Food and Friends

My friend Jo-ann from work asked me to take her kid home after work as she had something going on in court (personal). I agreed. Her kid is an absolute doll...one of the sweetest children I've met in a long time.. I get to my apartment and soon after Jo-ann is done and she comes to pick the kid up...her voice is weird and she explains she has a cold but can't take anything just in case. Just in case what? She says, "you know". Shit. I think she is already but if she is she won't admit to it. Jeez.

Later I find myself unable to stop eating. Is it related? Maybe. Maybe a little. But the truth is I haven't been watching my food intake or rather I've been out of control with my food intake. I can't seem to stop myself and I'm not sure what to do. Each day I resolve not to stuff my face. Even as I'm stuffing my face I'm trying not to stuff my face...I stuff my face. It's not good. I feel terrible carrying around all this extra weight. I don't feel good about myself as a person but more importantly as a woman. It just seems hopeless. My therapist is not knowledgeable about any type of eating disorders..which I'm sorry is a little weird. She asked me what OA was...come on man, really and when I bring up the food she tells me to try low carb diet such and such..man it's not the diet..they all work if you can stick to it. It's the stick to it part..that's my problem here.

Anyhow, enough of my lip.

Smoking....

I started smoking regularly when I was about 14 years old and I loved it..absolutely loved it, though towards the end, it scared the shit out of me. I officially quit smoking, oh I'd say about 3 or 4 years ago though in the past I'd occasionally have a drag when the shit hit the fan and I thought I couldn't deal with stuff. When you smoke, or when you're a smoker I should say, it gives you something definitive to do when you're stressed, upset, or otherwise unsure what to do with a particular emotion. For me it was always an alternative to eating and I admit it helped me lost weight when I tried to diet. Tonight, at a time where I would have liked to smoke I found myself eating mac and chees...I hate fucking mac and cheese and only had it in the house as Lexie loves it and she was watching Tess for me while I was away. I ate some, Tess ate some, and finally I tossed the shit realizing I was emotionally eating shit I didn't even like. Awesome. I haven't been to WW in about a month and I don't even want to go. It feels like it's not even helping to go and I feel like what would really help me is OA though why I haven't dragged my ass to a meeting is beyond. Well, the truth is, it's not exactly like my life has been anything but smooth but then again, whose life is?

I'm scared of my doctor's appointment with the new fertilility clinic. I think my weight is going to be an issue. And no matter how many times I say I'm going to lose some weight I continue to binge eat and try to assuage my feelings of whatever with food. It's my addiction and since I quit smoking it seems like I can't get a grasp on it at all. I'm constantly looking for that feeling of relief, the exhale out, the release of the tension, and no matter what I do it doesn't come. Part of me feels like maybe I'm self sabotaging, scared to live the life I've dreamt of dreaming. Who knows?

Smoking isn't going to help me with this one and I know they say when you quit one addiction you pick up another but in my case it's really that I picked up the pace on another one of my vices. What to do? I'm certainly not going to smoke again..that's out. I gotta find my way out of this one and I'm not sure how really. My therapist seems to have little to no experience with addiction of any kind so it's really not a resource. Gonna try to hit an OA meeting at least by next week. Will let you know if I make it.

today

My father came home yesterday from the nursing home. I have such mixed feelings about our relationship after all of this; shit that haunts me at night. It's so weird really. I had been going every day to visit him as I'd mentioned in an earlier post and today was the first day that I didn't. I feel okay about it. I've cried over his situation these past few weeks and that has been confusing; the feeling of sadness and I've tried to work this out in my head but really, it's just a little clear. I am not going to even begin to try and explain it as it would take too much effort to even try to sort it out in my mind let alone put it on paper. I'm okay with it...as confusing and uncomfortable with it as it feels I accept.

I spoke to the therapist chick last night. A little about the father thing, a little about the sibling thing, a little about the weight thing and a little about the baby thing. She said something to me that's hung with me all day today...she was talking about having seen a doctor who put her on a special diet and though she didn't need to lose weight she ended up losing weight...then she said "I lost a little but of course you have a lot to lose". She went on to try and give me tips on what to eat...she suggested...drum roll please....carrot sticks. Now, you see? This is what I love about therapist (not)...they try to be everything...and what I need is a therapist. I politely said to her as she went on about the carrot sticks, celery, and other such shit, that perhaps if I was going to get suggestions on food I should speak to a nutritionist...she agreed...holy shit is all I can say...man...amateurs! I continue to see her as she's making me think but she said something else that was telling...I mentioned OA and she said, "what's that", I said, Overeaters Anonymous, and she said, never heard of it....holy shit (did I say that already...yes, yes I believe I did) fuck. I'm going to take another angle next time...I'm going to talk about the feelings related to my eating rather than my eating...you know, the disease rather than the symptom..see if we get somewhere. ..*sigh*..

