Someday(s) are harder than others...

It's been a while and in truth I wasn't sure I'd come back but alas here I am with my heart full of emotions just spilling out of me. Right now really I'm just feeling tired; tired and depressed if truth be told. They say the fastest way to clear out a room is to put someone who's depressed in it. Alas, I really don't have to worry about that as few people come here but me and the crazies that lie within me.

Anyhow, where to begin. Really so many things have happened and by the same token nothing. There was an investigation at D's program after D reported that my mom hit them...it was not good. The police were called and I thought I was going to have a stroke. The police refused to investigate... This was so troubling for me on so many levels. First off I felt like I was torn between two lovers; I thought at this point my mother should know better but was caught up in feeling bad for her as she was freaked. The program suggested I press charges...Oh okay...right. D wasn't hurt except for the emotional aspect of it all and I pointed out to the program that this is about the 5th year that goes by without a residential placement for D that I've been requesting as my mother isn't able to properly care for D...hello people. Anyway, long story short, exhausting, almost had a heart attack complete with taking an anti anxiety pill for my heart palpitations and of course nothing came of it and in truth...THANK GOD!!! Nothing like an arrest for a mother who is not only a snob but also suffering from dementia....I would say more about it and try and take side but the truth is...for what? I'm clinging, clinging, to my sanity and reason so I can't take on any more.

My father is in the hospital again....not good. We've also been having problems with both my mother and father's business so I spent most of this morning with my mother in court. Now, if I was ever suicidal I'd spend the whole day with her and I'd surely die of frustration...she is beyond difficult. My plan had been to go to court and go to work afterwards but I found myself unraveling as I drove my mother home so instead I called out, bought myself something to eat, and came home. I then went to the hospital for a little while and then picked up my sib from the bus stop.

I decided to write, or more accurately, what propelled me to write, was my obsession with P face and Asshole which hasn't surfaced in a while but tonight while doing a google search I found out they had a little girl. You want to kill me Universe?! It just wrenched a hole in my heart. I guess a part of me feels that is the life I wish I was living and he's the one that got away and it's my fault because I didn't have the courage or so it seems to make it happen. That's the crazy me talking. The realistic me realizes that it would have never worked as I would have had to be the man and take the reins and that's just not my style and furthermore the dude was immature and in the end we would have been two fatties eating our way through life. His wife seems much more motivated to do shit, make shit happen, and take the bull by the horns...she's also much younger than myself...good for you Asshole (ha...)..! Oh well. That's the healthy me...not really that healthy but better than nothing. The bottom line is I realize perhaps a little late in the game that I want love, I want a man in my life....maybe not a husband but something like it....a support where I have his back and he's got mine and we're a fucking team who kicks ass together and gets through shit together and maybe it's all just a fairy tale we're sold and the actual relationship might be harder than I imagine but I want to have love in my life and that's that.

Speaking of healthy vs. unhealthy me, last week I went to go see the shrink lady and we had a serious talk about why I thought I was nuts. She said to me (again as I seem to be hard to convince), Gem, you are not crazy. Your family is crazy, the shit you  go through is ridiculously difficult and overwhelming and anybody would feel crazy having to take care of all of that. I felt better leaving. Still not 100% convince but I don't think I ever will be. You know, when the whole hitting thing happened with D it kind of shocked me but it didn't. I was hit growing up and really most of my friends were. Truth be told I'm not against corporal punishment but there is a time and a place and I don't believe in hitting when you are out of control. A spanking yes, absolutely, hot wild going crazy no wire hangers shit...no. I've had the no wire hangers shit many times...all of my siblings except for D have...shit happens and believe me that didn't stay with me as much as some of the emotional shit that haunts me til this day. It's funny that my mother was the big hitter though it's my father who caused the most emotional scars and he prided himself on never hitting the kids....my father really did a trip on me and it'll never be resolved. I told this to the shrink lady how this will never be resolved between us; not because he can no longer carry a conversation but because we never had a relationship where we could talk...neither one of my parents did with any of us though I'm sure that's the case for a lot of people. Kay at work talk to her mom every day...and used to speak to her dad every day too until his dementia got too bad. They have what she calls an awesome relationship and I hope, if I ever have children, to have even half the relationship she has with her mother. The shrink lady and I spoke about this...about how I worried that I might not as I have no personal frame of reference of a tight relationship with a parent. I don't know if she was blowing smoke up my ass but she said the fact that it was a goal and something I was striving for would set me on the right path....made me feel better.

Anyhow, there is apparently no rest for the weary as I'm on call and just got a call from the local police...
Will try to document more often...if for no other reason than it's a rare day that I blog and don't feel better after. It really is more of a personal journal than a blog but oh well.....

This is your brain on drugs

I can't explain how crazy my brain feels while on all of these meds. I spoke to Kay tonight who said it was the same thing last time...I honestly don't remember. Feels so shitty. The silver lining to all this is the fact that this is the last time I have to be on all of these meds. Woot woot. Yes, I'm being sarcastic. The truth is I'd do this 50 more times if you told me it'd work. Well, maybe not 50 but a bunch more.

Went to the therapist today and she isn't leaving my insurance plan like the letter I received stated...she said it's some kind of error. Good session but we won't see each other again until March 5th. By then the shit will have hit the fan. I keep talking negatively hoping that I'm wrong...un-jinxing it so to speak. I know that shit doesn't work. That's how crazily desperate I've become. I'm now trying to un-jinx shit that's not jinxed. Lord...this is partly medication and partly my own insanity. Ugh...just want the relief. We talked about the "man" issue or lack thereof. She asked me if I ever thought of looking for one. No, never occurred to me. I explain I feel too shitty. I tell her straight up, I don't even feel like a woman at this weight. And that my friends is the truth. I feel like a wildebeest...or just a beast as I have no idea what a wildebeest is but it sounds so gross and exactly how I feel..gross. I tell her when this is all done I'm doing the lapband and getting myself in shape. I used to run, not sure if I ever mentioned that. On the treadmill mind you but it was running and I did it almost every friggin day. I'd run and do walking tapes and the Tony Little elliptical gadget...I was pretty fit. Now..not so much. I would like someone though..I would.


Tomorrow I go back to the clinic. I have to get up at 5 to make it there by 7 and make it to work on sort of time. It's the only way to miss the rush hour traffic as if the roads were clear I could make it from here to NYC in probably 40 minutes...in traffic it took almost 2 friggin hours. I'm tired. I'm just physically and emotionally tired.

My father called again tonight..."take me home". "You are home dad". "I want to get out of here. Come pick me up. If you love me you'll pick me up. These people here are liars". And on and on this shit goes. It was already 10 o'clock and I didn't want to go out again. I promised I'd go tomorrow and we'll talk about it all. Shit. The lady who works the morning shift had to leave the country unexpectedly as her brother was killed, poor thing...brutally killed at that. The tenant in the apartment above my dad's killed himself this past weekend...can you imagine? He stabbed himself. All this crazy shit going on and I just need the world to pause for a minute so I can take a fucking nap...it's all too much.

