today

My father came home yesterday from the nursing home. I have such mixed feelings about our relationship after all of this; shit that haunts me at night. It's so weird really. I had been going every day to visit him as I'd mentioned in an earlier post and today was the first day that I didn't. I feel okay about it. I've cried over his situation these past few weeks and that has been confusing; the feeling of sadness and I've tried to work this out in my head but really, it's just a little clear. I am not going to even begin to try and explain it as it would take too much effort to even try to sort it out in my mind let alone put it on paper. I'm okay with it...as confusing and uncomfortable with it as it feels I accept.

I spoke to the therapist chick last night. A little about the father thing, a little about the sibling thing, a little about the weight thing and a little about the baby thing. She said something to me that's hung with me all day today...she was talking about having seen a doctor who put her on a special diet and though she didn't need to lose weight she ended up losing weight...then she said "I lost a little but of course you have a lot to lose". She went on to try and give me tips on what to eat...she suggested...drum roll please....carrot sticks. Now, you see? This is what I love about therapist (not)...they try to be everything...and what I need is a therapist. I politely said to her as she went on about the carrot sticks, celery, and other such shit, that perhaps if I was going to get suggestions on food I should speak to a nutritionist...she agreed...holy shit is all I can say...man...amateurs! I continue to see her as she's making me think but she said something else that was telling...I mentioned OA and she said, "what's that", I said, Overeaters Anonymous, and she said, never heard of it....holy shit (did I say that already...yes, yes I believe I did) fuck. I'm going to take another angle next time...I'm going to talk about the feelings related to my eating rather than my eating...you know, the disease rather than the symptom..see if we get somewhere. ..*sigh*..

Speaking of...I haven't gone to see the Canadians since I began seeing this chick as Tuesday is this ladies only available day and the same day as OA and in truth it's probably better that I change meetings. I was doing nothing with these ladies but going through the motions and I want to try again to a better attended meeting, get a sponsor and really give it a shot...the problem is finding the time...but we'll have to try to work something out. I'm going back to WW on Sunday with D but it's not enough. I need something to kick my ass down the road to losing weight and deep inside I feel like it's a losing battle and really no pun intended...I mean how else do you express this. I just feel defeated.

My cousin called me today about being her daughter's confirmation sponsor this coming November which means I have to fly over to where they live (Island and no not in the states)...don't want to but can't say no and I already bought a dress as I knew the shit was coming. Oh well...there goes another thousand or so bucks and more stress.. I wonder sometimes if stress ever stops long enough for you to really catch your breath or if it's like one of those torture shits where they dunk your head over and over in the bucket and you just get quick gasps in between each dunk...at least that's how it feels sometimes...quick gasps and a bit more torture.

Anyhow that's what's up with today. All this shit flying through my brain and flying through my life and me just trying to take real quick steps to keep up with it all and not get tripped up by all the shit that brings me down...all the babies around me the pregnant bellies, the time flying by making me older bringing me further and further away from the babies I want...

Renting space for free

A few days ago I had written a post about my siblings and never finished it. In retrospect I'm glad as it was really a blame fest. The truth is we're not getting along and I have to take some responsibility for that. I'm confrontational and though I can rationalize why, the healthy me wouldn't need to and would let things go. I wouldn't find a need to question my siblings even when they're doing something stupid as in reality how much does it really matter to me personally? Not much...but it bothers me...but then again, I have to get over it. It's all shit with my father and in truth I haven't been tight with him in years and though I feel my siblings are making major financial errors with his money, they are closer to him and they aren't terminal decisions. So I'm writing this post to try and let it go. We have a meeting Sunday and I don't want to go in defensive.

Today, after an email from my sibling regarding hiring a "live-in" who will only do nights and be paid (yes, that would be a place to live rent free and all you have to do is the night shift and get paid on top of free rent), I called my sibling. Aside from telling them how foolish this was I also confronted them on there and my other siblings behavior towards me this past weekend (a put-down fest). Well, though I don't know if that was the right venue to address it in, it was the truth and I regret it only a little. My regret is letting them rent space in my head for free.

So that's it, my goal, to just let it all go...not confront, not try to take any control, not be defensive, not give such a big shit about what they do, say, think, et cetera.