Speaking of...I haven't gone to see the Canadians since I began seeing this chick as Tuesday is this ladies only available day and the same day as OA and in truth it's probably better that I change meetings. I was doing nothing with these ladies but going through the motions and I want to try again to a better attended meeting, get a sponsor and really give it a shot...the problem is finding the time...but we'll have to try to work something out. I'm going back to WW on Sunday with D but it's not enough. I need something to kick my ass down the road to losing weight and deep inside I feel like it's a losing battle and really no pun intended...I mean how else do you express this. I just feel defeated.

My cousin called me today about being her daughter's confirmation sponsor this coming November which means I have to fly over to where they live (Island and no not in the states)...don't want to but can't say no and I already bought a dress as I knew the shit was coming. Oh well...there goes another thousand or so bucks and more stress.. I wonder sometimes if stress ever stops long enough for you to really catch your breath or if it's like one of those torture shits where they dunk your head over and over in the bucket and you just get quick gasps in between each dunk...at least that's how it feels sometimes...quick gasps and a bit more torture.

Anyhow that's what's up with today. All this shit flying through my brain and flying through my life and me just trying to take real quick steps to keep up with it all and not get tripped up by all the shit that brings me down...all the babies around me the pregnant bellies, the time flying by making me older bringing me further and further away from the babies I want...

Nowhere to run

You ever have that feeling you wanted to just run out of your skin? Like it was just to tight and uncomfortable and you didn't know what to do with yourself? I had a cigarette...well, half a cig...and am on my second glass of wine...had 4, count them, 4, oreos....a Weight watchers ice cream bar and a lean cuisine...still in my skin, can't run from myself it seems. Even this, this outlet seems like it's not helping.

I went to an OA thing this morning and struggled to haul my ass out of bed at 8 a.m. on a Sunday. Usually, it wouldn't be such a biggie for me but I was tired from yesterday and just tired..I've been exhausted to the point of immobility. So I went and it ran from 9:30 until 1 but I stayed until 12...only because I became very uncomfortable. There was a speaker there who went contrary to what I know of OA saying that you really don't need a sponsor (not that I have one) and that you really don't need a food plan. That as long as you have a solid relationship with good normal eating will come and blah blah blah blah blah....listen, if I wanted religion I would have gone to church. I wasn't the only one having a hard time following this type of shit and get this...chick was heavy... Listen, at this point in my life, where I am today, I don't want to hear crazy talk. You're crazy, think you have magic powers...tell it to your shrink...I need to hang out with a crazy person like I need to gain 10 pounds...I'm already feeling nuts thank you...just leave me the fuck alone.  A guy there said what I felt and said... I don't come here for spirituality, I come here to lose weight and get healthy. What surprised me is the lady in front of me and the chick next to me both thought the chick had discovered the wheel...that is until everyone got a little crazy on the chick. Needless to say I hightailed it out of there but in retro I wish I had stayed. Why? Because the whole thing left a bad taste about OA in my mouth..no pun...and I wish I'd stayed long enough to have a different perspective. Oh well...that's my MO it seems...when the going gets uncomfortable, the uncomfortable get going.

Anyhow, that was it for the weekend. I am exhausted, still feel like shit, and on top of that misplaced my phone. I don't care though. Right now I feel like I don't care about anything. I just want to hide and sleep and cry and if it wasn't for Tess, and for D and for that little voice in my head propelling me forward, warning me that I can't let myself fall too deep into this funk, I'd give in to my urge and just sleep. Sleep, smoke, drink, and eat...that's what I'd like to do. But alas, tomorrow is a work day. Kay won't be in but that's okay as she's in a funk for no reason that I could see, and no reason she can see according to her but it's hard to be in a funk with someone else who is but can't locate why when I know exactly why I am and yet they keep comparing their situation to yours...

Enough. Letting the wine do too much talking. That's it for now. Looking forward to Wednesday (shrink) and really, I think I'm giving it too much weight really as she has no magic wand but I do hope she can help me. Just help me get my wits about me, get my bearings, and get my momentum to propel forward and stop crying.

TGIF

I didn't hear from the girl who offered the eggs after I turned her down in an email...why email? Because we met on the Cryo site and have never spoken in person. I don't want to hurt her as I value the friendship that we've formed but I'm a painfully realistic type of person...if you can't get pg with your eggs I really can't put my money on them either. Kills me as the chick is super nice and any other time the answere would have been a quick and loud yes.

