I called out today. Why? Because frankly, I didn't want to go in. I'm tired of hearing people griping, and on top of that there was a case in court today that I didn't want to attend...shit happens. I felt guilty for a minute and then I said fuck it. All the bitches call out left and right and today, I did it. I used to say I hardly ever call out sick but I don't know how true that is anymore. I probably call out, maybe every 3-4 months...maybe 3 or 4 times a year...for me this is a lot. Who cares. The bottom line is my body is killing me (all joints..thank you very much) and I don't want to hear Kay whining or put up with anybody's attitude. Love Kay, don't love anybody else there really but enough is enough...they're getting on my nerves so I stayed home...yes, though I'm trying not to, I feel a bit, just a teeny bit of guilt. I know tomorrow I'll be facing the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune because of it, especially from the girl I was supposed to go to court with but it's not my case...it's hers but she's being a complete chicken shit and needs to just take care of her own shit. That's it. BTW, no I'm not an attorney...blech.
I slept until 11 which I've only done twice in the past maybe 4 years as I don't ever sleep in...ever..but today, I had to do it, I was tired, Tess was feeling cuddly, and I didn't want to face my thoughts. But really, I've been trying to stop pushing myself so hard. I sleep too little, end up doing too much during the day and then can't function for the evening portion of my days..the time that's most important as it's the part I actually enjoy the most. I spent a large part of the beginning of the day watching those baby shows on TV...bringing home baby or whatever they're called. I love watching them though I cry at the end of each one like a total fool. If I had t-vo or whatever it's called, it'd totally be on my list...for now I only enjoy it on those days I'm off.
I logged onto JCP.com and found that they no longer has a plus size maternity section...mothereffers... Pissed as they had the most normal looking clothes of all the sites...who knows if I'll ever need it but I'm a planner... Anyhow, watching those shows today makes me both hopeful and feeling a sense of desperation. A feeling like it'd be great to have a baby but also brings home the realization that it just might not happen. One couple, same sex, had a round of triplets and then were now going in for their twins...it was awesome but not something I'd particularly want. Two would be my limit I think. Anyhow, enough babble, Just wanted to touch base.
Showing posts with label maternity clothes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label maternity clothes. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
Dreaming
I had several nightmares last night..real nightmares with monsters and the like. The last thing I remember hearing was my sibling saying to me, you know what that symbol around your neck means don't you? Referring to the new turtle necklace that I'm wearing. My coworker Lexi, told me how in her culture a turtle represents fertility and her mom told me I should find one and wear it at all times and didn't I go to Kohls and find about 5 different pendants with a turtle on it? Coincidence? I think not. Anyhow, I haven't written in a bit and I guess I just needed time to get my brains back together and I can't say I'm there yet but I'm trying. The weekend was particularly difficult. I spent about 15 minutes talking to a visibly pregnant person I was introduced to...all of 23 years old and you know what, really, I think that's about how old you really probably are supposed to be when you start trying..for your body to be most receptive so who the heck am I to judge and I didn't. Not like I normally would anyway. I don't see young people who are pregnant as a disgrace, or a person making a detrimental mistake in their lives..I feel, if anything, people like me, who wait for the career and that elusive prince Charming, are perhaps the fools. Someone should tell you, Hey, he sometimes doesn't make it and don't wait til the last minute and girl, you don't need to have a man..you can be your own woman! But alas, that's not how life is so here I am on the cusp of 40-fucking-one trying to have a baby and desperately hoping that I can just squeeze one out..that I'm wrong in thinking that I did in fact wait just a bit too long. Someone, Oprah or whoever the fuck, should have done a show at some point saying girls, those actresses having babies at 46: they are using donor eggs my friends- so don't think scientist have a magic wand..the eggs do not stay fresh forever! Nobody ever says that...I don't understand why that is. I have a sister who still believes it's possible to have babies older..even though I've explained that the doctor says after 43 it's near to impossible..I say near because there is always that freak occurrence but people seem to think you go to a fertility specialist, and voila! Poof!! they can get it done. I thought this myself..you live and learn. So I just wanted to touch base after once again perusing the online plus size maternity sections in the stores that have them and planning my imaginary wardrobe if it were to ever happen. Dreaming as usual. I have to keep dreaming as it'd be too painful to face the other..the thought that it won't happen. I told myself I'd spend up to 30k of my own money, not including sperm..after my insurance runs out. I think this is about the price of a decent car and something that I would regret not doing..not taking every opportunity to do. I spoke to someone today about how it works that I can borrow against my pension and it's fairly easy so...
