Curve Balls

I had my follow up consult with the doctor on Monday. I fully expected for her to either tell me to do donor egg or give up altogether. She told me money being no object I should do at least another 2 rounds of ivf seeing as I'm "such a good responder"....What!!??...She said Gem, there's no rhyme or reason as to who gets pregnant...she can't predict. She said the embryos looked good and my lining was "beautiful".... Heard this phrase before from Dr. B. I told her I'd been expecting to go straight to donor and I was torn and that money is an object as I'm single and not rich though I would wish of course to be a millionaire. Ha ha..joke when nervous. Now this chick is one of the top fertility specialists in the country as well as a top cancer specialist. She was actually recently on the Katie Couric show and this is what she said: "You see all of this? All of this around me (she gestures at all of her awards and there are many).....my job ...everything I worked for? This is nothing compared to my children. Nothing at all. The best thing I've ever done in my life, the greatest thing is my children. You have to keep trying if you really want them. It's something you'll never regret". I tell her how I feel that I will regret it if I don't keep trying. I tell her I think I've made up my mind to go with donor eggs. She says that that's a rational decision and that the statistics are much higher. We talk a bit more and we end the meeting. It lasted all of 10 minutes. As I'm walking to the elevator I realize that now I haven't made up my mind. Now I'm not sure that I want to go with donor eggs. Now what the fuck do I do? I think it would've been easier she just told me to go with the donor, I wouldn't  have so many questions in my mind. Now I'm just confused. If it wasn't that it would cost me so much money to try my own eggs and then donor eggs if that doesn't work out I'd be more willing to just risk it but altogether if I do two more cycles of the IVF and it doesn't work and I decide to go with donor eggs I would end up spending more than $40,000.... money that I don't have. It would mean I would have to take out mega loans, borrow against my pension, against my retirement account,  tap myself out completely financially in terms of savings, and be completely freaked out by it all. I have a significant mortgage as well as a significant amount in student loans, and I also pay a large common charge for my condo complex. If it wasn't for all those factors and I just rented a place I didn't have the student loans perhaps I wouldn't be so worried. By the same token, I know that I make decent money and that my job is relatively secure. What do I do? I don't know. I really don't. J tells me do one more, R doesn't say either way but she's married and I get the impression she's okay financially, Kay doesn't say either way either, Jo-Ann says Gem just do it. I'm torn.

I want to go with donor because I'm tired, tired of all the physical shit ivf puts you through and I believe I mentioned the illness I have that I don't talk about...it makes it worse and it hurts. I know though that there will be a part of me angry that I wasn't resilient enough....tough enough to hang in though the rational part of me says, "it's been 3 IUI's and 4 ivf how much more shit can you take"? On top of this my meds from after cancer were changed and I'm having heart palpitations....not a good time to decide but I'm not getting any younger. Fuck and ugh..

Another one down

R got her results yesterday....negative. Not sure if I mentioned that one of her frozen embryo had died the day of transfer and so they had to take her last one for transfer. She's got none left that means.

Monday I go in to see the doctor for the consult.....they had initially told me it would be a phone conference but they called to say they wanted to see me in person. If I'm repeating myself, my apologies, I'm all over the place really.

I'm as usual scared to see what the doctor is going to say. I guess my fear is that she's going to say I'm  too heavy, or she doesn't want to work with me, or she feels like it's impossible for me to actually get pregnant. J mentioned to me this week also feeling like she is fighting a losing battle and feeling like she wants to give up. She also said she doesn't think she wants to try donor eggs and mentioned going straight to adoption. I can't imagine ever just giving up on myself that easily....Its hard not to judge when you've gone though 2 years of torture....She's only gone through two cycles and her insurance covers six more cycles..... I just feel like that's a cop-out.. but what do I know and who the fuck am I to judge....(going to hell I tell you). Maybe she's on the fence about getting pregnant, or even scared, and I understand that; she is single like me and I can't tell you how hard it is to go through this alone so I really need to just shut up already. There have been so many times where I question if I really want to do this or not. Even though there's a part of me that can't imagine my life without children, there's another part of me that is so fearful of doing this. You think about what if something were to happen to you and the child ends up with no parents? I think about how little family I really have around me and how none of my siblings have children and how in turn, that would affect my child's future. Perhaps I'm overthinking everything but I'm a planner by nature and I never want my child to feel all alone in the world. Do I have control issues or what? I guess I can't plan everything in life and that should've been obvious to me by now.....a hard lessons to learn for me it would seem.

Well onward....We will see what the doctor says on Monday and really just how I feel about whatever she has to say. I have no doubt that I will use, or try to use, donor eggs. No matter the cost I feel I have to at least give myself that one opportunity though it does scare me financially and otherwise.

15

They were able to get 15 follicles out today. Though it's my lowest number I was okay with it. One of the nurses said it was a great number and said...this is better than having more as usually more eggs means many are not mature. A second nurse said the same thing at a different time today so maybe it's the truth. It was a beyond uncomfortable experience. This clinic is nothing if not efficient and there are times where you feel like you are on an assembly line...a very efficient fast moving assembly line. I didn't realize my doctor was not going to perform the procedure...they take turns according to day of the week. I never even met the doctor who did it as he came in while I was knocked out and left before I came to...like a thief in the night. They have you lay on a cot where you have to swing your legs over the stirrups...the stirrups are not for your feet but rather for you to swing your knees over and they hang from there...arms spread to the side. The anesthesiologist who was not nice is the person doing most of the talking...there are a bunch of other people in the room..maybe 5 or 6. My last place the doctor speaks to you and walks you in...it's just you the doctor anesthesiologist and the nurse...3 people...My last doctor also knew I didn't want my privates on display and kept them covered whereas here it was like come'on everybody here is The Vagina...mortifying. I make a joke for the anesthesiologist about feeling like Jesus on the cross..jokes being my specialty..and he actually laughed as I tried to hold back tears at the fucked up situation I was in and just hoped for a quick trip to unconsciousness...bless the frigging drugs. Woke up in a different room in sufficient pain and did my very best to fight to the top of lucidity so I can hightail it out of there. Ling was great and just waited out in the waiting room..thankfully they don't encourage visitors in the recovery area...very different from my old place...just wasn't in the mood.

We had something to eat after leaving the city, came home and knocked out on the couch..woke up several hours later. Was just tired. I have an amazing feeling of bloatedness...like gas except it's not really gas..you can't expel it and sorry if that's TMI but it is what it is...

Anyhow so I wait until tomorrow for a call to see if any of them fertilized.. I'm just hoping and praying and trying to stay chilled.

No 3 day?!!?