Today was an extremely difficult day at work. I had given most of my staff the day off in one of the areas I work in though thankfully had all my staff in another area (these two areas have nothing to do with each other btw so it's not like they can interchange tasks). Anyhow, I ended up doing work I haven't done in a long time and really, I don't have the patience for it any more. Aside from the patience issue, I get interrupted about a trillion times, my phone wasn't working, and the area that was staffed was having major issues. Kicked my ass today but it felt good to have my juices flowing...felt like I was still alive, that the brain was still working. I was frustrated and glad it was over but also glad to know that I still have it, that I can still do the dirty work.. My job is in human services though not what you'd typically consider human services...you have to be on your toes and guess people's moves, what they're thinking, or be able to get information from them..exhausting. Exhausting, interesting, sad,...it's a lot of things and Mattie, who really had never worked in this type of environment acts as if she finds it as juicy as a soap opera. I guess I'm somewhat jaded as I've worked with the low of the low for too long..to me it's like watching a soap episode except it's the same shit and predictable every day...sometimes the scenes are coming fast and furiously throughout the day and other times you're getting trickles of the show but it's the same fricking show, with the same cast of clowns, pulling the same bullshit move, hurting each other like crazy, using their kids to hurt each other like crazy, being shitty parents...just fucking up each other's lives in general. I'll be honest and say there is a part of my job that I'm not well versed in...that really I have only a little clue about...fucked up huh? I was kind of thrown into it and so I just kind of wing it and do the best I can...so crazy really. If I was more familiar with it, more confident in what I'm doing, I'd probably enjoy it more but it's one of those jobs with too many nuances to do by just observing and I can't really jump in and do it in a way that I'd really be able to learn it...so I'm stuck in this sort of limbo..it is what it is. I'm thankful for the job and though it's not what I wanted to be "when I grew up" it's good enough. A therapist once said to me that loving what you do for a living is a luxury and I believe that's partly true...definitely true in this economy I suppose. Anyhow....

I ate like a pig today and am not looking forward to WW on Sunday as I know it's gone up. I start off the week with the best of intentions and then I fuck it all up..sucks. I'm eating less than I was before but nowhere near my points target that WW wants. Haven't called Rachel either. I don't know what holds me back...my insecurity mostly and a feeling that I won't be successful.  I want what that chick Rachel has..the clean time with the weight loss but I can't find the courage... What a wuss I am, huh?

Tomorrow is another day...tomorrow I'm back on the wagon..again.

Crazy: Part......Uhh..Crazy.period.

Feeling discombobulated today..just out of sorts really like I'm crawling out of my skin. Feels similar to when I was first sick with the big C when you feel your body is going to turn itself inside out...I called it "the irritables" at the time and every once in a while, if my meds aren't right...I get them. Today I have them and really, it's my own fault...I lost a bottle of pills and had been taking the wrong dose for 2 weeks and finally started back on the right dose this past week. Not good. But that's not what's making me feel crazy..

A few weeks back....maybe about a month ago or there abouts...I mailed back the questionnaire regarding the embryo selection...that in itself, wrapping my head around that, was hard....compounding that, I haven't heard anything. I go to the mailbox every day waiting for something and of course I get bupkis..nothing..nada.. I got a bill from them today which I was expecting as I have about $15K of checks sitting here on my dresser. I'm thinking tomorrow or Wednesday I'll take a ride out there during my lunch and drive them over...I'll just ask for a half hour extra as the place is a bit far, and I have to endorse them so don't feel comfortable just mailing them. Anyhow...it's driving me crazy, and I know this is irrational but you feel what you feel, ..I feel abandoned. I feel like they (the clinice) really don't care and in truth I know they care as much as you can when you have a million clients. I've been there before, having worked in human services most of my life...you care when they're in front of you and that's human and most of the time you forget who they are..that's normal when you have large volumes of clients..that's life..but it still stings more than a little and it's harder because I'm alone I think...maybe it's just as hard if you're in a relationship but it feels harder because I'm doing this alone with no family support and just support (great support btw) from my friends. So it's making me a little crazy, even making me doubt my doctor, my clinic, it's not good. I feel crazy. On top of that I was exhausted coming home from work and tried napping but Tess won't let me sleep deep, keeps pawing at me, so I was in twilight sleep, woke up in a fog with the irritables. Drank a glass and a bit of wine which helped a little but still feel just this inner feeling of crazy.

