital and I again went to visit today leaving work early to accommodate him and not overly impact Tess, who I've spent too little time with as it is. Anyhow my sibling, who has mental health problems, was there and planning to stay the whole day...a glutton for punishment not to mention how it'll impact them mentally...my father can be mentally and emotionally abusive (surprised?).
While at the hospital I received a call from D's case worker who proceeded to tell me that the program D is in will require D to participate in individual therapy in order to participate in their work program because of the fact that it was so stressful for D last time. I politely (or at least as politely as possible) explained that I felt this was punitive, that it's always the person with mental health issues that has consequences for sub-par staff (yes I said this), and asked if the staff received consequences? She said she was going to be moved to a different position upon her return from maternity leave.....I say to her, "a promotion I bet" she said nothing....So fucking sick of this. Really am. I wish D didn't want to work and my sibs hadn't told D that in order to have a relationship D needed to have a job...Yes, they said this; healthy all around my family. There's a part of me that wants to walk away from all this shit...just leave them holding the bag. When I brought it up with my younger sib who overheard the conversation sib asks, what ever happened to your search for a therapist? This because the topic so stresses me out...Fuck you I want to say to this sib who has run away from any problem D has had, who has to pop a million pills a day to cope with life and still will disappear when the going gets rough...I may not be the most tactful, the most together, the most finessed, or stress free person, but I show up, I deal. I might break down but I step up when the shit hits the fan. I want to tell them fuck you.
But instead I tell them I deal with my idiosyncrasies...and most shrinks are too crazy any ol' way which I believe is the truth.....I don't tell them about the shrink I started seeing as really it's none of their business.
I'm tired...I'm real tired. Tired of all the shit. If it all stopped tomorrow, it wouldn't be too soon. Just done.
While at the hospital I received a call from D's case worker who proceeded to tell me that the program D is in will require D to participate in individual therapy in order to participate in their work program because of the fact that it was so stressful for D last time. I politely (or at least as politely as possible) explained that I felt this was punitive, that it's always the person with mental health issues that has consequences for sub-par staff (yes I said this), and asked if the staff received consequences? She said she was going to be moved to a different position upon her return from maternity leave.....I say to her, "a promotion I bet" she said nothing....So fucking sick of this. Really am. I wish D didn't want to work and my sibs hadn't told D that in order to have a relationship D needed to have a job...Yes, they said this; healthy all around my family. There's a part of me that wants to walk away from all this shit...just leave them holding the bag. When I brought it up with my younger sib who overheard the conversation sib asks, what ever happened to your search for a therapist? This because the topic so stresses me out...Fuck you I want to say to this sib who has run away from any problem D has had, who has to pop a million pills a day to cope with life and still will disappear when the going gets rough...I may not be the most tactful, the most together, the most finessed, or stress free person, but I show up, I deal. I might break down but I step up when the shit hits the fan. I want to tell them fuck you.
But instead I tell them I deal with my idiosyncrasies...and most shrinks are too crazy any ol' way which I believe is the truth.....I don't tell them about the shrink I started seeing as really it's none of their business.
I'm tired...I'm real tired. Tired of all the shit. If it all stopped tomorrow, it wouldn't be too soon. Just done.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
One more day
The day started off in kind of a rush. I had taken D to the doctor this past week, the psychiatrist to be exact. D has a significant mental illness aside from being developmentally disabled...hence my fear of adopting...they'd told us D was perfectly healthy and physically D is..I love D like my own child..the closest I may ever come to being a mother but it's a torturous life D has led in many respects...a doll baby that child but alas and as usual..I digress. So I took D to the doctor who informed us that D's cholesterol level has gone up as has their weight and she wanted D to join Weight Watchers. D refused at first until I said we'd take Tess along and then all was well so off I went running this a.m. to get D, drop off Tess (yes and D was fine with it) and run to the meeting I've been avoiding for two weeks. It went fine...I actually didn't gain as much as I'd thought (1 lb. ) and we're on.
Yesterday I'd spoken to my fairy Godmother and I'm sure I mentioned before that she had spent about 25 years being a nun...can't make this shit up. So I spoke to her and she gave me the whole spiel about God's will and I didn't have the heart to tell her I was pissed at God right now. She proceeds to tell me how her grandson wants me to be Godmother to his child and his girlfriend's other two children who had just come in from Venezuela and what do you say to that really? I told her to give me a chance to think about it. To add shit to the shit, she proceeds to invite me to her nephews wife's baby shower and says that she has the invite and wouldn't I make that awesome ambrosia salad for them? Sure, if you would take some of the marshmallows from that salad and shove them up my nose and suffocate my ass because I can't seem to breathe anymore any ol' way I'll definitely go and bring the friggin ambrosia salad. I'll make the shit and drop it off at her house the day before along with the gift certificate as just the thought of looking at baby paraphernalia is enough to send chills running down my spine and straight into my gut. Kill me why don't you? She asked me if I'd looked into adoption from Puerto Rico..where she's from? Ummm..no but will do it. Look it up and there's a residency requirement of at least 6 consecutive months...awesome. And on top of that they say it's a lengthy and pricey process...great, keep your kids....what the fukc really.
My plan is the egg donor for certain. I'm waiting for something that's not coming...courage I suppose that is. Just for the pit in my chest to go away and be replaced with strength and courage. I am just feeling frozen...frozen in fear and inaction.
Tomorrow I go to my doctor in the morning. Every year they do a scan to make sure the cancer has stayed away and tomorrow is the day. I got my test results finally from the new doctor who I saw the one time and never returned my phone calls until this past Friday. I told the chick I made an appointment with another doctor as they never got back to me and I thought they'd forgotten me. Truth be told I wanted to curse her ass out but I didn't. I have so much anger and pain inside of me that if I unleash it I'd probably have the police called on me. Instead, I cut her off, told her to put the shit in an envelope and that I'd be there to get it later. It says something that's not good on it. Tomorrow I go to the "New New" doctor and I'll have her explain all the shit. Apparently one of the things is rheumatoid arthritis...at least it explains why I can't move for shit and can barely write my name with a pen..even typing I need frequent breaks...We'll soon see the rest of the damage. Hoping it's not too bad. It's overwhelming really to take care of yourself when you're not in great shape. I wish I could lose this weight at least as I feel it would make it easier to deal with all the other shit. I'm hoping going with D helps me stick to the WW.
