On Sunday Father's Day I got a call saying that there had been a tragic car accident and my uncle had passed away. We were all beside ourselves with grief. My sister and my mother were planning to fly out on Tuesday for the services and I had D with me from Monday to Tuesday morning staying at my apartment for the week. At about 4:45am Tuesday morning I got a call from one of the aides to say my dad wasn't feeling well. I called the hospice nurse.....got into an argument with her of course..and when she finally agreed to go To his apartment she called me back to say he had very little time left to live. Needless to say I got on the horn with my sister at the airport and told her not to get on the plane and long story short my father died Wednesday morning with all of us around him in the middle so a prayer. I was okay through all of the arrangements....through all the vulturing that inevitably happens but tonight I got a phone call that my fairy godmother has had a very bad stroke and in truth it feels like just a bit too much....just a little bit like they're trying to kill me here. Hurting like hell and breaking my heart.
Sometimes this world is just a teensy bit too cruel...
Showing posts with label father. Show all posts
Showing posts with label father. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
On Hold
Just a quick update as I haven't written since my last meltdown. I've done nothing to work towards pregnancy. Haven't called Ms. Autumn to get the donor egg going. I've had too much with my dad, his business and work and am waiting for a bit of a lull where I can catch my breath just a little. Aside from that I guess I'm just waiting for myself to settle down emotionally.
The thing with my siblings has been eating at me more and more. Their disinterest is beyond...just beyond. I have to accept as there is nothing I can do about it and I don't want to harp on it but what is one to do. It's painful. They blatantly rejoice in other's pregnancies but won't even utter a peep of a question as to anything regarding my trying. Hurts.
It is what it is and like I said before I can't do anything about it.
Anyhow, everything else is the same; everything is chaos. I'm just trying to hang on until this all passes. It's stressful as hell and I see my father swinging back and forth getting a bit better and then worse. I wish we could get rid of some of his business as it's just too much really but it's not my decision to make. Onward.
The thing with my siblings has been eating at me more and more. Their disinterest is beyond...just beyond. I have to accept as there is nothing I can do about it and I don't want to harp on it but what is one to do. It's painful. They blatantly rejoice in other's pregnancies but won't even utter a peep of a question as to anything regarding my trying. Hurts.
It is what it is and like I said before I can't do anything about it.
Anyhow, everything else is the same; everything is chaos. I'm just trying to hang on until this all passes. It's stressful as hell and I see my father swinging back and forth getting a bit better and then worse. I wish we could get rid of some of his business as it's just too much really but it's not my decision to make. Onward.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Impatiently Waiting
I'm just waiting to be able to find out if this worked or not and though I know the odds are not in my favor there is always that annoying bit of hope waving it's hands in the back of your head, psyching you up for a let down. I have to prepare myself for this not working or maybe I don't. I don't know. R, one of the girls I met at the clinic is so positive this is going to work even though she's done several IVF's and IUI's before. I wish I could just abandon myself to hope like that but I'm a chicken shit. I've been waiting for the inplantation bleeding and it never came though I thought I saw an imaginary smudge of something last night. It just feels like my period is coming and rightfully so as it would have been calculated to come tomorrow. I so wish this would work which I know goes without saying. I can see how people do IVF over and over again. It's like sitting at the casino tables, losing but you keep throwing your money down thinking you'll maybe win one. That's really what it feels like except it seems to take forever for that roullette wheel to fucking finally stop and it's never on your number or even on your color..it's just a big fat loss.
I used to read a blog called Just Nesting. For whatever she privatized the thing so you can't read it any more...I had read her for years religiously. I don't know why but I just felt a connection. Actually my ceiling in my dining room is painted a color she suggested to me. Anyhow she was married and couldn't conceive...it wasn't the reason she started the blog as it had started way before that with another blog until she got married and did Just Nesting. Anyhow, I remember her wanting to do IVF and wishing her mom would help her pay for it. I think to myself now, little did she know it's not the magic bullet everyone thinks it is. I often wonder about her and if she ever got her baby. Heart breaking when you don't, really.
On the father front, they changed his meds and he seemed so much more alert yesterday. I think if they finally get his meds straight, his therapy straight, his eyes straight, he'll be able to pull all this shit together...not to the way he was of course but to a point where he might be able to function semi-normally. I was going to say to a point where he doesn't need 24 hour care but I don't know how true that would be.
Anyhow so that's that. I confess that I gave myself a home pregnancy test yesterday even though I know I'm not secreting any HCG or whatever it's called yet....I just had to get it out of my system and I used one from the dollar store...negative of course but it was 4 days after transfer. You hear that...that "but"...it's hope. Hope scares me. But there it is. When I used to work with addicts they used to say, "everything after 'but' is bullshit"...a double entendre there...but/butt. Yeah, classy I know.
P.S.: I'm adding this later as I just found her blog and am now following...psyched!
I used to read a blog called Just Nesting. For whatever she privatized the thing so you can't read it any more...I had read her for years religiously. I don't know why but I just felt a connection. Actually my ceiling in my dining room is painted a color she suggested to me. Anyhow she was married and couldn't conceive...it wasn't the reason she started the blog as it had started way before that with another blog until she got married and did Just Nesting. Anyhow, I remember her wanting to do IVF and wishing her mom would help her pay for it. I think to myself now, little did she know it's not the magic bullet everyone thinks it is. I often wonder about her and if she ever got her baby. Heart breaking when you don't, really.
On the father front, they changed his meds and he seemed so much more alert yesterday. I think if they finally get his meds straight, his therapy straight, his eyes straight, he'll be able to pull all this shit together...not to the way he was of course but to a point where he might be able to function semi-normally. I was going to say to a point where he doesn't need 24 hour care but I don't know how true that would be.
Anyhow so that's that. I confess that I gave myself a home pregnancy test yesterday even though I know I'm not secreting any HCG or whatever it's called yet....I just had to get it out of my system and I used one from the dollar store...negative of course but it was 4 days after transfer. You hear that...that "but"...it's hope. Hope scares me. But there it is. When I used to work with addicts they used to say, "everything after 'but' is bullshit"...a double entendre there...but/butt. Yeah, classy I know.
P.S.: I'm adding this later as I just found her blog and am now following...psyched!
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Under the Strain
No heavy lifting, no pushing, no pulling, nothing where you need to exert yourself. That's what it says. Well how the fuck does one accomplish that really? Can you tell me? I don't know. I get home after what seems like the longest fucking day...I'm exhausted. I get a phone call from one of my dad's tenants that such and such has not been fixed. I think...fuck off lady..I don't really care as it's on order and there's not much I can do about it. Really. That's what I think even if it is fucked up. This is the tenant I had to tell off a month ago for calling me every day on a repair she very well knew was being taken care of. I actually asked her if she thought I had a fucking magic wand that I can make things just appear as the guy had been there to measure the night before for her repair and he had told her he would buy the part and install them that week...wtf really. So I go about my business and get another call from another tenant about another repair. This one a legit emergency that needs immediate attention. My repair guy is of course on vacation though I have a few back up people up my sleeve. I tell the dude I'll have someone there pronto. I call my guy he goes down there, calls me, I need a new water tank....$500 that I don't have. Okay I say. I'll drive down there in a bit and get you the money. He'll install it tomorrow. I go to my mom's and get some money. Go to my dad's where D is also visiting. I walk in to find my father half on and half off the floor...the aide trying to get D to help her. I go over but he has completely no strength...he's fucking falling. I tell him dad make an effort but he doesn't. My phone is ringing which I'm sure is the guy to fix the water tank. I tell D get the phone. D is too slow. D get the phone, get the phone. D answer the fucking phone already. I have my dad's knees braced against mine and he's reclining on the bed ass not supported by anything slipping. My father is screaming at D to help. Poor fucking D has the face of pain on. You can't yell at D...it traumatizes D. It's not good. I strain under the weight of my father and ask the aide why in the frick would you get him up....he wanted to. I tell her if he has no strength you don't get him up. She tells me he screams if you don't and I tell her to let him scream....wtf. All I can think is there goes my babies. I fucking strained like a mother fucker and I'm tired. I'm just tired of it all. I say UNCLE universe...fucking Uncle...I give the fuck up.
D is beside themselves with upset and I give them a hug and say it's not you. I'm sorry that we yelled it's not you but it's too late and D is all fucked up too. We sit for a while in silence, everyone upset for one reason or another and D goes home which normally I would not allow D to go alone but I know D needs to go. I sit and wait for the water tank guy. I start to cry because really how much can one person take? The water tank guy comes and I ask him to help us put my father to bed and he says of course he will. I pay him and say goodbye. My father asks if I don't want to take care of him. The aide explains "she has to work in the morning". My father asks the aide if she'll take care of him. Yes, yes.
It's all fucked up and I go to my mom's to pick up Tess and she starts with her b.s. and I feel guilty because I can't take it even though she's been so helpful and I tell her I gotta go.
I get home.
D is beside themselves with upset and I give them a hug and say it's not you. I'm sorry that we yelled it's not you but it's too late and D is all fucked up too. We sit for a while in silence, everyone upset for one reason or another and D goes home which normally I would not allow D to go alone but I know D needs to go. I sit and wait for the water tank guy. I start to cry because really how much can one person take? The water tank guy comes and I ask him to help us put my father to bed and he says of course he will. I pay him and say goodbye. My father asks if I don't want to take care of him. The aide explains "she has to work in the morning". My father asks the aide if she'll take care of him. Yes, yes.
It's all fucked up and I go to my mom's to pick up Tess and she starts with her b.s. and I feel guilty because I can't take it even though she's been so helpful and I tell her I gotta go.