Anyhow, that's that. K, one of the girls I met at IVF class is going for her retrieval in the morning. She's the oldest of us all at 43 but I bet it works for her. I think the one's with the least chance are me and R. Me because of my weight and R because her eggs blow. And I'm going to say that thing you're not supposed to say because it's what I feel and as selfish as it sounds..it's how I feel...selfish....Here goes and if you think less of me..I'm sorry..I hope I'm not the only one who ends up childless. I hope it's either we all have a baby or only some of us have a baby but not just me left behind. Fucked up and selfish but there it is...and I know I'd feel that way sans meds on the brain. Frick.

Food and Friends

My friend Jo-ann from work asked me to take her kid home after work as she had something going on in court (personal). I agreed. Her kid is an absolute doll...one of the sweetest children I've met in a long time.. I get to my apartment and soon after Jo-ann is done and she comes to pick the kid up...her voice is weird and she explains she has a cold but can't take anything just in case. Just in case what? She says, "you know". Shit. I think she is already but if she is she won't admit to it. Jeez.

Later I find myself unable to stop eating. Is it related? Maybe. Maybe a little. But the truth is I haven't been watching my food intake or rather I've been out of control with my food intake. I can't seem to stop myself and I'm not sure what to do. Each day I resolve not to stuff my face. Even as I'm stuffing my face I'm trying not to stuff my face...I stuff my face. It's not good. I feel terrible carrying around all this extra weight. I don't feel good about myself as a person but more importantly as a woman. It just seems hopeless. My therapist is not knowledgeable about any type of eating disorders..which I'm sorry is a little weird. She asked me what OA was...come on man, really and when I bring up the food she tells me to try low carb diet such and such..man it's not the diet..they all work if you can stick to it. It's the stick to it part..that's my problem here.

Anyhow, enough of my lip.

Back to the plan

Today I went back to the IVF clinic. Kay went with me at my request because I still wasn't comfortable with the commute into NYC...and the GPS goes crazy with all the bridges and tunnels..plus I wanted the company. Kay is my angel..I swear it. Anyhow..had blood drawn. Spoke to 2 people regarding the no period..they didn't seem that concerned. And last but definitely not least..attended the IVF class even though I'd already gone to one at the old clinic they made me do it again. I met 3 ladies there. One, the youngest who I instantly didn't like was 35 but she ended up being okay. I'm giving her all my old meds as she's paying for them out of pocket which is ridiculous. The second chick is 42 though initially said she was 41..I knew she had lied as I had looked at her DOB written on her folder...she is also using donor sperm. The third, and the one I know the least is also I believe in her 40's and has never tried anything. I emailed them all to just follow up and invited them to keep in touch. Going through the class brought back all of the old feelings of dealing with all the injections and the stress of all that crap but at least it distracted me from the stress of work.

Speaking of.. I asked Kay today if she though I was getting fired. I feel like I'm being set up..I really do. There is nowhere to turn though. My boss' boss is the County Exec who is planning to exit soon and really, who goes to the country exec to bitch. There's nowhere to go. The union can't help me. I don't know. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to just go with the flow and try not to obsess but the stress is ridiculously intense. I'm thinking of applying to a job, also with the government that is posted. It's about 40,000 less a year but it's not nothing.. Gonna look at it again tomorrow when I get to work and see if I qualify for the exam (all the jobs are by examination..civil service..), and go from there. I don't want a cut in pay but at this point the stress is ridiculous. I figure if it comes down to it I'll figure shit out.

I never called the guy back. Did I mention the guy? Not sure if I did or not but never called him. My feeling is if he wanted to reach me he would have called me in the evening when he knew I'd be home instead of just leaving messages during the work day...what the fuck is that? Anyhow, I chickened out because I'm now chickenish. My therapist said I'm stronger than I think but I think she's got it wrong. I think I'm weaker than she thinks...not weaker but more emotionally vulnerable. I feel at times I'm at the precipice of insanity.

Anyhow..I go off as usual. So I'm back on track for babyville. Hoping and praying which is all I can do. The rest is out of my hands.

Stolen Groove

I was on such a high on Monday and just feeling so serene on Tuesday, not even the bitches could steal my groove or so I thought. I went into work yesterday to find half my staff gone. Couldn't find a one from a particular section I supervise except for Kay. Go over to the administrative side of the building and there they are crowded into my bosses office to bitch about me. I'm cool, still handling it..no sweat. I speak to my boss afterwards who says there's nothing to talk about; that all their shit is petty shit. Okay but it's hurtful. One of the women in there is a "friend"...we've shared shit. I've given her a ride home before, counseled her through a divorce and the mental breakdown of her son. As a matter of fact, Tuesday she told me the whole story of what is going on with him at this point emphasizing how she can't share it with the others who don't get it. She was in there too. This woman is 20 years my senior. In fact, all these people are older than me. It hurt. The leader of the pack is the chick Patty, who went off on me at the end of November, had gone off again Tuesday night and managed to rile all these people up. My boss said, 2 of the staff admitted having no gripes with me and another had nothing in several years...they were all there to support Patty. It hurt. She continues with her abusive, mean spirited, insubordinate shit and nothing is done. I told my boss this but I may as well have spoken to myself and nothing continues to be done. Today after I had corrected an investigation she leaves me a printout of when to use a semi colon...this because I questioned her use of one. She constantly uses them incorrectly but it was just another snub from her. I went to speak to her and she proceeds to tell me she can't talk right now, cuts me off...same ol' shit. I called her nasty, abusive, and fresh as she stormed away from me. I wanted to deck her one and I know shit comes around but sometimes you wonder why it doesn't come immediately. The truth is, she is a very angry unhappy person because of her son. We've shared a lot about it because of D and the similarities in their outburst and issues as children. The biggest difference is that she's embarrassed by her child and my family would carry D on our shoulders tooting a trumpet we love D that much. Fucked up really. Well I lost my cool with her and cried hysterically in my office. I just can't take the abusive behavior anymore, the snubs, the bullshit when I have tried to be so supportive of not only her but all of my staff. It hurts really...so I let her steal my groove. So not the me I used to be. I'm more vulnerable now, not as tough... but it's just been too much. Life has kicked my ass and though I've tried to roll with the punches I'm scarred..I'm scarred and there's no amount of therapy can take it all away.

Kay said, Gem, you can't let them upset you. Not when you're going to try again. But it's easier said than done and I'm feeling particularly vulnerable especially with the situation with my dad. This new clinic requires a psych eval if you're using donor anything and I have mine scheduled for the end of January. Dude will probably think I'm out of my effin mind but if all this shit was going on in your life you'd be crazed too. Running my dad's business is also getting a little overwhelming and as crazy as she is, I'm thankful as hell for my mother who has been a great help. She ran the business for years and even with her dementia, half the shit is like breathing for her..she remembers and has tons of valuable connections, ideas, et cetera. Thank God. I do what I can and I'm getting good at negotiating deals but picture trying to do all that shit, learn all that shit, after you've worked a full day, and try to juggle visits to the nursing home and your own life, and bring a dog with you because you feel guilty that she's home all day alone...so she's been in people's businesses that aren't happy about it, nursing homes etc. Funny story with Tess; I take her to the nursing home, she starts barking at a nurse who runs by, my dad is all fucked up in the bed and his roommate is fast asleep. Tess' bark is high pitched so my dad's roommate yells out, "it's okay Herbie, daddy's home, Daddy's home..it's okay Herbie". All in his sleep. Funny. I guess you had to be there.