Not as crazy as I thought

So as I explained, I got into a fight with the sib and walked out feeling crazy as hell. Couldn't sleep that night and all the next day at work was obsessing a bit over the things they said and I thought to myself, "If I were crazy would I really know it"? I know crazy...worked with the mentally ill a huge part of my adult life and alot of them don't know they're off, so why not me? So I go see the shrink lady last night...who better to ask if you were off your rocker...and she tells me, "Gem, the reason you feel crazy after talking to  your sib is because they are bipolar...they're in a state of mania...you don't see that?"...and I explain that my sib presents very well, it doesn't seem like they're manic..they seem so in control and she went on to explain this is the reason for the no shows and then the overcompensating, the taking charge and then the inability to do anything, and finally, finally, she said what I knew all along......Her need to imply to people that there is money is a form of Grandiosity....I knew it!!!!! I kept telling Kay that my sib was posturing for lack of a more precise way to name what they were doing...She said I'm not crazy and basically said the reason I snap people's heads off or part of the reason besides that I'm a pain in the fucking ass, is that I'm frustrated by the mental illness, dementia, and retardation around me...voila my friends, chick says I'm not crazy...I'm not sure if she's right but I'll take it.

Anyhow, aside from that we talked about the baby thing. She thought it was good that I wasn't doing anything until December as it gave me time to deal with this. She brought up the topic of adoption and listen, I'm all for it, but please let me have one of my own first...

So my hands are killing me but I'd like to write more ...unfortunately..hands win.

Fighting with the Sib...shit

I went to visit my father tonight at the nursing home. My younger sib with whom I've never gotten along was there. They start off by saying they had a meeting with the accountant today and want to hire him to take over all of the managing of the properties paying him $100 per rental unit. This is a topic we discussed before. I tell them I'm not comfortable with this and would rather a family friend who'd offered to do this do it for us. I don't know how it happened really but we start to argue. They say they are the one who always has to do everything and nobody is involved. I say I've offered and nobody takes me up on it...only want me to do what they want. They bring up all kinds of shit, say I've never offered..I go back and throw up the fact that they never asked me about the trying to get preg..they say they were the last to know about it and that fact is offensive.. I'm livid and I end the conversation. I just emailed them and told them I regret the conversation and would like to be informed of any future negotiations. I'm pissed.

I'm pissed and I'm done. Have had enough of their shit. They say they walk on eggshells around me and I tell them the feeling is mutual as they are always in some sort of state of breakdown.

They shoot down everything I say and I tell them..conversation is pointless if you just shoot everything down and don't acknowledge...they deny of course. I wait a bit and finally bid farewell to my thankfully sleeping and snoring father...hightail it to pick up Tess from my mothers take her for a walk...write the infamous email and here I am telling the tail to try to get the rest of it off my chest.

I wanted to just get down and dirty and call her a fucking bitch but thought better of it thank God. Anyhow, had to get it out. Will smoke a cig and have some wine and call it a day. Whatever man. Shit.

Life on life's terms

My father is in the nursing home now and it's not good. He is just about completely blind though my sibling said that peripherally he has some sight. One of his eyes now roves around aimlessly. He can't see shit. He can't walk. It's not good. I know I said that before but it's what comes out of my mouth when people ask me how he's doing; it's not good. We hired someone to sit with him at the nursing home during the day for 8 hours each day..only to ensure he's being cared for properly. It'll be 12 hours on Sundays Tuesdays and Thursdays as our schedules are tight on those days and we can't fill in the rest of the hours when the chick we hired leaves. He'll have to have around the clock care to go home and we hired someone to do that as well. He'll have to move to a bigger place to have a second bedroom for her as she'll be a live-in. It's heartbreaking really and the stress is beyond. It's to the point that I go between anger, crying, silence, complete fear, and back around again. I feel bad. I called the other day when I was at work to check on him and he said, "Gem, get me out of here. I don't want to be here, I want to be home". I know that feeling. I was in isolation on the oncology ward for a week, and it was supposed to be for 2 but half way in I called my friend Z and had her pick me up against medical advice...they even threatened to call the police as I was radioactive but I was adamant...a hospital will do that to you..drive you crazy. What's saving his ass is all the company he's getting..tons of people coming by. Monday of last week there were over 30 people in the one day...I may have mentioned that before but hell if I can remember shit from day to day..I'm just wiped. I've been running home from work to pick up Tess, drop her off at my mom's and going to the nursing home until the night, then running back to get Tess, going home, and starting it all again the next day. It's this crazy fear and panic in my stomach...I almost left tonight at about 9:30 pm to go see him in a panic. Just irrationally worried...about what I'm not sure...just that he'll be upset really...that he'll find himself helpless with nobody around and the orderlies won't hear him because he can't yell out.