I get home.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Heavy
Tonight we went out to the movies. Older sibling and I convinced D to go. D never wants to go for fear of people, of noise, of darkness. I don't know. Anyhow, we went to go see that movie Identity Thief...don't waste your money but it was fine time really. We left there and it was still early enough to go see my father. D had not drank any of their $5.50 drink and Older sib insisted they take it with them. We go to my dad's and he is cranky as shit. He screams at us to put him to bed though the aide explained she'd just put him in the chair. We put him to bed after he yells at us a second time. He's uncomfortable and wants to sit up. He wants to lay down. He wants to sit up. He wants to get up though we convince him to just sit. He wants to lay down. Yelling at us each time. He's hot, he's hot...fan him. We stand there with one of those hand held fans waving at him. After an hour of this I tell Older sib let's go. Older sib says he's not calm yet. He's nowhere nears calm. I tell her this is every night...we'll be there til morning as he doesn't get calm..it just continues...we go back and forth...we stay a bit longer and D is falling asleep on the chair not having had their meds yet, their shower yet. I again tell Older sib let's go. My father screams don't you leave me here like this. I ask him what he wants. I need to be more comfortable he says. I go help him straining with his weight that I'm not supposed to be lifting having just had my retrieval 2 days ago. He doesn't help. I say you have to make an effort to move or you're staying there...losing any patience I may have had. I haul him over and up and finally have him straight in the bed. I feel the pressure in my neck, my back, my already aching groins. Take the sheets and blankets off and ask are you more comfortable? Yes he says. Okay we're leaving. He yells not to leave him like this. He's hot and wants more fanning. I tell him Teresa will fan him. He yells no and I say we'll see you tomorrw, D says goodbye, I tell older sib say goodbye. Older sib is in the kitchen rummaging around. What are you looking for? Let's go. I'm looking for D's drink. Are you out of your mind I say...come on...who cares about the drink..let's go. Older sib says they'll walk, pissed off now. Get in the car I say, let's just go. We're in the middle of the hood dude. Older sib is sometimes off their rocker...wanted D to walk to my mom's for a fan. Alone down the street where I was almost mugged last week...can you imagine? Did I mention I was almost mugged? This is my life and my back is killing me and I"m thinking...what the fuck am I planning to bring someone into this hell for? What the fuck?
P. fucking S.: To cap off the night, shortly after completing the top portion of this post, Tess comes into my computer room screaming at the top of her lungs, sounding like she is in agony and I can't calm her down. She's screaming and screaming. I run out of the house calling older sib to call her vet who is open 24/7 in my PJ's and crocs zooming down the road 3 towns over where they give her pills for pain as they can't find anything. Vet is guessing it's her knees coming out of her sockets due to her fucked up patella whatsamawhosit... She also completed emptied her anal glands causing a funky odor..I come home to find I never locked the door, dropped my cell and my IPAD on my dining room floor. And that my friends is a wonderful Saturday night in the life of Gem. But life is still good.
P. fucking S.: To cap off the night, shortly after completing the top portion of this post, Tess comes into my computer room screaming at the top of her lungs, sounding like she is in agony and I can't calm her down. She's screaming and screaming. I run out of the house calling older sib to call her vet who is open 24/7 in my PJ's and crocs zooming down the road 3 towns over where they give her pills for pain as they can't find anything. Vet is guessing it's her knees coming out of her sockets due to her fucked up patella whatsamawhosit... She also completed emptied her anal glands causing a funky odor..I come home to find I never locked the door, dropped my cell and my IPAD on my dining room floor. And that my friends is a wonderful Saturday night in the life of Gem. But life is still good.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
4th Retrieval
I go in for my retrieval tomorrow. It's my 4th and final IVF...the next anything, if there is anything, is donor eggs. My friend Ling is taking me which I really didn't want to have to go with her because she is not the emotionally healthiest person but I was hard up and it's the only one of my friends who doesn't work and that I'm tight enough to ask. You see what a bitch I am...yes, I am. Love Ling..but I have to guard myself around her as she tends to be one of those people that subtly puts you down.. Anyhow, she's taking me and I am grateful. I'm driving in as she doesn't really drive in NYC and she's supposed to drive back with me guiding her but if I'm well enough I'll drive. Kay couldn't do it as the thought of driving to NYC was too much for her..she's petrified which I don't really understand but whatever..I appreciate having people to ask when you can't ask your family.
Speaking of family I went to see my father tonight..he was horrible and was just yelling and couldn't be calmed down. The lady taking care of him tonight called me twice after I got home as he still wouldn't calm down. So stressful. I feel bad for him but he becomes abusive and then you don't want to help him..craziness.
Had more craziness at work when a friend of someone I was best friends with in high school came in and began acting all crazy. I had to end it and ask someone else to take over explaining that this was inappropriate..she was insisting I listen to all of this crap regarding my friend and wanting me to call her...absolute nuttiness. I think sometimes people don't understand the concept of professional boundaries. Aside from this the girl that is leaving my team came in today even though it was her day off. I'm not sure I mentioned that my boss finally explained she was leaving my team and being move to another. She went completely off and I'm glad that my boss got to see that side to her as it's what I've been dealing with for several years. She was almost manic with glee today which was very bizarre...I ignored it and went home early to catch up on some ZZZ's.
So that's the 411 on my life right at this moment. I am shitting 12 bricks that this won't work and I know my odds are not good but one can hope and pray.
Speaking of family I went to see my father tonight..he was horrible and was just yelling and couldn't be calmed down. The lady taking care of him tonight called me twice after I got home as he still wouldn't calm down. So stressful. I feel bad for him but he becomes abusive and then you don't want to help him..craziness.
Had more craziness at work when a friend of someone I was best friends with in high school came in and began acting all crazy. I had to end it and ask someone else to take over explaining that this was inappropriate..she was insisting I listen to all of this crap regarding my friend and wanting me to call her...absolute nuttiness. I think sometimes people don't understand the concept of professional boundaries. Aside from this the girl that is leaving my team came in today even though it was her day off. I'm not sure I mentioned that my boss finally explained she was leaving my team and being move to another. She went completely off and I'm glad that my boss got to see that side to her as it's what I've been dealing with for several years. She was almost manic with glee today which was very bizarre...I ignored it and went home early to catch up on some ZZZ's.
So that's the 411 on my life right at this moment. I am shitting 12 bricks that this won't work and I know my odds are not good but one can hope and pray.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
This is your brain on drugs
I can't explain how crazy my brain feels while on all of these meds. I spoke to Kay tonight who said it was the same thing last time...I honestly don't remember. Feels so shitty. The silver lining to all this is the fact that this is the last time I have to be on all of these meds. Woot woot. Yes, I'm being sarcastic. The truth is I'd do this 50 more times if you told me it'd work. Well, maybe not 50 but a bunch more.
Went to the therapist today and she isn't leaving my insurance plan like the letter I received stated...she said it's some kind of error. Good session but we won't see each other again until March 5th. By then the shit will have hit the fan. I keep talking negatively hoping that I'm wrong...un-jinxing it so to speak. I know that shit doesn't work. That's how crazily desperate I've become. I'm now trying to un-jinx shit that's not jinxed. Lord...this is partly medication and partly my own insanity. Ugh...just want the relief. We talked about the "man" issue or lack thereof. She asked me if I ever thought of looking for one. No, never occurred to me. I explain I feel too shitty. I tell her straight up, I don't even feel like a woman at this weight. And that my friends is the truth. I feel like a wildebeest...or just a beast as I have no idea what a wildebeest is but it sounds so gross and exactly how I feel..gross. I tell her when this is all done I'm doing the lapband and getting myself in shape. I used to run, not sure if I ever mentioned that. On the treadmill mind you but it was running and I did it almost every friggin day. I'd run and do walking tapes and the Tony Little elliptical gadget...I was pretty fit. Now..not so much. I would like someone though..I would.
Tomorrow I go back to the clinic. I have to get up at 5 to make it there by 7 and make it to work on sort of time. It's the only way to miss the rush hour traffic as if the roads were clear I could make it from here to NYC in probably 40 minutes...in traffic it took almost 2 friggin hours. I'm tired. I'm just physically and emotionally tired.
My father called again tonight..."take me home". "You are home dad". "I want to get out of here. Come pick me up. If you love me you'll pick me up. These people here are liars". And on and on this shit goes. It was already 10 o'clock and I didn't want to go out again. I promised I'd go tomorrow and we'll talk about it all. Shit. The lady who works the morning shift had to leave the country unexpectedly as her brother was killed, poor thing...brutally killed at that. The tenant in the apartment above my dad's killed himself this past weekend...can you imagine? He stabbed himself. All this crazy shit going on and I just need the world to pause for a minute so I can take a fucking nap...it's all too much.
Anyhow, that's that. K, one of the girls I met at IVF class is going for her retrieval in the morning. She's the oldest of us all at 43 but I bet it works for her. I think the one's with the least chance are me and R. Me because of my weight and R because her eggs blow. And I'm going to say that thing you're not supposed to say because it's what I feel and as selfish as it sounds..it's how I feel...selfish....Here goes and if you think less of me..I'm sorry..I hope I'm not the only one who ends up childless. I hope it's either we all have a baby or only some of us have a baby but not just me left behind. Fucked up and selfish but there it is...and I know I'd feel that way sans meds on the brain. Frick.
Went to the therapist today and she isn't leaving my insurance plan like the letter I received stated...she said it's some kind of error. Good session but we won't see each other again until March 5th. By then the shit will have hit the fan. I keep talking negatively hoping that I'm wrong...un-jinxing it so to speak. I know that shit doesn't work. That's how crazily desperate I've become. I'm now trying to un-jinx shit that's not jinxed. Lord...this is partly medication and partly my own insanity. Ugh...just want the relief. We talked about the "man" issue or lack thereof. She asked me if I ever thought of looking for one. No, never occurred to me. I explain I feel too shitty. I tell her straight up, I don't even feel like a woman at this weight. And that my friends is the truth. I feel like a wildebeest...or just a beast as I have no idea what a wildebeest is but it sounds so gross and exactly how I feel..gross. I tell her when this is all done I'm doing the lapband and getting myself in shape. I used to run, not sure if I ever mentioned that. On the treadmill mind you but it was running and I did it almost every friggin day. I'd run and do walking tapes and the Tony Little elliptical gadget...I was pretty fit. Now..not so much. I would like someone though..I would.
Tomorrow I go back to the clinic. I have to get up at 5 to make it there by 7 and make it to work on sort of time. It's the only way to miss the rush hour traffic as if the roads were clear I could make it from here to NYC in probably 40 minutes...in traffic it took almost 2 friggin hours. I'm tired. I'm just physically and emotionally tired.
My father called again tonight..."take me home". "You are home dad". "I want to get out of here. Come pick me up. If you love me you'll pick me up. These people here are liars". And on and on this shit goes. It was already 10 o'clock and I didn't want to go out again. I promised I'd go tomorrow and we'll talk about it all. Shit. The lady who works the morning shift had to leave the country unexpectedly as her brother was killed, poor thing...brutally killed at that. The tenant in the apartment above my dad's killed himself this past weekend...can you imagine? He stabbed himself. All this crazy shit going on and I just need the world to pause for a minute so I can take a fucking nap...it's all too much.
