Someday(s) are harder than others...

It's been a while and in truth I wasn't sure I'd come back but alas here I am with my heart full of emotions just spilling out of me. Right now really I'm just feeling tired; tired and depressed if truth be told. They say the fastest way to clear out a room is to put someone who's depressed in it. Alas, I really don't have to worry about that as few people come here but me and the crazies that lie within me.

Anyhow, where to begin. Really so many things have happened and by the same token nothing. There was an investigation at D's program after D reported that my mom hit them...it was not good. The police were called and I thought I was going to have a stroke. The police refused to investigate... This was so troubling for me on so many levels. First off I felt like I was torn between two lovers; I thought at this point my mother should know better but was caught up in feeling bad for her as she was freaked. The program suggested I press charges...Oh okay...right. D wasn't hurt except for the emotional aspect of it all and I pointed out to the program that this is about the 5th year that goes by without a residential placement for D that I've been requesting as my mother isn't able to properly care for D...hello people. Anyway, long story short, exhausting, almost had a heart attack complete with taking an anti anxiety pill for my heart palpitations and of course nothing came of it and in truth...THANK GOD!!! Nothing like an arrest for a mother who is not only a snob but also suffering from dementia....I would say more about it and try and take side but the truth is...for what? I'm clinging, clinging, to my sanity and reason so I can't take on any more.

My father is in the hospital again....not good. We've also been having problems with both my mother and father's business so I spent most of this morning with my mother in court. Now, if I was ever suicidal I'd spend the whole day with her and I'd surely die of frustration...she is beyond difficult. My plan had been to go to court and go to work afterwards but I found myself unraveling as I drove my mother home so instead I called out, bought myself something to eat, and came home. I then went to the hospital for a little while and then picked up my sib from the bus stop.

I decided to write, or more accurately, what propelled me to write, was my obsession with P face and Asshole which hasn't surfaced in a while but tonight while doing a google search I found out they had a little girl. You want to kill me Universe?! It just wrenched a hole in my heart. I guess a part of me feels that is the life I wish I was living and he's the one that got away and it's my fault because I didn't have the courage or so it seems to make it happen. That's the crazy me talking. The realistic me realizes that it would have never worked as I would have had to be the man and take the reins and that's just not my style and furthermore the dude was immature and in the end we would have been two fatties eating our way through life. His wife seems much more motivated to do shit, make shit happen, and take the bull by the horns...she's also much younger than myself...good for you Asshole (ha...)..! Oh well. That's the healthy me...not really that healthy but better than nothing. The bottom line is I realize perhaps a little late in the game that I want love, I want a man in my life....maybe not a husband but something like it....a support where I have his back and he's got mine and we're a fucking team who kicks ass together and gets through shit together and maybe it's all just a fairy tale we're sold and the actual relationship might be harder than I imagine but I want to have love in my life and that's that.

Speaking of healthy vs. unhealthy me, last week I went to go see the shrink lady and we had a serious talk about why I thought I was nuts. She said to me (again as I seem to be hard to convince), Gem, you are not crazy. Your family is crazy, the shit you  go through is ridiculously difficult and overwhelming and anybody would feel crazy having to take care of all of that. I felt better leaving. Still not 100% convince but I don't think I ever will be. You know, when the whole hitting thing happened with D it kind of shocked me but it didn't. I was hit growing up and really most of my friends were. Truth be told I'm not against corporal punishment but there is a time and a place and I don't believe in hitting when you are out of control. A spanking yes, absolutely, hot wild going crazy no wire hangers shit...no. I've had the no wire hangers shit many times...all of my siblings except for D have...shit happens and believe me that didn't stay with me as much as some of the emotional shit that haunts me til this day. It's funny that my mother was the big hitter though it's my father who caused the most emotional scars and he prided himself on never hitting the kids....my father really did a trip on me and it'll never be resolved. I told this to the shrink lady how this will never be resolved between us; not because he can no longer carry a conversation but because we never had a relationship where we could talk...neither one of my parents did with any of us though I'm sure that's the case for a lot of people. Kay at work talk to her mom every day...and used to speak to her dad every day too until his dementia got too bad. They have what she calls an awesome relationship and I hope, if I ever have children, to have even half the relationship she has with her mother. The shrink lady and I spoke about this...about how I worried that I might not as I have no personal frame of reference of a tight relationship with a parent. I don't know if she was blowing smoke up my ass but she said the fact that it was a goal and something I was striving for would set me on the right path....made me feel better.

Anyhow, there is apparently no rest for the weary as I'm on call and just got a call from the local police...
Will try to document more often...if for no other reason than it's a rare day that I blog and don't feel better after. It really is more of a personal journal than a blog but oh well.....

I'm a Wuss now..sh#$

I've turned into such a chicken shit I can't even stand my sniveling self anymore. I'm freaked out at work and feeling anxious left and right. I'm super freaked about this upcoming IVF thing and even just waiting for my period (due tomorrow) is totally stressing me out, even though it's not this round I'm doing, but next round....freaked, freaked, freaked. I have to call them though the day I get my period this cycle..why? I don't know..I'm just too freaked to really think shit out. And last but not least...I'm freaked that this guy that is supposedly interested in me is calling me...at least I think it's him as someone, with his same last name, left a quick message yesterday on my machine telling me to call him but not saying why. Supposedly this dude met me at work though he was not a client and of course I can't remember him for shit because that is how I roll...I never remember anybody...just meet wayy too many people. Kay doesn't remember him either. Who the fuck knows..but I'm freaked. I feel like shit about my body and I can't go out with anybody like this. Aside from that I'm in the middle of trying to make a baby... He's actually the same mix I am and works in a sort of similar field.. If he was the one that left the message, he has a slight accent...not really my thing but who the freak am I really.