Anyhow, that's it. That's my life right now...Riding the highs and the lows and just trying to maintain.

The other half...of the pill that is

The other half of that old Valium finally went down the hatch tonight. That my brain doesn't literally explode surprises the shit out of me. Yesterday...late yesterday...I go over to my mom's and meet my sib who said they were taking D to Target to do some shopping..would I like to come along. Um..I've done like shit worth of Christmas shopping so uh, yeah! I get there, my sibs on the horn with the other sib...we've got nobody to watch my dad today, Teresa called out. When did she call out I ask? Last week. What? What!? and we're trying to figure this shit out the night before? Older sib gets a puss on when I suggest we take turns...arguing with other sib...I say, Hang up and call the day chick. The day chick so far, Rocks...kind, considerate, and will do anything no qualms. Sib is like, she can't do another day. I say just call her ass and see if she knows someone. I get my cell and call myself. She says she's calling a friend, what's the rate for the day, how long and she'll let me know in a few. Calls me back in half hour and it's covered. The anxiety that erupted in my chest over the shit...not so fast to go away.

Today I'm freaked as nobody seems to have any fire under their ass about moving my dad's shit, packing up, nothing. I speak to both sibs who say, "you think we need to start". WTF fellas really? I won't get into it..it's just stupid and long. We haven't packed shit. Younger sib says they'll meet me there tomorrow to pack. Neither know what I'm up to tomorrow so I tell them I'll call after "work".

Kay calls me tonight and I vomit my problems to her over the phone. I explain I cancelled my therapy session as I don't want to share tomorrow with anybody whether it's good or bad except for Kay of course who if I was a lesbian I would marry as she's just too good to me. Anyhow, she says, Gem, take the other half of that Valium, get some sleep tonight and try not to think about it. I decide to go ahead and take it and the anxiety has subsided. I'll sleep in a bit but wanted to just share this whatever this is, here, where I can say what I need.

I wonder at times when I'll find some peace...to have a baby I imagine you need some peace for that egg to want to hold onto. I don't remember a time where I had that. Always chaos in my life. Hoping for the best tomorrow but trying to prepare myself for the worst. Time will tell.

Coming to a head

The anxiety is at full swing folks as this week the shit is coming to a head...so I'll either be in pieces at the end or will see a ray of hope. I have my appointment this Monday with the new clinic and the new doctor. Did I mention I pulled up the stats on Sart.org and my regular clinics stats were ridiculously low...so low it's just not even worth mentioning. The shrink brought up the fact, and I do believe I'm repeating some info here, that stats depend on the info going in...in other words on who they actually accept and it may just be that my clinic takes everybody and this other clinic does not...hoping this isn't the case and they'll actually take me...well time will tell won't it. I feel like this year has been the ass kicker of ass kickers and it'd be great to end on a positive.

In other news, my father is still at the nursing home for longer than we expected as he had somewhat of a setback. He continues to hallucinate and be nowhere near normal mentally or physically. A devastation really and last night after picking up my sib from the bus stop they stated wanting to get to the bottom of it so that he can go back to normal. Go back to normal? Ummm, perhaps I've had the hope bitch slapped out of me but I said to them, Uh,,,I don't think he's going back to "normal". Not for nothing but..hello. I could be wrong. I hope I'm wrong. For D's sake and for his sake as he hates all of this shit and I hate it to but frankly, I'm not holding my breath. Aside from all this shit, the finances are going faster than you can say, whatthefuck? and my youngest sib, who is in charge of the finances is in shock. They had given a budget of $2K to fix the new apartment and I said, are you just accounting for materials? They thought I was nuts. I explained, having recently had a bathroom renovated this shit costs dough. Needless to say, $2k went on materials...we're waiting to hear how much the work turned out to be. Yes, we work ass backwards...work first price later..go figure. There's nothing that can be done about it but we are definitely raising every one's rent come next year. He may be discharged on Monday which worries me because there is no way I can help with that....waited over 2 months for this doctor's appointment but I won't even jump to any worrying as I've got enough in real life.

Work is work. I finally had the opportunity to speak to my boss about the shit going on in my unit. No reprimands for anybody of course....may be taken off of my staff list and put in a different unit which is fine. I'm just so done with the whole thing really. Just need my peace but need my ego to get out of Peace's way. I am well aware that my worrying is my own OCD shit and though I've never been diagnosed with that..thank God...every one's got a little of everything and it's crystal clear to me that work woes is a topic that I take too personally. I wish I could just go there, leave and blow shit off but it's like I'm constantly playing these old tapes in my head and I rewind the mothers and play them back...angry at the whole shit of it. Got to get over it really. Just trying to find a way. I've just been praying about it like Mattie tells me.

As far as my fairy Godmother I haven't visited her again and I feel terribly guilty but the truth is I have not had time for shit. My apartment is a mess and today, the first day I would have had some time, I found myself unable to get up off the couch dead asleep as I've been unable to catch enough zzzz's all week. I finally had time to dye my hair today and shave everything that needed shaving...tmi..sorry...and tomorrow I take care of plucking and bleaching whatever else needs to be done.

And that's it. I'm wiped. Just fucking wiped. Say a prayer for me this week whoever is out there as I'll need it. I'll need it and I've needed it as there are too many days where I feel I'm at the cusp of losing the shit.. Just losing my friggin mind or whatever is left of it.

Smoking....

I started smoking regularly when I was about 14 years old and I loved it..absolutely loved it, though towards the end, it scared the shit out of me. I officially quit smoking, oh I'd say about 3 or 4 years ago though in the past I'd occasionally have a drag when the shit hit the fan and I thought I couldn't deal with stuff. When you smoke, or when you're a smoker I should say, it gives you something definitive to do when you're stressed, upset, or otherwise unsure what to do with a particular emotion. For me it was always an alternative to eating and I admit it helped me lost weight when I tried to diet. Tonight, at a time where I would have liked to smoke I found myself eating mac and chees...I hate fucking mac and cheese and only had it in the house as Lexie loves it and she was watching Tess for me while I was away. I ate some, Tess ate some, and finally I tossed the shit realizing I was emotionally eating shit I didn't even like. Awesome. I haven't been to WW in about a month and I don't even want to go. It feels like it's not even helping to go and I feel like what would really help me is OA though why I haven't dragged my ass to a meeting is beyond. Well, the truth is, it's not exactly like my life has been anything but smooth but then again, whose life is?