Anyhow, that's about the gist of what's doing today. I had my highs and lows as usual and made it through another day without my heart breaking in two the way it feels it has. Cried a little only but didn't smoke or drink about it...just played it cool. Hope tomorrow I can do the same.
Yesterday I'd spoken to my fairy Godmother and I'm sure I mentioned before that she had spent about 25 years being a nun...can't make this shit up. So I spoke to her and she gave me the whole spiel about God's will and I didn't have the heart to tell her I was pissed at God right now. She proceeds to tell me how her grandson wants me to be Godmother to his child and his girlfriend's other two children who had just come in from Venezuela and what do you say to that really? I told her to give me a chance to think about it. To add shit to the shit, she proceeds to invite me to her nephews wife's baby shower and says that she has the invite and wouldn't I make that awesome ambrosia salad for them? Sure, if you would take some of the marshmallows from that salad and shove them up my nose and suffocate my ass because I can't seem to breathe anymore any ol' way I'll definitely go and bring the friggin ambrosia salad. I'll make the shit and drop it off at her house the day before along with the gift certificate as just the thought of looking at baby paraphernalia is enough to send chills running down my spine and straight into my gut. Kill me why don't you? She asked me if I'd looked into adoption from Puerto Rico..where she's from? Ummm..no but will do it. Look it up and there's a residency requirement of at least 6 consecutive months...awesome. And on top of that they say it's a lengthy and pricey process...great, keep your kids....what the fukc really.
My plan is the egg donor for certain. I'm waiting for something that's not coming...courage I suppose that is. Just for the pit in my chest to go away and be replaced with strength and courage. I am just feeling frozen...frozen in fear and inaction.
Tomorrow I go to my doctor in the morning. Every year they do a scan to make sure the cancer has stayed away and tomorrow is the day. I got my test results finally from the new doctor who I saw the one time and never returned my phone calls until this past Friday. I told the chick I made an appointment with another doctor as they never got back to me and I thought they'd forgotten me. Truth be told I wanted to curse her ass out but I didn't. I have so much anger and pain inside of me that if I unleash it I'd probably have the police called on me. Instead, I cut her off, told her to put the shit in an envelope and that I'd be there to get it later. It says something that's not good on it. Tomorrow I go to the "New New" doctor and I'll have her explain all the shit. Apparently one of the things is rheumatoid arthritis...at least it explains why I can't move for shit and can barely write my name with a pen..even typing I need frequent breaks...We'll soon see the rest of the damage. Hoping it's not too bad. It's overwhelming really to take care of yourself when you're not in great shape. I wish I could lose this weight at least as I feel it would make it easier to deal with all the other shit. I'm hoping going with D helps me stick to the WW.
Anyhow, that's about the gist of what's doing today. I had my highs and lows as usual and made it through another day without my heart breaking in two the way it feels it has. Cried a little only but didn't smoke or drink about it...just played it cool. Hope tomorrow I can do the same.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Second round of clean up
A few months back, when it looked like the shit had hit the fan, I went through my house and removed most of the baby shit...the clothes Diana had given me and that sort of thing. I came back from the vet today, from taking my Tess and as I sat in my guest room at the computer, I looked up on the shelves to see one too many baby books left and I realized it was time to really clean house. Get rid of all the pregnancy books, and magazines...all the bullshit around. I have one pair of sneakers Diana had given me that are just too cute to part with. I also have a maternity shirt..the first thing I bought when I started trying, that I found on sale at the Gap...I kept that too...though I have a lump in my throat about it....not sure really. Anyhow...purging all this shit in my life. I figure if I ever do have a baby, I can buy anything I really need that'd been given to me. I want to shut down this blog and start a new one though I would like to link them somehow and I'm not sure how that works. Will have to take a look at how to do it.
I still have not received a call from the new "doctor/nurse practitioner" I went to though I've called 3 times and she said she was going to call me by last Saturday...here we are a week later. I left her a message...basically it said mail me my test results. I can't talk to her as she's a nice girl and I'll rip her a new asshole the like she's never experienced before and really for what? Just makes me angry. This on top of it all...just makes me angry.
So that's where I'm at. Still brokenhearted, still crying, still coming to terms with life. Angry at God, at the world really, and unable to pray and I'm fine with it for now though like any good Catholic, the guilt is there. I've tried to pray but end up telling God off and really, what kind of prayer is that? So I've cut it down to a few words, "dear God, thank you for your blessings, please continue to bless me and all those that I care about and need your blessings. Amen". I can utter that at least. Right now my goal is to just make it to Wednesday when I see the shrink lady and I'm just hoping that helps...if nothing else that it brings me some relief. I have my moments. Today I have to do a second birthday celebration for "D" and this one is out at a restaurant/arcade type atmosphere...so not anywhere able to handle th is but there it is. I'll dow hat I can to try and get through it. I smoked again. I keep smoking. It doesn't help but it's my version of self-mutilation I suppose...my fuck you to the world but really I'm just hurting myself...it's all so grown up really. Anyhow, this post, this fucked up post that is probably such a downer, is just for me...just to get shit off my chest really. Shits still on my chest but...fuck.
I still have not received a call from the new "doctor/nurse practitioner" I went to though I've called 3 times and she said she was going to call me by last Saturday...here we are a week later. I left her a message...basically it said mail me my test results. I can't talk to her as she's a nice girl and I'll rip her a new asshole the like she's never experienced before and really for what? Just makes me angry. This on top of it all...just makes me angry.
