Nothing more than feelings...

I'm struggling again and I can't really blame it on PMS as my period was over 5 days ago. It's this sadness man that has settled and been sitting on my chest. The kind that makes it difficult to breathe, difficult to swallow really; it's just a lump there and it takes everything I have to make it through every minute of my day. I want to hide from life; hide from all the babies, the pregnant ladies, the everything and anything related to kids, to motherhood to fatherhood to any type of hood that I don't belong to. Just that quiet desperation again killing me.

 I go for my HSG test (again) for the 3rd time this Monday and I want to hurry up and just get it over with, get to the last chapter of the book I guess you could say; just want to know how this all ends. I'm scared too though, as there is a very big part of me that doesn't want to know...just doesn't want to know. It's going to kill me I feel. I tell Kay this, and I tell Diana this, and I tell Z and Mattie this but they don't seem to understand what I mean. I think this ending might kill me if not literally than emotionally. It's just too sad for me, too sad, too sad, too painful. And really how much can one person endure in one life?

Someone havnig a bad day wrote on facebook today (a site that is no longer the place I once loved to visit), how God never gives you more than you can endure and I think,.. I don't know about that. I once read, and I think it's a valid point, that if that were true there would be nobody in psych wards as aren't too many people in wards those that couldn't handle what they were given? I try not to think of the never having a baby thing as it's too scary and for me, it's one of those, "I don't think I can handle situations". I can go on but it would be a bitter person moving forward...I feel I'm turning into that already, into a bitter person, something I've always dreaded becoming and in fact, Diana and I, when we worked together used to talk about people who went around life with a frown; we called them "People who sucked on lemons"..we still call them this..childish but whateva. Shit, who knew. I am trying to keep the faith...trying trying trying to just trust in God, that he's got my back but there's a very big part of me that has some doubts...fucked up but there it is. I keep praying, keep hoping there is someone hearing me, hearing my desperate prayers.

My life is half over already, more than half probably, considering my history (ex-smoker, obese, with a history of cancer), and I wonder, could I get through the rest with just me? Could I get through the rest just for me, just for little ol' me? There is a woman at work, Jecca, that I've mentioned before. She's 56 or there abouts and getting ready to retire this year. She's been married twice...the first time for a short period and the second to someone about 20 some odd years older who died several years back...no children...she has one sister, also no children and that's it. She's spent some Thanksgivings at a shelter feeding the homeless for lack of somewhere to go on Thanksgiving...fucked up huh? Last year her sister arranged for her a place to go. She spends her nights drinking wine in her huge house and smoking cigarettes. I was tight with her at one time, even invited her to spend Thanksgiving with my family when she had nowhere but she's dicked me a few times and I no longer trust her...that's the one difference between her and I, I have tight friends and I don't dick them, thank God...but I digress... My point is, I don't want that life...that life with no real family of my own...nobody to really love....nobody to cook for, to take care of, to come home to even if it's only on holidays, nobody to make your house a home for. If you came to my home, you would see that it looks like a home. I always imagined that I would be bringing babies here, feeding children here and Diane especially always comments about how cute I've made the place and how warm and inviting it is. It's a very modest home but I've done what I can to make it comfy ( it was a dump when I bought it which is how I was able to afford it at the time). Anyhow, that's what I want. I want children to cook for, to love, to help with their homework, to tuck in, to wash their little clothes and take care of them...that's what I want. I want to be old and have them visit once in a while and have them ask me to bake cookies for them, or whatever becomes their favorite thing that I cook for them. The bottom line is, I want to be a mom. What do you do when that's what you want for your life and it doesn't happen? How do you keep putting one foot in front of the other? I don't know.

Crabby, frustrated, and plain ol' feeling like shi#

I'm on progesterone which I'm not sure if I mentioned here earlier. I started Saturday and of course it has all kinds of side effects that are basically like exaggerated feelings of your period. I'm crabby as all heck and sensitive and then I fluctuate between the two emotions and just feel plain ol' crazy. I went to see the new therapist last week and again today. Perhaps I'm not in a good place to judge or what have you but this one is a dud as well...when you're cutting me off at every sentence to complete it with whatever is going on in your mind...ummm, yeah,..no!At this point I feel like giving up but I really hate the idea of not having a backup therapist in case I start to lose it. Co dependant? Perhaps but realize I don't exactly get prime adult interaction on a regular basis.. I minimally interact with my siblingss during the week except for "D" and that's not normal adult conversation. My friends all seem to be going through a crisis at the same time so it's not like they need to hear my pidley shit so a therapist is ideal for me and I've had one for most of my adult life. I also have to add that depression runs in my family big time so I also use it as a preventive so that I never sink into a funk too deep to climb out of.

Last night I hung with the Canadians..well, one Canadian and really you can consider her a civilian. She asked me, "Are you sure you want to do this, have a baby?" I told her I was pretty sure. She said that when she was my age (40) she didn't want to have a baby and now she regrets it every day of her life (she's in her early 60's). I told her that I've heard this from a lot of people. Jecca at work who I'm currently not really speaking to, is one of my big motivators for trying..I look at her and can't help but see a sad life. I realize I'm not her and our thinking is different but the end result is..living life for just yourself is not my idea of living life. For some people it may be enought to amass wealth, or have a big house..to me that's all just bull shit. Yes, I need some things but I'm definitely not a keeping up with the anybody kind of person. That's just not what my life is about. So I have to try. I'm currently in my two week wait and will test on Sunday. I don't think I am for whatever reason..I just get the feeling this is going to be as hard as possible for me. Time will tell.

AF you bitch!