I'm scared of my doctor's appointment with the new fertilility clinic. I think my weight is going to be an issue. And no matter how many times I say I'm going to lose some weight I continue to binge eat and try to assuage my feelings of whatever with food. It's my addiction and since I quit smoking it seems like I can't get a grasp on it at all. I'm constantly looking for that feeling of relief, the exhale out, the release of the tension, and no matter what I do it doesn't come. Part of me feels like maybe I'm self sabotaging, scared to live the life I've dreamt of dreaming. Who knows?

Smoking isn't going to help me with this one and I know they say when you quit one addiction you pick up another but in my case it's really that I picked up the pace on another one of my vices. What to do? I'm certainly not going to smoke again..that's out. I gotta find my way out of this one and I'm not sure how really. My therapist seems to have little to no experience with addiction of any kind so it's really not a resource. Gonna try to hit an OA meeting at least by next week. Will let you know if I make it.

Shit

I've been feeling more emotional lately. I actually broke down at the Korean food market in front of one of my sibs which is so unlike me I can't even tell you. My mom's old neighbor was there. She is like a grandmother to us or more to D really and I love her though I could probably do a better job showing it. She looks terrible. I looked at her and actually saw what she would like look in her casket; that's what she looked like. I broke down...I had trouble just speaking to her as it broke my heart too much really. I keep her savings in an account in my name and I just told her to stop saving any more money as she has too much in there (about 20K). She told me it's just in case something happens...code for in case I die. I told her it's more than enough for what she would need. She told me okay that she wouldn't put more away. Heartbreaking talk. Just heartbreaking. A kinder soul you'd never meet and she's been through too much in her life, lost her 3 little girls when they were all young...I don't know how she's not still howling at the moon in pain and agony really.

Today is my father's birthday. He is in the hospital. Also saddens me. He's not who he once was. It seems everyone is falling apart and pretty soon there'll be no family left except for the sibs as they're all just falling apart.

Looming in the background of all of this is my babies that don't exist. Yesterday someone came to my job with a 2 week old little baby who was just precious. The woman, who probably thought I was a complete loon, let me hold him. He was beyond sweet and I held him for as long as didn't appear crazy. She had 3 other kids and had stabbed the baby's father the day before. Awesome. This is my life. I get to see all the crack head criminals with their babies that they will ultimately introduce into the system, and I stand to the side and get bupkis. Awesome. But that's life I suppose and who the fuck am I?

So I'm feeling a bit sad and tomorrow I leave to visit my family and confirm my cousin's daughter in Puerto Rico. I'm half Puerto Rican on my mother's side. I'm there for 5 days with my older sib and with D. D is having a hard time with all of this and I'm scared of what will actually happen when my mom's neighbor dies (D calls them every morning) or when my father goes though I don't think my father will go in the immediate future, or when my mother goes as I have the feeling that she will go suddenly...just a hunch....what the frick do I know really?

I read a quote today about people not realizing that there's not that much time and it so resonated with me. My old therapist used to say that I was living the unlived life and though I don't completely agree with her it's haunted me always. The thing I keep thinking is that I spent so much time feeling shy, insecure, not good enough, not woman enough that I did neglect large parts of my life. The part where you throw some caution to the wind and try out some guys and the baby part. I should have done all of this when I was younger. Even now I don't try with men. It's the not feeling woman enough, or good enough. Mattie at work made me a feel a bit better this week. One of the guards at work has a crush on me and every time I see him he says something to me. He's gross btw. I tell Mattie and ask her if I'm being too pick and I know she'll shoot straight as she's from the complete hood and she says, "What!? You're out of his league. What is he thinking?" Made me feel better. Sometimes I worry that I've been too picky and hence ended up with nothing but in truth I think that the people who were interested in me weren't good enough and I knew it...except for asshole but asshole too really. Oh well. I could deal with no man, it's the no baby thing that is just killing me. Shit.

Anyhow, that's my life in a nutshell. Lexie will be staying with Tess here at the condo which I hope works out...hope Lexi loves Tess enough as she's used to a million hugs a day. I'm a typical insane dog owner but it's all I have really. So that's that. I'm hoping my trip is fun at least a little. Hope I get to sit by the hotel pool with a cocktail at least once. Just need a little peace...just a little.

Catching up

I've been hanging on in therapy. I was going to quit..as usual..but we've begun delving into some shit from the past and I think it's something I've needed to do for some time. We've talked about the abusive shit with my parents, which I frankly never considered that horrific, but when you verbalize crap it really wakes you up and makes you realize how crazy it really was. The therapist was shocked which frankly shocked me but there it is. She said something that was interesting to me as my mother, who spent countless years in therapy herself, always mentioned her therapist saying; I'm shocked you turned out so well. Sends chills down my spine that my therapist uttered these exact words. Anyhow, the past is the past and childhood for most people is traumatic, at least in my opinion. So I'm hanging in hoping to exorcise some of these demons from my soul.

I'm more settled with the aspect of taking care of my part of my father's business and though it's exhausting, I also find it somewhat fun. It's dealing with people, buying shit, negotiating..exhausting but it's good and I like the fact that I'm learning as I go along. I find though that the more settled with it that I become the more my thoughts return to the baby making thing. My therapist in a round about way pointed out that my chances of having a baby are not good and normally, I would make some witty sarcastic remark such as "Harvard, right"? but really, it's painful. I haven't given up hope but it's less and less as time goes by and it's this sick sinking feeling in my stomach...not good.

So this is the plan: Go to the appointment in December and see what the doctor at the new place says. If she takes me, I'll just go with what she says, asking first if IUI is even worth considering going back to and if not do the donor egg. If the chick who offered me the eggs has any left, I'll try those too. If whatever I do doesn't work, then I take a year off, get lap band and try to pay off as much of my egg donor shit as possible, lose as much as possible and get back on that horse next year. That's the plan for now. I'm not even ready for that plan but it is what it is. How I'll manage driving into the city for treatment if they accept me is beyond me but I've got a good amount of sick time and vacation time, about 4 months worth (yes hoarding time for my imaginary maternity leave) and we'll take it from there.

I just have to add that I'm sick of seeing baby shit, maternity shit, pregnancy shit, parenting shit, hearing people talk about their friggin kids...sick of it. It's like a knife to the chest each time or more like the eyeball or maybe it's a combo as it just makes me feel like howling at the moon and crying my eyes out and that's as good as a description of the feeling as I can get.

Catching up

My father is home with round the clock care and the compulsion to go there every day left me as soon as he was home. I'm glad. It was weird and in the time I spent with him after so many years of a distant relationship I learned several things: people love him. I mean people LOVVVVVVVE him. I should be so lucky in my life to have 1/10th of the people who love him love me. He's loved and has helped a ton of people...a legend in his community...impressive really. I also learned that he is all too human and I guess as his adult child that is something I didn't want to know. The truth is that obviously I knew he wasn't perfect...I mean I no longer have the father/daughter relationship and haven't for about 20 years now which is fine. But I learned more than I could deal with and it made me feel that I didn't want to hang with him any more.

I'm going to put this out there because well, it's the truth, this is anonymous, if anyone does find out my true identity they were just nosey assholes, and last but most importantly, the reason I started this blog, aside from putting down my journey was to be a healthier person...so here goes nothing..