So that's where I'm at. Still brokenhearted, still crying, still coming to terms with life. Angry at God, at the world really, and unable to pray and I'm fine with it for now though like any good Catholic, the guilt is there. I've tried to pray but end up telling God off and really, what kind of prayer is that? So I've cut it down to a few words, "dear God, thank you for your blessings, please continue to bless me and all those that I care about and need your blessings. Amen". I can utter that at least. Right now my goal is to just make it to Wednesday when I see the shrink lady and I'm just hoping that helps...if nothing else that it brings me some relief. I have my moments. Today I have to do a second birthday celebration for "D" and this one is out at a restaurant/arcade type atmosphere...so not anywhere able to handle th is but there it is. I'll dow hat I can to try and get through it. I smoked again. I keep smoking. It doesn't help but it's my version of self-mutilation I suppose...my fuck you to the world but really I'm just hurting myself...it's all so grown up really. Anyhow, this post, this fucked up post that is probably such a downer, is just for me...just to get shit off my chest really. Shits still on my chest but...fuck.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Sitting in my shit and I really don't effin care
I finally spoke to one of the embryo clinics today. I've been so out of it I just thought the girl was gonna be a total asshole but it turns out she was very helpful. Turns out it'll be about $30,000 using them. Her suggestion was that I might want to change to a larger fertility clinic where they would have a larger selection of in house donors. She even went as far as to look some up, give me their stats, and the telephone numbers. I don't know how I'm going to pull this off emotionally..I really don't. I feel like I'm falling to pieces really. I made an appointment with a shrink for next week. She seems decent when I googled her. Time will tell. I have to give her a chance as my m.o. is usually to just run at the first sign of weakness but the truth is I need help to get through this. I've never felt this alone in my life and so discouraged really. I can't believe still that this is almost over for me. It's too painful to even believe but there it is. Just going through the motions of life right now doing my damnedest not to smoke too much and get back on that stuff which probably contributed to my current situation...who knows really. I'm just so sad about all of this and even that sounds like it's not enough to describe exactly what it is I feel. If I had money, real money, perhaps I wouldn't feel that this is all so final. I don't know. I really don't. Who the fuck knows.
She suggested I try 3 places...NYU fertility, RMA of NY, and Cornell fertility. I get a feeling this is going to be big bucks. I can't help but think things would be so much easier if I wasn't alone and I know why I think this,...because it's the truth really. Just someone who was fighting the fight with me, who I could bounce shit off of without feeling I was burdening them with my misery. I called Diana today and of course was so upset I could barely speak and she was nothing but supportive but I have the feeling that she and Kay are tired of hearing me cry hysterically or maybe this is just my mind playing tricks on me as they both insist they want to hear it.
So this is what is coursing through my mind....fist and foremost...I feel like the game is over...and though I fight this thought, it creeps in over and over. Then I think..I want to change clinics and this I've pretty much determined to be a bit more concrete. I also think perhaps I should do another round of IVF somewhere else...crazy right? I go back and forth. The truth of the matter is I need to consult with a doctor. I'm also thinking I should call my acacupuncturist who went through all this shit and ask her who she used. I'm grasping at straws but this is where my mind is going...Not sure if I can do this. I'm just not sure. I can't stop crying...it's effecting my work. I left early today again and spent the morning and yesterday morning with my door closed. I think my staff are afraid to approach me as I can't stop crying. I'm hoping this chick next week, the shrink, can help me. I just need to sort through all of the muck in my head, re-energize and haul ass. Think things through and get my bearings. I'm sad. Sad like fucked up kind of sad...can't move kind of sad, can't breathe, can't bear to fucking breathe...that kind of sad.
Anyhow, I just have to pull myself out of this funk but I'm also going to try and cut myself a little slack here. I have to mourn this as it really is a death and I've said it before...it's the death of a dream...the dreams we have as children, as young women and as grown women. It hurts. It makes me feel like just giving up on life..it hurts that bad and if it wasnt' for Tess and "D" I probably would just say fuck it all. But I know from past experience that things always get better or so it seems and so I have to hang on to that and think that someday this will just be a memory and really....how much time do I have anyway? Maybe 30 years if I'm lucky? It flies I'll tell you that.
Diana made the comment today that she can't believe how fucked up the cards I've been dealt have been and though I want to believe that this is true, want to indulge myself in my self pity a bit, sit in my shit as they say, I realize this isn't wholly true. I know too well that my cards were pretty good. Listen, I'm aware of my bad cards...they ain't good: cancer, molestation, obesity, issues with D, and belive me..the issues with "D", I lived through it by the skin of my teeth and you wouldn't even begin to believe it, an ass kicker, and there's some shit that's just ridiculously ridiculous. And I've never had real love in my life..painful but there it is. But...and this is a bit ass but..no pun..I had a great education, have never wanted financially (not rich but have always had adequate food shelter, etc..), have been super successful in my own career, more brains than I've needed, and have always felt an angel sitting on my shoulder..always....even my siblings say that I have a gift..and I feel this, I feel this presence of some type of blessing. But it's been an ass kicker, this life, nonetheless. I always say that where my life has failed was in the personal department. I have tons of friends..I do and I know how fortunate this is...but I have had no love of my life, no babies, no family of my own really aside from the one I grew up in. This shit leaves a woman feeling like she's not a woman I can tell you that. I wonder sometimes what was my purpose. For "D"? I fight like a mother for "D"...one of my sibling says she loves to hear my rants when I get my craw up for "D" but they don't get what it takes from me...it hurts me to have to act like that...like a bear..fighting..it hurts me..but I do it. I wonder is this why I'm here? For "D"? I've been doing the "D" thing since "D"s birth. Fine. Fine. But I want a family of my own and this can't be all there is for me...these fucking walls in this fucked up job with fucked up people and i'm grateful...I am but this.... It hurts me. That's all I can really say.
She suggested I try 3 places...NYU fertility, RMA of NY, and Cornell fertility. I get a feeling this is going to be big bucks. I can't help but think things would be so much easier if I wasn't alone and I know why I think this,...because it's the truth really. Just someone who was fighting the fight with me, who I could bounce shit off of without feeling I was burdening them with my misery. I called Diana today and of course was so upset I could barely speak and she was nothing but supportive but I have the feeling that she and Kay are tired of hearing me cry hysterically or maybe this is just my mind playing tricks on me as they both insist they want to hear it.
So this is what is coursing through my mind....fist and foremost...I feel like the game is over...and though I fight this thought, it creeps in over and over. Then I think..I want to change clinics and this I've pretty much determined to be a bit more concrete. I also think perhaps I should do another round of IVF somewhere else...crazy right? I go back and forth. The truth of the matter is I need to consult with a doctor. I'm also thinking I should call my acacupuncturist who went through all this shit and ask her who she used. I'm grasping at straws but this is where my mind is going...Not sure if I can do this. I'm just not sure. I can't stop crying...it's effecting my work. I left early today again and spent the morning and yesterday morning with my door closed. I think my staff are afraid to approach me as I can't stop crying. I'm hoping this chick next week, the shrink, can help me. I just need to sort through all of the muck in my head, re-energize and haul ass. Think things through and get my bearings. I'm sad. Sad like fucked up kind of sad...can't move kind of sad, can't breathe, can't bear to fucking breathe...that kind of sad.