I went to see the shrink today at the new RE clinic that I'm using. In case anybody was wondering, I'm using the NYU Langone Center or whatever it's called in NYC...it's supposed to be excellent. Anyhow, they make you see a shrink if you're using anything donor. The doctor was top notch and I say this with some experience as in my previous life, before I did what I do now, mental health was my area of expertise or at least I knew a hell of a lot more than the average joe about it and well..I digress as usual...She was Aces. She actually gave a very good way of explaining to a child how they came about...the long and the short..you explain about how an ovum and a sperm when joined produce an embryo which grows in a womb...she went on to explain how you introduce the topic that sometimes there's a father, sometimes people do it by fucking, basically you explain that although sometimes it a man and a woman it doesn't necessarily have to be. She said if you say the whole thing omitting that concept of normally it's a mommy and a daddy kids tend to just think of this and accept...if you bring up they don't have a daddy this becomes the focus...she of course was much more eloquent and pc but you get the drift. Anyhow it was a great way of explaining it and if I wasn't so exhausted I'd explain it a little better but ..friggin tired. The one thing that shocked me was that she informed me that they don't do 3 day transfers...they used to..but they don't anymore. I thought I'd faint. She explained that they are top notch and are not going to waste the time or money on things that don't happen and if the embryo can't make it to 5 day, what "they" discovered was that they wouldn't have survived any ol' way...that's what "the data" shows..that those embryo that wouldn't make it to 5 never would have become a child any way. WHAT!!!?? My last 3 IVF were 3 day. It made me feel like #1 my last clinic was retarded and #2 I don't have a friggin snow balls chance in hell. I expressed feeling that this was never going to happen. She said, if Dr. Noyes didn't think it would happen she wouldn't have put you through this. She also said with donor eggs, if it comes to that, they only like to put 1 back in, 2 max but really only 1. I said, I'll put in 2. I only have one friggin shot and I don't feel that positive about it at all..I'm getting 2 you freaks. I've gone through 2 1/2 years of poking my ass by myself, commuting to E. Jabib to friggin get this shit and tolerated all the bullshit at work just to have "the Mercedes Benz" of insurance as the last clinic called it and the money to support a child, I'm getting 2. Did I tell you I don't think this shit will work?

In my head, this is what I picture: A big ass cavernous womb and instead of the sticky gooey shit that my last doctor said was perfect for implantation, I have what sneakily looks like the right goop but it's actually a grease pit, developed from all those years of eating crap, that makes the friggin embryo just slide right out from inside and back out into my always pantyliner..yup, that's what I think. So put 2 in mo-fo's so at least when they both slide their asses out they won't be lonely.

I saw my father today. I'm not that thrilled with the night staff lady. She is a doll mind you, and very respectful, sweet and kind however, I always come in when she's in the middle of her own personal shit. She is the only worker who actually lives in with my dad. When I got there I leaned in towards him and asked him if everything was okay...he said he was anxious because of the men out there...she had men moving some of her belongings that she as having send by ship to her native country...I wasn't happy. I talked to him for a bit and left. She called me at about 11:45 to say my father couldn't sleep and kept mentioning D and how he thought D was lost. I spoke to him and explained D was sleeping and fine...he asked why nobody told him D'd been found...frick...totally delusional.. I don't know what to do with that. Aside from that it's getting increasingly hard to care for his business. All the money gets eaten up by the workers we have to pay to care for him 24/7 and it's not covered by his insurance...it's a mess...we're barely making it and I'm having to pitch in with my own money...not good as it's not like I"m not spending it myself. Shit.

So..that's where we're at.

She says it's not my weight!!

So I went to the appointment today. Took 2, count them 2 hours to get there. She was thorough as all hell and I was nervous as all hell. Cried all the way to Kay's house to pick her up as she made the trip with me..what a friend. So the doctor asks me what brings me there, asks me what I think went wrong. I tell her they told me it's most likely a chromosomal abnormality or it could be my weight. She says, "It's not your weight". She then says, Whyyyy didn't you come here first?! I wish you would have. She says it's my age and my uterus but later, after looking at my uterus..fun fun...she says it's fine.  Tells me that I could try IVF again, that it wouldn't be crazy. That if she were to do it the one thing she would have done differently is she would have let the eggs mature a little more before taking them out. Can I tell you...the whole time I was doing IVF I was wondering why she didn't leave them in for longer?! but I never trust myself, don't want to appear like a know it all, scared to ruffle feathers or ask stupid questions, and I hate that but that's life. She says, if you're producing 20something eggs, and only 5 are mature, what a waste of all those other eggs! She says to find out if the remaining balance on my insurance $11,000 can be completely applied to donor eggs and if not to try the IVF once more...if it can then just go with donor as the stats are better... I tell her I'll do a round of donor out of pocket. So it looks like it's another round of IVF. I don't think it'll work but I've gotta give it a shot...one last shot with my own eggs. Right before I began writing this post, I logged onto my facebook and saw that another one of my friends, my age and always sickly, just had a baby. All I can do is pray.

After the doctor's appointment Kay and I went and got something to eat, I ran home with a ridiculously upset stomach and a little tipsy from 1/2 a glass of wine, fell asleep or more like a coma on the couch and then went to my dad's apartment to begin packing up the shit. I had told my younger sib to meet me and we could just do an hour's worth so they agreed. We emptied his fridge, cleared everything off the wall, all his meds and bathroom shit, Pretty good so far. We also discovered that my cousin who is 19 and was shipped here to stay with relatives from whatever country he's from has been breaking into my dad's with a credit card, this after we changed the locks suspecting he had been breaking in, and has been having friends over. We left him a note along with all his shit we found hidden in a closet for him to hightail it. My dad tried to help him when he first came and let him live with him but had to kick him out, as did the other relative he was sent here to stay with..I still feel bad as it's winter and freezing but we can't have someone using drugs living there.

So after that I ran to the supermarket as we're having a breakfast at work tomorrow in lieu of a gift exchange and bought all kinds of shit...shitty shit. Usually I bake or order a beautiful platter of fruit that costs an arm and a leg but my heart's not in it. I'm pissed at those people or some of them and honestly, who has time for that and I'm stressed. So I bought two packs of $3 cinnamon buns, a box of cookies, one of donuts, all store baked (wow, impressive), 3 orange juice containers, and I'll pick up some bagels tomorrow. Sounds like a lot but really I spent about $20 at the supermarket and have a coupon for bagels and cream cheese combo for $12.99 so..... I usually buy each staff a gift and bake them a little something. Fuck it is what I'm saying this year....fuck it and I'm tired. I didn't even decorate my house...no tree no nothing. My plan is to buy 2 poinsettias tomorrow and put one in the dining and one in the living and merry friggin Christmas folks.

So that's it. I started the day crying on my way to the doctor and ended it crying seeing my dad's apartment empty but I smiled all day in between as in general it's been good...chick gave me hope. So the beat goes on and I'm hopeful again. Not deliriously, naively hopeful but thinking..hmm...maybe. Maybe it can happen.