Anyhow, I'm trying to be calm as I know I have to be for this upcoming cycle but I have too many fires going at the same time and the stress is just ridiculous... Mattie tells me to pray about it and I try to pray but I'm distracted by my own thoughts..craziness really.

Any ol' way, I can't write as my hands are killing me. Wanted to just touch base and catch up, let go of some of these thoughts here on these pages.

Trying to stay cautiously hopeful about the next few months. I'm scared as it's more hopeful than cautious and I can't have another broken heart this year...

Catching up

My father is home with round the clock care and the compulsion to go there every day left me as soon as he was home. I'm glad. It was weird and in the time I spent with him after so many years of a distant relationship I learned several things: people love him. I mean people LOVVVVVVVE him. I should be so lucky in my life to have 1/10th of the people who love him love me. He's loved and has helped a ton of people...a legend in his community...impressive really. I also learned that he is all too human and I guess as his adult child that is something I didn't want to know. The truth is that obviously I knew he wasn't perfect...I mean I no longer have the father/daughter relationship and haven't for about 20 years now which is fine. But I learned more than I could deal with and it made me feel that I didn't want to hang with him any more.

I'm going to put this out there because well, it's the truth, this is anonymous, if anyone does find out my true identity they were just nosey assholes, and last but most importantly, the reason I started this blog, aside from putting down my journey was to be a healthier person...so here goes nothing..

When I started therapy with this new chick, the reason she got my attention was she made one observation; she basically said the reason I'm single is related to my relationship with my father. Am I comfortable with this thought? No. Is it probably true? Yes. My father was not a horrible person. He really wasn't. But he was definitely emotionally abusive in a household that needed no other type of abuse. We all went through a lot emotionally with him or, wait, I'll keep it in the "I" and say I feel like I went through a lot emotionally with him. Between the period of time where he refused to speak to us, his flip flopping on decisions and taking things promised away from us, and his affairs, it was ridiculously unbearable at times. Compared to my mother's emotional rollercoastering he was the more stable, believe it or not. There's more but I won't bore you with the woe is me tails. He did the best that he knew how or maybe he did what he though...the bottom line is it's over. My idea of men if it came from him was not good and spending all this time with him I found out a secret. He has a sexually transmitted disease. There. I said it. It disgusts me. The minute I found out it was like I was moving backwards at the speed of light away from him...the straw that broke the camels back. Too human, too gross, too not what a daughter wants to know about a father. My sibs seem fine with it or at least they don't say anything. Me, I'm like get the fuck out of here. I visited him this past weekend but I'm pretty much done working on the relationship trying to make it something it's not. I feel like this is as close as I want to be with him and it actually made me feel closer to my crazy ass mother. Made me feel bad for her. This was the love of her life. It brought back memories for me of his affairs and our semi-awareness...the way things only partially register in your brain as a child when you're lost in your own teeny tiny school world. I remember being at my parent's business and the phone ringing incessantly and the hang ups and how this went on for years. How he was having an affair with a woman who rented from us..all the shit that you really don't register until you're older and are triggered by something else. It was a crazy life when we were little...scary a little too. There was good and bad like everybody else but there are still a lot of scars from childhood that I know my siblings share. I guess most people have their lumps that never heal. It is what it is. It affected me and though I don't credit it for my immense fear of men (oh yes my friend and you thought you knew me) it definitely added to it...that and some other unfortunate experiences...

So there it is...another secret... another piece of my mind out there. Feels better out than in.  I can't always own all this shit by myself and I have to put it out there...just release some of the pressure from my brain. I haven't been able to tell anyone about my father's secret as it's too gross and blech!! Haven't been able to tell Kay or Diana or Z though I think I would feel comfortable telling both Diana and Z when I see them maybe. It feels good to just put it out there and hey, I know people have bigger and badder shit about their parents but to me it just was too much I suppose. 

On the baby front it's getting closer to the doctor's appointment and I worry that they won't accept me as a client because of my weight...Who knows. I guess time will tell. I have this adrenaline just course through me when I think of it; a nervous energy, anxiety maybe? Not sure. All I know is that it's uncomfortable and I hate it. I hate that this is so hard for me, that it's been so hard and though I realize I'm not the only one, it feels like it. It feels like I'm alone. It feels like I'm alone with this desperation in my heart. This feeling that this chapter in my life is closing all too quickly with no baby in sight.

My father, my family, and everything else

This past Tuesday my father had a stroke. D found him on the floor of his apartment and thankfully called a neighbor for help. We are all very proud of D who was able to act and save my father's life. He's still in the hospital and not doing too hot. He's stable but it's questionable as to whether or not he'll ever be able to care for himself or live alone. He is going to be going to a nursing home and then rehab though when this is happening, we're not sure. There is a disconnect between my siblings and I. I guess everyone handles things differently and my youngest sib who suffers from terrible anxiety is just really  quiet, D broke down yesterday as it'd been the first time they visited my dad (they have a fear of hospitals and the sick). As for me I'm riding an emotional and physical roller coaster between extreme sadness/depression, exhaustion, a feeling of being discluded by my siblings, and just wanting to get off this crazy ride already. Just tired and I was tired to begin with.

Tomorrow we go for an interview at the nursing home which seems so surreal to me. Everyone jokes about when their parents have to go or if they'll have to go to a nursing home but when it really happens it feels  unbelievable/surreal. The day after that we go to speak to the attorney. His affairs are not in order in case the shit hits the fan and it's a lot to take care of.