Anyhow, I just have to pull myself out of this funk but I'm also going to try and cut myself a little slack here. I have to mourn this as it really is a death and I've said it before...it's the death of a dream...the dreams we have as children, as young women and as grown women. It hurts. It makes me feel like just giving up on life..it hurts that bad and if it wasnt' for Tess and "D" I probably would just say fuck it all. But I know from past experience that things always get better or so it seems and so I have to hang on to that and think that someday this will just be a memory and really....how much time do I have anyway? Maybe 30 years if I'm lucky? It flies I'll tell you that.
Diana made the comment today that she can't believe how fucked up the cards I've been dealt have been and though I want to believe that this is true, want to indulge myself in my self pity a bit, sit in my shit as they say, I realize this isn't wholly true. I know too well that my cards were pretty good. Listen, I'm aware of my bad cards...they ain't good: cancer, molestation, obesity, issues with D, and belive me..the issues with "D", I lived through it by the skin of my teeth and you wouldn't even begin to believe it, an ass kicker, and there's some shit that's just ridiculously ridiculous. And I've never had real love in my life..painful but there it is. But...and this is a bit ass but..no pun..I had a great education, have never wanted financially (not rich but have always had adequate food shelter, etc..), have been super successful in my own career, more brains than I've needed, and have always felt an angel sitting on my shoulder..always....even my siblings say that I have a gift..and I feel this, I feel this presence of some type of blessing. But it's been an ass kicker, this life, nonetheless. I always say that where my life has failed was in the personal department. I have tons of friends..I do and I know how fortunate this is...but I have had no love of my life, no babies, no family of my own really aside from the one I grew up in. This shit leaves a woman feeling like she's not a woman I can tell you that. I wonder sometimes what was my purpose. For "D"? I fight like a mother for "D"...one of my sibling says she loves to hear my rants when I get my craw up for "D" but they don't get what it takes from me...it hurts me to have to act like that...like a bear..fighting..it hurts me..but I do it. I wonder is this why I'm here? For "D"? I've been doing the "D" thing since "D"s birth. Fine. Fine. But I want a family of my own and this can't be all there is for me...these fucking walls in this fucked up job with fucked up people and i'm grateful...I am but this.... It hurts me. That's all I can really say.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
You feel what you feel
I'm having one of those days. It's the kind of day where you wake up too sensitive for anything really and I had to delete one of the blogs I follow. I've found that this happens too often for me..when their dreams have come true and I can't stand to read it because deep inside my chest there is a little voice that speaks the truth too loudly, that tells me most likely, this dream will not be mine. Is this pessimistic? I think more realistic.. In truth my brutal honesty is a way I both protect myself and slowly torture myself...the feeling that if I don't build up the hope it'll hurt less but really, I've found that the feeling is still devastating..whether you expected it or not. So today, one more blog got hidden for lack of my capability to figure out how to delete it entirely. It's weird really; there are some people who have a baby and it doesn't bother me at all..in fact I follow a blog where they had a little boy and nothing but joy there in my heart..really. But some people, who didn't struggle or appeared not to, not so much. I even had to get rid of one chick who struggled like a mother effer, had a preemie and actually blogged about how upsetting it is to have missed the last few months of pregnancy. I get it, I get that you didn't get the whole thing and your baby is sick but that you missed the last few months of pregnancy...but listen, let's get our shit straight and focus on the half full.
I have a friend on facebook. I met her as she was/is trying to conceive with donor sperm, though she's married. She has only done ICSI and has to space it out until her and her hubby can save up the pennies for each try. I would never dare bitch to anyone how my insurance sucks and poor me that I only got to try ICSI 3 times and IVF 4 times on my insurance's dime....I'll bitch there's not baby for me, no husband or partner for me, that I'll bitch about, but let's get a little perspective on what people miss out on...a few months of pregnancy and your baby is struggling to live...I'd bitch about the struggling to live part..not the missed months of pregnancy. Shit. But that's me and how I feel, and she feels what she feels, and really, who the fuck am I? Nobody...but I delete them so they don't aggravate the crap out of me.
I've been obsessing lately about what other people got, what I didn't get, shit at work and all kinds of stuff. I think it's because my period is coming and this was the last week of work for the layed off people (Asshole) who I promised myself I would not obsess about, ask about, talk about, et cetera but...and this is not one of those "everything after but is bullshit"...this is a legitimate but...Diana came over and told me Asshole information. Asshole will be working where my sibling D spends D's day. Not only did Diana mention this but yesterday while speaking to a friend she mentioned him, him losing the job, where he was going, and how he and Pface had a baby...said it 3 times to me as if I was old and deaf and then asked me if I heard her, and no I wasn't asking any questions...she was more or less going down a list....it's like he haunts me I swear. So...I'm putting these few words about it here and then I have to stop. No more! No more as it's just too hard and it's too hard for me to realize the extent of my obsessive thoughts and to know that, like any other woman, I'm human to falling prey to the wiles of a man and the fantasies we make up in our heads. In truth, I know it would have never worked out. I have a penchant for losers and perhaps it's a blessing that I'm single..Who knows. Only God I suppose.
So that's it for now. It's raining like hell here and I'd originally had plans to go to Jersey for a barbecue but that's out the window. Fine, fine. Didn't want to go any ol' way.
I have a friend on facebook. I met her as she was/is trying to conceive with donor sperm, though she's married. She has only done ICSI and has to space it out until her and her hubby can save up the pennies for each try. I would never dare bitch to anyone how my insurance sucks and poor me that I only got to try ICSI 3 times and IVF 4 times on my insurance's dime....I'll bitch there's not baby for me, no husband or partner for me, that I'll bitch about, but let's get a little perspective on what people miss out on...a few months of pregnancy and your baby is struggling to live...I'd bitch about the struggling to live part..not the missed months of pregnancy. Shit. But that's me and how I feel, and she feels what she feels, and really, who the fuck am I? Nobody...but I delete them so they don't aggravate the crap out of me.