The other half...of the pill that is

The other half of that old Valium finally went down the hatch tonight. That my brain doesn't literally explode surprises the shit out of me. Yesterday...late yesterday...I go over to my mom's and meet my sib who said they were taking D to Target to do some shopping..would I like to come along. Um..I've done like shit worth of Christmas shopping so uh, yeah! I get there, my sibs on the horn with the other sib...we've got nobody to watch my dad today, Teresa called out. When did she call out I ask? Last week. What? What!? and we're trying to figure this shit out the night before? Older sib gets a puss on when I suggest we take turns...arguing with other sib...I say, Hang up and call the day chick. The day chick so far, Rocks...kind, considerate, and will do anything no qualms. Sib is like, she can't do another day. I say just call her ass and see if she knows someone. I get my cell and call myself. She says she's calling a friend, what's the rate for the day, how long and she'll let me know in a few. Calls me back in half hour and it's covered. The anxiety that erupted in my chest over the shit...not so fast to go away.

Today I'm freaked as nobody seems to have any fire under their ass about moving my dad's shit, packing up, nothing. I speak to both sibs who say, "you think we need to start". WTF fellas really? I won't get into it..it's just stupid and long. We haven't packed shit. Younger sib says they'll meet me there tomorrow to pack. Neither know what I'm up to tomorrow so I tell them I'll call after "work".

Kay calls me tonight and I vomit my problems to her over the phone. I explain I cancelled my therapy session as I don't want to share tomorrow with anybody whether it's good or bad except for Kay of course who if I was a lesbian I would marry as she's just too good to me. Anyhow, she says, Gem, take the other half of that Valium, get some sleep tonight and try not to think about it. I decide to go ahead and take it and the anxiety has subsided. I'll sleep in a bit but wanted to just share this whatever this is, here, where I can say what I need.

I wonder at times when I'll find some peace...to have a baby I imagine you need some peace for that egg to want to hold onto. I don't remember a time where I had that. Always chaos in my life. Hoping for the best tomorrow but trying to prepare myself for the worst. Time will tell.

Coming to a head

The anxiety is at full swing folks as this week the shit is coming to a head...so I'll either be in pieces at the end or will see a ray of hope. I have my appointment this Monday with the new clinic and the new doctor. Did I mention I pulled up the stats on Sart.org and my regular clinics stats were ridiculously low...so low it's just not even worth mentioning. The shrink brought up the fact, and I do believe I'm repeating some info here, that stats depend on the info going in...in other words on who they actually accept and it may just be that my clinic takes everybody and this other clinic does not...hoping this isn't the case and they'll actually take me...well time will tell won't it. I feel like this year has been the ass kicker of ass kickers and it'd be great to end on a positive.

In other news, my father is still at the nursing home for longer than we expected as he had somewhat of a setback. He continues to hallucinate and be nowhere near normal mentally or physically. A devastation really and last night after picking up my sib from the bus stop they stated wanting to get to the bottom of it so that he can go back to normal. Go back to normal? Ummm, perhaps I've had the hope bitch slapped out of me but I said to them, Uh,,,I don't think he's going back to "normal". Not for nothing but..hello. I could be wrong. I hope I'm wrong. For D's sake and for his sake as he hates all of this shit and I hate it to but frankly, I'm not holding my breath. Aside from all this shit, the finances are going faster than you can say, whatthefuck? and my youngest sib, who is in charge of the finances is in shock. They had given a budget of $2K to fix the new apartment and I said, are you just accounting for materials? They thought I was nuts. I explained, having recently had a bathroom renovated this shit costs dough. Needless to say, $2k went on materials...we're waiting to hear how much the work turned out to be. Yes, we work ass backwards...work first price later..go figure. There's nothing that can be done about it but we are definitely raising every one's rent come next year. He may be discharged on Monday which worries me because there is no way I can help with that....waited over 2 months for this doctor's appointment but I won't even jump to any worrying as I've got enough in real life.

Work is work. I finally had the opportunity to speak to my boss about the shit going on in my unit. No reprimands for anybody of course....may be taken off of my staff list and put in a different unit which is fine. I'm just so done with the whole thing really. Just need my peace but need my ego to get out of Peace's way. I am well aware that my worrying is my own OCD shit and though I've never been diagnosed with that..thank God...every one's got a little of everything and it's crystal clear to me that work woes is a topic that I take too personally. I wish I could just go there, leave and blow shit off but it's like I'm constantly playing these old tapes in my head and I rewind the mothers and play them back...angry at the whole shit of it. Got to get over it really. Just trying to find a way. I've just been praying about it like Mattie tells me.

As far as my fairy Godmother I haven't visited her again and I feel terribly guilty but the truth is I have not had time for shit. My apartment is a mess and today, the first day I would have had some time, I found myself unable to get up off the couch dead asleep as I've been unable to catch enough zzzz's all week. I finally had time to dye my hair today and shave everything that needed shaving...tmi..sorry...and tomorrow I take care of plucking and bleaching whatever else needs to be done.

And that's it. I'm wiped. Just fucking wiped. Say a prayer for me this week whoever is out there as I'll need it. I'll need it and I've needed it as there are too many days where I feel I'm at the cusp of losing the shit.. Just losing my friggin mind or whatever is left of it.

Valium-ing it up

My life has been unbelievably crazy lately and the anxiety has been back full force. Today, after visiting my doctor and visiting my fairy Godmother in the nursing home, I came home exhausted with the thoughts of all that is going on in my life floating in my head. Feeling guilt over not visiting my father today, knowing none of the children have today, feeling bad about my Godmother, about having left Tess alone too long, and mostly obsessing about the bitch at work who acted super obnoxious during a meeting today. So I'm laying on the couch with my heart palpitating out of my chest and finally, out of fear of having a heart attack, I thankfully remembered that I had a pill of valium that Dr. B had given me to take when I was having an implanting of embryo. I ended up not being able to take it as I didn't have a ride so had to do it sans drugs. I'm not a drug person so I split the shit in half and down the hatch it went. Jumped on here right after so hopefully it does the trick. I'm just tired. Physically, mentally, and emotionally tired. I find myself crying at the drop of a hat and I know this is in part due to my impending period... ugh. 

My doctor subtley brought up the topic of weight loss. Two doctors in a two week period. Not sure how to go about doing this really. Just feeling a bit lost.

Time will tell but had the thought this morning that I must take action in order to make change in my life. Gotta get my shit together to get my life in gear. I pray I can do it.

Trudging along

I write less and less it seems mostly because what the fuck is there to write about? I have my appointment next month and I'm hoping she takes my case but I've read negative reviews about this doctor's bedside manner so I'm not hoping for much. One of the other girls who started trying around the same time with me is pregnant. She did it the old fashion way. So strange.  She started trying and was using my same guy. She met someone on match.com and actually talked to me about it asking me what she should do. I told her fuck the sperm, go for the guy because really, truthfully, that's really what most people want; the whole enchilada..not just part of it..and she did. She ended up marrying the dude maybe 2 months ago and voila, just like that, she is pregnant. Yup, just like that...just like it's supposed to happen. The whole enchilada. And yes, I had to block her shit from my Facebook page. I just can't read it.