Anyhow, that's the plan..I'll keep trying until I cap at 30k or my doctor tells me to stop. Until then..I dream.
Anyhow, that's the plan..I'll keep trying until I cap at 30k or my doctor tells me to stop. Until then..I dream.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Food
So this new food plan I'm trying is sort of kicking my ass and sort of getting me in line. This feels very similar to when I quit smoking two years ago and you get that irritable feeling where you know if you just took one hit of a smoke you'd be okay. I sort of changed the food plan slightly only because my body can't tolerate the quantity of vegetables it's suggesting and I wouldn't be able to make it through the work day comfortably.
This is what I had today:
Breakfast:1 C. of fiber cereal dry with one hard boiled egg.
Lunch: 3oz of fish with 1/3 cup of brown rice and 1/2 cup spinach (this was lunch and it was not good).
(I was supposed to have a fruit with breakfast but knew I couldn't tolerate it so ate this around 11 a.m.:1/2 C apple sauce, with 1 cheese stick)
coffee at 5:30 (a total no-no)
Dinner: 1-1/2 C cereal with skim milk, and hard boiled egg. 1 apple
This isn't exactly the OA food plan but it's semi close and though it didn't leave me full it was tolerable.
I had initially bought larger quantities of lunch with me but gave half to my office mate.
I have an office mate. I'm the only person in my department who shares an office, though this was at my request. We have two people who work with us from outside agencies on a temporary basis (1 to 2 years). They are both older folks in their 60's who do light work. I was lucky enough to be assigned one. Her name is Mattie, though I call her Ms. Mattie and as you may have guessed, she's from the South which I find charming. She is not, however, you're typical southern granny or anything like that. She is (though only I know this) a recovering crack addict with over 20 years of clean time. She went to my first OA meeting with me and though I recognize she's not 100% legit, she's been both good to me and good for me. She was one of the things that helped pick me up when I wasn't right. I'm a firm believer in the cliche that there are no coincidences in life, and Ms. Mattie came into my life for a reason. Whenever she's there (she calls out a lot), I'm less likely to slip and try and make conversation with one of the crazies at work or find myself in a tangle of words with someone. It gives me company that's non-threatening. She's also hilarious as she witnesses the shit the goes on, stays quiet throughout and then gives me the look or makes a little comment like.."okay!"..Because she only works for me and is only exposed in small quantities to the craziness, it's hilarious when she's witness to it, and she'll ask me, "did you hear what she said" or "are you gonna tolerate that"...very funny...she doesn't get that if you are a state worker it's almost impossible to get fired so yes, they can say that to me..
Anyway, Ms. Mattie helped me too. She witnessed madness and because she's in recovery, helped me with the 'letting go, letting God' thing. She also said I opened her eyes to her situation too and agrees with me that we came together for a reason. She's raising a grandchild and at times her judgment is not good. As is often the case with addiction, it runs in families and Ms. Mattie unhappily has custody of a grandchild with a learning disability.When I first met her she'd only had her for a short time and would say very negative things. We talked about the situation at length and several months later she told me that during one of the conversations I said something that shook her. She said I told her "poor thing, it must be hard to not really be wanted anywhere and know it". She said she never thought of her granddaughter feeling this and had only thought of herself. So we talk shit through and help each other out when we can. I have two complaints about Ms. Mattie though: she brings in stinky food and she wears a lotion that smells like over ripe fruit that a cousin of hers makes at home. I've given her several lotions and potions in the hope she'll switch off but nope...Oh well, small price to pay. She's one of my people. She doesn't really help much when it comes to work but she does sort my huge piles of mail and she also keeps me good company.
