Gifts

As much as I bitch I know in truth I've led a very blessed life both with my family and my friends. I have always felt I've had a little guardian Angel sitting on my shoulder though at times, when things get hard, my vision gets hazy and I forget to see my gifts. I had a friend offer me her eggs today. That's one offer of a uterus and one offer of eggs. Is that something or what? People are amazing. Sadly I had to decline and believe me I was tempted...the person was of my same coloring, with freckles, with a similar college major and a similar line of work as I do...and in their early 30's and though the age was only part of the problem, the other thing was, the thing I didn't tell her as I didn't want to hurt her, is that she's had to many miscarriages and I only have this one time...this one time to try...still I'm tempted. And if I get the chance to speak to my doctor, I'll broach the subject with her.

Today at work, I had 3 children in my office ages 4, 5, and 10...sisters...and boy were they adorable...they were with me for a few hours and though I couldn't really work with them in the room with me, I enjoyed their company and my heart ached a little and felt happy too. I found myself thinking about them throughout the day...what they'd be like when they got older. I had put the radio on and the oldest and youngest danced...they were great dancers and I asked the oldest if she was in some type of class...nope...amazing. Anyhow, that was my little joy today. I tried to imagine what it would be like if these were my 3 kids and I had to care for them permanently...could I do it? Yes, I could. Weird as when I watch Diana's kids I don't have this type of connection..but I always hoped for little girls..a .little boy would be wonderful too but I would love one of each (who wouldn't really and how greedy of me) but there it is. So far I have bupkis so who am I to pick what I'd like coming my way..what I'd like is healthy...just give me at least one God and make him healthy.

On the food front, this week I'm not doing so hot. I haven't journaled as accurately as I should have and I've been eating not great food...not crazy bad but not awesomely great. I went to OA on Tuesday and there was a new Canadian...she was Hasidic and beautiful and had maintained a 6 year abstinence, 100 lb. weight loss..unreal. I cried the whole meeting ending with uncontrollable crying..she probably thought I was nuts. I was just feeling overly emotional, and one of the other Canadians, Chaya, consoled and spoke to me for almost an hour afterwards..told me I should consider asking Rachel (that's the new Canadians name) to sponsor me.  I want to ask her to sponsor me but I'm scared. I want to try and hit one of the other meetings she goes to and see if she'd be a good fit but really, that's just me procrastinating and not wanting to do what I have to do. The truth is, I don't want to follow the OA diet. It's super duper strict...and I mean strict...it's basically 1 protein, 1 Fruit, 1 veg, 1 dairy for breakfast, same for lunch, sort of the same for dinner, no caffeine, no sugar, no artificial sweetener, no flour, no wheat. I did it once for 3 days..that's as far as I got. The artificial sweetener shit is the killer. I couldn't even have a yogurt...it had to be plain with some fruit and if you've ever eaten plain yogurt it's sour as all shit...gross. Oatmeal with no sweetener...I managed to get it down by slicing some apple into it and sprinkling it with cinnamon...in short, it's not easy. How people do this for years on end is unbelievable to me. I want someone who'll sponsor me on the WW diet...which is possible..we'll see. Procrastination...is the thief of time...story of my life. Anyhow, this lady Rachel, was an inspiration to me as she is where I want to be...100 lbs down and 6 years clean..amazing.

Aside from that, Allison from the clinic got back to me yesterday as I hadn't heard anything and I believe I mentioned when I called the clinic 2 days ago the receptionist was kind of short with me which hurt my feelings. Anyhow, Allison was cool. She explained this process of finding someone can take up to 6 months or more but they're actively looking...okay, as long as they didn't forget about me. So that's where I'm at.