Work hasn't helped much as though I'd never admit this...I'm having lulls...lulls where there's either little to do or I don't want to do what there is, and then at other times, we're moving at the speed of light..it's like a bipolar work environment. Kay has also been driving me crazy though I love her to pieces..I just am impatient lately and today she was just too loud and I'm crabby and that does not mix. Tomorrow I have to go out on an assignment with her and I'm not thrilled by it. I just want to sit home really but when I'm here Tess is driving me crazy. It's not that she wants more than the average but she is a bit spoiled or maybe not, and wants attention and even after I give her some she wants more and when she doesn't..I'm feeling guilty that she laying there bored. I take Tess everywhere with me except for work, OA, and doctor's appointments...I even take her to weight watchers sometimes because I feel guilty leaving her at home. She actually threw a fit yesterday when I went into a store and left her in the car...mind you I left the car and a/c running while I ran in but she threw a hissy fit stomping her feet...not attractive...snorted and everything..love her though..but I digress..she's getting on my nerves. I don't know what I want really. Just want to feel at peace.

I don't call the clinic, though I know I should already, because I don't want to hear what's next in my life and that, my friends, is the truth. I don't want to get someone else's eggs, sync myself up with this person, inject myself again to no end, and finally I don't want another negative friggin pregnancy stick. What I do want is to turn my brain off for a few days, maybe even weeks or month, and just tap out of this; tap out of the feeling of craziness, the feeling that I'll never be a woman, never be a mother, never be satisfied with my life, my body, my career, my anything without a child. If you'd of told me this in my 20's, when I swore I'd never want any, I would have said you were crazy..but alas, who's crazy now? Me...feeling unravelled for too long...my life in a seemingly never ending limbo.

I'm thinking, sometime this week, I'll take a day off or half a day or something. Just stay home and chill out. Maybe tomorrow I'll leave early. Thursday I have to take D to the doctors so I'll be going taking a few hours off from work in the morning as I take D after work and don't want Tess home alone for that long. Guilt guilt guilt...I hear people leaving their dogs with no problem, and I never thought I'd be so whatever you want to call this but then again, I have never had a dog as a single person living alone and I just don't think it's fair so...guilt wins.

Anyhow, enough of my insane babbling...I'll contact the clinic in some fashion this week. Not looking forward to it..really dreading it actually. Oh well.

Adoption

Just wanted to write a little blurb on adoption. I have a sort of connection to adopt from Haiti though I hadn't seen the chick in a while. Today she came into my office and we had an opportunity to talk. The process is difficult and it would entail a trip to Haiti...something I really don't want to do. I love Haitian people, I actually speak some Creole which always shocks people as it's not a typical language to learn but it's always intrigued me... I know that it's very dangerous there, very poor, and very dangerous, and though I won't explain how I know so much about it, suffice is to say that I do, even though I've never been there nor am I Haitian. I always wanted to visit until I learned so much about it. It is now a place that even thinking about it scares the shit out of me. We'll see what happens. I gave her some of my personal information and she gave me hers and we'll see where this leads. The one positive is that I meet all of Haiti's requirements for adoption; they ask that you be over 35, you can be single (woohoo!!), and it seems that although not absolutely necessary, they prefer that you don't have other children. This is not an absolute for me, and I'm unsure of the cost but at least I have a start to some info. I haven't given up on the egg donor thing and as a matter of fact, go next Monday to have my second HSG..fun fun. Just wanted to update.

On the food front:

I have been hesitant to write about dieting, food, compulsive overeating, et cetera, on here because it is such a sensitive subject for me and I find that too often, people have simple answers for a complicated problem. By the same token, I have to deal with my food issues so here it is. Kay has a bowl of candy in her office and she won't get rid of it. It tortures me and I can hardly resist it. It's like leaving a glass of vodka available at any time when you have a drinker in the office but alas, I know this is not Kay's problem, it's mine. I find myself eating to assuage my stress and anxiety. I have been obsessing over Asshole and I thought I had washed the thoughts of him out of my head but apparently I haven't. I gotta get over it. I have to move on with my life and I know I will. I'm not sure which came first the chicken or the egg; if it's that thinking of him is giving me the anxiety or it's the anxiety making me think of him....crazy. And though I find that I am having trouble controlling my food, I did begin to journal my food again and I also weighed myself (not as bad as I had thought). I am loosely following the WW program though I'm not going to meetings..will start these, God willing, on Sunday. Will continue with OA but if nobody shows up tomorrow...that's it...I'm done. I'm not doing this shit again where I go and nobody else is there..that's bullshit.