Anyhow, that's that. K, one of the girls I met at IVF class is going for her retrieval in the morning. She's the oldest of us all at 43 but I bet it works for her. I think the one's with the least chance are me and R. Me because of my weight and R because her eggs blow. And I'm going to say that thing you're not supposed to say because it's what I feel and as selfish as it sounds..it's how I feel...selfish....Here goes and if you think less of me..I'm sorry..I hope I'm not the only one who ends up childless. I hope it's either we all have a baby or only some of us have a baby but not just me left behind. Fucked up and selfish but there it is...and I know I'd feel that way sans meds on the brain. Frick.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
No 3 day?!!?
I went to see the shrink today at the new RE clinic that I'm using. In case anybody was wondering, I'm using the NYU Langone Center or whatever it's called in NYC...it's supposed to be excellent. Anyhow, they make you see a shrink if you're using anything donor. The doctor was top notch and I say this with some experience as in my previous life, before I did what I do now, mental health was my area of expertise or at least I knew a hell of a lot more than the average joe about it and well..I digress as usual...She was Aces. She actually gave a very good way of explaining to a child how they came about...the long and the short..you explain about how an ovum and a sperm when joined produce an embryo which grows in a womb...she went on to explain how you introduce the topic that sometimes there's a father, sometimes people do it by fucking, basically you explain that although sometimes it a man and a woman it doesn't necessarily have to be. She said if you say the whole thing omitting that concept of normally it's a mommy and a daddy kids tend to just think of this and accept...if you bring up they don't have a daddy this becomes the focus...she of course was much more eloquent and pc but you get the drift. Anyhow it was a great way of explaining it and if I wasn't so exhausted I'd explain it a little better but ..friggin tired. The one thing that shocked me was that she informed me that they don't do 3 day transfers...they used to..but they don't anymore. I thought I'd faint. She explained that they are top notch and are not going to waste the time or money on things that don't happen and if the embryo can't make it to 5 day, what "they" discovered was that they wouldn't have survived any ol' way...that's what "the data" shows..that those embryo that wouldn't make it to 5 never would have become a child any way. WHAT!!!?? My last 3 IVF were 3 day. It made me feel like #1 my last clinic was retarded and #2 I don't have a friggin snow balls chance in hell. I expressed feeling that this was never going to happen. She said, if Dr. Noyes didn't think it would happen she wouldn't have put you through this. She also said with donor eggs, if it comes to that, they only like to put 1 back in, 2 max but really only 1. I said, I'll put in 2. I only have one friggin shot and I don't feel that positive about it at all..I'm getting 2 you freaks. I've gone through 2 1/2 years of poking my ass by myself, commuting to E. Jabib to friggin get this shit and tolerated all the bullshit at work just to have "the Mercedes Benz" of insurance as the last clinic called it and the money to support a child, I'm getting 2. Did I tell you I don't think this shit will work?
In my head, this is what I picture: A big ass cavernous womb and instead of the sticky gooey shit that my last doctor said was perfect for implantation, I have what sneakily looks like the right goop but it's actually a grease pit, developed from all those years of eating crap, that makes the friggin embryo just slide right out from inside and back out into my always pantyliner..yup, that's what I think. So put 2 in mo-fo's so at least when they both slide their asses out they won't be lonely.
I saw my father today. I'm not that thrilled with the night staff lady. She is a doll mind you, and very respectful, sweet and kind however, I always come in when she's in the middle of her own personal shit. She is the only worker who actually lives in with my dad. When I got there I leaned in towards him and asked him if everything was okay...he said he was anxious because of the men out there...she had men moving some of her belongings that she as having send by ship to her native country...I wasn't happy. I talked to him for a bit and left. She called me at about 11:45 to say my father couldn't sleep and kept mentioning D and how he thought D was lost. I spoke to him and explained D was sleeping and fine...he asked why nobody told him D'd been found...frick...totally delusional.. I don't know what to do with that. Aside from that it's getting increasingly hard to care for his business. All the money gets eaten up by the workers we have to pay to care for him 24/7 and it's not covered by his insurance...it's a mess...we're barely making it and I'm having to pitch in with my own money...not good as it's not like I"m not spending it myself. Shit.
So..that's where we're at.
In my head, this is what I picture: A big ass cavernous womb and instead of the sticky gooey shit that my last doctor said was perfect for implantation, I have what sneakily looks like the right goop but it's actually a grease pit, developed from all those years of eating crap, that makes the friggin embryo just slide right out from inside and back out into my always pantyliner..yup, that's what I think. So put 2 in mo-fo's so at least when they both slide their asses out they won't be lonely.
I saw my father today. I'm not that thrilled with the night staff lady. She is a doll mind you, and very respectful, sweet and kind however, I always come in when she's in the middle of her own personal shit. She is the only worker who actually lives in with my dad. When I got there I leaned in towards him and asked him if everything was okay...he said he was anxious because of the men out there...she had men moving some of her belongings that she as having send by ship to her native country...I wasn't happy. I talked to him for a bit and left. She called me at about 11:45 to say my father couldn't sleep and kept mentioning D and how he thought D was lost. I spoke to him and explained D was sleeping and fine...he asked why nobody told him D'd been found...frick...totally delusional.. I don't know what to do with that. Aside from that it's getting increasingly hard to care for his business. All the money gets eaten up by the workers we have to pay to care for him 24/7 and it's not covered by his insurance...it's a mess...we're barely making it and I'm having to pitch in with my own money...not good as it's not like I"m not spending it myself. Shit.
So..that's where we're at.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Catching up
I almost forgot to write as I've been writing so much to the chicks I met at the clinic. Well, still no period. No sign of hide or hair of it. I finally called the chick at the clinic yesterday who said she'd email the doctor and ask her how she wants to proceed. I found the donor I want to use though I haven't purchased any vials and I'm not sure what the frick I'm waiting for as he'll probably be sold out by the time I get to it. I'm finally rolling with all of this making the calls I needed to make. I'm full of anxiety. Full of it. Chock full! Can't seem to get away from it but for small bits of time.
I'm avoiding my family today as they're driving me crazy but I promised D I would go over. Did I mention D had to have oral surgery. Older sibling kept saying don't call the dentist as I'm calling today...this went on forever and I finally called them....they never called me back BTW which makes me angry but doesn't surprise me. Nothing does anymore when using "the system" for the disabled. It's a racket and if you had to use it, and I'm sure I've said this before, you wouldn't believe you live in the U.S. I live in friggin NY people!! It's not even like I live in Osh Kosh USA.. Whateva! Anyhow, my mother took D to her dentist who is ancient and he had D go to a surgeon. D is better but it was beyond..just beyond..an unnecessary stressor.
Shit at work is what it is. I confronted the one friend of the group that went and reported me...what a wuss. She says, Gem, I have to work with these people. I asked how she thought it would affect our friendship...humina humina humina...puhlease... I don't care anymore. I'm not even angry either I'm just disgusted and realize I have to move on knowing I did nothing wrong here. I work in a fucked up environment but the pay is good so I'll shut the fuck up and be grateful...just wait it out and see what the future holds.
My father continues to not be well. Has a terribel wound on his leg...not good. I worry. The sibs have not been visiting during the week as far as I can tell. One of the care ladies said she called younger sibs for adult diapers Thursday morning so when I showed up Thursday night with NADA! she looked at me like where are they...did you get the call? No? Well neither did I. This is how they roll. Infuriating. So late at night there go me and Tess driving back towards my home to get the diapers and drive all the way back. Whatever..really it's frustrating.
Anyhow..that's the long and the short..will let you know what happens Wednesday at the psych eval for people using donor sperm...too funny...you think I need a shrink for donor sperm? I need a shrink for a million other reason!. ..
I'm avoiding my family today as they're driving me crazy but I promised D I would go over. Did I mention D had to have oral surgery. Older sibling kept saying don't call the dentist as I'm calling today...this went on forever and I finally called them....they never called me back BTW which makes me angry but doesn't surprise me. Nothing does anymore when using "the system" for the disabled. It's a racket and if you had to use it, and I'm sure I've said this before, you wouldn't believe you live in the U.S. I live in friggin NY people!! It's not even like I live in Osh Kosh USA.. Whateva! Anyhow, my mother took D to her dentist who is ancient and he had D go to a surgeon. D is better but it was beyond..just beyond..an unnecessary stressor.
Shit at work is what it is. I confronted the one friend of the group that went and reported me...what a wuss. She says, Gem, I have to work with these people. I asked how she thought it would affect our friendship...humina humina humina...puhlease... I don't care anymore. I'm not even angry either I'm just disgusted and realize I have to move on knowing I did nothing wrong here. I work in a fucked up environment but the pay is good so I'll shut the fuck up and be grateful...just wait it out and see what the future holds.
My father continues to not be well. Has a terribel wound on his leg...not good. I worry. The sibs have not been visiting during the week as far as I can tell. One of the care ladies said she called younger sibs for adult diapers Thursday morning so when I showed up Thursday night with NADA! she looked at me like where are they...did you get the call? No? Well neither did I. This is how they roll. Infuriating. So late at night there go me and Tess driving back towards my home to get the diapers and drive all the way back. Whatever..really it's frustrating.
Anyhow..that's the long and the short..will let you know what happens Wednesday at the psych eval for people using donor sperm...too funny...you think I need a shrink for donor sperm? I need a shrink for a million other reason!. ..