So I'm on day 10 post IUI and I'm thinking..I'm going to test tomorrow as the anticipation is killing me and I can't keep thinking I am pregnant and making this imaginary baby real. She saved me wasting a test stick as the bitch came early. I should have known as I felt mild cramping on two occasions today but I was holding onto hope for dear life and lo and behold I come home from my mom's about 15 minutes ago, go to the bathroom and voila, by the power of television, there on my pantyliner is a red mother friggin trace of that bitch. I realize I'm lucky I still get my period as there are some people with fertility issues that don't but I was so hoping not to have to do this again...yes, me and about a million other people in my same boat. I have to tell you something that really shocked me..upon seeing the blood there on the tissue, though I wasn't truly surprised, what did surprise me was how painful it was to see it. It instantly brought tears to my eyes and I'll admit as I write this that it's still painful. I have got to continue though and just move on with it. I can't imagine it not happening. If it doesn't it's on to plan B... a change of careers and a simpler life..if it's just going to be me it's not worth all of this aggravation. Sometimes I think to myself that I am sabotaging my chances with this weight or maybe it is that I'm just not supposed to get pregnant..but I know how my life has been...it's mostly been a series of things coming extremely easy or extremely hard; no in between, so I just thought it would either be crystal clear that I can't or a quick and easy fertilization. I have 2 more vials put away and someone offered to sell me 3 other vials though how I would get them to my RE safely is something to consider.

I saw my new therapist this past Wednesday and I hate to admit it but I think this is a bust. She sucks. We spend practically the whole session going over her accomplishments with some minor comments about my life. I left there pissed. I think people in practice forget that therapy is not just a conversation. Anyway, I'm not even going to get into it..suffice is to say I have to look for someone else..she is not the one. Even writing about it pisses me off.

So that's my week in a nutshell besides the bullshit that happened at work. It's been a doozy of a week which started off with me escorting Jecca out of my office...yes, that kind of week...just not my week I guess. A beginning with an ending to match though we still have Saturday..God help me.

Frienemies and the Canadians

I'm ending my day with an uneasy feeling in the middle of my chest. There were several minor interactions with others that left me feeling angry, shitty, paranoid, unsure. I also recognize that I'm ovulating today or thereabouts so it could just be that I'm being sensitive.

Tonight was my night with the Canadians and it wasn't the usual crew. The girl who was there setting up is someone who hadn't been there in a while and I get the impression she is looking down her nose at me..not friendly at all. I was getting myself upset in the beginning of the meeting whereas usually as soon as I get to this meeting I feel somewhat peaceful and calm. Anyhow as the meeting progressed, she loosened up. My friend Rivfka was there which was good..she's the one who gave me the food plan, and she's cool people even though she doesn't think so. She puts herself down all the time meanwhile, she's adorable. She must be all of 5' tall and maybe 115-120lbs. with beautiful blue eyes and she keeps herself real nice for an older lady. She has a dark brown wig that doesn't suit her but otherwise she looks like a doll. Anyhow, she kind of softened the other chick up on me, explaining I've been helping the meeting out. I actually committed to taking care of all the paperwork which is a big deal for me as I don't like to be tied down to any type of thing. Thing is I need this meeting. You know when you quit smokes or booze, you never have to go back to it..food you do, so though it's a similar feeling of withdrawal, I am doubly tempted to cheat and just eat what I want. Rifka told me I can call her daily and 'commit to abstinence'. So weird to hear her say that as it feels like such an ominous word to me...'commit to abstinence'..shit.

On the work front,a colleague of mine,Jecca, who was once a close friend, has befriended my boss. They're so close in fact they now go out after work and the like. I recognize one of their commonalities to be that they are both in their own way social climbers though one for work reasons, and another for the prestige of being seen with these bigwigs. Anyhow, though my colleague and I still talk I'm ashamed to say that I don't trust her..I still talk to her but I don't trust her. Our relationship changed when she posted something on facebook that was an untruth and could have negatively impacted my career. She explained to another co-worker that she'd been drunk and didn't know what she had written, and also tried to explain this to me, but I told her to let's just move on, and forget about it. The thing is, I haven't exactly forgotten about it. I didn't want an explanation because I didn't want to hear her lie to me and tell me she was drunk because I had spoken to her a few minutes prior and she appeared to be quite sober. Anyhow, so today she came to my office and began to describe what a great time she had while hanging out with the boss...Really? I need to hear this shit? I managed to push her out and tell her I couldn't talk at that moment, that I had shit I needed to get done. Also bothering me with this chick is that because I've been using larger than usual amounts of sick time ( I never usually use any) she asked me point blank if I was trying to have a kid. See that's the shit crap and they know how you roll. So, caught off guard, I told her I was thinking about it but a few days later when she bought up the topic again, explained I didn't think I could try as my levels are off, (I have issues with vitamin absorption and with my thyroid hormone levels). I don't think she fully believed me. Tonight she sent me a text with pics of twins and stated, this is going to be you. I texted her back that maybe in a year or two. Two things bother me about this situation; one: the fact that I am lying, and two: the fact that I tend to pride myself on not being two-faced...and hello I'm faking a friendship. I'm stuck though as it would be career suicide to end the "friendship" as she knows too much about me. I'm doing that paranoid thing where you examine every detail of what this person may know about you. It's can't be much I'm thinking because I'm pretty much a "what you see is what you get" kind of person and also tend to do shit by the books but nevertheless, I'm still scared. There's another part of me that feels bad for this chick. She has no real friends, no children (she's in her 50's) and is widowed from her husband (he was 24 years older). She complains all the time about her situation, about feeling lonely and that she is alone but she hasn't nurtured any friendships. And let me tell you, she really is aware of being alone. She is representative to me of all the things I never want to be. Nonetheless and the bottom line is that this situation is uncomfortable and really leaves me feeling not good. Not sure what to do with this stuff.