Anyhow, that's it. I'm tired and frustrated tonight and want to drink and smoke and can't write. That's where I am in this life. Just taking one step at a time trying not to walk off that proverbial bridge and just realize that this too shall pass, and that there is always a better day on the horizon. I have to believe this even when I don't believe it. Gotta keep on keeping on (though I hate that saying it fits).

Trying

I spent most of the day indoors today doing nothing really but watching crime tv....watched until I couldn't take it anymore and then showered went to my mother's, argued a bit with her over shit she wants me to do that I don't want to, read the paper, and went out with the siblings to Walmart and then for a late dinner at a "Chili's" type place. I'm trying, trying to regroup, to feel better, to just feel normal but I can't seem to make my way out of the house without bumping into a pregnant person or a child or to just hear the screaming/crying of a child and I myself find myself wanting to scream and cry and throw my own sort of tantrum at the insanity and hopelessness I feel in my heart and in my whole body really. I don't want to see kid's toys, kid's clothes, ads for baby shit, anything related to what I dream about and of course, it's impossible. It's literally life and I can't seem to find a comfortable place in it. Staying indoors isn't helping my mental state...it makes me feel more alone and more isolated than I've been feeling lately if that's possible. Just feeling like I don't belong and feeling so resentful. I really am and though I'm trying not to, trying not to be mad at God and the universe, the Fates or what have you, I am mad, I'm bitter, and I hate the feeling, and I can't help but wonder if there really is something controlling destiny...maybe this is all just me begging nobody for anything. I don't usually share those feeling because I know they're terrible but sometimes they creep into my thoughts...that it's just luck of the draw what happens and what doesn't. I don't know. I don't like to think about that.
In the meantime, I'm trying to focus once again on my weight and on just being healthier; making healthier choices...something that I at least have some semblance of control over. I lost control of the eating sometimes...part of the whole problem in a nutshell I suppose. I continue going to OA though I was pissed last week when nobody else showed though I did most of the meeting on the phone until the only caller hung up...I just picked up my shit and hightailed. it. I'm trying. Next week I'm starting WW again for the billionth time.
That's it. My life in a nutshell for today. Just trying to live it and not fall apart, not self destruct which is easier said than done. A part of me wants to eat what I want, drink like a fish and smoke like a chimney..I won't. At least not today.

Quiet

There's been a quiet in my life this past week; in my life and inside of me. It's  a little unsettling as I'm used to the run run running of my life at 100 miles an hour, never stopping, just moving forward but it's been quiet. I've made no new acupuncture appointment this week and have been laying low after work each day except for the meeting with the Canadians on Tuesday. I've been verbally quiet as well and I guess it's just a time for contemplation and to try and regroup. Dr. B called me on Monday apologizing for not having called me on Friday and told me the films after the HSG exam were clear and that the corners of my uterus seem clear unlike last time which is a good thing, however, she didn't get a clear shot of the body of my uterus and therefore I have to do the HSG test again..fine...I have to wait for my period next month as it has to be done day 7-10 of my cycle...fine. She wants me to use a different place that does the test exactly like she wants..I ask her to please let me do it at the same place as the doctor was nice and I felt more comfortable. She says she'll call the doctor and see if she'll do the test the way she needs and she'll call me back tomorrow but alas she hasn't called and there is a slight feeling of anxiety waiting combined with a feeling of not wanting to know anymore.  A fear of knowing I suppose and of enjoying the brief respite in my life from all that baby making chaos.
There is a new girl at work that took Lexi's place..a nice girl it seems..young. And there is something I am seeing there..some sort of pain I suppose and I feel bad that she is lost in the crazy that is my workplace. I haven't reached out to her the way I normally would with someone new and scared as I work in a place similar to what I imagine purgatory would be..a step up from hell really where people are mean and cunning but it gets you what you need..paid. They're doing layoffs soon, I believe I mentioned..though I heard it doesn't touch us. We'll see... nerve wracking. Anyhow, I want to reach out to this girl but I feel empty right now. In the rooms of OA they talk about how you gain strength from helping others and perhaps this is what I need in my life. I will try and seek her out but honestly, I feel emotionally weak, just emotionally immobile right now. I will try though as everybody needs somebody and being alone is just crippling. I have Kay at work and if that wasn't the case I don't know what I would do. I'll reach out.
Other than that, I'm just waiting. I went on some sites that offer donor eggs and actually looked at some of the donors which was interesting. The one place near me offers egg programs starting at $25K not including meds or any of the IVF procedure...shit. Hoping this works out financially as I've sort of worked it out in my head. Time will tell.