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Stolen Groove
I was on such a high on Monday and just feeling so serene on Tuesday, not even the bitches could steal my groove or so I thought. I went into work yesterday to find half my staff gone. Couldn't find a one from a particular section I supervise except for Kay. Go over to the administrative side of the building and there they are crowded into my bosses office to bitch about me. I'm cool, still handling it..no sweat. I speak to my boss afterwards who says there's nothing to talk about; that all their shit is petty shit. Okay but it's hurtful. One of the women in there is a "friend"...we've shared shit. I've given her a ride home before, counseled her through a divorce and the mental breakdown of her son. As a matter of fact, Tuesday she told me the whole story of what is going on with him at this point emphasizing how she can't share it with the others who don't get it. She was in there too. This woman is 20 years my senior. In fact, all these people are older than me. It hurt. The leader of the pack is the chick Patty, who went off on me at the end of November, had gone off again Tuesday night and managed to rile all these people up. My boss said, 2 of the staff admitted having no gripes with me and another had nothing in several years...they were all there to support Patty. It hurt. She continues with her abusive, mean spirited, insubordinate shit and nothing is done. I told my boss this but I may as well have spoken to myself and nothing continues to be done. Today after I had corrected an investigation she leaves me a printout of when to use a semi colon...this because I questioned her use of one. She constantly uses them incorrectly but it was just another snub from her. I went to speak to her and she proceeds to tell me she can't talk right now, cuts me off...same ol' shit. I called her nasty, abusive, and fresh as she stormed away from me. I wanted to deck her one and I know shit comes around but sometimes you wonder why it doesn't come immediately. The truth is, she is a very angry unhappy person because of her son. We've shared a lot about it because of D and the similarities in their outburst and issues as children. The biggest difference is that she's embarrassed by her child and my family would carry D on our shoulders tooting a trumpet we love D that much. Fucked up really. Well I lost my cool with her and cried hysterically in my office. I just can't take the abusive behavior anymore, the snubs, the bullshit when I have tried to be so supportive of not only her but all of my staff. It hurts really...so I let her steal my groove. So not the me I used to be. I'm more vulnerable now, not as tough... but it's just been too much. Life has kicked my ass and though I've tried to roll with the punches I'm scarred..I'm scarred and there's no amount of therapy can take it all away.
Kay said, Gem, you can't let them upset you. Not when you're going to try again. But it's easier said than done and I'm feeling particularly vulnerable especially with the situation with my dad. This new clinic requires a psych eval if you're using donor anything and I have mine scheduled for the end of January. Dude will probably think I'm out of my effin mind but if all this shit was going on in your life you'd be crazed too. Running my dad's business is also getting a little overwhelming and as crazy as she is, I'm thankful as hell for my mother who has been a great help. She ran the business for years and even with her dementia, half the shit is like breathing for her..she remembers and has tons of valuable connections, ideas, et cetera. Thank God. I do what I can and I'm getting good at negotiating deals but picture trying to do all that shit, learn all that shit, after you've worked a full day, and try to juggle visits to the nursing home and your own life, and bring a dog with you because you feel guilty that she's home all day alone...so she's been in people's businesses that aren't happy about it, nursing homes etc. Funny story with Tess; I take her to the nursing home, she starts barking at a nurse who runs by, my dad is all fucked up in the bed and his roommate is fast asleep. Tess' bark is high pitched so my dad's roommate yells out, "it's okay Herbie, daddy's home, Daddy's home..it's okay Herbie". All in his sleep. Funny. I guess you had to be there.
Anyhow, that's it. That's my life right now...Riding the highs and the lows and just trying to maintain.
Kay said, Gem, you can't let them upset you. Not when you're going to try again. But it's easier said than done and I'm feeling particularly vulnerable especially with the situation with my dad. This new clinic requires a psych eval if you're using donor anything and I have mine scheduled for the end of January. Dude will probably think I'm out of my effin mind but if all this shit was going on in your life you'd be crazed too. Running my dad's business is also getting a little overwhelming and as crazy as she is, I'm thankful as hell for my mother who has been a great help. She ran the business for years and even with her dementia, half the shit is like breathing for her..she remembers and has tons of valuable connections, ideas, et cetera. Thank God. I do what I can and I'm getting good at negotiating deals but picture trying to do all that shit, learn all that shit, after you've worked a full day, and try to juggle visits to the nursing home and your own life, and bring a dog with you because you feel guilty that she's home all day alone...so she's been in people's businesses that aren't happy about it, nursing homes etc. Funny story with Tess; I take her to the nursing home, she starts barking at a nurse who runs by, my dad is all fucked up in the bed and his roommate is fast asleep. Tess' bark is high pitched so my dad's roommate yells out, "it's okay Herbie, daddy's home, Daddy's home..it's okay Herbie". All in his sleep. Funny. I guess you had to be there.
Anyhow, that's it. That's my life right now...Riding the highs and the lows and just trying to maintain.
Monday, December 17, 2012
She says it's not my weight!!
So I went to the appointment today. Took 2, count them 2 hours to get there. She was thorough as all hell and I was nervous as all hell. Cried all the way to Kay's house to pick her up as she made the trip with me..what a friend. So the doctor asks me what brings me there, asks me what I think went wrong. I tell her they told me it's most likely a chromosomal abnormality or it could be my weight. She says, "It's not your weight". She then says, Whyyyy didn't you come here first?! I wish you would have. She says it's my age and my uterus but later, after looking at my uterus..fun fun...she says it's fine. Tells me that I could try IVF again, that it wouldn't be crazy. That if she were to do it the one thing she would have done differently is she would have let the eggs mature a little more before taking them out. Can I tell you...the whole time I was doing IVF I was wondering why she didn't leave them in for longer?! but I never trust myself, don't want to appear like a know it all, scared to ruffle feathers or ask stupid questions, and I hate that but that's life. She says, if you're producing 20something eggs, and only 5 are mature, what a waste of all those other eggs! She says to find out if the remaining balance on my insurance $11,000 can be completely applied to donor eggs and if not to try the IVF once more...if it can then just go with donor as the stats are better... I tell her I'll do a round of donor out of pocket. So it looks like it's another round of IVF. I don't think it'll work but I've gotta give it a shot...one last shot with my own eggs. Right before I began writing this post, I logged onto my facebook and saw that another one of my friends, my age and always sickly, just had a baby. All I can do is pray.
After the doctor's appointment Kay and I went and got something to eat, I ran home with a ridiculously upset stomach and a little tipsy from 1/2 a glass of wine, fell asleep or more like a coma on the couch and then went to my dad's apartment to begin packing up the shit. I had told my younger sib to meet me and we could just do an hour's worth so they agreed. We emptied his fridge, cleared everything off the wall, all his meds and bathroom shit, Pretty good so far. We also discovered that my cousin who is 19 and was shipped here to stay with relatives from whatever country he's from has been breaking into my dad's with a credit card, this after we changed the locks suspecting he had been breaking in, and has been having friends over. We left him a note along with all his shit we found hidden in a closet for him to hightail it. My dad tried to help him when he first came and let him live with him but had to kick him out, as did the other relative he was sent here to stay with..I still feel bad as it's winter and freezing but we can't have someone using drugs living there.
So after that I ran to the supermarket as we're having a breakfast at work tomorrow in lieu of a gift exchange and bought all kinds of shit...shitty shit. Usually I bake or order a beautiful platter of fruit that costs an arm and a leg but my heart's not in it. I'm pissed at those people or some of them and honestly, who has time for that and I'm stressed. So I bought two packs of $3 cinnamon buns, a box of cookies, one of donuts, all store baked (wow, impressive), 3 orange juice containers, and I'll pick up some bagels tomorrow. Sounds like a lot but really I spent about $20 at the supermarket and have a coupon for bagels and cream cheese combo for $12.99 so..... I usually buy each staff a gift and bake them a little something. Fuck it is what I'm saying this year....fuck it and I'm tired. I didn't even decorate my house...no tree no nothing. My plan is to buy 2 poinsettias tomorrow and put one in the dining and one in the living and merry friggin Christmas folks.
So that's it. I started the day crying on my way to the doctor and ended it crying seeing my dad's apartment empty but I smiled all day in between as in general it's been good...chick gave me hope. So the beat goes on and I'm hopeful again. Not deliriously, naively hopeful but thinking..hmm...maybe. Maybe it can happen.
After the doctor's appointment Kay and I went and got something to eat, I ran home with a ridiculously upset stomach and a little tipsy from 1/2 a glass of wine, fell asleep or more like a coma on the couch and then went to my dad's apartment to begin packing up the shit. I had told my younger sib to meet me and we could just do an hour's worth so they agreed. We emptied his fridge, cleared everything off the wall, all his meds and bathroom shit, Pretty good so far. We also discovered that my cousin who is 19 and was shipped here to stay with relatives from whatever country he's from has been breaking into my dad's with a credit card, this after we changed the locks suspecting he had been breaking in, and has been having friends over. We left him a note along with all his shit we found hidden in a closet for him to hightail it. My dad tried to help him when he first came and let him live with him but had to kick him out, as did the other relative he was sent here to stay with..I still feel bad as it's winter and freezing but we can't have someone using drugs living there.
So after that I ran to the supermarket as we're having a breakfast at work tomorrow in lieu of a gift exchange and bought all kinds of shit...shitty shit. Usually I bake or order a beautiful platter of fruit that costs an arm and a leg but my heart's not in it. I'm pissed at those people or some of them and honestly, who has time for that and I'm stressed. So I bought two packs of $3 cinnamon buns, a box of cookies, one of donuts, all store baked (wow, impressive), 3 orange juice containers, and I'll pick up some bagels tomorrow. Sounds like a lot but really I spent about $20 at the supermarket and have a coupon for bagels and cream cheese combo for $12.99 so..... I usually buy each staff a gift and bake them a little something. Fuck it is what I'm saying this year....fuck it and I'm tired. I didn't even decorate my house...no tree no nothing. My plan is to buy 2 poinsettias tomorrow and put one in the dining and one in the living and merry friggin Christmas folks.
So that's it. I started the day crying on my way to the doctor and ended it crying seeing my dad's apartment empty but I smiled all day in between as in general it's been good...chick gave me hope. So the beat goes on and I'm hopeful again. Not deliriously, naively hopeful but thinking..hmm...maybe. Maybe it can happen.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
The other half...of the pill that is
The other half of that old Valium finally went down the hatch tonight. That my brain doesn't literally explode surprises the shit out of me. Yesterday...late yesterday...I go over to my mom's and meet my sib who said they were taking D to Target to do some shopping..would I like to come along. Um..I've done like shit worth of Christmas shopping so uh, yeah! I get there, my sibs on the horn with the other sib...we've got nobody to watch my dad today, Teresa called out. When did she call out I ask? Last week. What? What!? and we're trying to figure this shit out the night before? Older sib gets a puss on when I suggest we take turns...arguing with other sib...I say, Hang up and call the day chick. The day chick so far, Rocks...kind, considerate, and will do anything no qualms. Sib is like, she can't do another day. I say just call her ass and see if she knows someone. I get my cell and call myself. She says she's calling a friend, what's the rate for the day, how long and she'll let me know in a few. Calls me back in half hour and it's covered. The anxiety that erupted in my chest over the shit...not so fast to go away.
