Babies, Babies, everywhere, and not a drop to drink

I just got finished doing a home pregnancy test and of course..negative. It didn't hurt as much as last month but it hurts still. I finally talked to my mother again about the topic (lightly) and she responded with her usual "why don't you forget about that already?"..crazy woman. I think, if a crazy woman like her..someone with only the tiniest microscopic maternal instinct in her (and I'm giving this to her as really I don't think it's there but.., can have 4 children then why can't I, who wants one so bad and babies little Tess as if she were a human that sprouted from my loins? I don't get it. Maybe I'm not supposed to have one and my life is just supposed to be about coping with a disfunctional family and a fucked up job with fucked up coworkers and emotional tortures about food..... Really? That's it? I refuse to believe that, and if that's the case I need to change some of the above as that's just not enough. I remember a therapist suggesting that perhaps a hobby...okay a fucking hobby! Why is it that people with children look at us with no children and think that throwing us some crumb will do? A hobby, a dog (though I love Tess to pieces), babysitting for theirs (that's a good one), all those little nothings (except for the dog because I'm sorry dogs are close in my humble)..but what do I know!? Anyhow, I'm just venting. I just feel like I've been prodded and poked enough in my life...this too has to be a scientific exploration..really? And in the end what will I have? I can't help but think that it won't happen and in the end, I'll have nothing. Perhaps I'm a pessimist...though I don't normall think so..not really , more like a realist. Just feeling emotionally exhausted from this. I was talking to some chick who is using the same sperm donor as I am, a reall nice lady but it's her partner getting inseminated, and she told me they're on like try number 9...try number fucking 9...and she sounded okay with it. I guess maybe if you're with a partner it may be a little easier to get through it or if maybe your family was supportive or a combination of the two..again, what do I know? I don't. Maybe it's just as hard. Four follicles and a combined total of 20 million sperm and nothing. Am I crying, yes I am. Crying and blaming myself, my age, my weight, et cetera and yes yes, it'd probably be easier if I was thin though I know people in my boat..normal weight so who knows.

Anyhow, dropped the shrink this week which feels right and flying solo right now which also feels right. Going to IVF class Tuesday morning to sit with all the beautiful couples and not so beautiful couples and stew in my own shit.

Onwards and upwards or however that saying goes. Maybe if this doesn't happen, I just need something else in my life. I'm not sure what that could possibly be. I have 2 more years until I'm vested in the government insurance and then I can jet and still get it at retirement I believe. So changing careers is always an option though it requires more school...something that the thought of doesn't sound delicious. I also have my MSW degree I can fall back on though that doesn't call me the way it once did. I suppose we'll have to wait and see where the road leads.

catching up...

Haven't written in quite a while as I could not remember my password and for whatever reason (mostly because I'm a spazz) I couldn't figure out the "forgot your password" thing...Story of my life. Anyhow, so I went this past Tuesday for another IUI and again on Thursday. She said the timing was perfect as were my levels..I had 5 follicles, 4 of which were mature so now I cross my fingers. I was freaked out this morning as I had to start progesterone (due to a short time between iui and period last month) and reading the side effects freaked me out to the point that I tried to call the doctor and considered not taking it but alas, I took it but not happy about it.

I spent the day watching movies on tv and finally cleaned my condo as it was tore up from the floor up. Not messy but dusty and funky and I couldn't take it any more. I've considered hiring a cleaning lady to come in regularly but with the hopes of a baby coming I decided no need to get used to a luxury that would hurt to give up. I used to give this place a thorough cleaning at least once a week but I'm not sure what has happened to me; I just feel so shitty and tired, and like not moving lately so I let it go for 2, count them 2 weeks other than the kitchen which I clean and bleach every night...gross. And I'm sure most people don't think that's super long but this place is a super dust magnet and my bathroom is white except for slate floors so....The kitchen is completely all white too so I have no choice plus I get freaked out at the thought of getting critters so I keep that immaculate. The only room that didn't get a scrub down today was my guest room/computer room and my dining room that I never use only because I'm too tired and don't feel like it..will do tomorrow. I'm hoping to go out with my sister tonight for a burger which I have no business eating but I'm craving meat big time and I hardly ever eat any which pisses my doctor off as my blood work sucks. It'd be different if I was a vegan and compensated for no meat in other ways but my main source of protien is peanut butter, chees and yogurt, and an occasional egg but I'm craving meat so .. I realize I need to up this if a baby is on the way and this week my goal is to make a chicken dish for the week in my crock pot..I bought all of the ingredients except the chicken so we'll see. Oh, I'll share the recipe since it's easy:

In crock pot put:
4 boneless skinless chicken breasts
one large bag of frozen broccolli (more if you want it to have a lot)
add 2 cans of campbells healthy request condensed mushroom soup (I'm also going to add a can of healthy request cheddar cheese soup)
Use the healthy request as the regular soups are really not good for you and the healthy requests are lower in fat and sodium.
Cook this on low for 8 hourse.
Serve over brown rice (you can make your own or buy the frozen kind you steam up or go the chinese restaurant and buy or whatever..) Voila..dinner for several days if your single or for a family of 3-4 if you're not. It's total comfort food as it's a cross between a meal and a soup but not real liquidy.