When I started therapy with this new chick, the reason she got my attention was she made one observation; she basically said the reason I'm single is related to my relationship with my father. Am I comfortable with this thought? No. Is it probably true? Yes. My father was not a horrible person. He really wasn't. But he was definitely emotionally abusive in a household that needed no other type of abuse. We all went through a lot emotionally with him or, wait, I'll keep it in the "I" and say I feel like I went through a lot emotionally with him. Between the period of time where he refused to speak to us, his flip flopping on decisions and taking things promised away from us, and his affairs, it was ridiculously unbearable at times. Compared to my mother's emotional rollercoastering he was the more stable, believe it or not. There's more but I won't bore you with the woe is me tails. He did the best that he knew how or maybe he did what he though...the bottom line is it's over. My idea of men if it came from him was not good and spending all this time with him I found out a secret. He has a sexually transmitted disease. There. I said it. It disgusts me. The minute I found out it was like I was moving backwards at the speed of light away from him...the straw that broke the camels back. Too human, too gross, too not what a daughter wants to know about a father. My sibs seem fine with it or at least they don't say anything. Me, I'm like get the fuck out of here. I visited him this past weekend but I'm pretty much done working on the relationship trying to make it something it's not. I feel like this is as close as I want to be with him and it actually made me feel closer to my crazy ass mother. Made me feel bad for her. This was the love of her life. It brought back memories for me of his affairs and our semi-awareness...the way things only partially register in your brain as a child when you're lost in your own teeny tiny school world. I remember being at my parent's business and the phone ringing incessantly and the hang ups and how this went on for years. How he was having an affair with a woman who rented from us..all the shit that you really don't register until you're older and are triggered by something else. It was a crazy life when we were little...scary a little too. There was good and bad like everybody else but there are still a lot of scars from childhood that I know my siblings share. I guess most people have their lumps that never heal. It is what it is. It affected me and though I don't credit it for my immense fear of men (oh yes my friend and you thought you knew me) it definitely added to it...that and some other unfortunate experiences...

So there it is...another secret... another piece of my mind out there. Feels better out than in.  I can't always own all this shit by myself and I have to put it out there...just release some of the pressure from my brain. I haven't been able to tell anyone about my father's secret as it's too gross and blech!! Haven't been able to tell Kay or Diana or Z though I think I would feel comfortable telling both Diana and Z when I see them maybe. It feels good to just put it out there and hey, I know people have bigger and badder shit about their parents but to me it just was too much I suppose. 

On the baby front it's getting closer to the doctor's appointment and I worry that they won't accept me as a client because of my weight...Who knows. I guess time will tell. I have this adrenaline just course through me when I think of it; a nervous energy, anxiety maybe? Not sure. All I know is that it's uncomfortable and I hate it. I hate that this is so hard for me, that it's been so hard and though I realize I'm not the only one, it feels like it. It feels like I'm alone. It feels like I'm alone with this desperation in my heart. This feeling that this chapter in my life is closing all too quickly with no baby in sight.

today

My father came home yesterday from the nursing home. I have such mixed feelings about our relationship after all of this; shit that haunts me at night. It's so weird really. I had been going every day to visit him as I'd mentioned in an earlier post and today was the first day that I didn't. I feel okay about it. I've cried over his situation these past few weeks and that has been confusing; the feeling of sadness and I've tried to work this out in my head but really, it's just a little clear. I am not going to even begin to try and explain it as it would take too much effort to even try to sort it out in my mind let alone put it on paper. I'm okay with it...as confusing and uncomfortable with it as it feels I accept.

I spoke to the therapist chick last night. A little about the father thing, a little about the sibling thing, a little about the weight thing and a little about the baby thing. She said something to me that's hung with me all day today...she was talking about having seen a doctor who put her on a special diet and though she didn't need to lose weight she ended up losing weight...then she said "I lost a little but of course you have a lot to lose". She went on to try and give me tips on what to eat...she suggested...drum roll please....carrot sticks. Now, you see? This is what I love about therapist (not)...they try to be everything...and what I need is a therapist. I politely said to her as she went on about the carrot sticks, celery, and other such shit, that perhaps if I was going to get suggestions on food I should speak to a nutritionist...she agreed...holy shit is all I can say...man...amateurs! I continue to see her as she's making me think but she said something else that was telling...I mentioned OA and she said, "what's that", I said, Overeaters Anonymous, and she said, never heard of it....holy shit (did I say that already...yes, yes I believe I did) fuck. I'm going to take another angle next time...I'm going to talk about the feelings related to my eating rather than my eating...you know, the disease rather than the symptom..see if we get somewhere. ..*sigh*..

Speaking of...I haven't gone to see the Canadians since I began seeing this chick as Tuesday is this ladies only available day and the same day as OA and in truth it's probably better that I change meetings. I was doing nothing with these ladies but going through the motions and I want to try again to a better attended meeting, get a sponsor and really give it a shot...the problem is finding the time...but we'll have to try to work something out. I'm going back to WW on Sunday with D but it's not enough. I need something to kick my ass down the road to losing weight and deep inside I feel like it's a losing battle and really no pun intended...I mean how else do you express this. I just feel defeated.

My cousin called me today about being her daughter's confirmation sponsor this coming November which means I have to fly over to where they live (Island and no not in the states)...don't want to but can't say no and I already bought a dress as I knew the shit was coming. Oh well...there goes another thousand or so bucks and more stress.. I wonder sometimes if stress ever stops long enough for you to really catch your breath or if it's like one of those torture shits where they dunk your head over and over in the bucket and you just get quick gasps in between each dunk...at least that's how it feels sometimes...quick gasps and a bit more torture.

Anyhow that's what's up with today. All this shit flying through my brain and flying through my life and me just trying to take real quick steps to keep up with it all and not get tripped up by all the shit that brings me down...all the babies around me the pregnant bellies, the time flying by making me older bringing me further and further away from the babies I want...

Not as crazy as I thought

So as I explained, I got into a fight with the sib and walked out feeling crazy as hell. Couldn't sleep that night and all the next day at work was obsessing a bit over the things they said and I thought to myself, "If I were crazy would I really know it"? I know crazy...worked with the mentally ill a huge part of my adult life and alot of them don't know they're off, so why not me? So I go see the shrink lady last night...who better to ask if you were off your rocker...and she tells me, "Gem, the reason you feel crazy after talking to  your sib is because they are bipolar...they're in a state of mania...you don't see that?"...and I explain that my sib presents very well, it doesn't seem like they're manic..they seem so in control and she went on to explain this is the reason for the no shows and then the overcompensating, the taking charge and then the inability to do anything, and finally, finally, she said what I knew all along......Her need to imply to people that there is money is a form of Grandiosity....I knew it!!!!! I kept telling Kay that my sib was posturing for lack of a more precise way to name what they were doing...She said I'm not crazy and basically said the reason I snap people's heads off or part of the reason besides that I'm a pain in the fucking ass, is that I'm frustrated by the mental illness, dementia, and retardation around me...voila my friends, chick says I'm not crazy...I'm not sure if she's right but I'll take it.