My friend from grade school called me today. We all grew up in the same area and have always stayed in touch. She used to be my best friend but was too crazy for my ass so we grew apart in our 20's. She called as my other grade school friend had called her concerned for my father. Not sure if I mentioned that my father has a catrillion friends and everybody knows him...makes me look like I don't know anybody really. Even at my job people ask me about him all the time. Anyhow, we're getting calls left and right as is my mother and it's just one big ol' mess. Anyhow, my friend called me to ask about my father and said she and her mother were planning to go visit him in the hospital. She also told me she's pregnant...of course she is.

Friday night while at the hospital my aunt mentioned her daughter, who is my age (my cousin..duh), had also been trying IVF unsuccessfully though she'd only tried 2 times...once here and once in the country where she is from. She said she had to stop due to the expense and I told my aunt to tell her to call me. Whether she will or not is uncertain as none of the cousins are close having grown up in different countries among other obstacles to a real friendship...just complicated. Anyhow it made me sad that she couldn't and that I couldn't and I thought perhaps we could share some type of whatever. I don't know. In my fantasy..we split a cycle of donor eggs and end up with sibling cousins.

I have this feeling in the pit of my lower stomach. It's a heaviness, an ache. It feels like what you feel when you get a pit in your stomach but lower...just a weight sitting there and a weight in my brain, just dragging me. When I was pulling into my complex last night I though of Dr. B and the fact that she's pregnant and I wondered if she'd given birth yet or where she was in this whole thing and I felt an overwhelming feeling of being jipped.  I know her pregnancy had nothing to do with nothing it's just the feeling of jealousy and anger....feelings so foreign to me except in this department. I don't know. Overall, I know I won't go back there. I had intended to give them all the meds in my fridge as there's tons of them which I'm sure someone can use but I know I'm done with them and I never want to go to that clinic again. Listen, they were absolute dolls, all of them couldn't have been nicer but it's just a bad place for me. I walked in there happy with hope and walked out with bubkis and it's no body's fault but it's a place I never want to see again.

Anyhow, just wanted to get this out there... Life is an ass kicker and I don't know why it continues to surprise me but it does.

Tiny Steps forward

Today was the day I was going to call the new clinic. Actually, I was going to call their satellite office in Westchester in order to avoid city traffic but after I looked closely at the NYU clinic's site, they mentioned they were now in cahoots or what have you, with Westchester and Ct. which led me to believe that the stats weren't reflective of the Westchester clinic so I'm going to the NYC one which isn't too far..it's just a bitch to commute there in the a.m. Anyhow, as I read about the consult they explained you would need your records so I bucked up and called my clinic to request that they transfer my case to me, and they explained I needed to write a letter so it's sitting in the visor of my truck and ready to be dropped off later tonight when I go pick up the sib from the bus stop. I also asked if I could donate my meds to them and they said yes, that they use it for people with no insurance which is good as I probably have a few thousand bucks worth of meds in the fridge. Apparently, and this is one of the things I am so grateful for, my insurance allows unlimited meds....can you imagine? Last time the total on my meds came to over $10K...for one cycle!...the clinic said I have the 'Mercedes Benz of insurance'...don't I know it and it is one of many reasons I don't leave a difficult job..I'm being polite by saying difficult here.... Anyhow, I also found out this week that I do get unlimited IUI's covered by my insurance so if I tried that again (and yes I've been playing with that idea) I only have to cover the sperm which is expensive. In my fantasy, the doctor does two IUI's before proceeding to egg donor and it miraculously works. It would seem like a simple decision to try the IUI but I hesitate because of the expense of the sperm and I can't help but think, "am I just humoring myself here or is there really a chance it can work"? Who the fuck knows. I guess I won't know until I speak to the doctor and I'm not even sure they'll take me as a patient. My understanding of a lot of clinics is if they think it's too far fetched a chance they don't want their stats to drop so they don't even take you. Well, I can't waste my time worrying about this shit.

What motivated me to get moving was actually my friend Z.  She and Diana came over the other night and Z, who is never really an advice giver, said to me, Gem, forget all the extra stuff and just call...don't think about anything. She is right. You can entertain yourself and really just make excuses for reasons you can't move forward...you can sit in your shit all day long, feel like you're not ready, but the truth is you gotta move past that and just act. I know this from my past really but sometimes you just need a real caring friend to remind you and just shove you forward. Z is the friend who said she'd be my surrogate if I needed it...that's Z, generous, loving, and kind like no other...really kind...not nice, kind.

So that's where we're at. I'm hoping, but doubt that, the clinic will send me my paperwork quick so I can get this show on the road. Kay said she'd go with me into New York as long as I drove as she can't drive in NY...why I don't know but alas, I don't give a shit, I'm just grateful she'd come with me. I don't know how I'd get from A to B without my friends. At this point that's what it's like, just travelling from one letter to the next...small steps towards the goal with a little help (or a lot) from my friends...thank God.

Phone calls

I had my HSG scheduled for this morning. Funny how some things happen. My test was at 9 a.m. in east jabib New Jersey (not a real place btw) so I needed an hour to get there. I set my alarm for 7:30 a.m.....why this would make sense to me I have no idea. So here I am this morning cutting up Tessa's food (It comes in a block, don't ask), and I look at the clock and it says 7:45 a.m. and I think to myself...what the fuck? What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck?! was I thinking. I put down her food and water, hightail it to the shower (hello it's not like I'm going somewhere where skipping would even be an option), scrub myself all over, scrub again, rinse, brush the teeth, thank God that I had set out all my clothes, underclothes et cetera the night before, jump in it, throw some makeup on and I'm out of the house at 8a.m. ..shit. I get there with 10 minutes to spare and finally a male attendant calls me in (.....huh) and they explain he's helping as the other chick's not in but will wait outside while anything is going on and come in when he has to shoot the pics...fine. She puts the shit in, it HURTSSSSS like a motherfucker...more pain than I think I can withstand and I lay there whimpering because it's that painful. I turn, I turn the other way, I'm done. She says it all looks clear though there is some scalloping though she doesn't think this is significant in any way. I think, what the fuck is scalloping? I think of roof shingles, clothing hems and potatoes...I don't know what she's talking about but in true Gem stupidity, I don't ask...I can only think of one thing which is getting out of there, taking some advils and relieving the stress and pain...I get my films and I'm out. Okay cool beans. I leave, program my GPS to go to my doctor's office to see how far and figure out it's only 15-20 away and off I go. Drop the shit off, go grocery shopping and I'm home.