Today I'm freaked as nobody seems to have any fire under their ass about moving my dad's shit, packing up, nothing. I speak to both sibs who say, "you think we need to start". WTF fellas really? I won't get into it..it's just stupid and long. We haven't packed shit. Younger sib says they'll meet me there tomorrow to pack. Neither know what I'm up to tomorrow so I tell them I'll call after "work".
Kay calls me tonight and I vomit my problems to her over the phone. I explain I cancelled my therapy session as I don't want to share tomorrow with anybody whether it's good or bad except for Kay of course who if I was a lesbian I would marry as she's just too good to me. Anyhow, she says, Gem, take the other half of that Valium, get some sleep tonight and try not to think about it. I decide to go ahead and take it and the anxiety has subsided. I'll sleep in a bit but wanted to just share this whatever this is, here, where I can say what I need.
I wonder at times when I'll find some peace...to have a baby I imagine you need some peace for that egg to want to hold onto. I don't remember a time where I had that. Always chaos in my life. Hoping for the best tomorrow but trying to prepare myself for the worst. Time will tell.
Today I'm freaked as nobody seems to have any fire under their ass about moving my dad's shit, packing up, nothing. I speak to both sibs who say, "you think we need to start". WTF fellas really? I won't get into it..it's just stupid and long. We haven't packed shit. Younger sib says they'll meet me there tomorrow to pack. Neither know what I'm up to tomorrow so I tell them I'll call after "work".
Kay calls me tonight and I vomit my problems to her over the phone. I explain I cancelled my therapy session as I don't want to share tomorrow with anybody whether it's good or bad except for Kay of course who if I was a lesbian I would marry as she's just too good to me. Anyhow, she says, Gem, take the other half of that Valium, get some sleep tonight and try not to think about it. I decide to go ahead and take it and the anxiety has subsided. I'll sleep in a bit but wanted to just share this whatever this is, here, where I can say what I need.
I wonder at times when I'll find some peace...to have a baby I imagine you need some peace for that egg to want to hold onto. I don't remember a time where I had that. Always chaos in my life. Hoping for the best tomorrow but trying to prepare myself for the worst. Time will tell.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Coming to a head
The anxiety is at full swing folks as this week the shit is coming to a head...so I'll either be in pieces at the end or will see a ray of hope. I have my appointment this Monday with the new clinic and the new doctor. Did I mention I pulled up the stats on Sart.org and my regular clinics stats were ridiculously low...so low it's just not even worth mentioning. The shrink brought up the fact, and I do believe I'm repeating some info here, that stats depend on the info going in...in other words on who they actually accept and it may just be that my clinic takes everybody and this other clinic does not...hoping this isn't the case and they'll actually take me...well time will tell won't it. I feel like this year has been the ass kicker of ass kickers and it'd be great to end on a positive.
In other news, my father is still at the nursing home for longer than we expected as he had somewhat of a setback. He continues to hallucinate and be nowhere near normal mentally or physically. A devastation really and last night after picking up my sib from the bus stop they stated wanting to get to the bottom of it so that he can go back to normal. Go back to normal? Ummm, perhaps I've had the hope bitch slapped out of me but I said to them, Uh,,,I don't think he's going back to "normal". Not for nothing but..hello. I could be wrong. I hope I'm wrong. For D's sake and for his sake as he hates all of this shit and I hate it to but frankly, I'm not holding my breath. Aside from all this shit, the finances are going faster than you can say, whatthefuck? and my youngest sib, who is in charge of the finances is in shock. They had given a budget of $2K to fix the new apartment and I said, are you just accounting for materials? They thought I was nuts. I explained, having recently had a bathroom renovated this shit costs dough. Needless to say, $2k went on materials...we're waiting to hear how much the work turned out to be. Yes, we work ass backwards...work first price later..go figure. There's nothing that can be done about it but we are definitely raising every one's rent come next year. He may be discharged on Monday which worries me because there is no way I can help with that....waited over 2 months for this doctor's appointment but I won't even jump to any worrying as I've got enough in real life.
Work is work. I finally had the opportunity to speak to my boss about the shit going on in my unit. No reprimands for anybody of course....may be taken off of my staff list and put in a different unit which is fine. I'm just so done with the whole thing really. Just need my peace but need my ego to get out of Peace's way. I am well aware that my worrying is my own OCD shit and though I've never been diagnosed with that..thank God...every one's got a little of everything and it's crystal clear to me that work woes is a topic that I take too personally. I wish I could just go there, leave and blow shit off but it's like I'm constantly playing these old tapes in my head and I rewind the mothers and play them back...angry at the whole shit of it. Got to get over it really. Just trying to find a way. I've just been praying about it like Mattie tells me.
As far as my fairy Godmother I haven't visited her again and I feel terribly guilty but the truth is I have not had time for shit. My apartment is a mess and today, the first day I would have had some time, I found myself unable to get up off the couch dead asleep as I've been unable to catch enough zzzz's all week. I finally had time to dye my hair today and shave everything that needed shaving...tmi..sorry...and tomorrow I take care of plucking and bleaching whatever else needs to be done.
And that's it. I'm wiped. Just fucking wiped. Say a prayer for me this week whoever is out there as I'll need it. I'll need it and I've needed it as there are too many days where I feel I'm at the cusp of losing the shit.. Just losing my friggin mind or whatever is left of it.
In other news, my father is still at the nursing home for longer than we expected as he had somewhat of a setback. He continues to hallucinate and be nowhere near normal mentally or physically. A devastation really and last night after picking up my sib from the bus stop they stated wanting to get to the bottom of it so that he can go back to normal. Go back to normal? Ummm, perhaps I've had the hope bitch slapped out of me but I said to them, Uh,,,I don't think he's going back to "normal". Not for nothing but..hello. I could be wrong. I hope I'm wrong. For D's sake and for his sake as he hates all of this shit and I hate it to but frankly, I'm not holding my breath. Aside from all this shit, the finances are going faster than you can say, whatthefuck? and my youngest sib, who is in charge of the finances is in shock. They had given a budget of $2K to fix the new apartment and I said, are you just accounting for materials? They thought I was nuts. I explained, having recently had a bathroom renovated this shit costs dough. Needless to say, $2k went on materials...we're waiting to hear how much the work turned out to be. Yes, we work ass backwards...work first price later..go figure. There's nothing that can be done about it but we are definitely raising every one's rent come next year. He may be discharged on Monday which worries me because there is no way I can help with that....waited over 2 months for this doctor's appointment but I won't even jump to any worrying as I've got enough in real life.
Work is work. I finally had the opportunity to speak to my boss about the shit going on in my unit. No reprimands for anybody of course....may be taken off of my staff list and put in a different unit which is fine. I'm just so done with the whole thing really. Just need my peace but need my ego to get out of Peace's way. I am well aware that my worrying is my own OCD shit and though I've never been diagnosed with that..thank God...every one's got a little of everything and it's crystal clear to me that work woes is a topic that I take too personally. I wish I could just go there, leave and blow shit off but it's like I'm constantly playing these old tapes in my head and I rewind the mothers and play them back...angry at the whole shit of it. Got to get over it really. Just trying to find a way. I've just been praying about it like Mattie tells me.
As far as my fairy Godmother I haven't visited her again and I feel terribly guilty but the truth is I have not had time for shit. My apartment is a mess and today, the first day I would have had some time, I found myself unable to get up off the couch dead asleep as I've been unable to catch enough zzzz's all week. I finally had time to dye my hair today and shave everything that needed shaving...tmi..sorry...and tomorrow I take care of plucking and bleaching whatever else needs to be done.
And that's it. I'm wiped. Just fucking wiped. Say a prayer for me this week whoever is out there as I'll need it. I'll need it and I've needed it as there are too many days where I feel I'm at the cusp of losing the shit.. Just losing my friggin mind or whatever is left of it.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Trying to roll with the punches..
It's been an ass kicker of a week and I find myself with anxiety, obsessive thoughts, and unable to friggin sleep. My father is not well. Not the kind of 'not well' that impairs one physically...it's all mental...hallucinating nonstop, he even looks and sounds different. The night before after we'd left the nursing home my sibs were called back as he'd become violent with the aides. My older sib ran over there to find him surrounded by aides at the reception desk, sitting there calmly and when they asked him what was wrong he answered..I'm sitting here surrounded by apes...referring to the aides.. The only saving grace is that he said this in a different language. Sheesh. My other sib came down from where they live and ended up staying until 6 a.m. as he would not go to sleep though they'd given him 4 different meds to try and knock him out. Though I offered to come down my sib refused and truthfully, I was delirious as I'd been going since early that morning non stop and had gotten home past midnight getting the call a bit after 1 a.m. I could have gone but they probably would have had to give me something as well. I've been trying to see him daily and trying not to go on the days my younger sib is able to come down though it's a crap shoot when they're coming which is a bit frustrating...I'm tired.
At work. Hmmm...how to sum it up so that my hands don't fall off explaining it all. One of the chicks at work has been having a titty fit regarding their caseload. Now listen, I gave some of the investigations to others when I saw it was too much but right now they have one a month for the next several months and they wanted me to ask the judge for an extension...for a report due in January!! I tried to explain calmly my concerns but she ripped me a new one, actually followed me to my office screaming at me while I yelled for her to stop and that was enough..finally slamming the door and locking it. The next day I was in for some more. Amidst all this was calls from the aides regarding my father being out of control. I sat quietly in my office for a minute contemplating whether to cry or have a nervous breakdown. My day ended Friday with a trip over to court for a sentencing on a case and we were whisked away to safety when pandemonium broke out. It was crazy, adrenaline pumping kind of shit...and that my friends was the end of my work week.
I don't see the shrink this week. She's overbooked..sweet. I have to plan for emotional survival. At work the plan is to close the office door and just ignore people. Home, gonna just pace myself though the work week starts with me having to meet someone to do some work for my dad's business...that's after my real job on Monday. Sweet..again. My sibs and I had to take over his business. Did I mention this? It's been an ass kicker and a good learning experience...not much of a stretch as we grew up surrounded by it and my mother, even with her growing dementia is able to be a resource when we are stuck and unsure of how things are done. Interestingly enough she remembers how to operate all financials. Thankfully.