I have two other "people" at work. My friend Kay, who is a doll but has some OCD and my friend Jo-ann who everyone refers to as 'Crazy Jo-ann'. Jo-ann aint crazy...Jo-ann had one of the most horrific cases of child abuse I have ever heard of in my life, both physical, and sexual abuse. She acts crazy to keep people away and boy does it work. We became good friends, not only because she got me the connection for this job, but because I called her on her defense mechanism and she asked me how I knew. We've been tight ever since and boy is she a character but underneath it all, she's the sweetest most harmless person you could ever want to meet, and smart as anything. Whenever she asks me if I think she's crazy I tell her, "yeah, like a fox" because that really is the situation with her. Love her and love Kay. Kay is a little different. Where Jo-ann is wild like the wind, Kay is straitlaced and somewhat uptight. She is definitely, no exaggeration, a glass nowhere near full, kind of person. If she won lotto, she'd complain about the ride to the bank to cash the check, but aside from that (which can be annoying at times) she's as good as they get. Kay came to the hospital every single day when I was in the isolation room for cancer treatment. She'd bring me plastic bags to put the hospital food in as once it was in the room it couldn't leave, and they'd slide it across the floor every day while I yelled no! but that shit would come in to stink up my room while I was fighting nausea and once it was in, I was stuck with it. So Kay would bring me tons of bags to wrap it up so the stink wouldn't be so bad. She also has never betrayed me at work and she's the only person from work that I go out with outside of work. I trust her with my life and I believe the feeling is mutual. She is the only person at work that manages to stay away from everyone..she just refuses to deal with them. I find her ability to manage this fascinating.
Work today was surprisingly okay. My meanest chick called out sick (woo hoo! more work for me but who gives a shit), second runner up had the day off, and the Queen B (boss) was out in a meeting all day. So it was an unexpectedly low key day. Just as a side note, I hardly ever see my boss any more. All communication is via email. I avoid her and I believe she avoids me as well. The less contact we have the better. When she first became the boss she tried having supervision meetings with me but I think she felt uncomfortable. See I had caught her in a pack of lies and a game of manipulation and I let her know it. Yeah, she has good reason to dislike me but that's me; the repercussions might kill me, but I'll let you know when you're lying/ being sheisty. Believe it or not my old boss, before this chick, loved me. Loved me so much she changed the regs to be able to get me into this job title that I have now..loved me and I really liked her too and though the people we worked with were still animals, it makes a big difference to have a boss who's legit when you're getting clobbered, than to have a sheisty one who won't back you up. If you'd of told me two years ago that this was how things would turn out I wouldn't have believed it.
Anyhow enough about all that craziness. I did something that is probably a little crazy but once in a while I like to indulge my nutty side (well, maybe more often than I should). I ordered a maternity top. It was on clearance from the Gap online ($14!) and I got it in the mail yesterday. I know it's premature but one can dream a little..it's not like I bought baby clothes or anything and anyhow I tried it on and I can totally get away with it as a regular big winter top...the long and the short..who cares...made me feel good and it's like my little secret. My family has no idea I'm trying to get PG and the other day I was going to tell my older sister and then I said you know what Gem, rather than have them shit all over your little moment of happiness, just wait til you're PG to say it and I think that was a smart move. I have 2 sisters and a brother. One of my sibs is severely mentally disabled and much younger than the rest of us but the other two have never been married or had children either. I call this the Ralat curse..All of us wanted the whole picture but for whatever reason none of us got it and my oldest sister really wanted it but wouldn't consider having a child without a man. Any time I brought up wanting to do it alone she wouldn't say anything back so I thought to myself, rather than get my feelings hurt or have her say some little green monster comment, I'll keep it to myself unless absolutely necessary. Unlike me they don't live close by, though my sister comes to help with my disabled sib often. We all kind of share the responsibility. Both of my parents are alive though divorced and live within 2 blocks of each other but my mom has early dementia and my father and I just started to get our relationship back in order which is a relief I tell you. My dad has legal blindness and plus they're super old so can't really help as much with the sick sib. BTW my sick sib is very adorable and I don't resent caring for them at all though at times it's been extremely trying as they are extremely oppositional and head strong...they're adopted and I swear it's chopped a good 10 years off all of our lives but it has also given us a reason for being. My father, who at times can be so introspective, recently made the comment that "D" has been our baby all these years and that is so true....he's been our surrogate child.