I've been obsessing lately about what other people got, what I didn't get, shit at work and all kinds of stuff. I think it's because my period is coming and this was the last week of work for the layed off people (Asshole) who I promised myself I would not obsess about, ask about, talk about, et cetera but...and this is not one of those "everything after but is bullshit"...this is a legitimate but...Diana came over and told me Asshole information. Asshole will be working where my sibling D spends D's day. Not only did Diana mention this but yesterday while speaking to a friend she mentioned him, him losing the job, where he was going, and how he and Pface had a baby...said it 3 times to me as if I was old and deaf and then asked me if I heard her, and no I wasn't asking any questions...she was more or less going down a list....it's like he haunts me I swear. So...I'm putting these few words about it here and then I have to stop. No more! No more as it's just too hard and it's too hard for me to realize the extent of my obsessive thoughts and to know that, like any other woman, I'm human to falling prey to the wiles of a man and the fantasies we make up in our heads. In truth, I know it would have never worked out. I have a penchant for losers and perhaps it's a blessing that I'm single..Who knows. Only God I suppose.
So that's it for now. It's raining like hell here and I'd originally had plans to go to Jersey for a barbecue but that's out the window. Fine, fine. Didn't want to go any ol' way.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Crazy: Part......Uhh..Crazy.period.
Feeling discombobulated today..just out of sorts really like I'm crawling out of my skin. Feels similar to when I was first sick with the big C when you feel your body is going to turn itself inside out...I called it "the irritables" at the time and every once in a while, if my meds aren't right...I get them. Today I have them and really, it's my own fault...I lost a bottle of pills and had been taking the wrong dose for 2 weeks and finally started back on the right dose this past week. Not good. But that's not what's making me feel crazy..
A few weeks back....maybe about a month ago or there abouts...I mailed back the questionnaire regarding the embryo selection...that in itself, wrapping my head around that, was hard....compounding that, I haven't heard anything. I go to the mailbox every day waiting for something and of course I get bupkis..nothing..nada.. I got a bill from them today which I was expecting as I have about $15K of checks sitting here on my dresser. I'm thinking tomorrow or Wednesday I'll take a ride out there during my lunch and drive them over...I'll just ask for a half hour extra as the place is a bit far, and I have to endorse them so don't feel comfortable just mailing them. Anyhow...it's driving me crazy, and I know this is irrational but you feel what you feel, ..I feel abandoned. I feel like they (the clinice) really don't care and in truth I know they care as much as you can when you have a million clients. I've been there before, having worked in human services most of my life...you care when they're in front of you and that's human and most of the time you forget who they are..that's normal when you have large volumes of clients..that's life..but it still stings more than a little and it's harder because I'm alone I think...maybe it's just as hard if you're in a relationship but it feels harder because I'm doing this alone with no family support and just support (great support btw) from my friends. So it's making me a little crazy, even making me doubt my doctor, my clinic, it's not good. I feel crazy. On top of that I was exhausted coming home from work and tried napping but Tess won't let me sleep deep, keeps pawing at me, so I was in twilight sleep, woke up in a fog with the irritables. Drank a glass and a bit of wine which helped a little but still feel just this inner feeling of crazy.
Work hasn't helped much as though I'd never admit this...I'm having lulls...lulls where there's either little to do or I don't want to do what there is, and then at other times, we're moving at the speed of light..it's like a bipolar work environment. Kay has also been driving me crazy though I love her to pieces..I just am impatient lately and today she was just too loud and I'm crabby and that does not mix. Tomorrow I have to go out on an assignment with her and I'm not thrilled by it. I just want to sit home really but when I'm here Tess is driving me crazy. It's not that she wants more than the average but she is a bit spoiled or maybe not, and wants attention and even after I give her some she wants more and when she doesn't..I'm feeling guilty that she laying there bored. I take Tess everywhere with me except for work, OA, and doctor's appointments...I even take her to weight watchers sometimes because I feel guilty leaving her at home. She actually threw a fit yesterday when I went into a store and left her in the car...mind you I left the car and a/c running while I ran in but she threw a hissy fit stomping her feet...not attractive...snorted and everything..love her though..but I digress..she's getting on my nerves. I don't know what I want really. Just want to feel at peace.
I don't call the clinic, though I know I should already, because I don't want to hear what's next in my life and that, my friends, is the truth. I don't want to get someone else's eggs, sync myself up with this person, inject myself again to no end, and finally I don't want another negative friggin pregnancy stick. What I do want is to turn my brain off for a few days, maybe even weeks or month, and just tap out of this; tap out of the feeling of craziness, the feeling that I'll never be a woman, never be a mother, never be satisfied with my life, my body, my career, my anything without a child. If you'd of told me this in my 20's, when I swore I'd never want any, I would have said you were crazy..but alas, who's crazy now? Me...feeling unravelled for too long...my life in a seemingly never ending limbo.
I'm thinking, sometime this week, I'll take a day off or half a day or something. Just stay home and chill out. Maybe tomorrow I'll leave early. Thursday I have to take D to the doctors so I'll be going taking a few hours off from work in the morning as I take D after work and don't want Tess home alone for that long. Guilt guilt guilt...I hear people leaving their dogs with no problem, and I never thought I'd be so whatever you want to call this but then again, I have never had a dog as a single person living alone and I just don't think it's fair so...guilt wins.
Anyhow, enough of my insane babbling...I'll contact the clinic in some fashion this week. Not looking forward to it..really dreading it actually. Oh well.
A few weeks back....maybe about a month ago or there abouts...I mailed back the questionnaire regarding the embryo selection...that in itself, wrapping my head around that, was hard....compounding that, I haven't heard anything. I go to the mailbox every day waiting for something and of course I get bupkis..nothing..nada.. I got a bill from them today which I was expecting as I have about $15K of checks sitting here on my dresser. I'm thinking tomorrow or Wednesday I'll take a ride out there during my lunch and drive them over...I'll just ask for a half hour extra as the place is a bit far, and I have to endorse them so don't feel comfortable just mailing them. Anyhow...it's driving me crazy, and I know this is irrational but you feel what you feel, ..I feel abandoned. I feel like they (the clinice) really don't care and in truth I know they care as much as you can when you have a million clients. I've been there before, having worked in human services most of my life...you care when they're in front of you and that's human and most of the time you forget who they are..that's normal when you have large volumes of clients..that's life..but it still stings more than a little and it's harder because I'm alone I think...maybe it's just as hard if you're in a relationship but it feels harder because I'm doing this alone with no family support and just support (great support btw) from my friends. So it's making me a little crazy, even making me doubt my doctor, my clinic, it's not good. I feel crazy. On top of that I was exhausted coming home from work and tried napping but Tess won't let me sleep deep, keeps pawing at me, so I was in twilight sleep, woke up in a fog with the irritables. Drank a glass and a bit of wine which helped a little but still feel just this inner feeling of crazy.
