After the night

I woke up today with a deep sense of loss, as if I'd just gone through something. A feeling seeming so out of place as there really wasn't anything ever there but I guess it's the loss of a little bit of hope...all after just a moment last night.. I want to believe that it'll happen but like too many other things that haven't, I don't want it to be unbearably painful and put too much hope or make believe it will, when the reality is it might not. The truth is, I'm on the cusp of old, I'm terribly overweight, and my body has had more than it's share of poisons pumped into it both for medical reasons and from years of addiction to nicotine so..... My feeling is,I don't want to give up, and of course I'll continue as this was only my second time but I don't want to have endless months or even years of doing this as I've read so many other people have.. I don't know. Do I limit myself to 6 months..then stretch it to 7, to 8, where do you cut yourself off? Hoping it doesn't come to that and I guess I'm just going to have to see where the road leads me. Just feeling super sad today. Slept like the dead after taking 2 benadryl for a cold..was psyched to find it in my cabinet last night as usually I just use the claritin since cold meds are out (thyroid condition). So I slept and woke up what felt like a year later. Gotta snap myself out of this. I took Tess to the groomer today and she looks beautiful as usual. I always tell her that's she's my beautiful little girl and on the long way home from the groomer's I thought to myself..what if she is the only thing I'll have in my life to take care of..how will I handle that? I guess I just would as the thought of adopting doesn't appeal to me. I know some people may find that weird..it's not that I couldn't love an adopted child but I'm not feeling it for whatever reason. "D" is adopted whom I love with all my heart..the closest thing to a child I've had but no, adoption just doesn't feel right..but maybe later I would change my mind. Don't know if I ever mentioned here that I almost applied to take 2 little girls early last year..I believe I did..

Anyhow, for now I guess I just start again. Will see the RE Monday morning.