Yesterday, my coworker Jill brought her baby in. The kid is about 1 1/2 or something like that and an absolute doll. She was wearing these pink footie pajamas and had a pony tail and was drinking from a baby bottle and looked just precious...like a sweet angel. I said to Mattie this week while flipping through Pinterest crap, that's what's the hardest, to see the little things people do with their kid and know that it won't be you. Dress them up, read to them, help them with whatever, get ready for the holidays...all those sweet sweet things. Jill's little girl would smile and then run to Jill and cling to her leg..it was just precious really and just sweet. That's what I'll miss if I never have a child, the sweetness of the every day crap.

So onward we go, trudging through this life. Next week I have to fly to see my relatives and do the whole confirmation thing. Not looking forward to it really...just want to be home and I haven't even left yet. Been checking to see if my fertility doctor gave birth...is that some sick shit or what...I don't know who's sicker..me or the fates that when I'm trying to conceive this doctor ends up getting pregnant..that is so my life right there.

Anyhow, that's it for now. I have a ton of other shit going on in my life but alas my hands have taken a beating this week...so I'll say goodbye for now.

My father, my family, and everything else

This past Tuesday my father had a stroke. D found him on the floor of his apartment and thankfully called a neighbor for help. We are all very proud of D who was able to act and save my father's life. He's still in the hospital and not doing too hot. He's stable but it's questionable as to whether or not he'll ever be able to care for himself or live alone. He is going to be going to a nursing home and then rehab though when this is happening, we're not sure. There is a disconnect between my siblings and I. I guess everyone handles things differently and my youngest sib who suffers from terrible anxiety is just really  quiet, D broke down yesterday as it'd been the first time they visited my dad (they have a fear of hospitals and the sick). As for me I'm riding an emotional and physical roller coaster between extreme sadness/depression, exhaustion, a feeling of being discluded by my siblings, and just wanting to get off this crazy ride already. Just tired and I was tired to begin with.

Tomorrow we go for an interview at the nursing home which seems so surreal to me. Everyone jokes about when their parents have to go or if they'll have to go to a nursing home but when it really happens it feels  unbelievable/surreal. The day after that we go to speak to the attorney. His affairs are not in order in case the shit hits the fan and it's a lot to take care of.

My friend from grade school called me today. We all grew up in the same area and have always stayed in touch. She used to be my best friend but was too crazy for my ass so we grew apart in our 20's. She called as my other grade school friend had called her concerned for my father. Not sure if I mentioned that my father has a catrillion friends and everybody knows him...makes me look like I don't know anybody really. Even at my job people ask me about him all the time. Anyhow, we're getting calls left and right as is my mother and it's just one big ol' mess. Anyhow, my friend called me to ask about my father and said she and her mother were planning to go visit him in the hospital. She also told me she's pregnant...of course she is.

Friday night while at the hospital my aunt mentioned her daughter, who is my age (my cousin..duh), had also been trying IVF unsuccessfully though she'd only tried 2 times...once here and once in the country where she is from. She said she had to stop due to the expense and I told my aunt to tell her to call me. Whether she will or not is uncertain as none of the cousins are close having grown up in different countries among other obstacles to a real friendship...just complicated. Anyhow it made me sad that she couldn't and that I couldn't and I thought perhaps we could share some type of whatever. I don't know. In my fantasy..we split a cycle of donor eggs and end up with sibling cousins.

I have this feeling in the pit of my lower stomach. It's a heaviness, an ache. It feels like what you feel when you get a pit in your stomach but lower...just a weight sitting there and a weight in my brain, just dragging me. When I was pulling into my complex last night I though of Dr. B and the fact that she's pregnant and I wondered if she'd given birth yet or where she was in this whole thing and I felt an overwhelming feeling of being jipped.  I know her pregnancy had nothing to do with nothing it's just the feeling of jealousy and anger....feelings so foreign to me except in this department. I don't know. Overall, I know I won't go back there. I had intended to give them all the meds in my fridge as there's tons of them which I'm sure someone can use but I know I'm done with them and I never want to go to that clinic again. Listen, they were absolute dolls, all of them couldn't have been nicer but it's just a bad place for me. I walked in there happy with hope and walked out with bubkis and it's no body's fault but it's a place I never want to see again.

Anyhow, just wanted to get this out there... Life is an ass kicker and I don't know why it continues to surprise me but it does.

Yes, it's more of the same

I'm probably just annoying the fuck out of myself more than anybody else but whatever. I got my medical records today from my RE's clinic. The last note said, "patient upset that more information not provided regarding donor ocyte. Pt frustrated and will call back"...I wasn't frustrated really. What I was, was hysterically crying at the unfairness of it all. But the point is, the papers, like anything else related to resuming trying, made me feel bad for lack of a more sophisticated way of describing it. My gut tells me there'll be no babies for me. I hope I'm wrong but I don't think so. The thought of that is too painful so I won't think too much on it. The other thing I thought as I read the papers was that I should have gone somewhere else....somewhere with better stats, some place fancier. Coulda Shoulda whateverthefuck...I didn't and there's nothing I can do as the time went by and the money flew away and there's nothing I can do about it.

I was talking to the girl who replaced Lexi today....she's a bit odd in a detached sort of way but nice enough and I recently found out she's older (30) than I thought. The topic of men and babies came about and she said she was single though she wanted a family and worried her time was running out. I told her hurry up. Hurry up and put yourself out there as it goes by quick and yes, you can definitely get left behind. I suggested eharmony. It was a good conversation...the kind every girl who is 30 and thinks they still have plenty of time needs to hear...you don't have any time and hustle if you want it... What I really wanted to ask her but would never in a million years and this of course is my crazy little fantasy, is, would you ever give someone an egg. The thing is she's partly what I am, she's got mad ass curly hair like me, and she is bright with my skin coloring. I would never ask her but I can secretly dream I suppose.

Anyhow, this whole topic is giving me a fucking headache.... Living in a world where you fantasize about somebody else's eggs ain't easy...sheesh..

Enough for now and for tomorrow too..