Work hasn't helped much as though I'd never admit this...I'm having lulls...lulls where there's either little to do or I don't want to do what there is, and then at other times, we're moving at the speed of light..it's like a bipolar work environment. Kay has also been driving me crazy though I love her to pieces..I just am impatient lately and today she was just too loud and I'm crabby and that does not mix. Tomorrow I have to go out on an assignment with her and I'm not thrilled by it. I just want to sit home really but when I'm here Tess is driving me crazy. It's not that she wants more than the average but she is a bit spoiled or maybe not, and wants attention and even after I give her some she wants more and when she doesn't..I'm feeling guilty that she laying there bored. I take Tess everywhere with me except for work, OA, and doctor's appointments...I even take her to weight watchers sometimes because I feel guilty leaving her at home. She actually threw a fit yesterday when I went into a store and left her in the car...mind you I left the car and a/c running while I ran in but she threw a hissy fit stomping her feet...not attractive...snorted and everything..love her though..but I digress..she's getting on my nerves. I don't know what I want really. Just want to feel at peace.
I don't call the clinic, though I know I should already, because I don't want to hear what's next in my life and that, my friends, is the truth. I don't want to get someone else's eggs, sync myself up with this person, inject myself again to no end, and finally I don't want another negative friggin pregnancy stick. What I do want is to turn my brain off for a few days, maybe even weeks or month, and just tap out of this; tap out of the feeling of craziness, the feeling that I'll never be a woman, never be a mother, never be satisfied with my life, my body, my career, my anything without a child. If you'd of told me this in my 20's, when I swore I'd never want any, I would have said you were crazy..but alas, who's crazy now? Me...feeling unravelled for too long...my life in a seemingly never ending limbo.
I'm thinking, sometime this week, I'll take a day off or half a day or something. Just stay home and chill out. Maybe tomorrow I'll leave early. Thursday I have to take D to the doctors so I'll be going taking a few hours off from work in the morning as I take D after work and don't want Tess home alone for that long. Guilt guilt guilt...I hear people leaving their dogs with no problem, and I never thought I'd be so whatever you want to call this but then again, I have never had a dog as a single person living alone and I just don't think it's fair so...guilt wins.
Anyhow, enough of my insane babbling...I'll contact the clinic in some fashion this week. Not looking forward to it..really dreading it actually. Oh well.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Pain in every corner
I usually get the weekend paper from my mother but right now she and "D" are out of the country and I stopped her subscription so I ran out yesterday just for the local Sunday. Me and the paper have a love hate relationship. My sibling always says I should be in politics as I get myself all riled up by the injustices in the world and I guess I can put up a good debate...it also makes me pissed as all hell so I always tell sib to just can it and mind their own bees wax...Anyhow, as usual, I digress. I get the paper and look for the coupon section and for whatever reason, I can't look at it. It doesn't instantly register as to why and the first two pages are not coupons at all but rather an ad for the Olympics. Today Kay brings in coupons to share and again I'm looking at the Olympic's ad...I look...wtf is bothering me...an Olympian hopeful with her mom...they look identical and I look away from it and up from my desk and find myself looking into the little stand up mirror that's on my desk purchased at the dollor store and I realize...this will never be me. I will never have someone with my curly, curly, curly, hair, or my million freckles that I really shouldn't have but that all my siblings do (we have no idea where we got these shits from), or my full lips or my "near perfect" teeth (not my opinion..my dentist's)...and yes, I also won't have a crazy kid who is hypervigilant nearing paranoia, supersensitive almost to the absurd, fightst depression, or has the overweight gene..but I will miss the frigging freckles, and I will miss the curls and I take a good look at the pic and it breaks my heart just a little and it makes me cry just a little. And I know, I have to accept, even if I don't like it or I don't want it, it's not one of those things where you can say " I don't accept" like I've done with all the things that just weren't tolerable in my life...in this case, whether I accept it emotionally or not...the choice isn't mine..I have to accept that it'll never be and that's it and Amen.
Earlier today I got a call from one of my staff (frantically mind you) asking for help with a client (child) completely nuts and out of control who finally had to be restrained by an officer. I run out of the building to where she's working, not knowing what to expect. He rolls his lower lip against the glass at me when he sees me....soooo silence of the lambs like. Ugh. I asked her, what's wrong with him...her reply? "he's adopted". Fucked up? Maybe. But too often we work with these kids that are all fucked up and out of control and too often they have that one common denominator..adopted...this was also too often true when I worked with the dually diagnosed (mentally ill/addicts), I would say 75% were adopted. D is adopted...my poor sweet D who breaks my heart, just breaks my heart with all they've suffered. This isn't always the case. I have 4 friends growing up who were adopted and are relatively normal...one is an alcoholic but that didn't happen until she was in her early 30's, and two of them are a little whacked but hey people who live in glass houses.... It still scares me this about adoption. I try to keep in the forefront of my mind that what I see at work is the worst of the worst in terms of children, in terms of men, in terms of marriage, and there are happy endings. Diana always says that she doesn't know why God sent me to work where I work as I was already warped when it came to men...who the fuck knows. I know I learned that some men are good too..I learned this from some of my coworkers who are relatively good people (yes, they do exist). My one coworker Henry who was married and never cheated but was left 2 years ago by a cheating wife (he has some serious control issues but would help you if and when the shit hit the fan...good people..not marriage material though) and my other coworker who I won't even give a name, who is sweet as sugar and it appeas that his wife has recently left him after 20 plus years of marriage...nices guy but a bit effem for my taste..but good people...real good people...they do exist....and I guess this is something I've learned from working there...but the adoption thing...it's just been re-inforced.
Anyhow, I find myself babbling. I just...I just want to not look and see things that hurt me so much...I can't imagine living my life with this...living this forever. Seeing every baby ad hurt me, seeing every pregnant lady hurt me, every baby coupon, every child's toy...just facing this at every corner...I don't want this to be a forever.