Anyhow, aside from that we talked about the baby thing. She thought it was good that I wasn't doing anything until December as it gave me time to deal with this. She brought up the topic of adoption and listen, I'm all for it, but please let me have one of my own first...

So my hands are killing me but I'd like to write more ...unfortunately..hands win.

La Familia

I got a phone call yesterday when I was just about ready to leave for work from my younger sib saying that my father had fallen, could not get up and was taken by ambulance to the hospital and wouldn't I be good enough to meet him there as I was the closest and they lived too far? I proceeded to curse said sibling out (because I believe I mentioned I have some issues) and said that of course!! as it's always me!! and off I went to the hospital, calling out for the day. My father and I are not tight and I believe I mentioned we spent about 13 years not speaking, yup, count them, 13 years. Why you ask? As a child whenever my father was upset with one of us he would stop speaking to us...not for an hour, a few hours, a day, or even a few days...it would last for weeks, sometimes months, and I remember for one of my sibs for over a year. We used to have to beg him day after day to speak to us until he decided it was enough and then whenever he felt like it he'd speak. So sometime in my 20's when he stopped speaking to me (I was in the middle of working on my bachelors..hence the student loan as the check left with the speaking) I'd had enough and I told him, "you're not speaking to me? Well I'm not speaking to you either" and it was ON! He ignored me and I did the same...lasted 13 years until he called me at work sometime last year or thereabouts. Anyhow off I went to the hospital yesterday...resentful as all hell. My older sib called and said they would come and I told them forget it....at around noon they both showed up. I ended up getting home after 10 p.m. as they admitted him to the hospital and I again went to visit today leaving work early to accommodate him and not overly impact Tess, who I've spent too little time with as it is. Anyhow my sibling, who has mental health problems, was there and planning to stay the whole day...a glutton for punishment not to mention how it'll impact them mentally...my father can be mentally and emotionally abusive (surprised?).

While at the hospital I received a call from D's case worker who proceeded to tell me that the program D is in will require D to participate in individual therapy in order to participate in their work program because of the fact that it was so stressful for D last time. I politely (or at least as politely as possible) explained that I felt this was punitive, that it's always the person with mental health issues that has consequences for sub-par staff (yes I said this), and asked if the staff received consequences? She said she was going to be moved to a different position upon her return from maternity leave.....I say to her, "a promotion I bet" she said nothing....So fucking sick of this. Really am. I wish D didn't want to work and my sibs hadn't told D that in order to have a relationship D needed to have a job...Yes, they said this; healthy all around my family. There's a part of me that wants to walk away from all this shit...just leave them holding the bag. When I brought it up with my younger sib who overheard the conversation sib asks, what ever happened to your search for a therapist? This because the topic so stresses me out...Fuck you I want to say to this sib who has run away from any problem D has had, who has to pop a million pills a day to cope with life and still will disappear when the going gets rough...I may not be the most tactful, the most together, the most finessed, or stress free person, but I show up, I deal. I might break down but I step up when the shit hits the fan.  I want to tell them fuck you.

But instead I tell them I deal with my idiosyncrasies...and most shrinks are too crazy any ol' way which I believe is the truth.....I don't tell them about the shrink I started seeing as really it's none of their business.

I'm tired...I'm real tired. Tired of all the shit. If it all stopped tomorrow, it wouldn't be too soon. Just done.

Relief

I'm going to preface this entry by saying that if you're tired of hearing me gripe, groan, moan, and basically sitting in my shit, go read something else as I'm trying to work through my life here so ...

I went to see the therapist chick last Wednesday. She was nice, professional. Unfortunately she lacked the magic wand I was looking for. I'm going back Tuesday and to the disappointment of anybody who knows my last few attempts with therapy, it seems unlikely I will stick with this chick either. The thing is, or maybe the excuse is that, I'm looking for something not available on a therapeutic couch....relief. Relief from my obsessive baby thoughts, my feelings of despair, feeling overwhelmed, but most of all feeling like just giving fucking up. Just throwing caution to the fucking wind, getting lap band surgery, going back to smoking, paying off my debt, quitting my job and joining the circus where I can drink like a fish and not have any real responsibility except to become intoxicated to the point of oblivion from this pain in my heart that I can't seem to quell at all;  A feeling of utter hopelessness from ever feeling truly happy in this life. I told the therapist chick this...not in so many words as I made sure she didn't feel the need to call in the white jackets and the gist of what she said to me, other than the typical rephrasing of all my shit, was that it appears that I know what I want and it has all been well thought out and it appears that my biggest obstacle was the actual drive into the city (this was at the end of the session where they try to round up what was discussed) and I just needed to make the call and wrap my head around the drive there. Really? Really lady. I said, "it's more than the drive. It's much more than the drive. It's the whole thing, the drive is just a part of it"...as I walked out the door and realized that the most important part of that session had ended for her...the check was handed over and she felt like a genius. Therapy, in my opinion, is so much harder to get through when you've been trained to be a therapist. You know the cheap shit...rephrase...and the ending..the summation of the topics discussed...so when someone throws this amateur night at the Apollo shit at you...it's just hard to take them seriously. I just want someone to throw technique out the window and just really talk to me. Anyhow, I'm going back for the same reason I always go back, because I have to make sure I'm not throwing something valuable out the window...I'm double checking myself. How my last therapist, who I really loved, made the cut, I'm not sure. I think it was that she just listened. Really listened and didn't give me some cheap solution. She actually saved my ass as, if you think I'm in the funky dunk now, you ain't seen nothing. Truth be told last time it wasn't so much that I was in a funk, it was more that I had suffered a trauma and was literally, as I've described before in earlier posts, scared of my own shadow...would actually jump if I saw the slightest move out of the corner of my eye and she 'restored me back to sanity' as they say in the big book. Put humpty dumpty back together again, though really, I have never been the same again but at least I'm functioning, without pills and without shaking so hard I could barely contain myself. That's how bad I was last time; I would literally shake. So that's how it went with therapy, and though I can tell you more about past bad "therapeutic" experiences I won't but I will say this, when I was in school a professor used to always say, that we weren't looking to help people and that's not why we wanted to do therapy, we were there trying to resolve issues in our own lives. They recommended we all do therapy to resolve issues before we practiced and from experience, the professor was correct; craziest most maladjusted people I've ever met was working on my degree... but whateva...  Anyhow, I always tell people when they're looking for a shrink to be wary if they seem too crazy as they'll make you crazier and this my friends is partly why I'm squeamish of therapists...I'm crazy already and don't need your crazy or you making me more crazy..well, I suppose that's really just a part of it.