This morning I looked up directions to he clinic in NY. According to mapquest, it'll take me about 49 minutes to get there from Kay's house. When I look at this clinic or look up any of the information for that matter, I get an instant headache, and instant feeling of anxiety, a shaking throughout my body...just an overall feeling of dread at starting this process again. Of being introduced to new doctors that may or may not be assholes. Of working with a new clinic that may or may not want to or be able to help me. Of just facing the music of infertility and fertility treatments again...the hustle of it all, the 'your life is going at a thousand miles an hour yet standing still' of it all. The headache encompasses my throat if that's at all possible...just a totally emotionally and physical response to the thought of going there...but I'm going. I'm going and I'm probably willing to go for broke...literally. Just wish the internal shaking would stop. I gotta build up my courage...just build up that shit that propels you to move obstacles...the thing that came so much easier to me before "the incident" at work...the shit that shook me up so much I've never been the same but I have to move past that and find the old Gem. The I can kick anybody's ass including my own, Gem. It's how I got through everything, through childhood, through school, through cancer, through that and all of the rest though I haven't been able to call it up in a long time. I have to move forward regardless of this shaking fear that brings me to tears and the feeling of being weak..weaker than I used to be though stronger than I was. Shit, that doesn't really make any sense except to me really. Okay, enough of the babble. I'm shutting down the rest of the thoughts for today as I got the directions in front of me, sent the letter to the old clinic for my records, and took inventory of the meds left in my fridge (5 boxes of menopur and 3 boxes of follistim)..not as much as I thought but still enough to help someone else.

One more day

The day started off in kind of a rush. I had taken D to the doctor this past week, the psychiatrist to be exact. D has a significant mental illness aside from being developmentally disabled...hence my fear of adopting...they'd told us D was perfectly healthy and physically D is..I love D like my own child..the closest I may ever come to being a mother but it's a torturous life D has led in many respects...a doll baby that child but alas and as usual..I digress. So I took D to the doctor who informed us that D's cholesterol level has gone up as has their weight and she wanted D to join Weight Watchers. D refused at first until I said we'd take Tess along and then all was well so off I went running this a.m. to get D, drop off Tess (yes and D was fine with it) and run to the meeting I've been avoiding for two weeks. It went fine...I actually didn't gain as much as I'd thought (1 lb. ) and we're on.

Yesterday I'd spoken to my fairy Godmother and I'm sure I mentioned before that she had spent about 25 years being a nun...can't make this shit up. So I spoke to her and she gave me the whole spiel about God's will and I didn't have the heart to tell her I was pissed at God right now. She proceeds to tell me how her grandson wants me to be Godmother to his child and his girlfriend's other two children who had just come in from Venezuela and what do you say to that really? I told her to give me a chance to think about it. To add shit to the shit, she proceeds to invite me to her nephews wife's baby shower and says that she has the invite and wouldn't I make that awesome ambrosia salad for them? Sure, if you would take some of the marshmallows from that salad and shove them up my nose and suffocate my ass because I can't seem to breathe anymore any ol' way I'll definitely go and bring the friggin ambrosia salad. I'll make the shit and drop it off at her house the day before along with the gift certificate as just the thought of looking at baby paraphernalia is enough to send chills running down my spine and straight into my gut. Kill me why don't you? She asked me if I'd looked into adoption from Puerto Rico..where she's from? Ummm..no but will do it. Look it up and there's a residency requirement of at least 6 consecutive months...awesome. And on top of that they say it's a lengthy and pricey process...great, keep your kids....what the fukc really.

My plan is the egg donor for certain. I'm waiting for something that's not coming...courage I suppose that is. Just for the pit in my chest to go away and be replaced with strength and courage. I am just feeling frozen...frozen in fear and inaction.

Tomorrow I go to my doctor in the morning. Every year they do a scan to make sure the cancer has stayed away and tomorrow is the day. I got my test results finally from the new doctor who I saw the one time and never returned my phone calls until this past Friday. I told the chick I made an appointment with another doctor as they never got back to me and I thought they'd forgotten me. Truth be told I wanted to curse her ass out but I didn't. I have so much anger and pain inside of me that if I unleash it I'd probably have the police called on me. Instead, I cut her off, told her to put the shit in an envelope and that I'd be there to get it later. It says something that's not good on it. Tomorrow I go to the "New New" doctor and I'll have her explain all the shit. Apparently one of the things is rheumatoid arthritis...at least it explains why I can't move for shit and can barely write my name with a pen..even typing I need frequent breaks...We'll soon see the rest of the damage. Hoping it's not too bad. It's overwhelming really to take care of yourself when you're not in great shape. I wish I could lose this weight at least as I feel it would make it easier to deal with all the other shit. I'm hoping going with D helps me stick to the WW.

Anyhow, that's about the gist of what's doing today. I had my highs and lows as usual and made it through another day without my heart breaking in two the way it feels it has. Cried a little only but didn't smoke or drink about it...just played it cool. Hope tomorrow I can do the same.

Second round of clean up

A few months back, when it looked like the shit had hit the fan, I went through my house and removed most of the baby shit...the clothes Diana had given me and that sort of thing. I came back from the vet today, from taking my Tess and as I sat in my guest room at the computer, I looked up on the shelves to see one too many baby books left and I realized it was time to really clean house. Get rid of all the pregnancy books, and magazines...all the bullshit around. I have one pair of sneakers Diana had given me that are just too cute to part with. I also have a maternity shirt..the first thing I bought when I started trying, that I found on sale at the Gap...I kept that too...though I have a lump in my throat about it....not sure really. Anyhow...purging all this shit in my life. I figure if I ever do have a baby, I can buy anything I really need that'd been given to me. I want to shut down this blog and start a new one though I would like to link them somehow and I'm not sure how that works. Will have to take a look at how to do it.

I still have not received a call from the new "doctor/nurse practitioner" I went to though I've called 3 times and she said she was going to call me by last Saturday...here we are a week later. I left her a message...basically it said mail me my test results. I can't talk to her as she's a nice girl and I'll rip her a new asshole the like she's never experienced before and really for what? Just makes me angry. This on top of it all...just makes me angry.

So that's where I'm at. Still brokenhearted, still crying, still coming to terms with life. Angry at God, at the world really, and unable to pray and I'm fine with it for now though like any good Catholic, the guilt is there. I've tried to pray but end up telling God off and really, what kind of prayer is that? So I've cut it down to a few words, "dear God, thank you for your blessings, please continue to bless me and all those that I care about and need your blessings. Amen". I can utter that at least. Right now my goal is to just make it to Wednesday when I see the shrink lady and I'm just hoping that helps...if nothing else that it brings me some relief. I have my moments. Today I have to do a second birthday celebration for "D" and this one is out at a restaurant/arcade type atmosphere...so not anywhere able to handle th is but there it is. I'll dow hat I can to try and get through it. I smoked again. I keep smoking. It doesn't help but it's my version of self-mutilation I suppose...my fuck you to the world but really I'm just hurting myself...it's all so grown up really. Anyhow, this post, this fucked up post that is probably such a downer, is just for me...just to get shit off my chest really. Shits still on my chest but...fuck.