So that's my life. Never a dull moment. The anxiety is killer. The no sleep is killer. And I wonder why I can't have babies. I can't remember a time when there wasn't some kind of stress. It's exhausting. And the other day, as I left the nursing home, a thought came to me; why? Why would I want to bring someone into this world full of all this crazy ass suffering? How fucking selfish am I? But I guess we're all selfish, or most of us, as most of us do it. It would bring me joy and I guess that's what life is about. Just enjoying the little joys. It's what keeps us going and not drowing in our shit. Finding things that make life fulfiling and worthwhile. The thought of children does that for me.
At work. Hmmm...how to sum it up so that my hands don't fall off explaining it all. One of the chicks at work has been having a titty fit regarding their caseload. Now listen, I gave some of the investigations to others when I saw it was too much but right now they have one a month for the next several months and they wanted me to ask the judge for an extension...for a report due in January!! I tried to explain calmly my concerns but she ripped me a new one, actually followed me to my office screaming at me while I yelled for her to stop and that was enough..finally slamming the door and locking it. The next day I was in for some more. Amidst all this was calls from the aides regarding my father being out of control. I sat quietly in my office for a minute contemplating whether to cry or have a nervous breakdown. My day ended Friday with a trip over to court for a sentencing on a case and we were whisked away to safety when pandemonium broke out. It was crazy, adrenaline pumping kind of shit...and that my friends was the end of my work week.
I don't see the shrink this week. She's overbooked..sweet. I have to plan for emotional survival. At work the plan is to close the office door and just ignore people. Home, gonna just pace myself though the work week starts with me having to meet someone to do some work for my dad's business...that's after my real job on Monday. Sweet..again. My sibs and I had to take over his business. Did I mention this? It's been an ass kicker and a good learning experience...not much of a stretch as we grew up surrounded by it and my mother, even with her growing dementia is able to be a resource when we are stuck and unsure of how things are done. Interestingly enough she remembers how to operate all financials. Thankfully.
So that's my life. Never a dull moment. The anxiety is killer. The no sleep is killer. And I wonder why I can't have babies. I can't remember a time when there wasn't some kind of stress. It's exhausting. And the other day, as I left the nursing home, a thought came to me; why? Why would I want to bring someone into this world full of all this crazy ass suffering? How fucking selfish am I? But I guess we're all selfish, or most of us, as most of us do it. It would bring me joy and I guess that's what life is about. Just enjoying the little joys. It's what keeps us going and not drowing in our shit. Finding things that make life fulfiling and worthwhile. The thought of children does that for me.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Life's whirlwinds
So right before we left on our trip my father had gone into the hospital with a blood clot in his arm that caused it to swell to ridiculously large proportions. We thought he'd go in and that would be the end but apparently it triggered more damage to what had already occurred with the stroke and the dude began to hallucinate and become violent, was put on psychiatric meds and ultimately transferred to a nursing home where he is now. The hallucinations for the most part have subsided. When I tell you this is so unlike my father I cannot even explain. My father is one of those people who never gets their feathers ruffled...Never..Ever. Have never seen him explode in anger or yell a day in his life. When he's going to be an asshole to you he does it in a calm collected, piss you off even more way. It was needless to say a stressful trip as we'd left my younger sibling here alone with the situation and they were starting to unravel under the pressure. We visited him the same night we got in and the yesterday as well and he is so not the same but that's life I suppose. He's a skeleton and when we visited him yesterday he had just finished puking his guts out. We're hoping to get his new apartment set up as soon as the tenants move out though they're taking their sweet fucking time. On top of this his brother came in from the country he's from and he stopped by my mom's yesterday. I saw he was wearing my father's favorite baseball cap which pissed me off as last time he left with a brand new pair of my father's shoes. It seems everyone tries to take advantage of whatever situation they can. The women that are caring for him are not excluded from this, at least the overnight person seems to be. The day person seems to be excellent and I'm hoping this isn't all just an optical illusion.
As far as the trip went there's nothing much to say. Everyone was kind, everyone was broke. We gave out as much money to whichever family members seemed to need it the most but it's never really enough. What do you do? I would like to send my cousin Vanessa some money though it's awkward. She asked to borrow a few thousand from me earlier this year and I sent it to her with her promising to get it back to me this December which doesn't look likely. I'll send her some for Christmas though I know it'll never be the amount she needs. The economy over there is ridiculous really...what do you do? Aside from all that mess and I won't mention the gossip pool they've got rolling over there, we were stressed and quiet the entire trip knowing that my father over here was not well and my sib was falling apart. When we landed I could have kissed the fucking dirty ground I was so relieved and I slept the sleep of death on the cab ride home as I hadn't slept peacefully the whole trip...just an hour or two at a pop.
Ohhh, I almost forgot, I went to see a psychic over there who said without a cleansing she didn't foresee me having any children or a marriage as someone had cursed me. Now I believe in psychics but this chick seemed to just be looking for $$ so I don't believe it...can't believe it. She said more about a spirit of a little girl floating around me trying to get to me but mostly I had to lead her in the right direction and I've been to my share where you don't have to say shit so..that was that. It was kind of scary as I'd never gone to a potions type of person but ... Whatever. Life is life and my thoughts are I'll try to make mine what I want and if it doesn't work out so be it.
In a few weeks I go see the new doctor. I'm scared she won't take me. I was doing comparison success rates between that clinic and my old one but one of them used percentages and the other used fractions and Lord help me if I can try to figure it out. I did what I could mentally with my underutilized math and it seems like the new clinic has much better percentage rates but really I guess it's all up to God and the fates. Time will tell.
I'm tired from all of this but feel like I accomplished something just getting through it. I'm sure there's more to come and we'll see what that is.
As far as the trip went there's nothing much to say. Everyone was kind, everyone was broke. We gave out as much money to whichever family members seemed to need it the most but it's never really enough. What do you do? I would like to send my cousin Vanessa some money though it's awkward. She asked to borrow a few thousand from me earlier this year and I sent it to her with her promising to get it back to me this December which doesn't look likely. I'll send her some for Christmas though I know it'll never be the amount she needs. The economy over there is ridiculous really...what do you do? Aside from all that mess and I won't mention the gossip pool they've got rolling over there, we were stressed and quiet the entire trip knowing that my father over here was not well and my sib was falling apart. When we landed I could have kissed the fucking dirty ground I was so relieved and I slept the sleep of death on the cab ride home as I hadn't slept peacefully the whole trip...just an hour or two at a pop.
Ohhh, I almost forgot, I went to see a psychic over there who said without a cleansing she didn't foresee me having any children or a marriage as someone had cursed me. Now I believe in psychics but this chick seemed to just be looking for $$ so I don't believe it...can't believe it. She said more about a spirit of a little girl floating around me trying to get to me but mostly I had to lead her in the right direction and I've been to my share where you don't have to say shit so..that was that. It was kind of scary as I'd never gone to a potions type of person but ... Whatever. Life is life and my thoughts are I'll try to make mine what I want and if it doesn't work out so be it.
In a few weeks I go see the new doctor. I'm scared she won't take me. I was doing comparison success rates between that clinic and my old one but one of them used percentages and the other used fractions and Lord help me if I can try to figure it out. I did what I could mentally with my underutilized math and it seems like the new clinic has much better percentage rates but really I guess it's all up to God and the fates. Time will tell.
I'm tired from all of this but feel like I accomplished something just getting through it. I'm sure there's more to come and we'll see what that is.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Shit
I've been feeling more emotional lately. I actually broke down at the Korean food market in front of one of my sibs which is so unlike me I can't even tell you. My mom's old neighbor was there. She is like a grandmother to us or more to D really and I love her though I could probably do a better job showing it. She looks terrible. I looked at her and actually saw what she would like look in her casket; that's what she looked like. I broke down...I had trouble just speaking to her as it broke my heart too much really. I keep her savings in an account in my name and I just told her to stop saving any more money as she has too much in there (about 20K). She told me it's just in case something happens...code for in case I die. I told her it's more than enough for what she would need. She told me okay that she wouldn't put more away. Heartbreaking talk. Just heartbreaking. A kinder soul you'd never meet and she's been through too much in her life, lost her 3 little girls when they were all young...I don't know how she's not still howling at the moon in pain and agony really.
Today is my father's birthday. He is in the hospital. Also saddens me. He's not who he once was. It seems everyone is falling apart and pretty soon there'll be no family left except for the sibs as they're all just falling apart.
Looming in the background of all of this is my babies that don't exist. Yesterday someone came to my job with a 2 week old little baby who was just precious. The woman, who probably thought I was a complete loon, let me hold him. He was beyond sweet and I held him for as long as didn't appear crazy. She had 3 other kids and had stabbed the baby's father the day before. Awesome. This is my life. I get to see all the crack head criminals with their babies that they will ultimately introduce into the system, and I stand to the side and get bupkis. Awesome. But that's life I suppose and who the fuck am I?
So I'm feeling a bit sad and tomorrow I leave to visit my family and confirm my cousin's daughter in Puerto Rico. I'm half Puerto Rican on my mother's side. I'm there for 5 days with my older sib and with D. D is having a hard time with all of this and I'm scared of what will actually happen when my mom's neighbor dies (D calls them every morning) or when my father goes though I don't think my father will go in the immediate future, or when my mother goes as I have the feeling that she will go suddenly...just a hunch....what the frick do I know really?
I read a quote today about people not realizing that there's not that much time and it so resonated with me. My old therapist used to say that I was living the unlived life and though I don't completely agree with her it's haunted me always. The thing I keep thinking is that I spent so much time feeling shy, insecure, not good enough, not woman enough that I did neglect large parts of my life. The part where you throw some caution to the wind and try out some guys and the baby part. I should have done all of this when I was younger. Even now I don't try with men. It's the not feeling woman enough, or good enough. Mattie at work made me a feel a bit better this week. One of the guards at work has a crush on me and every time I see him he says something to me. He's gross btw. I tell Mattie and ask her if I'm being too pick and I know she'll shoot straight as she's from the complete hood and she says, "What!? You're out of his league. What is he thinking?" Made me feel better. Sometimes I worry that I've been too picky and hence ended up with nothing but in truth I think that the people who were interested in me weren't good enough and I knew it...except for asshole but asshole too really. Oh well. I could deal with no man, it's the no baby thing that is just killing me. Shit.