Earlier today I got a call from one of my staff (frantically mind you) asking for help with a client (child) completely nuts and out of control who finally had to be restrained by an officer. I run out of the building to where she's working, not knowing what to expect. He rolls his lower lip against the glass at me when he sees me....soooo silence of the lambs like. Ugh. I asked her, what's wrong with him...her reply? "he's adopted". Fucked up? Maybe. But too often we work with these kids that are all fucked up and out of control and too often they have that one common denominator..adopted...this was also too often true when I worked with the dually diagnosed (mentally ill/addicts), I would say 75% were adopted. D is adopted...my poor sweet D who breaks my heart, just breaks my heart with all they've suffered. This isn't always the case. I have 4 friends growing up who were adopted and are relatively normal...one is an alcoholic but that didn't happen until she was in her early 30's, and two of them are a little whacked but hey people who live in glass houses.... It still scares me this about adoption. I try to keep in the forefront of my mind that what I see at work is the worst of the worst in terms of children, in terms of men, in terms of marriage, and there are happy endings. Diana always says that she doesn't know why God sent me to work where I work as I was already warped when it came to men...who the fuck knows. I know I learned that some men are good too..I learned this from some of my coworkers who are relatively good people (yes, they do exist). My one coworker Henry who was married and never cheated but was left 2 years ago by a cheating wife (he has some serious control issues but would help you if and when the shit hit the fan...good people..not marriage material though) and my other coworker who I won't even give a name, who is sweet as sugar and it appeas that his wife has recently left him after 20 plus years of marriage...nices guy but a bit effem for my taste..but good people...real good people...they do exist....and I guess this is something I've learned from working there...but the adoption thing...it's just been re-inforced.
Anyhow, I find myself babbling. I just...I just want to not look and see things that hurt me so much...I can't imagine living my life with this...living this forever. Seeing every baby ad hurt me, seeing every pregnant lady hurt me, every baby coupon, every child's toy...just facing this at every corner...I don't want this to be a forever.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Family
Yesterday I spent the day with my fairy Godmother. My Godmother is one of those people who doesn't edit and doesn't edit in a loud voice. She will bring up the fact that my sister, who mistakenly felt she could share this information with her, had an abortion when she was 19 years old. Any time I spent time with her she says, so and so had an abortion, remember? I don't think that's something that anybody forgets. She also anounced during her grandson's baby shower (the fact that I had to go wasn't enough) that I'm using donor sperm and getting inseminated. Luckily nobody in the room was English speaking and I quickly told her this was private...not that I think this really makes a difference to her. Yesterday she says, so did you get inseminated? We were in the car but still, this isn't something you just blurt out. She also told me her, her son, and his wife were talking about me and how they couldn't understand why I couldn't find a man as I had such a pretty face. My usual come back for when married people say this is "why would I want to find a man and be married, so I can be as happy as you"...I don't know any happily married people. Anyhow I didn't say this, I just said, I don't want a man right now which is true, I don't. Later after this baby ordeal is resolved maybe I'll look for someone when a few years have passed. She asked me if I was pregnant and sometimes, even though I love these people and have respect for the fact that they're old and crotchedy, I still want to punch them in the nose. Have some sensitivity people. She proceeds to tell me maybe it's not God's plan for me....yes, maybe it's not but maybe it is and I tell her how I wouldn't be happy otherwise. She says that against her feelings she will pray that it happens for me (she was a nun for over 25 years..'nough said). I change the topic...a million times yesterday I change the topic and I practically kick her with my shoe out of the car in the drowning rain. I pick up her million pound dog from the back of the car and all her bags and quickly deposit them in her living room as my shirt, hair and jeans are drenched and my mascara runs down my cheeks...I don't care, I just want her out. Tess and I drive home wet as all hell but finally blissfully alone after spending about 5 hours with her getting her dog and my Tess groomed. Today we go to my uncle's for a barbecue. I always go when he invites us as it's the only family gathering that is actually enjoyable and I think this is mostly due to the fact that both he and his wife push drinks on everyone all day long and everyone ends up buzzed and happy..me included. I get there and am served cheap wine with ice in a paper cup and promptly proceed to get drunk. I'm a wine drinker and no, it's usually not with ice or in a paper cup but for whatever reason, whenever I go there, I drink it the way they want to serve me and enjoy it...I go with D ahead of the other sibs who are also going and meet my mother and our old neighbor who are already there. Our old neighbor is like family and she's known all of us our whole lives. She had 4 children herself, 3 girls and a boy and the girls all died young from different illnesses and the boy was the only one who survived. This lady is like a Saint though she is nowhere nears a bright woman, she is an absolutely kind woman and D refers to her as Grandma and always has as she's known D since they dropped D off from the foster agency. Anyhow, she's not well these days and I think she is soon going to die. I just have that feeling. I love her to death and when I lived at home she would come over every week and clean my room for me, empty my ashtrays, and the like and I could always count on her to help me in a way I couldn't with my mother. I sat next to her and she explained she wasn't feeling well but had a doctor's appointment next month...I tell her to call the doctor tomorrow...I know she's not well. She asks me if I have any luck with the baby situation and I explain that I don't. She tells me, well, if it's meant to be it'll happen. And this makes me feel better. I always feel like she has a direct connection to God..have you ever met that kind of person? Too good for this earth? This is her. I remember her cooking one day in my mother's kitchen and her saying that the pot would not boil and she finally says, wait, I'll fix it...she takes the spoon and taps the pot in the sign of the cross and doesn't that mother boil. My sister and I couldn't believe it and she continued on as if this was perfectly normal. She's special and although I don't spend as much time with her as I used to, I'll miss her when she's gone. On the other side of me sat my cousin's girlfriend. My cousin, who is 40 mind you, has been dating this girl over 10 years but never proposed. She says she doesn't want to marry either but tonight when she was ribbed with this as usual she says it but it lacks conviction and I, in my ghetto wine stupor, say to her listen, if nothing else, have your babies, whatever you have to do have your babies. I whisper this as my sibs are across from me and my sister says to her, don't listen to whatever she's saying, she's drunk. I tell her, I may be drunk but I'm telling her the truth and she says next year and I make her promise me this is true and I tell her I'm going to check on her. She's 35..next year is a good time though this year is better. I tell her, your eggs grow old and those hollywood ladies are using somebody else's so don't think that doctors have a magic wand. She says she knows...we'll see. I had a nice time with her and my cousin, her boyfriend who is the only cousin geographically close to us and one of the only cousins we grew up with. It was real nice. It felt like we really had family. My cousin agreed that it was hard not to have family here in the U.S.. and it really is. It's why neighbors and Godmothers become family members because there's nobody else around.