I'm putting the stuff away and my cell rings...restricted call...The chick says she's Sandra and so and so gave her my number regarding international adoption. I think to myself, "shit, really". I'm not ready. I'm not ready for this yet, I don't know. She tells me all about the process, explains it's pricey and takes about a year. She has a connection that could save me $10K...I do have to go to Haiti (UGH!!)...I get the information, thank her, call her the wrong name of course because it wouldn't be me if I didn't fuck up your name, and we hang up.

I fall asleep on the couch and wake up 2 hours later. Dr. B calls. She says the top of the uterus looks perfect however the middle appears as if there is some constriction, perhaps the fibroid is pressing on the uterus though she thinks the space is "adequate enough to carry a pregnancy". Fuck, I think, adequate is not perfect....adequate is code for maybe. Okay, where do we go from here. She asks me what I've decided and says she can't remember my choices clearly. Shit, she can't remember...I thought I was special...*sigh*..alas it appears I'm just average. Moving on from my sarcastic thoughts, I tell her I thought we were moving in the direction of donor egg with my uterus. She asks if I've made a wish list. Wish list? She says she has one donor in mind that matches my ethnicity that she's thinking of...hmmm...okay...the rest of the conversation is just basic bullshit...bullshit that still hurts but only because of what we're talking about, not because of how it's delivered. She'll have Allison the person in charge of donors call me. I thank her. I want to cry as all I can do is picture her sitting there pregnant talking to me about using one particular chicks donor eggs that she has in mind because she is my same race and I wonder if she even knows what race I am. I'm upset obviously but it's not the conversation...it's really just about a million different things, a million different difficult and painful reasons.

 I don't care what race I get which is something that someone else might care about.. but me, not so much. So it's not matchy matchy...don't care. I need the chick to have gone to college, have not done drugs, not have been a total slut or loser or unable to concentrate or given her mother hell. I want her to be smart, gentle, and sweet as I'm not fully convinced that these attributes are all gathered through nurture rather than nature. I want to know why she's giving up her eggs for 8 thousand dollars because you couldn't give me a million dollars for one itty bitty one of mine even if they are no good just because there is a possibility that my baby may be going home with you. But if it wasn't for the fact that she didn't think like me, didn't look at her eggs as too precious to give away, I'd have no chance at all. Shit. Shit, shit, shit, and shit. I guess I still haven't fully absorbed the idea of using someone else's eggs. I can't explain it really but I imagine that everyone feels this way, that this decision isn't an easy one for anybody, and that this idea, as sickening as it is, and I'm sorry to say that it is, is easier to digest than the thought of travelling to Haiti to adopt someone else's baby. That sentence, as horrible as it is in content and probably in grammar, is too true...painful, selfish, perhaps egomaniacal but true. It's how I feel, right or wrong. And I can't help but wonder, am I just grasping at straws here. Is this some bone they throw you when you want something that's never going to happen? I don't know..I don't know. I'm scared....I'm scared it's over..and I'm scared it won't work.

I wait for Allison's phone call and we'll see what that brings. Can't wait.

Shitty....(yes, yes, witty I know)

I'm feeling shitty today as you may have guessed. I was back at the grind and was only overwhelmed momentarily by the humongous pile of mail on my desk and it's not the kind you can just skim....I actually have to read each line looking for certain shit in there...if you saw the piles you'd cry. Thankfully one of the other chicks (who is supposed to pick up my slack in my absence) had actually stepped up and read a pile commenting holy shit you get a ton of mail..no shit. So work was fine...there was the usual email full of greek gobbledy gook that I don't understand and a bit of the normal chaos but nothing outstanding which usually means we'll get the backlash the next day...that's how my job is...if it ain't crazy on a Monday just wait for it as it's coming. Any ol' how I was talking to Kay about my 5 little embryos in my belly or whatever is left of them. Each time I go to the bathroom and wipe (yes, tmi but oh well), I think, did I just wipe away my baby? Probably. I have this pit in my stomach that it just won't happen and I asked Kay twice now to repeat what the doctor said...that they're all 6 and 8 cells with no fragments which I know is just a bit of an increase to my odds but I need reassurance that the odds were better this time.  I have this overwhelming feeling of melancholia...not depression where you feel like life is hopeless but this deep sadness in the very core of me...this ache really...just grasping at the last strings of hope...so emotionally painful. I'm supposed to go see the Canadians tomorrow but don't think I can....just don't want the questions ...too much I tell you...just too much for me. I go Friday to the doctor for my test...it wouldn't be so bad if I could have the weekend to regroup but a weekend where I have to interact with my family seems like it might put me over the edge. I want to scream at the frustration of the situation and I think, Why? Why did I wait so long to do this shit? Why did I have to be so scared? There is nothing to fear in this life yet I'm always running scared and I think why the fuck did I have to be such a chicken waiting for some man that wasn't coming to rescue me and give me the support I never really needed except in the fairy tails swimming in my fucking head? I should have tried a year after I got the cancer clearance...but alas I didn't and I have to move forward with this one regret hanging in my life. Too painful really. These stupid celebrities making it seem like we have forever when we don't...why do we buy into their bullshit hype. Don't know.