Yesterday, I found out the guy that I'd been crushing on is married with kids. Figures. It didn't hurt really was just disappointing as I'd had a nice little chat with him earlier in the day, and I liked his style though I also found out he's a little wild..I'm a loser picker..did I mention that..I pick losers, they either drink too much, have some type of personality disorder, or are wack-a-doos...Anyway... I'm sorry but there should be a rule that if you're married, you have to wear a ring and if you're in a committed relationship, you should have a big scarlet letter posted to your forehead...I think a lot of people would be happy with this. I don't understand, and maybe it's because I'm not/have never been married..why you would allow your spouse to go out ringless and let me tell you...a lot of people who use the excuse that it interferes with their job (police, plumbers, et cetera) are just full of shit...it doesn't. I've shot a gun with all my rings no problem and fixed shit around the house no problem...just saying. It should be a law...that way there's no confusion.

I'm feeling good today as opposed to the rest of earlier this week where I couldn't stop crying and snivelling but the truth of the matter is, this is a painful time in my life...one of many painful times in my life. Chaya at the Canadians suggested perhaps I need to speak to a professional and perhaps I do..what the frick do I know...but I often feel that sometimes you just feel what you feel and why is it when you feel sad everyone thinks  you need to speak to someone? People feel emotions and half of what is wrong with life is that feeling them, and expressing them is unacceptable. Well, I feel them and at this point in my life, and for the first time in a long time, I don't feel I need a shrink. I think about it often; how I haven't been to see someone in a long time but for once I feel like I'm dealing. It may not be pretty the way I'm dealing, but I am. I am feeling what I feel and accepting it...the good the bad and the ugly. Life has not been easy for me though I know it's been substantially generous in many respects...not maybe in my personal life, no, not in my personal life, because to say that would be to lie to myself, but in other respects, in terms of friendships. work, and financials, it's been better than a lot of people have and I've been blessed...so for today, I'm keeping that in the forefront. Tomorrow is another story..

