Excitement

Tomorrow I go back to the RE as my period came on Saturday. Hoping this doesn't screw it up that I got it on a long weekend so it's not "day one" when I go in. I'm not going to lie...I'm scared of getting pregnant. It's scary doing it alone no matter how prepared you think you are, how ballsy you feel you are, how against the grain you've lived the rest of your life, having a baby alone, or planning to have one is scary. The first month I tried I was so pysched and I'm trying to conjure about that feeling of enthusiasm and excitement but I think things were slightly different then. My family didn't know, I had a good therapist, my friend Ollie was on board, all minor but major things. So I'm scared. This isn't a good week to gauge anything, I keep telling myself, as I have my period which makes me feel vulnverable and emotional, the boss comes back which leaves me feeling angry and somewhat hopeless, and my best friend is out of state.. Also, today is a Monday but really like a Sunday..the worst day of the week for me as it's back to work I go. Well, I know this: I'm lucky to have a job, this feeling will pass, and last but of most importance, I know that if I don't have a child I will regret it for the rest of my life..so onward we go perhaps not excited but hopeful. I think what's really killing me, what's really been renting space in my head for free is the loss of that "ideal family" which in my heart I know doesn't exist but sometimes I just wish I'd had the opportunity to experience this for myself..but time is running out and alone I must go or I won't get to go at all. That's life and I can't get everything I've ever wanted..most people can't and don't no matter how it looks from across the fence..I have to believe this or I'd be yelling "it's not fair". Realistically, I know I've been blessed in my life..I see the people starving in Africa and have met hungry people right here in the U.S. and I know that there but for the Grace of God goes me..so I have been blessed and continue to be blessed. Have to not feel sorry for myself which I think sometimes I find hard. Ah well, all life lessons and character defects to overcome. Tomorrow I go to the RE, then work, then to the Canadians.. and as usual..the beat goes on.