Later this same day....
I don't know why I can't seem to pull myself up today. Though I'm not necessarily feeling like I'm unraveling per se I just am in somewhat of a funk...perhaps preparing myself for Friday in a way...a premature mourning...trying to protect myself ..as usual. I just want this whole fight to be over...just for someone to either give me my gift or chop me off at the knees already..it's such a torturous limbo to live in..not knowing if what you are living is a pipe dream or not. I thank God for Kay as I'd never would have been able to hang in here for this long...she's my main support which is pretty pathetic but there it is. I'm playing the crying game tonight and I can't seem to help myself...just need to soothe myself in some way and once again dream of the day when I can sit out on my balcony with either  a glass of wine or a beer and a cigarette and finally exhale from this suspended nightmare. Today at work I felt a flicker of excitement and I had to tamp it down..I can't do this to myself again and would rather go from sad to happy than from happy to sad...status quo is fine but I don't want to plummet...just can't keep plummeting month after month. Oh well...this is all out of my hands and I guess I have no choice but to let go and let God and see what the future brings. I read a quote someone wrote yesterday that said God never says no, His answer is Yes, Not Yet, or I have something better for you...hope this is true though can't imagine better. Have to trust and keep the Faith. As they say in "the rooms" thanks for letting me share. These posting have so helped me just unload.
BTW, I wanted to post that I have been having few if any symptoms...only small sharp pains which I believe are a result of the progesterone as they seem familiar from last time. No sore boobs or none of the other fake pregnancy crap I've usually gotten which is good.

Not now anxiety

There have been various times in my life where I've suffered bouts of anxiety attacks...well this whole thing with "D" appears to have triggered them something fierce..(the meeting didn't go well, in fact it went as bad as it could go)...I felt ready to jump out of my skin all weekend with a twitch in my face and a tremor throughout my body...lovely! Anyhow, one of my siblings who also sufferes from anxiety tried to teach me some breathing excercises and the acupuncturis yesterday tried to calm me down and finally today I treated myself to a massage (they're $28 for an hour at this new place..woo hoo)which did the trick at least for a while..I just have to get my wits back together. It doesn't help that Kay has not been at work and she is usually my anchor...she does nothing but be there but just knowing that there is someone you can fully trust in the building works wonders. It doesn't look like she'll be back tomorrow either. I know I've mentioned before that I've gone through some shit with "D" and I don't really elaborate because really it's just painful shit that only someone who has tried to use 'the system" would really understand..and I guess I have some form of PTSD or some residue of trauma from the past that this recent shit is kicking up...I just can't keep fighting the system for this kid..I want to say UNCLE but I have to keep fighting and I explained to my sibling this weekend I just can't do this alone anymore and I need them to go to the meetings with me even if they don't understand what the fuck they are talking about I'm just not the war horse I used to be..I'm fucked up emotionally to a certain extent after all the shit that's gone down these past 10 years....one of my sibs actually said, Gem, I think this is why you can't get pregnant..you have too much stress in your life..Really? Wow..psychic and a genius..Anyhow enough with the sarcasm..the fact that they acknowledged I was trying was impressive. I am so trying to make this my month...I started the acupuncture, am doing a new regimen of meds and am trying to stay stress free/positive/hopeful and here comes anxiety...something I haven't seen in quite a while..rearing its ugly head shaking my world. Kay even mentioned tonight when I spoke to her how it's been a while since I've had this anxiety shit..she's right it has but it's been sitting there in the wings and once I experienced that shit..it never really went away..never left me alone and I've felt shaky every since..I think I mentioned going to a shrink once who diagnosed me with PTSD..well whatever the fuck it is..it's an ass kicker. Gonna try to beat it and treat myself to relaxation whatevers whenever I can...just have to be zen..oh if it were only so easy. Time will tell. This week I stop the BC pills on Wednesday and go see the doctor on Friday...gonna buy a six pack of beer tomorrow and have myself one just to try and chill a bit...we'll see.

Fears, worries and whining..ugh.

I'm getting closer and closer to my period coming and last night I actually had a dream that it had come and it was a Friday, the day I least want my period to show up because the clinic is closed and you have to wait til Monday to be seen. In my dream I got my period as I was getting ready for work and I looked at the clock and thought if I say fuck it to work and leave now maybe they can still see me...but it brought on a feeling of anxiety and I guess it just goes to show how fearful and anxious I am about this cycle. I was reading my insurance bill last night and they sent me another $9,000+ dollar check for the doctor and I can't help but think how fast my cap has gone..I'm not even sure I'm covered for this cycle which is a hard pill to swallow. I just put in $2500 into my car yesterday and also purchased another vial of sperm last week...just one as I know how the money situation is but then again don't want to cheap out on myself and have regrets later but where do you draw the line financially? I don't want to get myself in a situation from which I can never recover. It's all just overwhelming and scary. Did I mention that I made an appointment with the acupuncturist? I did..initial fee is $175 and though I could file it as an out of network..my deductible this year went up to $1,000...this to me sounds all like I'm playing with monopoly money. I've never been a person who spent freely and didn't budget carefully..thank God as it's saved my ass a million times..not to mention it's also saved other family member's asses..to be in a hole like this is just unbelievably scary but to not have a child is scarier so...
Aside from all the financial fears is the inevitable fear that it just might not happen. It's just a pit in my stomach thinking this just might not happen and then what do you do? A million dollars in bills, no baby and stuck in a fucked up job...too much to think about as I want to try and keep things as positive as I can...how am I doing? Awful I know..gotta keep praying. I wish there was a sign that it was all going to be alright..childish but it's how I feel.
So today I am off to take Tess to the groomers and am meeting Mattie (at her insistence) at the foot massage place...I don't want to go but I keep putting her off and I think it's upsetting to her so...It'll help me relax and it's only $28 so...but after that...watching the pennies again..Ugh.