Back in the swing

I was supposed to have gotten my HSG exam yesterday, that's the test where they shoot the dye through your fallopian tubes...anyhow, I had called them on Friday to make the appointment and specifically requested a female which they assured me would be the case but I've dealt with these clowns before so yesterday, before I requested the time from the boss, I called them. Yeah, they said not only did I cancel my appointment but it's scheduled with a male...they put me on hold to double check as they are utterly confused and the manager comes on..."Is there a problem with your appointment"..Ummm, yeah they told me I cancelled and that I was scheduled with a male. "No, it's not cancelled but you're scheduled with a male"...I go over the whole thing how I'd requested a female she tries to put it on me saying perhaps I didn't explain good enough...a female...the thing with a vagina between her legs..that's a female..it's who I want performing the test...No, we have doctor so and so...yeah I say, I've met that dick wad...he's an ass...and this sounds like an inside problem to me not something I need to hear about so do you have an appointment with a female for me or not? No. Thank you and good bye...fucker...but I didn't say fucker..I cried instead because it's just too frustrating this process and I've really had enough...I call the other radiology place near me explain I need a female she puts me on hold forever and says she has an availability for me. I say "with a female"? She says no, no female. I say, (and I did say this) "are you guys all fucking retarded or are you just trained to act fucking stupid"...I hang up and make a note to never go there...I finally find a place about an hour from me and the next state over who has a female..I take the appointment for 12 though I know I have an appointment for "D" this morning at 10 and hope that I can hustle and make it on time.
I had asked my sibling to go with me to "D"'s appointment and one of them agreed to go. Of course when I say, you want to pick me up at work as it's right near there they say, No, I'll find it...so this morning I'm hustling trying to do my hair as I wasn't going to work I get a call from the sib...where is this place...I explain and think shit they'll be there too early as they'd already gotten to the town next door an hour ahead. I get to "D"'s program and lo and behold, no sib...we wait another 15 minutes and finally they arrive...awesome. We get through it, I go to the place for radiology, who by the way are super nice and make me start to think that it's just us New Yorkers who suck ass, and get home, crash on the couch. When I started writing this post, I was finalizing my decision not to go to OA and last minute I threw on the sneakers and went. I didn't want to go because I didn't want to answer all the questions from the Canadians...it's just that I'm exhausted by the experience already and it's draining. But I went and of course Sara, who is very pushy had very strong opinions about everything and really, who needs someone else's opinions. Sara had a very bad experience raising her only son and has tremendous guilt as she feels she did a shitty job and to be truthful, from what she says, she did do a shitty job. Apparently she was a wild woman when she was younger with too many boyfriends and she allowed one of them to beat the shit out of her son...left him black and blue and she let it happen and didn't step in so now her son has resentments. I adore Sara and she is very sweet and supportive and to be frank I can't picture living how she's described as she is a Hasidic Jew now though one of the other Canadians explained that this wasn't always the case. Anyhow, I spent too long talking with her outside and it was fine but really I need to make my decisions on my own. She thinks I'm making a mistake wanting a child though one of the other girls Shannon, agrees with me as she also has personal regrets never having had a child of her own. These girls are in their 60's by the way and all of them practice some form of the Jewish religion though Sara is by far the most religious and strictest. Nice girls. Anyhow, I went, I saw, and I didn't conquer but I'm glad I went though I didn't take back my responsibility of carrying the shit back and forth. I don't know where I'll be emotionally from week to week and didn't want to commit so...Okay, enough of me babbling.

8DP3D ET

So today was officially my 8th day post 3 day embryo transfer. I tested this morning and I tested again tonight..both negatives. I was going to post a pic of the pee stick but I figured if you're reading this you're all too familiar with what a negative pee stick looks like...it looks sad..it looks like it could cry all by itself sitting there on your bathroom vanity with just that one lonely line waiting for a mate that'll never show up. Ahhh, well, c'est la vie I suppose. I'll test again in the a.m. and then I'm off to the doctor and I am seriously considering just calling out. I'm tired. I cried all morning, cried all evening and spent the hours in between stressed by the drama of the bitches at work that can't seem to get along. I missed OA tonight..completely forgot about it except that "D", that sweet thing knows Tuesdays are meetings nights and called me to tell me it was time for me to go..cute that "D" always remembers...love "D" to pieces, like a child I've never had. Anyhow, one of the Canadians called me right before the meeting to say they were running late and I told them I wasn't going..they asked me about being pregnant and I told them...supportive as usual. I could cry from how sweet people have been..Lexi at work and the Canadians..sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet..people that show you kindness. Anyhow, I'm sitting here crying and feeling guilty and Tess has been bored out of her skin. I've tried to play with her as much as possible but when you're down and out it ain't easy. Anyhow, tomorrow is another day and I gotta wake up at the crack of ass to go to the doctors.