I digress as usual. So today I actually slept in and woke up at 10... I find that the longer I sleep the less thinking I have to do. I woke up made a complex tuna salad that was horrendous and ended up eating PB & J instead and have stayed quiet except for the fits of crying or telling Tess to hush it as I can't deal with her demands right now...guilt guilt guilt.. And just wondering where I go, what do I do to make myself feel better?  I don't know. It's the quiet that's killing me really...that sadness that makes you want to just curl inside yourself and become mute. That's where I'm at. And I keep looking for some relief and it's nothing that a cigarette, a cookie, or a glass of wine can seem to even begin to touch. I want to run, run, run and actually played with the idea of going to visit Ollie in Fla. but he's in the middle of a new relationship and really it's not what I need. I just feel like I need someone to help me but I can't seem to find that person. I'm looking something to assuage all these feelings and just give me some inner peace...some feeling of hope...a feeling that things will really get better, will become tolerable, will be worth living. Relief, relief, relief..that doesn't seem to come.

Nowhere to run

You ever have that feeling you wanted to just run out of your skin? Like it was just to tight and uncomfortable and you didn't know what to do with yourself? I had a cigarette...well, half a cig...and am on my second glass of wine...had 4, count them, 4, oreos....a Weight watchers ice cream bar and a lean cuisine...still in my skin, can't run from myself it seems. Even this, this outlet seems like it's not helping.

I went to an OA thing this morning and struggled to haul my ass out of bed at 8 a.m. on a Sunday. Usually, it wouldn't be such a biggie for me but I was tired from yesterday and just tired..I've been exhausted to the point of immobility. So I went and it ran from 9:30 until 1 but I stayed until 12...only because I became very uncomfortable. There was a speaker there who went contrary to what I know of OA saying that you really don't need a sponsor (not that I have one) and that you really don't need a food plan. That as long as you have a solid relationship with good normal eating will come and blah blah blah blah blah....listen, if I wanted religion I would have gone to church. I wasn't the only one having a hard time following this type of shit and get this...chick was heavy... Listen, at this point in my life, where I am today, I don't want to hear crazy talk. You're crazy, think you have magic powers...tell it to your shrink...I need to hang out with a crazy person like I need to gain 10 pounds...I'm already feeling nuts thank you...just leave me the fuck alone.  A guy there said what I felt and said... I don't come here for spirituality, I come here to lose weight and get healthy. What surprised me is the lady in front of me and the chick next to me both thought the chick had discovered the wheel...that is until everyone got a little crazy on the chick. Needless to say I hightailed it out of there but in retro I wish I had stayed. Why? Because the whole thing left a bad taste about OA in my mouth..no pun...and I wish I'd stayed long enough to have a different perspective. Oh well...that's my MO it seems...when the going gets uncomfortable, the uncomfortable get going.

Anyhow, that was it for the weekend. I am exhausted, still feel like shit, and on top of that misplaced my phone. I don't care though. Right now I feel like I don't care about anything. I just want to hide and sleep and cry and if it wasn't for Tess, and for D and for that little voice in my head propelling me forward, warning me that I can't let myself fall too deep into this funk, I'd give in to my urge and just sleep. Sleep, smoke, drink, and eat...that's what I'd like to do. But alas, tomorrow is a work day. Kay won't be in but that's okay as she's in a funk for no reason that I could see, and no reason she can see according to her but it's hard to be in a funk with someone else who is but can't locate why when I know exactly why I am and yet they keep comparing their situation to yours...

Enough. Letting the wine do too much talking. That's it for now. Looking forward to Wednesday (shrink) and really, I think I'm giving it too much weight really as she has no magic wand but I do hope she can help me. Just help me get my wits about me, get my bearings, and get my momentum to propel forward and stop crying.

While you wait

The anticipation of what I'll hear tomorrow is killing me and staying in the house all day isn't helping. I had nightmares last night of witnessing a stabbling, test driving a car (not a nightmare but strange), and lastly that Ling had been sitting Tess and that she'd gotten seriously hurt and I had to rush with her to the hospital with her guts hanging out. Tess is teeny tiny so you can only imagine my despair. So that was how I woke up to start my day, scared. I usually go spend time with my siblings on Sundays but when I texted to see what was up they told me they're leaving early to go back home. Sometimes I get so pissed at them as I'd wish they would consider me a little..consider telling me hey if you want to hang with us we're leaving early. I say us as they are a team...when they're together they don't think of me..it's only when the other person isn't available..painful but it is what it is and I have to accept as what real choice is there? There has always been a space between one or another of us. I don't include "D" as "D" really is our center of the universe..the reason we all see each other weekly. My older sib and I used to be super tight and the younger was the one who alienated themselves from us..never wanted to be with us only with their friends..beginning when they went away to college so it was me and the older sib..probably the least healthy of us all. Anyhow, the dynamics changed when the younger sib ended up in a psychiatric ward and the older wouldn't visit..too busy..showed me their true colors and I never forgot it. It was all compounded further when "D" had their crisis and the younger one, who promised to help would ignore my phone calls..I was left holding the bag not knowing where to turn..sounds simple but in reality it was smack in the middle of cancer and it was a crisis comparable to cancer...what do you do with someone who is dependant on a ton of meds when nobody wants to treat them...what do you do? What do you do when they're running out of meds and you don't know where to turn and everyone is refusing them help? Picture yourself sick and trying to cope with this by yourself while going to school and working full time. Not fun. Anyhow, I guess two things finished me off..when they told me I was having a nervous breakdown over the "incident" that happened at work and didn't want to talk to me about it anymore and I coulnd't stop crying..told me go get a shrink (which by the way I did and shrink told me I had PTSD..but yes, I'm "obsessive") and now of course when dealing with trying to get pregnant which they also are not interested in. Actually made the mistake of mentioning it to younger sib yesterday that I thought perhaps I wasn't able and they dismissed it saying well think about adoption..really? You can't even muster up, 'sorry to hear it' or 'why do you think that' or ask one fucking question? Okay, sorry my mistake. I only called you fifty times last week when you were having a meltdown over something being stolen from your car, making sure you were okay. Okay. Anyhow, all this shit is just eating at me today and really the real issue at hand is the question I keep asking myself if this pregnancy thing doesn't work out for me...where do I go from here? It's a sort of anger welling up inside of me..frustration, anger, desperation. I am having a little ole pity party for myself thinking, okay you can't have the thin gene, you aren't getting married, you belong to a crazy ass family, and no kids..? really? Hmmm...so what do I get here? Selfish and greedy huh? It could be worse..could have been poor, starving or a half wit.. I mean really, I could have been. But it still feels not right..I've really tried to be a good person in my life..at least for the first 30 years or so.Lived a life of service..always worked with the less fortunate and gave 101%.. Lately, I'm hanging on by a thread..praying praying but not really giving anything to anyone..feeling like I have nothing left really..just trying to hang onto myself and give a final go at making myself happy...trying for a last dream that I never thought possible..So I'm hoping tomorrow is good. Gotta lighten my mood to make it better put me in a positive more hopeful mood...a mood more in line with conceiving. I see the guy doctor tomorrow, did I mention? My chick is on vacation. Okay, well. Tess is barking and I look out to see the snow and the two little twin girls who live next door making their way inside with their mom. Too sweet.