Just a bit more

I wrote today but it was really just a rant and I find myself here at a little past 11 just feeling wired, anxious, and scared after more looking up pregnancy crap, obsessing about work and just plain driving myself crazy. I was looking up the med menopur that my doctor is switching me to from Luveris and ganirelix...just seeing what the big difference was and it appears that very little is different other than one is synthetic and menopur is natural and according to what I've read, some people respond better to one than the other. I just have to have hope but I'm find that it's one of the hardest things to have when you've tried and tried and haven't been successful. I find myself just doing the counts and I can't help but realize that it's been about 10 months since I started the process with the RE...had it worked the first time my due date would've been mid-April and I remember thinking what a coincidence this was as it would fall right next to my mother's and my birthday. Alas it wasn't to be..not the 2 IUI's after that or the 2 IVF's after that. I'm 41 next month and the clock is tick tick ticking away..It seems I can hear it with every inhalation and exhalation of my breath..tick fucking tock..time just slipping from me. I used to see a therapist who referred to my life at one point as "the unlived life"..I realize now that statement was not true and I had a different type of life than perhaps she had experienced where things move slower but I should have hustled things up. It seems though when I take a retrospective of my life, that there was always some crisis or some tragedy or some hurdle to get over in my life..with myself or my family or even with just my emotions. Not so much an unlived life but more of a lonely life..a life where there was struggle..normal struggles and sometimes not so normal but it's what I lived and there it is. I didn't come into my own where I could juggle shit until I came to earn a little money.. money makes everything easier, makes things possible especially if you have to do everything alone..not whining just saying and I'm grateful. I'm hoping that I can just get this one thing done..make my life feel like it was worth some of the struggle as otherwise..who cares really? I don't know. Anyhow, tomorrow I have to drive to E. Jabib and it turns out my coworker is going on her own so I'm taking my car on my own and hoping for the best in terms of the transmission..sure it'll be fine but gotta wake up at the crack to get there. Just feeling down tonight, stressed and somewhat overwhelmed by things. You know you hear about people wanting to run away from their lives and sometimes I wish I could just drive and drive and drive and end up nowhere..just away from myself and my thoughts and my crazy mind and this crazy life that's just too much for me..with this crazy job that pays great but is going to shorten my life...gotta hang in..have that hope that everyone talks about and just try to straighten shit out so either I can stay and live with it or go and breathe.

P.S. As I was signing off I heard about someone else (celebrity) who is pregnant..I never thought something could really just stab me in the heart when it had nothing to do with me but really, I can't hear about anybody else having a baby...really it's tearing at me..just killing me and I really just wish people would shut up with the whole pregnancy thing...Shut the fuck up people some of us have nothing!!! just shut the fuck up already. Shit.

The Freak Out

I was talking to Kay today about missing the opportunity to go out for drinks before it's too late and it occurred to me that if this happens for me this coming week it'll be quite a while before I can enjoy a drink or even go out with friends for that matter. Why this thought crept into my head today, I'm not sure. I didn't think of this with the last round of IVF but all of a sudden I'm a little freaked. A little freaked that this whole venture may be too much. It's not that I'm having second thoughts so much as I'm wigging a little...I guess it's comparable to what someone might feel the day before they're getting married. Yesterday, I went to Weight watchers with Diana and she cried as she talked about her life, feeling suicidal and never realizing how hard it is to be single. She said she never knew what her younger brother was going through or how I dealt with the loneliness of singlehood.. I explained that for us singles, it wasn't as hard..you get used to it gradually and it's not like something was taken from us or we were made to stand alone after having some other party as a support...we've had only us and so in that respect, we are stronger..grew stronger with time. For her, and others finding themselves suddenly single, particularly if you were married early, it's harder I think..you're expected to suddenly stand alone without that support that you've always had unlike us that experienced a gradual separation from our parents and the development of our survival skills. I think this decision is the exception..the decision to have a baby. For the most part I think us singles are hoping for Mr. Wonderful to show up eventually and then plan a family...the crunch time comes and you have to start thinking of doing this shit solo. Hard decision. Very hard. But I see people do it all the time and I refuse to live with the regret of never trying...I couldn't do this to myself as a person or as a woman...and so..onward. Freaked out but onward. My friend Ling picks me up in the morning to take me to the retrieval and I'm just hoping there are some (really hoping for plenty) in there and that this time they fertilize better and eventually implant..That's as far as I'm willing to hope for today and for this weekend. The rest of the wishing will have to wait until that part is over. Baby steps..no pun.

Beyond the Irritables

When I was sick, and I've heard from others who've had the same type of cancer, I would get what I'd call, "the irritables". It felt as if I was going to crawl out of my skin and was just the most irritating sensation..it would get so bad that I couldn't interact with anyone as I'd bite their heads off. I'd lay in bed with a scrunchy pillow that I'd gotten as a gift while I was in the hospital, and I'd put the pillow between my knees and cry. Why between my knees? Who the heck knows but it's what felt the best..laying down on my side with my knees not touching..even as I write this I can clearly remember the sensation. Lately, I've been feeling something similar...it's not physical though, it's more emotional and it's all aimed at my mother and at myself. I've been eating and eating and eating trying to make those feelings go away but nothings been working. I think a part of it is due to the anticipation of starting the process of IVF again, and another part is genuine anger at my mother...anger I wish I could let go of. I pray each night for patience with her, for me to be a better daughter, kinder and more considerate. I think to myself Gem, she's getting old and this relationship isn't how you want it to be between you. But I swear when I'm with her it's all I can do not to grit my teeth and I know it's fucked up but it's what I feel and I hate myself for it.