Canada

I went to see the Canadians today. Only Robby was there which was fine and we also had a couple of people on the phone bridge. When the meeting ended Robby asked me about the baby making thing, the food thing, and in general how am I holding up. I told her the whole baby making fiasco story and also how my eating is out of control and I can't seem to get a grip...the worst it's been in a long time. She made me promise to go to another meeting this week and I'm going to try and really do it not just say it or make an excuse. We had a nice long talk and basically she told me I needed more meetings and to just get 3 days in and I would start from there. On the baby making topic, she told me to not give up, to try and lose some weight to make it easier to carry and shared how she never tried and now at 60-something has major regrets...even tried to adopt when she was in her 50's but realized she was just too old...said it was the biggest regret of her life. I left there feeling hopeful..more hopeful than I had in a long time. I set up a meeting with a new therapist yesterday for next week..don't believe I mentioned it. We'll see how it goes. I'm going to really try with this chick unless she's a complete psycho freak...have to get my mental affairs in order.

It was a difficult day...the boss was emailing me like she'd just discovered the shit, clients were lining up like we were giving away toasters and we just didn't have the man power, my mother's shrink called to advocate for my mother (and that's a story for another day...didn't go too well for the shrink and we'll leave it at that), and I ended the work day at my endocrinologist office which was fine but for whatever reason I always leave there feeling like fuck so tried to rush home...took me almost an hour and wanted to cry with the frustration of the day and cancel on the Canadians but God is good and I'm thankful I didn't as it turned into a nice night.

Keeping on..

I believe I mentioned I had gotten my period after work Monday. I was glad to get it as the Dr. mentioned I was to have gotten it over the weekend and when it hadn't come I was worried that perhaps it never would again. Monday and yesterday it was pretty light but today it came in normally except with excruciating cramps. So bad in fact, that I took 3 advil this morning, had to leave work early as I was in real pain, came home and slept for a bit over an hour and had to take 3 more advils..pain. I found myself tearful again today, not so much while I'm at work but when I'm alone. I came home and got to watch some of those shows on TLC where they show people having babies or bringing them home or what have you..I cried..cried when I was happy for them and cried when I was sad for me.

I went to see the Canadians last night and my two regular friends did not come. Some other Canadians whom I'd never met before came and was a total bitch. I shared with the people on the phone and broke down crying in front of the bitch..I didn't care. I find myself caring less about mundane things which is good though I'm still obsessive about work. I have to be careful at work as that one chick Horseface is very angry at me..she is a very dangerous person and therefore my hackles are up and on guard..we'll see what happens..and there's a part of me that doesn't care about that either. The part that cares is the one where hope lives and I'm still hoping for that baby so I need my job more than ever.

Well, that's it in a nutshell and just wanted to touch base briefly before I hit the hay. Life continues but there's a little piece of me that doesn't want to. I know that the beat goes on and I've got to roll with the punches, and all those other motivating cliches but I'm getting tired..I've been tired and I'm getting more tired..two more tries and then I'm pretty much I don't know where.

Crazy food addiction

So I decided to start trying to follow the 90 day OA plan (no flour, no sugar, no artificial sweetener, no whatever the frick) today. I started my day off with a bowl of plain oatmeal flavored with a little cinnamon, a cup of coffee which is not allowed, and minus the fruit as my stomach can't deal with fruit and I had to go to Weight watchers this a.m. So breakfast was fine...ate it and felt fine. I go to WW, lost 3.8 lbs (no celebration as this is the 4 I gained last week with my friggin period), ran to my friend's house who had pregnancy books for me, and ran home starving. I wanted to stop and buy some fish as I thought it'd be nice to have fish, brown rice and some spinach or other veg but of course was too hungry to start shopping so I came home, put a few baby potatoes to nuke, scrambled an egg along with a container of egg white, and sauteed some broccolli with onions and peppers. (I mixed the eggs with the broccolli and put some reduced fat cheese on top). Ate all of that and felt that crazy feeling you get when you need a little sugar or a cracker or piece of bread so had a piece of fruit..still no good. So I'm sitting here with my bottle of seltzer saying "listen you crazy animal..settle down now, settle down".