whacked out on the weekend as usual

I don't know what it is about the weekends that drives me crazy but it happens each and every time. I think it's a combination of having too much time to think about my own shit and too much time spent with the crazy familia. Today was fine though I woke up at the crack of ass. I really don't understand how people sleep in every weekend though I envy them as it must feel blissful. It just never happens for me...well...once a few weeks back I slept until 11 but not straight sleep of course but it was still good. Other than that it's crack of ass every day. Anyhow, it went fine until around noon when my sibling, who was going to come use the pool in my complex was texting, texting , and texting me. Fine. They says they're bringing my mother with them. Fine. They say that most likely the mother would be in and out of my house a trillion times for the bathroom...ummm..yeah, No. There's a bathroom in the clubhouse I say. They call me a few minutes later angry saying listen, there's no bathroom in the clubhouse, they're standing right there and there's nothing. Now I'm fucking pissed because this immediately upsets me...their tone I mean. So I say, "of course there's a fucking bathroom as I've been in it so don't tell me there isn't one". Why are you cursing at me they say? "Because you have an attitude and I don't need my whole fucking day ruined with it just because you decide to bring mom. Look to the right, there's a staircase going down, exactly where I told you it was and there's the bathroom". Oh, okay. I see it. Now this is typical of this sibling. Any little hiccup and they cop an attitude and the whole world has to be miserable with them. This is the same sibling who can't stand my mother, can't stand to be with her for a minute so gives her an attitude and everybody else falls in line. It's a weird phenomena that happens whenver this sib is around..they can be poison and you have to limit your time with them and beware of how they may influence you. Anyhow, I had offered all of the sibs to use the pool though I realize this too often comes with a price.  Not so much my younger sib but the older one is trouble. The younger one makes themselves scarce...can't really say I blame them... It ruined my afternoon.

I've been funking all weekend over the baby thing. Whenever it feels like I have it under some semblance of control, some small thing upset the apple cart. The whole egg donor thing did it for me. I've been sad about it and anxious about it. I have a feeling it's going to just be a huge financial disaster for me that will yield me nothing, and I'm not much of a gambler..but alas, I have no choice really. I would kick myself if I didn't try it. If there's anything to freeze..I'll have to see how I feel but for now I'm leaning that the frozens will have to be for Z to try out in her uterus for size..that is if there are any. That's the plan today anyway. When the time comes we'll see where I'm at. If there are none to freeze, I'll save my money and pay down my debt as quickly as I can and start again. Shit.

Anyhow, it's killing me this baby thing. It was interesting that when I went to the doctor this pay week she asked me if perhaps the pain was psychosomatic; that perhaps it was a result of trying so hard for a baby. I considered this for a second but no, the pain isn't psychsomatic...it's real unfortunately..she determined what it was at the end but it was an interesting thought nonetheless; that all this pain was a result of infertility. Now the pain in my heart...the crazies running through my head..those, yes, are a result of no babies.

I wrote this in two part by the way and earlier when I'd started I felt like shit...just a bit obsessive and heartsore but I feel a little better after having a nice conversation with my mother... A nice conversation with my mother is always an accomplishment; always a blessing of sorts as they're so rare. But it happened and I needed it and I'm grateful. We talked about nothing really. The gossip about town. Gossip about the family on my father's side, gossip about whoever the fuck she'd talk about. Safe topics that didn't hurt and I left feeling like I got away before I hurt her feelings and before she hurt mine. It was good.

And now the week begins and we'll see what it brings. Oh, I got nothing in the mail from the doctor though I'd anticipated that it would have arrived by Saturday. I was disappointed and relieved all at once. It should be here tomorrow and we'll see exactly what it brings..

Some answers

I went to see my new GP today. Actually, she's a nurse practitioner...super nice...super young. Told her all my symptoms...B12 anemia is her guess and it kind of pisses me off. Not with her. She was super cool. Last time I went to my doctor I saw one of the other docs as I couldn't get an appointment with mine. Now, each time I go I usually get a b12 shot and at one point, not sure if I mentioned I had to get them every day...it was kind of crazy but I did it and felt better. I forgot all about how it felt at the time but it all makes sense now. Not being able to move my joints, collect my thoughts, focus, and all the pain. As I was saying, I saw a different doctor last time, the one who gave me the religion lecture regarding the IVF as she ate the Cinnabon...all after I sat close to 2 hours in the waitng room...she refused to give me the B!2..said I can OD... you kidding lady...whateva. Anyhow, here I am with this shit now.

Oh, almost forgot my biggest news...Allison called. They found a donor for me to review. Am I thrilled? No. No I'm not. It's just that I'm still not over it. I know most people may be thinking that I should be over this already and in truth, I'm sick of not being over it. But alas, I feel what I feel and I feel a bit sick over it.

Anyhow, I'd love to write and write and express myself but alas, the hands won't let me as they are screaming in protest at this short entry.

A little of this and that

Today was one of those days that just wouldn't quit...it was like a mine field of shit at work..never ending and completely exhausting to get through. I think I fucked up at one point and am sure will hear about it on Monday but there were just too many people with too many issues and too many phone calls and too many crisis'. Just an ass kicker and it wasn't one of those days where you kick ass and take numbers..it was just more like holy shit this is kicking my ass and when is it gonna stop. I felt bad as I snapped at Kay at one point. I just didn't want to hear another whine or whimper from anybody and I just needed people to pull their shit together and haul ass and do it right, or at least give it your best shot. Oh well, c'est la vie..what the fuck can you do about it really? Came home and crashed and then went and picked up the sib and went to my mother's. Fine..I'm exhausted.

I don't think I mentioned here or maybe I did, that I haven't been feeling well and for reasons I'm not going to get into right now I am changing general practictioners and have an appointment with a new nurse practictioner on Wednesday. I know my levels are off or some such shit as I can barely make it through the work day, I'm that tired, and having mega issues with my hands and arms and can barely turn my neck..taking breaks as I type because that's where we're at. Been taking a nap each day after work and sleeping hard..it's just not good..am more exhausted than I've been in a long time in a way that's not normal. Gotta get it checked out.

Anyhow, I have more to say about the babymakingshit but right now I don't even want to think about it...just not in a place for it. I will say this as this is what's in the forefront; I don't want to see my RE. Why? Because she's probably very much along and I can't face that. I don't want to face it. Hopefully I won't have to; either they'll find an egg donor after she gives birth or I do it with the other little Canadian guy. I think if I see her I'll cry, not with jealousy I don't think just with the exasperation and frustration of it all.

Gifts

As much as I bitch I know in truth I've led a very blessed life both with my family and my friends. I have always felt I've had a little guardian Angel sitting on my shoulder though at times, when things get hard, my vision gets hazy and I forget to see my gifts. I had a friend offer me her eggs today. That's one offer of a uterus and one offer of eggs. Is that something or what? People are amazing. Sadly I had to decline and believe me I was tempted...the person was of my same coloring, with freckles, with a similar college major and a similar line of work as I do...and in their early 30's and though the age was only part of the problem, the other thing was, the thing I didn't tell her as I didn't want to hurt her, is that she's had to many miscarriages and I only have this one time...this one time to try...still I'm tempted. And if I get the chance to speak to my doctor, I'll broach the subject with her.