Years ago, when I was a less disillusioned, more trusting person, I used to see these people who were so unhappy and I used to call them "people who suck lemons"; where you can see the unhappiness and disgust with life on their face; they'd walk around with a perpetual grimace looking as if they'd been handed shit on a stick their whole lives. I used to pray that I would never be one of these but I see myself sometimes in a mirror with an incessant frown pasted on my face and it scares me. I'm a lemon sucker! or becoming one..something that I never thought I could be. I used to be the person who always had a smile, a joke, and I felt I had a warm heart inside...I don't know where that person went or what killed her. There are just crumbs of my old self left and on that rare occasion when I spot what is the best part of me, I miss her. I miss how people felt about her and the feeling of everyone wanting to be with me. This person that I am today though, can't be around too many people, for too long, without snapping. I'm not sure when this changed or if it had to do with my sickness and what it did to me, or all the shit that I had to go through during my sickness and with the troubles with "D" and with nobody helping me. It was a very lonely desperate time for me. I was sick and had this other problem on my lap; a humongous, disgusting problem that I couldn't talk about and was trying to finish a masters and work, and get well. It was bad. And my mother had her head up her ass, and my siblings ran from the problem, and I couldn't reach them, I'd call them to ask them what we were going to do about "D" and they wouldn't take my calls..it was too hard for them..but not for me? It was bad; very fucking sad and very fucking bad and I spent months and months hanging on to my sanity by a thread and crying and not knowing where to turn. It worked out. I got well. "D"'s issues were addressed though it lopped a good 10 years right off the top of my life, and I "forgave" my family for leaving me alone to deal with all this shit. But you see, even as I write the word "forgave" I know that there is a part of me harboring that feeling of abandonment and I supposed after a while and countless times of feeling my family is not rooting for me, it has festered and become a resentment. It left me scarred..and work added to those scars. All issues that I would work out with a therapist..but even that is just irritating for me now..trying to find a therapist I can trust and trust that she isn't crazier than me. I started talking about this a little bit with the Canadians on Tuesdays. It helps a little though I have a tendency to ramble at times. Find myself feeling alone at times lately, and am hoping to spend some time this week with my fair Godmother. All things seem better after seeing her and I'm grateful. Grateful to have someone in my life who gives that to me.

Just plain ol' UGH!!!!

I am scheduled for my third, count them 3, IUI tomorrow. Not looking forward to it as I'm not feeling well. I have an illness which I have kept secret for many years and nobody, not even my best friends know, and it just occurred to me as I sit here in pain that I can finally say it somewhere...here. I have an illness that effects only 1% of the population..it's embarrassing so I have never told anyone and no, it's not sexually transmitted...I guess it's somewhat similar to psoriasis except it isn't on any exposed areas of my body. The hormones are making it worse. It's not contagious nor deadly but it's painful as all FUCK!! I say this in capitals as that's what it is and there is no cure because as my Dr. explained, it effects so few people and isn't fatal but it hurts and I've had it since I was a child..no, even as a child I never told anyone...can you imagine? But as I explained I grew up more than real quiet and I'll leave it at that. It has stopped me from doing many things in my life and I could cry at the Fates that have given me this. It is so bad, you could give me the cancer I had twice more and I'd trade it for this. About 4 Dr.'s have semi treated it (or tried to) and I of course had to tell my RE so I guess people do know but nobody outside of my medical life know. My RE said she had another patient once who had it but only knew a little bit about it..I was surprised she knew anything about it but then again..the chick went to Harvard so I'm sure she knows alot about alot. I went through the whole day at work today with this shit and finally came home to do what I can to alleviate the pain. I would normally take advil but that is out while I'm trying to get PG so... I'm sitting here trying to calm down and trying to make this shit calm down with compresses and such..pain...I could cry I tell you..hurts that much. I heard it goes away after menopause and I'm hoping that's the case...so fucked up I tell y ou..just fucked up.

Anyhow, my RE said that if this IUI doesn't take she wants me to move on to IVF. I hesitate for one reason only; I was hoping to save the IVF for when I'm 43 in case I want another one but I say to myself, Gem, don't be greedy..do what you can and you might only be able to have the one..Okay, I'd be eternally grateful for the one and only ask that it be healthy Lord. Just one sweet and healthy baby..greedy would be 2.. Two healthy babies. I could touch them it seems so real..Hope and pray for them and that I stay healthy enough to raise them. That's one of my fears..that I'll die and they won't have a parent but I've asked my older sister if that is the case would she take care of them..and she said yes. She's crazy but she's very maternal so ..

Anyway, enough happy talk..shit's killing me..praying that God alleviates some of this for me.

Like a thief in the night

So I've been hiding out all weekend, avoiding calls and keeping myself on the down low. Just want to run away a little. Found a new donor that I'll try if this upcoming month doesn't work out. I need a stress free week at work to get my bearings...will have to hide out there as well. It's to the point where I want to sit in the dark and just let time go by discreetly without it noticiing me for a little bit but with my family and friends quietly at arms length in case I need them and of course my Tess.

One of the Canadians from my oa meeting called me...3 times...been ignoring her. I just can't right now.. I feel terrible about it. I did go to an online oa meeting last night..was good and I shared. I've been spiralling out of control with these hormones and really with just me..can't reign myself in. I've been reading this book called Angry Fat Girls, about a group of women who lost and gained weight and went on to lose it again...gives me hope. I had at one point gotten very close to normal weight...not normal skinny but normal shopping store normal. It was very scary for me in the men department and I know I use my weight to protect me...another way to hide. I have done this a lot in my life...hidden out. I run scared a lot..scared of men and scared of scary women..bitchy self assured, self righteous women...you'd never know this if you met me. I'm often told the first impression people get of me is 'tough'..no accident..and true to a point but it's a purposeful tough not a natural tough. I make an effort to have a dead pan stare and walk with confidence. My fairy godmother calls it my shield. It is. I want to lose weight because honestly, my body is having a difficult time carrying all this, but emotionally, I can't deal with male attention right now and even if I tell myself I can wear a 'disguise' so to speak..scares me and all in all I can't get a handle on my food addiction, so who am I kidding? Anyhow, had to rant and just get some of it off my chest. Just feeling tired and whatnot.Feel like smoking, drinking, doing my old thing, just getting buzzed with a smoke..been over 2 years but I can't. Need some time off and it's coming..Have some personal time I'm willing to part with so will scan the calendar for a good day to be off.