Anyhow, that's my life in a nutshell. Lexie will be staying with Tess here at the condo which I hope works out...hope Lexi loves Tess enough as she's used to a million hugs a day. I'm a typical insane dog owner but it's all I have really. So that's that. I'm hoping my trip is fun at least a little. Hope I get to sit by the hotel pool with a cocktail at least once. Just need a little peace...just a little.
Today is my father's birthday. He is in the hospital. Also saddens me. He's not who he once was. It seems everyone is falling apart and pretty soon there'll be no family left except for the sibs as they're all just falling apart.
Looming in the background of all of this is my babies that don't exist. Yesterday someone came to my job with a 2 week old little baby who was just precious. The woman, who probably thought I was a complete loon, let me hold him. He was beyond sweet and I held him for as long as didn't appear crazy. She had 3 other kids and had stabbed the baby's father the day before. Awesome. This is my life. I get to see all the crack head criminals with their babies that they will ultimately introduce into the system, and I stand to the side and get bupkis. Awesome. But that's life I suppose and who the fuck am I?
So I'm feeling a bit sad and tomorrow I leave to visit my family and confirm my cousin's daughter in Puerto Rico. I'm half Puerto Rican on my mother's side. I'm there for 5 days with my older sib and with D. D is having a hard time with all of this and I'm scared of what will actually happen when my mom's neighbor dies (D calls them every morning) or when my father goes though I don't think my father will go in the immediate future, or when my mother goes as I have the feeling that she will go suddenly...just a hunch....what the frick do I know really?
I read a quote today about people not realizing that there's not that much time and it so resonated with me. My old therapist used to say that I was living the unlived life and though I don't completely agree with her it's haunted me always. The thing I keep thinking is that I spent so much time feeling shy, insecure, not good enough, not woman enough that I did neglect large parts of my life. The part where you throw some caution to the wind and try out some guys and the baby part. I should have done all of this when I was younger. Even now I don't try with men. It's the not feeling woman enough, or good enough. Mattie at work made me a feel a bit better this week. One of the guards at work has a crush on me and every time I see him he says something to me. He's gross btw. I tell Mattie and ask her if I'm being too pick and I know she'll shoot straight as she's from the complete hood and she says, "What!? You're out of his league. What is he thinking?" Made me feel better. Sometimes I worry that I've been too picky and hence ended up with nothing but in truth I think that the people who were interested in me weren't good enough and I knew it...except for asshole but asshole too really. Oh well. I could deal with no man, it's the no baby thing that is just killing me. Shit.
Anyhow, that's my life in a nutshell. Lexie will be staying with Tess here at the condo which I hope works out...hope Lexi loves Tess enough as she's used to a million hugs a day. I'm a typical insane dog owner but it's all I have really. So that's that. I'm hoping my trip is fun at least a little. Hope I get to sit by the hotel pool with a cocktail at least once. Just need a little peace...just a little.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Catching up
I've been hanging on in therapy. I was going to quit..as usual..but we've begun delving into some shit from the past and I think it's something I've needed to do for some time. We've talked about the abusive shit with my parents, which I frankly never considered that horrific, but when you verbalize crap it really wakes you up and makes you realize how crazy it really was. The therapist was shocked which frankly shocked me but there it is. She said something that was interesting to me as my mother, who spent countless years in therapy herself, always mentioned her therapist saying; I'm shocked you turned out so well. Sends chills down my spine that my therapist uttered these exact words. Anyhow, the past is the past and childhood for most people is traumatic, at least in my opinion. So I'm hanging in hoping to exorcise some of these demons from my soul.
I'm more settled with the aspect of taking care of my part of my father's business and though it's exhausting, I also find it somewhat fun. It's dealing with people, buying shit, negotiating..exhausting but it's good and I like the fact that I'm learning as I go along. I find though that the more settled with it that I become the more my thoughts return to the baby making thing. My therapist in a round about way pointed out that my chances of having a baby are not good and normally, I would make some witty sarcastic remark such as "Harvard, right"? but really, it's painful. I haven't given up hope but it's less and less as time goes by and it's this sick sinking feeling in my stomach...not good.
So this is the plan: Go to the appointment in December and see what the doctor at the new place says. If she takes me, I'll just go with what she says, asking first if IUI is even worth considering going back to and if not do the donor egg. If the chick who offered me the eggs has any left, I'll try those too. If whatever I do doesn't work, then I take a year off, get lap band and try to pay off as much of my egg donor shit as possible, lose as much as possible and get back on that horse next year. That's the plan for now. I'm not even ready for that plan but it is what it is. How I'll manage driving into the city for treatment if they accept me is beyond me but I've got a good amount of sick time and vacation time, about 4 months worth (yes hoarding time for my imaginary maternity leave) and we'll take it from there.
I just have to add that I'm sick of seeing baby shit, maternity shit, pregnancy shit, parenting shit, hearing people talk about their friggin kids...sick of it. It's like a knife to the chest each time or more like the eyeball or maybe it's a combo as it just makes me feel like howling at the moon and crying my eyes out and that's as good as a description of the feeling as I can get.
I'm more settled with the aspect of taking care of my part of my father's business and though it's exhausting, I also find it somewhat fun. It's dealing with people, buying shit, negotiating..exhausting but it's good and I like the fact that I'm learning as I go along. I find though that the more settled with it that I become the more my thoughts return to the baby making thing. My therapist in a round about way pointed out that my chances of having a baby are not good and normally, I would make some witty sarcastic remark such as "Harvard, right"? but really, it's painful. I haven't given up hope but it's less and less as time goes by and it's this sick sinking feeling in my stomach...not good.
So this is the plan: Go to the appointment in December and see what the doctor at the new place says. If she takes me, I'll just go with what she says, asking first if IUI is even worth considering going back to and if not do the donor egg. If the chick who offered me the eggs has any left, I'll try those too. If whatever I do doesn't work, then I take a year off, get lap band and try to pay off as much of my egg donor shit as possible, lose as much as possible and get back on that horse next year. That's the plan for now. I'm not even ready for that plan but it is what it is. How I'll manage driving into the city for treatment if they accept me is beyond me but I've got a good amount of sick time and vacation time, about 4 months worth (yes hoarding time for my imaginary maternity leave) and we'll take it from there.
I just have to add that I'm sick of seeing baby shit, maternity shit, pregnancy shit, parenting shit, hearing people talk about their friggin kids...sick of it. It's like a knife to the chest each time or more like the eyeball or maybe it's a combo as it just makes me feel like howling at the moon and crying my eyes out and that's as good as a description of the feeling as I can get.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Catching up
My father is home with round the clock care and the compulsion to go there every day left me as soon as he was home. I'm glad. It was weird and in the time I spent with him after so many years of a distant relationship I learned several things: people love him. I mean people LOVVVVVVVE him. I should be so lucky in my life to have 1/10th of the people who love him love me. He's loved and has helped a ton of people...a legend in his community...impressive really. I also learned that he is all too human and I guess as his adult child that is something I didn't want to know. The truth is that obviously I knew he wasn't perfect...I mean I no longer have the father/daughter relationship and haven't for about 20 years now which is fine. But I learned more than I could deal with and it made me feel that I didn't want to hang with him any more.
I'm going to put this out there because well, it's the truth, this is anonymous, if anyone does find out my true identity they were just nosey assholes, and last but most importantly, the reason I started this blog, aside from putting down my journey was to be a healthier person...so here goes nothing..
When I started therapy with this new chick, the reason she got my attention was she made one observation; she basically said the reason I'm single is related to my relationship with my father. Am I comfortable with this thought? No. Is it probably true? Yes. My father was not a horrible person. He really wasn't. But he was definitely emotionally abusive in a household that needed no other type of abuse. We all went through a lot emotionally with him or, wait, I'll keep it in the "I" and say I feel like I went through a lot emotionally with him. Between the period of time where he refused to speak to us, his flip flopping on decisions and taking things promised away from us, and his affairs, it was ridiculously unbearable at times. Compared to my mother's emotional rollercoastering he was the more stable, believe it or not. There's more but I won't bore you with the woe is me tails. He did the best that he knew how or maybe he did what he though...the bottom line is it's over. My idea of men if it came from him was not good and spending all this time with him I found out a secret. He has a sexually transmitted disease. There. I said it. It disgusts me. The minute I found out it was like I was moving backwards at the speed of light away from him...the straw that broke the camels back. Too human, too gross, too not what a daughter wants to know about a father. My sibs seem fine with it or at least they don't say anything. Me, I'm like get the fuck out of here. I visited him this past weekend but I'm pretty much done working on the relationship trying to make it something it's not. I feel like this is as close as I want to be with him and it actually made me feel closer to my crazy ass mother. Made me feel bad for her. This was the love of her life. It brought back memories for me of his affairs and our semi-awareness...the way things only partially register in your brain as a child when you're lost in your own teeny tiny school world. I remember being at my parent's business and the phone ringing incessantly and the hang ups and how this went on for years. How he was having an affair with a woman who rented from us..all the shit that you really don't register until you're older and are triggered by something else. It was a crazy life when we were little...scary a little too. There was good and bad like everybody else but there are still a lot of scars from childhood that I know my siblings share. I guess most people have their lumps that never heal. It is what it is. It affected me and though I don't credit it for my immense fear of men (oh yes my friend and you thought you knew me) it definitely added to it...that and some other unfortunate experiences...
So there it is...another secret... another piece of my mind out there. Feels better out than in. I can't always own all this shit by myself and I have to put it out there...just release some of the pressure from my brain. I haven't been able to tell anyone about my father's secret as it's too gross and blech!! Haven't been able to tell Kay or Diana or Z though I think I would feel comfortable telling both Diana and Z when I see them maybe. It feels good to just put it out there and hey, I know people have bigger and badder shit about their parents but to me it just was too much I suppose.
On the baby front it's getting closer to the doctor's appointment and I worry that they won't accept me as a client because of my weight...Who knows. I guess time will tell. I have this adrenaline just course through me when I think of it; a nervous energy, anxiety maybe? Not sure. All I know is that it's uncomfortable and I hate it. I hate that this is so hard for me, that it's been so hard and though I realize I'm not the only one, it feels like it. It feels like I'm alone. It feels like I'm alone with this desperation in my heart. This feeling that this chapter in my life is closing all too quickly with no baby in sight.
I'm going to put this out there because well, it's the truth, this is anonymous, if anyone does find out my true identity they were just nosey assholes, and last but most importantly, the reason I started this blog, aside from putting down my journey was to be a healthier person...so here goes nothing..
