I just got finished doing a home pregnancy test and of course..negative. It didn't hurt as much as last month but it hurts still. I finally talked to my mother again about the topic (lightly) and she responded with her usual "why don't you forget about that already?"..crazy woman. I think, if a crazy woman like her..someone with only the tiniest microscopic maternal instinct in her (and I'm giving this to her as really I don't think it's there but.., can have 4 children then why can't I, who wants one so bad and babies little Tess as if she were a human that sprouted from my loins? I don't get it. Maybe I'm not supposed to have one and my life is just supposed to be about coping with a disfunctional family and a fucked up job with fucked up coworkers and emotional tortures about food..... Really? That's it? I refuse to believe that, and if that's the case I need to change some of the above as that's just not enough. I remember a therapist suggesting that perhaps a hobby...okay a fucking hobby! Why is it that people with children look at us with no children and think that throwing us some crumb will do? A hobby, a dog (though I love Tess to pieces), babysitting for theirs (that's a good one), all those little nothings (except for the dog because I'm sorry dogs are close in my humble)..but what do I know!? Anyhow, I'm just venting. I just feel like I've been prodded and poked enough in my life...this too has to be a scientific exploration..really? And in the end what will I have? I can't help but think that it won't happen and in the end, I'll have nothing. Perhaps I'm a pessimist...though I don't normall think so..not really , more like a realist. Just feeling emotionally exhausted from this. I was talking to some chick who is using the same sperm donor as I am, a reall nice lady but it's her partner getting inseminated, and she told me they're on like try number 9...try number fucking 9...and she sounded okay with it. I guess maybe if you're with a partner it may be a little easier to get through it or if maybe your family was supportive or a combination of the two..again, what do I know? I don't. Maybe it's just as hard. Four follicles and a combined total of 20 million sperm and nothing. Am I crying, yes I am. Crying and blaming myself, my age, my weight, et cetera and yes yes, it'd probably be easier if I was thin though I know people in my boat..normal weight so who knows.
Anyhow, dropped the shrink this week which feels right and flying solo right now which also feels right. Going to IVF class Tuesday morning to sit with all the beautiful couples and not so beautiful couples and stew in my own shit.
Onwards and upwards or however that saying goes. Maybe if this doesn't happen, I just need something else in my life. I'm not sure what that could possibly be. I have 2 more years until I'm vested in the government insurance and then I can jet and still get it at retirement I believe. So changing careers is always an option though it requires more school...something that the thought of doesn't sound delicious. I also have my MSW degree I can fall back on though that doesn't call me the way it once did. I suppose we'll have to wait and see where the road leads.
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