.
This is what I had today:
Breakfast:1 C. of fiber cereal dry with one hard boiled egg.
Lunch: 3oz of fish with 1/3 cup of brown rice and 1/2 cup spinach (this was lunch and it was not good).
(I was supposed to have a fruit with breakfast but knew I couldn't tolerate it so ate this around 11 a.m.:1/2 C apple sauce, with 1 cheese stick)
coffee at 5:30 (a total no-no)
Dinner: 1-1/2 C cereal with skim milk, and hard boiled egg. 1 apple
This isn't exactly the OA food plan but it's semi close and though it didn't leave me full it was tolerable.
I had initially bought larger quantities of lunch with me but gave half to my office mate.
I have an office mate. I'm the only person in my department who shares an office, though this was at my request. We have two people who work with us from outside agencies on a temporary basis (1 to 2 years). They are both older folks in their 60's who do light work. I was lucky enough to be assigned one. Her name is Mattie, though I call her Ms. Mattie and as you may have guessed, she's from the South which I find charming. She is not, however, you're typical southern granny or anything like that. She is (though only I know this) a recovering crack addict with over 20 years of clean time. She went to my first OA meeting with me and though I recognize she's not 100% legit, she's been both good to me and good for me. She was one of the things that helped pick me up when I wasn't right. I'm a firm believer in the cliche that there are no coincidences in life, and Ms. Mattie came into my life for a reason. Whenever she's there (she calls out a lot), I'm less likely to slip and try and make conversation with one of the crazies at work or find myself in a tangle of words with someone. It gives me company that's non-threatening. She's also hilarious as she witnesses the shit the goes on, stays quiet throughout and then gives me the look or makes a little comment like.."okay!"..Because she only works for me and is only exposed in small quantities to the craziness, it's hilarious when she's witness to it, and she'll ask me, "did you hear what she said" or "are you gonna tolerate that"...very funny...she doesn't get that if you are a state worker it's almost impossible to get fired so yes, they can say that to me..
Anyway, Ms. Mattie helped me too. She witnessed madness and because she's in recovery, helped me with the 'letting go, letting God' thing. She also said I opened her eyes to her situation too and agrees with me that we came together for a reason. She's raising a grandchild and at times her judgment is not good. As is often the case with addiction, it runs in families and Ms. Mattie unhappily has custody of a grandchild with a learning disability.When I first met her she'd only had her for a short time and would say very negative things. We talked about the situation at length and several months later she told me that during one of the conversations I said something that shook her. She said I told her "poor thing, it must be hard to not really be wanted anywhere and know it". She said she never thought of her granddaughter feeling this and had only thought of herself. So we talk shit through and help each other out when we can. I have two complaints about Ms. Mattie though: she brings in stinky food and she wears a lotion that smells like over ripe fruit that a cousin of hers makes at home. I've given her several lotions and potions in the hope she'll switch off but nope...Oh well, small price to pay. She's one of my people. She doesn't really help much when it comes to work but she does sort my huge piles of mail and she also keeps me good company.