When I started therapy with this new chick, the reason she got my attention was she made one observation; she basically said the reason I'm single is related to my relationship with my father. Am I comfortable with this thought? No. Is it probably true? Yes. My father was not a horrible person. He really wasn't. But he was definitely emotionally abusive in a household that needed no other type of abuse. We all went through a lot emotionally with him or, wait, I'll keep it in the "I" and say I feel like I went through a lot emotionally with him. Between the period of time where he refused to speak to us, his flip flopping on decisions and taking things promised away from us, and his affairs, it was ridiculously unbearable at times. Compared to my mother's emotional rollercoastering he was the more stable, believe it or not. There's more but I won't bore you with the woe is me tails. He did the best that he knew how or maybe he did what he though...the bottom line is it's over. My idea of men if it came from him was not good and spending all this time with him I found out a secret. He has a sexually transmitted disease. There. I said it. It disgusts me. The minute I found out it was like I was moving backwards at the speed of light away from him...the straw that broke the camels back. Too human, too gross, too not what a daughter wants to know about a father. My sibs seem fine with it or at least they don't say anything. Me, I'm like get the fuck out of here. I visited him this past weekend but I'm pretty much done working on the relationship trying to make it something it's not. I feel like this is as close as I want to be with him and it actually made me feel closer to my crazy ass mother. Made me feel bad for her. This was the love of her life. It brought back memories for me of his affairs and our semi-awareness...the way things only partially register in your brain as a child when you're lost in your own teeny tiny school world. I remember being at my parent's business and the phone ringing incessantly and the hang ups and how this went on for years. How he was having an affair with a woman who rented from us..all the shit that you really don't register until you're older and are triggered by something else. It was a crazy life when we were little...scary a little too. There was good and bad like everybody else but there are still a lot of scars from childhood that I know my siblings share. I guess most people have their lumps that never heal. It is what it is. It affected me and though I don't credit it for my immense fear of men (oh yes my friend and you thought you knew me) it definitely added to it...that and some other unfortunate experiences...
So there it is...another secret... another piece of my mind out there. Feels better out than in. I can't always own all this shit by myself and I have to put it out there...just release some of the pressure from my brain. I haven't been able to tell anyone about my father's secret as it's too gross and blech!! Haven't been able to tell Kay or Diana or Z though I think I would feel comfortable telling both Diana and Z when I see them maybe. It feels good to just put it out there and hey, I know people have bigger and badder shit about their parents but to me it just was too much I suppose.
On the baby front it's getting closer to the doctor's appointment and I worry that they won't accept me as a client because of my weight...Who knows. I guess time will tell. I have this adrenaline just course through me when I think of it; a nervous energy, anxiety maybe? Not sure. All I know is that it's uncomfortable and I hate it. I hate that this is so hard for me, that it's been so hard and though I realize I'm not the only one, it feels like it. It feels like I'm alone. It feels like I'm alone with this desperation in my heart. This feeling that this chapter in my life is closing all too quickly with no baby in sight.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
today
My father came home yesterday from the nursing home. I have such mixed feelings about our relationship after all of this; shit that haunts me at night. It's so weird really. I had been going every day to visit him as I'd mentioned in an earlier post and today was the first day that I didn't. I feel okay about it. I've cried over his situation these past few weeks and that has been confusing; the feeling of sadness and I've tried to work this out in my head but really, it's just a little clear. I am not going to even begin to try and explain it as it would take too much effort to even try to sort it out in my mind let alone put it on paper. I'm okay with it...as confusing and uncomfortable with it as it feels I accept.
I spoke to the therapist chick last night. A little about the father thing, a little about the sibling thing, a little about the weight thing and a little about the baby thing. She said something to me that's hung with me all day today...she was talking about having seen a doctor who put her on a special diet and though she didn't need to lose weight she ended up losing weight...then she said "I lost a little but of course you have a lot to lose". She went on to try and give me tips on what to eat...she suggested...drum roll please....carrot sticks. Now, you see? This is what I love about therapist (not)...they try to be everything...and what I need is a therapist. I politely said to her as she went on about the carrot sticks, celery, and other such shit, that perhaps if I was going to get suggestions on food I should speak to a nutritionist...she agreed...holy shit is all I can say...man...amateurs! I continue to see her as she's making me think but she said something else that was telling...I mentioned OA and she said, "what's that", I said, Overeaters Anonymous, and she said, never heard of it....holy shit (did I say that already...yes, yes I believe I did) fuck. I'm going to take another angle next time...I'm going to talk about the feelings related to my eating rather than my eating...you know, the disease rather than the symptom..see if we get somewhere. ..*sigh*..
Speaking of...I haven't gone to see the Canadians since I began seeing this chick as Tuesday is this ladies only available day and the same day as OA and in truth it's probably better that I change meetings. I was doing nothing with these ladies but going through the motions and I want to try again to a better attended meeting, get a sponsor and really give it a shot...the problem is finding the time...but we'll have to try to work something out. I'm going back to WW on Sunday with D but it's not enough. I need something to kick my ass down the road to losing weight and deep inside I feel like it's a losing battle and really no pun intended...I mean how else do you express this. I just feel defeated.
My cousin called me today about being her daughter's confirmation sponsor this coming November which means I have to fly over to where they live (Island and no not in the states)...don't want to but can't say no and I already bought a dress as I knew the shit was coming. Oh well...there goes another thousand or so bucks and more stress.. I wonder sometimes if stress ever stops long enough for you to really catch your breath or if it's like one of those torture shits where they dunk your head over and over in the bucket and you just get quick gasps in between each dunk...at least that's how it feels sometimes...quick gasps and a bit more torture.
Anyhow that's what's up with today. All this shit flying through my brain and flying through my life and me just trying to take real quick steps to keep up with it all and not get tripped up by all the shit that brings me down...all the babies around me the pregnant bellies, the time flying by making me older bringing me further and further away from the babies I want...
I spoke to the therapist chick last night. A little about the father thing, a little about the sibling thing, a little about the weight thing and a little about the baby thing. She said something to me that's hung with me all day today...she was talking about having seen a doctor who put her on a special diet and though she didn't need to lose weight she ended up losing weight...then she said "I lost a little but of course you have a lot to lose". She went on to try and give me tips on what to eat...she suggested...drum roll please....carrot sticks. Now, you see? This is what I love about therapist (not)...they try to be everything...and what I need is a therapist. I politely said to her as she went on about the carrot sticks, celery, and other such shit, that perhaps if I was going to get suggestions on food I should speak to a nutritionist...she agreed...holy shit is all I can say...man...amateurs! I continue to see her as she's making me think but she said something else that was telling...I mentioned OA and she said, "what's that", I said, Overeaters Anonymous, and she said, never heard of it....holy shit (did I say that already...yes, yes I believe I did) fuck. I'm going to take another angle next time...I'm going to talk about the feelings related to my eating rather than my eating...you know, the disease rather than the symptom..see if we get somewhere. ..*sigh*..
Speaking of...I haven't gone to see the Canadians since I began seeing this chick as Tuesday is this ladies only available day and the same day as OA and in truth it's probably better that I change meetings. I was doing nothing with these ladies but going through the motions and I want to try again to a better attended meeting, get a sponsor and really give it a shot...the problem is finding the time...but we'll have to try to work something out. I'm going back to WW on Sunday with D but it's not enough. I need something to kick my ass down the road to losing weight and deep inside I feel like it's a losing battle and really no pun intended...I mean how else do you express this. I just feel defeated.
My cousin called me today about being her daughter's confirmation sponsor this coming November which means I have to fly over to where they live (Island and no not in the states)...don't want to but can't say no and I already bought a dress as I knew the shit was coming. Oh well...there goes another thousand or so bucks and more stress.. I wonder sometimes if stress ever stops long enough for you to really catch your breath or if it's like one of those torture shits where they dunk your head over and over in the bucket and you just get quick gasps in between each dunk...at least that's how it feels sometimes...quick gasps and a bit more torture.
Anyhow that's what's up with today. All this shit flying through my brain and flying through my life and me just trying to take real quick steps to keep up with it all and not get tripped up by all the shit that brings me down...all the babies around me the pregnant bellies, the time flying by making me older bringing me further and further away from the babies I want...
Monday, September 10, 2012
Fighting with the Sib...shit
I went to visit my father tonight at the nursing home. My younger sib with whom I've never gotten along was there. They start off by saying they had a meeting with the accountant today and want to hire him to take over all of the managing of the properties paying him $100 per rental unit. This is a topic we discussed before. I tell them I'm not comfortable with this and would rather a family friend who'd offered to do this do it for us. I don't know how it happened really but we start to argue. They say they are the one who always has to do everything and nobody is involved. I say I've offered and nobody takes me up on it...only want me to do what they want. They bring up all kinds of shit, say I've never offered..I go back and throw up the fact that they never asked me about the trying to get preg..they say they were the last to know about it and that fact is offensive.. I'm livid and I end the conversation. I just emailed them and told them I regret the conversation and would like to be informed of any future negotiations. I'm pissed.
I'm pissed and I'm done. Have had enough of their shit. They say they walk on eggshells around me and I tell them the feeling is mutual as they are always in some sort of state of breakdown.
They shoot down everything I say and I tell them..conversation is pointless if you just shoot everything down and don't acknowledge...they deny of course. I wait a bit and finally bid farewell to my thankfully sleeping and snoring father...hightail it to pick up Tess from my mothers take her for a walk...write the infamous email and here I am telling the tail to try to get the rest of it off my chest.
I wanted to just get down and dirty and call her a fucking bitch but thought better of it thank God. Anyhow, had to get it out. Will smoke a cig and have some wine and call it a day. Whatever man. Shit.
I'm pissed and I'm done. Have had enough of their shit. They say they walk on eggshells around me and I tell them the feeling is mutual as they are always in some sort of state of breakdown.
They shoot down everything I say and I tell them..conversation is pointless if you just shoot everything down and don't acknowledge...they deny of course. I wait a bit and finally bid farewell to my thankfully sleeping and snoring father...hightail it to pick up Tess from my mothers take her for a walk...write the infamous email and here I am telling the tail to try to get the rest of it off my chest.
I wanted to just get down and dirty and call her a fucking bitch but thought better of it thank God. Anyhow, had to get it out. Will smoke a cig and have some wine and call it a day. Whatever man. Shit.
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