Beyond the Irritables

When I was sick, and I've heard from others who've had the same type of cancer, I would get what I'd call, "the irritables". It felt as if I was going to crawl out of my skin and was just the most irritating sensation..it would get so bad that I couldn't interact with anyone as I'd bite their heads off. I'd lay in bed with a scrunchy pillow that I'd gotten as a gift while I was in the hospital, and I'd put the pillow between my knees and cry. Why between my knees? Who the heck knows but it's what felt the best..laying down on my side with my knees not touching..even as I write this I can clearly remember the sensation. Lately, I've been feeling something similar...it's not physical though, it's more emotional and it's all aimed at my mother and at myself. I've been eating and eating and eating trying to make those feelings go away but nothings been working. I think a part of it is due to the anticipation of starting the process of IVF again, and another part is genuine anger at my mother...anger I wish I could let go of. I pray each night for patience with her, for me to be a better daughter, kinder and more considerate. I think to myself Gem, she's getting old and this relationship isn't how you want it to be between you. But I swear when I'm with her it's all I can do not to grit my teeth and I know it's fucked up but it's what I feel and I hate myself for it.

Years ago, when I was a less disillusioned, more trusting person, I used to see these people who were so unhappy and I used to call them "people who suck lemons"; where you can see the unhappiness and disgust with life on their face; they'd walk around with a perpetual grimace looking as if they'd been handed shit on a stick their whole lives. I used to pray that I would never be one of these but I see myself sometimes in a mirror with an incessant frown pasted on my face and it scares me. I'm a lemon sucker! or becoming one..something that I never thought I could be. I used to be the person who always had a smile, a joke, and I felt I had a warm heart inside...I don't know where that person went or what killed her. There are just crumbs of my old self left and on that rare occasion when I spot what is the best part of me, I miss her. I miss how people felt about her and the feeling of everyone wanting to be with me. This person that I am today though, can't be around too many people, for too long, without snapping. I'm not sure when this changed or if it had to do with my sickness and what it did to me, or all the shit that I had to go through during my sickness and with the troubles with "D" and with nobody helping me. It was a very lonely desperate time for me. I was sick and had this other problem on my lap; a humongous, disgusting problem that I couldn't talk about and was trying to finish a masters and work, and get well. It was bad. And my mother had her head up her ass, and my siblings ran from the problem, and I couldn't reach them, I'd call them to ask them what we were going to do about "D" and they wouldn't take my calls..it was too hard for them..but not for me? It was bad; very fucking sad and very fucking bad and I spent months and months hanging on to my sanity by a thread and crying and not knowing where to turn. It worked out. I got well. "D"'s issues were addressed though it lopped a good 10 years right off the top of my life, and I "forgave" my family for leaving me alone to deal with all this shit. But you see, even as I write the word "forgave" I know that there is a part of me harboring that feeling of abandonment and I supposed after a while and countless times of feeling my family is not rooting for me, it has festered and become a resentment. It left me scarred..and work added to those scars. All issues that I would work out with a therapist..but even that is just irritating for me now..trying to find a therapist I can trust and trust that she isn't crazier than me. I started talking about this a little bit with the Canadians on Tuesdays. It helps a little though I have a tendency to ramble at times. Find myself feeling alone at times lately, and am hoping to spend some time this week with my fair Godmother. All things seem better after seeing her and I'm grateful. Grateful to have someone in my life who gives that to me.

Me without my hat

I went to weight watchers this morning only to find that it was closed for removations. The chick from work was there too along with a slew of other people who were directed to go to another Town...two seconds from where I just came from (home)..I decide I'll go shopping. Now, I had thought I might go shopping after ww and had planned to bring my hat and put that crap on in the bathroom after the meeting. Usually, if I go out during the day, I have a prop, a disguise of sorts. Some glasses, a hat, a hood, whatever..so of course..left the friggin hat at home. I'm at a home store looking at all the knick knack patty whacks feeling all to conspicuous and lo and behold I bump into one of "D"'s old staff members...someone who knows way too many secrets about my family..someone I'd rather not see. So I do the chit chat, the kiss, the b.s. b.s that accompanies this type of meeting..and feeling like shit, abandon my cart and make a beeline to the exit. I decide I'll go to the department store across the way..get through the traffic and it's mobbed...what are the chances I won't bump into someone I know? Zero to none...trek across the parking lot past the fucking baby store..and jump on the thruway home. Weird you think right? How I don't want to be seen? There are too many demons, not skeletons, demons in my closet. Things that haunt me and hurt me. It's nothing I've done per se but shit I've been through and all here in this tiny fucking place that I wish I could leave with way too many people that I know...too many. If you spend 1 hour out with me in public you would say holy shit Gem, how many friggin people do you know? A lot. A whole fucking lot and it's the good the bad and the ugly..a mixed lot from a mixed life and I hate it. Too sensitive you think? Yes, absolutely too sensitive..guilty.

I'm home. I think of going to the 12:30 meeting near me but don't want to..torn between two lovers really as I want to get the info packet they're giving out today regarding their new program. Going to go out with my other sister later (I think)..the other sister who I never hang with and of course with "D" as my mother is away and my other sib is half way around the world for work.

I saw the new therapist again this past Wednesday. I want to abandon ship but I'm not letting myself. Gonna try and stick it out...try not to be too sensitive...not sure this chick is equipped to deal with me. I've always believed that in order to develop a good therapeutic relationship the therapist has to be stronger than the client or at least the client has to have this impression. I can be an animal so this makes the search that much harder...I can be an animal but I'm hypersensitive so the combination is one that really kills me..we'll see what happens.

A fix for crazy in brief

I'm a big fan of the show, the Mentalist. If you've never watched it I'd say take a look when you get a chance. For a large part of my early life, I lived my life observing everything that went on around me. I was quiet to the extreme as I'm sure I mentioned at some point in this long story. I mention this because the main character figures shit out by just being super observant noticing shit you might not have paid any mind to...so interesting.. Anyhow, I digress...in one of the first shows the main character makes a comment that has stuck with me and I think about all too often, " a therapist is a disease posing as a cure"...I went to see the new therapist. She's bright which is good...she is a teensy bit judgmental and I don't think she's too keen on us having the same degree from the same University and knowing almost all of the same people. Every time I mentioned someone she would fill in their last name...hmmm...given it a chance. Gonna try and do the 10 first sessions allotted by my insurance and see what happens. I left there feeling worse than when I went in so that being said, at the first hint that I am regressing..it's all balls to the wall and I'm outta there but I have to give it a chance. It can't be that every therapist sucks..sometimes it's gotta be that I'm just super sensitive. The shit is, if you're therapist has issues..you're fucked. The number one thing I remember from grad school was a professor mentioning that all of us were studying to do therapy not because we wanted to help people but because of our own issues that needed to be resolved. I totally agree though I'm sure most therapist might not..but the truth is, most of the therapists I've met are fucked in the head. It's like the fact that the majority of drug counselors have a history...coincidence? don't thin so..crazy fixers have their own experiences as well. So I tread carefully.

BTW, the friggin antenna up my crotch..bitch and a half...just thought I'd mention it.