Walking, praying, and talking to myself

Just came back from a walk with Tess...just around the complex. Said my prayers on my way around..just felt like crying and I started a conversation with the Big Guy in order to avoid waterworks and decided to make it official and say all my prayers. Was a little worried that someone would see me talking to myself but my need to beg overrode any fear that the neighbors would think I had lost it. I've taken to just pleading with God for help with this...it's a desperation I've felt at other moments of my life..uncomfortable, and humbling and I just need this pain to end; I need for this to happen for me. I fear that perhaps I want it too desperately to happen..that I'll drive myself to an emotionally distraught state that will contribute to my difficulty in conceiving and I tellyou, my job ain't helping. Really..how can you go to a million meetings in a week, make a million lists of shit for different people, have piles and piles of mail to read, and actually get your work done...how does this happen? I don't know. I can't even get to the mail part of it...it's too much..just too much work and I see the other supervisor..the one from "the incident" chilling all day doing nothing..literally doing nothing..but really, who gives a fuck..I'm just trying to do me and focus on what I have to do and not lose it. It's easier for me when Mattie is there. I don't know if it's because she's older or because she's black and 'street' that people tend not to mess with me when she's in the office. This isn't in my head as I mentioned it to Kay who said she'd noticed this to be true too, that people don't mess with me when she's there...actually tend to not come into my office..love it!!.. She's not menacing in any way you just know she won't take your shit..don't know how I know this you just do. She is very helpful to me emotionally and I feel protected with her there with me..an odd feeling really that she does this...the poor woman is getting paid literally minimum wage and alternates between a 20 hour week and a 4 hour week..4 hour weeks are hard..this is a 4 hour week. I'm lucky to have her. She reminds me so much of my fairy godmother..though my fairy godmother was never a crack addict..actually was the complete opposite having spent a significant portion of her life in the convent. Anyhow, she came when I needed an Angel and a protector and I felt that right off. Funny how things happen. When she first met me (as a client and no, I don't remember) she said I was a total witch..surprise! and then when she interviewed and saw it was me she said she thought in her head "great, I'm screwed" but that's not how it happened. She didn't realize I was only cold as we interviewed with my boss with whom I'm always cold and standoffish...as soon as she moved into my office..I set her up and she said it was like meeting a different person. Ha ha!! I was protective of her from the jump as my staff thought she was going to be their little slave until I explained she is only there to help me..not them..Mattie was grateful as have I mentioned I work with bitches..and she got this the first day in...actually had a confrontation with one and said "I'll fix her"..I said how? she said, "I'm going to pray for her"..deep huh? Now nobody gives her work but me or she can request work from a few people if she chooses..that's how it goes.. Truth is she really sucks as a helper. She does stamp in my mail and alphabetize it though I use the term alphabetize loosely...oh well...don't really care. She also has tasks that she refuses to do for me as she simply hates them...don't care. I often think that she's a little blessing sent to help me as she came, like I said, when I needed someone and also helps me with navigating the 12 step process..she has over 20 years clean and sober...though I'll admit I get annoyed with her when she acts greedy or too ghetto, hate the smell of her lotion and I mean hate! and I end up squished in my office having to share with her..I'm the only one who shares but this was my choice... and in truth I have a pretty big office so I'm not really that squished it's just I have a lot of shit so having her in there is sometimes too full. But I couldn't leave her out there exposed to the wolves..not that she can't take care of herself but it would be different fighting styles and these bitches are clever... So there you have it..my story on Mattie.
I've been so teary this week it's been hard to be at work and I have had a million and one things to try and get done. I guess I should be grateful for the distractions. It's just that work is so unpleasant. One of the girls approached me today on an innocent comment I made yesterday just asked me what my motivation was in sharing with her...duh ass, just to share..when I explained that perhaps I overshared she said that I never share and am always guarded..you think? Hmmm..made one remark and I'm getting cross-examined..can't imagine what it'd be like if I spoke freely. Anyhow, this is just a rant and babble..I know it's not interesting but it's what's floating in my head..Shit, just remember I forgot to buy sperm today..fuck. This is how my mind is lately just air headed..My car goes in the shop Monday and though I've only been without it one day..I miss it terribly. There's nothing like your own car that you know like the back of your hand and mine is an oldie but a goody..people ask me if I don't plan to buy a new one and the only way that'll happen is if a baby is coming then for safety reason it might be a good idea and if you saw my car you'd know what I mean..an old truck and it ain't smooth..love it. Am driving my families old car which drives opposite of mine, like you're floating..but doesn't have working wipers, working radio, and can turn off unexpectedly and sometimes not turn back on so..want my car back..
Okay, enough babbling..
Oh, I have a little crush..not sure I mentioned..saw him yesterday and we spoke briefly..cute..wish I was back to my good weight and then I'd go for it but right now feeling gross..but it's nice to feel like a woman sometimes and lately with the whole body, weight, no baby, et cetera phenomenon..so don't feel like a woman.

Just waiting

So at around 3 p.m. I called the RE's office as my doctor had said they'd be contacting me with instructions as to when I was doing the implantation, saying most likely Thursday. The nurse told me I'd have to call tomorrow between 8:30 and 9 to see if I was actually going Thursday or Friday. I explained that my shift starts at 8 and this makes it difficult. She explained the embryos may or may not be ready and they'd have to check on them in the morning...Oh. Well that trumps it's going to be difficult for me to leave work, right? I called my friend Ling who had said she could take me tomorrow to explain and she said didn't think it'd be a problem. I was going to ask Kay again but she's been super stressed and high voltage and right now I need peace and serenity. Ling is not the healthiest emotionally but she's someone who usually does well when dealing with sick people so.. and she was more than willing. I helped her with her children when they were little and still they come over for major homework assignments regularly so she is always saying she owes me which so isn't true..though at one time I saved one of her kid's lives..we joke about this. Those were our days of afternoon cocktails every day and working nights..back when neither of us had any and I mean any money. We had lost contact for a while and upon reconnecting she let me know she had developed a drinkig problem. I always look back and think..thank God I walked away when I did with just the smoking habit and the food issue..alcohol on top of it would have sent me over the edge. She struggles with the alcohol at night mostly..mostly wine. If worse comes to worse, I can drive myself but can't take the valium they suggest you take before the procedure..I really want the valium..so unlike me but I've had enough already. If you saw my body, I have bruises all over my arms, my stomach and one so large on my hand from the IV, a coworker actually gasped today when she saw it..yes..it's been semi-torturous so..valium please!