This week, I need to work on finding a therapist..a part of me wants to give it another try with this chick..my brain tells me to get a grip on reality and move on. Brain is gonna have to win as I don't have time for trifling.

Excitement

Tomorrow I go back to the RE as my period came on Saturday. Hoping this doesn't screw it up that I got it on a long weekend so it's not "day one" when I go in. I'm not going to lie...I'm scared of getting pregnant. It's scary doing it alone no matter how prepared you think you are, how ballsy you feel you are, how against the grain you've lived the rest of your life, having a baby alone, or planning to have one is scary. The first month I tried I was so pysched and I'm trying to conjure about that feeling of enthusiasm and excitement but I think things were slightly different then. My family didn't know, I had a good therapist, my friend Ollie was on board, all minor but major things. So I'm scared. This isn't a good week to gauge anything, I keep telling myself, as I have my period which makes me feel vulnverable and emotional, the boss comes back which leaves me feeling angry and somewhat hopeless, and my best friend is out of state.. Also, today is a Monday but really like a Sunday..the worst day of the week for me as it's back to work I go. Well, I know this: I'm lucky to have a job, this feeling will pass, and last but of most importance, I know that if I don't have a child I will regret it for the rest of my life..so onward we go perhaps not excited but hopeful. I think what's really killing me, what's really been renting space in my head for free is the loss of that "ideal family" which in my heart I know doesn't exist but sometimes I just wish I'd had the opportunity to experience this for myself..but time is running out and alone I must go or I won't get to go at all. That's life and I can't get everything I've ever wanted..most people can't and don't no matter how it looks from across the fence..I have to believe this or I'd be yelling "it's not fair". Realistically, I know I've been blessed in my life..I see the people starving in Africa and have met hungry people right here in the U.S. and I know that there but for the Grace of God goes me..so I have been blessed and continue to be blessed. Have to not feel sorry for myself which I think sometimes I find hard. Ah well, all life lessons and character defects to overcome. Tomorrow I go to the RE, then work, then to the Canadians.. and as usual..the beat goes on.

Side Effects?

I don't write as much as I'd like because of my horrible carpel tunnel syndrome that as soon as I have my baby, I have to address. I've been putting it off for years..ever since I used to seriously do art, I've had trouble. Did I mention anything here about art? ...I don't think so. I have a degree in fine arts..sculpture specifically. I have never used the degree except for a very brief stint teaching children but, I used to lose myself in art for hours, and from years of using a hammer and chisel..and add in other factors (weight), I developed terrible carpel tunnel. Have difficulty using my hands for more than a few minutes at a time though typing is easier than actual writing.. but I digress...

Last night I went to bed and couldn't sleep. Mind you, I've taken myself off all caffeine now but, I'm prone to sleeplessness. Well last night, I was conked, so expected to hit the bed like a ton of bricks and be out. I had to use the ladies room before bed and I heard this crackling noise, almost like electricity, and I called to Tess to come, as I wasn't sure at that point where she was, and became nervous thinking the worst. I call her and here she comes but, what looks like a gigantic bee, is coming with her, I mean the thing was huge..flying full tilt. I grab a towel and swat it, getting it onto the ground but the towel was one of my fluffies so wasn't sure if it was dead..kept pressing on it..I look and it looks like, and is about the size of, half a walnut shell..Long story..flushed it down the toilet but later was feeling woozy, and it almost felt like I'd hallucinated the whole thing. I've never hallucinated except as a child when given Nyquil on two occasions (have never touched that shit since). So I'm laying in bed trying to sleep realizing my brain is in overdrive and I'm getting these vivid images flashing through my head..scary stuff freaking me out, playing like someone is flipping down playing cards. I think 'okay, here comes crazy'... I managed to do some breathing excercises, though I was really beat, and mercifully passed out and awoke to hear myself say, "What?" out loud..I had distincly heard my mother's voice call to me..so weird. Okay so that may have been the Ovidrel that I injected myself with or the fact that getting up to go to the RE then work, not to mentioned the emotional rollercoaster I've been going through, is taking a toll on me. I'm going to try and go to sleep early tonight as I have to go to the RE in the morning. I hate all the side effects from these meds. I've never been one for drugs and such and only take my one pill that keeps me alive daily and that's only because I'd literally be dead otherwise but even through all the surgeries and crap from cancer I never filled a one of those pain pill prescriptions. I just don't like to put crap in me and figured with the cigarettes I used to smoke, and the food I shouldn't be having, not to mention the cancer crap that was pumped into me, my body has really had enough..I don't need pills..or another addiction for that matter. I just want to have my baby and stop putting all this crap in me.

I'm fearful it won't happen and I'll have to go through this shit for months and months. My fear is twofold as not only do I fear that it will bankrupt me financially, I also recognize that it can bankrupt me emotionally, and I have to preserve that for when my child comes...try to maintain my emotional wellbeing as fully intact as possible. The fact that this is a concern is still somewhat shocking to me, and two years ago, I would have plowed through it no prob. I have to adjust to this new idea of the more emotional and vulnerable me and that, I suppose, has been a life lesson for me.. that sometimes I am weak. A word that I would never, and I mean never, would have connected with myself in the past.