Today at work, I had 3 children in my office ages 4, 5, and 10...sisters...and boy were they adorable...they were with me for a few hours and though I couldn't really work with them in the room with me, I enjoyed their company and my heart ached a little and felt happy too. I found myself thinking about them throughout the day...what they'd be like when they got older. I had put the radio on and the oldest and youngest danced...they were great dancers and I asked the oldest if she was in some type of class...nope...amazing. Anyhow, that was my little joy today. I tried to imagine what it would be like if these were my 3 kids and I had to care for them permanently...could I do it? Yes, I could. Weird as when I watch Diana's kids I don't have this type of connection..but I always hoped for little girls..a .little boy would be wonderful too but I would love one of each (who wouldn't really and how greedy of me) but there it is. So far I have bupkis so who am I to pick what I'd like coming my way..what I'd like is healthy...just give me at least one God and make him healthy.

On the food front, this week I'm not doing so hot. I haven't journaled as accurately as I should have and I've been eating not great food...not crazy bad but not awesomely great. I went to OA on Tuesday and there was a new Canadian...she was Hasidic and beautiful and had maintained a 6 year abstinence, 100 lb. weight loss..unreal. I cried the whole meeting ending with uncontrollable crying..she probably thought I was nuts. I was just feeling overly emotional, and one of the other Canadians, Chaya, consoled and spoke to me for almost an hour afterwards..told me I should consider asking Rachel (that's the new Canadians name) to sponsor me.  I want to ask her to sponsor me but I'm scared. I want to try and hit one of the other meetings she goes to and see if she'd be a good fit but really, that's just me procrastinating and not wanting to do what I have to do. The truth is, I don't want to follow the OA diet. It's super duper strict...and I mean strict...it's basically 1 protein, 1 Fruit, 1 veg, 1 dairy for breakfast, same for lunch, sort of the same for dinner, no caffeine, no sugar, no artificial sweetener, no flour, no wheat. I did it once for 3 days..that's as far as I got. The artificial sweetener shit is the killer. I couldn't even have a yogurt...it had to be plain with some fruit and if you've ever eaten plain yogurt it's sour as all shit...gross. Oatmeal with no sweetener...I managed to get it down by slicing some apple into it and sprinkling it with cinnamon...in short, it's not easy. How people do this for years on end is unbelievable to me. I want someone who'll sponsor me on the WW diet...which is possible..we'll see. Procrastination...is the thief of time...story of my life. Anyhow, this lady Rachel, was an inspiration to me as she is where I want to be...100 lbs down and 6 years clean..amazing.

Aside from that, Allison from the clinic got back to me yesterday as I hadn't heard anything and I believe I mentioned when I called the clinic 2 days ago the receptionist was kind of short with me which hurt my feelings. Anyhow, Allison was cool. She explained this process of finding someone can take up to 6 months or more but they're actively looking...okay, as long as they didn't forget about me. So that's where I'm at.

Yesterday, I found out the guy that I'd been crushing on is married with kids. Figures. It didn't hurt really was just disappointing as I'd had a nice little chat with him earlier in the day, and I liked his style though I also found out he's a little wild..I'm a loser picker..did I mention that..I pick losers, they either drink too much, have some type of personality disorder, or are wack-a-doos...Anyway... I'm sorry but there should be a rule that if you're married, you have to wear a ring and if you're in a committed relationship, you should have a big scarlet letter posted to your forehead...I think a lot of people would be happy with this. I don't understand, and maybe it's because I'm not/have never been married..why you would allow your spouse to go out ringless and let me tell you...a lot of people who use the excuse that it interferes with their job (police, plumbers, et cetera) are just full of shit...it doesn't. I've shot a gun with all my rings no problem and fixed shit around the house no problem...just saying. It should be a law...that way there's no confusion.

I'm feeling good today as opposed to the rest of earlier this week where I couldn't stop crying and snivelling but the truth of the matter is, this is a painful time in my life...one of many painful times in my life. Chaya at the Canadians suggested perhaps I need to speak to a professional and perhaps I do..what the frick do I know...but I often feel that sometimes you just feel what you feel and why is it when you feel sad everyone thinks  you need to speak to someone? People feel emotions and half of what is wrong with life is that feeling them, and expressing them is unacceptable. Well, I feel them and at this point in my life, and for the first time in a long time, I don't feel I need a shrink. I think about it often; how I haven't been to see someone in a long time but for once I feel like I'm dealing. It may not be pretty the way I'm dealing, but I am. I am feeling what I feel and accepting it...the good the bad and the ugly. Life has not been easy for me though I know it's been substantially generous in many respects...not maybe in my personal life, no, not in my personal life, because to say that would be to lie to myself, but in other respects, in terms of friendships. work, and financials, it's been better than a lot of people have and I've been blessed...so for today, I'm keeping that in the forefront. Tomorrow is another story..

Crazy: Part......Uhh..Crazy.period.

Feeling discombobulated today..just out of sorts really like I'm crawling out of my skin. Feels similar to when I was first sick with the big C when you feel your body is going to turn itself inside out...I called it "the irritables" at the time and every once in a while, if my meds aren't right...I get them. Today I have them and really, it's my own fault...I lost a bottle of pills and had been taking the wrong dose for 2 weeks and finally started back on the right dose this past week. Not good. But that's not what's making me feel crazy..

A few weeks back....maybe about a month ago or there abouts...I mailed back the questionnaire regarding the embryo selection...that in itself, wrapping my head around that, was hard....compounding that, I haven't heard anything. I go to the mailbox every day waiting for something and of course I get bupkis..nothing..nada.. I got a bill from them today which I was expecting as I have about $15K of checks sitting here on my dresser. I'm thinking tomorrow or Wednesday I'll take a ride out there during my lunch and drive them over...I'll just ask for a half hour extra as the place is a bit far, and I have to endorse them so don't feel comfortable just mailing them. Anyhow...it's driving me crazy, and I know this is irrational but you feel what you feel, ..I feel abandoned. I feel like they (the clinice) really don't care and in truth I know they care as much as you can when you have a million clients. I've been there before, having worked in human services most of my life...you care when they're in front of you and that's human and most of the time you forget who they are..that's normal when you have large volumes of clients..that's life..but it still stings more than a little and it's harder because I'm alone I think...maybe it's just as hard if you're in a relationship but it feels harder because I'm doing this alone with no family support and just support (great support btw) from my friends. So it's making me a little crazy, even making me doubt my doctor, my clinic, it's not good. I feel crazy. On top of that I was exhausted coming home from work and tried napping but Tess won't let me sleep deep, keeps pawing at me, so I was in twilight sleep, woke up in a fog with the irritables. Drank a glass and a bit of wine which helped a little but still feel just this inner feeling of crazy.