 If you haven't spent your entire life dieting, researching dieting, learning about compulsive overeating, and why people who are fat stay fat, you're probably thinking, wtf is wrong with this chick? But whether we choose to acknowledge it or not, thinking that the person just has to diet and excercise, is somewhat primitive and ignorant; if you have half a brain cell, you'd have to acknowledge that there is more to the problem than that but my point is not to lecture..my point is: I have a serious problem with food. Now you're probably thinking I'm one of those people that have to be forklifted out of my house...that's not the case at all as I excercise daily and have a regular life, and though I'm overweight it's not stand out overweight...
nonetheless, my addiction to food is very real, very heart breaking, very painful.

How I first made the final decision to start trying to get pregnant was related to my weight. Last month I'm at the doctor's office..my regular G.P. and she is flipping through my chart commenting that I've gained a tremendous amount of weight in the last few years.."How come?" she says. "Cancer and quitting smoking", I say. She nods. I explain how I can't seem to get it off and she says "have you considered...", "Lap band", I say. "Yes" she says. I explain that I am now at a crossroads in my life where though I have considered lap band I would like to have a child though I'm uncertain if perhaps I'm too overweight? "Oh no", she says.."go have your baby. Lap band can wait a few years". and right there I could have cried with joy...I cry as I write this. So here I am ..day one of the OA 90 day, struggling but still trying as I know the lighter I am the better off I am.

I've been going to OA for about maybe 5 months however I only go to one meeting. It's a meeting made up of mostly Orthodox jewish women which is fine with me as I am able to keep my identity on the DL (I know a lot of people and they know me right back and they're the good, the bad, and the ugly). So this meeting with these women, who are too kind to the Puerto Rican girl who shows up each week, give me strength, hope, and the will to keep trying to lose with the help of God and the sisterhood who transcends all Religions, and all cultures.

I mentioned in another post that I had experienced something traumatic. I'm not going to go into detail but suffice is to say it happened at work, it was an incident of bullying and emotional abuse by a male colleague, and depending who you speak to, you may or may not feel I deserved it. Doesn't really matter as I've made my peace with that issue as well. As I had previously described, it left me feeling like a dog that'd been run over on the street and I honestly didn't think I would ever recover. I found a new therapist who has been supportive (of course she is retiring in a month), who suggested OA and though I was resistant, I trust this lady. I met her after my regular therapist who I'd been seeing for years emotionally abandoned me, and I had tried some other chick who insisted on speaking with a baby voice unless I reminded her that I needed her to talk to me regular (you think I'm effing kidding? I'm not.). Picture being at one of your darkest moments and everywhere you turn you encounter what appears to be crazy. You know those horror movies where there's a person who is scared and running and they keep bumping into some distorted clown figure or the like? That's how I felt...everywhere I looked..instability and dysfunction. So when I found this lady, I wanted to go home with her, cling to her, have her protect me from the demons in my head, and at my job, and from my family (yes them too). I felt like an infant who had been battered and left outside to die and I didn't think my psyche would actually make it but we humans are resilient. My therapist says to me all the time that I'm brave...if she had met the me who I used to be she would have thought I was a warrior!..but that person..she was clobbered too many times...by too many things...molestation, parents who couldn't protect her, by a sick sibling, by cancer, by an abusive coworker, an asshole boss, and by life...so now, there's just me..I'm no longer a warrior but I can fake it a little and I have my moments. You fuck with me...you're going down, maybe not physically but verbally...I don't take shit anymore and I don't get upset at people like I used to. It's sort of a zen feeling where I can tell you off, get super heated and it's gone..poof..it doesn't stay inside. How? you ask..no. It's not How..it's why? Because I don't give a shit about those people any more. Those people who try to squash you down with their words and make you feel less than. I know who "my people" are now, after so many heartbreaking losses, and I was surprised to find that "my people" are many. I have a lot of people on my team and I love them..it's clear now whereas before I loved them but I loved too many who just wanted to be seen with me.. a person who had something. If I sound like an ego maniac, please excuse me, as though I'm not super special and won't mention what I do, I have a semi-important job where you might want to know me. Anyhow, that's that. I went from a person who was somewhat stable to a person who gets frequent anxiety attacks and for a while flackbacks. A shrink I saw said I was suffering from PTSD...I think he's right but enough about that. I go to OA to be with the women..I call them the Canadians..don't ask. So I go see the Canadians every Tuesday and it helps. It helps me stay connected to my higher power, God, who I had all but abandoned until I was on my knees beggin for mercy from the pain..just begging from the pain, and I'm up, I'm walking, it's still painful but I'm functioning, trying to have my baby.

So some may be thinking, Chick is crazy, that may be, but my thinking is, where the eff else can you go to rant and ramble.