Have to try and eat healthier even if I'm not actively trying to lose weight. I know the above isn't a super healthy meal but it's not terrible. I want a healthy normal weight baby. I don't want my child to struggle with food issues like me.

I went to see a new therapist on Thursday..she seemed alright...nothing special but I'll give her a try. I go again Wednesday so will see how it goes..she seems a little blah, a little disconnected but then again, she's just getting to know me. She was stuck on my degree being the same as hers..she talked about it 3 separate times during the session..funny what makes people tick..

Anyhow, that's the 411 on my life so far. Praying that this is the time for my baby..saying prayers.

Cry Baby

Woke up feeling super sensitive today; on the verge of tears really and had to run to the RE before work so was up by 5:30 and out the door at about 6:30. Once again it was couples day at the RE and again it hurt to watch. Had to exert supreme effort not to cry and the stab in the heart came when a couple showed up with the chicks mom...a thing I couldn't imagine in my wildest dreams my mother doing other than when she had to when I was a child too young to go alone. I love my mother but there are so many times I wish she was just a little more motherly and a little less her needing to be mothered. She grew up an orphan and that in a nutshell explains it all. We get who we get and I appreciate many of the things she taught me, the things she felt it was important to learn; manners, how to dress, to guard your credit like it's your life, and keep a clean house. My RE appeared genuinely disappointed that it didn't take and told me not to worry, that it was really the first real chance I had and she wanted to increase my dose of follistim to increase my chances. She's adorable..just the sweetest thing and I thank God that that's who I ended up with, a real gift to me who is so embarrassed and humiliated to show my body but this chick..she makes it seem like who cares..love her. So she checks me out, says she sees what looks like another 5 follicles; 4 small and one large..is somewhat concerned but explains that it's either residual from last time and not yet discarded by my body, or my hormones are off and we have to skip a month. Either way is fine as truthfully, I'm exhausted emotionally. She calls later to say my hormones are fine and onward with the injections;375 iu of follistim. Ugh. So that in a nut shell was my day. Had one upset with the boss but really just trivial and crazy amounts of people to manage this morning ..typical Monday.

So all-in-all, okay if exhausting, day. Thankful in a million little and big ways. Hoping October is my month. No Gemini baby(ies) for me..whew!

Baby Making

I feel like I haven't written in quite some time though in reality, it's been about a week. I was inseminated on Tuesday,a surprise as the Dr. had initially stated that it would be Wednesday, but my levels were rapidly increasing so Tuesday it was and then again on Wednesday. I am very hopeful this time around as I had 4, count them 4, follicles. Last week the Dr. thought there were only 3 but lo and behold.. She was psyched as well, so I'm crossing my fingers, am excited, and trying not to imagine a million pregnancy symptoms. I feel fine except that I have (embarrassingly enough) terrible gas pain for the past 3 days. If I tell you that I never get gas, I never get gas but I'm trying not to think about it or over diagnose and yes I googled it and got my hopes up as apparently it is an early sign of pregnancy but still it could also be an early sign of eating too much broccolli.. I'm excited and scared all rolled into one.

I started seeing the new therapist this past week...not thrilled by her but she'll do in a pinch but I think eventually I'll have to switch her out. She's one of these old school tell me about your past type therapists and listen, it's all fine and good, and yes, my childhood was probably not the norm, but it's done and I'm okay with it...but she insists we go over it and tries to match up present feelings with shit from the past..fine, fine..but at the first sign of crazy, I'm out! People ask me all the time, Gem, why don't you hang a shingle? I think about it all the time and at one point I would have loved it..but the reality is that when you're a therapist (or that type of thing) you need to recognize when you yourself aren't healthy enough to work and I think too few people aren't healthy enough. Me? I'm not strong enough right now to take on a caseload of 15-20 people's issues..I can only, and that's barely, deal with mine..so no, no shingle..the world has enough crazy people practicing mental health care. So onward I go, in a field that doesn't require you to be anything in particular..just on your toes and ready to cover your ass in a minute.

Anyhow, I just wanted to catch up, and update this little adventure I'm on. My family is still not keen with this whole thing and the only person who talks to me about it with any genuine interest is my younger sibling..fine, fine..not really but it'll have to do for now..

The follicle

I went for the ultrasound yesterday with the male RE and isn't God good, he made the male RE gay...felt much better after realizing this... Anyhow, he checked my fallopian ovaries and I have a maturing follicle that measure 17 cm? mm? whatever, it measured 17 and he said that's exactly what they were hoping for so IUI on Friday. I was surprised there was only 1 though due to the high mgs of Clomid I received and reading the bulletin boards on the cryo bank web site...no matter, the fact is there is an absolute chance for me. I'm trying to not get my hopes up as I know my chances are slim but alas, I can't help but hope that one time will do it. Could I be that lucky/blessed? I could be I think. Time will tell