My father and I have had a shit relationship..I believe I mentioned that for over 10 years we didn't speak and I have no guilt over that, really...that's not what drives me at all. I think in truth I'd do it for any friend in the same situation. I know hospitals and I know panic and it's not pretty and so I'm freaked. If it were me I'd not want to be living this way if there wasn't hope to improve. My father is an odd duck though. He is unnaturally calm in all situations. He's not freaked about being blind it seems, it's just more sick of being there and not home. When I explained he has to be able to walk on his own he seemed to accept this. I envy this calm, this roll with the punches mentality. I've never seen the dude panic, never heard him raise his voice, or act anything but in control...so not like me..

In the middle of all this I'm playing with the thought of Colorado; the #1 rated place for fertility that seems to promise miracles. I'm in limbo right now only because I know I couldnt' do any treatment with my nerves the way they are. I'm an emotional mess and experiencing anxiety like crazy. Just waiting til things settle if they do at all. Time will tell.

At this point I'm just trying to accept it all. Just when you think you're in a funk something comes to rock your world and fuck you up beyond what you thought you could endure and suddenly...you're coping, you're moving forward, going through the motions if that's all you can do...just going on. This is life.

Someone wrote this on their facebook page tonight and I found it so apropos; Life's about hanging on when you're heart's had enough..and giving more when you wanna give up. Too true.

My father, my family, and everything else

This past Tuesday my father had a stroke. D found him on the floor of his apartment and thankfully called a neighbor for help. We are all very proud of D who was able to act and save my father's life. He's still in the hospital and not doing too hot. He's stable but it's questionable as to whether or not he'll ever be able to care for himself or live alone. He is going to be going to a nursing home and then rehab though when this is happening, we're not sure. There is a disconnect between my siblings and I. I guess everyone handles things differently and my youngest sib who suffers from terrible anxiety is just really  quiet, D broke down yesterday as it'd been the first time they visited my dad (they have a fear of hospitals and the sick). As for me I'm riding an emotional and physical roller coaster between extreme sadness/depression, exhaustion, a feeling of being discluded by my siblings, and just wanting to get off this crazy ride already. Just tired and I was tired to begin with.

Tomorrow we go for an interview at the nursing home which seems so surreal to me. Everyone jokes about when their parents have to go or if they'll have to go to a nursing home but when it really happens it feels  unbelievable/surreal. The day after that we go to speak to the attorney. His affairs are not in order in case the shit hits the fan and it's a lot to take care of.

My friend from grade school called me today. We all grew up in the same area and have always stayed in touch. She used to be my best friend but was too crazy for my ass so we grew apart in our 20's. She called as my other grade school friend had called her concerned for my father. Not sure if I mentioned that my father has a catrillion friends and everybody knows him...makes me look like I don't know anybody really. Even at my job people ask me about him all the time. Anyhow, we're getting calls left and right as is my mother and it's just one big ol' mess. Anyhow, my friend called me to ask about my father and said she and her mother were planning to go visit him in the hospital. She also told me she's pregnant...of course she is.

Friday night while at the hospital my aunt mentioned her daughter, who is my age (my cousin..duh), had also been trying IVF unsuccessfully though she'd only tried 2 times...once here and once in the country where she is from. She said she had to stop due to the expense and I told my aunt to tell her to call me. Whether she will or not is uncertain as none of the cousins are close having grown up in different countries among other obstacles to a real friendship...just complicated. Anyhow it made me sad that she couldn't and that I couldn't and I thought perhaps we could share some type of whatever. I don't know. In my fantasy..we split a cycle of donor eggs and end up with sibling cousins.

I have this feeling in the pit of my lower stomach. It's a heaviness, an ache. It feels like what you feel when you get a pit in your stomach but lower...just a weight sitting there and a weight in my brain, just dragging me. When I was pulling into my complex last night I though of Dr. B and the fact that she's pregnant and I wondered if she'd given birth yet or where she was in this whole thing and I felt an overwhelming feeling of being jipped.  I know her pregnancy had nothing to do with nothing it's just the feeling of jealousy and anger....feelings so foreign to me except in this department. I don't know. Overall, I know I won't go back there. I had intended to give them all the meds in my fridge as there's tons of them which I'm sure someone can use but I know I'm done with them and I never want to go to that clinic again. Listen, they were absolute dolls, all of them couldn't have been nicer but it's just a bad place for me. I walked in there happy with hope and walked out with bubkis and it's no body's fault but it's a place I never want to see again.

Anyhow, just wanted to get this out there... Life is an ass kicker and I don't know why it continues to surprise me but it does.