Like a thief in the night

So I've been hiding out all weekend, avoiding calls and keeping myself on the down low. Just want to run away a little. Found a new donor that I'll try if this upcoming month doesn't work out. I need a stress free week at work to get my bearings...will have to hide out there as well. It's to the point where I want to sit in the dark and just let time go by discreetly without it noticiing me for a little bit but with my family and friends quietly at arms length in case I need them and of course my Tess.

One of the Canadians from my oa meeting called me...3 times...been ignoring her. I just can't right now.. I feel terrible about it. I did go to an online oa meeting last night..was good and I shared. I've been spiralling out of control with these hormones and really with just me..can't reign myself in. I've been reading this book called Angry Fat Girls, about a group of women who lost and gained weight and went on to lose it again...gives me hope. I had at one point gotten very close to normal weight...not normal skinny but normal shopping store normal. It was very scary for me in the men department and I know I use my weight to protect me...another way to hide. I have done this a lot in my life...hidden out. I run scared a lot..scared of men and scared of scary women..bitchy self assured, self righteous women...you'd never know this if you met me. I'm often told the first impression people get of me is 'tough'..no accident..and true to a point but it's a purposeful tough not a natural tough. I make an effort to have a dead pan stare and walk with confidence. My fairy godmother calls it my shield. It is. I want to lose weight because honestly, my body is having a difficult time carrying all this, but emotionally, I can't deal with male attention right now and even if I tell myself I can wear a 'disguise' so to speak..scares me and all in all I can't get a handle on my food addiction, so who am I kidding? Anyhow, had to rant and just get some of it off my chest. Just feeling tired and whatnot.Feel like smoking, drinking, doing my old thing, just getting buzzed with a smoke..been over 2 years but I can't. Need some time off and it's coming..Have some personal time I'm willing to part with so will scan the calendar for a good day to be off.

This week, I need to work on finding a therapist..a part of me wants to give it another try with this chick..my brain tells me to get a grip on reality and move on. Brain is gonna have to win as I don't have time for trifling.