Work hasn't helped much as though I'd never admit this...I'm having lulls...lulls where there's either little to do or I don't want to do what there is, and then at other times, we're moving at the speed of light..it's like a bipolar work environment. Kay has also been driving me crazy though I love her to pieces..I just am impatient lately and today she was just too loud and I'm crabby and that does not mix. Tomorrow I have to go out on an assignment with her and I'm not thrilled by it. I just want to sit home really but when I'm here Tess is driving me crazy. It's not that she wants more than the average but she is a bit spoiled or maybe not, and wants attention and even after I give her some she wants more and when she doesn't..I'm feeling guilty that she laying there bored. I take Tess everywhere with me except for work, OA, and doctor's appointments...I even take her to weight watchers sometimes because I feel guilty leaving her at home. She actually threw a fit yesterday when I went into a store and left her in the car...mind you I left the car and a/c running while I ran in but she threw a hissy fit stomping her feet...not attractive...snorted and everything..love her though..but I digress..she's getting on my nerves. I don't know what I want really. Just want to feel at peace.

I don't call the clinic, though I know I should already, because I don't want to hear what's next in my life and that, my friends, is the truth. I don't want to get someone else's eggs, sync myself up with this person, inject myself again to no end, and finally I don't want another negative friggin pregnancy stick. What I do want is to turn my brain off for a few days, maybe even weeks or month, and just tap out of this; tap out of the feeling of craziness, the feeling that I'll never be a woman, never be a mother, never be satisfied with my life, my body, my career, my anything without a child. If you'd of told me this in my 20's, when I swore I'd never want any, I would have said you were crazy..but alas, who's crazy now? Me...feeling unravelled for too long...my life in a seemingly never ending limbo.

I'm thinking, sometime this week, I'll take a day off or half a day or something. Just stay home and chill out. Maybe tomorrow I'll leave early. Thursday I have to take D to the doctors so I'll be going taking a few hours off from work in the morning as I take D after work and don't want Tess home alone for that long. Guilt guilt guilt...I hear people leaving their dogs with no problem, and I never thought I'd be so whatever you want to call this but then again, I have never had a dog as a single person living alone and I just don't think it's fair so...guilt wins.

Anyhow, enough of my insane babbling...I'll contact the clinic in some fashion this week. Not looking forward to it..really dreading it actually. Oh well.

Phone calls

I had my HSG scheduled for this morning. Funny how some things happen. My test was at 9 a.m. in east jabib New Jersey (not a real place btw) so I needed an hour to get there. I set my alarm for 7:30 a.m.....why this would make sense to me I have no idea. So here I am this morning cutting up Tessa's food (It comes in a block, don't ask), and I look at the clock and it says 7:45 a.m. and I think to myself...what the fuck? What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck?! was I thinking. I put down her food and water, hightail it to the shower (hello it's not like I'm going somewhere where skipping would even be an option), scrub myself all over, scrub again, rinse, brush the teeth, thank God that I had set out all my clothes, underclothes et cetera the night before, jump in it, throw some makeup on and I'm out of the house at 8a.m. ..shit. I get there with 10 minutes to spare and finally a male attendant calls me in (.....huh) and they explain he's helping as the other chick's not in but will wait outside while anything is going on and come in when he has to shoot the pics...fine. She puts the shit in, it HURTSSSSS like a motherfucker...more pain than I think I can withstand and I lay there whimpering because it's that painful. I turn, I turn the other way, I'm done. She says it all looks clear though there is some scalloping though she doesn't think this is significant in any way. I think, what the fuck is scalloping? I think of roof shingles, clothing hems and potatoes...I don't know what she's talking about but in true Gem stupidity, I don't ask...I can only think of one thing which is getting out of there, taking some advils and relieving the stress and pain...I get my films and I'm out. Okay cool beans. I leave, program my GPS to go to my doctor's office to see how far and figure out it's only 15-20 away and off I go. Drop the shit off, go grocery shopping and I'm home.

I'm putting the stuff away and my cell rings...restricted call...The chick says she's Sandra and so and so gave her my number regarding international adoption. I think to myself, "shit, really". I'm not ready. I'm not ready for this yet, I don't know. She tells me all about the process, explains it's pricey and takes about a year. She has a connection that could save me $10K...I do have to go to Haiti (UGH!!)...I get the information, thank her, call her the wrong name of course because it wouldn't be me if I didn't fuck up your name, and we hang up.

I fall asleep on the couch and wake up 2 hours later. Dr. B calls. She says the top of the uterus looks perfect however the middle appears as if there is some constriction, perhaps the fibroid is pressing on the uterus though she thinks the space is "adequate enough to carry a pregnancy". Fuck, I think, adequate is not perfect....adequate is code for maybe. Okay, where do we go from here. She asks me what I've decided and says she can't remember my choices clearly. Shit, she can't remember...I thought I was special...*sigh*..alas it appears I'm just average. Moving on from my sarcastic thoughts, I tell her I thought we were moving in the direction of donor egg with my uterus. She asks if I've made a wish list. Wish list? She says she has one donor in mind that matches my ethnicity that she's thinking of...hmmm...okay...the rest of the conversation is just basic bullshit...bullshit that still hurts but only because of what we're talking about, not because of how it's delivered. She'll have Allison the person in charge of donors call me. I thank her. I want to cry as all I can do is picture her sitting there pregnant talking to me about using one particular chicks donor eggs that she has in mind because she is my same race and I wonder if she even knows what race I am. I'm upset obviously but it's not the conversation...it's really just about a million different things, a million different difficult and painful reasons.

 I don't care what race I get which is something that someone else might care about.. but me, not so much. So it's not matchy matchy...don't care. I need the chick to have gone to college, have not done drugs, not have been a total slut or loser or unable to concentrate or given her mother hell. I want her to be smart, gentle, and sweet as I'm not fully convinced that these attributes are all gathered through nurture rather than nature. I want to know why she's giving up her eggs for 8 thousand dollars because you couldn't give me a million dollars for one itty bitty one of mine even if they are no good just because there is a possibility that my baby may be going home with you. But if it wasn't for the fact that she didn't think like me, didn't look at her eggs as too precious to give away, I'd have no chance at all. Shit. Shit, shit, shit, and shit. I guess I still haven't fully absorbed the idea of using someone else's eggs. I can't explain it really but I imagine that everyone feels this way, that this decision isn't an easy one for anybody, and that this idea, as sickening as it is, and I'm sorry to say that it is, is easier to digest than the thought of travelling to Haiti to adopt someone else's baby. That sentence, as horrible as it is in content and probably in grammar, is too true...painful, selfish, perhaps egomaniacal but true. It's how I feel, right or wrong. And I can't help but wonder, am I just grasping at straws here. Is this some bone they throw you when you want something that's never going to happen? I don't know..I don't know. I'm scared....I'm scared it's over..and I'm scared it won't work.

I wait for Allison's phone call and we'll see what that brings. Can't wait.