I have two other "people" at work. My friend Kay, who is a doll but has some OCD and my friend Jo-ann who everyone refers to as 'Crazy Jo-ann'. Jo-ann aint crazy...Jo-ann had one of the most horrific cases of child abuse I have ever heard of in my life, both physical, and sexual abuse. She acts crazy to keep people away and boy does it work. We became good friends, not only because she got me the connection for this job, but because I called her on her defense mechanism and she asked me how I knew. We've been tight ever since and boy is she a character but underneath it all, she's the sweetest most harmless person you could ever want to meet, and smart as anything. Whenever she asks me if I think she's crazy I tell her, "yeah, like a fox" because that really is the situation with her. Love her and love Kay. Kay is a little different. Where Jo-ann is wild like the wind, Kay is straitlaced and somewhat uptight. She is definitely, no exaggeration, a glass nowhere near full, kind of person. If she won lotto, she'd complain about the ride to the bank to cash the check, but aside from that (which can be annoying at times) she's as good as they get. Kay came to the hospital every single day when I was in the isolation room for cancer treatment. She'd bring me plastic bags to put the hospital food in as once it was in the room it couldn't leave, and they'd slide it across the floor every day while I yelled no! but that shit would come in to stink up my room while I was fighting nausea and once it was in, I was stuck with it. So Kay would bring me tons of bags to wrap it up so the stink wouldn't be so bad. She also has never betrayed me at work and she's the only person from work that I go out with outside of work. I trust her with my life and I believe the feeling is mutual. She is the only person at work that manages to stay away from everyone..she just refuses to deal with them. I find her ability to manage this fascinating.
Work today was surprisingly okay. My meanest chick called out sick (woo hoo! more work for me but who gives a shit), second runner up had the day off, and the Queen B (boss) was out in a meeting all day. So it was an unexpectedly low key day. Just as a side note, I hardly ever see my boss any more. All communication is via email. I avoid her and I believe she avoids me as well. The less contact we have the better. When she first became the boss she tried having supervision meetings with me but I think she felt uncomfortable. See I had caught her in a pack of lies and a game of manipulation and I let her know it. Yeah, she has good reason to dislike me but that's me; the repercussions might kill me, but I'll let you know when you're lying/ being sheisty. Believe it or not my old boss, before this chick, loved me. Loved me so much she changed the regs to be able to get me into this job title that I have now..loved me and I really liked her too and though the people we worked with were still animals, it makes a big difference to have a boss who's legit when you're getting clobbered, than to have a sheisty one who won't back you up. If you'd of told me two years ago that this was how things would turn out I wouldn't have believed it.
Anyhow enough about all that craziness. I did something that is probably a little crazy but once in a while I like to indulge my nutty side (well, maybe more often than I should). I ordered a maternity top. It was on clearance from the Gap online ($14!) and I got it in the mail yesterday. I know it's premature but one can dream a little..it's not like I bought baby clothes or anything and anyhow I tried it on and I can totally get away with it as a regular big winter top...the long and the short..who cares...made me feel good and it's like my little secret. My family has no idea I'm trying to get PG and the other day I was going to tell my older sister and then I said you know what Gem, rather than have them shit all over your little moment of happiness, just wait til you're PG to say it and I think that was a smart move. I have 2 sisters and a brother. One of my sibs is severely mentally disabled and much younger than the rest of us but the other two have never been married or had children either. I call this the Ralat curse..All of us wanted the whole picture but for whatever reason none of us got it and my oldest sister really wanted it but wouldn't consider having a child without a man. Any time I brought up wanting to do it alone she wouldn't say anything back so I thought to myself, rather than get my feelings hurt or have her say some little green monster comment, I'll keep it to myself unless absolutely necessary. Unlike me they don't live close by, though my sister comes to help with my disabled sib often. We all kind of share the responsibility. Both of my parents are alive though divorced and live within 2 blocks of each other but my mom has early dementia and my father and I just started to get our relationship back in order which is a relief I tell you. My dad has legal blindness and plus they're super old so can't really help as much with the sick sib. BTW my sick sib is very adorable and I don't resent caring for them at all though at times it's been extremely trying as they are extremely oppositional and head strong...they're adopted and I swear it's chopped a good 10 years off all of our lives but it has also given us a reason for being. My father, who at times can be so introspective, recently made the comment that "D" has been our baby all these years and that is so true....he's been our surrogate child.
.
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