Anyhow so I'm in a sort of limbo waiting to see and the kind of fucked up part of it is that I had changed my entire calendar tomorrow in preparation for the insemination..rearranged a fairly large meeting and here I am waiting..In truth, I really don't give a shit..I hate meetings...I'm sure the guy who had to rearrange all this feels differently. Speaking of meetings, this morning I went to one as a matter of fact..one of those here's breakfast long meetings. I bumped into a police officer..cute!..who struck up a conversation..when I introduced myself he said he knew me already and recalled 'the incident" that had occurred at work with me. He asked me if things had gotten any better and commented that someone should have taken a bat to my coworker..so of course I fell in love and also fell apart..had to walk away and haven't been right all day..it's just too much still..too painful the whole incident. Waiting for the day when it's little more than a memory.. Made me feel good that the cop felt this way though..like there are still men out there willing to put up their dukes for you..you know? I know this is so anti-women's independance and blah blah blah but sometimes..you need a Knight..even if it's just long enough to take a swing or say he'd take a swing..a girl needs a knight. Anyhow, trying to just keep my eye on the prize here, what's really important..my baby.

2 a.m. and all's well

Feeling restless and not ready to go to sleep. I have had this crush on this guy for a really long time and haven't done shit about it mostly because of issues with this body. I have gained 60lbs in the last few years thanks to cancer and giving up the smokes (yeah, you give up smokes when the big C scares the crap out of you). So I went from feeling insecure about my overweight body to feeling complete disgust for my now ridiculous size body. I am currently failing miserably at weight watchers and am also trying OA. One of the chicks at OA just gave me this diet to follow which asks that you abstain from all sugar (including all artificial sweeteners..Yikes!), wheat, caffeine, dried fruits, and deli meats. I want to do it though I'm scared I won't be able to stick to it. This is how it goes.... Breakfast: plain oatmeal (or some other grain), one fruit serving, and one protien. Lunch: one grain, one  oil, one protien, two vegetable. Dinner: same as lunch. Nothing in between meals and that's it. Grains are oatmeal, brown rice, bulgar, and that sort of thing..no pasta which is fine. I tried plain oatmeal today to see if I could even give this a shot and it was palatable though I had to put a pinch of ground cinnamon..shit was somewhat nasty...but I've had worse. Gonna aim for Sunday as I have to buy protien. I'm not a vegetarian but eat very little meat...it grosses me out a little, plus cooking really isn't my strongest suit and really...why the frig should I cook for one person?? You end up throwing half the crap out. I usually do sandwich or some such thing. Anyhow, I digress, so thoughts of my crush popped into my head (were pushed into my head but that's TMI for this site) and made me a little sad. This baby thing signals the end of something for me and though I've made my peace with it, it's still once in a while pops into my head..... that I won't have the all american family that everyone expects to have. Why at the age of 40 am I still thinking about the all American family dream? If you have to ask you've never been 40 and single....that's the way the shit is...you don't have it, you may have wanted it, and though you realize you aint getting it...you still think hmmmm..would have been nice and that dream is over. Yes, I can still find someone but the dream of school, job, marriage, house, and family (and in that order) has to go away and I have to wake up to reality. Oh well...I can roll with it...but it is painful. I see the girls at work though that didn't have children and I don't want that for me... I can deal with no husband or man in my life but no children? That would be a devestating blow for me...something I don't even want to imagine. I have prepared myself though with the idea that if that were to happen, I would throw all my energy into rebuilding a new career for myself..either med school or vet school..one of the two. I'm older but I can still find the energy to give it a go...I can't not have children and stay at the dump where I work...I can have a child and stay but I can't have nothing in all areas of my life...We'll see I suppose.