The night ended with a trip to facebook to see what is up and one of the girls from high school who was pregnant had her baby. A little girl and may God bless. As usual it hurt only a little but the pain is long lasting. C'est la vie.
The night ended with a trip to facebook to see what is up and one of the girls from high school who was pregnant had her baby. A little girl and may God bless. As usual it hurt only a little but the pain is long lasting. C'est la vie.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Back in the swing
I was supposed to have gotten my HSG exam yesterday, that's the test where they shoot the dye through your fallopian tubes...anyhow, I had called them on Friday to make the appointment and specifically requested a female which they assured me would be the case but I've dealt with these clowns before so yesterday, before I requested the time from the boss, I called them. Yeah, they said not only did I cancel my appointment but it's scheduled with a male...they put me on hold to double check as they are utterly confused and the manager comes on..."Is there a problem with your appointment"..Ummm, yeah they told me I cancelled and that I was scheduled with a male. "No, it's not cancelled but you're scheduled with a male"...I go over the whole thing how I'd requested a female she tries to put it on me saying perhaps I didn't explain good enough...a female...the thing with a vagina between her legs..that's a female..it's who I want performing the test...No, we have doctor so and so...yeah I say, I've met that dick wad...he's an ass...and this sounds like an inside problem to me not something I need to hear about so do you have an appointment with a female for me or not? No. Thank you and good bye...fucker...but I didn't say fucker..I cried instead because it's just too frustrating this process and I've really had enough...I call the other radiology place near me explain I need a female she puts me on hold forever and says she has an availability for me. I say "with a female"? She says no, no female. I say, (and I did say this) "are you guys all fucking retarded or are you just trained to act fucking stupid"...I hang up and make a note to never go there...I finally find a place about an hour from me and the next state over who has a female..I take the appointment for 12 though I know I have an appointment for "D" this morning at 10 and hope that I can hustle and make it on time.
I had asked my sibling to go with me to "D"'s appointment and one of them agreed to go. Of course when I say, you want to pick me up at work as it's right near there they say, No, I'll find it...so this morning I'm hustling trying to do my hair as I wasn't going to work I get a call from the sib...where is this place...I explain and think shit they'll be there too early as they'd already gotten to the town next door an hour ahead. I get to "D"'s program and lo and behold, no sib...we wait another 15 minutes and finally they arrive...awesome. We get through it, I go to the place for radiology, who by the way are super nice and make me start to think that it's just us New Yorkers who suck ass, and get home, crash on the couch. When I started writing this post, I was finalizing my decision not to go to OA and last minute I threw on the sneakers and went. I didn't want to go because I didn't want to answer all the questions from the Canadians...it's just that I'm exhausted by the experience already and it's draining. But I went and of course Sara, who is very pushy had very strong opinions about everything and really, who needs someone else's opinions. Sara had a very bad experience raising her only son and has tremendous guilt as she feels she did a shitty job and to be truthful, from what she says, she did do a shitty job. Apparently she was a wild woman when she was younger with too many boyfriends and she allowed one of them to beat the shit out of her son...left him black and blue and she let it happen and didn't step in so now her son has resentments. I adore Sara and she is very sweet and supportive and to be frank I can't picture living how she's described as she is a Hasidic Jew now though one of the other Canadians explained that this wasn't always the case. Anyhow, I spent too long talking with her outside and it was fine but really I need to make my decisions on my own. She thinks I'm making a mistake wanting a child though one of the other girls Shannon, agrees with me as she also has personal regrets never having had a child of her own. These girls are in their 60's by the way and all of them practice some form of the Jewish religion though Sara is by far the most religious and strictest. Nice girls. Anyhow, I went, I saw, and I didn't conquer but I'm glad I went though I didn't take back my responsibility of carrying the shit back and forth. I don't know where I'll be emotionally from week to week and didn't want to commit so...Okay, enough of me babbling.
I had asked my sibling to go with me to "D"'s appointment and one of them agreed to go. Of course when I say, you want to pick me up at work as it's right near there they say, No, I'll find it...so this morning I'm hustling trying to do my hair as I wasn't going to work I get a call from the sib...where is this place...I explain and think shit they'll be there too early as they'd already gotten to the town next door an hour ahead. I get to "D"'s program and lo and behold, no sib...we wait another 15 minutes and finally they arrive...awesome. We get through it, I go to the place for radiology, who by the way are super nice and make me start to think that it's just us New Yorkers who suck ass, and get home, crash on the couch. When I started writing this post, I was finalizing my decision not to go to OA and last minute I threw on the sneakers and went. I didn't want to go because I didn't want to answer all the questions from the Canadians...it's just that I'm exhausted by the experience already and it's draining. But I went and of course Sara, who is very pushy had very strong opinions about everything and really, who needs someone else's opinions. Sara had a very bad experience raising her only son and has tremendous guilt as she feels she did a shitty job and to be truthful, from what she says, she did do a shitty job. Apparently she was a wild woman when she was younger with too many boyfriends and she allowed one of them to beat the shit out of her son...left him black and blue and she let it happen and didn't step in so now her son has resentments. I adore Sara and she is very sweet and supportive and to be frank I can't picture living how she's described as she is a Hasidic Jew now though one of the other Canadians explained that this wasn't always the case. Anyhow, I spent too long talking with her outside and it was fine but really I need to make my decisions on my own. She thinks I'm making a mistake wanting a child though one of the other girls Shannon, agrees with me as she also has personal regrets never having had a child of her own. These girls are in their 60's by the way and all of them practice some form of the Jewish religion though Sara is by far the most religious and strictest. Nice girls. Anyhow, I went, I saw, and I didn't conquer but I'm glad I went though I didn't take back my responsibility of carrying the shit back and forth. I don't know where I'll be emotionally from week to week and didn't want to commit so...Okay, enough of me babbling.
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